Insight of Heart

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Insight Of Heart

By

Jennifer L

Prologue

Charlotte sat at her dresser applying the finishing touches of her makeup. She felt along her cheeks with the tiny application brush as she thought with excitement about her plans for the evening. She was not used to spending the evening without those who knew her best.

For as long as she could remember, she had been living the life she believed was expected of her, with the exception of a few beliefs springing from a backdrop of higher education. Tonight, she was trying something she'd been curious about since she'd graduated college and began her most recent post graduate job: receptionist at a local crises pregnancy shelter, a job to get her to her next goal, license professional counselor. She planned to attend graduate school as soon as she could save up enough money to secure a loan. First, she wanted to buy a house and assure herself some independence away from her parents or she hoped any man, who she felt she was becoming less interested in.

Chapter One

Charlotte has always considered herself the typical straight, feminine, attractive girl. Though born totally blind, due to damage to the active nerve in both eyes while her mother was pregnant for her, she never let that stop her and neither did her parents. She attained a regular education with the help of educators for the blind and managed to get along well with her peers. She was quite sociable, outgoing and was willing to educate her friends.

During high school and college, she dated men and had her share of girl friends though they were always friends and she never had any experimentation beyond that with any of them nor thought of it. Throughout high school and college, she and her friends both blind and sighted were of the type who were busy trying to either save the world or spread the message about disability equality, world peace, women's' rights, or some other message and too busy to form any serious bond. Though she dated guys in the past, she never thought long and hard about her sexuality until lately. She guessed it hadn't been the time until now. These days though, she became less romantically interested in the men she had dated since college and the men who showed interest in her now were of little interest to her.

She dated someone for the past nine months and that had not worked out because of her lack of enthusiasm about the relationship or any further commitment on her part. When her boyfriend asked for further commitment she told him that she wasn't interested in the relationship any more and hadn't been for some time. After they broke up, she wondered at her lack of interest in him and the other men she had dated throughout college. She questioned why she had never fallen in love with any of them even though she cared about them. She had slept with the last two, felt the pressure of society and thought there was something wrong with her if she didn't sleep with them even though she lacked enthusiasm about being with her partners whether in bed or in these relationships altogether.

Through all this pondering she began wondering if she needed something different in her relationships. A week ago she tuned into her favorite TV show. It featured two women discovering they were in love with each other. She began to have fleeting fantasies about women late that night, which she tried to push out of her mind. The day after, she remembered instances of thinking about girls in the past and wondering while being with her boyfriends what it would be like to be with a woman. She had tried to repress these thoughts because she wanted to be a married woman and have kids like she thought her parents, friends and past boyfriends wanted her to be. She could no longer fight these thoughts now that she wasn't dating at this time. She began fantasizing more and more about women and exploring her body thinking about women she fantasized about from either the books she read for the past week, television movies she heard or women who came across her path in her daily life.

This idea that she was attracted to women sexually both perturbed and intrigued Charlotte. She didn't know what to do about this because she cared what her friends would think. She feared the stigma of being labeled either lesbian, bi-sexual, or bi-curious. She didn't know how that would change her life since she had always lived in a comfortable world that was socially acceptable. She guessed then, in order to get beyond her fear and find out if there was a world out there for her that she had not discovered yet she'd have to get out there and discover if loving women romantically was a part of her.

For this night, she called off her plans with her closest friends. Several of them had called to ask her to either go to the movies, to go eat out or go to their homes. However, she wanted to go somewhere new. She told them she wanted to stay home and rest. Tomorrow would be her first day off from work in a week. A few days ago, she had overheard a conversation downstairs in her apartment building between two girls, who she didn't know, about her favorite bar, Kats, having Lesbian and Bi-curious Ladies night on Thursday nights. That happened to be tonight. Kats was one of her and her friend's favorite hangouts, but they usually went on weekends. She wanted to go tonight and figured her friends wouldn't show up because they were all straight.

She arranged for a cab to pick her up for 8:00 so she could head out to the club. She had made an appointment to have her hair-stylist, Marylyn, cut her brown hair short, shoulder-length and sassy; the way she new would look cute on her. She put her hair in a headband. Then she put on a blue dress, grabbed her purse and waited for her cab.

Charlotte waited nervously. She wondered what her lone adventure would bring. She wasn't used to such adventures without her friends, but she was independent and had finally become willing to try this out. As she heard the cab horn bellow loudly she walked briskly to the car, tapping her cane in front of her. A wiry young man, who she heard get out of what she figured was the driver's side and walk quickly to the pa'sengers' side, came around to open her door. She could smell his strong clone and cigarette smell.

"Hello miss need help with that door" she heard him say in a jovial voice, As he opened it.

He saw her walking to the door confidently so he didn't offer to guide her to the cab but he thought she might struggle with finding either the door or door handle. Being polite Charlotte thought, I can get that thank you but recounted as she heard him slowly pull the door open in front of her.

She felt for the door and quickly felt her way in as she said, "Thank you".

He swung around back to the driver's seat and asked, "So where is a lovely girl like you going alone tonight?"

"Kats" Charlotte said nonchalantly. She didn't want to reveal too much.

"Oh isn't it lady's night" he piped up making conversation?

"Yeah, so I heard" she answered coolly.

"I have a friend who goes there often on Thursday nights, Angela. Actually, she should be working tonight", he offered getting her to open up more.

"yeah", she said, doing her best to sound disinterested and looking down in her lap.

"yeah, she's gay."

"ok", Charlotte answered nervously, twisting her fingers in her lap.

"are you he asked curiously?" His questions were making her very nervous as she was shy and didn't know herself and didn't know what people would think of her or how they would treat her if they knew she was searching and may take advantage of her.

"I don't know, I don't think so, I just wanted to hang out with some women" she put in.

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, I figured you were since everyone knows Thursday night at Kats is for Lesbian and bi-sexual women. I'm gay myself and so is my friend I'm telling you about."

At this point, Charlotte was thinking the guy was probably just being friendly as most cab drivers but she still wasn't sure. He was more friendly than some of the other male cab drivers in this city.

"I think I'm just questioning some things now, she offered more openly.

"That's ok always time for that. I'm James by the way. If you see Angela tell her I said, hi."

"Ok, I'm Charlotte."

"Good to meet you Charlotte. By the way your faire will be 3 dollars."

