The Hound of God By: Edwin e.
Disclaimer: Do not read this if you are offended by stories involving male/male relationships, or in an area that prohibits your viewing of such material. This story is copyrighted to me, Edwin e, so don't reproduce it without my permission.
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone (other than myself) is entirely coincidental.
READ: There is a little bit of Spanish in this story. For any non-Spanish speakers out there, an English translation follows in brackets. Peace.
Part IV: grief and hope
The days leading up to the funeral were intense - to say the least. Gabriel took the death of his grandmother extremely hard. Aside from his parents, she had the biggest hand in raising and molding him into the man he's become. The depth of his grief was the only adequate measure of the influence and importance of her life. And what a grief it was.
For weeks he had tried to prepare himself for the inevitable: he visited her when she was bedridden at home, and then when she was moved to the hospital, and then when she fell into a coma a week later. He, along with his family, stayed by her side knowing there was little time left. But knowing Death is near is a far cry from accepting Him when He comes. That's what makes Death so formidable: He shakes the very foundation of our sanity - right down to our emotional core - despite our best efforts to prepare for Him. It seems the Great Equalizer only brings peace to those He takes, leaving behind lives that can only rely on Mourning to begin the healing process.
Since the day Gabriel showed up on my doorstep, I've been by his side. That's what a good friend does, right? But it was more than that: I felt a certain responsibility to him. I came to learn that when he left the hospital the day she passed, he went straight to my house; he didn't stay with his family, he didn't go see his girlfriend, he didn't go to church. He came to find me - as if I could somehow help him more than the others. But what could I do? How do you help a loved one overcome such an unbearable loss? When my own grandmother died, I found that only time could heal my scars. That's what Gabriel would need: lots and lots of time. But I wasn't about to let him go through it alone, at least not more than was absolutely necessary.
So I stayed with him. I went to his house each day and did my best to comfort him while his parents made preparations for the funeral. His house, which is usually very lively, was engulfed in a solemn pall. I would just sit by him in his room, letting him talk or cry or do whatever he needed in order to mourn. More than once I would move close and just hold him as he sobbed silently on my shoulders. Through his gentle and quiet tears I could hear a great wail escape his soul, lamenting such a vicious reminder of our frailty, our profanity, and our limited humanity. He was a mess. And I guess in a way, I was too.
True empathy is more than just a character trait; it is a way of being in the world. It is highly experimental, often unnerving, but above all, a mark of excruciating humility. Sympathy is fine, but a lack of deep empathy in anyone is a lack of a genuine understanding of our interconnectedness - of our ability to help heal a broken world. So I internalized the pain Gabriel was feeling. For not having known his grandmother, her death was affecting me quite deeply. Spending so much time amongst the sad caused me such emotional exhaustion. I would go home too tired to eat or study. Those few days before the funeral were focused on Gabriel and nothing else.
That's not to say I had forgotten about the storm clouds threatening to swirl in my life. Dominic and I had taken a huge step forward: my admitting that my feelings for him were beyond just platonic friendship. But those feelings ran counter to my unflinching desire to remain closeted - even at the cost of a relationship. I was well aware that the battle between these competing volitions would cause me much torment. As hard as that might be, I was more afraid of the pain it would inadvertently inflict on Dominic. I didn't want to lead him on - to get his hopes up without my being able to give him what he wanted.
But there was no time to think about that. My life had to take a backseat to the going-ons in Gabriel's life - at least for a couple more days. Luckily, Dominic understood the circumstances and knew to keep his distance. As a testament to his ever-growing generosity, he kept our contact limited to school - just taking time to make sure Gabriel was okay and checking in on my own welfare. But he didn't talk about our recent venture into intimacy. And for that I was extremely grateful.
The funeral service that Saturday was lovely, though in a macabre sort of way. The mass was solemn but full of wonderful stories of love, admiration, and honor for this woman. The priest spoke movingly of God's Will and Love, although I doubt at the time it provided much comfort to a grieving family. Once the mass ended, we headed out to the cemetery for the burial. I was surprised to see so many people attend. Of course all of Gabriel's extended family was present. And there were lots of family friends, including many of Gabriel's classmates who were there to show support for him. I made sure to stay in the back in order to give him a chance to embark on this first step of closure with his family. I think his girlfriend felt the same, because she stood next to my family and me instead of near him. As I stood there, I couldn't help but think of what his family was feeling:
'COMO QUISIERA QUE TU VIVIERAS/QUE TUS OJITOS JAMAS SE HUBIERAN CERRADO NUNCA/Y ESTAR MIRANDOLOS.../YO HE SUFRIDO TANTO POR TU AUSENCIA/DESDE ESE DIA HASTA HOY NO ESTOY FELIZ/Y AUNQUE TENGO TRANQUILA MI CONCIENCIA/SE QUE PODIA VER HECHO MAS POR TI' [Oh how I wish for you to have lived/That your eyes had never closed/And we could see them.../I have suffered so much because of your absence/Since that day until now I am unhappy/And although my conscience is clear/I know I could have done more for you.]
