If I Am
Thanks for all the responses! The good news is that thanks to all the enthusiastic feedback, I've decided to continue on with this story. The bad news is that after this instalment, I'm going to take a short break to try and figure out exactly where the next arc of this story will go. You know, think about how the relationship between Kevin and Alan works and how it will develop. So, these two chapters are aimed at achieving a kind of resolution that will also kinda set out how the story will move on from here. As usual, feedback is always MUCH appreciated.
Also, just wanted to give a shout out to some really good stories: some of them included "Kevin and Justin" (can't wait for the next posting... hint hint), "Forever"/"Equilibrium" (the last posting was awesome!), and "Route 66 Rocks!" (don't let it end!)
Email : ajantis20@hotmail.com
PS DJ, there's a little bit more of Howie in this one. Satisfied?
Here goes...
Chapter 19
I woke up to find myself staring at unfamiliar beige walls. Where was I? Turning to my side, I saw a stuffed polka-dotted cow. Dee. The memories of the previous night came flooding back... the pain and heartache was so intense that it felt like a blow to the gut, leaving me momentarily winded and breathless.
A door slammed. The sound of a truck pulling out of the driveway.
I slowly dragged myself up and peeked into the deserted kitchen room. There was a note on the kitchen counter.
"Alan,
I had to leave for a meeting about the tour. Breakfast is in the fridge. Todd will be by to pick you up at 11 and show you around. See you tonight.
K"
The curt, perfunctory note didn't help my dismal mood any. I wanted to tear out my hair and beat at the walls in sheer frustration. What was Kevin thinking? If he didn't feel anything for me, why was he still engaging in this charade? What did the note mean? Why not just reject me right off? Instead, he'd left me alone to stew in my own juices till tonight.
An hour, a tasteless breakfast, and a hurried shower later, there was a knock on the door. It was Todd, dressed in the kind of pressed, black and white suit that one saw on faceless security guards and secret service agents on TV. Which is why it seemed so incongruous that he was smiling like a kid who'd just successfully sneaked something from the cookie jar.
"Ready to go?"
I glared at him suspiciously. At this point in time, a jovial, "morning"-type person was the last thing I needed. "Sure, give me ten minutes."
"Okay, I'll be in the car." He smiled cheerfully and left.
I quickly got dressed and got into the car. Todd attempted to engage in merry banter, but my thoughts were too chaotic and jumbled to really coherently respond, so he soon gave up and left me to stare forlornly out the window.
We reached the place where the tour equipment was stored and were quickly swept into the whirlwind of activities. It turned out that Joe and company were setting up the stage for a dry run and technical run through. I was kept busy assimilating the overload of information as I talked with Kristin, Joe and Josh about all the technical aspects and logistics of the concert. In a way, that was good, because it kept me from dwelling too much on Kevin.
All of a sudden, it was two in the afternoon, and Joe called for a break. Todd came in with meatball subs from the local Subways, but despite the dismal breakfast, I had little appetite and listlessly picked at my food. Now that the frantic pace of rehearsal had abated, I found my thoughts returning to Kevin. What had he been thinking last night? What would he say tonight? My mind was literally caught in an ouroboros, constantly turning Kevin's words from last night over and over in my thoughts, but unable to make head or tails out of what he had said.
Which is why I was glad that Todd decided to be his usual friendly self and once again attempt to strike up a conversation.
"So, you need anything else?"
"Nah..." I smiled wanly. "Todd? How long have you been with the Backstreet Boys?"
"Shortly before they made it big in Germany. Since '95." He laughed and wryly shook his head. "Seems like such a long time ago."
"In showbiz terms, I guess six years is a long time ago. What were they like then?"
"Then?" Todd looked to the side, a distant look of recollection in his hazel-brown eyes. "Much more... innocent, I guess. The whole thing with Lou and having to deal with the media when they finally made it big in the US really forced them to them grow up. Especially Howie and Kevin".
"Howie? I thought he was the playful type?"
"Yeah, I know the media always makes Kevin out to the big brother of the group, but Howie was solid as a rock. He really got the guys through some tough times, especially when Kevin couldn't handle the stress by himself."
"Care to elaborate?"
