I'm Yours 12
It was all for the best. I didn't know that, but it was.
-
The moment my body, my consciousness registered his words, his accusing tone, his strained posture, the tremendous disgust dripping from the question, I was completely paralyzed. My limbs literally went cold, my head swam in shame, it's a miracle I didn't drop the bowl I was holding like someone in a movie would have. It just hit me, I don't know what it was, but...I was suddenly so so so so so sorry, Niall, I wish I had never done it, any of it, I just-you-I...
Harry and Lou were looking between us. Zayn didn't speak, and I was thankful for that.
"You did, didn't you? Oh my God, what the fuck is wrong with you lately?! We've been here for a week and you've already fucked three girls, and now you sleep with Zayn! And, Zayn...what, did you seduce him, did you rape him, since when does he like guys too?!" Niall's cheeks were flushed and he wore that expression of utter disgust and confusion in one.
I didn't know what to say. So that's what it's all about...and he's absolutely right what the fuck am i doing what was i thinking holy shit holy shit, this is so fucked up, so bloody humiliating-
"I've liked guys for quite some time now, but it's only sexual. He didn't rape me, we had been having something flying between us for a long time and it was time for it to come out." Zayn spoke calmly.
Larry kept staring.
"Okay. Well...that still doesn't change things, are you some kind of a whore now?! You've been unbelievably distant lately, and just, I can't even begin to tell you how...how, I don't know,disgusting and_,_ and contemptible this is! Three girls you'll most probably never see again in a week, and then Zayn! This isn't Jersey Shore!" I could only stare, holding back tears, waiting for him to stop spitting words and banging the table so I can finally try to apologize or do something or...and then he laughed disdainfully, "Maybe Daddy Direction will finally fully deserve his name..."
I didn't care the phrasing was lame, I got the message, and it stung like fuck. I wasn't looking at him anymore, I was looking at my feet, counting the white and red lines on the thin carpet absent-mindedly. They started out of nowhere and then branched out. What have I done, what have I turned into, and what what what was I thinking.
The silence was thick. I lifted my eyes to see Niall staring at me, his gaze was a little softer, but filled with an infinite coldness the moment my eyes met his. He was still holding his spoon. Then he demonstratively threw it into his bowl where it clanked and I jumped a little. He stood up and headed for the living room. But then suddenly I was angry too.
"What do you even care? I am free to do anything, we're on vacation, goddamit, I'm just. having. fun. Why are you making such a fucking big deal out of it? Why are you so righteous all of a sudden?" oh, I was furious, so furious that no sense could penetrate.
He had stopped and was now looking at me. While I was speaking, his eyes had gradually widened, his mouth had gradually opened, trying to say something so obvious that I did not see, understand. He was still crazy handsome.
"What the hell do you mean why do I care! How can I not care, I-" he licked his lips, "We're friends, we're_best_ friends, or..or so I thought, and I see that this is not you, that something's happening! How can you ask...I care because it's not you, and, and what you've been doing is just...it's not what you`d do, it's completely...I don't know, wrong!"
"That's quite a dumb reason, don't you think, friends support each other no matter what, is this the kind of a friend you are?" sometimes you say bullshit, just because you're so freaking hurt that if you don't say something completely idiotic, you'd just lose it.
But I could see it had gotten to him. He knew it was crap, but I suppose I had said it convincingly enough for him to wonder, wow, did you just go there. His shoulders were slumped now, his eyes has lost the coldness, he looked like my boy, and I wanted to hold him and just forget about this whole catastrophe.
He shook his head.
"So you want to have fun. That's okay...I..just don't think that's you. And...But I just don't understand the sudden change! First you tell me you like guys, you are bisexual, I was okay with that, whatever floats your boat, I just want you to be happy," he was flailing his arms wildly, "Then you met the Australian chick, whatever, I figured you probably need to get it in after the surgery and after the whole thing, but then Madison and then another one and you just haven't been yourself lately and then, _then_you go and you fuck Zayn-" his speech was now a little slurred and his accent was becoming so strong it was hard even for me to understand everything he was saying, "Or wait, did he fuck you? You seem to like changing, trying new things, now you've decided to explore sexually, fine! I'm just fucking concerned, I'm just trying to be the fucking best friend, and you're taking it like...You know, just fuck you, not literally, but fuck you, and fuck this, I tried, change all you want, I don't give a shit!"
