If I Am
Hey, thanks for the compliments so far; they were really inspiring. Just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories: some of them included "Kevin and Justin", "Forever"/"Equilibrium", and "Route 66 Rocks!" Please feel free to email comments or constructive criticism to me, and I'll respond as quickly as possible. I'll post more if there's interest. Also, as the story develops, feel free to email ideas on where the story should go, how you think the characters should develop - I'll do my best to incorporate ideas that would work within the framework of the story.
Email : ajantis20@hotmail.com
Just to let you know: I'm trying for a fairly slow-paced, less cheesy story. From the look of things, it'll probably be fairly talky as well, although I'll try to keep it down. Bear with me, folks. So don't read this expecting an instance romance, a quick jump into bed, and hot, wild, passionate sex right away, although I presume that will all happen somewhere down the road.
Couple of notes : I've juggled the dates of the BSB's Black and Blue (aka B/B) tour around, to kind of make things fit within the story's timeline. Also, towards the end of this installment, the reason I've chosen the title for this story becomes a little clearer.
DISCLAIMER
This story is completely fictional and is not meant to reflect the actual personalities or sexualities of the Backstreet Boys. If any member of BSB is gay, it's their business. If it's illegal or you're too young to read the story where you're living, please refrain from doing so.
Here goes...
If I Am
Chapter 7
I walked into my apartment, slamming the door shut on yet another chaotic day of grading, rehearsing, and listening to boring professors drone on about yet another musty statistical formula. Sighing, I sat down in front of the computer and stretched to work out the kinks. Turning on the computer, I clicked on the "KSR mail" folder.
From : ksrboi721@aol.com To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : back in FL Date : Mon, Mar 19, 2001, 11PM EST
Safely back in good ol' Florida! Had a wonderful time. Hope you did too. Stay in touch.
From : ksrboi721@aol.com To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : Rehearsal Date : Thurs, Mar 22, 2001, 2AM EST
Hey Alan,
Good to hear that the Decaphonics gig went well. Things are starting to heat up over here in O-town. I presume you've been checking out the website, so you probably know we're about to resume the B/B tour again. Trying to lock down all the concert logistics and dance arrangements.
Oops, gotta go!
Kevin
From : ksrboi721@aol.com To : alanphonics@boston.edu Subject : Tour Date : Sat, Mar 24, 2001, 4AM EST
Al,
Sup? So the car will be out of the shop next Wed? That's good news. Still feel guilty every time I see a black Dodge Colt on the highway . Might not be able to write for a bit. Have to make sure that everything is settled before we go on tour. Time to sleep. Talk to you soon,
Kev
I frowned. No email from Kevin since the news of his divorce had been splashed across the tabloids almost a week ago. I mentally shook myself; I was reading too much into Kevin's silence. The man was nearly thirty; he could take care of himself... I was just being way too clingy, as usual.
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Alan?"
"Kevin!" I hesitated... "How've you been?"
"Could be better". Underneath the wry sarcasm, his voice was taut and tense, betraying the hurt underneath. I was paralyzed, not knowing what to say without making things worse.
"Just wanted to let you know that management has kept us busy with publicity junkets to try and control the fallout from this 'fiasco'". Bitterness momentarily crept into Kevin's voice. Didn't want you to think I'd been ignoring your emails, but it's been kinda hard to get some quiet time lately in the midst of this chaos. And it looks like they're keeping us busy all the way up to the concert next Fri in Atlanta, so I might not be able to email you till after the concert, when they're letting us off for a short break". Pause. "Sorry..." His voice trailed off.
The bleakness, the anguish that throbbed in his voice for that one instant, left me floundering for words to say, things to do, that could balm over his pain. "Kevin, umm... you know that if you need someone to listen... I'd be more than willing to... umm..."
But the moment was past. "No, don't worry about me. I'm fine ;I'll get through this" From the mock cheer in his voice, it seemed like Kevin had drawn back from the precipice, walling the hurt away. I wasn't sure that was such a good thing. "Hey Alan, I really need to go. I'll try and call once management lets us go after the concert okay?"
Click. I stared at the now silent receiver.
Somehow, deep down, I knew Kevin desperately needed someone to talk to, someone who wasn't embroiled in this so-called "fiasco", but I didn't know what to do; it wasn't like I could personally fly down and comfort him.