"What's this, half off for lesbians tonight" she chuckled!

"I thought you had a chink in that armor", he teased good humouredly! "No, your not that far from Kats."

"Oh never taken a cab here" she commented.

"Always a first time!"

"Think I could get a ride back with you tonight?"

"Yeah, sure, just ask for cab 23. I work till 3 am. Ok we're pulling up."

"Could you pull me up to the door?"

"The closest I can get you is to the curb in front of the door. Just get out the car and step out and you will have to pass between two cars and you'll be right there."

"Ok."

"Will you be ok from there?"

"Yeah, I've been here with my friends a number of times."

"That's good. Any of your friends know you're coming here?"

"No, they don't know about my figuring out things."

"Well, maybe you'll meet a new friend tonight."

"Thanks" she said, smiling "I hope that's a good omen".

She was glad they were on more comfortable terms and that he was a gay guy who could understand her plight. As she handed him the faire she slid out of the car. She walked cautiously between the two cars. She heard a car pull up not too far away and two doors slam. As she was approaching the door and about to put her hand on the handle she heard a couple of pairs of heels come up behind her and two female voices talking.

"Let me get that for you sweety" she heard one of the females say in a sweet, high fiminin voice. Charlotte assumed she must be either a pretty lesbian, a bi-sexual or someone who was here for her first night like herself and wondered about her.

"Sandra she has it. Her hand is on the handle.", she heard the other female say gently but firmly.

The other girl had a deeper voice than Sandra but still fiminin. Could be Sandra's friend or lover, Charlotte thought.

"I just thought she might need help" Charlotte heard the girl named Sandra say as she opened the door for herself and went in the bar.

She could smell the fimiliar smells of smoke and alcohol hitting her right away as soon as she walked in. She could hear a group off to the right playing pool as the loud country music tried to drown them out. The crowd didn't sound thick yet but she hoped it would get that way. She walked off to her left where she usually paid to get in. As she was walking she heard the ladies who had come in behind her chatting and walking in toward the bar. She wondered if she had to pay. Soon a hand tapped her on the shoulder as she walked up to the counter where she usually paid.

"Hi can I help you?", she heard a female voice that was deep and raspy.

"Hi I'm Charlotte this is my first time here on lady's night. Do I have to pay to get in?"

"No mam there is no cover charge", answered a lady, who Charlotte could tell was black by her voice and was smoking a cigarette by the smell drifting into her nostrils of which she was accustomed.

"I'm Angela, Charlotte. I work the door tonight. Are you meeting someone here?"

"No I don't know anyone here. This is my first time here for lady's night. Do you?" She felt a nervousness settle in that made her chattery.

"Well I know the bar tender and a few others. I also know that cute guy that brought you here", she spoke the last sentence with a grin.

"Yes, he told me he was a friend of a girl named, Angela."

"That is true you can belief him."

"I'm glad!", Charlotte said with a smile "Gotta be cautious in this world!"

"This is true. So this is your first time out to Kats on lady's night, Charlotte?"

"Yes it is", she answered, now wondering where this girl was going.

Angela asked, "So are you interested in dating a woman?"

"Yes", Charlotte answered more nervously twisting her hands together and playing with her fingers as she did when she was nervous.

"May I take your hand miss Charlotte?"

"I guess", Charlotte responded with a surprised look on her face.

"There is nothing to be nervous about she said taking her small hands into her big ones. She had big hands that were dry, firm and confident. "I've seen you here on other nights with your friends, so Figured you was a straight girl. When I saw you here I was surprised."

"You have seen me here", Charlotte asked surprised, wondering what a lesbian was doing hanging out with straight people on other nights!

"I have straight friends who I go out with after work and I see you with your friends. So are you bisexual?"

"I don't know. I just need to explore this side of my sexuality and decide if I want to date women. I think I want to date a woman. I've just never done it yet. I've dated men and I've never found anyone I've been in love with. I'm spilling my guts to you and I can't believe it."

"That's ok honey. I'm in love with someone at this bar."

"Yeah?"

"Well, I gotta problem."

"Really, what is it?", asked Charlotte concerned.

"Its nothing tragic honey, don't get too worried!" she laughed gently, lighting up another cigarette. "The thing is I've loved her from a distance for a while but I'm afraid she won't have me cause of my skin color and some other things."

"Oh you're a beautiful woman I'm sure anyone can look past all that."

"Well, as you could see, this girl and I are not close friends. I am good friends with her roommate's x girlfriend. I hang out with her over here and see her at my friend Ellen's house every once and a while, but we're not real close. In fact, she's one of the girls who walked in behind you."

"What's her name?"

"Sandra, she's beautiful! She has long yellowish-blond curly hair and bluish-green eyes; when she looks at you she can see right through you."

"She sounds beautiful. She was afraid I couldn't open the door for myself."

"Oh, don't mind that! She's real sensitive, but that's what I see in her that I love. You see I'm what you call a soft butch. Have you heard of that? "

"Yeah, in college.", Charlotte laughed.

"Yeah, you smart girl. Well, I'm masculine, I work in one of the Dell computer stores putting together laptops and pc's all day from 8 to 5; then I come here after work and have drinks with friends or shoot pool here on weekends or come here on Thursday nights to see beautiful ladies." I work here too of course."

"Sandra is your beautiful woman right now I guess right?"

"Yup, she is the lady who has my heart."

"Who is the other girl with her?"

Just then Angela dropped her hand, "Hold that thought, Charlotte! There's some people at the door! I'll talk to you later! Better get back to my job!"

"Ok, I'll get me a drink."

As Charlotte walked through to get to the bar she had to excuse herself as the crowd was growing and a few people were crowding in around her either meeting friends or looking for friends. She finally made her way to the bar. She climbed up onto a bar stool and felt a body close to her. Then, she heard and felt another woman come over and begin caressing the woman next to her. Now Charlotte was starting to let go of her nervousness and feel her feelings. She could think now that she was away from the straight world and felt she was among friends. She felt aroused sexually just knowing that the girls next to her were embracing. Then she heard one of them press her thigh into the other's stomach and heard her put her hand on the girl's thigh next to her and could feel that the girl who was sitting on the other girl's lap had her thigh between the other's thighs and was rubbing her thigh on her crotch. Charlotte was so aroused she held off on the drink and ran to the bathroom to masturbate. She locked herself in a stall and masturbated alone not caring who heard imagining a girl's breasts and thighs pressed against her. She had no face or name to the girl. She imagined a woman's soft lips kissing hers, her soft body one with hers, while her arms encircled her holding her close. Right then and there she just knew she wanted to be with a woman and love a woman herself. What was it that drew Angela to Sandra? What was it that drove this woman on the bar stool to embrace another woman right there in a bar? What was it that drove women to each other and what was it she loved in other women? She pondered this and being sick of just questioning she wanted to be out there experiencing it.

