If I could only
Hey guys its me again I now imagine actual regular installmenst , wow huh. The life just started to slow down and has become less hectic givening me times to do other things like write. Ok I don't know the BSB, NSync and Britney spears this story is complete FICTION.
The next day
Leighanne sat in the room that use to be nursery. Now it appeared to be more of a storage room. A part of therapy was to start and move on which meant boxing up sedations things, It was meant to be insteps , box them, put them in storage then eventually if need be get rid of the more impersonal items like baby furniture Keeping only those things with fond memories. The therapist thinking was to help them move n and not live in the past knowing that it would not help them at all. To do so. Leighanne had just finished packing up a few more tings and adding a few more items to the things to keep box. She had just sat down in the rocking chair and picked up one of Sebastion's stuffed bears.
Flash back (Leighanne's POV)
"I feel like a whale, a beached whale at that." I sighed
"Stop it will you , your pregnant and your hormones are just high"
"Oh the compassion is unreal " I snapped
"I would stop teasing her honey or she may hurt you." Joey laughed
"You better be quite or you'll be next" Caleb replied
"You men are all alike"
"All alike I think we are quite different" Joey answered
"A penis is a penis and if you say one word Caleb Sark I will remove yours"
Joey thoughtfully placed his hand over Caleb's mouth " I kind of enjoy that dear so please keep you mouth shut."
"Oh all right" Caleb laughed " So Leighanne what did your doctor say"
"Well to give it two more days and if I don't go into labor he will induce me, being almost a week late, Hopefully Brian will get back. I can't believe they are out of town at this time. Doesn't he love me." I was crying again I am so emotional lately
"Its ok Leighanne, he couldn't help it and Brain is like calling here every couple of hours it driving me nuts. He will be home soon don't worry. Here give me you feet let me rub them for you."
"Oh you are too sweet, thanks for letting me live here while Brian is on the road. I know he feels better with you here to take care of me"
"Well I am not exactly a baby nurse you know"
"Yeah Caleb can't even look at them let alone have to touch one"
Caleb slapped Joey then kissed his cheek. These too were so cheesy at times. Its nice to see them both a little happy . I didn't think it would work out none of us did , but they seemed to be making a go of it despite everything. I still think that Caleb is in love with Lance and its nice to see them acting civil to one another again. Joeys worried though I can tell plus he told me one night while he was feeding one of my strange cravings. He knows Caleb is in love with Lance and even loves AJ, he knows this whole relationship will end soon. That's sad knowing that and not being able to stop it. Joey is an amazing guy he told me "You know Leigh he deserves to be with Lance I now that, I'm just grateful to be able to have him for as long as I do. Won't fight it when they get back together. I want him to be happy and I know Lance make him happy. I am not a fool. I also know that he loves me but not like he does Lance that love is like epic"
Looking at them now is quite unbelievable here they are making googoo eyes at each other laughing and carrying on like a couple of horny teenagers. Just then I could here someone making there way out to the kitchen.
" Joey , you here!"
`Shit Lance is here let the fireworks begin good thing I am sitting down I can barely move anymore so I get a front row seat. I am so bad at times.'
"Why is he here" Caleb hissed
"Play nice Caleb we have some work to do on the movie, I thought you were going to be out today"
"Oh hey Joey..." Lance paused in the doorway " Umm hey Caleb"
"Hello Lance" Caleb's voice was thick and icy at least the open hostility stopped. This might be entertaining. I have become such a drama driven women with these hormones. Its like a soap Opera only I don't have to wait until tomorrow to see what happens next. If I only had some popcorn.
"Sorry, but I just came to go over some details of the movie. We can reschedule Joe, with the weather and all."
"What about the weather" I piped up
"Where have you guys been the hurricane is heading this way"
"What?!"
"Calm down the hurricane is not coming this way. It's supposed to be going out to sea"
"No it changed course early this morning. It should be here in a couple of hours, Its already getting pretty messy out there."
Joey turned on the T.V. and Caleb checked outside to see what it was doing. I was getting nervous I never experienced a hurricane but they were not good. . I don't feel safe especially since I can't move very fast I'm like a beached whale. Lance was nervous as well but I doubt it was the weather causing his tension.
"Come sit by me Lance ,talk to me and tell me what you heard."