There. He's officially given up on me. I've officially lost my best friend, the person that's meant the most to me in the last year. No, don't try to tell me it's going to be fine, he said it, he's done, I've fucked up so bad, whatnowwhatnow
He was already walking towards the door, when I had to screw things up even more.
"Again, Niall, you're the one who's wrong, I thought you'd support me, and you're just being dramatic!"
He stopped and turned to look at me. All the coldness was replaced by bitterness, the sense of defeat, rejection and maybe a trace of rage. He looked like he wanted to say something, his lips moved, then he turned again and left. I was still seething because of everything I've done and of how damn guilty I was feeling and because of the other part of me that was trying to tell me that I had every right to try to move on, and the Liam who wanted to apologize and hold Niall and just make things right, tell him everything, have things go back to the way they used to be.
I headed for the sliding glass door that lead to the small side patio. Even in my steps I felt completely exhausted. The boys had been staring open mouthed. Or at least Lou and Harry, I looked at Zayn once and he was eating his cereal miserably. Behind me, I heard Louis giving orders.
"Zayn, go talk to Niall, I'll talk to Liam, Harry make tea." I had one foot outside already, bowl still in hand.
"I think I should talk to Liam, I-" I heard Zayn say, but then I closed the door behind me.
The prospect of someone talking to me right now should have been even more maddening, but I was aching for attention and comfort. I wasn't angry anymore. Well, at myself only maybe. There was a large wooden garden bench pressed to the wall next to the small table where I placed the bowl of softening cereal. I laid down on the soft cushions.
I don't know how or why, but he was my best friend again, my leprechaun. How I wished I hadn't said anything, but sometimes the mouth keeps moving and the mind goes dead. How I wished we could just go out on a walk, be Niall and Liam...
I sat up and reached for my bowl just as Zayn closed the glass door behind him. I was still hungry, after all. I laid back and started eating miserably, mimicking Zayn. I didn't know what to think, a relentless turmoil that blustered inside my head and my body. It was the horrible, crushing, burning guilt, and the remorse along with it, and it was the devastating loss, and it was the dirty feeling and the shameful memories flashing everywhere, not of the night with Zayn, but of the other three encounters.
"Wow." I said quietly and shook my head, "I can't believe I did all of this and...I didn't even think about it...me of all people!"
Zayn sat down on the bench, and I scooted my legs so he could get comfortable. He didn't say anything. I looked at him pleadingly, but he was staring at his hands.
"Do you understand how bad I've fucked up...everything?! Everything I was trying to avoid, the things I feared the most...they are all reality, because of me...!" my eyes were watering already, my voice was lower, I sat forward.
"Calm down, please. And let me tell you how I see the situation." Zayn said and placed a comforting hand on my leg.
I slowly devoured my cereal, and finally Zayn spoke. His morning hair and the way the sun hit it was stunning. I am not ashamed to admit that, no. Because the night with Zayn...it was eventually going to happen, and I don't regret it. True, it was the last straw, but I desperately needed affection and emotion, and he was able to give me that. It's something I am grateful for, not something I feel bad about.
"Do you realize how stupid the whole argument was?" he didn't give me time to reply, but even if he had, I wouldn't have known what to say, "What you did was stupid - sleeping with so many girls, and...well, acting like an idiot. What he's doing is stupid as well, you said yourself, you can do whatever you feel like doing. I'm not taking his side, but I'm not taking yours either. It's just incredibly stupid and ridiculous."
He paused. I stared at him...open mouthed. Hearing Zayn's opinion for the first time...wow. I handed him my bowl so he could place it on the table, but he took a few spoonfulls himself before thoughtfully proceeding.
"And I understand that you're hurt, and that this is why you're doing and saying shit. But you gotta get a grip. And as for last night, do you..." he took a deep breath, I already wanted to put a hand on his slumped shoulders, "...do you feel-"
At that moment the glass door slid open and Harry stepped out with a steaming cup in his hand. Just as he was about to close the door though, a phone rung somewhere inside, and he turned and went back in without saying anything or leaving the cup.
"Harreh!" Zayn called, "Where didja goooo, Harreh?"
