In the Direction of Happiness

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to individuals, living or dead, is pure coincidence. Do no read this story if you are offended by man-to-man romance or sex. Do not read if you are underage according to laws in the country, state/province, county, city/town/village or township where you live.

This is a love story. I've attempted to create a tale where the characters are involved in living life to its fullest. Although sex is part of this story, so are romance, pain and self-realization. I hope you enjoy it.

I like to receive e-mail and will attempt to answer all messages. Mail to: rustynail920@yahoo.com

IN THE DIRECTION OF HAPPINESS - PART 3

Chapter 7 - Gary

I decided that the course of wisdom would be to bury myself in my new and exciting job. Later that morning, I was in the greenhouse taking cuttings from various perennials, when Dan walked in. The kiss that he'd witnessed the night before came to mind. I felt embarrassed and was certain that he had come to quit.

"Mr. Houston, do you have a minute? I'd like to talk with you."

"Yes Dan, I'd like to talk with you too. I'll be right with you." I wiped off my cutting knife and walked over to Dan.

"Let's go to the house and have a cup of coffee while we talk."

Dan took a seat on the porch and I poured us each a cup.

"Please call me Steve. We're about the same age and Mr. Houston doesn't sound quite right."

"Steve, about last night, it's cool. I was surprised, is all. I know I must have looked totally stupid with my mouth wide open and staring at you."

"No Dan, you didn't look stupid at all, but I sure felt stupid. I didn't know that anybody was still here. I don't usually go around kissing men, or women, for that matter. I'm really sorry if it was awkward for you.

You will be seeing a lot of Mark around here. We've been friends for years. We met in college and we've been close ever since. I love him very much, simple as that."

"Steve, it's fine with me. Mark and I talked before you got home. He's real cool and I like him. Actually I'm envious. I wish I had somebody special in my life. I haven't had a girlfriend for over a year and I'm lonely. But anyway, that isn't what I want to talk with you about. I was just wondering if there is any possibility of getting some more work? I love my job and would be happy to help out more. Mr. Martin kept a real tight budget and always had his kids to help him. With you being by yourself, I thought you might need some more help."

"Dan, you must have read my mind. That's what I wanted to talk with you about. I'm hoping to publish a mail order catalog and I'll need to spend considerable time putting it together. How many hours can you work weekly?"

"Full time is fine with me, at least for now."

Over the next few weeks Dan and I became pretty good friends. We'd work together all-day and then go out for a drink in the evening. There's a tavern nearby that we really enjoy. We'd often go there for a beer and to play darts.

Between work and Dan's company, I kept myself occupied and didn't dwell constantly on Mark's absence. It was about that time when I got involved with the Connie Latham ministry. As negative as that turned out, I remained busy. It's also about the same time that I met Gary.

Sunday morning I decided to attend church. There is a small Lutheran church a short distance from my house. Brought up in the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, a rather moderate synod, I was mildly apprehensive when I learned that this congregation was part of the fundamental Missouri synod. My fears were unfounded and I soon felt comfortable with the familiar liturgical setting.

I was warmly welcomed by many in the small congregation and I stayed for the potluck lunch following the service. Most everybody knew of the Martin Nursery and they were pleased to meet the man who bought the business and property. Several young women approached me and I was invited to an upcoming social event. Evidently the congregation was joining with several local churches for an ecumenical picnic that would be held at Hart Park the following Saturday. I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend so I didn't commit.

One of the women who approached me seemed determined to become better acquainted, so I decided to sit with her while we ate. Her name was Patti and she was very pretty. Although I'm certainly not the typical male, I sometimes behave like one. I couldn't take my eyes off her tits. They were beautiful, not large, but round and full. I could see the outline of her nipples through her blouse and I fought the urge to stare.

Patti was quite chatty and seemed to know a little bit about everybody in the congregation. Somehow she felt it was her mission to share all of the gossip with me. I tried to appear interested but soon regretted my decision to sit with her.

"Excuse me Patti, but I have some business to discuss with our young visitor. I'm sure he will be happy to join you shortly."

I looked up to see a handsome man, probably about 40 years old, smiling at me while extending his hand.

"My name is Gary Thompson and I thought you might need rescuing. I apologize if I was mistaken."

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "She's very nice but she sure can talk. I'm Steven Houston and I'm pleased to meet you. I recently purchased the Martin nursery and I'm looking for a church home."

"Well I hope you enjoy Saint Luke's. I'm not a member of this congregation. I'm visiting as part of the Lutheran Lay Renewal program. My membership is at Trinity Lutheran in Pasadena. My first visit to Saint Luke's was last Sunday, when I too was cornered by Patti. I glanced in your direction several times and saw you looking increasingly desperate, so decided to give you a hand. I also noticed you struggle as you tried not to stare at her breasts," Gary said with a wry smile.

"Was I that obvious?" I asked.

"Probably not to anybody else. I enjoy observing people and their behavior. I'm a writer and it goes with the job."

I liked Gary. I could tell that his faith was deep and genuine. We talked at length about the church and its role in society. Gary questioned the viability of any institution that stressed obedience to rules, at the expense of a living faith. He feared that was the road our more fundamental brethren were taking these days. He's also a liberal thinker and I could tell he probably found himself at odds with many aspects of Christian dogma. We sat talking until the custodian appeared and told us they were ready to clean up.

I was hoping I would see Gary at the next service but he told me this was his last week visiting Saint Luke's. He must have felt the same way about me because he invited me to his home for dinner the following Saturday. I decided to visit Gary instead of attending the church picnic.

Gary lives in Pasadena. The moment I walked into his house I felt a sense of peacefulness. His home is tastefully decorated, with beautiful paintings, etchings and lithographs displayed in each room. Dinner was delightful. I soon learned that he had a flair for cooking. He prepared Beef Wellington, asparagus with cream sauce and baby red potatoes. He served the finest Pinot Noir I'd ever tasted.

Dinner conversation was mostly about the church. Gary felt that the simple redemptive message of the gospel was being perverted by televangelists who were replacing God's grace, with man made rules designed to manipulate the faithful. Salvation was no longer based on faith in the finished work of Jesus Christ, but by following spiritual steps and good works.

He was particularly concerned about the alliance between the fundamental voices within the church and the political right wing. Pat Robertson and Jesse Helms were wolves in sheep's clothing, according to Gary. He foresaw a powerful church state that would dictate morality through legislation. He repeatedly voiced his concern, that the strides made by minorities and women would be, "sacrificed on the altar of imposed morality."