"Don't upset her Lance" Caleb barked
"Caleb!" Joey shouted. It was funny watching Joey chastise him. He looked down at the floor like a small child and scuffed his feet. I could hear him sigh softly and walk over to us. `Please no punching please no punching please...'
"I'm... I'm sorry for snapping James, I shouldn't have done that." with that he stuck his hand out waiting for Lance to shake it. I could see Joey in the back looking shocked and defeated at the same time. I thought Lance was going to cry or something. Caleb looked surprised at what he said. And turned to look at Joey. Joey just nodded an he turned back. Lance smiled and shook his hand .
" Sure no problem"
" Joe, its pretty bad out there, but don't worry everything is safe here this house is large and sound. The storm is coming from the east so we should camp out in the den area tonight. Its on the west side and only has one small window, plus there is the fireplace."
"Sounds good Caleb"
"Lance you should stay here , its probably not safe to drive out there."
"But Caleb what if I go into labor"
"Don't worry its not going to happen plus you have three strong men to help you through It"
"Three pussies more like it probably all run at the sight of my pussy. Big bunch of fairies"
"Hey" they all replied in unison
"Joey here has played that other side I'm sure he won't faint" Lance laughed
"Ha ha funny" Joey replied sarcastically " Maybe Lance here can be useful and get you some stuff from the guest house. I would prefer you were up here with us"
"Ok Joey, Lance just grab my bag by the door its already packed for the hospital"
"Ok " with that Lance mad a dash out the back door. I could hear the winds howling and the rain beating against the ground. Caleb went into the garage and started rummaging around. Joey just stayed in the Kitchen with me, "You want to call Brian?"
"I could survive without chatting with him you know"
"You want to call Brian"
"Yeah"
"Ok" he threw me his cell phone "Call away my princess. I'll go help the other two Queens"
I began dialing his number hopefully I wouldn't get the voice mail. Obviously this is not my lucky day
"Hey Brian It's me , I miss you, no news yet we are having a storm here Brian a hurricane is coming this way. I'm alright Caleb and Joey will look after me Oh and Lance is here as well. This should be fun. Talk to you later I miss you." I ended the call and started crying oh god these mood swings are horrible. I feel sorry for Caleb and Joey I must be driving them insane no wonder they don't like women. I have got to stop this crying, Oh my back is killing me I better get up.
"Hey Leighanne is this the bag"
"Yeah Lance, thank god can you help me get up."
"Sure"
"Lance your soaked to the bone you need to get out of those clothes before you get sick"
"I'll be alright, here we go" with that Lance helped me up out of the chair this is so embarrassing at lest my back feels a little better . I might as well get something to eat. Um pickles. I was rummaging through the cabinets. I heard someone sneezing behind me
"Lance I told you to get dry clothes."
"I don't have anything I will just dry out" His nose was running a little, beside I will be fine I had a little tickle this morning in my throat nothing bad"
" Lance man you need to get some dry clothes." Joey laughed
"Its ok" Lance was sniffling looking around for some tissue
"Here take these and come with me I will get you something. you ok Leighanne?"
"Yeah just a little back pain that all."
" Ok, well Caleb is in the den if you need him I will be right back"
"You now Joey I am capable of being alone"
"I know I just want you to know where we are"
"Ok"
The rest of the afternoon was spent getting the den ready Caleb had a couple of air beds set up and the fireplace was stocked really pumping off the heat. The power had gone out as well apparently a power line was down and it was dark out even for being so early Caleb being prepared had a small portable generator and had it hooked up so we had TV local stations anyway. We could watch the weather some emergency candles were glowing I was nervous Brian hadn't called yet and I was worried. My back was killing me it never went away I must have slept wrong last night. Oh this was not going to be a comfortable night. Joey and Caleb were talking animatedly trying to be quiet but obviously up to something. Lance was lying down totally drained that little "tickle" got worse no help with the being standing around drenched either I suppose
"Hey Lance how you doing" "Lance?"
"Lance!"
"Guys something is wrong" Caleb came running over he grabbed Lance.
"James come on what wrong."
"Ughhh" Lance tried to focus Caleb touched his head he was burning up. Joey get me some ice and some Tylenol from the bathroom. He's got a temp.