An idea struck me... I clicked on the BSB website and started browsing...
Chapter 8
I stared out at the hills as the radio blared...
"It's my life
It's now or never
But I ain't going to live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life"
("It's My Life", Bon Jovi)
"I can't believe we're going to see their concert in three hours!" Ginny was approaching a feverish state of excitement, which was making me a little nervous since she was driving. I'd had too many near-miss experiences with Gina behind the wheel for me to be completely calm as she overtook yet another semi on the highway.
Honestly speaking, though, I couldn't believe we were about to see the Backstreet Boys in three hours either. Somehow, in the week since Kevin's call, I'd managed to clear my teaching and class schedule for the weekend, bought tickets for the concert in Atlanta, and convinced Gina to come down with me to the concert. Well, convincing Gina hadn't been too hard; she'd enthusiastically agreed the instant I'd asked. Buying the tickets had been a little tougher; I'd basically done some credit juggling and maxed out a couple of my credit cards to buy tickets and ensure that I'd enough petty cash left over for this trip. Inside, I was wracked by a sense of indecision...had I done the right thing by throwing everything to the wind and driving down to Atlanta? But the pain that had been so palpable in his voice when he'd called kept tugging at me, and I knew I'd only be satisfied that Kevin was okay if I talked to him in person.
The song ended. In an introspective mood, I slipped one of my favorite CDs into the stereo.
"There's a letter on the desktop
that I dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and I start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams..."
(Indigo Girls, "Ghost)
Gina, sensing my reluctance to talk, kept quiet, and we both listened to the music in silence.
Chapter 9
"Come on, Alan, hurry that slow-ass of yours, we're going to be late!"
"Hold your britches, girl, we've got two hours to go!"
"Yeah, whatever, just hurry up!"
I scrambled out of the MARTA subway exit, to see Gina vanish around the corner. I sighed... how did that girl have so much energy, especially after that twelve-hour drive down from Boston?
We got to Phillips Arena with time to spare, but there was already a massive crowd gathered in front. This being my first time to a BSB concert, I was a little awed by the sheer number of people present, but also a little surprised by how diverse the crowd was. Scattered here and there among the swarming mass of teenyboppers and pre-teens were pockets of thirty- and forty- somethings.
"Come on, Alan, let's start looking!"
I gulped. This was the most questionable part of the plan that Gina and I had cobbled together on the road. Nervous, I scanned around for the ubiquitous scalpers that always popped up at such concerts.
"BSB TIX! - $120" One sign screamed, but that wasn't what I was looking for.
"Alan!" I spun around, and saw Gina clutching the arm of a middle-aged lady. Some haggling and $160 later, we found ourselves the proud owners of 2 tickets for a meet & greet session with BSB. As we ran to the side of Phillips Arena, where the session was supposed to start, Gina laughed, "God, I'm so totally broke, but this is gonna be so worth it!"
Unfortunately, I wasn't feeling quite the same way. As we were ushered into one of the side rooms, my mind was running through a thousand and one worst-case scenarios. What if Kevin didn't even recognize me? What if Kevin was okay and I'd come down for nothing? What if... what if... what if...
Ear-piercing shrieks. The Boys must have made their appearance. Jostled from my reverie, I glanced around and suddenly realized that I was surrounded by screaming, hysterical teenagers. Gina and I looked sheepishly at each other; we were both feeling rather ancient at that moment.
After the screams died down, the group broke into an a capella rendition of "I Want It That Way". More screams. The group members then fanned out through the crowd to mingle. Gina went off to look for AJ, and I began weaving my way towards Kevin, who was over at the far end of the room.
Kevin was already dressed for the concert; tight blue tank top, black pants and boots, black trenchcoat. He'd grown his goatee out, but trimmed his shoulder-length locks a little. As I crept up behind him, he was leaning forward, talking to some teenagers, who, from the looks on their faces, were totally eating up whatever he said.
"Hey, Kev..."
He spun around... the rest of the words caught in my throat. Even though I'd seen him on MTV several times since he'd left Boston, there was just something so vivid, so visceral, about seeing him in person that took my breath away. Mere pictures couldn't capture his presence.
The blank expression of shock quickly turned to one of amazement and delight.
