Warning: The usual disclaimers apply here. If you don't like any of the following, leave now: gay sex, vulgar or harsh language, etc.
This is pure fiction. No one in this story is a real person, living or deceased. Please do not copy without my consent. Please practice safe sex.
Subject: I'm Not Gay? Am I? Chapter 14
It took me a few days before I could go back to my therapy sessions with Father Reilly. Part of me wanted to just say fuck it all to the therapy and give up the fight. Daniel and Cal had even called me and said I could come and spend the rest of the summer in the guest room. I actually considered it. I could get way from my family, especially my brother, and I could have the rest of my summer with those guys. No matter how sick this whole gay thing was at least I could just be with two cool men who accepted me no matter what I really was. And well... the sex I had shared with them had been amazing. There was no denying that. Something about Cal made my cock jump. I would hide in my bedroom and relive the scenes over and over as each of them had fucked me. I was ready to just leave it all and go be with the 2 gay men who seemed so happy in this world. I wanted to be with them in the saftey of their home.
But it was actually my brother who stopped me. It was the looks he would give. The disgust in his eyes. The hatred. If I had left my straight life I would lose everything. My family. My Josh. It was the ulitmate irony. Being gay would cost me any chance of seeing Josh. And I ached to have him in my life. But partially because I ached for being with him again. No matter what I did I still wanted to slip into his bed at night and taste him all over again. The confusion was too much.
So I went back to my sessions with Father Reilly. I was honest and told him what had happened with Daniel and Cal. I told him everything really except for mentioning Josh. No one could ever know that. I was scared to admit my sin, but Father only hugged me and thanked me for my honesty. He told me it is like an addition. That alcoholics fall off the wagon and that I had done the same thing. That in many ways I had been tricked by Daniel and Cal and been seduced. He taught me that I may falter, but I can over come and be normal. That I can end the sickness.
Eventually we established a regular schedule of meeting at least 3 times a week. I would smile each time as I drove into town, excited to see him and let out my feelings. I never knew I could feel this type of friendship with a clergy man, let alone a guy in his 50s. It felt like in those session with him it was the one place I could be safe and tell all my fears and troubles too. And instead of condemming me, he gave me hope. Being with him brought me safety from my sin.
But I was not 100% honest because I wouldn't tell him about Josh. Once I did mention how irritating it was to see my brother with only a shorts or a tank top on while I was making such progress with my therapy. Father must have picked up on it because he tried repeately to explore that Josh comment. He even asked outright if I ever pleasured myself and thought of Josh, but I denied it. I could never utter those words because even I knew despite what Father Reilly said he would hate me for what Josh and I had done together. He seemed to want me to admit it, and asked again later if Josh and I had ever had sex. I wanted to say it out loud. But I denied it all.
When I was not in sessions I worked very hard on the farm, getting all the repairs completed that Dad needed done. It was the typical summertime harwork on a farm, but I didn't mind it because it helped to pack on more muscle and definition to my body. When I wasn't working I was either working out in the basement weight room or studying the Bible Dad had given me. My body was tan and in great shape. My mind was clear. And I forced the thoughts of Daniel and Cal from my mind. Even Dad seemed encouraged by me and would often come up to my room and ask about what Bible chapter I was on.
My arousals were kept to the rectory. There I was allowed to admit my thoughts. If I had seen a particularly handsome guy, or I had thought of the men from my past, I was encouraged to talk it through and say my feelings. Father told me I was in a safe place there. In session I could share my desires because it helped to cleanse me. At first I resisted, but through his questions I was finally able to admit my emotions and in a strange way it was like my chance to masturbate or stimulate myself without touching myself. He never reacted when I got aroused telling him about some of my thoughts, or past actions. MY erections were obvious no matter how loose my pants or how tight my jock strap to hold down my cock. He told me it was a natural sign of my confusion, but that in time it would stop. That I would find myself real pleasure with a woman but in order to get to that I needed to express out all of my sick desires.
