"I'm not sure that I will ever get over it Jake, I'm still very hurt and pissed that you would just throw me away the way that you did." I poured some peanut oil in the wok and threw all the veggies In to start cooking.
I opened a can of refried beans and put aside. I made homemade fried rice a few days ago so I grabbed that out of the fridge and set it on the counter.
I was having a hard time concentrating.. I was truly shaken to my core that Jake was even here. I figured that I wouldn't see him again especially after a few months had passed with no communication.
I turned and faced Jake asking "Why don't you set the table. The plates are in the cupboard next to the sink and the silverware is right below. There are cloth napkins in one of the drawers in the hutch."
I grabbed the sour cream and avocado's from the fridge. I was at the stove again tending to the wok. The veggies were almost done so I put them on a platter. I threw more oil in and added the chicken in. Once the chicken started browning I added the veggies back to the wok. I let them cook for about five minutes and dumped the whole thing onto a platter. I poured all of the rice into the wok to warm as well as the refried beans. Once it was warmed I dumped them in separate bowls and asked Jake to take everything to the table. I quickly made some Guacamole and sat that on the table.
Looking at Jake I asked "What would you like to drink?"
"A beer would be great."
"I will be right back.. could you pour me a glass of milk please."
I started for the stairs as Jake asked "Where are you going?"
"The beers downstairs behind the bar in the beer cooler. I will be back in a few seconds." I grabbed a few bottles just in case Jake decided that he wanted more than one. I walked back up the stairs as Jake came out of the kitchen with my milk.
"Where do you normally sit Chance."
"I usually don't, I usually eat at the breakfast nook. It doesn't really matter where I sit Jake. Go ahead and have a seat, I need to heat up some tortillas anyway." I gave Jake his beer and put the others in the fridge. I grabbed the extra large flour tortillas out of the fridge and placed a damp paper towel in between each tortilla and nuked them for 20 seconds. I grabbed the salsa out of the fridge and put everything on the table and sat down.
"Ok, I think we have everything."
"It smells and looks great Chance."
"Thanks.. did you want to drink your beer out of the bottle or did you want it in mug?"
"This is great. Thanks for asking though."
"Help yourself Jake, Dig in.. before it gets cold."
We sat and ate dinner not saying much at all. I had never felt this tense or uptight. I finally gave up and asked "How long are you going to be in town?"
"I don't know. . I will be here as long as it takes." He said.
"As long as what takes?" I asked.
"For you to fall in love with me again..Hell for you to look at me like you don't want to rip my head off."
"Do I really look like I want to rip your head off?"
Smiling he said "Yeah.. I thought you were going hit me earlier."
"I would never hit anyone Jake, unless I was defending myself or someone else."
"I know.. it was just the look on your face."
I picked up my fork and started loading a tortilla. I took a bite as Jake asked "Wheres the nearest Hotel?"
"Well lets see. You will have to go about 40 miles to the northwest or 30 miles to the east. You can stay here Jake.. I have three other bedrooms. You can take your pick and stay as long as you like."
"Are you sure your fine with me staying here?"
"No.. but I know if showed up at your place you would do the same thing for me. So yes its ok."
"Thank you Chance... I appreciate that."
While Jake was on his third helping he asked "Who taught you how to cook. This is so awesome."
"I guess we never talked about our childhoods. Mom worked nights.. I really never saw her until the weekend unless I was home sick. I had to learn to take care of myself. I learned to clean, cook, wash clothes and anything else that sustained my life. Mom taught me a lot about cooking. The rest I have picked up. I try anything that sounds good to me." Laughing I added "I have ruined plenty of dishes also."
"Well this is awesome.. thank you so much."
"I'm glad that you like it, did you need another beer?"
"Yeah, that would be great."
I picked up my plate and put it in the sink and grabbed Jake another beer. I sat it down in front of his plate and started to walk away. Jake grabbed my hand and stopped me. I turned so that I was looking at him. "I really am sorry Chance. I have missed you so much these last few months. I want you to know how truly sorry I am and that something like that will never happen again. I promise you."