"Alan! What're you doing here!? My god! I'm so glad you're here! Give me a moment" He turned back round to the girls and started chatting with them. The looks of resentment that had been directed at me quickly disappeared. I watched Kevin. He was the consummate professional, always courteous, always polite, never getting flustered, even when one of the girls threw a tantrum after being politely asked by one of the security guards to proceed to her seat. After posing for pictures and sending them off on their way, he turned back to me, smiling. Before I knew it, he'd pulled me into a huge hug; Kevin sure had a way of sneaking those up on you.
"So what're you doing here?"
"Well, Gina and I managed to get the weekend off, so we decided to be wild and crazy and come down to see you guys" I cracked a nervous smile. "'Sides, I thought you'd appreciate a friendly face"
He didn't say anything, but the smile in his eyes was enough.
"Yo, Kev!" I turned around to see AJ, Gina at his shoulder. "Gina here says she's met you before"
"Sure have. Come here, Gina" She got a hug from Kevin as well. "Glad that you made it down too".
"Wouldn't miss it for the world, Kev". Gina tweaked his nose before pulling away.
He laughed. "So what seats do you guys have?"
I pulled the tix out of my empty wallet. "Row H, Section 2".
Kevin looked at AJ and shook his head. "That'll never do, here, give me those, I'll get Todd to pass you some new ones".
"But..."
"No buts..." I caved in. "Todd'll come by later".
"Thanks, Kevin"
"Hey, what are friends for? Excuse me for a bit, I gotta talk to Brian".
Gina immediately took the chance to start chatting up AJ. I took the chance to give AJ the once-over. His hair was bleached blonde and frizzy today, and he was wearing a trimmed goatee. The multiple piercings and tattoos gave him a slightly menacing appearance and an almost animal-like yet playful sensuality. While I could understand why some women (like Gina) found AJ attractive, I came to the conclusion that I'd take Kevin over AJ any day.
"So, Alan, What part do you sing?"
"Huh?" I was flummoxed, not having anticipated AJ talking to me. "How did you know I was in a singing group?"
"Oh, Kev mentioned it"
Flustered by the fact that Kev had mentioned my name to the others, I stammered, "Uh... yeah, I sing low bari, sometimes bass, and I do percussion too. Gina over here does low alto in the group".
"Oh yeah? How long have you been in the group G?"
"Two years. Same as Alan." She flicked her hair. I did a double-take. Gina only EVER flicked her hair when she was interested in a guy. She flicked her hair again. Yup. She was most definitely flirting with AJ. That was a trifle disconcerting.
"Sorry, had some concert stuff to settle". Kevin rejoined the conversation.
AJ punched Kevin in the shoulder. "No, Kev, you were a bad boy. Go sit in the corner", he joked.
Kevin smiled and played along. "Okay, goodbye". He turned to go, but Gina caught his sleeve and pulled him back and wiggled a finger in his face.
"Nuh uh, no sulking at the table, young man". They both started laughing.
We kept on talking for a while, until the rest of the group joined us.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Nick, Howie, these are my friends Alan and Gina from Boston". Nick and Howie both seemed friendly, but it was hard to tell since we were meeting for the first time.
"Good to see you up and about". I turned around to see a smiling Brian.
"Yeah, small crash like that? No problem", I drawled sarcastically.
Unfortunately, before I had a chance to talk to Kevin, Joe, the tour manager barged into the circle. "Hey boys, you gotta get ready. Concert starts in an hour!
A look passed between Kevin and Howie, and Howie turned to me. "Alan, could you do us a favor?"
"Sure...?"
"We need to run through a couple of songs as a warm-up. Could you do the vocal perc for now? Gina, you don't mind us stealing him, do you? We'll get Todd to show you to your seat first"
"No problem at all". She grinned wickedly. "Go ahead and borrow him for all I care. Just make sure you return him in usable condition".
"What? Hey, since when did I become a piece of meat to be traded around?"
Eyes twinkling, Kevin turned to me, "Alan, you don't have to say yes, but..." He grinned.
What could I do? I couldn't resist that smile and gave in YET AGAIN, but made a mental note to turn away ASAP the next time Kevin tried to flash those pearly whites at me.
We went to one of the private rooms, and Howie pulled out a pitchpipe. They immediately broke into a jazzed up a capella version of "The One". Kevin took me through the vocal perc a couple of times, which was simple enough that I was able to pick it up by the fourth time through. We then did the same thing for "As Long as You Love Me". I was terribly impressed by the rad musical skills that the guys displayed the entire time. Not one single note was misplaced, and the vocal blend was done to perfection. In fact, the guys were so comfortable with the songs that they even switched vocal parts mid-song just for fun.
