I'm not dying! By Darne Moon.
I'm not dying! is an adventure tale that contains graphic sexual content between men. If you are not permitted to read such content please refrain from reading any further. I currently don't have an editor, and do have dyslexia so please be patient with grammatical mistakes etc. This is the first time I've written anything of this magnitude in this genre. If you enjoy this chapter of this story please let me know at darnemoon@gmail.com, and I'm always interested in constructive criticism comments and ideas.
I've also recently started a Yahoo Group, with all sorts about I'm Not Dead. You can find it at: http://uk.groups.yahoo.com/group/im_not_dead/ Hopefully see you there :D
So far, we've seen Alex survive a mysterious viral infection that claimed the lives of twelve other people. The first night he was declared free of the virus and fit and healthy he goes to meet his friends for some drinks and bumps into an old fling Lee who is currently dating a friend of Alex's, Rachel. The day after New York city is destroyed by a dirty bomb. Alex begins to have a series of surrealist dreams. In the week that followed Alex's mother (the Dragon) shocked by the New York incident declines into depression and attempts to commit suicide. Rushing her to hospital Alex meets a nurse, Ian and a relationship instantly blooms. Over the subsequent days following the Dragon's admittance to hospital. Alex has a "dream" that Washinton DC is destroyed by another series of bombs. Later that day Washington is destroyed.
Chapter 4
The four weeks after Ian's introduction to my dad's family he begun to spend all his time off work with me. He worked rotating rota's four days on and four days off. We shared our time between my mum's house and down at my dad's. I would spend my time with Wendy and the twins, he working in the garage with my dad on the old bike. At first it was strange to me. Suddenly in such a short time my whole life had changed.
The Dragon had now been moved to the "facility" after my brother consented, and so I basically had the run of the house. My brother hadn't returned to Wales since he told me he had gone back down to London. Whilst Ian was at work I would be in the garden pottering on, keeping myself busy. I decided to buy a goldfish and named it Bernie. God knows why but he kept me company. Whilst the bike was being built my dad insisted I renewed my provisional driving license and swat up on my CBT and plan to get my full Motorbike License. He had told me the bike was going to be an early birthday present. I hadn't experienced any peculiar dreams at all, and despite the bizarre coincidence of my vision of Washington burning I started to think they had all stopped.
I was sat in the garage with Ryan helping him on his chemistry homework. Ian and dad were busy comparing the technical drawings of the bike and sketch's Ian had put together with the parts before them. I amused myself at the confused talk, there was a rogue piece neither of them could figure out. As I began testing Ryan on his periodic table I got a thumping headache. It was so sudden I yelped in pain. Everyone was instantly staring at me. My vision began to blur. It was like I was seeing everything all at once. I couldn't hold back tears of pain. I suddenly felt sick. Then all the pain began to clear.
"Al, is everything all right?" Ian asked instantly by my side checking my temperature and pulse, "your hearts racing!"
"I... I..." I stutter. I can only explain what happened next as I had an idea, no I knew, "The news. Quickly, we need to see the news" I immediately jumped to my feet and ran indoors. Dublin was next, I knew it, they were going for Dublin! Wendy was sat watching the the Simpson's with Franco. I snatched the controller and flipped over to BBC News 24.
Wendy looked at me shocked as I angrily muttered "trinity college" to myself. Ian, Ryan and my dad appeared behind me moments later.
"We're just receiving reports that Trinity College in Dublin has been bombed" I sighed relieved but at the same time terrified, Wendy gave a cry of horror, "The explosions occurred only minutes ago, Lenister House, the home of the national parliament of Ireland and Trinity College have been destroyed. Our sources state, that it is to soon to say if this attack is associated to the bombings in America last month"
"It is" I find myself saying without thought.
"How did you know?" Ian asks scared.
"I don't know... I mean I just did... it was like it just arrived in my head" I hand the controller back to Wendy and walk into the kitchen. I take the bottle of brandy my dad keeps hidden behind a box of crackers and pour myself a generous measure and down it, and pour another before sitting down on a stool and lighting up. Everyone piled into the kitchen and lined up like a firing squad. "This isn't the first time" I state taking a sip of the brandy trying to calm my wild nerves, "I saw Washington on fire"
Wendy gasps, my dad looks at me in a way I cant deduce. "When?" Ian asks eventually. I describe what I saw when I had fallen over in the kitchen, I also explain my strange animal dreams.