After dinner, we moved into the living room. He asked me if I would like to sample his collection of after dinner liqueurs. I was amazed. Most of the libations I'd never heard of. Over the years I would end up trying them all. That night I enjoyed a strong scotch based liqueur called Gleva. Gary explained that it was made by combining a good single-malt scotch with fermented honey.

Gary turned the conversation toward me. He was very curious about my business and was quite knowledgeable about horticulture. He wanted to know about me personally. If anybody else had asked me the questions he did, I would probably have been offended. But I felt comfortable with Gary, and found myself opening up to him. I knew his curiosity was genuine, and talking with him felt good.

"Do you have a special person in your life?" he asked.

Before I could answer, he told me that he had just ended a long time relationship with a lover. He didn't say divorce, so I assumed he had not been married. I also, although I'm not sure why, felt his lover was a man.

"It was the most traumatic thing I've ever endured. It will be a long time, if ever, before I'll do that again," he said. I could see pain in his eyes.

"I'm very sorry Gary. Love and pain seem to walk hand in hand, but I think I'll take it over loneliness," I said. "I do have somebody special in my life, but it is very complicated and frankly, I don't know if I can talk about it yet."

"If you ever need an ear to bend, I hope you'll consider mine. I feel a special kinship with you."

"Thanks, I feel the same way. I'm very comfortable talking with you. Don't take this the wrong way, but you're like a loving father or, maybe, a good pastor."

"I hope you're not saying that just because I'm so old," he said smiling.

"No, not at all. I say it because you're kind and genuine. Two characteristics I value highly in people. I don't have many friends, by choice. I thoroughly enjoy my work, which takes up most of my time, and when it comes to relationships, I'll take quality over quantity any day. I do consider you my friend."

It was getting late, so I thanked Gary for both his hospitality and friendship. He surprised me by giving me a warm hug before walking me to my car. We promised to stay in touch, with plans to meet at my house in two weeks, for a tour of the nursery and dinner. I warned him that my cooking skills didn't extend past the barbecue, but he assured me that would be fine.

My friendship with Gary is very important to me and remains strong. He has always made himself available to me and we've shared our deepest thoughts, hopes, and fears. He's taught me so much about genuine spirituality and living life to its fullest. Through him I eventually came to understand that, "sin is anything you allow to come between yourself and God." It has nothing to do with a set of religious beliefs or cosmic do's and don'ts. He also taught me to enjoy single malt scotch. On both counts I'll always be grateful.

Mark and I spoke on the phone everyday since our memorable night together. On Tuesday flowers arrived with a note that said, "To the love of my life." On Friday a parcel was delivered by U.P.S. The small box contained a pair of white boxer shorts covered with little red hearts. The accompanying note said, "for the next time we're together."

I knew Mark was struggling with this, the most important decision of his life. Yet through it all, he did everything possible to assure me of his love. Finally, after two weeks had passed, I couldn't take the suspense any longer. I called him at work.

"Mark, do you have a minute to talk."

"Hi Stevie, yes I do. What's up?"

"Mostly I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you. How are things with Barbara?"

"I've made a decision. I've wanted to talk with you, but I've been afraid of how you will react. I can't imagine what will happen to me if you don't understand my decision."

There was a long and awkward pause.

"You told me to do what is best, for myself. I hope I've done that."

"Good. Whatever you've decided, you needn't worry. Nothing has changed with me. I can only be truly happy if I know that you are following your heart. Do you want to tell me now?"

"I guess I should. Steven, I'm doing what I believe is right, for me. That does not mean I'm following my heart. There is a difference.

My heart would have me move in with you. My heart tells me that I don't need anything that you can't give me. My heart tells me that there is nobody in this world for me, apart from you. My heart tells me that I'm hopelessly in love with you, forever. But, I know if I abandon my child, I will be haunted the rest of my life. Living with that kind of torment, I would run the risk of ruining any chance of happiness we would have together. I'm not willing to take that chance. I'd rather live a life of loneliness than do anything that would hurt you Steven.

Barbara has quit her job at the Base. She has accepted an executive secretary position for a real estate development company in Idaho. Her job starts in three weeks. She's told me that she will stay in California, and allow me to be part of our child's life, but only if I marry her. Otherwise she will leave and do everything she can to prevent me from ever seeing my child. She's tightened the screws and has left me with little choice. I've agreed to marry her. Romantic, huh?"

I wasn't surprised, yet my heart momentarily failed. Mark was left with little choice. Being the man that he is, I knew he couldn't live with himself if he failed his child.

"Mark, I understand and I respect the decision you've made."

"Stevie, I'm in love with you, not Barbara. I still want to get together. I hope nothing has changed in your heart. You promised me that nothing would change. We vowed that we would continue to make time for each other and express our love physically - just like we did the other night. Please tell me nothing has changed."

"You'll soon have very important responsibilities to meet. I won't stand between you and those obligations. But I will always support you and love you. Nothing has changed between us, but the situation has changed."

And that is how we left it. We both knew that nothing would ever compromise our love, but we accepted the fact that we would be apart.

Mark and Barbara married two weeks later. It was a simple civil service and I was on hand as the witness. On March 3, 1990, Patrick Steven Williams was born.

Mark was the poster child advocating fatherhood. Pride was written across his face. The love he felt for his son was apparent in everything he did. It's a good thing.

Although Barbara loved young Patrick, the real reason for his birth was painfully clear. His conception, birth, and young life, were orchestrated attempts to control and manipulate Mark. The only way she knew how to keep Mark was to manipulate his conscience. It was very hard for me to keep my mouth shut and allow them to be a family, dysfunctional as it was. Gary was an enormous help during those difficult times.

One evening, several months after Mark and Barbara were married, I desperately needed to talk with somebody. I was deeply depressed and losing interest in my work. Dan and Karen noticed the change and were concerned. They both spoke with me about it but I didn't feel I could open up with them. I think Dan had an idea what was wrong with me. He stayed close by, and went the extra mile to help me out.

I remembered Gary's offer to, "bend his ear," if ever I needed to talk. By then I had total trust in Gary and knew I could tell him everything. I called him and asked if he could join me for dinner anytime soon.

"Yes, I'd love to. When?"

"Any evening that works for you, the sooner the better."