When I told him details about the incident with Cal and Daniel or with Thad and Jeffrey I was in extreme pain because of the hurt I felt for my actions but also because my worthless penis would get so hard it was pinched inside my jeans, and he noticed. Finally he told me in one session to use the restroom, to release it. To masterbate and rid the sickness from my body. I was shocked but he continued to offer in each session and encourage me to get rid of the sickness and go release it. I thought it seemed wrong but finally I did it one day. I was particularly aroused and I was in so much pain I jumped up and crossed the room, closed the restroom door and stroked myself to climax. I felt so much better. More in control. It allowed me the ability to finish the session and finally sleep through the night. In fact it was such a relief that it became part of every session. Eventually I no longer touched myself at home anymore because I could live out my fantasies there just talking about them.
It wasn't until late July I finally told him about Todd. I had left him out of all my past stories including the day he and Ryan raped me because I knew Todd's family were leading members in my church. They were wealthy and Father Reilly was a friend of Todd's parents. But I couldn't hold it in any longer. Todd was a significant part of my past and my sickness. It was the first time I willingly had spent a night in bed with a man. And it was the first time I willing fucked and was fucked and loved it. I needed to admit it.
It was the only time Father Reilly seemed to react to my honesty. His questions about my involvement with Todd were very intent and probing. It filled all three of our week's session as he encouraged me to divulge every detail. In spite of my shame he forced to me to tell about all of the things Todd and I had done together that night in bed. The sessions were powerfully intense because I would become so aroused and would go to the restroom and cum, then Father would tell me in detail how sinful that was. The shame would consume me, but I knew he was right. I knew it was a part of the therapy to teach me how wrong I had been even thinking about Todd in that way. I faced the facts that my past actions were filth and even my night with Todd was wrong.
By the first week of August I found every session seemed to revert back to Todd. Father Reilly would bring him up if I didn't, which seemed odd to me at first. Then he told me why he was asking so much. Todd was engaged to be married.
I was in shock. I had done everything I could to avoid Todd and his family, but I had never assumed he would be getting married! I mean sure, eventually, but it was so soon in our lives. And hadn't he enjoyed that night with me? Doesn't he feel as confused as me about all these homosexual feelings we shared? Had the sex we shared only been a one night thing and had no effect on him? Was he able to overcome the sickness so easily? In a strange way it made me angry enough to tell more. To convince Father Reilly Todd couldn't marry because he loved cock as much as I did that night.
I pressed Father for more information and he eventually told me every detail, explaining about Todd's fiance and their relationship. I knew Father probably shouldn't have told me everything, but I anxiously dug for every bit of information. I ignored my concerns about Father sharing so much, because hearing about Todd made my heart fill with a mix of happiness, lust, and pain. My sessions became more about Todd and less about me. Plus they now included scripture and lessons in the sin of homosexuality. They were a mix of forgiveness, assurance of my straightness, and an opportunity to admit my desires. Yet in the end the session alwys came back to Todd. Either something about the upcoming marriage, or the girl. Then in one session he mentioned Todd's parents. And their selection of this girl for Todd. It came out that his parents had set up tTodd with the girl and had pushed for a quick marriage.
Father Reilly told me, "I don't feel Todd is ready for marriage quite yet. I can't quite figure out why yet, but I can feel that he is just not prepared for it."
I blurted out, "He is not ready because he's confused like me!"
"You think he is Eric?"
"Yes. He has to be."
"Well his fiance has told me they barely even have sex," Fathe spoke quietly.
I stared off, my thoughts racing. I wondered if maybe he was just as confused aboout himself as I am.
"What are you thinking Eric?" Father said to me.
"Nothing," I replied quickly.
"You are lying, Eric. You are hoping that his lack of sex with his fiance means that he still is sick like you. That maybe Todd still wants cock."
I nodded my yes.
"Hmmm. You think he wonders about you to? You think he remembers that night and gets hard like you do?"
"Yes," I said and imaged the night I allowed him to pull me into his bed, into his arms.
"You are remembering him sexually aren't you?" Father said.
"Yes," I said seeing Todd naked in my mind.
"Well he sits in that exact same chair and spreads his legs, Eric. He wears no underwear. He wants even me to look at him," Father replied.
Bells went off in my head when I heard Father say those words, but they excited me. I wanted to knnow if Todd still thought of me. If he had gay thoughts and desires still. I could even imagine how his cock outlined in his pants. I squirmed in the chair thinking how his ass had sat in the very same spot as I sat. How I placed my entire face between those ass cheeks of his.
