Here is the part 3 rewrite. I believe I posted this one originally in summer 2001. I hope you all are enjoying this little foray into the past. I've actually heard from a few people who read the story when I originally posted it, and now they're reading it again. One nice person even said that they've read it three times; a reader after my own heart! I've read my favorite stories at least five or six times all the way through.
Feel free to contact me with comments, questions, or whatever at BoroTN@gmail.com.
Part III
My realization of that night proved to be very correct, I discovered. Over the course of the next three weeks, James and I spent a lot of time together. He came over a lot for dinner and a movie, or we would go play in the park. Yeah, I know it seems dumb for two guys in their twenties to go playing in a park, but it was nice to be carefree and forget about school and work and stress. Besides, it gave me a chance to ogle James' fine body. One time we ended up playing a game of one on one basketball, and I decided it was a good opportunity to feel him up a few times. Each time I did it he would let out this cute sound, almost like a squeal. Then he would grin and mutter, "Pervert." It was nice to be light, which was something I had been sorely missing in the weeks before James and I met.
Then there was the time we went roller blading. I think that James was born on wheels, since he always had to slow down for me. I am not too good on those things, and I was constantly losing my balance. Then again, it's hard to concentrate when the guy you are with happens to be gorgeous and he strips off his shirt about one minute into the day.
I skidded and slipped about five feet behind him, but I got a great rear view. James was wearing a loose pair of nylon shorts that somehow managed to leave both everything and nothing to the imagination. Every stride he took would cause one of his round, hard ass cheeks to push against the nylon. He also had a beautifully developed back. He didn't have exceptionally broad shoulders, but they were very nicely muscled, and his back tapered nicely to his waist. All this would be going on in front of me, so I don't think it was really all that strange for someone who is supposed to be athletic to lose himself in the action of James' ass muscles and then find himself sprawled on the sidewalk. I got a great fringe benefit, too. It gave me a chance to look up James' shorts when he would turn around and come back to haul me up, and I always got a tantalizing view of his jockstrap-wrapped package.
"Damn, your ass is heavy. You need to drop some of that weight," he said after the fourth time. I gave him a withering stare, and he broke into laughter. "You know, I am beginning to think you are falling on purpose. Nobody who is athletic as you is THIS uncoordinated."
I just grinned. "I'll never tell," I said as I pushed off and glided smoothly past him.
That's how our relationship went in the early stages. It was extremely light and free, compared to the raw, intense first night. It just reinforced my belief that James was psychic, since he seemed to know exactly what I needed. All of my previous relationships had been emotionally intense, and they had always drained me. I needed the playfulness and lightness, and it worked wonders. I was forming an incredibly intense bond with him already.
Granted, we did have a few intense times over those three weeks. A lot of the time, something I would see on TV or hear on the radio would spark a memory or a feeling in me and we would end up with me on the floor, sitting between James' legs with my back to him, and him sitting on the couch rubbing my shoulders. I would pour my heart out to him, and he would always sit and listen patiently.
One time James had come over for dinner, and we were washing an incredible week's worth of dishes and listening to the news. There was a report on this special program for gifted children, and James noticed how I had gotten quiet and was paying close attention to the report.
He put his dishtowel down and turned to me. "So you want to talk about it?"
I just smiled ruefully and began washing again. "It's just funny that they talk about that. I told you that I was a `smart kid' before, right?" I asked him.
"Yeah, you did that first night. Tell me again though." James always did that. Even if I had told him some story from my past he always told me to tell him again, and he always listened intently. It made me feel like the most important person in the world.
I finished washing a plate and handed it to him and he began drying. "Well, I was always smart. I talked at an early age, I read at an early age, all that great stuff. It wasn't bad at first, being in elementary school, because kids don't pay much attention at that age. But then we started athletics and then it all changed. I wasn't really interested in it then, so they started teasing me."
"Children can be so cruel," James said with a snicker.
I grinned back. "Yeah, no kidding. I would come home every day, pouting about what some stupid brat said to me. I didn't really know how to let that kind of stuff roll off at the time; I guess I still don't."
James just nodded at me. "Yeah. Go on."
"Well, one day I got into a fight with this one kid. He had called me a sissy brain and for some reason, I snapped. I ended up pounding the kid into the ground, which was no small feat for me. He must have outweighed me by 15 pounds. I tell you, it was like that scene in `A Christmas Story' when Ralphie beats up the neighborhood bully." James was clutching his sides in hysterics as I described how I let out a "stream of profanity" as I bloodied and bruised this kid's face.
As I went on, I told him about how I began to slip into a withdrawn, colder manner. I began working on my athletics even then, at age 10. I just withdrew from being the outgoing, friendly kid I once was and slipped into my silent, "tough guy" demeanor. I got into a few more fights between then and my sophomore year in high school, and nobody ever bothered me again. James put his hand on my shoulder and rested his head on it, silently giving me support. I told him how I forced myself to become a football powerhouse, starting all four years of high school at linebacker.
At that point, James pulled away and began concentrating on his dishes again, which confused me. I looked at him, but he was fixed on a pot he was drying. Without looking up, he asked, "So, did you ever mess around with your teammates in high school?"