"That's just... weird" Ryan states. I laugh and take a deep drag on my cigarette. Ian leans against the kitchen counter whilst Wendy walks up to me and put a comforting arm around my shoulders. She rubs my arm and places her head on mine.
"Have you seen anything else?" My dad asks eventually.
"No... not yet" I say reluctantly. I can't decide what I make of all of this and I look at them all one after each other and I cant even start to think about their opinion, "but there's more to come"
"Oh my god" Wendy states. She picks up my glass and takes a sip.
I decide I need some air and excuse myself and go and sit in the garden staring at the pear tree. It wasn't fruiting much this year. It's its off year. I take some deep breaths trying to calm myself down. Why was this happening to me, why the hell was everything happening. If this was what the news reporters were stating a delayed retaliation to the death of a man fifteen years ago, why did they wait. To get the weaponry? To train their army... what was it. I sit quietly. Mulling over all the events. Why me what has happened to me that makes me capable of predicting these horrific attacks. I get another brief headache and then another thought comes to me.
The virus. That bastard infection that tried to kill me. That's how. Whatever that virus was it's changing me. It's a ludicrous thought, but... just like Dublin... I know it. I return to the kitchen interrupting whatever hushed conversation everyone was having.
"I know what it is" I say, "its the virus, it's changed me somehow. I don't understand it all yet, but it's that"
"Virus?" Ian asks. In the weeks we've spent together I realise I hadn't told the story of my illness, I begin to explain how I had contracted something and how I was quite ill for over three months. I tell him about the twelve other people who had similar symptoms but there was never a link between us all.
"Don't worry I'm not contagious. The doctors could tell me that much" I say to them all but looking at Ian who looks horrified. I start to get the idea I've suddenly just fucked things up with him. He looked terribly hurt. Noting the tension Wendy whisks him out of the room, calling the twins to follow. I'm left with my dad in the kitchen.
"Why didn't you say something sooner?" He asks. For the first time I'm angry. I can feel a rage building deep within me. I am very like my mother in the fact that when my fury started to rise it's hard to contain.
"What do you want me to do! Tell everyone, oh yeah sorry I'm getting these fucking weird dreams I'm seeing the destruction of the world moments before it happens... my mum's just been locked up for being crazy, what the fuck would they say about a precognitive!" My dad looks crestfallen. He stumbles over some nondescript words before Wendy appears at the door.
"Did I ever tell you about my grandmother" she started advancing on me, not in an aggressive way but non the less I felt like I was being cornered, "She saw things. People would come from all around to see her, and she would tell them what was coming. She wasn't always right, but most of the time she was. She told me once, she occasionally saw the events, but most of the time it was a profound sense of understanding. It seems to me, you have the same thing, I wouldn't worry Alex. People will either believe you or not, but I'll tell you right now, I believe you. I saw that look in your eyes, grandmother was just the same!"
"How did she start... you know seeing" I ask.
"She never said. But I'll say this" She points in the general direction of the living room. "There's a man in there who likes you a lot and at the moment he's very confused" I look at her and try and read her face. She's concerned, but sympathetic. I nod slowly a strong sense of foreboding falls upon my shoulders. I leave the kitchen. The twins were nowhere to be seen but a worried Ian was sat at the dinning table. I approached him cautiously.
"So..." I say as I take a seat near him but not next to him.
"So"
"I didn't tell you... I didn't tell you because I was told I was free of it. I'm not contagious. I was ill, but when I met you I was... well" I look at him, I place a hand in front of him. I know what I want. I want a man I need, and I need Ian. I need someone else to believe in me. I need him to believe in me. My hand lingers on the table for a moment, but just before I snatch it back Ian grabs it.
"I believe you" he says slowly, "I don't understand it, but I... I believe you. If you see it then you see it..." I evaluate him and his dark honest eyes are so full of earnest I can't deny it.