Chapter Two

Charlotte was glad no one had heard her in the bathroom getting herself off as she got herself together. She walked out into the bar and a woman stopped her.

A rough hand grabbed her shoulder, "How bout a drink! Looks like you haven't got started yet" roared a woman with a deep voice and a serious tone!

"Watch out; she's a biting butch", called another voice!

"I'm Angela's friend, Ellen. She told me to take care of you tonight."

"How do you mean, beat me up?", asked Charlotte jokingly.

"No, but keep up that smart mouth and I just might!", she shot back, smiling. "What's your poison?"

"Nothing too strong; Bacardi Silver maybe."

"Do they have that here?"

"Sure, haven't you been here?"

"Sure I have, smart ass, just never drank the stuff. Butch like me drinks straight Jack Daniels. I'll buy your drinks. Angie says your alone. Why don't you come sit by us. We're playing pool and drinking, but we'll sit you."

"I don't know" Charlotte stammered! She remembered Angela mentioning her friend Ellen but wasn't sure if she could trust her.

"Oh come on we're all just a bunch of friendly girls."

"Ok."

"How do I help you?"

"I'll take your arm and hold it above the elbow and you just walk me over there."

"Oh I get to escort you!", she teased grinning. "Lady knows how to make a butch happy."

"Hum", mumbled Charlotte wondering if this girl had a crush on her or not!

Ellen sat her on a stool next to the pool table where she and five of her friends were playing pool. Charlotte sat there enjoying her drink listening to them explain which balls went into the hole while they acted silly. She was enjoying the jovial group of women and forgetting her sexual feelings. I guess this was why I was meant to come, she figured. She checked her Braille watch and it was only 11 pm. It was still a young night and she didn't have to go into work tomorrow fortunately. She had had two glasses of her drink when Ellen asked her if she had ever smoked.

"No! Never! I don't really wanta start."

"Oh, come on, we all smoke in the lesbian world!"

"Sure" sneared Charlotte!

"Good a woman who thinks for herself. I like that!", she said as she lit one! "How bout being rebellious for one night and just taking one sig, one puff?"

Charlotte didn't know if it was the alcohol. She decided on a puff anyway. She didn't even know Ellen but she figured it would be ok. She and her friend Angie seemed friendly and protective. They were outgoing women who didn't want to see her alone.

Charlotte thought, since these two women took it upon themselves to be there for her she'd at least get to know Ellen. So she questioned her:

"So Ellen do you have a girlfriend?"

"No, just broke up with one."

"Whose that?"

"A very nice girl; it just didn't work out."

"What was her name?"

"Nosy little femme! Her name was Yvonne."

"Oh why should I care; I don't know her; I was just wondering."

"Well, for your info she's good friends and roommates with the girl Angie wants to be with."

"Oh Sandra?"

"Yeah, that's her."

"Do you miss her?"

"Who? Yvonne? No I'm starting to like the bartender who works here, I wanta ask her out."

"How are you going to do that sitting here talking to me?"

"Ok, smarty, I just wanted to sit here and watch my loser friends lose another game of pool. But for your info, Yvonne and I are still friends."

"That's good! I'd like to find a girlfriend!", proclaimed Charlotte finding her courage, "How can I?"

"Have you dated one?"

"No, never!"

"Well, have you dated a guy?"

"Yeah, plenty!"

"Then, you should have no trouble."

"Now, you're being a smart ass."

"Well, its not much different dating women. Charlotte, you seem to have a nice personality and you're cute and you have dealt with your blindness in a way most of us don't deal with our daily problems. You will have no problem finding a girlfriend. My advice is, take your time and don't rush."

"Why not! All of you are way ahead of me", she wined!

"Because we knew we were lesbian in high school or before that! Just because your out the closet, excuse the lame phrase (a late bloomer) doesn't mean you have to catch up in one night. Besides, I know some girl is going to find you special. I can tell you that all ready not even knowing you very well."

"Thanks Ellen! I mean it."

"Hey, my friends are starting to leave. Lets go chat with them real quick!"

They followed Ellen's friends outside to chit-chat and say good-night. This time, when Ellen and Charlotte came into the bar to order drinks, Charlotte just got a coke while Ellen got another light mixed drink. Ellen took that opportunity to ask Heather for a dance to which Heather accepted. Charlotte could tell Ellen was happy after that because she was talking more jubilantly and teasing her more.

"Look Char!", she said, "Yvonne and Sandy are still here just smoking sigs and talking alone. Lets go join them!"

"Sounds good", Charlotte said feeling content to do whatever Ellen and her friends were going to do next.

She was in a sleepy but content state. She figured she felt this way because of the alcohol and that was why she wanted her coke. This was her usual drinking routine when her friends went out because alcohol would make her sleepy, and she hated to sleep on her friends, especially since she stayed out till 2 in the morning with them most nights. Tonight it was even more important to her that she be alert. Charlotte was now greatful that she met women who felt the same as she did inside. She was also greatful that they were so open to accepting her into their world tonight. Now alert, anticipation arose at the prospect of finally being formally introduced to the ladies who had earlier entered the bar behind her, as Ellen guided her over to the table.

"Hey ladies excuse us hate to break the conversation!", Ellen called out to her friends.

"Ellen are you drunk again" asked one girl whose voice Charlotte recognized from the encounter outside and guessed was Yvonne.

"and dragging that poor blind girl around" she heard the other girl say who she recognized as Sandra the girl who wanted to open the door for her. Charlotte grimaced a bit, which she hoped Sandra wouldn't see.

"Who you calling poor, she's drank the least and having the most fucking good time here", Ellen put in laughing her bear laugh.

"I'm going to be you're designated driver", Charlotte teased squeezing her arm.

