If I Am
This is it! Alan's finally going to reveal his crush on Kevin to him! I was trying to hold off for a bit longer, but the story developed to the point, where I decided that the tension between Kevin and Alan that's been percolating in the last 16 chapters have to be resolved.
So this is the part where I need feedback from you all. I have a couple of ideas for the story and would really like to continue exploring the relationship between both guys as it develops, but work has been keeping me really busy lately. If there's enough interest, I'll keep working on it. If not, I'll probably write another couple of chapters to take this story to a conclusion, then take a break to catch up on some other personal projects. So, email with feedback, please :) Also, just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories: some of them included "Kevin and Justin" (can't wait for the next posting... hint hint), "Forever"/"Equilibrium" (the last posting was awesome!), and "Route 66 Rocks!"
Email : ajantis20@hotmail.com
DISCLAIMER
This story is completely fictional and is not meant to reflect the actual personalities or sexualities of the Backstreet Boys. If any member of BSB is gay, it's their business. If it's illegal or you're too young to read the story where you're living, please refrain from doing so.
Here goes...
If I Am Chapter 17
"Kev?" I jerked my attention away from the computer screen. "How're you? How did the concert in Caracas go?" Gina was animatedly chattering into the receiver. "Oh, yeah. He's right here. Hold on. Alan, it's for you." Gina grinned and handed over the receiver, which I took with a certain amount of trepidation.
"Hey... how're things?"
"It's pretty good. Venezuela is a blast! Wish we had more time to stay here though..."
I listened to Kevin with mixed feelings. It was good to hear his voice again, which brought back memories of the night we'd spent together on the dunes. At the same time, those very memories cut deep into my heart, reminding me once again that my heart was set on a man whom I was sure was unattainable, for way too many reasons.
That morning, after Kevin had left, I'd driven back to my apartment in a stupor and spent the rest of the day sprawled on my bed while staring into the ceiling. I couldn't believe that I had allowed myself to fall for another guy, no matter how wonderful or caring that man was. And worse still, I'd fallen for Kevin, who was still dealing with the aftermath of coming out to AND breaking up with his wife. Telling Kevin now that I had a crush on him would only complicate the situation. Not to mention the fact that Kevin would never respond to my crush on him. The man had girls and gay guys everywhere who would scream to even be within ten feet of him, for god's sake! And even if somehow, Kevin did reciprocate my feelings for him, there were just too many obstacles in the way. He was a virtual nomad, going where the dictates of his career and tour schedule took him, while I was an academic recluse in Boston. And I didn't even want to think about the hell his management would raise over even the slightest hint that Kevin was in a relationship with another man. No, it just wouldn't work. After having come to that conclusion, I'd resolved to push Kevin out of my head, and politely reject his offer to work on tour the next time we spoke on the phone. The crush would fade, I could go back to my emotionally barren life, and all would be well again.
Deep down, though, there had been a nagging feeling that this was more than just simple infatuation, that what I felt for Kevin was more than a simple matter of lust and hormones. Hearing his voice on the phone each time only confirmed that. The connection between us on the dunes that night had been too pure, too intense for it to be a mere crush. It was hard to believe that only three weeks had passed.
"Alan? Alan? You there?"
Kevin's voice, soft yet rich, brought me back to the present. "Sorry, I got a little distracted. I'm really glad to hear your concerts went so well"
"Yeah, we flubbed a couple of lines here and there, but the fans still lapped it up. Listen, I talked to the guys and they were all gung-ho about the idea of having you work on the tour. So, we were thinking that you could meet up with us when we come back from our Latin America tour at the end of May. That would give you two weeks to adjust to the pace, and we could work out details then?"
I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn't come out.
"Alan? You're still up for this, right?"
It was the trace of dismay in his voice that clinched it for me. I couldn't do anything to hurt or disappoint him.
"Just one question... where am I, a broke graduate student, going to stay in Orlando for those two weeks?"
"That's no problem at all". There was a trace of amusement in his voice. "You'll stay with me."
Gina looked up, puzzled, when she heard the involuntary gasp that escaped from my mouth. I waved at her to continue doing what she'd been doing and got back to the conversation.
"Kevin. Are you sure that's proper?"