"On it." Joey went upstairs out of site
"He's going to be ok Caleb"
"I know" somehow he didn't seem sure
"Hey James wake up"
"Uh Caleb" he smiled "Just tired little warm as well" he smiled
"Yeah your going to be ok I need you to take some medication ok"
"yeah"
"Ok just stay awake"
"I love you Caleb" we all paused even Joey who was behind Caleb, the one thing everyone knew but was afraid to say leave it to a high fever to bring it out.
"I love you too James just rest"
"Caleb here's the Tylenol and I found this" he passed Caleb a thermometer and he took Lance's temp.
"Umm 39, he's burring up lets get him cooled down"
"Here" I helped Caleb get Lance cooled down and we moved him away from the fire place. Joey went back in the kitchen wetting some rags . It was just then I felt a urge to go to the bathroom. There was no stopping it just rushed out everywhere. this is bad.
"Umm Caleb"
"What Leighanne"
"Umm I think my water broke"
"What ? Joey!!"
Joey came running in the room. "What? what's wrong is Lance ok"
"Lance will be fine but Leigh's water broke call 911."
"Oh god" his eyes were big and round picking up the phone. I could hear him talking into the phone very quickly he looked shocked I wasn't paying attention cause the back pain was back this time it was worse. Oh my god it wasn't back pain I as having contractions all day .
"Have you been having contractions"
"Umm yeah I thought it was just back pain so I just ignored it"
"Ok here lie down , Joey what did they say "
"Well we have a problem umm they can't the here. There are a lot of wash outs and plus there are some major accident out there. They have the address I told them we had a nurse here she seemed ok said she would try and get someone here s fast as possible. then I lost the connection"
`Oh well"
"Oh my god I need to go the hospital what am I going to-do" " First Calm down. Now lay down and get comfortable. Joey grab me all the clean towels and blankets you can find. Then start the barbeque up."
"Barbeque you going to barbeque and I am in labor!!!" I was grabbing Caleb by the collar he looked scared. I mean come on "God dam it that contraction hurt"
"Leighanne breathe, we have no power so I need the barbeque to boil water"
"I thought they only did that in movies" Joey asked perplexed "Joey I need to sterilize some stuff and boiling it in water helps. Please hurry and get everything ok sweetie"
"Yeah ok"
Off Joey ran Caleb reached for his cell phone and began dialing
"Thank God" I could here him say
"Here Leighanne talk to Brian."
"Leighanne is everything ok how's the storm."
"Oh Brian" I started crying "I'm in labor and there no ambulance coming and Lance is burning up with a fever."
"Calm down sweetie"
"Calm down you calm down, Oh god!!! I will never let you touch me again" Oh that contraction was the worst. "Leigh breath" I could here Caleb and Brian say
"You try and breath with a basket ball trying to come out of your penis"
"Ow I felt that . Here Caleb some towels an blankets."
"ok Leighanne you are pretty well dilated and effaced its not going to be much longer."
"Oh Brian the baby coming."
Breath with the contraction Leigh o.k. breathe" Brian was saying over the phone. I could hear the guys I the background asking what's going on.
"Oh god this hurts" contraction again
"Breathe Leighanne, Breathe." Caleb and Brian were shouting
"Joey check the water and sterilize the scissors and then get me some twine from the kitchen drawer. Ok Leigh it looks good I can see the head on the next contraction you need to push."
"I'm tired"
"Keep going ok" Caleb coached "I love you baby Brian way crying into the phone"
"Oh Brian I want you here"
"Here Caleb."
"What happed to your hand."
" I burnt it on the water"
"Oh you hopeless" he smiled get me the turkey baster
"Oh my God what do you think your cooking"
"Relax Leighanne"
"Ok be right back" Joey was running around like crazy
" Oh my god"
"that's It Leigh push, push, push."
"Push baby come on push "
"Ok breathe Leighanne"
"The head is out"
"O.K. sweetie it's good"
"Here Caleb" Caleb did something with the turkey baster and then said ok Leigh one more good push come on" I felt the contraction I could hear Brian yelling push and Caleb and Joey yelling the same thing.
"I pushed oh good I pushed so hard I thought it was not going to happen. " That's it" I heard Caleb say "Yes that's it, Joey give me the scissors and twine"
"what's wrong what's wrong I screamed"
"Brian something is wrong"
"Leighanne relax" he said then I heard it that sweet sound of crying
"Congrats Leighanne it's a boy a baby boy"
"We had a boy Brian a boy" "I love you Leigh" I could here him cry
"We had a boy guys I am a father we had a boy." I could here the guys in the background I was holding my son in my arms as Caleb continued to do something Joey here clean up and check on Lance."
