How to Be a Homosexual, Chapter 1
How to Be a Homosexual
by Jason D. Karl
Disclaimer: This story is satirical and is not intended to be taken seriously. It is just meant to poke fun at the stereotypes, myths, and outright lies perpetuated about gay men. Little to nothing in it is realistic. This is a work of fiction that contains explicit gay sex and should only be read by adults of legal age.
Link to AI gen character images for this story.
Chapter 1
Jake Farmer was a 20-year-old country boy with auburn hair and a ruddy complexion, who didn't know much about life outside of Turniptown. But he'd often heard tales of a mysterious people. He couldn't spell their name because it was really strange, but it was something like "Hama Satchels."
Oh, but Pastor Dunning Kruger knew all about them and often warned the congregation to be on the lookout. The Hama Satchels would recruit young men and make them turn away from what he called "the natural use of the woman."
Growing up on a farm, Jake learned about that because the animals would do it during breeding season. And he knew that people did that stuff too, because one time his older brother had gotten purple pimples down there from a woman he'd met in the city. Well, if Jake hadn't already been disgusted by the thought of the natural use of the woman, that would've made up his mind. There would be no purple-pimpled pecker for him! So he decided that he wanted to get recruited by the Hama Satchels.
Only they never came.
He kept a bag packed and was ready to go join up with them. Still their recruiters didn't come for him.
The solution came to him one Sunday morning. Pastor Dunning Kruger's sermon had been particularly fiery. It always was when he preached about the Hama Satchels. But this time the preacher dropped a new bit of information: the Hama Satchels lived in a faraway land, way out west, called Cisco. Well, thought Jake, the army recruiters sometimes came out to Turniptown, but most boys who wanted to join would go to the city and sign up with a recruiter there. So, if the Hama Satchel recruiters didn't come here, then he'd just have to go to their city, now that he knew where to find them. Surely, this was a sign.
Jake had never been to Cisco or even heard of it before today. But if that's where the Hama Satchels lived, then that's where he'd have to go. He'd gotten a pickup truck with a camper shell for his eighteenth birthday; and, now that he had a destination, he had all he needed.
The next morning, over a breakfast of eggs and turnip hash, Jake told his Pa and brother the news. "I've been thinking. It's time I leave the farm. You don't really need my help, and the turnips mostly look after themselves; so I'm going to go find work in the city."
Pa chewed thoughtfully for a moment before speaking. "Well, Jake, you ain't been too keen on the farm life for a while. Maybe this'll do you some good. Might even find yourself a nice lady friend."
Jake felt bad about fibbing to his family, but he didn't dare tell them the truth. Besides, it wasn't really a lie, since he would have to find work in the city. He just left out the part about looking for the Hama Satchels.
After breakfast, he packed up his things. He didn't want to waste his money on those fancy roadside motels so he brought a bedroll and some pillows. He said his goodbyes and was off.
Late that night, Jake decided to pull over at a truck stop with an all-night diner. He entered just as the last customer was leaving.
"Hi, I'm Darlene. What'll you have?" the woman behind the counter said.
Jake looked at the menu. "How about a double-decker burger, some cole slaw, and a chocolate milk."
"Ain't you a little old for chocolate milk?"
Jake just grinned. "I never got the taste for coffee."
Darlene laughed and started making his order. Jake figured that it must be too slow this late at night for there to be both a cook and a waitress.
"Where you heading?" she asked when she handed him his platter.
Jake thought he might as well tell the truth since she didn't know him and he wasn't coming this way again. "I'm looking for the Hama Satchels. I heard there's some west of here."
"You're looking for what now?" she asked with an amused voice.
"The Hama Satchels."
"We don't get many of those around these parts." She paused a moment and then added, "But you know what, someone left a book here that's been in the lost and found. It's all about that."
"There's a book about the Hama Satchels!?"
Darlene nodded. "Yeah, I reckon it's some kind of guidebook. It's been gathering dust back there for years. You want me to grab it for you?"
Could this be it? The key to understanding what he was supposed to do with his life? Jake thought this must be another sign. "Yes, ma'am."
Darlene looked through a cardboard box, pulled out a well-worn book, and gave it to him. It's title was How to Be a Homos Actual. So that's how it was spelled. Boy, had he ever been wrong.
"Thanks," he said.
They talked for a bit while Jake enjoyed his food, but his mind wasn't fully in the conversation. After finishing, he paid the check, gave her a big tip, and left.
He opened the camper shell of his truck and climbed into the back. It was too dark to read the book, but it could wait for morning. He slipped into the bedroll, positioned the pillows, and quickly fell asleep.
Jake woke to the sound of rain; but it wasn't too bad, so he was soon on his way. He decided to keep taking the minor roads rather than the interstate. After all, he wasn't really in a rush and might even find some Homos Actuals before he got to Cisco.
The rain got heavier. He was considering just pulling over to wait out the storm, when he saw a man on the side of the road who stuck up his thumb. Jake stopped for him.
The hitchhiker, who had stringy black hair and was around Jake's age of 20, climbed into the passenger seat. "Thanks, man, it's really coming down. I'm Alex."
Jake pulled some shop towels from behind the seat and handed them to him to dry off. "I'm Jake. Where are you headed?"
Alex pulled a somewhat dry shirt out of his backpack and started putting it on. "Anywhere but here, really. I just had to get away."
"Trouble at home?" Jake asked as he pulled back onto the road.
Alex toweled off his hair. "Yeah, you could say that. They had it all planned out for me. Marry the girl next door, work the neighbor's farm, have kids--I couldn't take it anymore, man. I had to get out."