"It'll be fine, Alan. Don't worry."
"Okay, I just don't want people to accuse you of fraternizing with the hired help", I joked.
"Ha ha, very funny. So, how does May 22nd sound? That'll give the guys a day to rest after getting back."
"Let me check. Yeah, I should be all done by then."
"And when does school start for you?"
"Early September, so I should be able to stay for most of the Black and Blue tour."
"Great! I'll go ahead and book your ticket for the 22nd then. I'll see you at the airport". There was a brief pause. "Gotta go, Nick's throwing one of his hissy fits at management again... and I need to calm him down. Talk to you soon?"
"Yup, have a good time in Panama and Puerto Rico!"
I put down the receiver and suddenly realized that Gina had an expectant look on her face. I averted my eyes and pretended to be engrossed in the data on my screen, but Gina was not to be deterred.
"Well?"
"Yeah, I took the offer"
"Awesome!" Gina squealed, and rushed over to give me a hug. Realizing that I was less than enthusiastic, she drew back, a concerned look on her face. "What's wrong, Alan?"
I shook myself from my reverie and smiled weakly. "Nothing. You seem to be asking me that a lot, lately."
Gina responded in a very matter-of-fact voice. "That's because you've been giving me cause to ask you that a lot, lately".
I was touched by the concern I saw in her eyes. "I'm fine, Gina." Noticing her doubtful expression, I reasserted, "Really. I'm fine. Let's get back to work on that dataset, or Prof Hackett is gonna kill us". I slapped her butt to accentuate my point and was rewarded with a fierce glare and chuckle. I started typing on the keyboard; the data, at least, was something I could manage and understand. The tumult of emotions in my heart, on the other hand, was a totally different ball game. Something was going to have to give, and I would eventually have to confront my emotions for Kevin, but that was for another day. I lost myself in the endless numbers scrolling by on the screen...
"Hey, Ginny."
"What's up, what's up? Are you all packed for tomorrow? I am picking you up at 8am, right? PLEASE don't tell there's been a change of plans"
"Depends on how you look at it," I joked feebly. "Can I come over? I need to talk."
"Sure."
Minutes later, I was at her door, my thoughts in a complete and utter turmoil.
Gina opened the door, and seeing the troubled expression on my face, quickly pulled me inside and sat me down on the couch. "So, what do you need to talk about?"
"I'm having second thoughts about this."
"Why?"
"Because..." I faltered momentarily, "Because I'm not sure that this is the sensible thing to do..."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I'm doing this just because Kevin asked me to... I know this is a great opportunity and all, but am I doing this for the right reasons? I'm afraid that I'm agreeing to this just to be close to Kevin..." my voice trailed off. Stunned at what I'd just said, I lay down, putting my head in Gina's lap as she stroked my hair.
"I think I know what this is all about... go on..." The warmth in Gina's voice was reassuring, giving me the confidence to forge on.
"When Kevin was here a month ago, we connected in so many ways. And I... I..." The words were stuck in my throat.
There was a hint of resolve in her voice this time. "Alan, you have to say it yourself, I can't do it for you".
My heart was furiously pounding, and with a final heave I forced the words out. "I'm gay, and I think I've fallen for Kevin in a very big way." There. It was out. Someone else now knew about it.
Far from being surprised, Gina simply nodded, and squeezed my shoulder. "And does Kevin know about this?"
"No... how could I even tell him? The man just divorced his wife, for goodness' sake. Besides, what would a star like him ever want with an average Joe like me?" I responded bitterly.
"Is he gay?"
"That's not for me to say..."
"Alright." Gina pondered for a bit, then firmly said, "You have to tell him."
"What? Didn't you hear what I just said? There's no way I can or will ever let him know!" I said emphatically.
"Alan! Listen to me. You have to let him know. I know you too well. You always hide your problems from your friends, and then it just eats away at you, constantly, all the time! If you don't tell him, you'll always be dwelling on it, asking yourself "what if?" all the time!"
"But... but... what if he can't deal with it? I can't stand the thought of losing him as a friend."
"It's clear to me that even if Kevin's not gay, he values your friendship immensely. The man flew down from New York just to catch your performance! You owe it to him to tell him. If you don't, you're not being fair to yourself or to Kevin, and your friendship will never be the same."