Right away he picked up on my need. "What's wrong Steven? You sound troubled."

"I am and I need to talk with somebody I can trust. I really want to talk with you Gary. Do you mind?"

"Of course I don't mind. How about tomorrow, around 6:00 p.m.?"

Gary arrived as promised. I ordered a pizza. I told him everything about my relationship with Mark. I explained my confusion regarding my sexuality and voiced my fear of spending the rest of my life alone.

"I don't think Mark made the right decision," Gary said. "Their marriage is designed to fail. By being open with their feelings, they both believe they are being honest. But they are being truthful in word only, not in deed.

Real honesty begins in the heart and is displayed through everyday actions and deeds. That is love. Mark doesn't love Barbara and Barbara only thinks she loves Mark. She needs counseling, not a husband and child. They may stay together for a month, ten years, or who knows, maybe the rest of their lives. But they will never be happy, and the child will ultimately pay the highest cost.

Why did you let Mark get away from you?"

"I thought he needed to make the decision himself, and I didn't want to be responsible for regrets later in life."

"You were right to let him make the decision himself, but I see four people living their lives without God's greatest gift - love."

"Four?"

"Yes. Mark, Barbara, the child, and you.

"What should I have done differently?"

"I don't know. Lord knows, I'm the last person to give advice. Look at me, I live alone and I'm afraid of giving my heart to anybody. All I know is this; you and Mark are in love, and I sense that this is just the beginning of the story.

Do you feel like dating?"

"No. I can't imagine sharing that part of my heart with another man."

"What about a woman?"

"Huh?"

"Steven, you say you're bisexual. You've already had sexual relations with a woman. The day we met, I watched you staring at a young woman's breasts. Do you think there might be room in your life for sex, with a woman? You have sexual needs Steven. They will need to be met. Why not a woman? I wish I had that option."

"No Gary, I don't think so. On some level I'm attracted to women, but my preference is for men. My fantasies rarely involve women and when they do, there is usually a man involved. I enjoy feminine beauty, but I rarely want it to progress past appreciation. I've never thought of myself as Gay, but in all honesty, I don't want to have another relationship with a woman.

What did you mean when you said, "I wish I had that option?" I asked.

"My lover's name was Greg. We were together for 12 years. I've never had sex with a woman and I've never had the desire. I'm Gay, totally and completely Gay. I enjoy women's company. I find them to be sensitive and more in tune with their Creator than most men. They just don't excite me sexually. I sometimes wish I were bisexual."

"For some reason I suspected that you were Gay, but wasn't sure. How do you reconcile your life style with your faith? The church is adamant in its stand against homosexuality. The Old Testament and even St. Paul's writings are so homophobic. It seems to me that the church has scriptural authority supporting their views."

"First off, I don't give a shit what the church or St. Paul think of my life style. I'm not accountable to the church, Paul or anybody else. I'm accountable to God only. This is who I am, and I believe this is how God created me to be. As I've said so many times, my only sin is that which separates me from Jesus Christ. If I pretend to be anything other than who I am, then I'm lying to myself and to God. For me, that would be the real sin.

I don't remember a time that I wasn't attracted to men. Even as a young child in the Midwest, I knew that I liked men. I loved looking at the young guys that helped on my parent's farm. By the time I was a teenager, I'd started masturbating while fantasizing about the farm hands. When I was 16, I had a totally satisfying sexual relationship with one of them.

Second, I believe that Scripture is one way that God communicates with us. It offers insight into God's patience and long suffering for his people. It portrays his amazing love and introduces us to his Son. It illustrates his personal and redemptive nature, and offers hope. But, it's not infallible, and, it's not the only way God chooses to speak with us. There are other writings that also communicate God's desire for his creation. He speaks through science. He speaks through nature. He speaks to us through each other. But above all else, he speaks to our hearts. And Steven, I know in my heart, that I'm a Gay man who is loved by the Creator of the universe."

Gary's words have carried me through many dark and questioning hours. Although I remained unsure about my sexuality, I no longer worried that God was mad at me or, ashamed of me. It was the beginning of a viable faith that helped me during the difficult days following my dramatic departure from Connie Latham and her ministry.

Mark, who never went to church, and rarely said anything about faith, probably had a better understanding of God's grace than I did. It took my love for Mark, years of self- doubt, and the hypocrisy of the Connie Latham Ministries, for my heart to finally understand the truth contained in Gary's words.

Chapter 8 - The Darkness of the Soul

Life marched forward.

With the addition of the mail order catalog, my business began to show a significant profit. Dan and Karen proved to be invaluable. Karen, who wanted to be with her children when they were out of school, volunteered to do the monthly invoicing from her home. Dan, who followed me like a loyal and trusted dog, had the unique ability to anticipate my needs. On many occasions I would prepare myself for a task, only to find that he had already taken care of it.

I would get together with Mark as often as possible, but it was never enough for either of us. Barbara was strangely accepting of me and I was made welcome in their home. We would take turns visiting each other. Summer months they would come to my place for barbecues and hikes.

I grew to love Patrick and secretly wished that he and Mark were living with me. Just like his dad, he loves the outdoors and nature. He's always curious and full of questions. He wanted to know all about the plants in the nursery and took great delight in feeding the chickens and ducks that I keep.

One summer, Mark and Barbara took a five-day vacation to visit her parents in eastern Washington. It was going to be a fast trip and they asked if I would be willing to let Patrick stay with me. Of course I was thrilled. Patrick was only six years old but had the curiosity and intelligence of a child much older. He helped with the routine nursery chores, fed the chickens and ducks, and together we conducted simple science experiments. We built a rain gauge, which he took home and had dad install in their small backyard. Until they moved to Washington, Patrick would call me after every storm, giving me a full report on the amount of precipitation they received.

Barbara developed an interest in horticulture. Other than our mutual love for Mark and Patrick, we finally had something in common. I got her involved in a horticultural society that specialized in California native plants and helped her begin a succulent and cactus garden in her backyard. Through our involvement in the society, we developed many mutual friends and participated in the same meetings. I could sense Mark's happiness as the long- time tension between Barbara and myself waned. I actually began to like Barbara.

In early October 1999, the annual convention of the Native Plant Society was to be held in Burbank. With California native plants as my specialty, the nursery had gained considerable attention within our organization. I regularly received requests for a tour. Since Burbank is not that far from my home, I decided to invite any interested members to an informal tour of the nursery, followed by a wine and cheese reception.

