Disclaimer: Not implying anything about anyone... Don't know any of them, as much as I'd like to... and so on.
A little late, but finally finished. I'm getting a little tired of this begging myself, but I do need feedback. I really like writing this story but I don't have any reason to keep posting it, if I don't know whether anyone is reading, right? Iconis@hotmail.com
To Katariina.
Chapter 4
I laid awake in my bed for a long time before falling asleep, thinking about the discussion I'd had with Chris earlier. It had left me puzzled and even a little scared. How did Chris know about that? Had I said or done something to make him think that I harboured some hidden feelings towards Lance? I hadn't spoken to anyone about this, I was quite sure that I didn't display my feelings for Lance in my actions - I treated Lance the same way I treated all the guys, or at least I tried to. But if Chris had noticed something, anyone could have. Chris was in no way the most perceptive of us - Lance hadn't earned the nick name Scoop for nothing - and if he had noticed my feelings, almost anyone could have. And if this got out, it could only end in chaos.
I tossed and turned, finally getting my thoughts to quiet down. I concentrated on Chris' even breathing and those little sounds he made. Come to think of it, they were kind of cute and relaxing. Somewhere between those sounds and my thoughts I fell asleep.
The next day was fully booked with interviews for every imaginable type of media. We barely had time to have lunch before we were dragged to dance rehearsals. Then it was time for the obligatory meet-and-greet before the show - I've always hated them. I could take the questions - I knew the questions and the answers by heart, they just came in a different order every night - but the time between those questions when you had nothing to say. I usually sat there drifting slowly to my thoughts before someone, usually Chris, nudged me back to awareness.
The concert was great, as usual, and when we shuffled to the bus - one night of pure hell ahead of us - everyone was ready to crawl up in their bunks and to never get up, again. There was some normal restlessness amongst us so it took over an hour to things to settle down. Justin and Chris had gone straight to bed, leaving me, Joe and Lance to sit around in the lounge. We were trying to decide whether to watch a movie or play a game of poker or something but a nice good conversation won over those options. Joe was telling us baby stories - and they definitely were a better choice than an second night of tossing and turning, alone, in my bunk. And it gave me a chance to spend time with Lance so I could see if he was feeling better and acting as his usual self again. If you had asked me, that was the only reason I was hanging around him.
Two hours after we had left for our next destination, Boston, Joey suddenly stood up and announced he was going to bed. And there we were, Lance and I, alone.
Just like a hundred times before.
And somehow, for me, everything was different.
I never planned to fall in love with him.
"Whatcha thinking?" Lance said softly, smiling kindly at me.
"Just... stuff. Nothing drastic. Just feeling a little detached from my surroundings today," I answered him truthfully, giving a small smile.
"Yeah, I noticed."
"Oh?"
"Yeah. You've been deep in thought all day."
"Well.. a lot to think about, I guess," I mumbled. I made the mistake of looking into his eyes.
When had all this happened? When did I start seeing Lance's eyes the way I saw them today - open, kind, inviting, somehow infinite - and not just a pair of friendly, if dazzling, green eyes? When did my gaze first drift along the line of his shoulder down to the curve of his bicep, over his chest, downwards to the small dips of his pelvic bone on his lower abdomen? When did the curiosity in my looks turn to longing?
I didn't remember one, exact moment. It wasn't like I fell in love with him at first sight. I guess it had happened along those many years we'd known each other. And then the revelation had hit me when, one late night last May, I had watched Lance change his clothes for bed in one of those countless hotel rooms we'd had shared. I had finally understood the depth of my feelings for that incredible man who now sat opposite to me on the couch. I realized why I sometimes felt those strong tinges of jealous towards Joey when he asked Lance to room with him or why I had gotten dead scared of the idea of Lance going to space. I was in love with him.
"You alright?" he asked, startling me from my thoughts.
"Umm... yeah. It's just... well... never mind. I think I'm just tired from last night." I saw Lance blushing.
"Yeah... um... I still am sorry for my outburst..."
"Lance, I told you to forget about it. You aren't the first of us to break down like that. And speaking of that, have you thought about what I said to you the other night? About taking care of yourself and cutting down the work load?" I perked up. My protective nature had risen when I remembered Lance's behavior.
"Yeah, I have. I know it sounds like a cheap excuse but there never seems to be a good time to do that. I know, I know, but I just can't abandon my projects all of a sudden. I have too much at stake. They are my future," Lance stated suddenly. I was a little frightened to hear that.