As I was thinking, I saw that, to my great surprise, Dominic was also in attendance. I probably would have missed him if I hadn't randomly looked in his direction: he was halfway hidden behind a group of people I didn't recognize. As the burial concluded, I walked over to him.
"Hey, what are you doing here?" I asked gently.
"I just thought I'd pay my respects to Gabriel and see how you're holding up," he answered.
"That's really nice of you Dominic," I said as we started walking toward Gabriel and his family. "I'm doing alright. I'm a little tired, but I think that after today, things will be a little easier for me."
"Yeah, you've seemed so burnt out these past few days - you know, being with Gabriel all the time," he said. I turned my head slightly giving him a wry smile, hoping he wasn't going where I thought he was.
"He's my best friend, Dominic. I gotta be there for him," I continued.
"No, I know, I know. He needs you right now. It's just... I..." He had a hard time articulating at the moment. "It's just I miss you, is all," he finally said as we continued our walk. I could tell that wasn't the entire truth. Something was bothering him - simmering just below the surface.
"I miss you too," I said as I placed my hand on his shoulder and gave him a comforting squeeze. He smiled as we finally made it past the crowd to Gabriel. He seemed shocked to see Dominic - or perhaps shocked at seeing me WITH Dominic. Gabriel gave a warm smile and extended his hand to Dominic.
"Thank you for coming," he said as they shook hands.
"You're welcome. I just wanted to offer my condolences to you and your family. I know we're not friends or anything, but still..." he started very nervously.
"I know, and I really appreciate your being here," Gabriel responded. I gotta say that I liked this show of civility between those two. It's somewhat ironic how grief can bring such disparate people together. Dominic and I drifted toward the fringe of the crowd as more and more people tried to approach the family to offer their sympathy.
"Are you going to
the wake," I asked him as I walked him to his car.
"No. Unfortunately, I have other plans. I assume you're going?" He asked.
"Yeah. I probably won't stay too long though - just long enough to make sure Gabriel will be all right," I answered as he started to climb into his car.
"Maybe I'll talk to you soon then?" He asked with another hint of hope in his voice.
"Yeah," I smiled at him. I walked back to my family as Dominic drove off. We all piled into the car and headed for Gabriel's house.
If at all possible, the wake was even more somber than the mass and burial. When my grandmother died, the family (all 30 of us) decided to go out to an early dinner at my grandmother's favorite restaurant in lieu of a wake. We all agreed that it was more important for us to celebrate the life she had lived - as well as the lives she had helped us to live - rather than mourn it. So although Gabriel and I were both Catholic, I was surprised at the different course our families took in this regard. I guess there is much to be said about subtle ethnic/cultural differences. But I digress.
As I walked in, I made a beeline to Gabriel's parents. Once again, I offered my condolences. They thanked me for being such a good friend to their son; telling me how grateful they were that he had someone who cared enough to provide so much support and love. I told them I was more than happy to be there for him. With that I went to look for my friend.
I made my way through all the guests, all the while looking for Gabriel. Unfortunately, I couldn't find him anywhere. Then I saw Amanda, Gabriel's girlfriend coming down the stairs from the second floor. She seemed very distraught.
"Are you okay?" I asked as I came toward her.
"Gabriel's just so upset. He's in his room right now and won't come down. I tried to cheer him up, but nothing's worked," she said as she gently wiped a few stray tears from beneath her eyes. She continued, "I know you guys are close... Do you think you can go talk to him, maybe make him feel better?"
"I doubt I'll be able to make a difference, but I can try," I said. She gave me a hug and thanked me as I made my way upstairs. I didn't know Amanda too well; her parents sent her to a private school in the next town over. But I got the sense that she was a really great girl, and I was happy that she cared about Gabriel so much.
I knocked on his door and got no response, so I just walked in. Gabriel was on his bed, looking ever so devastated. He looked up at me and smiled a weak smile as I sat down at the foot of his bed. I patted his shin and asked how he was holding up.
"I'm just so sad," was all he could say.