I chuckled to myself. Yeah, I actually did.
"So, I was saying, do you feel bad about what we did last night?" he asked, reeking of insecurity again.
"No, no, not at all. I actually feel great about it." his body visibly relaxed, "I am glad we did what we did. I told you last night, you gave me something I really needed. And you are...even more amazing in bed than people say. Even if we didn't do that much..."
I was blushing hardcore and he smiled, something on the border between a grin and a smirk.
"I'm glad." he said, "Don't worry. He was overreacting, and it will blow over, you'll see..."
I did feel much better. I let out a sigh of agreement.
"Wanna suck my dick in the meantime?" Zayn asked, but I wasn't in the mood to reply, "I'm serious, come on..."
Now he was grinning and I kicked him. He leaned back on the bench, we sat in silence. I was feeling relieved, I wanted to believe him that it will be fine. Of course I'd have to apologize because I fucked up so, so horribly, but...perhaps things aren't that bad. Please.
After five or ten minutes of sitting in silence, during which I was desperately trying to convince myself that I can fix this, that it will be fine, that I just have to talk to him, that I just have to be patient, Louis came out on the patio. He had a solemn look on his face and no matter how hard I tried to read it, I couldn't pick up on anything. He pulled a chair and sat close to the bench, facing us.
"I couldn't get him to tell me anything." he said once he was settled, "I tried again and again, with different approaches, but he seemed very pissed. He was just changing to go out."
"What took you so long then?" I asked, the familiar anxiety rising up inside of me, stronger than ever.
"Well, he did open up a little. He didn't say anything I didn't already know from your fighting, but one thing I can tell you for sure is that he is very hurt. I don't know what started this between you, but he's very hurt."
Ooooohhhhhh God...what have I done! I sat up, feet touching the warm stony floor, and clutched my head in my hands. Is it normal to feel this horrible for completely destroying your friendship with the one person that is basically all you've ever wanted? Is it normal that it hurts this much? How am I going to fix this, how am I going to make it right, I can't, I feel so, so exhausted! I'm not doing anything right! And for Christ's sake, I need a hug, because oh my God I haven't felt this lonely in ages, and it's all my fault!
My vision was already blurring, face growing hot, hands starting to tremble. I can't, I can't break down, but just for a second okay, because it hurts so much because it is my fault, because I need Niall to love me because he is so disappointed in me because what if he hates me, how am I gong to live, what what what have I done, why can't you love me Niall...
I hit my knees with my clutched fists hard and took a deep breath, trying to regain my composure, even though it had likely dispersed the moment I realized it was him whose steps had echoed from around the pool just a second ago. I lifted my gaze to see Louis watching me with a frown. Zayn was looking down at his hands, his countenance was sorrowfull. See?! I'm sitting here, trying to keep myself from crumbling to pieces and no one would even give me a hug...
"What is this all about? Why are you taking it so hard?" Louis asked, his eyes about to burn holes through me, why can't you be nice, "There is something I don't know, but I'm sure Zayn knows about. Also, did Harry bring tea? Where is he?"
"He came out here, but then his phone rang and he went back in." I said quietly.
"Is Niall the one guy you have romantic feelings for, is he the guy you fancy? Is that what this is all about?" he was turning more to Zayn than to me now.
Zayn, however, immediately gave me a questioning look, and I was thankful he didn't say anything. I doubt that my dignity would have been able to take another blow, I need to at least be able to explain my feelings, not shy away like a school girl.
"Pretty much." I said even more quietly, even though I tried to keep my chin up and look him straight in the eye. "But he doesn't know, and it's killing me because I should have told him a long, long time ago and if I had, none of this would be happening right now, because...because I was feeling so terribly jealous of Joanna and so fucking lonely, and I just...I.."
Where did that come from...Oh great, now I'm crying.
Yep, hot, unstoppable tears suddenly climbed over the threshold of my eyes. They proceeded on they journey down my cheeks, rolling at a fascinating speed and quickly dampening my legs. I tried holding them back, trust me, but the violent sobs just wouldn't stop shaking my body. I hid my face in my hands. How bad I wished someone would just reach out and place a comforting hand on my shoulder, so I can know that...that maybe it's not that bad. Well, no one did. The tears quickly withdrew, my dignity was seriously shrunken.
