Mentoring
"You miss him, don't you?" Mom observed.
I sat at the table, staring at my uneaten lunch. I'd been moping around the house all morning, completely at loose ends with nothing to do. Once upon a time, I'd been happy alone in the woods. Now, I wasn't complete without Tocho. I'd visited him every day for a week now, but a couple of hours indoors wasn't enough. At the moment, I couldn't even go visit him because he was at the doctor's office getting his ankle checked.
I was having a pity party. "Yes, I do."
"What would Tocho do if the situation were reversed?"
I replied grumpily. "He'd go out in the woods and enjoy himself. He wouldn't even miss me."
"I think you're right about the first part, but wrong about the second. You underestimate yourself. He loves you as much as you love him."
I glanced up quickly. Mom was working at the counter with her back to me. The silence lengthened as I tried to come up with a suitable response. I couldn't find one.
Mom turned around, and her eyes met mine. "When you two are together, it's obvious how you feel about each other, at least to me. You're far more than friends or brothers. You need to know that your happiness is my only concern. Now, what would Tocho do if the situation were reversed?"
I found my voice. "He'd do something special for me. Maybe he'd catch some fish and cook them for me. That's the first thing that comes to my mind."
Actually, it was the second thing, but I wasn't going to mention the first.
Mom smiled. "That's more like it. Can you do that for him?"
"I can catch them, but he might have to cook them."
"Then go do it. I'll call Tocho's mother and tell her what you're planning."
I gave Mom a quick hug and headed for the shop. I needed to get over the shock of the last few minutes on my own. I also needed to find some of Dad's fishing tackle. I hoped it would be as easy to use as Tocho's bone lure.
Mom was full of surprises lately, but this one was way beyond the others. Dad had always been my ally when I wanted to push the boundaries. That seemed to have changed suddenly.
Tocho's lure was more fun, but modern fishing tackle was faster. I caught ten good-sized trout within an hour and a half. Sufficient for five people, I thought. I cleaned them by the stream and put them into a plastic bag.
When I arrived at Tocho's place, he was up and walking around.
"The doctor gave me an ankle brace and told me I could walk while I'm at home as long as my ankle doesn't swell up or hurt. I still gotta use crutches if I leave the house."
I grinned happily. "That's great news. The woods aren't the same without you. Even the animals look sad."
Tocho smiled. "I don't think it's quite that bad. What's in the bag?"
I handed him the fish. "I brought you a get-well present. You may have to cook them yourself, though."
"I bet you can do it. You've watched me before. I'll give you advice if you need it. But first, I need some therapy."
I followed him to his room. The handcuffs were still attached to the headboard.
"Are those part of your therapy now?"
He smiled wickedly. "Yeah, they're part of my emotional therapy."
"So, you get off giving pain?"
"Uh-huh. Mateo thought it might appeal to me. He likes taking it, I like giving it. You're gonna like taking it, too."
"What makes you think I'll like taking it?"
"Pedro says you loved being bent over the picnic table."
"Fuck! Can't a guy have any secrets around here?"
Tocho laughed. "You've got four brothers now and none of us keep secrets. Get used to it."
I flopped onto the bed and Tocho snapped the cuffs. If it had been anyone but Tocho, I would have been scared shitless.
"Do you want the clothespins, too? Mateo likes them. He says they make him cum harder. I'll take them off if you don't like them."
I hesitated. Kahoni had pinched my nipples, and I'd liked it. Maybe I'd like this, too.
"Sure."
It's hard to describe what happened. Tocho started gently, and then began to randomly thrust in deep like I'd watched him do with Mateo. The clothespins and handcuffs provided a steady background pain. When Tocho drove in hard, the pain abruptly increased, and then slowly decreased, but never went away. The steady stream of sexual excitement mixed in with the pain. Added to that swirling combination was the peak high Tocho transmitted to me each time he inflicted more pain. Taken together, it was a complex devil's mixture which hid our orgasms until they suddenly overtook us in a frantic flood of cum.
As Tocho removed the clothespins and released the handcuffs, I lay sweating on the bed, exhausted from the experience. Slowly sitting up beside him, I rubbed my nipples and my wrists.
"Fuck!"
Tocho laughed. "After you do it a few times, it becomes less confusing. Remember, even though I'm not the one with the handcuffs and clothespins, I feel what you do. So, how do you feel right now?"
I thought about it. "Completely relaxed. Physically and mentally."