"I know. Believe me, I know. And I wish I could say something that'll make you feel better, but I can't. I won't give you any of the sanctimonious platitudes people usually say in these occasions cuz I think you've probably heard all of them," I said. He chuckled as he nodded his head.
We just sat and talked for a good 45 minutes. Again, he did most of the talking while I just listened. Occasionally he would reminisce over his grandmother but the conversation mostly dealt with random topics. We all mourn in our own way, and I figured I would just follow wherever he went. There were some tears, and some laughs, and a lot of random silences. I finally suggested we should head downstairs, as there might still be a lot of people wanting to see him. As he got up off the bed, I looked at my watch and saw how late it was getting.
"You're not leaving are you?" He asked in a desperate voice.
"Unfortunately, yeah. I gotta get going Gabriel," I answered apologetically. I moved toward him and gave him a final, tight hug. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders while he latched onto my back. As we held each other, I whispered in his ear: "I will always be here for you, no matter what, Gabriel. You can count on that." As soon as I said those words, his hands clenched my back a little tighter.
And then he sighed......... deeply.
But I felt something in that sigh - something disturbing and vaguely familiar.
I didn't have time to think about it, though, as I held his hand and led him downstairs. As soon as we got to the bottom of the stairs, I let his hand go and faced him.
"Call me whenever you need to, okay?" I asked. He nodded and gave me a final hug before he headed off toward Amanda and his parents. Upon seeing Gabriel, Amanda walked toward him and held him. She saw me and mouthed "Thank You" as I nodded my head and walked out of the house.
I slept late the next morning. I was just too drained to get up early as I usually do. I woke up around 11:00am, not knowing what I was going to do with my day. Normally I would get ready for Mass at 12:30, but I didn't feel the need to go this day. So I just got dressed, grabbed a bite to eat and started finishing up some homework. Although I had been distracted this week, I didn't fall too behind in my studies. Once that was done, I found myself bored out of my skull.
My thoughts kept turning toward Gabriel. I didn't want to impose, knowing that sometimes one just needs to be alone at times like these. That's why I told him to call me, so the ball would be in his court. But something was bothering me from yesterday - something that I wanted to know more about.
It was that damned sigh.
A sigh is just a sigh, right? Oh no, no, no. This was something much more. I firmly believe in an innate intuition that helps us feel things that might otherwise go unnoticed. Although my nerves were a little frayed over everything that had occurred this past week, I was dead positive that something else was going on with Gabriel.
Imagine a wall: built to keep something in, or something out. Either way, its purpose is a defense. But once in a while, cracks will begin to show, illuminating the other side while threatening the stability of the wall. I don't know if it's just because Gabriel was my best friend or because of my expertise in keeping secrets, but I sensed something was amiss. There was no doubt in my mind: that sigh was a crack. For a very brief moment Gabriel's defenses came down, which is to be expected considering everything he's been through. Few of us have the constitution - the depth of spirit - to keep up pretenses while shouldering such overwhelming grief. And although I had no idea what it was he was hiding (though my urge to speculate was increasing with each passing hour), its light shone on me, and made me keenly aware of the wall's existence.
But I couldn't confront Gabriel with any of this. What business is it of mine? We all have mountains we cannot move and oceans we cannot cross. He has the right to hide whatever he wants from whomever he wants. No one has the right to know everything about anyone else. It's just... I didn't want him to hurt anymore. And if he's burdened with his grief, as well as this 'mysterious other', then he's bound to hurt. I hate it when we realize we can't help as much as our hearts want us to.
So seeing as how there was no one for me to see, and nowhere for me to go, I decided to be a good little boy and clean my room. Well, since it's usually kinda clean anyway, I started rearranging random shit. I moved my bed to a new position, started rearranging my books, and taking stuff off my walls. When I was finally finished, my room looked a little better (I think). As I cleaned, I noticed that the blinds on my window were a bit fucked up, and that the window across from the door was dirty as hell. So I grabbed some tools and Windex and set off to clean it up.
This whole time I had my computer on and was listening to music. As I started cleaning my window, one of my favorite songs came on. As my custom, I put it on repeat and started singing with little inhibition.
'EL TIEMPO PASA Y NO TE PUEDO OLVIDAR TE TRAIGO EN MI PENSAMIENTO CONSTANTE, MI AMOR Y AUNQUE TRATO DE OLVIDARTE CADA DIA TE EXTRANO MAS
LAS NOCHES SIN TI AGRANDAN MI SOLEDAD A VECES HE ESTADO A PUNTO DE IRTE A BUSCAR DIME QUE COSA ME HICISTE QUE NO TE PUEDO OLVIDAR
SI VIERAS, YO COMO TE RECUERDO EN MIS LOCOS DESVELOS LE PIDO A DIOS QUE VUELVAS SI VIERAS, YO COMO TE RECUERDO
SERA PORQUE AUN TE QUIERO?