Pummeled by the relentless logic of Ginny's words, I finally caved in and cried into Gina's lap for what seemed like forever. Raising my tear-reddened eyes to meet Gina's brown ones, I whispered, "I'm not sure I can do it."
Gina, her eyes filled with affection, put a finger to my lips. "Alan, you're one of the strongest persons I've ever met. If anyone can do it, you can. Now hush. You've been holding in your pain for too long." Gina held me close, lending me her strength as I kept on sobbing.
Gina was right. She usually was. Somehow, somewhere, I would find the strength to tell Kevin, and to hell with the consequences.
Chapter 18
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. We are now commencing the final descent down to Orlando airport, so please buckle up your seat belts and return trays and seat backs to their starting positions. The temperature at ground level is a nice eighty degrees Fahrenheit, and the forecast is for one heck of a nice and sunny day. It was a pleasure flying with you on American Airlines and we hope to see you again. Flight attendants, please prepare for landing."
I looked out the window at the bustling metropolis below me. Kevin was down there somewhere. My mind went through its by-now familiar litany of doubts and objections. The very thought of losing Kevin's friendship sent a chill through my soul. Engrossed in self-doubt and recrimination, I barely noticed the gentle bump of the plane when it landed.
I walked out into the arrival hall and scanned the crowd, both fervently eager and yet desperately afraid to see Kevin's familiar face.
"Alan!"
I spun around, only to be immediately engulfed by Kevin's strong arms. He was almost unrecognizable, dressed in very ordinary, non-descript clothing. A ski cap hid his brown hair while a pair of sunglasses shielded those intense emerald eyes from view. One could have easily mistaken him for just another twenty-something in that getup.
"How are ya? It's good to have you here at last!" Kevin had a big goofy grin on his face, but I barely noticed. Being in his presence was intoxicating ... deep down, I longed to simply melt into his embrace, but I couldn't. There were too many worries, too many concerns in the way. So I simply stood there, quivering with suppressed desire, too distracted to respond.
"Alan?"
Kevin's voice brought me back to reality. "Yeah, sorry. Just a little jet- lagged, I guess."
"Do you want to go back and rest first? I was thinking of bringing you round to meet the rest of the company, but that can wait if you're exhausted." Kevin's voice was concerned.
"No, no. I'll be fine, and I really want to meet the people that I'll be spending the next four months with." I forced a smile to reassure Kevin, hoping that my expression didn't betray how conflicted I truly felt inside.
The two of us indulged in idle chitchat as we took Kevin's truck down to Kevin's place, but I was distracted most of the time, trying to avoid looking into his eyes. My state of distraction, however, didn't quite stop me from noticing AJ's mansion when we got there.
"Holy cow! That's AJ's place?"
Kevin turned, his face amused. "Yeah, why?"
"This isn't a house, man, it's a freakin' MANSION! I mean, I've seen pictures of it before, but I never imagined it would be this... this... ginormous! Palatial doesn't even begin to describe this... this ... monstrosity!"
Kevin was chuckling quite loudly now, and I rounded on him, annoyed. "What're you laughing at?"
"Two things. First, never let AJ hear you call his baby a monstrosity, cos he'll hurt you. And second, your expression right now is pretty darn funny!" Kevin broke out into full-bellied laughter, which was so infectious that I couldn't help but join in. For that one brief instant, I was able to simply enjoy the moment with Kevin.
We stepped into AJ's mansion (I refused to call it anything but that, since calling it a house didn't really do it justice). The inside of the place was every bit as luxurious and opulent as the outside; white marble, chandeliers, frescoed ceilings... the works. My eyes widened till they felt ready to pop, but Kevin nonchalantly walked in and called out, "hey guys, look who's here!"
"Alan!" Nick came barreling from round the corner and tackled me.
"Oof! Watch it, Nicky, or you'll break these old bones of mine!"
Nick grinned and stepped back. "Just so long as you're ready to let me thrash you on the Playstation this time! I've been practicing."
"Yo yo yo, what's up?" AJ came into the room, quickly followed by Brian, Howie and a couple of unfamiliar faces.