"Good job, guys!" Howie and Kevin were obviously pleased.
AJ slapped me on the shoulder "Awesome perc, Al!". I blushed, not used to the praise.
Someone poked his head through the door. Kevin turned around. "Hey Todd. Just in time! Could you take Alan to his seat please?" He looked at his watch. "Damn, 20 min... Let's go, guys! See you later, Alan?"
"Yup. Break a leg!" I high-fived the guys as they rushed out, but Nick and AJ winked at me on their way out. Something was up.
I followed Todd down a series of passages filled with the hustle and bustle of people, all getting ready for the concert; dancers stretching in their skin-tight black outfits, technicians tugging at their headsets... the mood was electric and the air literally reeked of excitement. This was going to be an awesome concert.
We finally made it out into the main arena itself. I tried not to gawk as Gina waved excitedly from several rows away. The place, to put it simply, was huge. Actually, words like "colossal" and "gargantuan" came closer to capturing the sheer size of the place. And Kevin had given us seats right up in front of the stage!
"Isn't this exciting? We can see right up their noses when they perform!"
"I don't know, Ginny. Somehow the prospect of seeing AJ or Nick's nose hairs doesn't quite enthrall me"
"You silly boy!" She punched me in the shoulder. "You know what I mean"
We settled down, but didn't have to wait long before the lights dimmed, evoking hysterical screams of approval from the fans who had completely packed the Arena.
"Atlanta, are you ready?"
AJ's voice roared out from the speakers and echoed off the walls, to be met by a resounding cheer from the audience.
"Atlanta, ARE YOU READY?" Kevin's voice joined in.
Somehow, the shrieks got even louder and higher. Gina and I were screaming our hearts out.
An image of a haunted mansion, lightning flashing in the background, appeared on the giant vid screens while eerie sounds floated through the arena.
"Everybody...
Rock your body..."
In a burst of light and pyrotechnics, BSB emerged from the depths of the stage on a huge platform, frozen in twisted poses. More shrieks and screams.
"Everybody...
Rock your body right...
Backstreet's back all right!"
Dancers streamed onto the stage and the Boys burst into motion. Everybody got to their feet and started grooving along. The whole song was one endless spectacle of energy and movement, while lasers and special effects only served to heighten the atmosphere. By the time BSB finished the song, the whole crowd had been sent into a frenzy. The shrieks that greeted Nick, Brian, Kevin, AJ and Howie as they bowed were ear-shattering and seemed to go on forever.
The five of them fed off the energy from the crowd and carried the momentum from their first song into the rest of their set. Maybe I was biased, but it seemed like not one song was out of tune, and not one dance step was out of place; it was that magical. Kevin, in particular, seemed really energized. His expression was one of sheer delight; it was easy to see that he really enjoyed performing on stage.
There was a brief intermission, and then BSB returned with a rousing rendition of "Larger Than Life" which brought the house down. Then Kevin took the stage.
"Hey, Atlanta, how ya doing tonight?"
Scream.
"Great! We've got a special treat for you tonight. As you know, the Backstreet Boys started off doing a capella gigs in and around Orlando. So, we thought we'd perform a couple of our singles for you tonight, a capella style. What do you say?"
More screams. A suspicion began to form at the back of my mind.
"Just by chance, one of my friends is here in the audience tonight, and he's an awesome percussionist, so I thought it would be nice if he could join us up here tonight. You don't mind, do you?"
My stomach began to turn somersaults.
Kevin turned in our direction and smiled wickedly. "So, please give a welcome to my friend Alan, from the Boston Decaphonics!"
Next thing, I knew, I was up on stage. I still don't remember how I got there, Gina must have guided/pushed me up onto stage, because there was no way I could have made it there by myself.
I looked around and froze. From the stage, the Arena looked like one giant black patch of darkness, and the thought of performing with the Backstreet Boys in front of thousands upon thousands of people was too much to handle. My stomach stopped performing somersaults and started looking for the nearest fire escape.