Shocked, I asked, "Do you think he wants you to see his cock?", as I sat up and pulled my tshirt lower to cover my crotch.
"Oh yes. No doubt about that. It is very obvious. He even touches himself sometimes when he knows his fiance is not looking. He is man filled with many nasty thoughts. Remember how you told me about his chest. How he loved when you would suck on his nipples?"
"Yes!" I said, excited to know where this was going.
"Well he sits in that very chair and rubs his chest sometimes while he talks. In fact the last session he wore only a tank top. And made a point to pull at it so his nipples would show sometimes. I can see why he seduced you. Todd is a very powerful sinner," Father Reilly replied.
"Did you see his arms? Are they still huge biceps?" I asked, my cock fully erect in my jeans.
"Oh yes. He is very muscled. His skin is still as smooth as you told me about. Todd loves having people notice his body and he uses it as power," Father said and coughed as he sipped his coffee.
"Yeah he likes control. He made me lick every inch of him. I know it was wrong, but his skin drove me wild," I said and closed my eyes and remembered the night.
"I think Todd is getting his relief someplace else. No man like that is avoiding his fiance and going without sexual release," Father said, sipping more of his coffee.
"Do you think he is still playing with men?" I asked, hungry for the answer.
"I'm not sure. But I know he is very sexual. I feel at times he would probably even offer himself to me if his fiance wasn't in the room." Father looked into his mug with a slight smile on his face.
"Has he flirted with you, Father?" I asked hurridly.
"Oh, he makes it clear. The way he touches himself between his legs. I have no doubt in a one on one session that guy would do anything to make me touch and worship him."
"What if he did that Father? What if he asked you to touch him?" I said and breathed deeply for air.
"What would you do Eric if you were me?
The question hung in the air. I wanted to say the right thing. But I couldnt.
"I would touch him," I whispered and felt my whole body twitch with a sexual ache.
"Father, excuse me," I said as I had in the past sessions. I stood and motioned for the restroom waiting for his nod of approval when would let me go to release. This time for the first time, he forbid me.
"Sit down, Eric," he said slowly.
"Father. Please. I can't." I begged.
"Why not? Why can't you sit down Eric?" He said, and looked at me.
"Father. Please. Please I have to let this sickness out of me." I begged as I stood embarassed that my jeans were tented from my obvious erection.
"Sit down, Eric. I can see how you enjoy talking about Todd. This has become a game for you. Discussing that sick man and trying to even get me to react. It makes me wonder if you are cut from the same cloth as him. If you are possible only coming here to discuss Todd and jack off in my home," Father said and looked at me for the first time with contempt.
"No," I said and lowered myself back to the chair. "No Father. Please forgive me. You wanted me to talk about my feelings. I, I, I only tell you the truth of my confusion."
"Summer is almost over. It is time you try to end this sickness. We have to end your sinful feelings." Father Reilly rose from his chair and crossed the room to me. He hand held firmly on my shoulder preventing me from running to the restroom. My dick strained in my pants as I tried to push the images of Todd from my mind.
"You may take it out this time, Eric. Take out your penis and sit and face your demon!" His voice had changed. It reminded me of my Dad's. I was being told what to do as an order. I could tell I had done something wrong. Maybe he was right. Maybe all this summer I HAD been using Father just to talk about my fantasies. Yet it had been him who had brought the Todd details into every session. Not me. Why was he blaming me for telling my thoughts now after encouraging me to share them all summer??
DO IT ERIC! Take out that sinful penis!" Father yelled. It was so loud I jumped in fear!
I unzipped as instructed. My cock snapped out through the fly in my white briefs and my head hung in shame as Father stood over me.
"Look at it Eric! Look at how Satan controls your cock!" His voice was filled the rectory. He had never yelled like this at me before. My Father was forcing me to stare at the my dick. My betraying dick.
"If Todd was here you would give it to him wouldn't you Eric?!! If Todd was here you would stick your Satan filled penis into Todd's ass wouldn't you?!" His voice echoed and pounded through me.