Sandra whispered in Yvonne's ear, "I hope Ellen doesn't make her a girlfriend, but they sure act like a couple!"

"I don't think so Sandy", Yvonne whispered back!

"What was that?" Ellen shouted a bit loudly, "I heard you whispering." Then she laughed just as loudly.

Sandra took her arm and pulled her into the booth beside her. Charlotte could tell Ellen had sat so she asked if she could sit, Yvonne said there was a seat next to her and took Charlotte's hand, placing it on the back of the chair. Charlotte slid in beside her. Now, Ellen was across from Charlotte and, Sandra was across from Yvonne.

"I'm Charlotte by the way in case I didn't say so earlier."

"Oh I'm sorry", said Yvonne. "I'm Yvonne and across from me is Sandra."

"Hi, nice finally meeting you, Charlotte", Sandra spoke up in her gentle voice.

Yvonne spoke again, "We have to give Ellen a hard time because she gets a bit rowdy after a while when she drinks. I'm going to suggest a walk, but I've noticed you two have been talking most of the night."

"Yeah, Angie put her in charge of taking care of my drinks- I mean, paying for them. I don't know why, but that was nice of her."

"Well, are you knew here?"

"Yeah, never been to ladies night before but I come to Kats all the time with my friends."

"Its Angie's gesture to make a new girl feel welcome", Yvonne noted.

"Well, no offense to Ellen", remarked Sandra, "But I think someone else should have been with Charlotte."

"Oh I was fine", Charlotte protested.

"You were fine", agreed Yvonne.

"Why are you talking about me like I'm not here", grumbled Ellen into her folded arms where she was dozing off? She was a sight with her arms folded over the table in front of her and her head bobbing up and down as she'd drifted in and out of sleep.

"Ellen, I think a walk would do you some good", suggested Yvonne.

"Yeah, its nice and cool", soothed Sandra, rubbing her head.

"Oh, San that feels good."

"I'll go with you", Sandra offered "and I wasn't trying to offend you I just know you get rowdy when you drink."

"I'm not that bad", Ellen protested! "We had fun! Didn't we", she asked looking at Charlotte?

"Charlotte can't see you honey", Yvonne pointed out. "She was asking you." She touched Charlotte on the hand as she said this. Charlotte smiled at her touch. It was warm, gentler than Angie or Ellen's.

"We did fine", Charlotte said steadily "I enjoy talking to you but don't want you to hurt yourself. "

"Ok", Ellen said submissively.

Sandra took her hand and they went out of the bar telling Angela they'd be back.

Charlotte felt awkward sitting alone at a table with a girl she hardly knew. She didn't know whether or not this girl would want her there. She didn't know if Yvonne wanted her to leave or would get up and leave herself. She felt afraid that Yvonne would leave and she'd feel rejected. She liked sitting next to her. She didn't know what it was. She liked joking with Ellen and getting advice from both she and Angie, but neither of them gave her this sence of being connected as she felt all ready in only saying a few words to her. There was something about Yvonne that Charlotte couldn't put her finger on. She couldn't get a grip on why she couldn't figure out what to say to her either.

"So, are you from here Yvonne started?"

"Yes I live in an apartment not far. I went to college and high school here and my parents and friends all live here. I've pretty much had the same friends all my life and picked up a few more in college."

"Are most of your friends blind?"

"No, I have a lot of blind and sighted casual friends. A few good friends. Some are blind. Some are sighted."

"You seem to know this bar well, do you come here often?"

"Yes, I come here a lot with my friends. "

"You said tonight was your first night here for lady's night. What brought you here tonight?"

"Well I've dated men throughout the years; I've never dated a woman. I don't know what its like. I'm just less interested in men and never been in love with any of them. I've found I'm interested in women as I've spent time alone lately. After tonight, I know for sure, I'm attracted to women."

"You do?"

"Yes, all the feelings and just things I've experienced."

She described her experiences with Angela, Ellen and with the girls on the bar stool. She recounted what they'd shared about their feelings for other women and how she felt the same feelings inside.

"Do you love a particular woman Charlotte?"

"No, not yet. All women are attractive right now. Just certain things that different women do turn me on, but no particular woman has caught my attention yet."

"Well, Charlotte feelings are one thing; but, for me, it took a relationship for me to decide I was a lesbian."

"Really?"

"Yes! In fact, when I was with Ellen, it was the best gift I'd been given even if it didn't last. She was my first lover and she taught me what it was to love a woman and to be loved by a woman."

"How?"

"I'd love to tell the story in detail but not here at the bar. Will you visit me at my apartment sometime?"

"Sure! I have off from work tomorrow would that be ok?"

"I work for a bank and my shift runs until 2. I can meet with you after that. I can pick you up at your place."

"That sounds good. "

Charlotte gave her instructions to her apartment and they realized they lived across town which is probably why she'd never seen Yvonne before. Yvonne explained she'd moved here in college and majored in accounting which was a far cry from Charlotte's major so they could have never had classes together. Charlotte asked her if she'd known any blind people. Yvonne admitted she had read for a blind girl in high school.

"Was she straight", Charlotte asked?

"Yes, I believe so. She was boy crazy and always talking about boys."

"Did you like girls?"

"I wasn't really out. I wasn't sure how to express what I was either and who I preferred, but I'll share more about that with you later."

While they were immersed in conversation, Sandra and a more sober Ellen came back to the table.

"How do you feel, Ellen", asked Charlotte?

"Oh better! I hope Heather is ready for her dance", she put in.

"That will wake you up", Charlotte laughed.

"She told me she likes Heather not charlotte", Sandra commented.

"Right", Yvonne teased, looking at her knowingly!

"Quit teasing me Sandra wined!"

"You two quit scolded Ellen!

" Do they always do that", Charlotte wondered outloud "tease each other"?

"Yeah", Ellen answered.

"How did you two become roommates", asked Charlotte?

"We were all three at one time", Put in Ellen.

"Yeah", put in Sandra. "Me and her, I mean, Yvonne, met in college", said Sandra obviously catching on to how to talk in front of Charlotte.

"Were you ever lovers?"

"20 questions", exclaimed Ellen!

"Give her a break El she's figuring this crazy lifestyle out Yvonne chuckled, no we've always just been friends, Sandy and I never had that love bug."

