Inadequate Men
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Chapter 7 -- Anticipation
For most of Tuesday, Jared failed to understand why he was looking forward to his evening with Tom with a mixture of anticipation and dread.
The anticipation part made sense. He and Tom had made a wonderful connection that Jared now found the courage to believe would continue for some time. Set aside for a moment the whole happily ever after scenario that had the power to ruin even the best relationship. Sure, Jared acknowledged, it would be great if this were the beginning of a lifetime of joy for him and Tom.
But at 32, Jared was mature enough to accept that you had to let a relationship be whatever it was going to be. He and Tom could end up being partners, sure. But they could just as likely end up as friends with benefits, friends without benefits, occasional fuck buddies, or just guys who had made a beautiful connection for a time and then went their separate ways. And less than 48 hours into knowing each other, however powerful the connection so far, there was just no way to know.
That said, he was gratified to feel that he and Tom not only liked each other, but seemed to be helping each other with their sexuality. And it sure was fun! Granted that some of this fun had been a little scary. But in a way, that's what made it fun -- like a roller coaster that was safe but designed to throw you into an experience that tested your fears.
If he had to pick, the single thing that Jared liked best about Tom so far was his willingness to be vulnerable about his sexual insecurity. His dating life had so often included men who were entirely the opposite: Men who pretended to want vulnerability, but who either didn't have deep insecurities like Jared or didn't want to share them.
Maybe most men, even gay men, grew into their sexuality in a healthy way that allowed them to perform fully as men in a way that Jared realized both he and Tom could never seem to do. All his life, Jared had wanted to be like them. Not just wanted but desperately longed to be like those other boys from his gym class who so easily shed their underwear and proudly showed off their endowments to each other. And the more time he spent on porn websites, the more he saw just how easily this pride of ownership translated to sexuality. All over the world, not just porn stars but ordinary guys were regularly uploading proof of what a man could do with six to eight inches of manhood.
Being single and without any prospects, Jared had availed himself of this option plenty of times. Once in a while, it was hot. But more often, watching porn was just another opportunity to berate himself for not fitting in, for being built differently from the average man, not just physically but also psychologically. Sure, getting your dick stimulated felt good, but something was missing for Jared, and even if he couldn't define what he wanted, he knew well enough what he didn't want.
He loved that Tom's struggle had been so open, so raw. Jared recognized immediately that feeling of male inadequacy. They were both small guys, and both reluctant to let that fact be widely known. But the moment that both of them knew that the other was also small, the relief that both men suddenly felt was instantly apparent. Jared was very grateful, not to mention aroused, to share that experience with Tom. And clearly Tom felt the same -- so much so that his arousal had overpowered him.
Jared was appreciative of Tom's vulnerability, and eager to let him know in every way possible that this was a gift rather than a burden. He imagined that his suppressed memory of his boyhood friend, Luke, in a similar vulnerable position had surfaced because the circumstances mirrored the situation with Tom. Luke had needed him, and for Jared this was the greatest gift he could imagine being given. And Tom seemed able to accept Jared's help, as Luke had done.
Jared's true fear only began to surface on Tuesday as he had a moment or two interspersed with client phone calls, meetings with the partners, and a pile of preparation for a series of depositions that would begin the following week. He was glad of the distraction, because as he got out of the office for his habitual 20-minute walk after lunch, he could feel the import of it all descend on him.
Tom had been able to accept Jared's help. And Tom seemed anything but the type of selfish guy who wouldn't reciprocate as needed. So Jared now faced a growing nervousness that he would have soon an opportunity, or maybe more than one, to accept Tom's help. The question was whether Jared was ready to be as courageously vulnerable as Tom had been.
All his life, Jared had told himself that he had wanted a partner who would accept him as he really was: a man with a small penis that didn't readily get hard or necessarily stay that way. Now, there were certainly enough signs that Tom would be willing to accept him as he was. But was that really true? Would Tom really be able to be there for Jared? Would Jared be able to open up fully with Tom? And the $64,000 question: What do I truly want with a man?
Jared didn't know the answer, but he sure liked the question. And whatever transpired with Tom, he felt like he had begun to turn a corner in his life, and there was no going back.
In a sense, Jared felt like he was experiencing a second coming out.
By the time he was 15, Jared knew without any doubt that the word gay applied to him. He had definitely liked guys in all sorts of ways for a very long time, and had never felt the slightest attraction to girls. Once he attached the word to his own experience, it was a settled question: One door closed, another opened, and he had no choice but to walk through.