"YES!" I screamed and gripped my hard cock. I leaned forward and tried to hide it from view but the grip I held on it made it even harder. Fuck he was right. I would do anything to be with Todd. To taste his cock and cum again! I violently stroked myself!
"You can see Todd naked in this chair can't you Eric?! You think about his ass in this chair and you want to lick it again don't you?! You wish he was here with you, fucking you don't you Eric!??"
I stroked my hard cock and wanted to feel Todd! I hated the words but they were right. They even felt like a command. Blood pounded in my head and I squeezed my eyes shut, but visions of Todd filled them. He was there in the rectory with me. He was like pure evil, naked and swinging his brown cock at me just like Jeff had done!
"You are gay, Eric. You are gay! So take his cock, Eric. Be the faggot you are and take Todd's cock! Worship his COCK!!" THe words were screams and I jacked to the words of truth! Father was right. I wanted Todd to fuck me. I must be a faggot!! I squeezed my eyes shut. Screams filled my ears and my brain seemed to almost explode with pain. I wanted it all to stop. I had to stop the noise!
I felt hands on my head. My head hurt with pain as fingers pulled my hair and my head was jerked forward. Flesh pressed to my mouth. Something rough and musty was rubbing on my face. It felt like rubber yet hard. I tried to sohve off but it continued. It was a cock! Todd's cock!
"Take Todd's cock!"
I opened and felt the hard meat slam into my throat. A thick bush rammed against my nose and balls and slapped my chin as the hands pulled my head forward until I was on the floor. On all fours sucking Todd's cock. I gagged and sucked, and took him deeper as the voice above me commanded. "Suck my cock you fucking faggot!"
It slammed even deeper into me and a hand reached into my briefs and violently grabbed my ass. My body was pulled forward until I could barely breath as the cock rammed further into my throat. The cock erupted, filling my mouth and throat with thick salty cum! The taste of it was bitter, but I swallowed and gasped for breath. My body convulsed and my own cock spewed cum from the violent ecstasy! The cock violently pulled from my mouth and I collapsed onto the rug, landing in my own cum puddle.
When I opened my eyes Father Reilly stood over me, zipping up his pants.
I looked at him and realized what had happened. Father Reilly.
"Father?" I said in utter shock!
"Look what you did to me, faggot. You are Satan. All summer you tricked me. You came here and told me story after story to seduce me. You are disgusting! You are filth!" Spit hit my face and I crawled up and covered my still hard cock in shame.
"Get OUT OF HERE NOW, FAGGOT!" His voice seemd to rip my soul in two. I stared at the man I had trusted. I had even done this to him. I had sucked his cock! I had done this. It was me. I brought the sickness with me even into the church!
Shame filled me as I struggled to pull up my cum stained jeans. Instead I stumbled and Father Reilly grabbed me by the shirt collar and shoved me forward. In a blur I was shoved forward over and over across the living room to the entry way, and I fell down the rectory steps into the stone lobby. I looked up the stairs at him glaring down at me in disgust. "Get dressed and get the fuck outta here, filth!" He turned and his door slammed shut.
There I laid in the rectory entryway. Partially dressed, stained with cum. Stained with sin. I was exactly what Father had screamed at me. I was a filthy faggot and nothing had worked. The therapy was over. I had only one place left to go.
15 minutes later I pulled up into the farm driveway of Daniel's and Cal's place. I saw Cal walking out of the barn as I pulled into their drive. In the sunlight his tank top clung to his sweaty torso andhis tight jeans revealing the bulge in his crotch and the muscles of his thighs. I rested my head on the steering wheel unsure of what to do, only feeling the pain of what I had just gone thru with Father Reilly.
Cal knelt by the car door and said, "Eric, what's wrong? What happened?"
I just shook my head and refused to look at him. MY car door opened and his firm grip on my bicep pulled out of my car. I leaned against the fender in the summer sun and looked at the ground.
"You're a mess, come on let's go clean you up," Cal said.
No words were said. Inside the farm house I didnt resist when Cal helped me undress and tossed my clothes in the washing machine while I climbed into the shower. I stood silently under the warm water and cried. I had no idea what I was doing anymore. I literally had nothing left in me to fight.