I pulled my hand away and walked back into the kitchen, grabbed myself a beer and went and sat back down at the table. I put both of my elbows on the table and leaned forward so that I would have Jakes full attention and said "Look Jake, I'm not going to sit here and say that I don't have feelings for you, because I do." The look on his face was priceless, You could see the angst leave his face the moment I said that. So I continued "I really need to talk to you about a few past relationships so that you understand where I am at in all of this." He started to speak but I held up my hand saying "No, let me finish." I paused and then continued on. "The first one was great up front.. very loving and everything that I could have hoped for.. that is until he started drinking. Then it became angry and violent. The second time he hit me was the last time he would ever hit me. He came home drunk again and I had had enough. We started fighting and he hit me." I chuckled and said "I went off.... I ended up breaking his nose and giving him a black eye. He moved out that night and I haven't seen him since." I paused, took a breathe and took a swig of my beer.
"The last person I was with was Steve, I thought he really was the guy for me. I was madly in love with him. We went out for almost three years. It started great also. We spent a lot of time together, I met his friends and he met mine we went out and hung with everyone at least twice a month. Some of his friends are still great friends of mine.
I noticed that he was spending a little more time away from home after about a year and a half but figured it was due to the company he worked for. Then a little over two years into the relationship a friend of Steve's came to me and sat me down and told me that He considered me a good friend and didn't want to see me hurt and proceeded to tell me that Steve had been having an affair with a coworker for about the last six months. I confronted Steve when he got home and he said yes that he was and that he didn't have any intention of ending the relationship. I packed his bags for him and he moved out that night."
I wiped away the tear that was running down my check with the back of my hand and added "I'm telling you all of this Jake so that you understand where I am at. After the last relationship I started seeing a counselor because I couldn't figure out why I was attracting all of these guys that really were bad for me. Well, within a few months of therapy I discovered that I cant change how anyone feels about me or who wants to date me, but I have total control over who I date. I was spending so much time trying to keep them happy that they looked at me like a care taker. I took care of them, so that meant that they I guess in turn thought they could treat me the way they wanted and I wouldn't do anything about it since I always tried to fix everything."
Jake sat and watched me the whole time that I was talking. He leaned forward and asked "What does that mean for us?"
"I'm not going to take care of you Jake. Just like I don't expect you to take care of me. I'm not going to try and fix everything that could possibly happen between us. Any relationships that I have from now on will be a two way street and will never turn one way for me to ever travel alone again unless I decide to travel it alone. If thats not something that you can handle then I guess you better head back to Beverly Hills."
I got up and cleared the table and started loading the dishwasher. I heard Jake get up and come into the kitchen He walked up to me and leaned over and threw his beer bottle away in the garbage which was under the sink. He brought everything over that needed to be washed by hand. I filled the sink with hot soapy water and washed the remaining pans and sat them on the counter and then proceeded to scrub down the kitchen. Jake stood watching me the whole time not saying a word. Everything was done except drying the few pans. I grabbed a kitchen towel and dried and put the pans away. I shut the kitchen lights off and asked Jake "Are you staying?"
"I would love to."
"Well then lets go get your bags." We walked out the side door to a brand new beautiful Jeep SUV Jake was driving. "Nice ride Jake. Must have cost you a fortune to rent this?"
"Its not rented." he answered.
"What, is it one of those promotional things the stars get for going to premieres and stuff."
"No... I bought it, but its not mine."
"Ok....whatever " I said tired of talking in circles. "Open it up and lets get your bags and head in side." I heard the latch click as Jake pushed the button on the remote. I grabbed two bags leaving the last for Jake and headed towards the house. I put his bags down in the kitchen waiting for Jake. Once Jake made it inside I asked "What room did you want to stay in?"
"Yours?" he asked timidly.
