Warning: If you don't tolerate or approve of the gay lifestyle please leave now.
This story is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real locales are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and incidents are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ___________________________________________________________________________
Tension filled the quiet in Michael's car. Ivan usually liked silence. He loved to sit in his room, enjoying the peace and quiet. It never failed to soothe him. But now, being in Michael's jeep, the silence between them was more awkward than easy. Michael must have felt the same way because he connected his phone to the car's stereo jack to fill the void and Cary Brothers, one of Michael's favorite bands, began to softly fill the air.
It was Michael who first spoke. "So, you and Jake, huh?"
Ivan didn't respond. Partly because it was strange to talk to Michael about his relationship with Jake. But even more so because he wasn't even sure whether there even was a relationship with Jake yet.
However, Michael pushed through with his questions. "Do you like him?" He asked, his eyes still focused on the road.
Ivan wished Michael would look at him. He wanted to see in his eyes whether he was asking the questions out of innocent curiosity or if he was asking because of jealousy.
"Yeah. I like him." Ivan said with the intention of getting a rise out of Michael.
Michael, however, remained the same, focused on driving. "Just make sure you be careful, alright? I don't want you to get hurt."
"Yeah, right." Ivan whispered to himself. He couldn't help feeling frustrated. Michael cared, as usual. But not really in the way that Ivan wanted him to care.
"Look, Ivan. Despite everything, you're still my best friend and I just want you to be happy." This time Michael was looking at him and he saw the love the boy had for him but it was not the kind of love he so desperately desired.
Sarcastic and hateful words started to rise up Ivan's throat but he swallowed them. He had stop this. His feelings for Michael that had been eating him up were now consuming their friendship. He couldn't let that happen. He mustered up a smile and said, "I am happy. I like Jake. And the funny thing is it has helped me to learn how to figure my emotions out. You were right all along Michael, I was just confused. With me and Jake, it's a different kind of fondness. I guess I misunderstood what I felt towards you. It's not `love' love. But love towards a friend, a brother."
Tears started to form in Ivan's eyes so he looked away towards the window. It was painful to lie to himself and to Michael but he had to do it if he wanted to salvage their friendship.
For a few moments, only the music could be heard in the car. "There are movies playing in your eyes. Your dream of our fortunes but you're wrong. I don't belong to you." It was still Cary Brothers playing.
"Ivan..." Michael started.
But Ivan interrupted, "Uhm, do you think you can drop me off at Jean's diner instead. I totally forgot that she needed me to help her out today after school." It was another lie but the diner was the closest way out that Ivan could think of so that he could get out of the car and prevent Michael from seeing him bawl his eyes out.
"Okay."
The rest of the drive was short, much to Ivan's relief. When they pulled up at Jean's, Ivan was itching to get out of his seat. He looked over at Michael to say thanks but he saw the boy just staring at the steering wheel.
"Michael." He called. Michael blinked, coming out of his reverie. "You okay?"
Michael smiled at him, albeit a forced one. "Yeah. I suddenly just thought of my dad and..." He trailed off.
Ivan's heart melted. This was his time to be selfless and be a friend. "You miss him, huh?"
Michael looked at him and sighed. "Lately, I've been missing everything. Like I wish I could go back and just live in some of the days that have long gone by, you know?"
"Do you want to talk about it?" Ivan offered. There was something in Michael's voice that reminded him of himself, especially when he was thinking about his mother.
Michael shook his head. "No, no. Jean's expecting you and the team's waiting for me too over at Jake's." He sounded a little sad that Ivan couldn't help but think about wrapping his arms around Michael to comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay. But he couldn't do that. He needed to set boundaries in order for their friendship to work.
He looked at Michael, unsure if he wanted to end the conversation. But he knew Michael. He'd come to him if he was ready to talk. "Okay then. Keep an eye on Jesse for me, alright?"
Michael smiled, this time genuinely. "Sure thing."
Jesse's thoughts and dreams were full of sexual fantasies and being in a room full of jocks was one of them. Although they weren't exactly showering naked in rows or changing in the locker room, having been invited to hang out with them after school was still exciting. However, after an hour at Jake's, the fantasy was quickly fading. All this group of jocks had done was talk about sports, girls and heterosexual sex. Luckily, somebody challenged him to a video game, Tekken 4, which kept him entertained. After a while, a guy from the team arrived carrying six-packs of beer and boxes of pizza.
The boy Jesse was playing against got up to get himself a beer, leaving the bean bag beside him unoccupied. Jake soon filled the spot and offered him the bottle he was holding. "Thanks." Jesse said, taking a swig. The cold beer felt good as it went down his throat.