"Come here, let me dry you off," Cal said. I wanted to be left alone and I feared the vision of him standing there shirtless holding a big fluffy towel for me. I stepped to him and stood silently as he rubbed my down. The towel felt comforting and the familiar tingles of sexuality course through me when he towled off my cock and ball. Minutes later he held my hand and walked me down the hall to their bedroom and tucked me under their comforter.
"You rest" he said and turned and left.
I'm not sure how long I slept but I felt the sun warming my chest so I knew it was still daylight. I knew instantly someone was watching me and looked toward the bedroom doorway. Cal was standing there as if in a daze. His eyes were transfixed on my naked body.
"Cal," I said. My voice startled him and he jumped a bit, turned away and said he would go check on my clothes. I sat up and realized the Cal must have been watching me sleep. Just knowing he was staring at me made my cock twitch.
Something about that moment changed me. It was like watching myself. I had been that guy many times looking at Jeff like that. Or looking at Thad like that. I remember what I felt like, the desire controlling me as I lusted for the sexual body in front of me. But this was Cal, a true man's man. He was the epitome of strength and control but yet he was staring at me and had obviously no longer been in control. For once I was in the position of power. I was the one making another man ache for me. The intensity of that power seemed to rip through me. I rose from the bed and walked through house naked looking for Cal.
In the kitchen Cal stood by the sink, his hands gripping the counter as he stared out the window breathing deeply. "Eric, you have to leave. You clean clothes are there," he motioned and pointed at my clean clothes that rested on the table. "Seriously Eric, I want you to leave now."
"Why?" I asked, knowing the answer.
"Daniel and I are monogamous. I have never cheated on him and I won't start today. But I was very tempted since the second you arrived. You have to leave."
"How can you be monogamous? We all had sex the last time I was here," I said.
"That was a one time thing. It was the only time I have touched another man, and only because we shared you. He and I talked after that and agreed it could never happen again."
"Why were you staring at me like that Cal?" I asked. I honestly wanted to know why a man would want me like that.
A bitter laugh came from his lips, his eyes still stared out the kitchen window. "Look in the mirror Eric! You are fucking hot. You body is incredible. You dick is fucking huge. You are a gay guy's dream come true."
"I don't get it, but thanks," I said as I turned and picked up my piles of clothes. Before I left the room I turned to look at Cal again and saw how much fear he was in. His knuckles were white from the grip in the counter. His face was stern staring out the window. In that moment I felt the power course through me again. Cal was fighting every fiber of his body from coming to me. From cheating on Daniel.
The rush of power I felt was overwhelming. It literally seemed to course through my body, and I felt a quick shudder under my skin. For so many years I felt nothing but a used person, taken advantage of, and controlled by so many people, but at that moment, in the kitchen of that small farmhouse, I felt power.
I stepped into the shaft of sunlight pouring through the window. It illuminated my torso and waist, and enveloped my semi hard cock. My nudity was torture and desire mixed together for Cal. With each step toward him the quiver of power felt stronger and stronger in me. I knew he was fighting it, so I kept going closer until I wad only inches from him.
"What are you doing?" Cal whispered.
I said nothing, but just stood there and felt what Jeff must have felt every time he controlled me. The power was exquisite because for once in my life I knew I controlled another man. I had all of him. I could make Cal do what I wanted.
"You want me don't you?" I whispered, so close he felt my breath on the bare skin of his shirtless back.
"Yes," he gasped out. He stood silently in place, his back still to me. But I could see by his deep breaths he as struggling to stop the moment.
"Daniel doesn't have to know," I whispered. The words came easily for me. I wanted to break him and make him do anything I said.
"It would be cheating....I would never do that to Daniel," he said.
"But you fucked me before. Why not fuck me again?" I said.
"No, I promise Daniel. I am committed to him," he said battling his desire.
I looked at him and realized again this was a strong powerful mauscled man. A man who I had let fuck me. Like all the other men who had fucked me and used me. I wanted to be them now.
My hands reached around an cupped his bulged pecs. His taunt body collapsed back against me and his head lowered to my shoulder. "Take your pants off Cal," I commanded.