Todd looked a little uncomfortable. "Well, I don't want to get into too much detail, but the boys were constantly away from home touring in Europe, and the public spotlight wasn't exactly kind to them when they first started performing as a group. You should have seen how upset Nicky and Brian were after some fans started putting up websites bashing their girlfriends. There have also been intermittent rumors that one of the Backstreet Boys is bi, but the Firm quickly steps in to quash that." A short pause. "That's why the guys are so close to each other. They've had to put up defenses to prevent themselves from getting hurt again. That makes it very hard for them to open up to people right off the bat. It takes a very long time for one of the guys to start trusting someone. Especially Kevin."
My curiosity was piqued. Maybe Todd could help me understand why Kevin had acted the way he did last night. "Why Kevin?"
"Kevin's a naturally shy and retiring person. He's only extroverted when he's with close friends. That, and he sees himself as responsible for the group, so he drives himself much, much harder than he does the rest of the guys. Some times, he's so focused on his work that he doesn't notice what's before his very own eyes. You know what I mean?"
Joe called Todd over, who excused himself for a bit. Todd's comments had thrown light on a part of Kevin that I had never really quite glimpsed. It still didn't help me understand Kevin's actions from last night, but it was certainly food for thought. I mulled over it for a bit till a commotion from the other end of the room broke my flow of thoughts.
The guys had arrived to familiarize themselves with the sets while the tech crew was doing a dry run. I frowned. Kevin wasn't there. Was he avoiding me? Before I could ask AJ or Brian where he was, though, Josh corralled and hustled the four remaining Boys to run through their moves on stage.
I sat meekly in the seats and waited for the full technical run through to begin. Although Josh drove the guys pretty hard, he only made them run through a couple of songs as a warm-up. It was pretty amusing, though, the way he would admonish the guys by snapping his fingers at them, and even funnier still, the way in which AJ and Nicky hung their heads in shame while being chided by Josh.
I looked around the stage. While not all the technical wizardry and special effects were being utilized for this run-through, the whole effect was still pretty amazing. Joe had shown me some of the crazier gizmos, including a moving platform that would bring the guys right up to the audience and some really rad lasers and pyrotechnics. I was tempted to pinch myself to make sure this wasn't some demented, crazy dream that I was in. The whole experience thus far, including the previous night with Kevin, had been totally surreal.
"Alan!"
"AJ!"
We high-fived and hugged. "How've you been?"
"Not bad, man." He sat down and took off his sunglasses, revealing a pair of very tired eyes. "Actually, I'm dead-exhausted. The tour was fun, and we partied like no tomorrow, but shit, one day isn't enough to recover from all that! And now we have to come in again. I'm just glad we don't have to leave for another two weeks."
I clasped his shoulder in sympathy. "I won't even pretend to understand how exhausted you must be, but all I can say is, you've gotten through rough patches like this before, and you'll get through this one just the same."
"Yeah, I guess I will."
I gathered up my courage and asked the question that I'd been brooding over for a while. "So, where's Kevin?"
"Oh, he's been meeting up with the management, trying to hammer down all the trip details. You know Kevin, he gets totally antsy unless he's sure that everything's settled".
AJ then turned to me and smiled wickedly. "So what's this I hear about you calling my pad a monstrosity?"
"Uh..." I backed away. "Now AJ, don't get mad. I was just totally awed by your place, that's all".
AJ's grin grew even broader and he cracked his knuckles. "I don't know, that isn't how you described it to Nicky last night. The words "tacky" and "obscenely gaudy" seem to come to mind."
"Now, now, AJ, let's not jump to conclusions here."
"Sorry, Alan, you're a friend and all, but no one insults my place and gets away with it. I figure a noogie or two will even things out" AJ looked like he was about to pounce, but salvation came from the unlikeliest of places.
Josh tapped AJ on the shoulder. "Hun, sorry to disturb your playtime, but we should get rehearsing again. Those moves of yours on "Shining Star" were really bad. Any guy could tell you were straight by the way you danced on stage. So chop chop, I'll see on stage in two minutes".
After Josh left, AJ groaned, "Josh has the worst timing in the world. I'll get you later after this."
It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. I couldn't resist giving AJ a jibe as he left. "You should hurry, dear, can't keep Josh darling waiting now, can we?" If looks could kill, AJ's glare at that point would have left me decapitated, mangled and shish-kebabbed into a thousand pieces.