ESPERO QUE TU ESCUCHES ESTA CANCION DONDE QUIERA QUE TE ENCUENTRES ESPERO QUE TU AL ESCUCHARLA TE ACUERDES DE MI COMO ME ACUERDO DE TI'
"Wow. All this time and I've never known you could sing," a voice said from behind.
"Holy shit!" I cried as I turned around. Dominic was standing in the doorway with a huge smile on his face. He knew he had scared the hell out of me and it cracked him up.
"Jesus Christ, Dominic! How long have you been standing there?" I asked still trying to get my heart to beat normally.
"Long enough," he responded, still smiling. That asshole. I put down the Windex and went to turn off the song, but he stopped me.
"No, keep it on. I like it," he said as he put his hand on mine to prevent me from touching the mouse. "You seemed to be very into it," he continued.
"Oh, um, yeah. It's a favorite of mine. I like playing songs over and over until I get bored of singing 'em," I said. I knew that Dominic was taking French in school, so he didn't know that much Spanish. That probably accounted for his amused, though somewhat confused look on his face.
"Could you tell me what the song says?" he asked. "Oh damn," I thought. He just had to walk in when I was singing this particular song. The lyrics of the song would probably provide an uncomfortable context considering the current circumstances of our relationship.
"Uh, that's okay. I'm sure you didn't come here to listen to Mariachi music," I said as I attempted to turn off the music again.
"Please?" He pleaded with his hand back on mine. Oh, he's good.
"Ok," I gave in. I sat down at my chair as I brought the song back to the beginning and began translating with each passing line. Unfortunately, my mind isn't too sharp when translating between languages at such a quick pace, so I was having a little trouble at first: "'Um, Time passes and I cannot forget you/I constantly bring you in my thoughts, m-my love/And although I try to forget you, I miss you with each passing day.'" I stopped because the song was getting ahead of me. "Is that enough?" I asked hoping he would free me from this.
"No, I want to hear all of it," he said. I noticed at this point a very serious look on his face. I think the song was getting to him. But I continued nonetheless.
"'The nights without you, extend my solitude/Sometimes I've been on the verge of going to find you/Tell me what you've done to me that makes me unable to forget you/If you could only see how I remember you/In my crazy sleeplessness I ask God for you to come back/If you could only see how I remember you/Is it because I still want you?/I hope that you listen to this song/Wherever it finds you, I hope that you/Upon hearing it, can remember me the way I remember you.'"
That took quite a bit of effort on my part. Through most of the song I had my eyes shut to concentrate. When I opened them, I saw that Dominic had moved to the edge of my bed closest to me. As I finished the translation he reached out, held my hand, and smiled.
"I like it," was all he said. We both smiled as an awkward silence took over. "So the reason I came over," he began, "is to see how things are going with you." He released my hand and made himself comfortable on my bed. He lay on his side, holding up his head with one hand while the other rested to his side.
"Oh, really?" I asked, smiling. I was getting to know Dominic better over the weeks, and I could tell he was holding something back.
"Well, yeah. Although... I did kinda wanna talk to you about something else too." He said, maintaining eye contact with me.
"Well, let's get the first part out of the way: I'm doing fine. I got a good night's rest and am starting to get back to a certain normalcy."
"That's good. I'm glad you're okay," he said. I thought he was going to continue, but there was hesitation in him.
"So... what else did you want to talk about?" I asked, giving him a little conversational nudge.
"Us," he sighed. He sat back up on my bed and leaned forward, reaching for my hands. "I need to know where we stand, Edwin," he said as he gently held my hands in his. But I pulled away and stood up, turning to look out the window.
"I don't know where stand Dominic," I said. I turned back around and saw him thinking with his head in his hands and elbows on his knees.
"Don't you like me at all?" He asked, looking up at me with such a defeated look. I tried to give him a reassuring smile as I took a seat next to him. I took one of his hands and squeezed it a bit.
"Of course I do Dominic. Do you think I could feel nothing after what we did last week?" I said.
"I-I was hoping you did. But we never talked about it so I wasn't sure," he said with a renewed energy in his voice. He turned his head and looked into my eyes. We both leaned in and kissed - a simple, soft kiss. He was making me feel like a giddy schoolgirl. When I looked at him, I saw him beaming subtle exuberance. At that moment, I was amazed at the part I was playing in making someone so happy.