"I herd a grunt and looked to sea Zeus staring at me I forgot he was here. he never mad a noise he was sniffing the air.
"Hey boy see this is my son" he just snorted and stayed where is was.
"Good boy Caleb said "Go over by James." he had the cell phone and was talking to Brian Joey came over and sat with me
"He's very handsome Leigh you have a name yet"
"Yeah Sebastian"
"That's a cool name any middle name?"
" Well we had one but I want to change it."
"Here Brain wants to talk to you one last time." Caleb took Sebastian and changed the towels and wrapped him in some clean blankest wiping him up.
"Oh Leigh I wish I was there we are getting the next flight there"
"Ok Brain I love you I can't wait for you to see him."
"Brian I want Caleb to be the godfather can I ask him"
"Of course I as going to ask him myself"
"Ok"
"Caleb" I asked there he was sitting rocking Sebastian in his arm . My son looked very safe and secure I felt safe and secure. "Brian and I would like you be godfather ."
"Umm wow of course" I could see him crying as he played with the baby . " Brian I have to go I'm really tired I feel like I'm going to pass out.
"Ok sweetie I love you."
"I love you too"
I fell asleep watching Caleb hold the baby I would be able to hold him later I was so tired . I wasn't sure what time it as when I work up it was still dark and the fireplace was still going Caleb was singing to the baby Joey was sleep on the couch and Lance was sitting up. Good he fever must have broken . I was going to say something when Lance spoke
`You look good holding a baby"
"You think"
Yeah you look all fatherly . You've never looked so beautiful" he was stroking Zeus with his hands ands the dog just watched Caleb with Sebastian.
"Thank you James"
"That's nice."
"What's nice?"
"You calling me James"
"Well what would I call you"
"Well a lot of thing the last while."
"True but that seems so unnecessary , I'm sorry I'm glad you are feeling better."
"Me too"
"James I love you too"
"What?"
"Well when you were with a fever you said that you still loved me and well I wanted you too know I love you too"
Lance was tearing up and wiping at his eyes . Then Caleb noticed I as awake and he blushed , "would mommy like to hold the baby?"
I laughed "Yes if his god father will part with him"
"Oh well I guess so." he rolled his eyes
Caleb placed the baby in my rams and I stared at him sleeping I checked his fingers and toes. Yup all there he had all his parts. I just spent so long staring at this wonder I was so amazed.
Present
"Leighanne sweetie you in here" Brain asked entering the room
"Yes"
"You okay?" he asked worried
"No, but I'm surviving " she hugged the little teddy bear to her chest, Brain stood behind and gently rubbed her shoulders staring down at her as she rocked.
Interlude
The water is everywhere, I can't breathe oh my god. Help me! , where am I? Please Help ME! Quickly I can see the surface keep swimming have to get to the top, I have to. NOOOOOOO. I shot up from the bed covered in sweat and breathing heavily, I am still shaking I can still feel the water around me. It takes me a while to get over the nightmare and realize where I am.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
Oh god the baby is awake I woke him up . I have got to get over these nightmares. I make my way out of bedroom and down the hall the baby's room. Good thing Lily is away she wouldn't like this she would start asking questions, oh my head hurts. I make my way into the nursery and pick up my son.
"Shhhh, sweetie, shhhh, its all right papa is here."
I make my way back to my bed taking him with me, rocking as we go. He is settling down as we go I am checking his diaper, good he's dry . I lay down with James on my chest and allow him to go back to sleep. I feel that it won't be that easy for me to get back to sleep. I have a headache coming on . I lay there listening my son breathing feeling his chest rise and fall. He was getting big almost eight months old. He had beautiful blue eyes they were so deep. I looked over the clock seeing it almost 3 am. Oh well another restless night it going to be hard getting to work tomorrow, I will be dragging my ass all day Lily is going to be pissed. Oh well I better get some sleep while I can . I don't know what time it was when eventually passed out.