"So you don't think I'm... strange"
"Strange maybe, a freak possibly... but amazing. Definitely" His words take my breath away. I hold his hand like the most precious thing in the world. I know at that moment albeit such a short time frame I've found the man I want. It takes me some time to realise that both Wendy and my dad are watching from behind the door, and despite the sudden overwhelming sensation of... could it be love, or is it still lust, I have for Ian I am more embarrassed than I thought possible.
"Boys! Come down here!" Wendy cries drawing a line against the difficult emotions. Like feral animals they appear on the the periphery, "time you got cooking boys" Wendy told them and without question they disappeared into the kitchen.
"So what do we do?" My dad asks taking a seat at the dinning table.
"We don't say anything. Alex sees things he doesn't make them happen" Ian states
"I agree" Wendy responds. She begins pacing around in circles.
"But if he sees..." My dad begins but Wendy glares at him.
"What Dan, if he sees we should tell people, how long do you think it will before the TRU come to take him and we'll never see him again!" She says quite matter-of-factly. "The thing is... we're the only people who know he knows" She looks at me quizzically. I nod.
"Then we keep it secret" My dad states. His voice more serious than I've ever heard him before. Ian quickly agrees and Wendy goes off to talk to the twins and inspecting their culinary prowess. I look at my boyfriend and father. Thought they look so starkly different they have the same expression, worry and care, but not fear. They're not afraid of me. Christ how do they manage it I'm starting to scare the shit out of myself. Wendy reappears, she's smiling.
"I've just remembered something" She says slowly as she advances on a side dresser pulling the draws out. She's looking for something with feverish passion, "Alex... my grandmother said to me on her deathbed... if I ever developed the... sight I should seek this lady out" She pulled free from the full draw a tiny battered card. It was a business card. She handed it to me and I eyed it suspiciously.
"Mrs Winklethought, Flat 5 Paradox Palace. York. The future is my vision.
"She's in york!" I state dissapointed.
"Well I am of Yorkshire!" Wendy states with a proud Yorkshire accent, "I promise, if you go to see her she will help you" I look dubiously at the card.
"It's a long way to go..." I begin but Ian cuts in front of me.
"But you need it. Anything anyone can tell you about this might help you... understand it... If we go tomorrow we can be back before my next shift" I look at him and his face is a picture of determination.
Sensing my dubiousness Wendy chirps, "Why don't you two talk about this" And she whisks my dad out of the room. I find myself uneasy. I'm not sure I want Ian any more involved in all this craziness, but then I want to keep him in my life. If I deny this, will I be denying our relationship?
"We could go tonight" He says after checking his watch. I sigh and walk towards the double doors of the conservatory attached to the dinning room. I rest my forehead against the cold white aluminium of the frame.
"Why me... why us. This whole situation is ridiculous" I turn to him, I rarely cry, in fact I cant remember the last time I did cry, but I can feel the tears welling up, "I'm sorry Ian"
For a moment he looks blank then confused. "What are you sorry about. This isn't your fault. We'll leave for York tonight. I'm sure we can get a train"
"I just need... need to get some air" I state and I enter the garden via the conservatory door. Ian has whipped out his phone and begins to check train times as I wander about the garden. At the far end is an arbour my dad had built and I take a seat. I'm taking deep breaths. This is so crazy, I say to myself suddenly weary of everything. From my vantage point I start to study the garden. To my left are two large sheds standing side by side, a small pathway runs behind them and along the the hedge. I see in the corner of my eye an old wheel jutting out from the mess and wild growth that always seems to reside at the sides of sheds. Curious I go to inspect. The small path is wide enough for one person to walk down comfortably without being accosted by the tall hedge. I study the wheel and begin tugging on it. After a few moments of battle I pull it free. Wow it's my old push bike. I thought that had gone years and years ago. I once got carried away on this thing hurtling down a hill at stupid speed and didn't see a small but deep rut in the ground just the right size for the wheel to lodge itself. I was sent hurtling through the air and landed head first in a gorse bush. Not wanting to relive the experience I rarely used it after that. I assumed it got sold on or given away during the divorce.
I'm so absorbed by my memories I don't notice Ian quietly advancing on me. A mischievous grin plastered across his face. Totally oblivious to him, he grabs me around the waist and growls in my ear. I scream thankfully in a manly manner so I managed to main some dignity. I turn in his arms and look into his beautiful eyes.