Louis seemed to grasp the sriousness of the situaion without a firther explanation. Thank you, Louis.
"This is bad. You need to talk to him." Louis said. No shit, man...
"I know, I will..but I wasn't thinking when I was with those girls, and when I said those things to him!" I tried explaining, they must understand, please.
"Yes, you weren't! That's why you have to talk to him, explain everything, tell him about your feelings and get this over with! You owe him a huge apology, and when you do apologize...things will be back to normal!" Zayn was raising his voice exasperatedly now, "he was wrong too, but-"
"Zayn! Zayn." Louis interrupted, and I was so grateful, "I know, I understand, but you still need to man up and apologize."
"I know, of course I will!" oh jeez...
Louis sighed. He stood up and gave me a small hug, but I realized I wouldn't be satisfied until it was Niall hugging me, whenever that might be.
No one said anything for a while. Then Harry came out with the same solemn look on his face as Louis. He had three steaming cups on a small tray.
"Oh, Louis. I didn't know you were here, I didn't bring a cup for you." he said and placed the tray on the table. Damn, he looked tired, "You can have mine. I'm sorry I took so long. My phone rang, and then I had to warm the whole thing up again."
He pulled a chair next to Louis. He looked exhausted, and I thought that this may be close to what_I_ looked like right now. Zayn handed me one of the cups and I thanked him. Louis was eyeing Harry concernedly.
"So what happened?" mister Curly asked.
"Niall went out, he wouldn't say anything." Louis answered and took a sip of his tea, "Mm, Harold, honey, I love you to bits and more, but this isn't tea. You will never learn..."
"Well...that doesn't sound good. And why are we drinking tea at 31 degrees outdoors temperature?"
"Because tea is relaxing."
Louis was right. For once. After a while of sipping the not sweet enough liquid, I felt like I could breathe again.
"Who was on the phone?" Zayn asked.
"Jess."
Louis sighed and closed his eyes as if to say "not this again".
"What happened?" Zayn asked tentatively this time.
Harry shrugged. He looks so tired.
"I didn't let her bitchy tricks get to me, but now...I don't know. I think we're supposed to be `taking a break'," he formed quotations with his fingers, "but I feel...terrible."
I could see Louis frown immediately.
"Come with me." he got up, "Let's go inside, to our room. Come on."
They headed inside. Louis' hand was on Harry's back. It made me sad. Where is my boy to console me?
I went around and did my morning routine even though it was past 1pm. I even did a few sit ups. I usually do a lot more in the mornings, but I just really didn't care that morning. I hadn't given a damn all week, so why should it matter now?
I was just getting done fixing my hair, when Zayn came to tell me they're going down to the beach. I declined his invitation. I said I'd stick around the house and wait for Niall.
And I did. For over three hours I paced all around the house. I tried reading. I tried listening to music. I tried sunbathing. I applied a little of the lotion Zayn'd given me to my balls. I tried swimming. I tried just standing there. I even tried sleeping. Nothing would take my mind off the incredible soft blond locks, the magnificent eyes, the ravishing laugh. I wallowed in remorse and loneliness. I ached to hear his voice, to touch his body, to feel his hands on mine. But. We know the last two would never happen.
Finally he came home. I mean, he came back. I just like to pretend he came home to me. I was in the kitchen fixing myself a grilled cheese sandwich when I heard the door close. I don't think he realized there was someone else in the house, but he went straight up the stairs. The peculiar thing was that he didn't slam the door, his footsteps were slow.
I removed the pan from the stove. I washed my hands with great precision. I straightened the plaid shirt I had put on and headed for the stairs. I didn't want to be too loud, but I didn't want to freak him out if he thought he is alone, so I was very careful in my steps. Setting foot at the top of the staircase, I realized I was trembling, bad.
He was out on the balcony when I entered the room, and he didn't seem to have heard me approaching. I hesitated at the door.
"Niall," I called, but not too loud because he might hear my voice shaking.
He was startled, undoubtedly, and there was something unreadable that crossed his face when he turned. But even after he saw it was me there was no more coldness in his eyes. Gone was the horrible distance between us, or so I hoped. I had to take the opportunity, I had to make this right.