But for whatever reason, this transition that he was going through was a lot more mentally confusing and emotionally daunting. Coming out as gay -- whether to himself, his family, or his friends -- hadn't solved a fundamental problem in his life. He had simply crossed over from the straight world to the gay world to find himself, in a sense, even more alienated than he had ever been. Because these were, after all, his people, weren't they? He had chosen them. And while some of the pieces fit reasonably well with his lived experience of life, others just didn't.
So... What do I truly want with a man? Maybe he had to answer that question first in order to be with Tom, or maybe being with Tom would help him answer it. He wasn't sure. But for the first time in many years, he felt like he was beginning to ask the right question, even if he didn't know where the answer lay.
Here was another concern: He imagined meeting up with Tom that night, picking a restaurant, getting a table together and sharing a glass of wine. Dinner would arrive, and the superficial conversation that typically accompanied dates between professional gay men would continue: careers, condos, family drama, ex-boyfriends, vacations, cars, plus the piles stuff they both wanted to acquire and fill their homes with.
Some of that still sounded reasonably good to Jared: the comfort of a home with a white picket fence, and a man to come home to. But here was the problem: He had a small penis that didn't respond readily when called upon to do so. So when the eligible guys were pairing up in their 20s, Jared was left standing alone. Apparently, so was Tom. Maybe they would pair up. It certainly wasn't too late. Or was it?
To Jared's mind, it wasn't too late in terms of years, but rather days. Two days too late. What he had experienced with Tom in these last two days had fundamentally changed his perspective on everything he'd said he ever wanted. Which was ironic, considering that, with Tom in the picture, he now finally stood a chance of having it.
As he walked, he asked himself again. What do I truly want with a man? Then, he felt a prompting to ask the same question even more honestly: What do I truly want sexually with a man?
From time to time in his 20s, Jared had wished that sex didn't exist. It was the thing that kept him apart from, rather than bonded him with, a variety of potential partners that he'd otherwise cared for a great deal. Here and there, he had dated several guys, each for a few months at a time. At those times, Jared gratefully shared not just the superficial aspects of having a boyfriend -- pet names, weekends in the country, bragging rights, and the otherwise gay-acceptant family finally hearing about the man in your life -- but also some of the closeness with a man that he had craved ever since Luke had moved away. A best friend. Someone who turns in your direction, and you turn in his, and you're both genuinely happy and smiling and not looking elsewhere.
Jared had had that connection with Luke for many years. It was real. He knew it existed. But the problem seemed to be that men wanted sex, and at times Jared wasn't at all sure that he was among them. He was supposed to want it. But then, he was also supposed to want sex with women, and deciding that he didn't had never confused him for a moment.
Interspersed among some of his failures to keep attractive boyfriends interested in continuing to be with him, Jared had a few times dated guys that were nice enough looking, just not his type, but who also made it clear in a variety of ways that for them, sex wasn't all that important. Good guys, ready to open up emotionally and perhaps share a life together. In each case, Jared was the one who, after a few weekends together, as gently as possible broke things off. Simple enough to understand: There was no spark.
But on the other hand, whenever there was a spark, apparently Jared had little to no interest in using it to light a fire. In those cases, gently or not, the other guy would break it off with him.
There was no easy answer, so Jared kept returning to the same question: What do I want sexually with a man? Somehow, Tom may have brought a missing piece of this puzzle to the table. For Jared, the lesson of the last two days was to steadfastly refuse to accept anything less than the complete picture, however long that might take.
With that resolve, he returned to his office, knowing at least how he would begin tonight with Tom. That might well be a second puzzle piece, which meant that he and Tom together now had two more than either of them had had the week before. In fact, last week, he hadn't really known that there was a puzzle to be solved at all.
He finished out the day, got home, took a shower and put on fresh comfortable clothes. He looked in the mirror and liked what he saw: a handsome, compact, beefy guy in his early 30s who was beginning to know what he wanted. When the doorbell rang, right on time, Jared opened the door and saw Tom standing there, handsome as ever, holding a bottle of wine and -- what the heck -- a bouquet of 12 dappled red and white roses. Probably blushing, Jared took them, ushering Tom inside.
Once the door was closed, they kissed gently. It felt good to Jared, not rushed or insistent, just warm and without expectations. As their lips parted, Jared looked at Tom and said the six words he'd been planning to say:
"Tom, Pal, I need your help."
To be continued...
The response to this story has been amazing, so if you've already written to me about it, all I can say is thanks! If you're liking how the story is unfolding and have thought about writing, go ahead and say hi at judestjude2357@gmail.com. I promise to do my best to answer every email I can! Thanks again, TJ