"JJ wake up"
"Uhhh,"
"You are such a brilliant conversationalist. Wake up this little fellow wants to eat I think"
"What oh my god, where's the baby! He was here I know it, Lily just don't stand there help me find him"
"JJ look at me"
"What" I looked up seeing he smiling holding James in her arms. He was cooing and giggling trying to get out of her arms to reach me.
"He certainly likes his daddy doesn't he"
"Oh course who wouldn't and don't do that to me. Lily I almost had a heart attack"
"Sorry I couldn't resist. I come over to get you and didn't expect you in bed. I came in here to find son and daddy , James here looked like he just woke up and was staring at you cooing. So another ruff night that why he's with you not in his crib?"
"Uh yeah he woke up crying."
"Yeah and you had another nightmare didn't you. I can tell you look beat when you have one."
"How did you get so insightful and why did I ever give you a key?"
"One I was born that way , two well I own this place remember your renting from me. Come on we got a lot to do the big event is approaching only a week off there is a lot to get done.'
"Who is this event for anyway?"
" I don't know I have been dealing with an assistant apparently , Obviously some big wig Yuppies with no time to arrange a wedding so they just plan on showing up."
"Ok so explain how I ended up helping with this?"
"Well you need to get out more and stop isolating your self. You can't lock your self up in this cabin with James all the time. Daddy needs a life too. and I am just the person to help you find it" she reached over and kissed me full on the lips. I was shocked and stood there in awe. Don't worry JJ I know your playing for another team."
"What!"
"You are so cute sweetie my gaydar is better then yours. You need to realize your gay and be happy."
"Uhh"
"Get dressed I will take James down and get him dressed and get some breakfast"
She turned and left me I made my way to the shower to wash up. I was thinking about what Lily said. Did I really like guys was I gay, then how did I ever end up with James I thought. OHHH my head I should know about trying to remember. God it hurts, can't need to focus. Lily asks to many questions I swear I can't let her know about me well what there is to know. I just wish I could remember what I'm running from.
I quickly showered and mad my way down stair Lily was in the kitchen feeding James in his high chair God he was so beautiful I could spend hours watching him looking at things. He was always full of life looking at everything. Here he was in his high chair full of his breakfast more was on his face and hands then I think was in his mouth.
" Lily do you not know how to feed a baby, there is more on him then in him" I laughed as I took the spoon from her and grabbed a tea towel to wipe his face.
" There, there Boo let dada wipe your face" like all children he squirmed and made a face while I wiped it.
"Now don't pout James , you have to come with daddy to work . We have to help the mean lady Lily do her job" I received a smack on the back of my head for that. I made a face and James started to laugh and he grabbed my hair and imitated Lily by slapping me.
"See what you did teaching my son your evil ways."
"Uh uh just teaching him to take care of himself, JJ has he started speaking yet?"
"Umm no but I not going to rush it"
"Maybe you should put him In daycare while you work JJ"
"NO"
"Ok JJ calm down."
"Sorry Lily but I want him near , I really don't need to work."
"I don't know how you can say that you can't live forever without working JJ"
"I'll manage lets go. Let me get James clothes on and I will meet you in the car"
"Ok JJ"
Lily walked out to her car and waited for JJ , she really couldn't understand him, she knew something was up he seemed like he was running from something and he was keeping to himself. It took a while for her to get him to open up. He paid his rent in full in cash and had everything ordered in. Living a recluse this was no way to live. Specially with a baby in the woods, oh well she hoped he would trust her enough in time. She just couldn't get over the fact there was something about him, nothing bad , she could tell he was a good person just it was like he was lost it all showed in his eyes. She looked up and saw him coming toward the car with the baby in the papoose carrier holding a diaper bag in one arm and a car seat in the other. She smiled he looked like a typical daddy. She could imagine him with lost of kids running around behind him although she new for certain he was gay she could tell, she would see the way he looked at some guys that passed by.
"Ok Lily lets get this on the road sooner done sooner I get home."
"Well I am glad my company impresses you that much"
"Just lets go you know what I mean"
Lance's House
"Britney I'm back sweetie!"
"She's not back yet Justin."
"Lance where are you?"
"I'm in the kitchen cooking supper what do you need?"
Justin slowly made his way to the kitchen. He wasn't prepared for this. Lance being so polite and shit; Especially after what went down today . He was actually expecting a war zone with his and Britney's stuff on the front lawn.
