This story is fiction and not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of any celebrity mentioned.
"It's not just me" part one
"Tell me that something is missing in your life"
His eyes are what made me love him, aside from, his smile, voice......him. I wish I didn't feel the way I did, it just seems wrong to me. But I feel so alone, so not fufilled when he's not around, but as soon as he walks into a room, or when he calls me, I feel not so alone anymore...that I'm completly whole again. But the funny thing is I know he walks into a room, before I even turn around to see if my suspicions were right; I know it's him on the phone before I even look on the Caller ID. Impossible things seem not so impossible when it envolves him, or he tells me I can, I just do it and think how I thought it was impossible in the first place. How if I have trouble sleeping, he'll stay up, even though he loves to sleep, until he's sure I'm fast asleep. At times I wonder if he feels the same way I do? Just with the little things he does like that. Or when he used to gently rub my stomach when it was upset when I was younger and sing to me. Like the time, which wasn't too long ago, when I "broke" up with Britney and he was there, as I pretended to fall apart, and allowed me to sleep in the bed with him. I had to pretend, how else were we supposed to pull off a fake romance, I wasn't interested in her, or girls for that matter; and she wasn't interested in me, she loved Nick. I felt bad "tying her down" and let her go, it hurt yes, but I was more scared than anything, now I didn't have a cover up. I didn't have someone to call and talk to about Josh, no one to tell me it would be alright, that one day I'll find someone who will love me the way I needed to be. Perhaps one day, Josh will come to his senses and see what's in front of him, which is not likely. But I won't let my hopes die, I'll keep believing that somehow, someway, he'll realize he loves me, as more than a friend. That he'll tell me what I always wanted to hear, what I needed to hear.*
"Curly, Jus, Just, JUSTIN!!!!" Lance Bass screamed trying to bring his friend back from wherever he was.
"Huh?"Justin asked, shaking out of his thoughts.
"Where'd ya' go?"
"Nowhere, just thinkin',"he replied.
"I called your name like four times, what has a hold on you, you're not the same Justin, what's wrong?"
"Nothin' I promise, just thinking about the past ya' know, how things used to be?"he lied.
Lance just shrugged it off, he knew that if Justin wanted to talk he would, "Just know I'm here if you wanna talk. Be downstairs in ten minutes we have rehearsal."
"I know, and thanks." Justin replied while Lance shut the door behind him as he went downstairs.
Justin didn't like rehearsals, they were tiring, long, and he had to watch Josh sweat and strip down to a pair of pants or shorts only, and keep his hands to himself, not to mention his eyes. Justin threw on some tear-away pants and a black wife beater and walked out the door, key in hand.
Praying all the way through the elevator ride that he didn't have to face JC yet, that he'd have a little bit more time before he had to keep his heart from slidding down on his sleeve. As he rounded the corner, there he was, in black windbreaker pants and a red wife beater, hair concealed by a familer looking black Nike hat.....it was his, he couldn't help his heart from the slip.
Justin slipped out of his clothes as he let the water warm up in the shower. He stepped in and let the water cascade down his body, soothing his tired, achy muscles. He sat there letting his mind wander back on the days events, how he embarrased himself afraid he'd never be able to face any of the guys ever again, especially JC. He quickly washed himself, and stepped out of the shower, drying himself off with a towel, imagining JC there instead how he would linger in certain places and gently.....he got shaken out of his thoughts again by the banging on the door. He swiftly and painfully pulled a pair of sweat pants on and ran to the door, who's knocker was knocking furiously now.
He opened the door, breathing as if he just ran five miles, "h..e...y." JC took in Justin's appearance, his chest, which still held a few water droplets from the shower. How JC wished he could just lick them off...'WAIT.....WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT?!?!?!, this is Justin, your little brother. Who at the time looks so good you could just eat him....'STOP IT JOSH...DON'T DO THIS AGAIN! SNAP OUT OF IT RIGHT NOW!!!'
"Why do you look like you just ran a marathon?" JC asked.
Justin looked down sheepishly, not wanting JC to see his eyes, which were full of love for the older man.
"I...was..in ...the shower..."he explained.
"I kinda figured that, well the guys and I were going to go somewhere, like clubbing or a movie or something, we wanted to know if you wanted to come?"