Charlotte laughed. They talked and bantered more till the last dance. Then, Heather came over and took Ellen by the hand and led her over to the dance floor. Yvonne described to Charlotte how they danced Heather gracefully and Ellen stepping on her tows, bumping and grinding against Heather. Of course, Heather was doing the same looking more gracefully. It was a sight; Sandra just kept giggling.

"All right closing tine", Angie was bouncing through the tables waving her arms at the girls. "Of course, how can I kick out the only people in this place who happen to be all my friends."

"We're your only friends", asked Sandra sympatheticly?

"Hardly", Angie slipping in the seat beside her! "You are some of my favorite people though".

When the song ended the girls came giggling and holding hands walking upon the table.

"No place for us to sit, drolled Heather in a low sexy tone"

"We need to get out anyway before we get kicked out", warned Angie!

"How bout we hang out for a while at my place", offered Yvonne.

"Honey you got work at eight", Sandra pointed out in a meek voice.

"Yes Mom well I might as well stay up a few hours and sleep tomorrow. My house or yours", Yvonne asked pointing to Angie?

"Man, aren't you assertive tonight! Ok, yours baby! Mine is a wreck!"

They made arrangements for rides. Since she was still a little intoxicated, Ellen rode with Charlotte Yvonne and Sandra. Angie and Heather took their own cars. Charlotte had never been to a lesbian apartment and wondered if it was decorated any differently. She walked in and smelt a sweet smell like candles and flowers. She knew that women lived here.

"We keep our house very clean, so its not an obstacle course.", said Sandra.

"I'll make coffee, since I started this party.", put in Yvonne.

Charlotte found a couch. Loving to sit on couches, she made herself comfy on what happened to be a love seat.

"Is it fine to sit here", she asked?

"You don't need to ask, honey", said Sandra! "Just make yourself at home! We have two couches."

She was glad Sandra was seeming more comfortable around her. She sat by herself wondering where everyone else was. Suddenly, Angie announced she was coming sit next to her.

"You know how I said I am in love with Sandra?"

"Yes", she let out slowly!

"Tonight is the night I've been waiting for. I don't know how Yvonne knew to invite all of us."

"I don't either!"

"You musta said something!"

"No, I promise!"

"Anyhow! I have to tell her how I feel, or at least ask her out!"

"I say go for it, Angie before your friend Ellen picks her up."

"Ellen", she asked with incredulity in her voice?

"Yes, they had a walked tonight to where off Ellen's drunk."

Angie took Charlotte's hand again, which charlotte was growing accustomed to by now; "Charlotte, you naive girl!"

"I am not naïve! I have dated more boys-"

"Them dicks don't know nothin! No offense!"

"Your probably right", Charlotte laughed."

"No listen, Charlotte, I like you as a friend and confide in you cause your sweet. But, you are still innocent, and this is your first night of the gay scene. Listen, aint no way sandy and Ellen ever gunna go together, cause Sandra feels sorry for her cause of her drinking and treats her like a baby. Aint no way any love gunna last out of that. Even in the straight world that wouldn't last."

"I get your drift."

"Besides, I think Sandy's too loyal to Yvonne as a best friend to ever take her cast-offs."

"Oh is that how this works, you don't date your best friends x?"

"Well in some cases, no, depends on your morals."

"I like you girls! You have some morals!"

"Well, tonight is my night! Do or die!"

"You're gunna do! Don't worry!"

"Also, I think Ellen is definitely interested in Heather if you didn't notice the way they were dancing together. Well, did anyone describe it to you?"

"Yeah, Yvonne did", Charlotte answered, smiling, remembering that there was no other way she could notice Ellen and Heather dancing together except to have it described to her.

"When Ellen wants to be with someone, she means business!"

"I see", Charlotte responded.

A minute later, Sandra came in with two cups of coffee, "Sorry you two didn't realize", she stopped, Seeing Angie holding Charlotte's hand.

Angie let go of her hand to grab a cup of coffee, "Where'd Ellen and Heather go", she asked?

"I saw them go on my balcony."

"Isn't it cold", asked Charlotte innocently?

"They wanted to smoke and talk", said Sandra matter-of-factly.

"I thought Charlotte was naïve!", said Angie sarcasticly. "Come on, Sandy, they're probably sucking face out there! "

"I don't know! I don't get into their business.", she said innocently. "Actually, I thought you two were about to- well- you know-", she stammered.

"We're just talking", Angie explained.

Sandra looked skeptical.

Charlotte could since Sandy didn't believe Angie so to clear the tension she said, "Actually Angie was telling me about another girl she likes and she was holding my hand to teach me because she is kind of like my mentor."

"Oh, maybe I am naïve", admitted Sandra, laughing at her mistaken assumption.

"I think you might wanta give Charlotte her coffee, Sandra", reminded Angie.

"Oh, yeah!", Sandra look down at the cup she was still holding in mid air, took Charlotte's hand and placed it around the handle. "I hope you like it. Its flavored with Irish cream. Yvonne bought it!"

Charlotte sipped it. "Its great she said! I love coffee, especially late at night. Reminds me of college."

"Me too", Sandra agreed.

While they were sipping their coffee in silence Yvonne came in from the Kitchen, "Hey girls I have some fruit cut up here in case you want it. If any of you wanta sleep here or go home just let me know."

"Sure", Angie and Charlotte said at once.

They drank and ate in silence for a few minutes till Charlotte mentioned that this party was quiet.

"I wonder if heather and Ellen left", Yvonne stated everyone's thoughts aloud. As she was looking toward the balcony, the culprits came in. They were breathless and holding hands.

"What are you two up to, or need I ask? Yvonne gave Ellen a knowing smile.

"Can we use your room giggled Ellen?" She stood there holding Heather's hand with an excited but guilty grin on her face waiting for her sentence.

"Bad girl, teased Yvonne. "Just make sure you clean my sheets in the morning."

"I will she said giggling and leading her new lover right behind her."

Just then, hands shaking, Angie took her cue; "Sandy, is there some place we could talk?"

"Sure, Angie", Sandra answered looking concerned!

Her eyelids were fluttering, but she was staying up so she wouldn't feel like she was being rude to her guests.

"Would you like to go in the kitchen", asked Sandra?

"That's fine", mumbled Angie looking down in her cup.