"What's that" He whispers
"My old push bike"
"Cool... There's a train in an hour. I've bought the tickets we've just got to collect them from the train station. We're only going to be away for a day or two so I figured we could just go" His hold on me is quite firm, his groin pressing against mine. I can feel his heat through his jeans. I my crotch against his. He grins and groans a little, "I like that" He murmurs and I know he does, I can tell by the building pressure of his hard on against mine, "Stop or I might have to do something about it" He grins naughtily. I don't stop. We're completely secluded here. Hidden between shed and hedge. I figure why stop. My hands find their way into the back pockets of his jeans, and I grope him firmly. "Now your sure your not contagious" He asks, I nod slowly gagging for him to kiss me. He leans in and we kiss. His tongue exploring mine. I cant get enough of him. One of his hands begin to wander to the front of my trousers and begin to rub me. I know I'm instantly oozing precum. His other hand is gripping my head holding me against him. My hands continue their caressing assault on his hot bubble butt.
Things progress quite quickly. With a deft flick and practised manoeuvre Ian undoes my belt and trousers. He takes his time to undo my fly. His hand brushing painfully slowly along the length of my member. I shudder with anticipation. He quickly kneels before me and thrusts his face into my crotch. He begins to gently suck on my nuts through my tight black underwear. My hands now unoccupied find themselves holding the back of his head. My fingers lost in the curls of his beautiful black hair. With a quick but careful yank Ian tugs my underwear down just enough to expose my bum and raging hard on. He licks me from base to tip savouring the taste of my precum whilst his hands begin to play with my anus. His probing fingers teasing me, each gentle insertion forcing more precum to ooze from my member. He spends his time teasing me. My lust rising in me until I finally have to beg him to fuck me. He knows I love this.
Leaping up he quickly undoes his jeans exposing his proud long cock to the air. Its a fantastic sight and one I was desperately craving for. As his jeans slide down his strong legs he removes a small pouch of lube. I raise an eyebrow, interesting thing to remember. Ian carries lube. Before I can comment I'm thrust bodily against the shed. His strong hands clutching the top of my hips he pulls my ass out so he has better access. I hear a tear of the lube packets and a few quite moments pass as he smothers his dick in it. I am nearly shaking with anticipation and excitement. Then I feel him pressing at my entrance. I love the sensation just before penetration eagerly I thrust back a little and I feel him push against me. It hurt like hell at first just like every time. He slowly pushed deeper then retracted slightly before thrusting all the way in.
I was suddenly dripping precum. I could see the strands of cum fall from my dick and pool on the concrete slab below me. He pace was steady and strong. His head, resting on my right shoulder occasionally kissing my neck. "Harder Ian... fuck me" I pant and is pace increases. One of his hands reaches around me and he starts to pump my cock just as vigorously as he fucked my ass. I groan with pleasure. My face now pressed against the wood of the shed as he ploughs me harder and harder. His panting is now fast but he begins to nibble on my ear lobe and his other hand begins to explore my body finding my nipples and tweaking them.
"Boys?" I hear Wendy call out from the conservatory doors, "Where are you?"
"Oh fuck" I whisper, "WE'RE JUST BY THE SHEDS!" I shout a little louder than I need to. "JUST SHOWING IAN MY OLD BIKE AND STUFF" Ian hasn't even slowed his assault on my body. His dick plunging deep into me, one hand twisting my nipples, the other pumping my cock furiously.
"Oh ok... well you'd better be setting off soon. Don't want to miss the train!" She calls back a little bemused then returns I assume into the house. I almost half expect her to appear at the paths entrance and see me pressed bodily against the shed and Ian getting feral on my ass. Thankfully she doesn't.
"We'd better hurry before they guess what we're doing" I mutter between his forceful thrusts. He grunts his response and against all the odds his pace increases. His thrusts faster and harder banging me against the shed almost violently. I can't help it I'm so turned on I can feel my orgasm climbing. It starts like a tingling sensation deep in my groin and it rapidly explodes through my body. Shot after shot of hot silky cum splashes against the wooden wall of the shed. Ian begins grunting as my orgasm forces my butt to clench around his hard cock. Moaning like an animal I can feel his cock head pulsing. Moments later I feel his seed pumping deep into me and that amazing sensation as he fucks his cum into me. He pants for a moment holding me close to him. His dick slowly softening inside me. I love these intimate moments after, both of us recovering from our orgasms in sated silence. I've never felt more happy.