"Please, don't, I mean, just please let me say what I need to say." I said, holding my hands up. He didn't look like he was about to try to run past me, but I had to make sure, "Please?"
He made a short movement with his hand, giving me permission to start with my speech. Something in his demeanor had changed dramatically. He looked lost, yes, that is the right word to describe the impression his slumped shoulders and slow, empty gaze gave. What have I done.
I took a few hesitant steps forward. I took a ragged breath. This is it.
"First of all, I want to apologize for everything I said this morning. I wasn't thinking. You are right to...be disappointed." my gaze met his and I could see his eyes filling with emotion, "I wasn't thinking, this whole week...it was crazy for me. You are absolutely right to be disappointed, and...disgusted even. I am terribly sorry for what I did. The question of whether you were right to express your disappointment this way is an entirely different one and-"
"What the hell do you mean I wasn't right to express my disappointment like this, what do you expect me to do, I tried telling you, showing you, you never even cared!" the rage was back in his movements, his plain blue shirt kept giving me glimpses of his chest when he waved his arms in short, sharp movements, "And then you're telling me I'm not being a good friend!"
"You never tried telling me, all you ever did was give me the silent treatment like...You never said anything!" I was mad now too.
"I did! I tried hinting, I tried talking to you!"
"Okay, please, this is a big misunderstanding, let me explain. It doesn't matter whether you tried to talk to me or not, I'm terribly sorry for everything I did and for the way I acted. And...there is a reason for my...my actions, it's-"
"I don't give a shit about your reasons, your stupid reasoning and logic and-! I don't fucking care anymore!"
Oh how angry he was! The blue oceans in his eyes were boiling! And all because of me, because of me, because of-
"I don't give a shit about what you do, I can't believe you of all people would be the one going around fucking whores, and I don't care about your reasons because no reasons can justify it, I am so...so_disgusted_!"
He was spitting the words now and I felt so pathetic because he was right, and you should have seen the utter despise in his eyes! All I wanted to do is go back in time and fix this, because now my boy, he hates me!
"You have no idea how hard I want to hit you right now, oh my God, you of all people to do this!"
He stared at me, breathing heavily, nostrils flaring, hair a mess, while I was on the verge of tears. I could feel my face changing into a completely broken grimace. The he stepped forward, grabbed my arm tightly and I thought he was going to hit me. I didn't try to escape the blow, I fucking deserve it, but instead he brought his face closer and smashed his lips on mine. He jumped back, eyes wide, while my head was spinning in shock.
"You did this to me! You did this to me, oh my God, I am sick of this, I AM SO SICK OF THIS!" he was screaming, his hand was in his hair and his face had a look of horror, "I am so sick of this, of the feelings, and of you, mostly of YOU!"
He stormed out of the room and left me completely dumbfounded. I slumped down on the bed. I can't begin to explain the shock I was experiencing. My thoughts were spinning so fast, his hatred, his disgust, but the kiss, and I did it to him? I tried to think about this or that but oh my god, my head was about to explode! And then I heard his footsteps, he was coming back. I stood up, ready to let a flood of apologies out of my mouth, to please, please make this right.
He entered the room. The first thing I noticed about him was his eyes. They were moist, they were full of tears, and so much sadness. Again he looked tired, he looked broken. I couldn't speak, but I didn't need to. His hand gripped my biceps again, much lighter now, and his other hand he placed on the side of my face.
"I'm so sorry." he said softly.
Before I could say anything, he moved in and placed his lips on mine again. It was so much different this time. No, the world did not explode in fireworks, but it did go silent. It was only me and Niall in the vast expanse of the infinity, but that was fine, because his lips were the most astonishingly soft thing I had ever come in contact with. My heart was beating slowly, in sync with his, and I thought I could hear the tender sound of violins. The world was a beautiful place.
This kiss, my first ever true kiss with Niall, was the best kiss I have ever had, in my whole entire life. It was wonderful, it was spectacular, incredible and marvelous! It sent my body shaking and my head spinning.
My boy pulled away, but not too far away. He was smiling softly. His hair was glowing, I could see every little detail about his brilliantly beautiful face, from the threads of darker blue in the irises of his eyes, to the tiny dimple in the corner of his mouth. My vision blurred again, and I wrapped my arms around him in a great hug. I felt his holding me tightly. The world was a just and perfect place then. Everything was right where it belonged, Niall in my embrace, me in his.
