This story contains involves the relationship of two teenage boys, if you find this offensive or it's illegal for you to be reading this, don't! All the usual rules apply. This story is copyrighted by Mistak3n. Comments are welcome at: mistak3n@hotmail.com
If someone were to ask me to describe myself in one word, I would say, "sad". Of course I've learnt how to hide this from everyone. It's almost scary how easy that is to do now. It's like second nature to me. I don't allow my mind to drift on thoughts of my sadness often. I guess I'm getting good at fooling myself too.
All of it is the fact that I'm lonely. Don't get me wrong, I have my small group of friends who are always there for me, and a very loving family but even when I'm with them I can't help but feel alone inside. Maybe it's typical of me to think that way, being a teenager and all, but that doesn't really help the situation for me. I don't remember a time when I was truly happy. And that maybe is the most depressing thing to realize.
"Alex?" I glanced up at the voice and saw my best friend, Nick standing there.
"What?"
He laughed, "Um, are we gonna go to lunch or were you just going to take this class again next period?"
I looked at him confused before realizing I was still sitting at my desk, and the classroom was empty. Sighing loudly I gathered up my books and shoved them into my backpack.
"Are you alright?" Nick asked as we headed for the door.
"Yep. I just zoned out there."
Kids for the next class in that room started to come in as we tried to make our way out. We had to stand back and let them through. I had my eyes on the ground watching everyone's feet stream by when I felt someone run into me. It was a hard enough collision to push me back against the blackboard.
Surprised, I looked up, and into the eyes of the most beautiful human being in the entire world. I'm not exaggerating. No really. He had short brown hair that was a complete mess, and green/blue eyes that just stared into my own. He was about the same height as me. I noticed he was smiling and I realized I was doing the same.
"Sorry." He said quietly. "I'm Jeremy. I just moved here."
"Hi." I said shyly.
Damn my shyness! I wanted to do something drastic like pounce him right there. I wonder how he'd react to that! I felt like I should continue this conversation but I had no idea what to say. So I just stared. He didn't move either. I felt Nick pulling at my arm trying to get me to move.
Yeah right. I was like a mountain. Well until reality hit me and I realized I really had to get a move on before they started this class and I really did end up taking it again just so I could stare at Jeremy.
Finally, we were able to get out and into the hallway.
"You do that a lot, you know." Nick said.
"What's that?" Run into HOT guys?
"Zone out like that."
"Oh." I started walking faster. Nick kept pace with me.
"You know you can talk to me, right?"
"Yep."
"I'm serious, Alex." He pulled my arm causing me to stop. I faced him.
"I know. Come on, I'm hungry." I went to move in the direction of the cafe but he pulled my arm again.
"Do you want to go somewhere and talk?" He asked looking me in the eye. I hated when he did that. It felt like he could see everything I refused to say aloud.
"No. I want to go eat."
"Alright."
He looked upset with me and I hated myself for doing that to him. I knew he wouldn't understand me. I was sure he'd try to and he'd be there for me, but he just wouldn't completely get me. He kept stealing glances at me on the way to the cafe, and more in lunch line. When we got to our table I couldn't take it anymore.
"Nick! For fuck's sakes stop looking at me. I'm fine, alright?" I said watching Jeremy walk into the cafe holding his tray of food. He surveyed the room before sitting down with the arty kids. Hmm, an artist eh?
"You're not fine."
Jared and Ethan showed up at the table. For once I was eternally grateful to see them. I greeted them with a huge smile. They looked at me funny.
"What's with you?" Ethan asked as he took a seat next to Nick. Jared sat next to me.
"Nuthin."
"We were in the middle of a private conversation." Nick said, not taking his eyes off me. I glared at him.
"No we weren't." Yeah. Real nice. That's convincing.
Jared and Ethan exchanged glances.
"Whatever, dude." Jared said.
He started talking about the algebra final coming up. I never understood why people take such hard courses like that and then complain about them. I figure it was their choice to be in the class in the first place. But, I was happy for the change in topics. Nick pretended to be interested in the conversation during lunch with Jared and Ethan but I knew he was thinking of me.
They talked the entire lunch period. I said nothing. I have no idea what they talked about either. I was preoccupied thinking about Nick being preoccupied with thinking of me. Yeah. I'm weird. I know.
I somehow managed to make it through to the end of the day. Nick and I didn't share any more classes so it was easy enough to avoid him. Only problem was he usually drove me home after school. Honestly, I have no idea why I was making a serious effort to not run into him. I mean it's not like I was mad at him. I just didn't want to face any questions he might have. I was afraid when he looked at me, he'd seen my secrets. My being gay. My loneliness. My depression. My pathetic ness...Sigh.
Ah Nick, so dependable. There he was standing by my locker, waiting to take me home. I briefly considered turning around and running the other way. Instead, I walked over to my locker and unlocked it without so much as glancing at him.