"Me too." He smiled with satisfaction. "The therapy was successful."
Tocho swung his legs over the edge of the bed and carefully stood up. "Let's go cook some fish."
Tocho put together a salad and cooked rice while I pan-fried the trout. I didn't require any advice. Tocho's mother didn't even come into the kitchen. It was clear Tocho regularly did the food preparation at his house. I decided perhaps I could do that at home, too. Mom was somewhat possessive about the kitchen, but maybe she would get over it if I demonstrated a little competence. Now I had one more thing I'd learned from Tocho. I wondered what he'd learned from me.
Tocho's grandfather, a tribal elder, lived in a small house behind Tocho's family, and that night he joined us for dinner. I hadn't met him before, and now I learned he was blind. He was silent during dinner, listening carefully to the conversation.
As we finished eating, Benny made an announcement. "There's going to be a pow wow in a couple of weeks, Pahana. It's going to be closed to the public, but you can go if you stick close to Tocho and me."
Tocho added a constraint. "You need to wear authentic Indian clothing. And you gotta make at least one thing yourself."
My excitement departed as quickly as it had arrived. "I don't think I can do that in two weeks."
"Tocho and I can show you how to make a breechcloth," Benny told me, handing me a wrapped package. "And this will take care of footwear."
I opened the package and found a pair of hand-made deer-hide moccasins. They were decorated with black and white beads in a mountain lion footprint pattern.
"Benny and I made them," Tocho told me.
I put them on, and they fit perfectly.
"I have the best brothers in the world," I said quietly, with tears running down my cheeks. "How can I ever thank you for all you do for me."
Benny smiled. "You're the best brother in the world too, you know. We're thankful you're a member of our family now."
Tocho's grandfather had been silent, but now he had a request. "Pahana, since I cannot see you, I would like the opportunity to touch your face to know you better."
"Of course, Sir."
His fingers gently memorized the shape of my face, wiping away my tears in the process. He smiled slightly when he felt my Mohawk haircut. When he was finished, he placed a hand on my head.
"You must call me Grandfather, Pahana. You are as much my grandson as Benny and Tocho. I have felt your two spirit guides. Your connection to the Ghost Cat is known to us. The other is a surprise to me. You have two paths to the Great Spirit, and you must walk them both. Together, they give you strong medicine, and will make you a great leader among our people."
A thousand questions ran through my mind, but I kept them to myself. I would ask Benny later.
I replied with respect. "Thank you, Grandfather. I hope I can live up to your expectations."
"Do you have time for a short hike tomorrow?" Benny asked me as I was leaving. "There's something I want to show you."
"Sure. What time?"
"Meet me at the clearing at five o'clock."
I was surprised. "In the morning?"
"In the morning. You'll need your headlamp and some water. And wear hiking boots and long pants. There's no trail. We'll be bushwhacking. And I want you to skip breakfast."
The instruction to skip breakfast seemed strange, but I didn't question it. Benny always had good reasons for whatever he suggested.
"Thanks again for the moccasins. I like it that you made the pattern the same as the tomahawk. Is that what you meant about seeing the pattern again?"
Benny was quiet for a moment. "No. We started the moccasins before the camping trip, and Tocho created the design, or believed he did at the time. The footprint is the same, but the repeated pattern on the tomahawk will show up once more."
Once again, he spoke in a manner which didn't invite any more questions.
In the chill morning air, I followed Benny uphill along deer trails towards the base of the mountain which rose behind both of our homes. After a mile or so, we arrived at the bottom of the talus slope which had been forming for millennia below the mountain. Climbing for another two hundred yards, we leveled out on a rocky bench halfway up the slope. The thousand-foot-high sheer face of the mountain rose in front of us. Behind us, the river lay far below, with mountains beyond.
The sun was already lighting the upper half of the mountain. While we watched, the shadow moved downward, changing dawn to daylight.
Benny sat down on a rock and signaled for me to do the same. As we looked across the valley, the sun rose and suddenly flooded our rocky bench with warmth and light.
"It's like being in a cathedral, but even better."
"In the American Indian tradition, that's exactly where we are. This is a sacred place for us, and that includes you, too. Our people have come here for generations to connect with the Great Spirit."
Benny paused. "I know about your experience with the mountain lion a month ago when you rescued Tocho, of course. And your sighting in Indian Heaven. Have you had any other encounters with the Ghost Cat?"