I settled down to watch the fun as Josh continued to whip the guys into shape, but bolted upright when shortly thereafter, Kevin walked onto stage and joined in. The sight of his face, so full of warmth the previous night, now seemed impassive and detached. It almost seemed like Kevin had slammed down an iron wall over the windows to his soul, and all that was left behind was a cold, unfeeling exterior. My thoughts began to darken again, and the cheerful mood brought about by AJ's banter evaporated and fled. I scrutinized Kevin closely, hoping that somehow I could divine from his expressions and gestures what he was thinking, what he was feeling right now. Unsuccessful, I began to replay the events of the previous night in my head, reliving the shame and anguish as I tried to find some way out of my nightmarish predicament.
"Hey, stranger. Penny for your thoughts?"
Surprised, I looked up. Howie had taken the seat next to mine. Lost in my thoughts, I hadn't noticed the end of rehearsal.
"Oh, nothing. Just thinking about stuff."
"Anything wrong? You look kinda down."
I was a little surprised. I hadn't expected him to ask such a fairly intimate question, since Howie was the one Backstreet Boy that I was the least familiar and comfortable with.
"No offense, Howie, but I'm not sure you would understand."
"Try me. I might surprise you."
I glanced over at Howie, who seemed genuinely concerned, and decided to take a gamble. After all, how could things get any worse?
"Do you ever believe in the idea of soulmates? That out there somewhere is a person who's just right for you, who will make your life complete?"
"Yeah. If you put it that way, I guess."
I smiled wryly, and the words came tumbling out. "Well, Howie, that's the problem. I think I might have found mine, but I'm not sure if he feels the same way. In fact, I'm thinking that right now, he might just want to tear my guts out."
Howie's eyes widened as he absorbed the implications of what I'd just said. Then he laid a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Alan, I won't pry. It's up to you to tell me who that person is when you're ready. All I can tell you is to have faith. If you truly believe that you've found your soulmate, then you will end up with him, whoever that person is. Just give it some time." He looked pensive, as if he was considering what to say next. "Sometimes, people build up personal defenses, you know? Makes it harder for them to get hurt. You just have to trust your judgment and wait for that person to open up and come to terms with what is already in his heart."
I glanced over, touched by the sincerity in his voice. "Thanks, Howie".
"Don't mention it." He glanced up and chuckled. Josh was gesturing frantically from the stage. "Gotta go, Josh can get hysterical if we don't stick to the schedule".
The full technical run-through began. The rehearsal was grueling, and pretty soon the guys were all drenched with sweat. Ordinarily, I would have been more than happy to watch five gorgeous guys get physical and sweaty on stage, but instead, I walled away my doubts, my fears, and my guilt, and concentrated on doing my job, conferring with Joe, Kristin and Josh whenever the run-through ran into problems. Being professional. Analyzing. Watching. Critiquing. Never feeling. I couldn't afford to do so.
A couple of hours later, the rehearsal finally ended. The guys climbed off the stage, exhausted. Kevin glanced at me ever so briefly, and I felt a shock as our eyes met. Those green eyes of his were hard and brittle as agates, but something inscrutable and undecipherable flashed across his face for that brief instant. He pointed to his watch and mouthed the word "six". I averted my eyes, unable to bear the lack of emotion in his face. By the time I had looked up again, Kevin had left the room.
I waved to the other guys, but politely declined their invitations to go out to dinner. It was five, and I needed to collect my thoughts before meeting Kevin. Walking out into the brisk summer air, I looked up at the azure blue sky and let my thoughts drift as I wandered through the streets.
"Welcome to Starbucks. What would you like this evening?"
"Give me a hot chocolate, please."
"Here you are, sir. That'll be three ninety-five."
I took the cup and held it by both hands in a futile attempt to calm my suddenly trembling hands. The clock over the counter said six ten. Would he even come?
"Alan."
I spun around. There he was.
"Hey."
"Shall we take a walk?" My fear eased a little. A little of the warmth and feeling had returned to his voice. His face, however, was still impassive, and betrayed no hint of his thoughts or emotions.
"Sure."
We strolled out into the darkening street. The setting sun painted everything a dusky red, and the ever-lengthening shadows lent a dreamlike quality to the landscape. I held the cup and slowly sipped, unsure of what to say next.
"Alan?"
I kept quiet.
"First of all, I just wanted to tell you that I've been a complete idiot..."