Moments we were dressed and my dad's running us to the train station and we arrive just in time. We collect our tickets and hop on the train to Manchester. The hour drifts by quietly. I'm quite surprised at this I used to make late evening trips on my bimonthly pilgrimage to the Manchester's gay scene when I was a teenager. I relax sat next to Ian holding his hand. I can still feel his warm seed inside. I feel quite complete.
We were due to arrive in York at 22.31 and Ian begins to ponder where we're going to stay. I smile and tell him not to worry. I produce my phone and quickly type an email to Cale, my old work friend who had moved to York a handful of months before. We had worked together for three years and had at one point had a slight sexual encounter which promptly ended my long relationship with my boyfriend at the time. He was now working a 9-5 job and was quite happy. He had a small flat close to the city centre and was now dating. He to had been a victim of the tyrannical management regime that drove me round the bend. Cale and I kept in touch and I finally decide to take advantage of his persistent invitations to York. I don't go into detail as to the reason of our visit however he's more than happy to put us up for the night.
The change at Manchester was swift but frustrating. We arrived on platform 14 as usual and had mere minutes before our next train. Like bats out of hell we dart all the way across the enormous Piccadilly train station. Only to discover our next train is coming in all the way back on platform 14. With profanity and a lot of running we got there just in time. I making the declaration that if I ever meet the man in charge of platform allocations I'm going to kick him in the nuts. We find seats on the nearly deserted train and settle down for the remaining two hour of the leg.
A number of years ago trains and train stations had become virtually automated. There were ticket barriers everywhere, you couldn't move without a ticket. If you even dared to hop a train fare, the enormous security guards would descend on you like a ton of bricks. Since the 2012 Olympics in London the government had forced train companies to invest heavily on improving their service. The shambles that was the transport infer-structure during the Olympics in London had spurned the government to put major pressure on getting Britain's public transport efficient. As a result the companies piled small fortunes into the development of new super-trains based on the double decker trains the Dutch had, and to save costs they automated the entire system across England, Wales and Scotland. As a result the only humans you saw on the north and south trunk, were the other passengers and the occasional security officer. Now however there were a lot of security everywhere.
Ian dozed alongside me, his hand gently resting on mine, whilst I pondered on this Mrs Wrinklethought. She was going to be undoubtedly old, probably some hippy type. Surrounded with wooden craved trinkets, crystals and so much incense burning it would choke a heavy smoker. I imagined her laden with jewellery from across the world and she would talk with a low soft tone. After my pontification is over I stare out the window and watch the world slip by in a blur of green and yellows. The weather has slowly been turning, the late summer haze had begun to turn. Darker clouds had begun to cluster above threatening much needed rain. Chiller winds were blowing and some of the tree's leaves had begun to turn ready for the autumn fall. It was always my favourite time of the year. I like the summer for my gardening but I am an autumn man at heart. I love the long cool evenings the bristling stars and crisp moon at night and the softness of natures colour. I often mused that autumn was natures menopause.
Before to long we arrived in York. A stunning old town, proud of its heritage. Each of its numerous historical buildings preserved through dedication and persistent care. It is a middle aged, middle class city. We hop off and stretch a little. We were one of few remaining people left on the train destined for Edinburgh. We navigate our way through the labyrinth of a train station and I spot Cale leaning against a wall. He's quite tall and broad with strong shoulders and a shaved head. He's always had the most smouldering eyes and the longest eyelashes I've ever seen. He smiles as I approach and pushes himself off the wall.
"Hail" he states loudly, a customary introduction between us.
"Hay dude" I announce, "This is Ian"
"Hello Ian" he says turning to walk alongside me, "So why the sudden visit?"
"I've got to meet someone tomorrow" Cale grunts. Hes not a man of many words.
"Well, I'm not working this weekend so what ever you want to do is cool. However..." He looks at me appologetically.