The convention was scheduled to open Friday evening with workshops and lectures on Saturday. The tour of the nursery would be held late Sunday morning, with the reception scheduled for 1:00 PM. I mailed invitations to every member of the society and was pleasantly surprised when I received positive replies from 53 people. Barbara seemed genuinely thrilled when I asked her to co-host the event with me. This would be a great opportunity for her to make some new and interesting friends.

Barbara arrived at my home only moments before the first guests arrived. I knew that Mark would not be able to attend, but I expected Barbara to arrive earlier. I assumed she got a late start, or perhaps she encountered unexpected traffic. I walked out to greet her as she was getting out of her car. She was as cold as ice.

"What's wrong Barbara? I asked bewildered.

"We need to talk as soon as this damn thing is over with. What do you want me to do?"

"Well, nothing much at this point. Dan and Karen have set up for the reception. I was hoping you would help conduct the tour. With so many people coming, it might be wise to divide the party into three groups. Dan said he would lead a group. You and I could each lead a group."

"Fine. Let me know when you're ready." She walked into the house.

The tour went well and I made many promising contacts for future business. Barbara and Dan each hosted groups of 15 people while I led a group of 18. Thanks to Dan and Karen, the reception ran smoothly. I provided good wine. A full-bodied Cabernet Sauvignon from Napa County and an oak flavored Chardonnay from the Central Coast. The large selection of cheese and hors d'oeuvres were well received.

After the last guest left, I approached Barbara. I poured each of us a glass of wine and asked her to join me on the porch.

"Barbara, what's wrong? I'm very confused."

I didn't know what to expect. I certainly wasn't prepared for what she asked me. To her credit she maintained her composure and never raised her voice.

"Mark and I have been having serious problems lately. If he hasn't already, I'm sure he'll be talking with you soon. Steven, I need to know something. To what extent are you involved with Mark?"

"Involved?"

"Sexually and romantically involved with my husband."

Now I was really confused. Unless Mark had told her about our infrequent massage sessions, I didn't know what she was getting at. I played dumb.

"Barbara, I don't know what you're talking about."

"I know you're not a liar, so please be honest with me. Mark confessed to me that you and he have been involved sexually for the last nine years. His exact words were, 'Steven is a hell of a lot better fuck than you are'. Steven, is this true?"

"NO, it's not true. I don't believe he said that to you. I mean, why? It's not true," I repeated. "I love Mark with all my heart, you already know that Barbara. The love we share could, I suppose, be considered romantic. But he chose to marry you, not me. I wouldn't violate the vows you took. Neither would he. I haven't fucked Mark, or anybody else, for that matter."

"You know the conditions surrounding our marriage, Steven. You know how I forced him into marriage and I'm guessing you know that he has never loved me. I don't know that he wouldn't cheat on me. I was just surprised to hear that you were involved."

"I'M NOT. I don't know what's going on here."

She sat quietly and sipped her wine. Finally she spoke.

"I think I do," she said sadly. "I'm sorry that I accused you of this. I know you're telling me the truth. I need to go now."

She placed her nearly full glass of wine on the patio table. After slowly standing up, she gently brushed my cheek with her hand.

"I'm really sorry if I've hurt you and spoiled the reception. Mark will be calling you, I'm sure."

She walked off of my front porch, got in her car, and slowly drove down my long driveway.

I went straight to the phone and dialed Mark's work number. It was Sunday, but I knew he would be working the entire weekend. There was no answer and his voice mail didn't pick up the call. That was odd. I called his home number and he answered the phone.

"Mark, what the hell is going on," I asked.

"Steven, I knew it would be you. Has Barbara talked with you?"

"Yes, and I'm totally confused. What is going on? I thought you were working today."

"Can I come over and talk with you, face to face?" I can leave here in a few hours."

"Yes." I hung up the phone without saying goodbye. Something was going on that involved me, and I was mad. Little did I realize that what was about to unfold, would test the strength of our friendship.

Mark arrived at about 6:30 p.m. I knew immediately that he had been drinking. I could smell alcohol on his breath and his eyes were bloodshot. He wasn't in any condition to be driving, yet he'd just traveled 50 miles on the freeway. What in hell was going on? We went into the house and I started a pot of coffee. Mark sat down on the couch and said nothing at all.

"Did you drive all this way just to stare at me? I snapped." Mark knew I was both angry and concerned.

"I've done a terrible thing to you. I lied to Barbara about us. I was angry and I lashed out in a way that I knew would hurt her. Oh shit, what have I done?"

"I don't know what you've done, why don't you tell me about it?"

"My world is falling apart. With all the gossip at work, you know.... the changes going down. I told you, right? My job...I'm so on edge. Why is it so hot in here Steven? What was I saying...? I'm not thinking clearly. Where was I? Oh yeah...Friday night... Barbara is acting nervous and bitchy. We need to talk..."

There was a long pause as he stared at the ground.

"I don't know what I'm saying Steven.... I'm so confused. What's wrong with me.... Maybe I shouldn't have taken the medicine..."

I couldn't tell if it was the alcohol, worry, lack of sleep, or a combination of all the above, but Mark was having a difficult time talking. His words were slurred and it was hard to follow his thought process.

"Mark, take it easy buddy. It will be okay. Just tell me what's going on. I've never seen you like this and you're scaring me. What medicine are you talking about?

"I'm sick. I've got Pneumonia and I'm on medication."

"WHAT? You're taking prescription drugs, you've been drinking, and you're walking around with Pneumonia? What the hell is the matter with you?

I placed my hand against his forehead and could tell he had a fever.

"My God Mark, what are you trying to do buddy?"

"I'm so unhappy Steven. I don't know. Everything is falling apart around me. Let me tell you what..."

"Mark, stop talking for minute. I'm very worried about you. When did you sleep last?"

"I don't know."

"You're exhausted. I want you to get some sleep before you tell me anything more, okay?"

I didn't give him a chance to answer. I led him to my bed and helped him take off his shoes. He agreed to try and get some sleep and I covered him with the bedspread. I leaned over and kissed him gently. I told him that I loved him. He managed a weak smile.

The phone rang several times before Barbara picked up.

"Barbara, it's Steven. Mark is here and I'm very worried about him. I've put him to bed. Do you know that he has pneumonia? He's evidently taking prescription medication and, he's been drinking. I have no idea how he got here safely. He can hardly talk, and what he does say makes little sense. Please tell me what is going on."