"Yes, I have. The first was when I camped out with Tocho at the clearing. I woke up and the Ghost Cat was lying nearby. He was trying to tell me something. The best I could understand was that he was there to protect us. The other was the evening after I found Tocho. I went to the clearing to think about everything that had happened, and I saw him again. He explained to me that he's my spirit guide, and it was he who summoned me to Tocho."
Benny smiled. "That's what I expected. Within the Indian community, your rescue of Tocho is well known and understood. How Pahana rescued Tocho is already becoming part of our legend. We have no doubt the Ghost Cat is your spirit guide, but it was important that he reveal it to you himself."
He continued with his instruction. "Acquiring a spirit guide is an important part of American Indian tradition. It happens in different ways for different individuals. In the case of Tocho, Grandfather identified the Ghost Cat as Tocho's spirit guide and named him accordingly. In rare instances like yours, a crisis of some kind will cause your spirit guide to make himself known. Most of us have to work a little harder at it, and one reason I brought you here is to show you where and how that's done."
As Benny led me a short distance along the bench, we began to encounter man-made formations among the rocks. In some cases, the talus fragments had been piled into mounds. More often, they were piled into oval shapes, as if someone had stood in one place and built a low wall around himself. In another location, a long rock wall had been constructed.
"This is a vision quest site. In our early history, young Indian men our age came here alone to seek their spirit guide. They fasted and piled rocks in an effort to obtain a vision. This period of physical exertion and meditation could last several days. We no longer pile rocks, but we still come here for the same purpose. We use and respect the formations which are already here. We fast and meditate. That's how I identified my spirit guide."
"The identity of one's spirit guide isn't secret, but it's not widely shared, especially with outsiders. Usually, it's only revealed by the individual when he needs to. In your case, it's widely known among our people. You probably don't fully realize it yet, but it's now understood among all of us that you have an Indian spirit and are one of us."
He paused to let me absorb what he'd said. "Now, I suspect you may have a few questions."
"Yes, I do. It's become clear you have a special role where I'm concerned. Could you explain that?"
"Of course. Those of us who are born Indian have fathers, uncles, or older brothers to help teach us our traditions. You don't have that opportunity. My spirit guide instructed me to assume that role where you're concerned."
Things were coming together for me. "Then that's why I was able to subconsciously communicate with you when I needed your help."
Benny smiled. "That's right. That kind of communication can occur under several circumstances and can't always be predicted. Close relationships, such as yours and mine, make it stronger."
I had another question. "Another thing I've noticed is when I have a new sexual experience, you seem to be guiding me towards it in some way. I think my experiences with Mateo, Pedro, Kahoni, and even my relationship with Tocho were no accident. Am I imagining that?"
He grinned broadly. "With one exception, you're not imagining it. That requires a little more explanation. My spirit guide is Raven. In American Indian tradition, Raven has a number of roles and attributes. One of those attributes is an interest in sex, often with an element of humor. I understand your sexuality, and I've been prompted to direct you towards certain opportunities."
We sat in silence for some time as I reflected on what I'd been told. In a way, it was a little overwhelming. But more importantly, it reconfirmed to me who I was.
Benny continued. "I mentioned one exception. I know nothing about Kahoni. Would you please tell me about him?"
Surprised he didn't know, I gave him an outline of the seemingly-magic board shorts, the other events of that day at the swimming area, and the following night with Kahoni. When I finished, he was smiling.
"Tell me, did you see the Ghost Cat that night?"
"I thought I saw his face in the shadows, but I couldn't tell for sure."
"Did you hear an owl?"
"Yes. Didn't Tocho and your mom tell you about that?"
"No. That's something they would let you reveal to me yourself. Tell me about the owl."
"It had a low call which sounded like boo-boo-boo-boo-boo. Your mom says it was a Pueo, an owl from Hawaii."
Benny paused. "Have you had sexual experiences other than with Kahoni and those which Raven inspired through me?"
I told him about having sexual experiences with Kenji and Karen on my own initiative.
Benny smiled knowingly. "You may learn eventually that those experiences were also inspired, but by another source. But tell me, have you had unexplainable experiences other than healing Tocho?"
I told him about tapping into the connection with Tocho and Mateo, and about the one-sided connection with Kenji.
Benny looked thoughtful. "You are getting some of your powers from a source other than your Indian spirit. There are clues, but right now I know no more than you do. The key is what Grandfather said. You have two paths to the Great Spirit, and you must walk them both. I will help you with one. For the other, you must seek other guidance."