After the initial pleasantries, we adjourned to AJ's living room (which could easily have fit my entire apartment in it and then some), and Kevin immediately took charge of the meeting.
"First off, let me introduce Alan, our new personal and music assistant. Sorry for the clumsy title, but we couldn't think of anything better."
"I'll manage... somehow", I replied theatrically and adopted a martyred expression, eliciting chuckles from Nick and AJ and earning a look of exasperation from Kevin.
"Anyway, Alan, you already know the guys, and Todd, our security guard, couldn't make it today. This," he gestured to a middle-aged man sitting on the couch, "is Joe. You've already met him once. He's our tour manager, and he's basically the guy who handles all the logistics and ensures that nothing cocks up too much on tour. That way, I don't get too stressed out when things go wrong." Kevin smiled as he poked fun at himself.
Joe nodded. He seemed a quiet kind of guy, and looked to be in his late forties, dressed in solid, earthy, workman-like clothes. Watching him as he sat stolidly between Nick and AJ made for a very interesting comparison in clothing styles and personalities.
"And this", Kevin said as he pointed to a blond-haired woman who looked to be in her early thirties, "is Kristin, who is our techie person. She's oversees both sound and light during our concerts."
Nick, who was fidgeting endlessly, was distracting me. A Rubik's cube caught his attention and he began playing with it. A gleam of irritation came into Kevin's eyes as Nicky grew increasingly engrossed with the cube. I covered my mouth to cover my smile. I'd read about how Kevin often got annoyed by Nick's inability to pay attention during meetings or interviews with journalists, but it was still amusing to see it in person, and glimpse how it unsettled the usually unflappable Kevin Scott Richardson.
"Finally", Kevin turned to face a gaudily dressed man in his late twenties, "is Joshua, and he's our choreographer for the tour". I bit my lip from smiling too obviously. I didn't need gaydar to know which side of the fence Joshua leaned on. He was super-tanned, had bleached-blonde hair and looked like he went to the gym almost every hour. That, along with the way he shamelessly flirted with Howie and AJ, kind of clued me in. All the guys seemed really cool with him, though, which I thought was a good sign that they were so accepting.
"Technically, Joe'll be your boss, but in truth, you'll really be spending more time with us. The idea is that you'll be listening to us, and then liaising with Kristin, Joe and Josh here to try and figure out where any sound or music glitches might be coming from. Do you think you could handle that?"
"Well", I began doubtfully, "I've had experience recording and mixing sound for Decaphonics concerts before, but I'm not so sure about the dancing part?"
"Don't worry, all you need to tell us if the dance movements are affecting our sounds on stage, and let Josh know. He'll take care of it on his end." Joshua nodded and smiled, as if to reassure me.
"Alright, I guess all I can do is try my best. Hope I don't disappoint you guys too much."
"Damn right! Now that the meeting's over, let's get down to more serious things!" AJ picked up a Playstation 2 controller off the floor and grinned. "How about a rematch, Alan?"
"So, what do you want to eat tonight?"
"Wha...? Sorry I got distracted." I turned from my perusal of suburban Orlando to glance at Kevin. He had finally managed to extricate me from Nick and AJ, who were hellbent on getting just one more game in with me, and we were now driving to his place.
"Well, I was wondering what you wanted to eat tonight... I was thinking of whipping up something at home, but didn't know what you liked."
"My my, Kevin Richardson, the world-renowned Backstreet Boy, is a man of many talents, I see. What else do you do in your spare time, rescue stranded cats from tall trees and escort old ladies with walkers across the road?" I grinned at Kevin to take away the sting of the sarcasm. Honestly speaking, I was seriously dreading the inevitable moment when I would have to tell him, but joking with Kevin let me forget momentarily about it and just soak in his presence.
Kevin punched me in the shoulder. "Seriously, you idiot, what do you want?"
"How about Asian or Italian?"
"You've been reading the website, I see", Kevin drawled sardonically.
"Hey, can I help it if your favorite cuisines are mine too?" I looked at him innocently.
Kevin laughed. "Alright alright, sushi it is then".