"I don't know why you're mad at me." He broke the silence.
"I'm not." I said quickly. Damn. I knew he'd think I was mad.
"Alright." He said that so sadly I looked at him. He was staring at the floor. Argh, I'm such a bastard sometimes.
"Look, Nick, can we go to your place or something?"
"Sure, yeah."
I got my shit together and we walked out to his car. The drive to his place was in complete silence. Well besides the radio which was blaring Korn, our favourite band. I just stared out the window and watched the sky.
We got inside his house and went to his room. He shut the door behind him. I sat down on his bed and instantly started talking.
"Nick, I'm sorry ok? I just don't think you'd understand everything going on in my head. I mean, I know everyone's got issues, or whatever. I just, I don't know."
"Well share your issues, Alex." He said softly sitting next to me on his bed.
I laughed to myself. Right. Like it's that easy to just open your heart to someone.
"I've known you forever man. Have I ever turned my back on you?" He asked.
"No."
"Well then you know I never will. No issues you have, no thoughts in that head of yours would ever change that."
Wow. He was almost convincing talking like that. I almost spilled my soul to him. It's so hard for me to do that. To cope with my own feelings or to allow someone else to hear them. I didn't want to let him know what was going on in my head. I didn't want him to know my secrets. I had too many.
I let the silence fill the room for a while before speaking. "I don't think I can."
"You can. You're sad, aren't you Alex?" I looked at him in disbelief.
What did he just say? How could he just blurt that out?
I tried to laugh but it came out sounding weak and tortured.
"Why are you sad?" He turned so he was facing me.
I stopped breathing. Was the room spinning? Is this what fainting feels like? What's wrong with me?
"Alex?"
"I...I'm not..."
I felt his arms wrap around me and the warmth of his body against my own. It felt so comforting. And I realized I wanted to tell him everything and just how much I had been keeping from him all this time. All the fake smiles I put on. All the fake conversations I held with him. All this pretending I'd perfected for so long. I wanted to end the act and have one person know me for who I am.
"Why are you sad?" He whispered. He hadn't removed his arms from around me. This was the most physical contact we've ever had together in the entire ten years I've known him. It was a bit shocking in a good way.
"Nick, I'm so depressed." I managed to say. Well, that was a start. It felt good to admit it out loud to someone.
I felt Nick slowly rubbing my back. It totally relaxed me.
"Why?"
"I don't know. I have no reason to be." Ok big lie. Big, big lie. I knew why. Of course I did! I was lonely! And I was lonely because I didn't have anyone! I didn't have anyone because I couldn't have who I wanted to! I couldn't because I was gay! I thought of relaying this to Nick then thought better of it. I could just picture him jumping away from me and throwing me out of his house. I'd be outed to the entire school and my family and be completely shunned by the entire planet! No, no, no bad idea!
"Alex there has to be a reason. I just want to be here for you okay? I swear to you nothing you say could ever make me hate you."
"I think I'm gay." Oh. My. God. I just blurted it out. Like I was saying, the sky's blue. I stood up quickly. Nick stood with me.
"I'm gonna go." I headed for the door.
"Wait, Alex! I know. I've known for a while."
I stopped in my tracks. What! He knew! How did he know?! "You knew?"
"Well no, I mean I thought maybe you were I didn't know for sure. I've seen you check out guys a few times. And how you just sort of ignore the girls who are all over you."
"God, Nick." Was this really happening? I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
"I'm fine with it. Honestly Alex. Nothing will change between us." He sat back down on the bed. "But that can't be it. That can't be the only reason you're sad, is it?"
"No I guess not." I said slowly. "Nick, your really okay with this?" I was in shock still.
"Yes!"
We both laughed a little. I felt so relieved. Nick was such an awesome friend. I moved back to the bed and sat down next to him.
"I'm just lonely." I admitted sadly.
"It must be hard on you. Not like you can just announce your gay or something and wait for the guys to pour in."
I laughed at the thought. "Are you saying I couldn't get a guy?" I teased.
He smiled. "You know what I meant!"
"I can't just say to someone I like them. I'll get called a fag and so much shit will happen." I got serious. I decided to let Nick in.
"You can't be the only gay guy at our school man. It's just that they're all afraid to come out too." Nick said.
"Great. Like a secret society where the members don't even know who belong to it."
"Yeah it's so fucked."
I sighed loudly. Funny how I wasn't any less depressed about my situation, but by just talking to Nick about it I was feeling better. Like I didn't have to deal with it alone.
"Things happen, Alex. You know? Sometimes everything can change in a moment, and your life is changed forever." He pulled me into a hug. I didn't want to let him go.
No sex yet, but if I continue we'll see what develops. Is something going to happen between Alex and Jeremy? Is Nick really cool with Alex being gay?
Worth continuing? Let me know at mistak3n@hotmail.com :)