"You're not the marrying type?" Jake asked.
Alex sighed. "I don't like girls that way."
"I don't either," he confessed. "Besides, my brother got a purple-pimpled pecker from poking a girl. I ain't going through that."
"No, you definitely don't want that," Alex laughed. Then he picked up the book from the dashboard. "How to Be a Homos Actual?"
"It's supposed to be about these men who don't want to marry girls. I haven't read it yet, but I think it's their training manual for their new recruits."
"You're looking to join them?"
"Yeah. I heard you can find them in Cisco, so that's where I'm headed."
Alex opened the book and began to read aloud:
"How to Be a Homos Actual. Becoming a Homos Actual requires a man to take many steps. He must leave aside women and embrace other men. A good starting place is to engage in the Homos Actual Lip Procedure."
Jake had never heard of such a thing, but he was ready to learn.
"The Homos Actual Lip Procedure requires the interaction of the oral cavities of two Homos Actual men.
"Step 1: Initialize the process by ensuring both participants consent and are in a comfortable position. This can be achieved through verbal affirmation or nonverbal cues."
When Alex paused, Jake said, "Go on."
"One participant typically takes the lead and initiates. We shall call him Dick. The other participant typically follows the other's lead. We shall call him Peter. However, the participants are permitted to switch roles at any time if so desired.
"Step 2: Dick must move his head toward Peter with the intention of creating an oral-to-oral connection. Peter's head should be tilted slightly to the side.
"Step 3: Dick must then extend his upper lip to meet the lower lip of Peter."
Jake found himself confused. "And what's the point of this?"
Alex flipped a page. "Well, it says here it's to establish trust and fraternity between the Homos Actuals."
"What is 'fraternity'?" Jake asked.
Alex just shrugged and continued reading:
"Step 4: Upon contact, Dick must then embrace Peter's lower lip between both of his own lips and apply a gentle suction. Peter is permitted to reciprocate. Step 4 should be continued for a minimum of 90 seconds."
Jake asked, "Suction? Like when you suck on a straw?"
"I guess so," Alex said.
"Step 5: Dick must slightly extend his tongue into the oral cavity of Peter and wait for a response."
"Step 6: If Peter has a positive reaction to Step 5, then Dick's tongue must explore Peter's oral cavity."
Jake saw a wide spot on the side of the road and pulled over. "What happens next?"
"Step 7: Peter must decide whether to reciprocate the exploration with his own tongue. If Peter does not reciprocate, then the Homos Actual Lip Procedure must be terminated after 23 seconds. If Peter does reciprocate, the procedure may continue for several minutes or until both partners have experienced phallic hardening."
"Phallic hardening? What the heck is that?"
Alex scanned the page. "It doesn't say. I've never heard the word 'phallic' before."
"Well, if we're going to be Homos Actuals, I guess we have to try it," Jake said.
They both tilted their heads slightly to the side. Jake found it was nice putting their lips together. They tried to follow the instructions to the letter, but found themselves improvising just a bit. Jake slipped his tongue into Alex's mouth. It was warm, wet, and nice. Alex reciprocated. Good, now Jake didn't have to count to 23. When they pulled away, they found that they'd both gotten hard down there. This confused Jake because he was sure he didn't have to pee.
Alex pointed between their legs. "Is this phallic hardening?"
Jake suspected it might be. "Maybe, but we should keep going just to make sure."
They practiced the Homos Actual Lip Procedure for quite a long time. Jake felt a tingling sensation course through his body. It was kind of like that feeling he got when he was a kid and got caught being naughty. But this was the best thing that had ever happened to him, so how could it be naughty?
When they finally broke apart, they examined their manly bits. If anything, they were even harder than before. Alex said, "I think that's definitely phallic hardening."
Jake felt a sense of pride at their accomplishment. "So does that mean we're Homos Actuals?"
Alex shook his head. "No. The book says that there's a lot more."
Jake thought this over. "You know, since this book is the training manual for new Homos Actuals, maybe we can learn it all. We could just recruit ourselves."
Alex seemed to think this over before answering. "I don't know, but I think we might have to find them before we can get officially recruited into the Homos Actual lifestyle." Then Alex tapped on the book. "But this can give us a head start and make sure we're good enough to get accepted when we do find the recruiters."
This made sense to Jake. "So what's the next step?"
Alex opened the book. "The Homos Actual Phallic Hand Procedure."
Thank you for reading my story. Comments are welcome. JasonDKarl@proton.me
Acknowledgement: The phrase "the natural use of the woman" is taken from the Bible, Romans 1:27, King James Version. However, note that I'm not a follower of any religion.
Here are links to my other stories on Nifty:
A Hankering for Pecker is a comedy series about a 19-year-old who comes out to his hillbilly father and winds up doing a porn show with him. https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/incest/a-hankering-for-pecker/
Perfectly Wicked is a dark and twisted series about a gay rent boy who is a vigilante killer with vampire-like abilities. https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/sf-fantasy/perfectly-wicked/
The Boys Who Loved is a stand-alone story. It is a sweet fairytale about two boys who fall in love at a tender age and how their parents deal with it. https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/young-friends/the-boys-who-loved.html
The Love of Winter Storm is a stand-alone friends-to-lovers story about a recovering addict and a radiologist he has known half his life. https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/young-friends/the-boys-who-loved.html
My stories may also be found at Scribble Hub. It has different rules from Nifty, so some stories may only be found on one of the sites. You may leave comments or likes there: Jason D. Karl on Scribble Hub.
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