"Sure." Jake picked up the controller and restarted the game. "So are you enjoying yourself?"
Not really, when's the circle jerk off going to start, Jesse thought. But Instead he said, "Now that I have a beer, yes." He was picking his character on the game. Will it be too gay to pick a female character, he mused.
Jake grinned at him, also deciding which one he wanted to play as. "You've got balls. You know that?" He said, catching Jesse's attention. Jake looked around to see if anybody else was within earshot but all the other guys were gathered around the beer and pizza. "You being open with your sexuality with the team. I can't imagine myself doing the same thing."
"Well, I have no choice. The video pretty much outed me. I just had to roll with it. I'm sure you could too. So far they seem like decent guys. And you're far much closer to them than I am." Jesse said.
Jake shook his head. "That's the thing. They knew you as you. But me, I'm the guy that they've been sharing showers and locker rooms with and will continue to do so until we graduate. It'd probably weird them out to be naked around me."
Jesse shrugged. "You won't know until you give them a chance though." There was a pregnant pause as Jesse let Jake reflect on his words. "Oh, and by the way. You break Ivan's heart, and I'll break every bone in your body." He looked at Jake, making sure his message came across.
Jake scoffed. "Ha. You can try."
"Sure. And if I can't I'm sure Michael will be happy to join me."
Jake's face grew serious. "Look, I really like Ivan."
Jesse nodded. Jake seemed sincere. "Yeah? But I'm not the one you need to convince."
When Ivan arrived home from Jean's diner, he saw Alex waiting for him outside. She was sitting in one of the chairs on the front porch.
"Hey. We didn't get to finish our conversation at lunch." Alex said.
So she really isn't letting up, Ivan thought. He took a deep breath and invited her in. He offered to get her a beverage while she waited in the living room and conveniently she chose tea which took a few minutes to prepare. Ivan sorted out his thoughts as he boiled water.
"You told Michael how you feel, didn't you?" Ivan was caught off guard with her blunt question. Alex was standing by the kitchen door watching him. He looked at her and saw the somber look on her face. Her words sounded more like a statement than a question.
Ivan avoided her gaze and went to get two mugs from the cupboard. "What are you talking about?"
Alex scoffed. "C'mon Ivan, give me a little credit. I've known you two since we were kids, especially Michael. These past few weeks, he just hasn't been the same. You two haven't been the same."
"What do you mean?" His back was still to Alex as he pretended to watch over the kettle.
Alex walked over to the breakfast counter and sat on one of the stools. "He hasn't talked about you for a while now."
"Okay..." Ivan said as he put the mugs down on the counter. "I don't see how that means anything."
"Michael loves to bring you up in our conversations. He's very opinionated when it comes to you, you know."
Ivan chose not to respond. He grabbed the wet washcloth near the sink and wiped the surface in front of him.
"You know I've always had to compete with you for Michael's attention, ever since we were kids."
He found it ironic. He had always felt like he had had to compete with her. And of course, her being a girl made her the winner. In the end, she got Michael, didn't she? "You know that's not true, Alex. Michael loves you."
"I know that. But he loves you too. Sometimes I think even more than he does me."
"Alex," he started to say but he was cut off by the kettle whistling. He turned off the stove, put a tea bag on each mug and poured the hot water into them.
"I've accepted it for a long time, Ivan. I knew that no matter what happens, Michael will have you in his life and you will have him in yours too." He saw her pause a little to think while he put one of the mugs on the surface in front of her. Ivan stood across from her, holding his own mug.
Alex looked at him and shook her head with the slightest smile. "I have to admit when we had a falling out because of Andy, a part of me kinda felt relieved that you wouldn't be around so much, that I'd have Michael to myself. But even then when you guys weren't talking, during our times together he'd never fail to bring you up in our conversations. It was always `Remember when Ivan did this, or remember how Ivan liked this, or I wonder how Ivan is.' At first I would get mad at him for it, like really pissed at Michael because I couldn't seem to be enough for him. But then I learned to accept it that you'll always be in the picture. You guys have been best friends even before I came along. Although I have to admit, sometimes it seems like there's more." She let her last words linger, expecting a response from Ivan.
"We treat each other as brothers." It was the truth after all. Ivan might have had his deeply intimate feelings for Michael but they had never been reciprocated.
Alex shrugged. "Maybe. Or maybe more."
Ivan put his cup down. "This is crazy, Alex. Michael is in love with you." Ivan couldn't help but feel frustrated that Alex was doubting Michael. She had Michael. Michael loved him. What more did she want?