"I can't do this Eric," he whispered as his hand undid the jeans button and pulled at the zipper on his pants. His hard cock popped out into view as I let him go and stepped back.
"Take your pants off now, Cal," I said in reply quietly. He did as he was told and pushed them over his hips and let them slide to the floor.
Instantly he turned and faced me. Then lowered quickyl to his knees and using both hands heldd my ridge cock and began to feast. His mouth widely took my cock deep into his throat, moans of his pleasure filled the room. I looked down and watched this hot cowboy nude at my feet sucking my dick like a baby with a bottle, his hands jacking his own cock.
"Get on your back and raise your legs, Cal," I said, the power willing me to control him.
He slide his mouth of my hard cock and looked up at me with fear. "No Eric, no that. It makes it even worse. Please I cant do that to Daniel," he said quietly.
"You want me to fuck you don't you Cal?" I asked, watching how a man's soul can break just for dick.
He silently nodded and willingly lowered to the kitchen floor, raised his thighs to his chest and offered me his willing hole.
I lowered to my knees and aimed my weapon at his hole. "Say it Cal. Say you fucking want me! Say you are nothing but a cheating faggot!" I wanted to break him.
He looked into my eyes and did as he was told. "I am a cheating faggot. I want you so fucking badly. I dont care anymore. FUcK ME!"
The excitement I had felt before those words were intense, but the second he utterly that request my cock lurched, my body shook, air left my lungs. It was like Todd all over again. He was a man. A man's man, I had broken him. I had controlled him. I had ruined his relationship dreams. And now he was begging me for even more.
I spit on my hard cock and shoved forward. We were poised in that moment. Cal's legs in the air. On their kitchen floor. "Are you sure you want me Cal" I said, smiling.
"Yes Eric! FUCK ME!"
I plunged my cock hard and fast into him. He screamed out in pain but wrapped his legs around me and shoved himself harder onto my pole. We fucked. I used his ass like a dog in heat. I fucked him and watched as Cal laid before me. Each thrust was another moment of him cheating. Over and over I drilled him. "You are a cheating worthless faggot!" I yelled out. He screamed below me, "Fuck yes! FUck me harder!!"
OVer and over I thrust into him. I was nearly ready to flood his ass with my cum when I saw the truck slide into the driveway. My cock hardened as I knew it was the culmination of the moment. That I could break both of these men! I fucked more and yelled out, covering the sound of the truck pulling in. Our sex became more loud and verbal, and Cal began to beg over and over, "Fuck me Eric, fuck me!"
I stared into Daniel's eyes and released my load. My cum sprayed into Cal's bowels who lay below me as Daniel looked down onto his cheating boyfriend on the kitchen floor. When I pulled my cock out of Cal's ass his dick jerked out 3 strong splashes of cum as I stood up over him. He opened his eyes but saw Daniel staring down at him.
At that moment I saw the hurt in both of their eyes. The sex was done, the moment passed. But I still held all the cards. I was the god in the room, naked with cum dripping from my cock. Cal closed his eyes and silently said, "What the fuck have I done?" Daniel voice was low and direct. "Get the fuck out of my house."
I didn't know who he said it too. I didn't care. I grabbed my clothes and stepped over Cal, and brushed past Daniel. outdoors I shook the cum from my dripping cock and pulled my clothes on. Off I drove, down the farm road. Now I really was alone. THe friends who had taken me in I had come between. But I had learned that I had a power I could use. That never again would I be a victim. Maybe just maybe with this power I could end all this faggot shit. Maybe I was finally in control of my life.
I walked confidently through the house once I was back home on the farm. In my bedroom I grabbed tossed the Bible Dad had given me into the back of the closet. I wasn't going to need it anymore. The therapy was over. Then I glanced at my laptop and saw a flashing new email.
"Hey Eric - What day you moving back into the dorms? We should coordinate. Can't wait to see you."
It was signed, "Jeff, your roomie." And then I remembered what I had blocked from my mind. The night in Jeff's room. The form I had signed. My senior year of college. I realized I was about to spend the next year as Jeff's roommate.
Give me your thoughts or requests. You can email with your comments, questions, or whatever. Send them to mheast111@hotmail.com.