Brian was twenty two when he got that news. He went with Kevin to the hospital for a check up and it was when his doctor said they needed Brian to submit for a heart surgery.
It had been one week now and all his family knew and was concerned about that. They knew Brian would have the best doctors to operate him, but sill heart surgery is serious stuff. Kevin also knew and so did Howie and AJ. Brian hadn't told Nick. He was actually afraid to. He himself knew things would be alright in the end, but Nick was so sensitive, so close to him... he didn't know how he would react to these news.
Brian had to be in the hospital till the end of the week. And today it was Monday. All the boys were insisting for him to tell Nick, and Kevin even offered to do so, but Brian knew he had to tell him personaly.
Nick was playing with the big basketball inside the living room while Brian was sat on the sofa, staring at him. Brian was the only one who didn't bother with Nick playing this game inside the apartment, even because sometimes he did it too.
"Score!" - Nick yelled happly making Brian smile.
Nick looked at him and smiled too.
"So here comes Nickolas again... and he is about to make the big final shoot, Oh my God ladies and gentlemen...!"
"Nick, sorry to interrupt your final big shoot." - Brian grinned and Nick eyed him.
"Yeah, Brian. The world will never forgive you for that." - Nick joked giggling after.
"Have a sit, man. We need to talk."
"Sure." - Nick sat on the floor and looked at him, letting go of the ball.
"Well... I don't even know where to start..."
"Why not the begining?" - Nick grinned.
"Yeah, this would be great." - Brian sighed looking for the right words. - "Nick, do you remember last week when Kevin and I went to the hospital for a check up?"
"Hm... yes, yes, I do."
"Oh, ok."
"There is nothing wrong with him, is there?"
"No, Kevin is fine. The problem is with me."
"Oh, no. God! What is it Brian?"
'Good, Brian! You just knew how to pick the worst way, didn't you?' - he thought to himself.
"Nick, do you remember those problems I had when I was a child? That doctors said I wouldn't be able to make it?"
"Yes... Oh, God..." - Nick's eyes were getting alarmed.
"No, wait! I ain't gonna die!" - Brian said touching his hands. - "Its just that... oh, well, they found this little problem with my heart and I'll have to go through surgery."
Nick was quietly staring at Brian.
"You are gonna be ok, right?" - Nick asked softly putting his hand above Brian's.
"Yes, Nick. Definitely! It shouldn't be big deal... I mean, I'll have the best people looking for me!"
Nick nodded a little in shock.
"Ok... How, how long do you know that? Do the others know?"
"Er, yes, Nick. They do. Kevin knows coz he went there with me. He told Howie and AJ. I wanted to tell you myself. Also my family knows."
"Sure, sure... Brian, why didn't you tell me before? I mean, its been one week you know you'll have to submit this surgery, right?"
"I'm sorry, Nick. I was afraid to tell you. I think... I think I was already afraid and fearing that if I told you I'd be even more scared with your reaction. I know I'm gonna make it. I know I'll be ok. I just didn't want you to worry and I know you would coz you are my friend..."
"Howie and AJ are also your friends!"
"But you are especial. I love you, Nick."
"Aw..." - Nick lifted from the floor and hugged Brian for a long time. - "I love you too and I know you are gonna be alright."
Brian sighed relieved.
"When... when are you leaving to the hospital?" - Nick asked.
"Thrusday. In the middle of the night. You could pratically say Friday."
Once again Nick looked him in the eyes. He smiled.
"I'm not scared about this. I know Brian Littrell too well to know he is a survivor."
Brian smiled widely at him.
"Thank you."
This whole week Brian and Nick had slept in different rooms of the same apartment. This time they were all together in the same place, each boy with his own bedroom. Right now Brian was only inside Nick's because they were saying goodbye before he had to leave.
It was Thrusday night at nine o'clock and Brian needed to sleep early, to be able to wake up in the middle of the night.
They were on Nick's bed in his room. Both boys very quiet. They didn't know for sure just what to say.
"So... how are you going to the hospital?" - Nick broke the silence.
"Kevin will take me. He will drive me to the hospital."
"At what time?"
"I'll wake up at four o'clock. It will be very dark and stuff. I'll have to sleep soon to be able get up. Oh... who cares? How many sleepless nights have we spent traveling around the clock, huh?" - Brian smiled.