"No, I didn't know he has pneumonia. He's been coughing a lot lately, and hasn't looked good. But you know how he is. He'll never complain or admit that he is sick."

"Well evidently he felt bad enough to go the doctor. He has a fever too. I'll keep him here tonight. If he's still feeling bad in the morning, I'll drive him home myself. He said his world is falling apart and something is going on at work. Do you know what that's about?"

"For several months there have been rumors about an upcoming lay off. I think that's what he is worried about. He hasn't said much to me about it. I don't blame him though; I haven't been easy to be around lately.

Steven, most of this is my fault and I owe you an explanation. I'd like to start at the beginning, if you have the time?"

"If you're comfortable talking with me, and if you don't think it will upset Mark. I'm pretty sure he's asleep, so we have time."

"Friday night, I told Mark some things that I should have been honest about before I ever moved in with him. I didn't realize that he was so sick, or the extent of his concern about his job. Had I known, I would have chosen a different time to talk with him. Anyway, he reacted badly.

I'll start at the beginning:

I had only been in Southern California two weeks before I met Mark. As you know, I went to work in the civilian division at the Base. My dad's company, although based in Spokane, has many military contracts, including Edwards Air Force Base. My father had prearranged the job. I needed to leave Spokane quickly, so dad pulled the necessary strings.

Three months prior to my departure from Spokane, I gave birth to a little girl. Her name is Melissa. My high school sweetheart is the father, and he promised to marry me. Two weeks before I gave birth, he had a change of heart. 'I'm too young, I need my freedom' was all he said to me. Within twenty-four hours he was gone. He never even stayed around to witness the birth of his little girl.

I loved Carl with all of my heart, and I thought he loved me too. Part of me still believes that he did, but the reality of becoming a father was just too much for him. In that regard, he is just the opposite of Mark.

I was devastated, and shortly after giving birth, I tried to kill myself. It was only a half-hearted attempt, but it was a good indication of my mental inability to raise an infant. My older cousin and her husband agreed to raise Melissa. The family all thought it would be best if Melissa never learned who her real mother is. As soon as I recovered from my suicide attempt, I was whisked away to California.

I missed Carl and Melissa terribly. Everyday was a living hell and I often wished my suicide attempt had been successful. Then I met Mark. You can probably put the rest of the story together yourself. I wanted a family. I wanted a husband who would take care of me and help me forget about Carl and Melissa. I quickly sized up the situation and realized that Mark fit the bill perfectly. Incredibly good looking, secure job, educated, great sense of humor and so genuinely kind.

We started out as great sex partners, but for me, it quickly turned into what I thought was love. When Mark told me about his childhood, and how much he missed not having a father, I saw my trump card and I played my hand. I deliberately got pregnant.

I've known all along that Mark is not in love with me. I've tried to convince myself that it doesn't matter. I have the security I've longed for and a man who, although not in love with me, treats me wonderfully. Mark is a fantastic father, and he's great in bed.

Nine days ago I received a phone call from my cousin. She tells me that she and her husband have split up, and under the circumstances, feel that Melissa should be returned to me. Not only that, they have already told her the truth. Melissa will be arriving in California next week.

I dumped all of this in Mark's lap on Friday night. All he said, before driving off, was that he needed some time to think.

When he returned, about an hour later, he was sullen and looked very tired. He told me that he would never trust me again. That's when he told me about the alleged sexual relationship with you. He fabricated the story to hurt me.

Steven, you have every right to hate me. I've treated you as unfairly as I've treated Mark. For what it's worth, I'm very sorry. Just when you and I really start enjoying each other's company, this had to happen.

Please Steven, don't hold any of this against Mark. It wasn't his fault, and he'll need your love more than ever."

It was a lot to absorb. I could hear Barbara's pain and believed her remorse was genuine. Gary's words, about her needing a counselor, came back to me.

"Barbara, I'm not mad at you. Thank you for telling me the truth. Of course I still want to be your friend. I won't hold anything against Mark, although I'm hurt that he used me to get back at you. In trying to hurt you, he hurt me. He must be under tremendous pressure, and I can tell he is feeling badly about the lie. I'll talk with him when he feels up to it. Either he or I will call you. Are you okay?"

"I can understand why Mark is in love with you Steven. Thank you for understanding. I'm sorry for being such a bitch this morning. Please call me when you can."

I was very hurt over what Mark had done. I felt like something special had been taken from me. Making love to Mark was something I dreamed about every day of my life. I couldn't understand how he could take something that was so meaningful to me, and use it as a weapon to hurt Barbara. Unfortunately, the longer Mark slept, the longer I had to feel sorry for myself. By the time he awakened, I was not only hurt, but also annoyed.

He walked into the living room shortly after 11:00 p.m. He had been asleep for nearly five hours. "How are you feeling Mark?" I asked.

"Better. The sleep helped."

He looked bad. I could tell he was physically hurting. His breathing was labored and his cough was nasty.

"How long have you had pneumonia?"

"A couple of weeks. I saw the doctor on Thursday and he told me it was pretty bad. He wanted to admit me to the hospital, but I refused. I couldn't miss work, or so I thought."

I was torn between worry and self-pity. Part of me wanted to wrap myself around him and make all of his problems go away. The other part, the selfish part, wanted to lash out at him.

"Mark, don't you ever drink alcohol while taking drugs again. You asshole! You scared the shit out of me. What do you think would happen to me if you had been killed driving over here? What would Patrick do without his daddy? I don't know if I want to kiss you or beat the shit out of you."

"Well, I'm hoping you'll kiss me," he said with that damn grin that gets me every time.

I sat beside him on the couch and pulled his body close to mine. I leaned over and looked into his beautiful brown eyes, then kissed his waiting lips.

"I love you Mark, but you really scared me. When were you planning to tell me about the Pneumonia, and what is going on with your job? I called Barbara while you were sleeping and she told me that..."

"What the fuck did you call her for? Why didn't you just ask me?"

He was suddenly agitated and pulled away from me. This was very unexpected from Mark. I hoped it was just a reaction to the combination of drugs, alcohol, worry and pneumonia. That's more than enough for any person to handle.

"I'm sorry Mark, I was worried about you and I thought she might shed some light on what's going on. Besides, she was angry with me this morning and made some accusations. I am somewhat involved at this point."