Seeing how tense I was, Kevin placed an arm around my shoulder and whispered, "You'll be fine". I relaxed and slowly got into the groove, pretending that we were rehearsing like we had earlier. Still nervous, I made a couple of mistakes here and there, but the Boys were more than capable of covering for me. We finished the two songs to thunderous applause, and I got hugs from all five guys as I left the stage.
Dazed, I got back to my seat, scarcely noticing the envious looks of the girls around me.
"Oh my god, Alan, you were totally awesome up there!"
"Uhhh..."
"Alan?"
"Huh?"
"Alan, there's a two-headed monkey stealing your wallet"
"Wha?"
Gina shook her head and sat me down. By the time I'd recovered enough to pay attention to the stage again, Backstreet had already gotten halfway through the second half, which was just as energetic and polished as the first. They closed out the set with "The Call". After much screaming and clapping, they came back on for their chorus.
Nick waved to the crowd. "Atlanta, thanks for the Southern welcome! We had a great time, and now we have one more song for you".
Brian spoke next. "I'm sure all of you have heard it. Feel free to sing along"
The first strains of "I Want It That Way" came over the speakers.
"You are... my fire...
My one... desire...
Believe... when I say..."
The crowd sang along, "I WANT IT THAT WAY!"
Gina, and I swayed along to the music. There was a damn good reason this ballad had been on TRL for the longest time; it was a gorgeous arrangement, and the Boys did it justice.
Kevin walked to our side of our stage and started his portion of the solo.
"Now I can see that we've fallen apart
from the way that it used to be yeah
No matter the distance
I want you to know that
deep down inside of me"
Kevin's voice, rich and vibrant as always, was full of warmth and feeling. His face was luminous, reflecting the joy inside. Somehow, that made me happy too. Even though I knew it was totally ludicrous, I imagined that the two of us were alone and that Kevin was singing only to me. I quickly jerked myself away from that thought... I'd been down that path before, and down that road lay pain and heartbreak...
"Tell me why
ain't nothin' but a heartache
ain't nothin' but a mistake
Tell me why
I never wanna hear you say
I want it that way
cos I want it that way..."
There was a sudden hush as the song came to the end. The silence, almost magical in its intensity, lasted for a few moments before the crowd erupted into frenzied screaming.
Unsure of what to do next, Gina and I waited around while the rest of the people around us slowly filed out. After a while, Todd came to grab us. We came upon the five BSB guys in high spirits from a successful concert, who told us that they'd already booked rooms for us in the same hotel that we were staying at. Gina quickly engaged Nick and AJ in conversation. I saw Kevin sitting slightly slumped in a chair at the edge of the room and went over to join him.
"Hey"
Despite the fatigue that showed plainly on his face, there was a cheerful and mischievous light in his eyes. "Hey, Alan. Enjoyed yourself tonight?"
"Yeah, you guys did a great job out there, although you do realize I'm gonna get you back for that shenanigan you pulled on me..."
He snorted in response. "Oh, come on, you can't be serious, I'm sure you enjoyed it up there".
"More like frozen stiff! 'Sides, you tricked me, so you have to pay"
He quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? And what ARE you gonna go?"
"Oh, I don't know... maybe attack a ticklish spot or two... I'm sure Howie or AJ would be more than willing to tell me where to look". I pretended to be deep in thought, but couldn't help chuckling at the look of horror that entered his eyes at the thought of being tickled.
We were interrupted by AJ and Gina. "Hey, you lazy-asses, time to move those butts of yours. Time to partay! Gina here wants us to show her the hottest nightspots in town, and I've volunteered yours truly as her escort for the evening". AJ bowed with a flourish, to which Gina responded with a playful curtsey.
Kevin shrugged. "Sure, why not? All work and no play makes Kevin a dull boy". But as he got out of his chair, a bespectacled, grey-suited man walked into the room.
"Kevin, can I talk to you for a moment?"
Kevin froze, and his expression was unreadable. There was a definite chill as the two of them left the room.
Chapter 10
"Who was that?" Gina whispered.
"That was one of our fucking junior managers, Terence. He was appointed to "chaperone" us after Kevin's so-called fiasco". AJ's voice, while soft, was bitter and laden with sarcasm.
We waited around. No one felt like starting a conversation.
After what seemed like an interminable time, Kevin stepped back into the room. Although he was smiling, there was a dejected look in his eyes.