"Uhh Lance can we talk?" as he walked into the kitchen only to be hit again with another surprise. Lance was shirtless in the middle of the kitchen with his arms wrapped around the guy from this morning who was chopping vegetables. They both looked over Lance smiled and kissed the guy on the check. The guy just stared daggers at Justin and then turned to Lance.
"Jimmy I'm going to go wash up ok , I'll be back down in a bit."
"Were having pasta." He was directing this at Justin
"You and Brit were not going out tonight were you?" Lance asked
"Umm no , Ahhh Lance are you doing ok ? I mean after today I wasn't expecting a warm welcome."
"I know Justin I know. I have been a handful and appreciate what you guys are doing . Let me say one thing though and that is I really don't want back in the group just so you understand ."
"Ok Lance if that's what you want, I don't understand but I don't want to argue with you."
"I don't either Justin. You and Britney can stay here as long as you want , I like having you guys here, makes me feel like I have a family."
"Oh Lance you still do have a family we are all there for you. Mel wants to be there for you as well."
"I know but after the way I acted I don't think she does anymore." he cast his eyes downward.
"I think you would be surprised of what she would want."
"I also like the new me, I also really like Logan, that's his name by the way , I am starting to feel somewhat happy again. I owe a lot to him and you for keeping me alive. He has been keeping an eye on me when I have been at the clubs and such making sure I would be ok and not doing anything too stupid. He is really a great guy and I really would like you to get to know him better."
"He was looking out for you really , well I guess I didn't get off to the right foot this morning I probably should apologize."
"That would be good but you probably don' t have to. He understands why you did what you did that's why he is such a great guy. He hasn't pushed me about anything and understands how I feel about... you know he understands that I am... I'm still in love with Caleb." Tears began to flow down his cheeks. Justin grabbed him into a hug and let him cry. After several moments Lance pulled himself together and straightened up
"There I said it"
"I am so proud of you, he was a part of this huh?" gesturing with his fingers to the situation that was occurring.
"Yeah he was, he was waiting for me outside when I got home today. I called him on the way home he knew I was pissed and dropped what he was doing to meet me. He knocked some sense into me this afternoon, showed me the error of my ways. He's great guy."
"I can see and you said that before." Justin grinned
"Yeah I guess I did" Lance blushed
"Jimmy do you need any more help in here?"
"Uhh no I think we got it under control. You can just stand there and look pretty"
"Whatever you could do the same if you got rid of the mop on your head" Logan replied quickly
"Ha ha, funny I get the point."
"I hope so!" Logan was smiling at him
"Logan I want to apologize for this morning. I'm sorry, I was and ass."
"It's ok, apology accepted. I don't believe in holding grudges."
"Justin, when is Britney getting back" Lance asked.
"Uh not sure I better call her and see what happened to them."
"Where is she at anyway J?"
"Well she went with Mel to get their dresses fitted again." Justin replied as he was dialing Britney's cell phone
"Oh"
"I take it Mel is Caleb's daughter." Logan interjected
"Um yeah she is , she quite beautiful,
"Melissa is getting married. how old is she"
"23 the same age as Nick"
Logan looked perplexed Lance smiled. "Caleb was actually Melissa's cousin he didn't have many relatives only an aunt and uncle. They were killed in a car crash when she was younger Caleb just walked in and took over. It was easy he had been taking care of her since she was a baby.So it was easy after a while that she just called him Papa. I wish you could have known him Logan he was great man."
"He sound like he was."
"Umm Logan what do you have behind you back?"
"Oh these" he produces Justin's hair clippers "I found these in the bathroom, and thought I could put them to good use."
"Well I don't"
"Sit jimmy I told you those dreads were going."
30 minutes later Justin returned to the kitchen "Well Brit is on her way ho..." Lance was sitting one of the kitchen chairs with a towel over his shoulders. His once longish dreaded hair was now cut into a crew cut, it was still purple though.
"Well Lance that is definitely better look you almost look like Lance, I take it Logan did it. `"Yeah I did with your clippers"
"Glad they were put to good use." he grinned
"Well I agreed to let him cut it but I like the color and I am not changing it."
"That's fine it looks like things are improving. Brit said that Mel would like to have lunch with you at some time."
"Uh I will think about it Justin but let's not push this ok?"
"Ok will do buddy. Glad you are still my friend."
"I will always be your friend."