"Wait a minute. Are you thinking..."
"No! I didn't mean it like that. It's just that 'N Sync isn't going to be around forever. You know that I want something to fall back on if and when something happens to us."
"I know. You just made it sound like... well, I don't even want to think about it."
"Neither do I. It's just... you know."
"I do."
The discussion pretty much died after that. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence, more of a tired one. I stared out of the window into the darkness. It was raining and small trickles of water ran down the glass. I glanced over to Lance. He was doing the same thing, half sitting, half laying on the end of the couch, his hands folded on his chest. He stifled a yawn, his nose scrunching up adorably. He looked tired and a little lonely somehow. On a sudden impulse I raised myself and scooted closer to Lance.
"Make room, Scoop."
He opened his posture and I slid my back against his chest. His legs were on my sides and he wrapped his arms around me. It felt so good, I felt warm and loved. And still there was a small nagging feeling of guilt in the back of my mind, knowing that his touch was somehow stolen. But I had decided early on to take everything I could. Because there was never going to be an us, his touch would always remain somehow illicit.
I amazed myself with how well I had internalized the thought that me and Lance was never going to be. I remembered the relief and pure joy of the day when Lance came out to us a few years back. I had loved the way all tension and anxiety drained away from his face and finally his eyes when he understood that his being gay didn't change one fucking thing between us five.
My joy had turned to sorrow when a blushing Lance introduced Kyle to us with the words "I love him to death" a few days later. Joe, Chris and Just had welcomed Kyle with open arms and even I noticed myself warming up to Kyle, who was nice, polite and most definitely genuine in his love for Lance.
And even when a few months later, Lance came to my house with red eyes and tear stained cheeks, sobbing in my arms, I didn't give myself permission to go after him. He was too vulnerable, hurt, that I felt like I would be using him if I came clean to him about my feelings. There was always a good reason for me to keep my distance. Somewhere along the line, I saw my reasons for the poor excuses they were - in the end, my restraint had nothing to do with Lance and all to with me.
"You asleep?" I heard Lance whisper near my ear.
"No. Just... relaxed."
"I thought you'd be sleeping by now," his low bass trembled in his chest.
"Nah. You wanna get up? I can move if you want to."
"No reason to do that. Don't want to get up. Too warm and comfortable."
I smiled and felt a small blush rise up to my cheeks.
"Me too."
I broke our arrangement for a second and reach up to take a blanket from under the sofa. I spread it on us and cuddled back to Lance.
"You prompting us to sleep like this? Because that's what's gonna happen," I felt him chuckle under me.
I was scared of loving Lance. We knew each other in and out, but the thought of getting even closer, sharing everything him was frightening. I wasn't sure that I could open up to him - share my feelings, thoughts, my life with him - if you truly love someone, you have to be able to share. Even more, I was scared of Lance's rejection. By the time things were clear for me to make my confession, I had loved Lance for so long that the thought of him not wanting me was so utterly crippling that I didn't get my mouth to open when I had the chance. And the longer I procrastinated, the further I got from sharing my feelings with Lance.
So there I was, laying in his arms, feeling completed by his touch and trying to get my thoughts to die down to just to enjoy the situation. Somehow I had lived with my feelings this far. I would keep doing that as long I'd have to. I wouldn't tell Lance anything - I wouldn't set him up for getting hurt. I didn't want to first pull him close and then shut him out, like I had done with everyone important in my life before. I was good at talking about feelings, I felt things strongly and vibrantly but I didn't know how and when to share them. It's was easier to close up, speak about things in general and keep the distance. No one got hurt. I didn't get hurt.
"Good night, dear," I heard a soft whisper and felt a small kiss in my hair. Lance relaxed even more under me.
"I love you..." I murmured, feeling less than coherent. Sleep took over me like a warm summer breeze.
I woke up hours later when I felt someone's eyes on me. I blinked and saw Justin standing a few feet away, an unreadable expression on his face.
"Good morning," I mouthed to him.
Justin nodded and gave me a small smile.
"Is he fully asleep?" I whispered to him as quiet as I could.
Another nod.
I smiled back at him.
"He looks more relaxed than in ages," Justin whispered, grinning at me.
"Shhh."
"Just saying. Go back to sleep, it's too damn early for messing with your head," Just continued smirking and walked back to his bunk. It didn't take much for me to fall back asleep with his arms around me.
TBC...