"Carol's got wind of your presence up north"
"Oh christ" I state. I look at Ian and force a smile, "we may have to go to Newcastle" I inform him. Ian looks at me and shrugs.
"I've got two more days off. As long as we get back by monday we're cool"
"How did she find out" I ask Cale
"Erm... facebook. Sorry"
"Bastard Facebook!" I declare, but I'm pleased I get a chance to see Carol. We walk through the historic city, "Why don't you come with us?" I ask Cale. He looks across the river a moment as we cross a bridge.
"Yeah why not" he says. "I need a break. Mundainatey is getting to me" He grins flashing his sparkling white teeth.
"So hows Jared?" I ask. Cale's new love interest. In all his emails he seems to play the relationship down a little, but I have a feeling it could be something more, but Cale is not the type of person to press.
"We're good, fancy a drink?" He asks nonchalantly. We both agree, it had been a rushed evening and to a certain degree I know I need a drink just to process the fact I am here, now, in York. We wander through the meandering streets and enter a modern new bar. I instantly clock the crap "modern" art on the walls, and psuedo modern furniture. I instantly start evalutating the bar in the same manner I was demanded to when I was working. Greasy tables. A myriad of customers which should be more controled, and yet we find ourselves at the bar. I order mine and Ian's drink and they were served by a quite charming young man with strawberry golden hair.
The drinks were served promptly and accurately but then again how hard is it to pour a pint of cider and a vodka and coke. I'm on the vodka. I virtually drain my drink and order another. I look shyly at Ian who nearly laughs at my blatant alcoholism. I order another and it promptly arrives. This time I decide to drink it slowly. I turn to Cale and he smiled.
"So what do you think?" He asked. I look at him quizically. "Jared" Cale inclines his head towards the starwberry blond headed man who served me. I smile and laugh. Ian looks at me quizically. I point out who Jared is. Ian smiles and nods his approval. He was nice.
We sit down and take our drinks casually despite how uneasy I found the environment but then I am always analysing everywhere I go new. Cale is causal and comfortable and very topical something I've never really witnessed. York is good for him, I notice him smiling more than once. I like seeing Cale smile. We reamained there for till we all finished our drinks and me and Ian waited outside for Cale to emerge after saying goodbye to Jared.
He emerges in his iceberg manner. His charming bright eyed face. He seems slightly embarrassed but I rise above the opportunity to take the piss out of him. Cale was sadly my punching bag. He took a lot in good humour but occasionally I would overstep the mark and everytime I did that I still feel guilty to this day, but he wasnt one to negate a sharp comment here and there. He has a wit like a razor more than often its cutting and aslong as you anticipate it your find. Other than the rare occasions he's very silent. I cant decide whether thats how we always got on. I have an inane ability to talk and talk crap a lot of the time, I like meeting people and he's always reserved. That's how we opperated in Newcastle I would talk and he would go home with someone, however in the latter years my talk turned bitter digrestion and I was more dissaproving and vile to those around us than engaging. Dissalussionment has a lot to answer for.
I have to admit the pair of us had come a lot of way from the bitter and twisted shells we were. We lived together for just over a year and in that time our work had degraded us to seething balls of hate encapsulated in a fake happy veneer. I had escaped from it all a year before and he a couple of months ago and almost imediately we felt like the end of the world had been lifted from our shoulders and a whole life had been revealed. It was a remarkable thing to see two strong minded people very different in their attitudes reduced to nothing, and then their escape from leased them a new life. My question is what is it going to cost us. I'm starting to think I'm paying my dues.
"Let's move on" Cale states, as he thumps his glass upon the fake leather table top. We follow him to a small bar which is the only openly gay bar in York. I can tell by the attempt of a rainbow flag. Another thing I dissaprove of. Inside my initial opinion is gratified. It initially has the distinct feel of a youth group centre. There are numerous flyers scattered across the floor and a minority of lucky looking bastards who are sixteen coming on twenty. However the futher we delve into the decadence of this particular homosexual establishment I find it's much like some of the dank dark and by the looks of a rather suspicous pool, murky bars that I frequented in my youth. I do sometimes think I can be a bit of a snob. I find myself however strangely at one with myself in a place like this.