She was afraid if Sandra told her that she couldn't date her she would not be able to date again. She'd rather go into seclusion than to be rejected by this sweet, gentle lady. Sandra looked concerned. Angie looked more nervous than anything, as they walked into the kitchen. Charlotte thought, I wanta listen in on that conversation. Yvonne had a similar thought but also had other plans.

"Mind if I sit next to you", asked Yvonne bravely?

"Not a bit", piped up Charlotte.

Yvonne plopped on the love seat next to her. For a split second, Charlotte was feeling her old awkwardness again. The same awkwardness she'd felt sitting with Yvonne at the bar. But, this time she was alone in her living room with her. Suddenly, along with her awkwardness, a new energy serged forth. Yvonne seemed to be reaching out to her. Charlotte knew that this kind of reaching out took a lot of courage for most people. It took courage for Yvonne just to invite a woman, who was inexperienced in herway of life into her home. Then, she seemed to know what Charlotte needed and how to help her with what she couldn't physically see. Yvonne proved to be brave. She was going to return the favor.

"So, what was your plan?"

"Me, have a plan, no not me", Yvonne said innocently!

"You had a plan! I know when my friends are up to something; and you lesbians aren't any different! You are people too", teased Charlotte.

"You are a little flirt! I must admit, I like your personality", Yvonne laughed. "You aren't Angie's only confidant! I know she has feelings for my roommate and is painfully shy to express them; and I know my x has a crush on the bar-tender so I couldn't help but get their shy butts in gear and get them over here; and I was going to do it tonight."

"You are something! And, where do I come in?"

"I wanted to get to know you better."

Charlotte wasn't sure how she felt about this. This girl was an out and out lesbian and attracted to women. On the other hand, she didn't know how to connect with a woman in a romantic or sexual way yet. There seemed to be some mystery surrounding this to which she didn't have a clue how to solve alone.

"What do you mean by get to know me better?"

"I mean, I want you to become a friend and maybe more. I think you're beautiful Charlotte and I wouldn't mind getting to know you."

"But, you're experienced and I'm not and its 3 in the fricken morning and I don't have a clue how to love a woman even though I want to."

"Its ok, Charlotte! You don't have to know how to express what you want right now. Can I take your hand?"

"I could start there. I feel a real peace with you; I'm attracted to you, but how do I let you know?"

"Are you trying to figure it all out now?"

"I guess I'm thinking too hard about it. I was thinking tonight maybe some kind of experience would help."

"Maybe. Slowly, overtime, some experience could be the key. I would like to teach you and help you find that connection with a woman. Are you willing to let me? Do you want me to help you?"

"Yes! I want you to help me! Yvonne, You're an easy going girl with a great personality and I enjoy talking to you all ready."

"Do you know what I look like", she asked?

"No", Charlotte answered "I was not thinking of that. I was just thinking of your personality and getting to know that."

"Ok, well first, I'll let you feel my hair and my face; and I'll describe myself to you. Would that be ok?"

"Yes, sure! I should have asked.

Its ok! I'd like you to know what I look like. I am 5 ft 5, I weigh I guess 130 and have a relatively fit build. I have dark blond hair and it is pretty long and blue eyes and a pretty average looking face and you can just feel it if you'd like. I do where make up by the way."

"You're pretty!"

"Thank you."

Charlotte felt her long blond hair flowing mid-length over her shoulders and down her back and her arms, which were shapely, thin and long. She had long slender hands and a firm but gentle grip when she took Charlotte's hand. Charlotte liked how soft her skin felt to the touch even though she was fit. She felt: her small, round face around her eyes, her perfect nose, her chin, her cheeks and her moist lips.

"Are your lips pink", Charlotte asked?

"Yup, but I like to put a light pink lip-gloss on them to bring out the color, because they get pale."

"You are pretty", Charlotte stated!

Yvonne took her in her arms and held her close; "Charlotte you are beautiful she proclaimed with awe as though holding a flower she had never picked before! She pressed Charlotte's cheek next to hers. "Charlotte, I don't want to do anything that will hurt you. Do you believe that I don't want to do anything that you don't want to do?"

"Sure I do." She was concerned, wondering what was going on.

"Do you mind if I kiss your lips, Charlotte? I know you've never kissed a woman."

She was so surprised this woman with experience with women would want to kiss her; "You wanta kiss me!"

"Sure I do!"

Charlotte moved her mouth along her cheek till her lips met Yvonne's lips. Yvonne kissed her lightly on the lips. Then, joined her tongue to Charlotte's. Their tongues danced lightly together. They tasted each other's lips as they made out for the first time on the love seat that morning. Charlotte felt energy with Yvonne as she had never felt with any man. Yvonne was warm, gentle and wanted to give as well as receive without being demanding.

"You are so good at kissing, Charlotte! You taste sweet!"

"All I know to say is, wow. Your kiss is gentle and warm, receptive and giving. Its certainly not one I've experienced before. I enjoy being here with you. I think you're a beautiful woman also. I'd like to get to know you better after tonight."

"We'll have time for that, honey. Unfortunately, I have to work and its 4 o'clock. I am going to have to sleep on the couch. I have to get some sleep or I'm useless."

"Well, I know all about that. I have a hectic people person job myself and I need sleep in order to be of use too. Do you want me to call a taxi?"

"Nonsense! I won't hear of it! I'm bringing you home! Hold up while I get my purse!"

Yvonne got up and rubbed her on the shoulder, which sent a shiver up Charlotte's spine. She didn't know if it was the lack of sleep but this woman had her charged up sexually. It musta been the kiss. I sure didn't have that much to drink she thought. A second later Yvonne was back.

"You know, Sandy and Angie never came out of the kitchen. Let's go out my back door!"

"You have one?"

"Yeah!"

"Nice place!"

"Yeah, You bet! Well, I want to give them some privacy."

On the ride home they talked about the night and how they liked it and the kiss they'd shared. They both said they'd love to share a kiss like that again. As Yvonne led Charlotte to her door she unlocked it and stepped in.

"Oh before you go, Yvonne, drive safe!"

"Ok! I want to kiss you before I leave."

Charlotte turned her face. Yvonne took Charlotte's face in her hands and kissed her fervently on the mouth allowing Charlotte to kiss her back and explore her mouth with her tongue. Then, They broke away from the kiss.

"Night" Charlotte said shyly!

"Night, sweety! Until tomorrow!"