"Sorry, Terence just had some concert logistics to sort out. I'm feeling kind of tired... I think I'm just gonna head back to the hotel to sack out. You guys go ahead without me" Even Kevin's usually lively voice sounded flat and deadened.
Howie's eyes hardened. "Come off it, Kev! I think we all know what that sleazeball Terence was telling you. Management doesn't control us; come along, you deserve a break just as much as the rest of us"
Kevin shook his head. "No seriously, I'm totally exhausted. I'd just be a drag if I went along with you guys. These ol' bones of mine are calling it a day". The rest of the guys hesitated, their desire to stay with Kevin at odds with their own need for some R&R. They finally gave in after much insistence by Kevin. The five of them headed over to their dressing rooms to change.
The sight of Kevin's slumped shoulders as he walked away was heartbreaking. I turned to Gina: "Ginny, I think I'm gonna call it a day too and hitch a ride with Kevin back to the hotel". Kevin was going to need a friendly ear, and I wasn't about to let him shut me out.
She turned to me, her eyes concerned. "You sure?"
I nodded and smiled. "Just keep those four boys from getting into trouble".
Gina rolled her eyes. "Sure, make me babysit four energetic young men".
I favored her with a devilish grin. "Well, if you'd like, I'm sure I could think of other ways for you to occupy their time". Gina actually blushed and laughed.
The guys came back in at that point, dressed in their regular casual clothing, and we followed them outside where two limos were waiting. Kevin immediately got into one.
"So you guys coming? Howie wants to go to Pablo's tonight..."
"Gina is but I'm zonked. Think I'm gonna hitch a ride with Kevin back to the hotel. Night, guys"
Kevin gave me a puzzled look as I got into the car. "Aren't you going to Pablo with the rest of the guys?"
"Nah, I'm kinda tired. 'Sides, thought you might want some company"
Kevin tensed and his eyes hardened. "I'm fine. You didn't have to come along just to keep me company". The harshness in his voice was painful.
Rebuffed, I wasn't sure what to say or what to do. The way he stared unblinkingly out the window screamed louder than words how much he had to be hurting inside. I had to get through to him somehow without making him defensive; that would only cause him to push me away.
We passed the rest of the journey in silence, only stopping midway to pick up my and Gina's bags from her car. It wasn't long before we reached the hotel, but the interminable silence made those few brief moments seem like eternity.
As we got off the elevator, my thoughts were in a complete turmoil. Maybe Kevin didn't want my company... maybe coming down here had been a terrible mistake... after all, I'd only met him several weeks ago...
"Alan?"
I turned around. Kevin was standing there, stock-still, an air of disquiet of him.
"I'm really sorry... I didn't mean to snap at you earlier... it's just that..." He looked like he was struggling to get the words out.
I tentatively raised my hand towards him. When he took it, I pulled him into a fierce embrace that he fervently returned. "I understand, Kevin", I whispered gently into his ear.
We went into our respective rooms. I dumped the bags that Gina and I'd packed by the bed, did some unpacking, then went over to Kevin's room.
"Hey, can I come in?"
"Sure, I'm just about done unpacking"
Kevin was hanging some clothes in the closet as I walked in. He'd apparently just stepped out of the shower, since his hair was still slightly damp and he was bare-shirted. I made a conscious effort to look the other way as I sat down on the couch until the rustling sound that indicated that he'd put on a shirt. While the thought of ogling Kevin's body was a painfully tempting thought, seeing him with his shirt off would have started thoughts that I honestly wasn't quite ready to consider.
There was amiable silence for a moment. I looked over at Kevin. He looked less on edge than he had in the limo, but there was a sense of weariness and defeat about him that made my heart clench. I had to do something.
"Kevin?"
"Hmmm?"
"I know it's not my place to say anything, but do you need to talk?"
Silence.
I kept on going, hoping against hope that I'd say something that could breach the wall that Kevin had erected around himself.
"It's just that in the past, when things have gone badly, I've always held the pain in, afraid that letting someone in will only make things worse. But... friends like Gina were always there for me, and they weren't going to abandon me just because I was going through a rough spell. I know we've only known each other for a short while, but I consider you my friend, Kevin, and it aches to see you hurting inside so much. For all it's worth, I'm here for you, and if you think I am only here to watch you as you suffer, then I mean to let you down..." I was babbling and I knew it, but I couldn't think of anything else to say, afraid that I'd only scare Kevin away again.