"Yeah... true that. But still I think you should sleep now. You need to rest."
They were looking at the sheets and the floor, for some reason they couldn't stare at each other. Maybe it was the fear this would be the last time.
"Brian, can you please wake me up before you leave? I wanna say bye..."
"Oh, no, Nick. I don't wanna wake you up. I won't have the heart to."
"But Brian, please! I'm asking you to! C'mon, I'm giving you puppy eyes!" - Nick grinned and so did Brian looking at him.
"No, Nick... I don't wanna wake you up."
"Fine. Then I won't sleep."
"Nick!"
"I'm telling ya, I want to say bye..."
"But I don't. I'm here right now to do that. I don't wanna wake you up, Nick. Its already being hard enough. Just once is enough to say goodbye to you. I don't think I can do this twice..." - Brian's voice was fading as he was crying. - "It hurts doing that."
Nick had been fighting hard all this week not to cry, at least not in front of Brian, but right now it was just impossible. He pulled Brian close and they hugged, both boys with heads buried in each other's neck.
"I'm sorry, Nick... Its so hard I didn't want to go..."
"Its ok, Brian..." - Nick could taste his own salty tears. - "You are gonna be ok, I know that! I... I gotta confess I'm scared as hell..."
The boys grinned a little and Nick went on.
"But I just know you have to be ok. I can't go on without you, you know that! I need you, Brian..."
"I need you too!" - Brian's voice was suffocated into Nick's neck.
"Brian, promise you won't leave me!" - Nick broke the wall of the tough- man-being. - "Just promise you won't die, promise you'll be back!"
Brian stopped crying and held Nick's head into his hands.
"I promise you, Nick. I will come back. Fine. Even better. We'll still be best friends after this weekend. I wanna see your face as soon as I come to, ok?"
Nick smiled as both guys were caressing each other's face and hair.
"I'll be there for you. Just like you've always been there for me."
Brian kissed his forehead before standing up.
"Bye, Frack. See ya soon, buddy."
"Bye, Frick. Luv ya. Always."
"Luv ya too." - Brian whispered and left the room.
At four fifteen Brian was already up and ready to leave. His carry on at the door waiting for him.
"Let's go?" - Kevin whispered.
"Yes, yes..." - Brian looked around.
"What, is there something missing?"
Brian thought a little.
"Cousin, can you just take my bag and wait for me in the car? I still have something I want to do."
Kevin nodded. Somehow he knew what Brian meant.
"Sure, cuz. I'll be down there waiting for you. Take your time."
"Thanks." - Brian looked at him.
Kevin smiled and went down carrying Brian's bag with him.
Two minutes after Kevin had gone away Brian was still in the same place. He could feel his heart getting bigger inside of him. Filled with fear and love at the same time.
With feather's steps Brian went to Nick's bedroom and opened the door without making any noise. All the lights in the apartment were down, so that it was impossible to see him entering.
As Brian had predicted he didn't have the heart to wake Nick up. He was so cuddled into the blanket sleeping peacefully... His messed up blond hair falling on his eyes and touching the pillow. His arms in an embrace with this same pillow and his body curled up in a ball.
Slowly Brian leaned down to kiss his forehead. Immediatly Nick turned around and faced him with eyes almost closed.
"I knew you'd come..." - Nick rustled in a very low and sleepy voice.
Brian ran his hand through his hair and face and whispered close to him.
"Go back to sleep..." - Brian closed Nick's eyes with his hand and the boy didn't protest. He kept his eyes shut as Brian continued. - "Its all a dream... when you wake up I'll be by yourside again."
Brian softly kissed Nick's lips.
One minute later he was leaving the room. Nick didn't open his eyes again. The boy was fast asleep and Brian was thankful.
It was just a dream... Nick needed to sleep.
Friday Brian would spend all day long being prepared for the surgery that was gonna happen during the night. From Friday to Saturday. No visits allowed.
At nine o'clock Brian was laid in that bed looking at the ceiling. The doctors would be there at any second. White walls, white sheets. He wondered what Nick was doing.
'They probably began it already.' - Nick thought to himself laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He didn't want to think about what Brian was going through right now, but also he couldn't help it.
"Oh...!" - Nick growled turning around to bury his head into the pillow. He needed to sleep. He couldn't stand thinking of Brian and what was happening to him right now.