"I didn't know I had pneumonia until Thursday. I thought it was just a horrible cold. I knew you had the convention and tour this weekend, so I decided I'd wait until Monday before telling you.

My job, well...I was laid off on Friday afternoon. The entire Aerospace Industry is suffering and the government is closing military bases. I'm just one of the latest casualties. That too, I was planning to tell you on Monday."

I could see worry in his eyes. I knew he was frightened. "I'm sorry Mark. The timing couldn't be worse."

"Yeah, tell me about it. Well, since you've spoken with Barbara, I'm guessing you know about Melissa."

The more he spoke, the angrier he became. His face was red and he started pacing. By his posture, I could tell that tension was gripping his back and neck.

"Yes I know about Melissa. I'll help any way I can."

"NO!" he snapped. "There is nothing you can do. There's nothing anybody can do to help. I'm out of work; my wife is a liar; I have another child to support; and you're fucking mad at me."

"Mark I'm not mad at you, I'm worried about you." My tone was harsher than I intended it to be.

"Steve, stop the crap. I know you well enough to know when you're angry. You're pissed off at me because I lied to Barbara about us. I told her we were having great sex, and have been doing it for years. It was a stupid thing for me to say, but I guess you'll never understand what it's like to make a mistake. You always do everything right. Your life is perfect."

"No Mark, I wasn't 'pissed off' at you, I was hurt. NOW I'M PISSED OFF. Is that what you really think about me? Shit, I've stood by you through everything. I make plenty of mistakes and you know about all of them. What's this all about?"

"You live a charmed life and I'm jealous."

"Would you feel better if my world fell apart? Let me tell you just how `charmed' my life is:

I've loved you since the day we met. I go to sleep every night dreaming of what it would be like to fall asleep in your arms, yet I wake up every morning alone. I long to make love to you, yet I'm painfully aware that you're fucking your brains out with somebody else. I daily pray for your happiness, while my own joy eludes me. I've supported your marriage to Barbara, while my own heart breaks. A real fairy tale life, don't ya think?"

"You mean to tell me that you're not fucking Gary or Dan."

The moment the words left his mouth I knew he regretted saying them. He immediately looked at the floor and stopped talking. There was an awkward silence before he finally spoke.

"Steven I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. I don't know why I'm yelling at you. I didn't mean anything I've said. I'm so sorry."

I knew the apology was sincere, but I was so hurt. I felt as if I couldn't breathe. Without saying a word I stood up and walked outside. I remember that the cool night air felt soothing against my skin, as I walked numbly amid the trees in the nursery. I couldn't understand what had just happened. I felt as if our friendship had ended, and with it any reason I could ever have for happiness.

I don't know how long I walked before I heard the screen door shut. I looked in the direction of the house and saw Mark getting into his car. Before I could get back he had started his engine and was driving down my driveway toward the gate. I knew he was in no condition to be driving and I panicked. I ran into my house and began searching for my car keys. I always keep them on a hook, by the phone, but they weren't there. Forcing myself to think clearly, I realized that they were in my pocket. I had never taken them out.

I grabbed my cell phone and dashed for my car. Mark had a good five-minute lead and I was fearful that I wouldn't be able to find him. I made the assumption that he would be going home, so I drove toward Highway 14. Reaching the highway I spotted his car, just starting up the on ramp. The only thing I could do was follow. If he had any problems, at least I'd be there for him.

He was driving surprisingly well. Other than some minor weaving, he did fine. I followed him all the way to the Rosamond Blvd. off ramp. Mark's home was nearby and I knew he would be safe. I used my cell phone to call Barbara. Without going into detail, I told her that I had followed Mark as far as the off ramp, just to be sure he arrived home safely.

Arriving home at 1:45 a.m., I sat down on my front porch swing and allowed my bottled up emotions to come out. I cried until daybreak. The early morning hours were chilly so I walked into the kitchen and put on a pot of coffee. I felt like a hollow lifeless shell. What was I ever going to do? Until that moment, I had never understood why anybody would consider suicide. But now, as a feeling of total hopelessness washed over me, I understood. The next few days would prove to be the hardest times I'd ever faced.

At 7:00 a.m. Dan pulled into the driveway in his old Chevy pickup truck. I met him on the porch with a cup of coffee. He thanked me as he took the cup from my hand. He knew something was wrong.

"Steven, are you not feeling well?" he asked with genuine concern.

"Dan, it's a very long story. I need to get away. Can you watch the nursery for a few days? If you'd like, you can stay here at the house, it's up to you."

"Sure Steve. Karen and I can take care of everything. Where are you going?"

"I don't know. I just need to get away, to think. I'm sorry, I didn't sleep at all last night. I must sound even worse than I look."

It didn't take me long to shower and get ready to go. As I was leaving my bedroom, I noticed a note on my pillow. Evidently Mark had written it when I went outside, the night before.

Steven, I'm sorry. I know I hurt you terribly. I don't know what's going on inside my head. I didn't mean any of what I said to you. You mean more to me than life itself, and if I've lost your love, then I've lost the entire world. Please forgive me.

I need a few days to figure all of this out. I'll be calling you soon. Steven, you are my life, my love and my greatest joy. I'd do anything if I thought I could take back my horrible words. Please remember how much I love you.

Mark

I didn't think there were any tears left to cry, but there were. I sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed. I kept repeating, 'at least he still loves me'.

Mark was right. He would need a few days to sort through everything that happened. He didn't need me interfering. It would be good for both of us if I went away for a few days. Besides, I could use a vacation.

Chapter 9 - Highway 58 Revisited

Dan met me at my car and told me not to worry. Dan and Karen know the business as well as I do. I never worry when they're in charge. As I opened my car door, Dan put his hand on my shoulder.

"We all love you Steven, please be careful." He hugged me as I said goodbye.

One of my favorite spots is the Central Coast of California. The small communities that are nestled between the coast range of mountains and the Pacific Ocean are like shining gems. Artists, musicians and other creative spirits call this area home. The climate is as close to ideal as you will find anywhere in the world. Because of the wonderful weather, many of the nurseries that I supply are located here.

I decided that I would spend a few days wandering from Santa Barbara, up the coast to Cambria. Any other time this would have been an exciting and satisfying trip, but I was missing Mark and beginning a downward spiral of self-doubt and low self esteem.