I looked over at Kevin. He was sitting on the bed, a frozen, unmoving figure, hunched over with his head buried in his hands. Unsure of what to do, I slowly reached over and squeezed his shoulder.
I could feel him trembling. There was a stillness as we both just sat there, and then he broke the silence in a choked voice.
"It's hard... why does it have to be so damn fucking hard?"
He looked over at me, his eyes wet with unshed tears. "That bastard Terence thought that it'd come across badly in the media if they saw me partying so soon after the divorce. I was going to tell him to fuck off, till he reminded me that it was either that, or management would have to keep all of us so busy that none of us would have time to relax". His voice shook with suppressed anger. "I caved in. I've always protected the guys from management, and they've already gone through enough because of me and this whole divorce thing..."
"Kevin Scott Richardson", I said firmly, "you CANNOT expect to bear the burdens of the group by yourself. Nick, Howie, AJ and Brian look up to you and respect you, but they are also independent young men who can take care of themselves, who are your friends. Just like I am. They will NOT look down upon you if you ask them for help or support". I squeezed his shoulder tighter. "And besides, it is not wrong, or morally reprehensible, that you got divorced". I looked him square in the eyes. "Kevin Scott Richardson, you ARE a fallible human being just like the rest of us, even if that thought somehow seems wrong to you". I smiled. "So it is not your fault that this whole thing is happening. Blame it on "The Firm", blame it on the media, but don't blame it on yourself..."
I was totally unprepared for the look of anguish that appeared in his eyes. "Kevin, did I say anything wrong?"
Kevin started trembling, his fists clenched so furiously that they were white around the knuckles. He turned around, a haunted look on his face.
"But it is my fault..." he whispered in a terribly sill voice. "Kari and I got divorced because..." he drew a ragged breath. "Because I'm... bi"
That was one revelation I hadn't anticipated. I sat there, stunned, trying to absorb the implications of what Kevin had just said.
"Who else knows?"
"Just you and Kari... I only found the courage to tell her shortly after we got married. She seemed fine with it at first, but me being bi, and the whole celebrity and touring thing, just slowly drove us apart. And I couldn't do a damn thing about it!" Tears were streaming down his face, and he was speaking between ragged sobs. He turned to look at me, face lined with guilt and sorrow. "So how can you say that all this is none of my fault?"
I reached out to tenderly stroke his face. "Kevin... being bi isn't something to feel guilty for. It's part of who you are, and if Kari wasn't able to accept that, then it was her loss, not yours. You're still my friend, and I still care for you very much. I'm glad that you were able to share such an important part of yourself with me. And when you feel able to tell the rest of the guys, you'll find that they feel the same way too". I wiped a tear away from his cheek and slowly, gently pulled him into a hug. With a shudder, Kevin collapsed into my embrace.
"It's too difficult..." The words came out in gasps between full-throated sobs. "The press, the fans..."
"Shhh... I understand... just let it all out" I stroked his hair as he wept tears of relief, hugging him tightly in the hope that somehow, for that one brief moment, I could shield him from the cares and worries of the outside world.
Kevin's crying gradually grew quieter. I looked down at his now still face, carefree and unlined by worry. My breath caught at the look of contentment in his face, such a contrast to the anguish and torment that had twisted his countenance such a short while ago. I was glad that Kevin was at ease, but deep down, I was feeling a disquieting sense of shame and guilt; some of the things I'd told Kevin made me feel like a hypocrite. If I didn't have the courage to be comfortable with myself, what business did I have telling Kevin the things I just had?
Involuntarily, I leaned down to kiss Kevin's forehead, but drew back with a sharp intake of breath. What the hell was I thinking? Kissing him would open too many doors that I wasn't ready to face. I'd been down that road before, and nothing good had come out of it. Yet every time I tore my eyes away, I found them drifting back to his face, lingering over the stillness of his features, the smooth perfection of his skin, beckoning like a precious jewel just out of reach.
Unable to kiss him, yet unable to tear myself away, I sat there, literally suspended between pain and pleasure. It seemed ironic that Kevin was now content, while I was the one in agony.
I looked out the window into the unanswering night.
"What the hell do I do? What the hell can I do?"
To be continued
Author's note :
That's it for this installment, folks! Hope you liked the way the story developed. I'm working on the third part right now, so feel free to email any comments and stuff!
Ajantis