We pulled up to Kevin's house. While it didn't scream with extravagance the way AJ's "mansion" did, it was still a fairly large-sized place. The tasteful décor was a mix of Eastern and Medieval Renaissance influences, and hinted at the effort that Kevin had put into decorating the place. At the same time, there were tons of personal effects strewn about the house... a photo here, a keepsake there, which gave the place a very homey and lived-in feel.
"Nice...", I said admiringly.
"I try", Kevin adopted a mock-humble expression on his face, but he was clearly delighted at the chance to show someone around his pad. "Come on, let's take a look at the basement."
Kevin's basement was filled up by a grand piano, several guitars, and assorted mikes and recording equipment. "I come here to relax and write songs sometimes."
"Are you working on anything right now?"
"Yeah, a few, although they're not quite ready yet and I haven't had the time to finish them. Come on, let's get you settled in one of the guest rooms."
After making sure that the room was satisfactory, Kevin hustled off to get dinner ready. I sat down on the bed, pondering how I was going to bring myself to tell Kevin about my feelings for him. The steely resolve from the night before had completely dissolved, leaving behind only dread and a fearful anticipation. Being in Kevin's presence only reminded me of how wonderful a person he was, and how much it would hurt to not be friends anymore. Was honesty truly worth the price of his friendship?
I started unpacking, and noticed that a package had been slipped into my luggage. Curious, I opened it up to find a stuffed polka-dotted cow and an attached card, which said:
"Alan,
you've probably just gotten off the plane. I know it might seem next to impossible to tell Kevin that you love him, but I have faith in you. Here's Dee to give you courage, and to let you know that I'm always here for you if you need me. Tell Kevin. You need to do this, and he needs you to do this.
Love,
G"
My eyes got misty as I read Gina's words. Dee had been her favorite toy since childhood... it was the last thing her mother had made for her before succumbing to leukemia, and now Gina had given it to me. I sat there for a long time, touched by her gesture. There was no way I could give in and take the coward's way out. I HAD to tell Kevin before the night was over.
"Alan? Dinner's ready!"
"Be right there!"
I walked into the dining room and was instantly hit by a melange of mouth- watering smells. Kevin hadn't stopped at making sushi. He'd cooked some katsu (pork cutlets) and Japanese curry chicken as well.
"Come on, tuck in before the food gets cold!" Kevin unwrapped the apron from around his waist and gestured to the table, where a sumptuous repast awaited. The lights were dimmed and candles had been set out on the table. I sat down and suddenly realized how hungry I was.
After savoring the tangy taste of the curry chicken, I quickly wolfed down a couple more bites. Kevin really did know what he was doing when it came to cooking. "Kevin... this is pretty good!"
Kevin laughed. "Slow down, Alan, the food's not going anywhere".
"Where did you learn to cook like this?"
He shrugged nonchalantly and grinned. "Oh, I picked up a few things here and there".
I groaned. "Where were you five years ago? I spent my entire freshman year subsisting on little more than ramen and ham sandwiches"
"Probably in Germany, touring my butt off".
"Did you ever miss home while you were there all those years?"
"All the time. There's just something about home, ya know?"
"So where do you consider your home, Lexington or Orlando?"
"Both. I'll always have a soft spot for Kentucky, since that's where I grew up and where my family is, but here is where my life is now, and I could never give up the biz".
"That's good."
With the conversation lapsed, we continued eating in silence for a while. I began looking for anything to fill up the gaps in our conversations, all too aware that eventually I would have to come out to Kevin. I had Dee tucked in under my chair to give me courage, but the moment just didn't seem right for me to tell him just yet.
"Kevin?"
"Yeah?"
"Whatcha thinking?"
"Hmmm... I guess I was thinking about the strange way we met..."
"So long as we never meet that way again. I don't think my body would like being rammed by a car anytime in the near future", I feebly joked in an attempt to cover my unease.
"Well, either way, I'm just really glad we met."
I looked up from my plate to stare speechlessly into Kevin's sparkling green eyes.
"You've really helped me through a lot of rough spots this past couple of months."
I protested, "Kevin, I didn't really do that much...", but Kevin quickly went on.
"No, seriously, you were there when I really needed someone to talk to. I can't begin to thank you enough for all the times when I've called you late at night in the past month to gripe about management or even for just a late-night chat."