Santa Barbara is a beautiful community of remarkable contrast. Built around an early California Mission, the community now extends from the coastline all the way up the steep slopes of the mountains northeast of town. On some winter mornings you can stand at the shore and enjoy the view of snow capped peaks not far away. The town is affluent, yet because of the favorable climate and tolerant liberal attitudes, it's not unusual to find the homeless camped outside the exclusive restaurants and shops along State Street.

I collect wine. The Central Coast produces some of the finest California vintages. From Santa Barbara, I made my way north, visiting the wineries throughout the Santa Ynez Valley and Foxen Canyon. I've always been partial to good red wines, but on this trip I learned to enjoy Chardonnay. I bought several bottles of excellent wine.

It's funny how we view experiences through the eyes of those we love. I would find myself saying things like, 'Mark would like that wine' or, 'Mark would really enjoy that music'. I spent the entire trip thinking about how much I would love to have him with me. If Mark were my life partner, this is where I would like to spend our honeymoon.

I ended my trip earlier than I anticipated. After exploring the coastline along Moro Bay, I decided to return home. It was just too painful wandering through this incredible area alone. I wanted to share it with somebody.

I took the long way home. Highway 58 begins at the little town of Santa Margarita, just north of San Luis Obispo. I decided to take this route because it tracks through familiar territory and I was hoping it would trigger some good memories. As you travel east, the highway runs through the Carizzo Plain, the place I met Kathy on the geologic field trip years ago. I stopped and explored some of the sites we studied together. I had heard that small herds of Elk and Pronghorn Antelope had been reintroduced to the region and was eager to see them.

As I'd hoped for, wonderful memories of Kathy, college and my new friendship with Mark came flooding back. As successful as my life had become, I missed those wonderful college days. Laughter came so easily then. Of course I was as poor as any other college kid was, yet in those days it didn't seem to matter. When Mark was around it was easy to have fun. Mark never tried to have a good time; he was a good time. He would find humor in everything and when I was with him, so did I. And, it was never the kind of humor that required a victim. We never made fun of anybody or anything; why should we? When we were together life was filled with joy, mirth and even the mundane was perfectly satisfying. Once again Gary's words came back to me, "Steven, why did you let Mark get away from you?" I no longer had a good answer to that question.

Continuing east, Highway 58 crosses the Temblor Range of mountains and drops dramatically into the vast Central Valley of California. Here, agriculture is king. You can drive for endless miles through orchards, vineyards and here, on the west side of the San Joaquin Valley, cotton. Oil is also a major industry in this part of the state.

I stopped to eat in Bakersfield before I began the climb up the west side of the Tehachapi Mountains.

Arriving in Tehachapi, I stopped at the Tehachapi News, hoping to find Tom. I was lucky, he was there. I hadn't had many opportunities to visit with Tom since he helped me move, years ago. I missed his friendship. Always friendly and outgoing, he is the type of guy you would like to have as a neighbor. Tom is married to Marianne and they have two children. He seemed equally glad to see me. We visited for about an hour and we promised to try and get together more often. I left a couple bottles of wine with him.

As badly as I wanted to see Mark, I was very apprehensive to make contact. I guess I was worried that he would feel differently. I reminded myself of the note he'd left for me, but who knows what may have developed as he tried to make sense of his life?

Part of the reason I chose this route home, was because it would take me through the small desert town of Rosamond, where Mark and Barbara lived. I knew that I needed to stop. I reached for my cell phone and was surprised to find that I didn't have it with me. Evidently in my distress and hurry to leave home, I'd forgotten it. I debated whether or not I should just drop in on Barbara and Mark without a phone call. I decided to stop.

Barbara came to the door. When she saw me, she burst into tears and threw her arms around me.

"Where have you been Steven, we've been so worried? Mark is absolutely beside himself with worry, he's out looking for you now."

"I just took a few days vacation. I needed to do some thinking and clear my head. Why didn't you call me?" As I spoke, I remembered that I'd forgotten my cell phone.

"We did, constantly, and you never answered your phone. Mark has spoken with Dan. All he could tell him, was that you left unexpectedly and that you looked totally lost. He said that you hadn't slept and that you appeared to have been crying. He and Karen are worried about you too. So is Gary."

"Gary? How did he get involved?"

"Mark called him after he spoke with Dan. Please Steven, come in and sit down. I'm so relieved to see you."

I had never thought that my abrupt departure would cause so much trouble. I never thought it through. I was too wrapped up in my own grief to think about the possible consequences.

"I'm so sorry Barbara, I didn't mean to cause all of this concern. I forgot to bring my cell phone. I also knew that you and Mark had problems to work out and didn't need my interference. So I decided to take an overdue vacation. I'm really sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. Where is Mark now?"

"I don't know. I think he and Dan were going to meet and try and figure out what to do. Gary may have joined them."

"Can I use your phone? I need to call Dan."

Dan picked up the phone right away and I got much the same reaction from him that I did from Barbara. If nothing else, I certainly felt loved. I was grateful for such good friends. After explaining what had happened, I asked about Mark.

"Steven, I think he is headed home. He met Gary and me, here. We decided that if we didn't hear from you by tomorrow morning, we were going to go to the police and ask for help. Mark is falling apart Steve. He thinks you may have done something stupid and is blaming himself. I think you better stay put and wait for him. He left here about 30 minutes ago. Would you like me to call Gary for you?"

"Thanks Dan, I'd like that. Let him know that I'm fine and will call him tomorrow. Dan, thank you for your friendship and for caring so much about me."

"I love you man," he said, and hung up the phone.

In about 20 minutes Mark burst through the front door. He evidently saw my car parked out front and wasted no time getting into the house. The weight of his body hit me full force as he ran to embrace me. I almost toppled over backwards. I became very self-conscious as he kissed me, full on the lips, in front of Barbara. When he finally released me I looked in Barbara's direction. She gave me a radiant smile.

"I'll leave you boys alone, you have much to talk about," she said, and left the room.

I was reminded just how much she had changed over the years. She no longer resented me or my relationship with her husband. Not only had she accepted our relationship, but was also encouraging it. I made a mental note to talk with her about it sometime.

"Thank God you are Okay, you scared me so badly Steven. I thought maybe you'd..." his voice faltered and the tears began to flow. "I was worried that you'd..."

"That I'd left you?"

"Yes Stevie, or worse." Why didn't you answer your phone? What would I have done without you? Forgive me for all of those horrible things I said. Please don't ever leave me again."

