Disclaimer: This writing is pure FICTION. I don't mean to imply anything about anyone, about their sexuality, character, hair color... and so on.
IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I've been having a lot of trouble with my old e-mail account so I had to change it. If you have sent me feedback to the 'iconis@gay.com' address, I probably haven't gotten it - if I haven't responded, I haven't received your feedback. So, from now on, please send all feedback to Iconis@hotmail.com. And please do send feedback, just a quick "Hi, didn't hate it." is enough for me. :) And sorry for any typos, I don't have a proof reader yet. Iconis@hotmail.com
shouting from the roof tops To Katariina.
Chapter 2
I lasted three weeks before I had to run again. We were in Cleveland, the show had just ended. The guys were bursting with post-show energy and all I could think about was that my head was about to explode. I think Lance noticed me slip out but he didn't say anything. I was smart this time and managed to get back on my own. The run was good but nothing prepared me for the welcome I got when I walked into my room.
My run had taken longer than usual and when I glanced at the clock in the hotel lobby, it was closer to four am. When I opened the door to my room, it was pitch black, just as I expected it to be. I ran my hand against the wall trying to locate the light switch when the small light on the coffee table next to the sofa was clicked on.
"What the hell?" I managed to yell before I understood who was sitting on the couch. "Shit, Lance. You trying to kill me?!" I panted. Now, why did this setting seem somehow familiar?
"Don't yell at me, Josh," Lance said in subdued voice. "Just don't."
That's when I noticed his eyes. His beautiful green eyes were glistening, red rimmed and puffy.
My anger vanished in an instant.
"Hey... what's wrong, Scoop? You trying to conquer my room to yourself again?" I asked carefully. I tried to control my breath as I walked towards the couch and sat next to him.
"Don't! Don't try to act like anything isn't wrong, JC," he snapped.
Now I knew I was in trouble. Lance never called me JC unless he was upset at me.
"What, Lance? Tell me what's wrong?" I said calmly and laid my hand on his shoulder.
Lance went rigid under my touch and abruptly stood up. He took a few steps towards the door.
"How can you do this to me, Josh?" he said, obviously shaking.
"What, Lance? What have I done?" I asked him, puzzled by his actions. "If you tell me what's wrong then maybe I can help you. If I have hurt or upset you in someway, I'm very sorry," I apologized, not really knowing what I was apologizing for.
Lance stopped in front of the door and turned to face me. I had to try and find out what was wrong with Lance before it started to affect us all. You see, when Lance was upset, everything started to fall apart. Not business wise but in the sense that the rest of us just didn't know what to do or how to react when we were around him. We all were so used to him being so damn calm and collected all the time, that behavior out of that line of thinking was almost incomprehensible to us. We'd just hover around him, unable to make any decisions or handle group stuff, until he felt better.
"Why do you do this, Josh?"
I was getting impatient with him.
"Why do I do what?" I said more sharply than there was need to. "Sorry, I don't want to snap at you, but you're not making any sense, Lance."
"Why do you run away? Why do you run away from us and don't even have the courtesy to tell us, tell anyone, where you are going or when you are coming back?" he spat out, raising his voice to me. "You had me worried sick, Josh!"
"Lance, take it easy. I was gone for under four hours, " I tried to rationalize with him. "I'm a grown man, Lance. I really can take care of myself. And as much as I love you for your concern, I really don't need it. I've been taking care of myself all these years and am managing quite nicely. So I really don't need you parenting me, Scoop."
I knew I sounded harsh but I just didn't understand where this all was coming from. It was starting to piss me off. But when I saw the wounded look on his face all of my resolution to tell him to back off were gone. He looked like he'd start crying at any moment. Damn it. I sat down on the couch and padded the seat next to me.
"Come here, Lance."
He didn't object. He walked over to me with that defeated look on his face and sat down.
"Lance, tell me what's bothering you? I know you were worried and once again, I'm sorry for not telling you about my plans. But I'm sure me going for my run isn't the cause of all this. You don't get mad or yell at Joe when he's missing his family and drinking too much, you just make him sober up and keep him entertained until he's feeling better. You don't corner Chris with your questions when he gets his bouts of depression and you try to reason with Justin when he's getting out of control. Why would you scream and yell at me when I spend four hours on my own, knowing very well that I have my cell with me so I can get help if I need it? Just tell me what's wrong, Lance?" I pleaded with him.
Damn it, there were those tears again.
"Oh, don't cry, Lance," I groaned. He was so still and expressionless that it scared me. I wrapped my arm around his shoulders and pulled him closer. "You're really starting to scare me, Scoop. Talk to me."
I think it was my touch that broke the dams. Suddenly I had a mass of shaking muscles in my arms. He was crying in deep sobs, gripping me so tight I thought he'd break my ribs. I shushed him the best as I could, told him everything would be fine and pulled him as close as I could to make him feel better. It took me ages to get him calm down and relax a little. He didn't let me go but he loosened his death grip on me. I kept my arms around him and pulled us in a more comfortable position on the couch. After a while I decided to take a chance and speak.
"Feeling any better?"
"Yeah. Sorry about breaking down like this," he answered me quietly, almost whispering.