Yvonne gave her shoulder another squeeze sending another shiver through her. Charlotte waited in her doorway and listened. She could hear her footsteps as she paced through her hallway and down the apartment building stairway.

Charlotte closed her apartment door on the hushed hallway. She reflected on the night's events, as she moved throughout the apartment getting settled for bed. Tonight had promised her everything she had been looking for. She had met women like herself and a lady she didn't expect to meet. Now, she was willing to accept what this journey was about to unfold for her. This meant for her being open to disclosing to her friends and family that she was open to loving women romanticly. This also meant that she had to change the way she thought about herself and others. She could no-longer make decitions based on what her lovers, friends and parents wanted, but on what was best for her and the greater good of the universe. Charlotte was never a religious type, but was very intuned to the spiritual. It was important to her that she was in harmony with all around her. She wanted to achieve the right balance in life in order to achieve harmony whether that was in personal relationships, physical health, emotional growth or her livelihood. This was what helped her to realize that something wasn't right in her past relationships. She lacked harmony. Tonight she had found something in this group of girls. Along with that, there was definitely something special about her connection with Yvonne.

Chapter Three

It was 1:30 the next afternoon when charlotte heard her alarm go off. She wanted the voice that was telling her what time it was to shut up. She was tired of being told what time it was over and over like she was slow to get it or something. She lazily rubbed her eyes, reached over to push the button, "shut up clock!", she grumbled sleepily. She new she needed to hurry because Yvonne would be here to get her in an hour. She was also hungry and could feel her stomach rumbling like a volcano threatening to erupt.

She took a shower and put on a fresh light outfit, for it was warm today. She wore a cotton spaghetti strap dress that went half way down her thigh and showed just part of her belly. She liked to wear it when she was meeting a guy of interest. Now, she was embarking on a new adventure. She wet her short brown hair with a comb and slicked it back and put on some ear rings and just a little gloss. Today, she was going for the natural beauty look. She was ready at two as she checked her Braille watch. A minute later she heard a knock on her door. She raced excitedly to get it but stopped before to check her nerves. Should I look so nervous, she thought. She took a deep breath and opened it.

"I thought you'd never come", she heard Yvonne say, as she opened it.

Charlotte smiled, "I just wanted to be sure I was ready to see you".

"Not having second thoughts, are we?"

"No last night was great for me! It feels like a dream! I don't know if this is happening to me!"

"You can believe it is!", Yvonne said as she gave her a hug. "I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Charlotte, so I'll move as slow as you need, ok."

"Thank you, I want that!"

"You look beautiful today! I have to tell you. You don't mind that do you?"

"No, not at all! I hoped you would think so! Would you tell me what you are wearing?"

"Sure, I have on blue cotton pants and a white shirt with blue flowers on it. My hair is down and my shirt is cut like yours and I have spaghetti straps like you, so we had the same idea."

"That's great", Charlotte smiled!

"So, can we call this a date" Yvonne asked? Would you be comfortable with that?"

"Sure", Charlotte said giggling!

"Great! Have you eaten?"

"Not at all! Slept through breakfast! What about you?"

"Well, I didn't skip. Unfortunately, I had to eat breakfast and go to work. But, we can have coffee and something for you to eat at a quiet place I know on the edge of town if you'd like."

"Sure!"

"Are you afraid of running into any friends?"

"No, they'll find out soon enough, and if they don't like me, too bad!"

"That's my girl!"

They left talking and holding hands, Charlotte feeling like she was on her first date or finding her first best friend. They continued to hold hands and talk in Yvonne's car on the way to the coffee shop. Charlotte grew up in this town but had only been to this quaint little shop a few times in her life. It was one of the older ones in town and had basically been here from the beginning. They talked in the car about casual things and who they new in town and who Yvonne saw on the road and if Charlotte knew them. It turned out they had a few college acquaintances in common. All the while Charlotte felt comfortable holding her new Girlfriend's hand and very at peace in her company. When they got to the coffee shop it was a very interesting experience for charlotte. Yvonne held her hand to walk her in and order coffee. Yvonne paid for her coffee and insisted on doing that since it was a date. the short middle-aged lady behind the counter noticing they were holding hands stammered out, "What would your f-f-friend like", and Charlotte had to speak up for herself. She was used to doing that. She was trying to decide whether the lady was uncomfortable because she was blind or because she was holding another woman's hand, which she assumed the latter. She told Yvonne about this when they were walking to their table. They giggled about it. Yvonne said this happened to her all the time when she and Ellen held hands, and they always did in public. Yvonne said that one thing Ellen taught her was never be ashamed and she learned not to be. She recounted that of course if she had been in a smaller town like where she grew up she would be more cautious.

"You are very lucky, Charlotte to grow up in a city, even though there are people with their hang-ups."

"I still don't like to make people uncomfortable", Charlotte said.

"We don't either, but we shouldn't have to walk on egg-shells either to keep everyone else comfortable so we all walk a fine line and you know I really wanta hold your hand."

"Thanks", said Charlotte blushing a little, as Yvonne took her hand again.

They sipped their drinks in silence for a few minutes enjoying each other's company while Charlotte got to fill her stomach.

"So, are you gunna tell me your story" prompted Charlotte?

"All right, where shall I begin", answered Yvonne? "Well", she began without waiting for an answer, "Let me begin by telling you that when I got together with Ellen for the first time I wasn't sure how to express what I wanted either. She was out about her sexuality and had been out and comfortable all through high school and was full blown Lesbian in college. When we got together I was shy and wanted to learn and was attracted to women but didn't know how to express my romantic feelings and was afraid. I'd dated a couple of guys in high school although it had never gone beyond going to the movies a couple of times and I didn't even enjoy kissing them. I always fantasized about other girls and figured I may either be a lesbian or it may be a teen aged phase. I needed to be sure though. When I was in college I knew it wasn't a high school or teen aged phase when my fantasies about other women and girls were still there. I met Sandra early in college and she was like-minded. We became close friends soon in our first semester even though we never dated. I wanted to be out. During my first semester in college Sandra and I decided we wanted to share a dorm room so we asked to get assigned together. We began having fun going out to the lesbian clubs together. That was my first time going out and having fun so Sandy and I partied a bit, but we settled down during the second semester because we got an apartment with Ellen. I also started realizing how important my studies were. Anyway, during my first semester I met Ellen and our relationship began. Sandra also met someone and was in a three-year, abusive relationship that it broke my heart to watch her suffer through. Ellen had dated girls in high school. She knew I hadn't dated a girl yet. She was very patient and taught me to find a connection with her. Our first two dates she took me to concerts and a couple of movies by ourselves just so we could be comfortable together, but the first time we went to Kats together she taught me how to slow dance with her. Heather and her girl were out with us that night. Heather has always been a casual friend of ours we'd go dance with and see in school until Ellen wanted to begin dating her within the past month or so. She's always held bar-tending jobs at lesbian clubs and on lady's night at kats and has been a lesbian since high school too as far as I know. Anyway, Ellen taught me how to explore my feelings through dancing. I felt like I could open upto her that way and she to me. After that night, I was able to express my feelings for her through kissing mutually with her and giving her oral sex and she taught me to let her come inside me with a dildo and stuff like that."