"Thats fine. I will take the spare room up here then."
"Nooo.. I want to be.... in your room.... with you." He said.
"I'm not sure thats such a good idea Jake."
"Why?? I love you and I know you still love me.. as far as I am concerned we had a spat and took a little break."
"A break from what Jake.. what were we?" I asked getting pissed.
"We were boyfriends. I want that again. I want to be your boyfriend, lover and life partner."
"God Jake it sounds like a really bad gay romance novel."
Laughing he said "I know it sounds corny, but thats how I feel. Cant we try again.. cant you forgive me.. I would never hit you or cheat on you Chance, I love you too much for that. And I will not let you walk away from me again." I watched his facial expressions change from laughing to totally serious with his last word.
At that point my mom decided that it would be a good time to show up. She got out of her car looking at the new SUV sitting in my driveway. She walked into the back door yelling for me. I walked into the kitchen saying "I'm right here.. No need to yell."
"Nice Jeep.. Is it yours?"
"No.. its Jakes."
"Who's Jake?"
"I am." Jake said as he walked into the kitchen from the living room..
She looked shocked. You could tell that she recognized him by the look on her face.
"Mom.. this is Jake. Jake this is my mom Mary."
Jake walked up to her and extended his hand saying "Its nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you from Chance."
She shook his hand and said "Thats funny I haven't heard anything about you except what I've read in the tabloids.".
"Well this is a little awkward isn't It." I said. They both looked at me and I started laughing. "Mom i will explain it all to you one of these days. Jakes here on vacation."
She shrugged her shoulders and finally said "Ok.. sorry. You just caught me off guard. Hell who would be expecting Jake Gyllenhaal to be standing in your sons house."
"Sorry mom I should have warned you, but I wasn't sure I was going to ever see Jake again.
"Ohhh.. I guess you will have to tell me whats going on later then. Well I better run I know its getting close to the time you go to bed. I just wanted to come out and see if you were ok. "
"I'm fine mom.. thanks for coming by." I went up and hugged her and told her that I would call her tomorrow.
"It was nice to meet you Mary,.. sorry about the surprise." Jake said.
"No problem.. nice to meet you too Jake." She walked out the back down and started her car and backed out of the driveway.. I burst into laughter. I turned to Jake and started laughing harder. He stood looking at me like I had jumped off of the deep end.
"You cannot imagine how fast this is going to get around the family, We will start having visitors in the morning."
"Really?" He asked.
"Oh yeah. They will all want to come out and meet you. I will put a stop to it in the morning. They can wait until Sunday to meet you when we have the family get together.
Jake looked at me and said "I'm kinda tired from the drive.. can we go to bed?"
"Lets put your suitcases in my bedroom and I will make room for your stuff tomorrow morning. I grabbed the two suitcases I had carried in and threw them on the bed. I said unpack what you need now and we can store the suitcases in the walk in closet."
"Okay. Sounds like a plan."
"I feel kinda dirty from working outside on the garden today .. so I'm going to jump in the shower and get cleaned up. If you need anything just let me know. " I walked over to the dresser and pulled out a t-shirt and boxer briefs and walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I went to the sink and brushed my teeth wondering the whole time should I let him sleep with me tonight.. no sex... but sleep together. I truly still did love him and wanted nothing more than to sleep right next to him.
Conflicted would be a word for what I am a this moment.
I was in the shower when I heard a light knocking on the door.
"Jake you can come in, after all we've seen each other naked before."
"I know but I wasn't sure if you wanted me in here because of whats happened."
I stuck my head out the door and said "Make yourself at home Jake. When you cross a line that I feel uncomfortable with I will let you know."
"That sounds reasonable to me." He walked further into the bathroom and put his toothbrush, toothpaste and shaving kit on the counter as he watched me the whole time I showered. He turned and plopped his butt down on the counter and said "God your beautiful."
"Get out!!!!!" I said laughing.
"Fine.. but its the truth.. you are so beautiful."