Nick stood up and left his room. Five minutes later he was knocking on Kevin's door.
"Come in!" - he yelled.
"Kevin, its me." - Nick said as he entered the room and sat on the bed where Kevin was watching TV. He turned it off.
"Whats up, Nick? Can't sleep either, right?"
"Yeah..." - he sighed. - "I'm trying but all I can do is think of Brian."
"I understand. Me too. And the same goes to AJ and Howie. I talked to them before. We are all concerned."
Nick nodded staring at the bed.
"Kevin, Brian is going to be ok, right?" - when Nick looked up again he had tears in his eyes.
"Oh, God... of course he is Nick! Do you wanna sleep with me tonight?" - Kevin knew Nick had hard times to fall asleep sometimes, and tonight would be one of those times.
"No, thanks. I just need..." - Nick cleaned the tears from his eyes. - "I just need to know Brian is gonna be alright. I can't even think something may happen to him..."
"Oh... nothing will happen, Nick!"
Kevin pulled Nick close and hugged him. Nick stayed in his arms for five short seconds before pulling apart. It didn't feel good. No, it was different. Hugging Brian was ok. He was his best friend. Being with girls too, hugging them was ok. But letting another man touch him? No way!
Nick stood up.
"I... I'm sorry, Kevin. I'll go back to my bedroom."
Kevin nodded sadly thinking Nick didn't get over his trauma.
Nick went back, turned the lights down and got into the sheets. He didn't have any further time to think when he collapsed into his sleep.
In his bedroom Kevin was reading a book at three o'clock of a dark night when he heard the screams coming from Nick's bedroom.
"No, Taison, no! Go away! Go away PLEASE!"
Kevin didn't trust his ears right away and stood up heading to the door to listen to it more carefully.
"NO! Please don't do this to me! No!!!!!"
Nick was whining, crying desperately.
Kevin ran to his room. He couldn't remember the last time Nick had a nightmare and it scared him. Maybe... no, for sure it was because Brian wasn't there for him. Somehow Nick was feeling that through his sleep. He could feel he was alone. But Kevin wouldn't let him be alone.
He got to the bedroom and Nick was really having a bad nightmare. Rolling on the bed, squeezing the pillow and screaming.
"Stop it! Stop, Taison, go way! Don't hurt me, don't! You can't do that... I hate you, I hate you!"
"Nick..." - Kevin shook him softly. - "Nick, wake up."
The boy stopped moving but didn't open his eyes. Kevin stood by his side for a couple more minutes until he thought it was over. Maybe now Nick would sleep again.
When Kevin turned around he heard him again.
"Brian, don't let him hurt me! Come back, come back! Don't die... you can't die, I need you! Brian, Taison is back again, you gotta help me!"
Nick was gasping.
"Brian, I love you... please don't leave me, please..."
Kevin went back to Nick's bed and this time he made him open his eyes.
"What...?" - Nick asked fighting for air.
"Nothing, Nick... Its over now." - Kevin ran his hand through his hair and Nick laid down again, staring at no where.
"I'll sleep here with you." - Kevin said as he climbed onto the bed.
Nick probably didn't hear him as he was still staring at nowhere.
Nick was in a strange state of trance.
Kevin moved closer and pulled Nick's body close to his. His eyes were still off somewhere else as he allowed himself to be cuddled by Kevin.
The older man held Nick into his arms for almost two hours of silence. Nick was holding on to him like a child who lost their lollypop to the evil man. Only his eyes were dead.
Slowly Nick began to wake up from this state. First he held on tightly to the body next to him, and little by little he realized something. It didn't feel good. It just didn't feel right! Nick looked up quickly and saw Kevin stroking his hair.
Immediatly Nick pulled away in shock.
"What?" - Kevin asked.
"Please don't touch me." - Nick muttered. - "You can go away, I'll be fine. Just go away, please Kevin..."
"Nick..." - Kevin touched him soflty as he moved closer.
"NO! Please..." - Nick whined and Kevin stood up.
"Alright, Nick. If you need anything just tell me, ok?"
"Sure. Thanks."
When he left Nick made a silent pray. Brian needed to live, otherwise he was going to die.
So... if there is someone STILL reading it, do you like it? Shall I go on?
Tell me, please... lionessy@hotmail.com