Justin stepped aside to let JC in, and glanced at his clock it was only 10PM he could still go and get plenty of sleep. 'Besides', he thought, 'Josh wants me to go.'
"Yeah, just let me get dressed, kay?"
"Sure I'll just watch TV till your done." JC replied already enthralled in the Television program.
Justin slipped out of the room, with a pair of khakis and a white wifebeater with a A&F t-shirt to wear over top. He loved that shirt, Josh had bought it for him last Christmas, but not as a Christmas present, as a get over her present. He loved how Josh could always make him feel better, and forget things so easily. But this one thing he knew Josh couldn't make him forget, he caused it, he didn't know it, but he did. No matter how sweet Josh was to him he knew that he couldn't comfort him and make him feel better, unless he told him the words he wants to hear. He wanted him to say that he felt the same way, that all the sleepless nights, all the dreams, all the tears, he didn't shed alone; it wasn't just him.
In the other room
After Justin shut the bathroom door, JC relaxed, he quickly thought about what had just happened. He had let his mind wander again, how stupid he was for letting his guard down, letting Justin make him weak, again.
'He probably knows now you idiot,' Josh screamed at himself, 'he's never been embarrased to change in front of you before, now because of your foolishness he's never gonna want to be around you again!'
For so long JC has knew he liked Justin, he's known even longer that he was gay. He wasn't in love, he knew that, but if he kept thinking about him, he was going to. Never, EVER, did he want to do that. He just watched from a distance, admiring Justin's body, as well as mind, praying that one day Justin will give him some kind of sign (no pun intended) that tells him he feels the same way. That he can't sleep, has trouble eating, his dreams, his tears, were all for him. That all of this JC isn't going through alone, it wasn't just him.
Justin, Joey, and Chris got into one car, as JC and Lance got into another. JC knew why Justin didn't want to ride with him, and he didn't blame him. He wanted to tell Justin, he wanted to so bad, or just tell someone, anyone, just to get it off his shoulders. He turned back around in his seat to be greeted by Lance's smiling face, there was the answer to his prayers!
"Josh what's wrong, your not sleeping, I can't remember the last time I saw you eat. Please Josh whatever it is you can talk to me." Lance begged, watching JC's invisiable wall crumble in front of his eyes.
"You wanna know what's wrong?..I'm lonely okay, I don't have anyone to share anything with, I have no one, nothing." JC almost yelled, knowing that it wasn't a complete lie.
"Josh, you know your not alone, you have all of us, your family," Lance saw JC flinch when he said family, "Josh is there something else bothering you, because I saw you visably flinch when I said the word family."
"Lance do you promise to keep this to yourself, but above all do you promise that whatever it is you won't turn your back on me, that you won't walk away?" JC pleaded, almost whispering the last line.
"I promise, nothing you can say will ever make me turn my back on you, now what's wrong Jayce?"
"Do you remember our last vacation, when we all seperated and went to visit our families?"
"Yeah, you came back so much worse than before; yes you didn't sleep, as much, before, and you occasionally you skipped meals, but you looked like you came straight from the streets." Lance replied remembering.
"I did, in a way, I was only at home for the three days out of the fourteen we were gone. I told my mom what I'm about to tell you, and she didn't like the idea very much, but other things made it worse. I'm not apart of my family anymore for something I can't help or change. Lance...I'm...I'm....I'm gay." he said the last part so quietly that Lance wasn't sure he heard him. JC was gay, he liked guys.....so..what's so bad about that that his mother had to react the way she did?
JC knew by the look on Lance's face that he had just lost him too, he knew then, he knew he couldn't tell anyone else, it had to become his secret.
"Is that all Josh, is that all that she had grounds on to disown you?" Lance asked. JC couldn't help it anymore, he let himself crumble, let it all out, and let someone touch him, let Lance hold him, because he understood. He didn't loose Lance, he still had him, and probably more than before.
"Thank you so much Lance you had no idea what this means to me....do you think I can tell the other guys?" he asked with such innocense that Lance almost cried.
"Yes you can tell them, they won't care."
"Well will they care about my other secret, what made it worse?"
"What's that?"
"She took my son away from me." he said quietly.
"YOUR WHAT?!?!" Lance exclaimed.