"OUT!!!!" I could hear him laughing as he shut the bathroom door. I finished my shower, dried off and redressed, as I reopened the bathroom door I could see him laying down on the bed. It looked like he was sleeping. I walked up to him and took off his shoes and socks and shook him awake. I told him to get ready for bed. He stood up and pulled off his shirt and pants and dropped his boxers, and got into bed. I grabbed one of my pillows and started walking out of the room when he asked "Where are you going?
"I'm going to bed. I will see you in the morning."
"Chance please.. Please.. just sleep next to me. I promise I wont do anything or try anything. I just want to feel you next to me." He leaned up on his elbow saying "I promise."
"Ok.. Ok.. dang. But you try anything.. your ass is downstairs,"
He smiled at me saying "Deal."
I went over and pulled the covers back and got in, I settled onto my back with my arms crossed behind my head. I felt Jake move a little closer to the middle of the bed and within minutes heard his light snoring that I had become so accustomed to. I moved a little closer to the middle of the bed and turned on my side so that I was facing away from Jake. I fell asleep within minutes. I woke in the middle of the night having to pee. Jake was spooned up against me with his arm draped over my side and his hand on my stomach. I removed his hand and arm and slowly tried to get out of bed trying not to wake him.
"You ok?" Jake asked.
"Just have to pee.. I will be back in a few."
"Ok. Love you." he said as if it was the most natural thing for him to say.
I went into the bathroom and did my business and went out to the kitchen to grab a drink of water. I stood at the doorway just watching Jake sleep for a few minutes. I walked back over to the bed and got in. I again laid on my back with my arms above my head. Jake snuggled right up to me with his head on my shoulder and the rest of his body against mine. I figured what the hell and wrapped my arm around him and snuggled as close as I could get. I heard him sigh and start his light snoring. I tucked myself in a little closer and fell back to sleep. I woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off. I crawled out of Jakes grasp and threw some sweat pants and socks on. I went into my home office and started my computer. I signed on and said good morning to Reva and Deby at the office. It was a typical day at the office with lots of computer issues and problems. I finished my work by ten and was on the phone with Sherri going over a few glitches that need to be worked out on the system. I hung up with Sherri and swung around to start some breakfast when I came face to face with Jake. I screamed like a little girl and fell off of the chair. I started laughing immediately.
"You could have warned me." I said not irritated at all.
Smiling at me he said "Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. You were so involved with the phone call that I didn't want to interrupt.
"Thats ok. I was just going to make some breakfast." He followed me out to the kitchen when I opened up the fridge and pulled out the eggs, bacon and toast. I went to the pantry and pulled out some potato's and started peeling them to fry. Jake came and stood next to me talking about how nice and quite it is here.
"How Did you sleep last night?"? I asked
"Better than I have in about two months."
"Thats good. I did too.. except I kept being someones drool rag."
"I don't drool!!"
I looked at him and said "oh really?? then what do you think these puddle marks are from?"
"Those are from you jerking off and using the shirt to soak up the cum."
Laughing loudly I responded with "The only thing leaking on this shirt was from you last night." I put the griddle on the stove for the potatoes and added some oil and waited for it to get hot enough.
"Jake?'
"Yeah?" he said walking in from my office.
"How do you want your eggs? And how many?"
"Scrambled would be cool and I would say two or three."
"Ok... you gonna help or just walk around naked all morning? I cannot believe your not cold."
"I am a little cold." he said as he had good bumps running up his arms.
"Well then go put some clothes on and get back out here and help me make breakfast." I finished washing and cutting up the potatoes as Jake came back out wearing some shorts and a t shirt. I threw the spuds onto the griddle pan to let them start browning. I started the bacon on the other side of the griddle. I went over and started a pot of coffee. Jake came up beside me and partially hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. I turned and looked at him asking "'What was that for?"
"Not kicking my ass yesterday and letting me stay."