"Feeling good enough to tell me what's bothering you?" I kept pushing my luck.
"I.... I don't know, Jayce. Not that I couldn't tell you, it's just that... I really don't know the reason myself, either. I've been really tired... And everybody has been acting up. And after you left today, I understood what was wrong with Joe when he kept stumbling at the show a couple of weeks ago..."
"You're still thinking about that?" I asked him incredulously. No wonder he was tired. He was still thinking about things that were long gone and irreversible. But still, his reasons for the breakdown sounded a little vague but I saw it best to let it go. For now.
"I know it's not smart to dwell on things like this. But it was so unlike Joey to keep messing up like that. Josh, I think he was drunk that night," Lance said, sounding very uncomfortable saying that about his best friend. I had to make a choice - whether to tell him I knew he was drunk because Chris and I had caught him drinking at the hotel a few hours previous to that show or keep quiet that he wouldn't break down again.
"He was."
"What?" It was Lance's time sound doubtful.
I explained the situation to him, telling him how Chris had noticed Joe and Justin's room's minibar was half-empty and how Joe had begged us not to tell anyone. Finally I told him that Joe had agreed to talk to the doctor we had on tour with us about his problems if he couldn't share them with us. Lance seemed to accept my explanation but it looked like to me that he had a hard time understanding why we didn't tell him earlier.
"And this is exactly the reason why we didn't tell you. You lose yourself in our problems, Lance. Most of the time you can help us but once in awhile, no one can help. Just like my time alone. I need it so desperately that sometimes it feels like I can't breathe and nothing else can help me than running," I said trying to make him see my point of view.
"I understand that, Josh," Lance nodded, still looking defeated. "So you're saying I should back off?"
"That would do you good, Lance," I smiled at him, "even if me and the guys will be a little lost without your help. You need to concentrate on yourself for awhile. I mean concentrate on you, not on FreeLance or on any other venture you've got going on."
Lance sat there quietly for a moment, obviously thinking about my words. I took a look at my watch. 5.15 am. I was more than glad to remember it was a bus day tomorrow.
"I'll think about this, Josh. Thank you for your help. And I really am sorry about breaking down like that. I know it wasn't the most mature way to react to any of this..."
"Mature way, my ass. You're human being, Lance. Just like the rest of us, remember?" I teased him, grabbing him into my embrace.
"And you're an angel, Josh," he said into my ear before hugging me back tightly.
We hugged for a long time and then parted.
"You're gonna sleep here tonight, won't you? There's no reason for you to wake Joey up at this hour anyway."
"Sure. But doesn't this room have a double bed?"
"So?"
"So you don't have any objections on sleeping with the gay guy, Josh?" Lance chuckled.
"Very funny. And I've told you not to call yourself that," I laughed. "It sounds ridiculous. Should I ask you whether you felt uncomfortable with sleeping with the straight guy? And besides, I've slept on the same bed with you before, so why would it bother me now?"
"When have you ever slept in the same bed with me?" Lance burst out laughing.
"I slept with you when you were sick," I smiled.
"Oh," Lance said in a one small breath. "You've never told me that."
"Well... I guess we haven't talked much about that time," I shrugged, walking towards the bedroom. Lance followed me.
"I haven't really talked about that time with anyone," Lance admitted, stripping his shirt off at the same time. "So you've slept with me, Chasez?" he changed the subject not-so-smoothly, grinning at me.
"Don't let your imagination get you, Bass. You had been throwing up all night and I didn't want you to be alone. So I ended up sleeping next to you. I have to say, Lance, you're a pretty good cuddler," I teased him, just out of the pleasure of seeing him blush.
"I know I am," he said weakly, still smiling. "But Josh?"
"Yeah, Lance?"
"You're still a better kisser than Chris is," he whispered more or less seductively to my ear when he walked past me to the bathroom. I felt the blush rise up to my ears. Damn, I thought he'd forgotten that already. It had happened a few years back, on the tour bus. We'd all had too much beer, even Lance, and we ended up playing spin-the-bottle in the lounge area at three thirty in the morning.. It was Joe and Justin's great idea to have Lance first kiss me and then kiss Chris to "evaluate" (I think that was the word Joey used) which of us was a better kisser. And even if I'd be the last person to admit it, I could swear that Lance was the best kisser of us all.
I planned my revenge. I took all my clothes off and walked straight to the bathroom, opened the door, buck naked.
"You don't mind me taking a shower, do you?" I smiled sweetly and brushed by him. I could see him still gaping at me through the tinted glass of the shower.
"Keep your tongue to yourself, Bass." That seemed to startle him into thinking again.
"Yeah, yeah. Just mark my word, Chasez, you ain't straight. You don't even know what straight means," he shouted over the noise of the shower," and I'm more than willing to prove it to you."
I heard the door close behind him. I couldn't help but laugh, hard. This had become a hobby of ours. Trying to embarrass each other. And even if Lance had gained a point, he hadn't win yet.
But even amidst of my laughter, I had to wonder about the real reason behind Lance's extreme reaction. Soaping myself, I decided to keep my eye on him, thinking I probably could help him with whatever was bugging him. And, besides, it would give me something to think about. Other than my own problems.
TBC...