"How can you say that for sure?" She asked.
"Because, yes, Alex. I told him how I felt. I told him I loved him. And you know what he said to me? `I should get you home. Alex is waiting.'" Alex remained still and quiet on her seat, a look of surprise on her face. "It was the night of the Homecoming Dance. I left upset and he followed me to make sure I was okay. If he really loved me more than you, he would have taken me home and stayed with me." Ivan's voice started to crack. He could already feel his eyes welling up. "But instead, he chose you." Alex had a look of pity on her face. Great, just what I needed, Ivan thought.
Alex stood up from her seat, walked to Ivan and embraced him. "I'm sorry, Ivan. I didn't know."
And that was when it all broke loose out of Ivan. "He chose you Alex, so don't you ever fucking take that for granted. Don't doubt him. Take care of him. Love him. Love him as much as he deserved to be loved. Because I can't do it. I can't make him happy like you do." His emotions overflowed and everything flooded out. Not just through his tears but also through his words. He threatened Alex, demanded for her to treat Michael right. And then he started begging for her to not break his heart or hurt him in any way. Words kept spewing out of him. Words of hate and anger, resentment, loneliness, but mostly love. Love for the boy he could never have.
Alex just took it all in, holding her best friend closer and tighter as his body shook with his emotions. She thought she knew love. She thought she understood it. However, now she realized that this was the face of love, it was pure, untarnished and above all, selfless.
Back at Jake's house, Jesse was already having more than a decent time. Thanks to the effect of alcohol, the guys started talking about topics besides football and girls in their school. He participated in their group conversations, mostly when it came up to be about celebrities. He ended up fascinating them on how much he knew about their Hollywood fantasies. One of the senior guys in the team, Zack, talked to him and gave Jesse tips on some of his current classes and how to deal with his teachers which he really appreciated.
He saw Michael arriving, greeting the guys in the room with either a nod, a fist bump or a slap on the back. After that Michael went straight to Jake, mumbled a few words and then they were off to somewhere else in the house. Jesse couldn't help but be curious as to where the two were going. He wanted to follow them but was worried that the others might notice him. He was, after all, new to the group. He didn't want to appear nosy. Although the fact was he couldn't help his curiosity.
Jesse switched from foot to foot, itching to find Jake and Michael. What are they up to, he thought. Endless possibilities entered Jesse's head. He rolled his eyes at himself and laughed inwardly. This is stupid, he thought. He gave in and walked towards the direction where Jake and Michael had gone. He just couldn't help himself. Much to his dismay though, the hallway had five identical doors and they were all closed. He decided to listen to each door for any indication of any life behind them. Jesse was leaning his ear against the third door when he heard another door opening. He immediately stepped back and saw a serious looking Michael coming out of the farthest room in the hallway. An equally impassive Jake was right behind him. Both boys looked at him with surprise on their faces. "I was looking for the bathroom." Jesse lied.
"Opposite hallway, first door to your right. Excuse me, I have a phone call to make." Jake said and quickly walked away to go to his room upstairs.
"What's going on?" Jesse asked Michael who also looked like he was ready to walk away.
"We just had a little talk." Michael scowled at him, obviously not wanting to talk about it.
But Jesse wasn't one to yield quickly. "About what?"
"It's none of your business." Michael replied curtly.
Jesse nodded. "I'll go find that bathroom then." He excused himself and followed Jake's direction.
It had been a while since Alex had left and Ivan, lying on his bed, couldn't help but feel exhausted. He had not expected to tell Alex everything, especially that he had feelings for Michael. But he had to admit, it was very cathartic. It was a load off his shoulders. It even had him thinking that maybe it was possible for him to forget about his feelings. He needed to let go of Michael. Not just for their friendship but also for Michael's happiness.
A knocking on the door broke Ivan away from his thoughts. "Hey." It was Jean, standing at the doorway.
"Hi." Ivan greeted, sitting up.
"May I come in?" Jean asked.
"Of course."
Jean walked to the side of the bed and sat down on the edge. "Everything okay? You seemed a little distracted when you were at the diner this afternoon." Ivan just nodded silently at her. "Is it Michael?"
Ivan's eyes widened in surprise. What was she, psychic? Or was he that obvious? Everyone around him seemed to have noticed his attraction for Michael, except Michael himself.
Jean chuckled, taking pleasure out of Ivan's reaction. "I saw him drop you off at the café."