"Mark, I didn't leave you. How could I possibly leave the source of all my happiness?" I just needed to get away for a few days and deal with my own issues. I was hurting, badly. I thought you no longer loved me. I didn't answer my phone because I stupidly forgot to bring it with me.

Mark, we need to talk."

"Okay. Let's sit down."

"You accused me of never making mistakes. You're wrong Mark. I once made an enormous mistake, and it haunts me every day of my life."

"What is it Steven?"

"I let you get away from me. That night in Red Rock Canyon, in your tent, I almost asked you to make love to me. Instead of listening to my heart, I succumbed to fear, and said nothing.

Now it's too late, and I'll pay the price for my timidity the rest of my life. I'll never break up your family, Mark.

And while we're talking honestly - your sister is the only person I've ever had sex with. Not any of the girls I dated, not Dan, and not Gary.

Gary is Gay. I think he would be willing to go to bed with me, but I've never pursued that. And it's not because I don't find him attractive. He's very attractive and he appeals to me. But Mark, you are the only person, male or female, that I want to be with.

Dan is a good friend, and in truth, I love him too. That doesn't mean that I want to have sex with him. Mark, if I can't make love to you, then I'd rather not make love to anybody. I hope you know how serious I am about that."

"I know that Steven. Let me tell you why I said what I did."

Mark's eyes clouded over and I could sense the depth of his pain.

"I'm so afraid of losing you, Steven. You spend a lot of time with those guys.

You have so much in common with Gary. You share a faith that I don't understand and he can offer you so much that I can't. Don't misunderstand me, I really like Gary. I want him as my friend too.

I'm jealous of the time you spend with Dan. You work together everyday, and at night you go out drinking together. I want to spend that much time with you too. Do you know that Dan would go to bed with you if you asked him to?

"No way."

"Yeah, it's true. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. He loves you and I don't blame him one bit. Gary and Dan are both single, they're both handsome and I'm so afraid I'll lose you Stevie."

"Mark, that will never happen. Let's not do this to each other again. Just know that with or without sex, you are the only person for me."

"I can't expect you to live your life without sex. I know I couldn't. Barb and I talked about that last night. Do you know that she cares for you very much? So much so, she's willing for the three of us to have sex. She would welcome you into our marriage bed. What do you think of that?"

"Well, I've come to care for Barbara too. She's had a rough road to hoe and she's grown a lot. Although I don't agree with what she did, I can understand why she manipulated you into marriage. I can also understand why she didn't tell you about Melissa. She's been hurt badly and she reached out for love and security the only way she knew how. But Mark, I can't be part of a threesome. It just wouldn't work for me."

"I know, and I told her you would say that. Barbara knows that you're the love of my life. I love her too; we've been through a lot together. But she's accepted that my heart belongs to you. If I asked for permission to have sex with you, she would probably say yes. She is actually quite remarkable."

"I know she is Mark. but please don't ask her that."

A momentary look of disappointment crossed his handsome face, but it was quickly replaced with a smile.

"As long as you love me, it doesn't matter," he said. "Don't ask me why, but I know our day will come."

With that said, he leaned over and kissed me long and passionately. He took my hand and placed it under his shirt, directly over his heart and said, "Sweetheart, this belongs to you alone."

One month later, Mark, Barbara, Patrick and Melissa moved to Deer Park, Washington. Barbara's dad arranged for Mark to go to work at his firm. Mark is an excellent aeronautical engineer, but with the numerous military base closures and cutbacks in the aerospace industry, he couldn't find work in California.

Mark was struggling with unemployment. I'm convinced that there is something genetically built into the male psyche that equates self worth with financial success. When the opportunity for work opened up for him in Washington, I was the first to encourage him.

They purchased a home on five acres of land, and I felt it would be an excellent location to grow shrubs and trees that do best in a four-season climate. Lilacs, many fruit trees, and certain bulbs require a winter chill factor that I cannot adequately provide in Southern California.

Barbara had become quite knowledgeable in ornamental horticulture, and I suggested that she partner with me in the nursery. Since I was now online with my catalog, this was the opportunity I was looking for. It would also ensure that we would visit frequently and my fear of losing contact with Mark was somewhat appeased.

Mark settled into his new job while Barbara created a scaled down version of the nursery. Barbara and I communicated via e-mail and Mark and I spoke on the phone, almost daily. Patrick too, would call his "Uncle Stevie" to discuss weather fronts, volcanoes, the Columbia River and the flora and fauna of Eastern Washington. Patrick is destined to be a biologist. He has his father's natural curiosity and keen scientific mind.

Dan, Karen and Gary kept me busy. They are absolutely the best friends anybody could ever have. But I wanted a lover.

Once again I began questioning my sexuality and self worth. I knew that either Gary or Dan would sleep with me, but I couldn't get past my love for Mark. I even knew that Mark would understand if I had sex with either of them, but that was little consolation. I just couldn't do it.

Gary completely understood how I felt. He never pushed me into sex, but gently let me know that he was available. Dan, like Mark, is probably bisexual and he too let me know, in subtle ways, that he would not refuse me.

One evening in late October 2000, I received a phone call from Barbara. She asked if it was possible for me to come to Washington for a few days. I could tell by the tone in her voice that something was going on, but she wasn't telling me what.

"Is something wrong Barbara?" I asked.

"No, nothing is wrong, but it's important that Mark and I see you. It isn't something that I would be comfortable discussing over the phone. Besides, November 14th is your 35th birthday and it would be nice if we could celebrate it with you."

Even though she tried to assure me that nothing was wrong, I knew something was going on, and of course I imagined the worst. I was worried that there might be a serious health problem with one of them. I hadn't taken a day off since my hasty trip to the coast following the argument, so I agreed to go. The plan was to fly into Spokane on November 13th and stay with the Williams' for one week.

"The pilot has turned the seat belt light on. We are starting our descent and will be landing at San Francisco International Airport in ten minutes. All passengers are asked to return to their seats, bring their chairs to a full upright position, and fasten their seat belts."

The voice of the flight attendant brought me back to the present. Lost in my memories, the flight to San Francisco seemed to have taken no time at all.

To be continued

Thank you for the generous support. I've received many messages of encouragement and I'm sincerely thankful for each one. I feel as if I've made new friends, all over the world.

I'll try to answer every message as quickly as possible. Please e-mail me at: rustynail920@yahoo.com

Mark