Charlotte told her about the one time she heard two women having sex on TV over a week ago. That was her only exposure to what women did together other than listening to girls talking about lesbians in college. Most of what they said in college had been false information at the time and Charlotte had known better than to believe them anyway.

The only exposure Charlotte had to sex was with men. Most of the time, she noticed she projected fiminen qualities onto them without realizing it. She asked Yvonne what some of the myths and facts were that she'd always heard about lesbian relationships. She also asked her every question from: are their different ways women have sex and what is a dildo to how do you know if you've found the right partner? Yvonne spent time educating her about lesbian sex.

"Well, bottom line is, you will have to experience it when you're ready."

They talked holding hands for a couple of hours learning that a relationship between two women takes as much give and take and work as a relationship between a man and a woman. Charlotte found she could only agree with this.

"So, Yvonne, why didn't it work out with you and Ellen?"

"We didn't have the same goals, and she and I agreed it wouldn't work. We are still friends, though. She wants different things in life. She wants to party more than I do and I am more ready to settle down. I think we're at different places in our lives and looking for different things in a romantic relationship. I'm looking for deeper commitment and she's still needing to explore different types of relationships and have a good time. She is still a great person and I care about her a lot. To be honest, I do worry about her drinking."

"I noticed that last night, that she was drinking heavily myself" put in charlotte in a somber tone.

"Well, I just express my concern and be a friend, but she was like that before we broke up." She sighed, "I just hope she and Heather work out."

Me too! "Are you moving on", asked Charlotte?

"Yes!"

Thank you for sharing with me today! "I've learned a lot!"

"Charlotte, if I can suggest anything to you right now that you're beginning, don't feel you need to jump into anything or make any decision just yet. You're here for an adventure, so go at your pace."

"Could we spend time together like this again? I am beginning to like you more the more I talk with you!"

"Me too, Charlotte!"

"Thank you!"

"What are you doing this weekend?"

"My friends want to see me tonight, and I may tell them what is going on- that I'm exploring my sexuality."

"Are you nervous", Yvonne gave her hand a squeeze.

"Yes, a bit", as her hand shook and Charlotte's eyes looked down, though she couldn't see!

"I feel nervous for you and have gone through this before with my family."

"What do I say to them?"

"I would just say I'm exploring another side of my sexuality and I'm interested in dating women, like that and be as honest as you are, Char, I don't know."

"How did your family handle your dating Ellen and coming out?"

"I grew up an only child. They were surprised at first. I told them the night before I brought Ellen home for dinner because I wanted to invite her for dinner. They were surprised because they knew I dated a couple of boys in high school, but the shock wore off 45 minutes after I told them because they thought about my history and that I'm in college and seeing the world. My parents were graduate students in the sixties so they saw everything including women falling in love with women. They knew I hadn't fallen in love with boys and hadn't gotten serious with any one in high school like my other girl friends. They also saw that I was having a lot of fun with Sandra, who I was always hanging out with and now I was disclosing that I was dating a girl named Ellen. They knew that going to college just made you more worldly and open to new experiences, so their surprise wore off quickly."

"My parents were hippies who have always remained open-minded but have grown a bit more conservative as they've gotten older. They've always encouraged me to overcome my limitations", added Charlotte.

"It may not be as hard to come out to your parents then, and hopefully you'll have the same courage to come out to your friends."

"Yeah, I just need to breathe deep and relax before I go."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

"Well, I'll go alone, if that's ok, but I may come see you after."

"Where are you meting them?"

"At my friend, Theresa's apartment."

"You guys close?"

"Yeah, we're pretty close, but I don't know if she will accept or understand that I have feelings for girls. She's not very tolerant of lesbians."

"Awe! Well, I want to support you. If you need anything just let me know."

"I'll call you after we hang out tonight."

"That will be great! The girls and I may be hanging out at my apartment."

"By the way, how late did Sandra and Angie stay up?"

"Oh, they were up past the time I went to bed. When I got back from dropping you off at your apartment, they were still talking in the kitchen. When I got up this morning to go to work, Sandra's car was gone and so was Angie's. I'm a bit concerned to be honest."

"So am I", put in Charlotte! "Then again", Charlotte recounted "It could be things could be ok and they both took a romantic get away.

They laughed, paid for their coffee and left the coffee shop.

Chapter four

Later that evening Charlotte went to Theresa's house for dinner with her friends she'd known since college. Theresa was the most straight friend Charlotte had and dating a guy named Bill. She was boy crazy for as long as Charlotte could remember. She was blind and religious and also took an intolerant attitude toward people different from her including gays and lesbians. The rest of her friends at the party that night were all blind and part of the organization of blind people promoting equal rights for the blind in her community but most were more tolerant than Theresa who she had trusted the most all through college. When she got to Theresa's apartment she and Bill were there talking to mostly couples and being lovy dovy and cooing over their engagement ring which Charlotte had no interest in. In the mean time all the singles were engrossed in the latest organization gossip which she now was not interested in. When they noticed that the usually talkative Charlotte was quiet during the meal, Stacey teased her about talking too much and Charlotte mumbled that there were other places she'd rather be. She was starting to miss the company of her new friends and Yvonne. They had begun to grow on her and Charlotte didn't realize it until Yvonne dropped her off at her apartment. She couldn't get her touch and kiss out of her mind nor could she stop aching to feel Yvonne's hands on her again. Then Theresa comes over and puts an arm around her and pipes really loudly