"I am sorry too. So much. I'm sorry. I've missed you so much."
I lost track of time. It could have been minutes, it could have been days. I had closed my eyes, I was only feeling now, soaking in the breathtaking aroma of his hair. His body was soft, but strong too, and I was melting into him the way he was melting into me. I felt home.
Finally, he released me. He was smiling his radiant smile. The fluttering feeling in my chest rose to fabulously pleasant levels. I took his hand and we sat on his side of the bed. It wasn't awkward, not anymore. At first he was smiling at his hands, but then he met my happy eyes.
"What now?" he asked quietly.
"I have no idea." I laughed, "I..."
"Can we not talk about it? Yet?"
He was still smiling, even of uncertainly, and that is what encouraged me.
"Sure."
His gaze kept boldly going to my lips, so I leaned in again. We shared a few short, tender kisses and I was the happiest man on Earth because this, this is everything my whole being had ached for in the past what, six months? Our noses were left touching, we were both smiling.
"Nap time?" he asked in his lovely accent.
I grinned like the happy fool I was.
I took off my shirt so as not to get it all wrinkled. Niall, my beautiful leprechaun, was already sprawled on his side of the bed. He wore a calm, inviting smile. His eyes shamelessly traveled down my body. His lips parted slightly. Snapping out of the short daze, I climbed into bed.
I wasn't sure if I should go ahead and hug him. I wasn't sure of anything, but it all seemed surreal, as if it was a dream. I didn't dare pinch myself. I pulled my covers up over my body and rolled on my side to face him. We kissed slowly and tenderly again. Then he moved his body closer to mine, settled on his back and closed his angelic eyes. Now it felt right to put my hand in his, the one between our pillows. He squeezed it briefly.
Was it a dream? I didn't care. It felt right, it felt remarkable. I grinned blissfully one last time before letting myself fall asleep next to Niall.
-
Sleep was being shaken off of my relaxed body. I opened my eyes and Niall's frowning face filled my vision.
"We need to talk about this. Get up."
Shit. I knew it was too good to last!
I rubbed my eyes and sat up. My wristwatched showed 6:30. We hadn't slept for that long, after all. He wasn't in the room anymore. I was so scared.
Niall was sitting on the couch, the TV was off and the house was quiet, but I could see the boys' flipflops all lined up near the door. I hovered worriedly at the door.
"Where do you want to talk...?" I asked.
He was startled, but I could tell he was not mad, at all. He got up.
"Let's go out, I need some fresh air." he hobbled past me.
We were just stepping on the cooling sand when he spoke again.
"Can we go get something to drink first? And the we'lll...find a place to talk." his voice was unusually quiet and my heart broke all over again.
The store was dim. Niall asked me if I'd like something as well, and we said gracias, hasta pronto to the man behind the counter with a bottle of coke each.
We walked towards the house in silence. I didn't dare say anything, it was all up to him because what if I screw things up again. It was all up to him now.
He didn't stop at the turn to our place, I followed. I was terrified at this point. In my head I was preparing myself for shouts and cruel, stabbing words, ugly scenes and faces, tears. We walked a little further and he pointed to a pleasant looking shady spot where the trees gave way to sand.
I didn't speak. Even if I had tried to, I would have discovered that my voice was hiding too. I could sense it would be him to speak first anyways. No, it wasn't awkward. In his eyes, I could see that the lost Niall had returned.
The sun and the ocean had began their games and the waves at the horizon were already biting playfully at the lower parts of the fire disc. The water was shimmering. A slight breeze rolled all around. I kept sneaking furtive glances at Niall's lips, recalling the thrilling magic of the moments when we had kissed. Why? It was too good to last.
"I am so confused. We need to talk about this." he said quietly, and surprised me with a tiny nercous smile. I tried one of my own, "Like...really talk about everything. And be completely honest. About everything."
"Okay. Where do you want me to start? Or would you like to start?" I offered. I was ready to do anything.
"I think I should begin." his voice was soft, "I am so, so sorry about everything I said today. I wasn't right, I was completely wrong. And I am terribly sorry. But...I have my reasons too." he smiled bitterly, apologetically, and I shrugged reassuringly, "I was extremely jealous. It was so stupid of me, but..."