I froze and stopped breathing for an instant. What was Kevin saying?
"...because I've had a crush on you for the past three months."
Chapter 20
We turned into a deserted park, and I took the chance to sit on a bench to try and ingest some of what Kevin had just said.
"I'm sorry, Alan. I've had feelings for you ever since we first met."
"Why didn't you tell me? Even better, why didn't you tell me last night?", I gasped incredulously, mouth agape.
"Because I was scared shitless. Breaking up with Kari took everything I had. I wasn't ready to open my heart again... when you told me last night, I just panicked and stalled for time. I needed to sort out my feelings and figure out where I really stood. Where we really stood. Then I saw you sitting there alone at rehearsal this afternoon and realized how much of an idiot I'd been to try and deny my own feelings. I won't make any excuses for the way I acted... and... and I'll understand if you're angry or don't want to see me anymore."
I rounded on Kevin, about to lash back with an angry retort, but stopped short when I saw him. Kevin's eyes, cold and harsh only such a short while ago, now betrayed a naked vulnerability. His shoulders were hunched, and he was trembling, almost afraid. My anger melted away, and I cupped his chin and turned it around to stare into his eyes. With as much affection as I could muster, I replied, "You silly boy. Of course I'm annoyed with you..." His eyes flinched in pain. "...for even thinking that I'd given up on you!", I grinned as I pinched his cheek.
His expression was incredulous for a moment, then gave way to a mixture of joy and relief. Affection flooded into his eyes and he broke into a big smile. We hugged each other, rendered wordless by the sheer intensity of what we were feeling.
"Kevin?"
"Yes?"
"I'm really tired. It's been a fairly long and draining day". I winked at him.
"Alright. What say we pick up some Chinese take-out on the way, then crash on the couch and watch HBO?"
"Sure."
"Let's go home, Alan."
"That sounds good. Let's go home, Kevin."
We sat on the couch, picking at the leftovers of the Kung Pao chicken and curried beef.
"Mmm... That was good." I smacked my lips in pleasure to emphasis my point.
Kevin laughed. "You eat like a pig! Didn't your mother ever teach you table manners?"
I whacked him playfully in response. "Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Richardson. You weren't exactly all that graceful yourself when you were wolfing down the beef."
Kevin raised his hands in a gesture of surrender. "Alright, truce, truce! Let's see what's on TV, okay?"
The opening sequences to "The Shawshank Redemption" came on. We quickly cleared the dishes and settled on the couch to catch the movie. Before long, I felt Kevin's warm hand covering mine and looked over at him. His eyes were brimming over with affection, and he gave me a shy smile in return.
We sat that way for what seemed like ages, clasping hands and reveling in the sheer joy of simple physical contact. Two emotionally scarred guys, learning how to open up and trust again. A matched pair. Soulmates?
I slowly shifted my weight and leaned over into Kevin's chest. There was a soft gasp, then I felt Kevin's arm slowly coil about my shoulder and hold me close. A warm feeling of contentment slowly blossomed in my chest, chasing the last dregs of anguish away. Feeling secure, I snuggled closer against Kevin and laid a hand on his chest, luxuriating in his solid, protective presence.
We sat there in silence, holding one another. The movie ended and Kevin turned the TV off.
"I've been meaning to watch that movie for a while."
"That's the first time I've seen it."
"You've got to be kidding me, you've never seen Shawshank?"
"Nope. Glad that I got to watch it with you though." I looked up to see Kevin's eyes, which were brimming with affection.
"And I'm glad you were here to watch it with me".
He leaned forward. Our lips touched. The world faded around us as we kissed. The feel of his lips against mine was electrifying. Slowly, tentatively, our tongues touched and began exploring. I felt Kevin's hand begin to slide down my back, and I moaned softly in pleasure as I caressed his neck. Kevin shivered and began to reach under my shirt. Then he pulled away.
"Kevin, what's wrong?"
"Nothing. In fact, everything's going too well. Alan..." He took my hands in his and held them to his chest. "I really think we should take this slow. This is new for both of us, and what we have here...", he caressed my cheek as he said gently, "is too good to ruin, you know? I really want our first time to be special". Kevin then smiled impishly. "And if we'd gone on any further, I don't think I could have stopped myself."
With a great deal of effort, I nodded, albeit reluctantly. "You're right, Kevin".
"Call me Kev."