I smiled at him. "Well you do realize I do have work to do around here. So after I get breakfast done I am going to head into town and pick up some supplies that I need to finish a rock wall that I'm working on out front. You can come if you want. Or you can sit around here sipping martinis and eating Bon Bons like the rest of the folk do in Beverly hills."
"Did you ever see me eat a Bon Bon or drink a martini the whole time you were in Beverly Hills." He asked smiling at me.
"No.. anyway I will be working outside again today.. I just wanted to let you know."
"I would love to help you do whatever your doing."
"I would love the help." I looked over at him smiling. I am falling.. yep falling hard again.
I went over flipped the spuds and then turned the bacon it was coming along nicely. I looked over at Jake as he stood against the counter watching me. "What?" I asked.
"Nothing.. I just.." He didn't say anything else. And looked down at the ground.
"Spit it out Jake."
"I just don't want you to get mad at me."
"Well I don't know what to tell you. I guess you will just have to trust that I may get mad but get over it.. or wont get mad at all. I cannot imagine what you have to say could be that bad"
I turned and messed the spuds around so that they would cook evenly. And flipped the bacon again. I went over and cracked the eggs into a bowl and whisked them together. I grabbed two plates and silverware and set the breakfast nook table. I pulled out milk, orange juice and jams. I walked up to Jake saying "Did you want to talk about it? Or are you just going to stand here and keep it all inside?. I think this is how our first problem started wasn't it Jake. Don't shut me out. Tell me how you feel and whats going on in the little tiny head of yours."
He looked up and into my eyes, I could see he was on the verge of tears. I reached out and hugged him saying "Talk to me Jake, If you want this to work between us you cant hold this stuff in... Just talk to me... ok."
He hugged me so hard I thought he was going to break my ribs. "I messed up. Big time."
"How? And why?" I asked becoming scared of all the possibilities.
"I sold my house in LA. I put everything in storage, I told mom and dad that I'm gay and had met the man of my dreams and then screwed it all up. Mom and dad are so mad at me, we haven't spoken for about a week." H was crying heavily at this point so I just continued to hold him in my arms.
I kissed him on the cheek and asked "Why did you sale the house?" I pulled back from his embrace and went over and tended to the spuds and bacon again. They were doing fine so I leaned on the counter and waited for his answer.
He walked over and stood next me saying "I didn't like the feel of the house once you left. It just didn't feel like home anymore. So I had everything packed and put into storage and sold it."
"Wow." was the only thing that came to mind "Ok. But what about your mom and dad. Were they that upset because you told them you were gay? They just seem like the kind of people that would care less if they had a gay child."
"No not that I was gay.. but because of the way I acted and treated you. They told me that they kinda figured that I was gay anyway.. and when you and I met they saw how happy we were together. They went off on me when they heard what happened that final night."
I turned so that I was facing him and said "God Jake I am so sorry." I gave him a long affectionate hug and said "I guess we both could have handled things a lot better than we did. Huh."
He started crying harder, so I just held him until he started to calm down.
"See what did I tell ya.?"
"Huh?" he looked at me with a confused expression on his face so I said " last night this was a drool rag and now its a snot rag. The things I do for the people I love."
"You love me???" he asked excitedly.
"I always have Jake. I really didn't like you for a while. But I never stopped loving you."
He leaned in and kissed me and it truly felt like I was at the exact place I should be in my life.
I released him and continued making breakfast. The spuds were almost done as well as the bacon. So I threw the eggs in the frying pan to scramble. Jake grabbed the toaster and started toasting the bread. We just sat down to start eating when someone knocked on the door.
"Here we go with all the visitors." I went and opened the door to see my second cousin Chase standing there looking tired. "Whats up Chase? What are you doing up so early?"
"I came over to see if I could use Your jeep. I have to go to Columbia for some intro test with college and they are saying that were suppose to get bad weather this afternoon."
"When did you need it?"
"I have to leave in an hour."
"Have you eaten?"
"No I was going to pick something up on the way."