I think it was that soft tone that vaporized all of my fears. The nervous gestures, the worried expression. He had changed his shirt to a plain white one. I wanted to hug him so, so bad, but I knew I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to.
"Because...I have this massive crush on you." he said and my breath caught in my throat, and he was blushing, but he did look at me briefly, "And I don't know what to make of it. I guess I've always had something for you. Brotherly love, admiration...you know? And I think I started to become aware of my feelings when we were at the States. I thought you felt the same. I mean, the way you'd look at me sometimes, you gestures, and everything...And then the way you acted when...when we got into that fight at the club, you know."
It was my turn to turn red. I was staring at the sand between my legs, the shadows our bodies cast in the setting sun. In the distance a family, several families maybe with their children were packing their belongings. But he likes me too?
"It was like signals you didn't want me to notice, but I kept picking up on. And it made me so confusedm I didn't know what to make of anything! What if I was just imagining things? What if I fucked everythng up? And I just couldn't see how it would work out, if you felt the same. I still can't. It's crazy."
He shook his head. My poor, poor boy.
The sky was painted in colors from many different parts of the painter's palette. It was mesmerizing, just like Niall's face. Directly above us it was a pale blue which then received a pinkish shade, and getting closer to the sun which hurriedly gave way to a warm night, one could see a million tints of yellow and a burning orange with the pinkish shade to it, and then there still were a few blue patches. The breeze was getting stronger. From the southeast a stormy mass of clouds was approaching.
So I did have a chance. So there was room for happiness after all. I can't miss my chance. I have to cling to this. My life depends on it.
"I...became aware of my feelings for you in the beginning of the year. And I thought it was just a crush, but it...just kept growing." I smiled uneasily, "It was just torturing me in the past...month. And I kept wanting to tell you, but I couldn't find the courage too. I was absolutely convinced you did not feel the same."
"I do." he interrupted, "I kind of do..."
"Yeah, and that makes me so inexplicably happy! And...I want to be with you. If you want to be with me, that is." my fingers were playing with eachother nervously, the same way his were.
The breeze got even stronger. We didn't speak for some time.
"I can't see it." he was shaking his head again and my heart dropped.
"I...okay, listen..." I took a deep breath, "You are incredible and beautiful and gorgeous. Absolutely fabulous and breathtaking...in everything you do." I stressed each word and struggled to keep my eyes on his, "I am absolutely head over heels for you. It's kinda weird, but lately you're my whole world. You're my best friend, my brother, but my love runs deeper than that. Please, understand." I was literally begging now, almost in tears from the confession of my deepest thoughts and feelings, "You're just...you're so amazing."
I felt that the end of my speech was somewhat lame, but I think he got the message. His eyes were moist again, but he was smiling too. That dazzling radiant smile...
"It is just so crazy." he said quietly again.
"It is! So let's try, please! You were right, I think way too much, and this is crazy, so let's try! Please!"
I mustered up the courage to bring my trembling hand to his. He twitched, but then squeezed my fingers back and I let out a breath of relief. The sun was gone now.
"What about parents, fans?"
"We can keep it to ourselves for now. We don't have to tell them. Let's just try, please."
"We will have to tell the boys. We can't keep it from them. They will understand."
"Of course! Of course."
His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed. His beautiful face was lit up by an astonishing smile again when it turned to me. The whole population of butterflies in Spain had migrated to my stomach. Warmth spread through my whole body. I leaned in. Our lips touched once, twice before the kiss could be called a kiss. It was just as phenomenal as our first one. I felt like my being was waking up from a deep slumber, like a flower was blossoming within me.
We kissed slowly and tenderly, lovingly, without opening our eyes. Then he opened his mouth to my tongue and the kiss deepened. We were making up for all the times we'd wanted to do this, but hadn't had the chance to. My hand was on his waist, his was on my arm.
We broke the kiss and finished with a few sweet pecks. I am more than certain I will never meet a better kisser than Niall. Mainly because I couldn't love anyone else as much as I love him.
We were both smiling like fools. He moved closer to me. I moved my arm to his shoulders and squeezed him to my body. Niall, my Niall, my leprechaun, my boy. I was the happiest man alive.