Oh, Ivan thought, feeling his cheeks burning up. "It's nothing." He wasn't sure he wanted to talk to Jean about it. However, she kept on probing.
"Okay... Well, it's just that you've been a little off since your Homecoming Dance." Jean stated, her eyes full of concern. "You actually have out-brooded yourself." She joked to lighten up the conversation for Ivan's sake.
Ivan looked at Jean's eyes and back down to his hands again. After he had finally mustered the courage to speak up, his phone started ringing. Ivan rolled his eyes.
"Take it." Jean said. "I'll be here if you want to talk." And with that, she left the room.
Ivan went to his night stand to pick up his phone and saw it was Jake. Ivan wondered why Jake was calling him. "Hey. What's up?"
"Hi, I was wondering if you want to come over here to the house. Like, right now?" Jake said on the other line.
That surprised Ivan. Why would Jake want him to be there with all his jock friends in the same room? "Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, with the team being there and everything?"
"Actually that's the reason why I want you to be here. I want you to get to know them and for them to know you. They're my friends."
"I don't know Jake, I..." Ivan paused as he considered it. He really wasn't sure if he still had enough energy to put on a face and deal with them.
"Look, I know you're not much of a fan of the team since all that happened with Andy but the team has changed since then. Most of the assholes have graduated. The only jerks remaining are Rick and his sidekick Taylor, and they're not here."
Ivan appreciated the thought of Jake wanting him to get along with his friends, but he couldn't help but feel like he was being put on the spot.
"Michael and Jesse are here too. So if it gets uncomfortable or anything you can always hang with them." There was a pause from Ivan's end of the line. "I really like you Ivan. I just want for this to work and for you to get along with my friends."
"Can I think about it?" Ivan finally said. He had to hand it to Jake with his persistence.
"Okay." Ivan thought he heard disappointment in Jake's voice but he wasn't sure. "That's alright. But whether you make it or not, will you have dinner with me on Friday night?"
Again, Ivan was put on the spot with another decision. But before he knew it, he found himself saying yes to dinner.
"Cool." Jake's relief was evident, he sounded like he was smiling. "Friday night then. But please consider coming here now, okay? It would really mean a lot to me if you did."
"I promise I'll think about it." Ivan said before hanging up. He took a deep breath as he contemplated the situation. First, it was a school night so he really didn't want to go out but then again, since it was a school night most of them would probably go home early. Second, Jake had established good points when he tried to convince him and he did say that it would really mean a lot to him. And last, Michael was there. Ivan wasn't sure if he wanted to be around him at the moment, not after his talk with Alex. But wouldn't it be the perfect timing that he'd take a chance with Jake after he had made the decision to let go of Michael? However, he had already said yes to Jake's dinner invitation. Maybe that would be enough to compensate for him if he just decided to just call it a night. Ivan sighed in frustration and rolled his eyes at himself. Jesse was right. He could be such a girl sometimes.
When Jesse got back to the play room, he picked up another bottle of beer and went to stand near the area where the game console was. There were two boys playing against each other and he watched their game.
"Ivan told me to keep an eye on you." Michael said quietly, stepping beside Jesse.
"Too late. I already made out with half the team." He joked, a smirk on his face. "So I guess you're talking to him again?"
"Again, none of your business." Michael said curtly.
He scoffed. "Are you kidding me? Dude, you should have known by now that I put my nose into everybody's business, especially Ivan's."
Michael rolled his eyes at him. "Yes Jesse, we talked a little." He said condescendingly.
An idea dawned on Jesse. "It was about Ivan, wasn't it? The conversation you had with Jake." He looked at Michael. The boy was silent, probably considering if he should tell Jesse.
After a few beats of silence Michael spoke, "I just wanted to make sure his intentions with Ivan are good."
Jesse smiled in amusement. Michael always had Ivan's best interest at heart. No wonder Ivan had fallen for him.
"Ivan's just been through so much. The last thing he needs is somebody just playing around with him. He deserves somebody that really cares for him... Someone to always look after him." Michael said quietly.
Jesse's eyebrows shot up. "Someone like you?"
Michael looked at him, seeming off-guard. He was about to say something but a voice interrupted him.
"How's the gang doing?" And there standing in the doorway, with a cocky smirk on his face, was Andy.
Okay. That ends Chapter 30. What do you guys think about it? Feel free to email me with your thoughts or post it at the readers's page on FaceBook.
Thanks again to Mr. Dennis S for patiently editing my work. For those who aren't still members of the FaceBook readers' page, we have lots of room for you guys. If you want to join, here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/groups/ISBreaders/
Thanks! Keep on reading :)