I do have to admit in the dark recesses of my mind there is an element of... something wanten. I like the dark and sorded, in fact in the right place with the right people I fucking love it. But I also like smart, and clever people and right now I can tell I am lost in sea of the... mixed. Inteligent people... smart people... clever people... am I too expectant, or am I to demanding of gay people. I find myself in a gay bar usually wanting. It's always a circus of extremes, your either to camp, or not enough of a bitch, and on the odd occasions, you've somehow defied the laws of nature and shagged someone and everyone knows and your instantly the enemy of everyone who had slept with him previously... which is everyone. That type of mentally makes me sick. To gratify myself I grasp Ians hand. Then suddenly like some invisible snake pouncing. I realise I dont know everything about his previous sexual life.
It's like poison these places. They infect you and make you so insecure about yourself and your relationships. I shake all thoughts of angry doubt out of my mind. So what. I keep saying to myself, he's with me now. But what will people say when we split up. I find myself thinking. Hang on, we've not even had a proper argument. I have to actually shake these omnipetent bitch thoughts out of my head. I find myself suddenly wanting to be as close as I can to Ian as I can. I also make a note to myself, I don't do well in a gay environment. I then also make a note whether having a "gay ghetto" is the best answer socially. Surely life would work better have everyone accepting and getting on. A utopia perhaps... but then... if we didnt all have this mentality... AH its a dangerous world my mind starts treading on and I quickly reign it in.
Cale, in his muscular broad manner looks at me. He knows me to well. I think to myself. He's known me to well! But for some reason a bar man appears brandishing drinks and hands them out to us. I look at Cale and he looks as blank as me.
"Compliments of the management. Mr Riley, Mr Forester say's good evening"
They're just friends I say to myself and the serving boy leaves. It's completely out of character of the bar. There my be other "Services" going on but table service is not one of them. I look at Ian and he looks awkward.
"We were in college together, his dad was wealthy and Brian always wanted me, but I refused. He was a rich bitch boy" He looks at me and then Cale. I try and smile but I fear look like I have hemeroids. "Nothing happened!"
There was no tension as such, except I was completely uneasy, I look to Cale for support but that was a near waste of time. I was alone to contemplate everything, however at that exact moment Fire with Fire by the Scissor Sisters came on over the sound system. It was classic. I had been brought up on them, especially their early albums and any self respecting human being appreciated them. Or at least so I thought. Something took me the moment I heard the piano and Jake Shears voice. He had been such an attractive man. As the chorus kicked in I abandoned my drink and tried to pull Ian into the minute dance floor. I am not on to dance or sing I know my talents and neither of them feature strongly, but there is something about that song I cant fight. I go mental to the tune, and for some reason Ian joins me. We're the only ones on the dance floor and we are as a pair shit. I nearly fall over at least twice, but the fact was it was Ian and I, and somehow I knew we would do as the lyrics said. As the song died away we slunk back into our dark corner, so Ian could be embarrassed and I could spout my dispondency towards the more "typically" camp men, who spent their time dancing to the modern pop music flicking their scarfs one way and another. Each pretending like the last, second to last and third hundred pie hadn't made them fat.
It may come as a bit of a surpise we didnt stay long. After some debate I decide I need to get to bed. I'm starting to think the copious alcohol and the events of the day are starting to break down my ability to be socially acceptable. Cale agrees.
We walk across town. I find the cool air is fueling my rant on the social dependancy we have on, ghettoism, and that we, the gays, self elect ourselves as a minority and how we're happy to segregate ourselves as a group and play up to the media expectations. Both Cale and Ian fail to argue and I soon run out of long words. Cocktails can be strong. By the time we get to Cale's flat I'm leaning against Ian, bleary eyed and happy. Cale punches in a combination lock code and he leads the way up to his flat.
"You know..." I say to Ian as we ascend the stairs. "You know. It's great!" I am being some what marginally cryptic. "It's amazing" Cale is quietly concealing a laugh he reserves just for me and my drunken state profoundness. "It really is. I can see the future, and I'm not dead!" I slur in Ian's ear then I pass out. After that night I agree not to mix alcohol.