I was seriously embarrassed now, but Kevin's intense expression kept me locked in my seat. What was Kevin saying? Where was this going?
"I've been trying to think of some way to thank you, and then I remembered that song you sang to me that night on the dunes near Provincetown". Kevin reached below his seat and picked a CD up, which he slid across the table to me.
It was a copy of "Rites of Passage" by the Indigo Girls, but I didn't really see what was so special about it till I opened the case. Someone had scribbled on the CD jacket.
"To Alan,
hope your life finds wings to fly
and your soul finds its light,
Amy"
I looked up in shocked disbelief in Alan, who smiled and reached across to take my hand. "Keep reading, there's more."
"Dear Alan,
it's always wonderful to hear how our songs touch other people's lives. Break free of your inhibitions, and always live life to the fullest. Never be afraid of moving on.
Love,
Ray"
"How did you do this?" I whispered in a hushed voice.
"I rang them up and asked for a favor. Turns out they were performing near where the BSB tour was a couple of weeks ago, so I ran the CD down there and got them to sign it… do you like it?"
"Oh my god… Kevin… this is so wonderful. I can't believe you did this."
"It's nothing. I really wanted to let you know how much I appreciated you being there for me."
It was too much. Touched by Kevin's gift, I couldn't hold in the guilt and turmoil anymore. My eyes began to well up with tears. I let go of Kevin's hand and averted my face so that he couldn't see me cry.
"Alan?" Kevin's voice sounded worried.
In a shaky tone, I replied, "Kevin, let's move to the couch, I have something to tell you". Taking a deep breath in a futile attempt to compose myself, I took Dee and sat beside Kevin.
I buried my face in the stuffed cow and refused to look at Kevin, afraid that once I stared into that beautiful face of his, I would lose all courage to forge on. "Sorry, Gina gave Dee to me for courage."
"What did you need to tell me, Alan?"
"Kevin…", I replied in a tremulous voice, "don't say anything, okay, and just listen. This is really hard for me. There's something I've been hiding from you, and it's something you need to know before I go on tour with you guys." I steeled myself. My heart was thumping, and it felt like I could hear the blood roaring in my head, but this was what needed to be done, regardless of the consequences.
"I'm gay, and I think I've fallen for you in a very big way". There. It was out.
A sharp intake of breath. Then utter silence.
I looked up tentatively; a little piece of my heart shriveled up and died when I saw Kevin's face, devoid of expression and pale-white with shock. We sat there, both unmoving, both unresponsive, for what seemed like an eternity.
Then Kevin opened his mouth. In a flat voice, he asked, "What time does Todd finish showing you around the set tomorrow?"
Surprised by the question, I stammered, "Probably around 5 or 6 in the evening".
Kevin replied in that same monotone voice. "Okay, I'll be busy till then. How about I meet you at the Starbucks near where BSB is meeting tomorrow? We can talk then…"
"Okay".
"This is all so sudden… I'm sorry I can't give you a response right away, but there's so much going on right now…" For a moment, his façade broke, but I was unable to decipher the myriad number of emotions that flashed across his face in that brief instant. "We should get to bed. You have a long day tomorrow."
This felt unreal. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The whole thing felt like an out-of-body experience. Was this the man who, minutes before, had been so jovial and animated?
He got up and gave me a hug. But this hug was different… less expressive, more perfunctory. Kevin was stiff and unfriendly, and it seemed like a huge gulf had just opened up between us. My heart literally shattered into a million pieces.
"Good night." There was a sense of finality in his words. He went to his room, and without a further word, closed the door.
Stunned by what had just transpired, I sat there dumbfounded for quite sometime, before mustering the energy to shuffle, zombie-like, back to my room. In the privacy and safety of the bedroom, the dam finally burst. Grief. Sorrow. Anguish. All these emotions were my companions as I sank into the covers, heaving great big sobs, wracked with sadness and a great sense of regret for what it seemed like I had lost and what I would never have. Kevin.
I held Dee close to my heart, hoping that somehow, he could salve the reopened wounds in my heart and soul, and slowly, quietly, cried myself to sleep.
To be continued,
That's it for this round. Remember, your feedback will determine how the next set of chapters plays out! So email email email :P
Ajantis.