"I definitely have feelings for you Dominic, and like I told you a while ago, there's no point in having feelings if they're not intense," I said as I let go of his hand and laid down on the bed. He sat back next to me, searching for my hand again as if he was afraid of losing me.
"But?" He asked with obvious unease.
"But I don't know where we stand," I continued. "We can't be a couple, at least not in the sense that I think you want."
"And what is it you think I want?" He asked.
"Something public or time-consuming, I guess," I answered.
"I'm not sure I understand what you mean," he said as he turned on his side to face me.
"Well, like this: holding hands, making out, or being physically close. We can't do that in public. Although we have different reasons, we're both still very much in the closet," I reasoned.
"No, I get that part. What do you mean by 'time-consuming'?"
"Well, how about you tell me what you want us to be," I said. I guess it wasn't entirely fair of me to make conjectures of his feelings.
"I know there can't be any public displays of affection. That sucks, but I agree that it's necessary. But I want to be your boyfriend - the person you'll turn to when life gets tough; the person you can't wait to see when you wake up in the morning; I want to spend as much time as I can with you; I want to be a confidant, best friend, and lover rolled into one..." he trailed off. My smiling at him caused him to blush slightly. "Is that too much to ask?" he inquired.
"Kind of," I said with small chuckle. I ran my fingers through his brown hair as I continued. "Dominic, we are a people of limited options and truncated alternatives. How can we be close without garnering suspicion from everyone around us? Do you think you could come over to my house everyday, or me to yours without someone raising questions? Do you think we can talk on the phone more than we do now without risking our secret getting out? How can people see us as just friends if we start spending all our time together?"
"I know, I know," he said. "But it's not fair! If we care about each other, we should be able to do all that stuff."
"Maybe. But at least this way we can pursue whatever's going on with us while still living our old lives - you know, maintaining our friends and habits."
"You mean like Gabriel," he said with a little bit of an edge.
"Yes, actually." I responded. "Wherever you and I are headed, he's still going to be my best friend. You understand that right?" His fixed stare told me the answer. Before he could say anything I reached over and brought his face nearer to me. We kissed passionately - allowing our tongues to gently massage each other. I pulled away and told him, "Remember Dominic, Love isn't selfish. Relationships aren't meant to be self-contained: with partners too focused on each other that they neglect the world around them. That's Hollywood's version of love. Do not take this the wrong way: I want to share my life with you, not have you become my life. You understand?"
At once I realized that my wording may have seemed a little brash, but the essence is what's important. I've always hated how people mak e their lives revolve around their partners - as if unable to understand that others (friends and strangers alike) are still worthy of their attention and affection. No single individual can trump our duty as decent people to focus on the needs of everyone around us.
"So you wanna take things slow?" he asked, almost disappointed.
"Well, partly, yes. But I want you to know that even if we can't spend a lot of time together, you're still important to me. You're in here now," I said as I took his hand and placed it over my heart. "So just trust me, okay?"
"Okay," he smiled. I suppose I eased some of his worries because he rolled on top of me and we started making out again. "Passionate" isn't quite the proper term to describe this newest venture into intimacy. Actually, it felt..."rough". And I liked it. He was aggressive - furiously attacking my body with his mouth. In fact, there were several times when I thought he was trying to suck the air out of my lungs while we kissed (fortunately all those years playing the trumpet has left me with an extraordinary lung capacity). As he started nibbling at my neck, I grabbed hold of him and gently rolled him off me.
"I guess we have differing definitions of 'taking it slow'," I said amid a breathless smile.
"Sorry. I guess I'm just excited," he replied. "I should get going anyway. I got the answers I was looking for. Besides, we wouldn't your parents suspecting anything, right?" He said as he held my hand.
"Right. But we'll see each other at school tomorrow, okay?" I asked.
"Most definitely." He gave me a small peck on the cheek as I walked him downstairs. He said goodbye to my parents as he headed to the front door. My mom got on my case for not being polite and getting him something to drink or eat during his visit. "Whatever," I thought to myself. I think he's pretty fulfilled right about now...
TO BE CONTINUED...
Author's Note: Hey everybody! Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter written. I didn't realize how much time it would take for me to write this stuff amidst my other obligations. If you're still enjoying my story, write me! I'm a bit of an email whore: I need constant encouragement to keep the creative juices flowing ;-) The next chapter should be up early next week (I hope). Take care everyone!
edtimoria@hotmail.com