"Come on in and sit down and eat something I made plenty." We walked in and I introduced Chase to Jake. It was like it didn't even phase Chase. I sat down and started eating again.. I looked up at Chase to see him starting at Jake. So I spoke up saying "You know where everything is Chase. Get a plate and fork and whatever you want to drink before you have to go."
"So.. is it ok if I use the Jeep then?" he asked.
"I was going to pick some stuff up to finish that rock wall but it can wait. I would rather see you safe on the road then the rock wall done. I can get the stuff tomorrow or later this week. So yes you can use it."
"Cool thanks Chance I appreciate it."
"Yeah yeah.. whatever."
Chase came over and sat down at the table and looked at Jake point blank and asked. "So what brings you to Missouri?. Long way from Hollywood or New York isn't it."
Jake looked at me and then Chase and then smiled saying. "I came to visit a really good friend and spend some time where nobody will find me."
Chase looked at me and narrowed his eyes asking "How long have you known him?"
"About two months." I replied.
"Are you the reason he came back so sad." Chase asked.
"That was probably my fault, yes." Jake responded honestly.
Chase turned and looked at me asking "And every things ok now?"
"Fine Chase.. don't you worry about it."
"Don't tell me not to worry about it. I love you.. your my best bud. I don't want to see you get hurt or be sad like you were."
"I love you too buddy.. now shut up and eat."I smiled at Jake who had a very happy look on his face.
"We can take the other Jeep and get the supplies Chance." Jake said.
"I'm not taking or having you take it to get supplies . The things beautiful. It was be trashed with mud in the back."
"So" he answered.
"What do you mean so. You have to take it back to who ever you got it from. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it being trashed."
"Well I will leave that up to you. Since its yours."
"What?" I asked. I could hear Chase choking on his food.. I slapped him on the back and continued to look at Jake.
"Its yours. I got it for you. You can do whatever you want with it. The only thing we have to do is go to the local jeep dealership and finish filling out all the papers."
"No. I am not going to take a gift like that Jake. Its to much. Plus... well.... Just.... NO."
Chase started laughing as he said "I have never seen or heard you be at a loss for words."
"Shut up Chase!"
I looked back at Jake who shook his head and again said "its from me to you. Its a gift. Its yours to do with what you want."
"I don't like it one bit Jake.. But you can keep it here and when you come into town you can drive it.." Jake smiled at me.
Of course at this point Chase said "Can I take the new jeep to school?"
I looked over at Jake and said "Your on your own on this one. Its still your jeep as far as I'm concerned." I got up and started cleaning the kitchen up. They were still discussing the use of the jeep while I finished washing the pans. I went over and picked up Jakes and Chases plates and loaded the dishwasher and started it.
"Chase you have about ten minutes before you need to go. You know where my keys are in case you take my jeep. Be careful.. if the weather gets bad you call me and I will put you up in a hotel." He didn't respond. "Chase did you hear me?"
"Yeah.. sorry..... Thanks Chance."
"Well boys I'm going to go put on some old ratty clothes and go work outside." I walked into my bedroom and grabbed some old jeans and and old T-shirt with an old hoodie to go over it. I pulled on some long socks and my work boots and headed back out to the kitchen. Jake was still sitting at the table but Chase was gone. I sat down and had another cup of coffee. I looked over at Jake and asked "Does anyone know where you are?"
"No.. I didn't tell anyone that I was leaving."
"Jake .. call Maggie and let her know your ok and that your here with me."
"I'm not sure I want anyone to know where I am.. I just want it to be you and me for awhile. I want to work on us without distractions."
"We will have distractions here also Jake. As you can see by last night and this morning. Life goes on. Call your sister and let her know your ok. Shes probably worried sick."
He flipped open his phone and started dialing. I heard him say sis its me and then a lot of yelling on the other end of the phone. I decided that now would be a good time for me to go outside.
JAKESCHANCE@GMAIL.COM