I smiled. "I agree with you, Kev We should take this slow. But that doesn't mean we can't cuddle, right?"
Kevin grinned and held me close.
"Or be physically playful?" I grinned as I tweaked his nipple.
Kevin shuddered, then bonked me on the head. "That was naughty! You're such a slut!"
I gave him a defiant grin. "So? Whatcha gonna do about it?"
One massive tickle fight later, we were collapsed on Kevin's bed, and I was slowly caressing Kevin's chest as I lay on top of him.
"So what other nicknames do the guys have for you?"
"Well, there's "Mr.Body Beautiful", which you already know, and then there's "Train"..."
"Wait. How did that one come about?"
"Well, it's kind of embarrassing."
"Spill the beans, Mr.Richardson."
"Okay. The first time we were performing in West Germany, I ended up boarding the wrong train and got so totally lost that I ended up across the border in East Germany. After that, anytime I got too worked up about the other guys goofing off and became too harsh a disciplinarian, they yelled "train" to remind me that even I goof up sometimes. After a while, everyone just got used to calling me "Train"..."
"Hee hee. That's a good one. Any others?"
"Alright, my turn. What's the one thing you hate to eat the most?"
"Broccoli."
"No way."
"I'm not kidding. Those things look leprous. NEVER, ever bring one near me or I'll be forced to beat you silly."
"Point taken. Note to self, never bring broccoli near Alan. Could cause temper tantrums."
I slapped his chest in pique. "You're silly."
"Ow. You throw a mean slap." Kevin broke into a grin and nuzzled my cheek.
We lay there in silence for a while longer.
"Kev?"
"Yeah?"
"So how does this work?"
"You mean us?"
"I mean us. On tour. In front of the entire guys. In front of people like Todd. Like Kristin. And management."
Kevin looked into my eyes, and whispered. "Al, let's just take things one step at a time, okay? It took us long enough to find each other."
"Sorry. I guess I'm just the type of person who needs to plan ahead, who needs to know how things are going to turn out four months down the road. I don't commit myself easily, and it'd be nice to know that I'm not putting time and energy into something that isn't going to last."
Kevin squeezed me tightly in response. "Al, I know. I'm that way too. And we will figure it out somehow, okay? What we have here is too wonderful to throw away, no matter what stands in our way. I promise you that it will last, and that we'll tell some of the guys soon, but right now, I just want to enjoy the moment...Just trust me."
"Okay." I lay on his chest, quietly drawing reassurance and strength from his sturdy presence.
"Kev? I think I should go to my room now."
Kevin shifted from under me and sat up. "Why?"
I got up and kissed him on the cheek. "Because a lot of things have happened tonight. You. Me. Us. I think we need a little time apart tonight to sleep and try to adjust to what's changed. I want to take it slow too, and I want our first night sleeping together should be special. Besides, we have a long day tomorrow, and if we slept in your bed tonight, I'm afraid neither of us would be very awake tomorrow."
Kevin reluctantly conceded the point. "Alright, but you have to kiss me first." He grabbed my waist and we kissed passionately. I giggled as he let me go. "What's so funny?"
I tweaked his goatee. "I didn't quite realize how much facial hair could get up your nose till I met you."
He smacked me on the bottom with a pillow, which elicited a started squawk from my end. "Get going, you tease. Don't make me throw you out."
"Your wish is my command, oh mighty Kevin!" I grinned and was rewarded with a smack on the face from the pillow before I hugged him one more time. On the way out to the door, I turned around. "Kev?"
"Yeah?"
I took the chance to once more fix the image of his wonderful face in my memory.
"Good night, and thank you."
"Thank you, and good night." The beauty of his smile engraved itself on my heart.
I stripped and collapsed on my bed. The whole day had definitely been one roller-coaster experience. Kevin had re-awakened emotions in me that I had discarded and left for dead five months ago. So many things stood in our way, but it didn't matter. On the other side of the wall lay someone whom I cared a great deal about, and who cared very much about me. I felt a sense of completeness, as if someone had found the other piece of my soul. For the first time in months, I drifted off to sleep without the fear that HE would appear in my nightmares.
That night, I dreamed of Kevin instead.
To be continued.
Well, that's it! The end of one story arc. I'm taking a week to plot out the next arc, which will take place during the tour itself. Let me know what you think!
Ajantis