Benny continued. "I have one suggestion, though. Ask your parents about your heritage. Although you have no American Indian heritage in your bloodline, you may have Pacific Island heritage. Knowing that will help you find your second path."
Benny concluded with more instructions. "One more thing. As I said at the beginning, this place is sacred to us. You should come here whenever you want to in order to meditate and communicate with the Great Spirit or your spirit guide. I recommend you do so from time to time. It will help you understand yourself and all of your Indian brothers. I'm always available to you to discuss anything. We don't have to come here to do that either; it was just the right thing to do today. Is there anything else on your mind right now?"
I thought for a few moments, and replied with tears in my eyes. "Only gratitude."
Benny put his arm around me and gave me a hug.
"Tocho and I are as grateful as you are. So are our parents. You're an important addition to our family. Never forget that."
"May I stay here for a while and think about all this?"
"Can you find your way home?"
"Yes."
"Then I'll leave you here alone. Stay as long as you need to."
I found a comfortable rock to sit on with another behind it to lean against. Closing my eyes, I detached myself from the present.
..... I was walking behind the Ghost Cat. On four feet. I looked at myself. I was a mountain lion, too. As I followed behind my spirit guide, we were joined by two other Ghost Cats. I recognized them immediately as Tocho and Mateo.
I followed the three mountain lions into a thicket where my spirit guide had hidden a recent deer kill. The three of them ate some of it. Tocho and Mateo seemed to expect me to do the same. I knew I wasn't able to because I was only a mountain lion in my mind.
I saw that my spirit guide, like myself, was connected to nature and the Great Spirit, but much more closely than I was. Tocho and Mateo had the same closeness, and I wanted it, too. I knew with their help I could achieve it. But it would take time. I would need to learn more first.
And there was someone else. Someone I didn't know yet, who would make himself known to me. Because there was one thing missing before I could walk on my own as a Ghost Cat, one thing missing, one thing missing .....
When my eyes opened again, the sun was overhead. I was perspiring, not from the heat, but from the intensity of my dream. Or was it a dream? Although I hadn't moved from my place on the rock, it seemed to be much more. Then I realized it was a vision, not a dream. That was why Benny had instructed me to skip breakfast, and the final reason why he'd brought me there.
Mom knew where I'd gone, but she would be wondering why I wasn't home yet. Reluctantly, I left this special place. As I started down the talus slope, I looked back at the vision quest site and the mountain behind it. Generations of Indians looked down on me. I couldn't see them, but I could feel their presence. I would come here again to learn more.
In the evening, I went to visit Benny. A couple of things were bothering me.
"While I was at the vision quest site, I had a vision of my own. May I ask some questions?"
Benny smiled. "I thought that might happen. Let's sit outside where we can talk in private."
He led me to a rustic bench in front of Grandfather's small home.
Benny spoke with a reminiscent smile. "This is where Grandfather has answered my questions over the years, and where he still shares his wisdom with me. Hopefully, I can pass some of it on to you. What is it that you want to know?"
"I've read about shape-shifters. Are Indians born with the ability to do that?"
"I'll teach you more about shape-shifters later. But to answer your question, it's something that's learned, and it's usually not an actual body transformation."
"Then if I recognized a shape-shifter in animal form in my vision, it may only have been part of the vision?"
"Visions are usually symbolic. The identity of a true shape-shifter is rarely known by anyone but the individual himself. I suspect Tocho or I may have appeared in your vision. Neither Tocho nor I are shape-shifters, at least not yet. There is one more thing you should know about shape-shifters. They are not unique to our culture. Keep that in mind as you explore your second path."
"If you can tell me, what is Mateo's spirit guide?"
He paused. "Mateo will seek his spirit guide soon. It hasn't been identified yet."
"Then I may have been told something which hasn't been made known to anyone else. I may have seen into the future?"
"Grandfather said you have strong medicine. If you have visions like that, you shouldn't reveal them. If you feel compelled to reveal them for some reason, you should consult with Grandfather first."
I'd learned what I needed to. "Okay, I think that's all. Thanks very much for your advice."
Benny smiled at me. "You're always welcome. Now, go in and make Tocho happy. He's been a pain in the ass all day because you didn't come see him."
I grinned mischievously. "I'm staying all night, so I'm sure he'll be in a much better mood by morning."
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