I looked over at James again, expecting to see the sly grin that always crossed his face when he spoke about sex, but he was still fixed on the pot. "Nah, I didn't mess around in high school at all. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," he responded quickly. He finished drying the pot and walked out of the kitchen. I was really confused at how he walked away from the conversation so quickly, and I wondered what was up. As I began washing another dish, I reflected on the past few weeks. James had been pretty vocal about his life recently, but when we started to go further back into the past, into the realm of his undergraduate days or high school , he made some evasive answer. He never said a word about his family either. Some part of me was starting to get annoyed. Here I was, spilling my guts all the time, and he was clamming up on me. I quickly dried my hands and followed him into the living room, where I saw him sitting outside the door smoking.
I sat down next to him. "What's wrong with you?"
He exhaled, blowing smoke. "Nothing. Why?"
"Well, you just got quiet all of a sudden."
He dragged again, deeply. "Nah, nothing wrong. just needed a smoke."
"Well, okay. I guess I'll finish the dishes while you smoke." He just nodded and dragged again. I went back in and finished the dishes, more confused than ever. I thought some more on the pattern. Whenever I talked about most stuff, he was always very supportive, but whenever I brought up my family or something like that, he got weird on me. He especially got weird whenever I talked about my high school and college sports days. I just figured he had something happen with his family that bothered him when I talked about mine, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what about my sports days got to him. I was just mulling this over when James walked in. "Hey babe, I need to go get some stuff done before tomorrow, so I'm cutting out early."
I walked over to him. "Okay," I said, "But you'll miss the good movies. This is the only night they're free on cable."
James grinned at me. "Always about being a poor grad student, huh?" he quipped.
I couldn't help it. The girliest sounding giggle erupted from my throat, making James fall all over himself in laughter. I seriously thought he was going to wet himself. I was mortified; I can't believe a sound like that came from my throat.
"Okay," he said after he got his breath. "I'm out of here." He bent and kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug, then he left.
I sat at the window, watching him walk down the street. Our relationship was going really well, so far, but there had been a few surprises for me. First of all, I think we set a record for a gay relationship. For a guy as horny as I always seem to be and for a guy as sensuous as James always is, the fact that we hadn't had sex yet was a shocker. This had been going on for nearly four weeks. I had set a personal best jerking off recently. A date with James always had me in a lather, and we never really did anything beyond basic touching above the waist.
I decided right then that I was going to do a little investigating. I changed my clothes quickly and went down to the bar where James and I had met. All in all, it was the nicest bar in town, gay or straight. It was really more than a bar, it was a bar and grill-type deal. Two of my best friends, Todd and Barry, owned it. Todd ran the bar, another guy named Karl was the manager, and Barry usually showed up on odd nights just for kicks.
Barry is 32 and works as a corporate attorney. He's really cute. If you met him outside of work, you would think he's a total airhead. Blond hair, sort of slim, total pretty boy. But when he's in lawyer mode, he's Mr. Iceman. Barry can be one of the coldest and most ruthless guys in the world, which makes me very glad he's on my side. So it isn't at all surprising that he was able to bulldoze me into going down to the bar that night. I may be a tank, but I don't think anybody could stand up to the sheer force of his personality.
Todd is Barry's husband, and they have been together longer than I have known them. They were celebrating their second anniversary the month after I first met Todd at the gym. Todd is absolutely beautiful. I met him the first week I was in town to start my graduate degree. I started trying out gyms in town, and while I was at this one really nice place I saw this incredible male animal. He had short black hair in a brush cut, piercing blue eyes, and a perfect body that you usually only see on porn stars.
Once I finally got over the sight of him, I actually struck up a conversation with him. He was quite open about being gay and he told me he was married, but then he asked me if I would like to come out with his husband and him that night after we finished working out. He thought since I was new that it would be good for some people who knew the city to show me around. I readily agreed, since I was desperately lonely at the time.
That started the ball rolling. Todd and Barry were really the only people I truly connected with, and we did a lot of stuff. I was at the celebration Todd threw when Barry made partner in his firm, and I was there for their fifth anniversary. In fact, I have already been put in charge of their tenth anniversary party, which is coming up in a few years. I was also there on the night when Todd opened up his baby, his dream, a bar and grill. I never felt like the third wheel when I was with them. I think that I will always be for the better for all the time I spent with them in the years right after I came out, because now I will always have them as a role model for a good gay relationship.
The bar is all-inclusive, but pretty much a gay place. You don't usually find the dance crowd you see at most gay clubs. Todd is big on sports, so he always shows ESPN and major games and stuff on TV, but there are also nights when he has entertainers there. It was spectacular on those nights. He's had a few budding comedians and several singers to perform. A few of them went on to become fairly big stars. And the food was always good.
I walked in and immediately saw Todd. You can't miss him, mainly because of his black hair and build, or maybe because of the crowd that's always around him. Barry and I always get a kick out of this, as they always hit on Todd relentlessly, and Todd is very polite but always distant until Barry shows up. Then I get to sit back and watch the mouths drop and the gazes turn green with jealousy as Todd always gets mooshy with Barry whenever he shows up.
Todd looked up and saw me and grinned big. The crowd turned and looked to see what attracted the god's attention, and saw me. I got a few interested glances, but I knew how to express my disinterest. The crowd cleared open as I walked up to the bar. "Hey buddy, how's it going tonight?" Todd asked. "Want something to drink?"
I smiled at Todd. "Pretty good, Todd, and no thanks on the drink. I've got something on my mind. Have you got a minute?"
Todd grinned even bigger. "Always a minute for you, bud. Hang on a sec, let me get Jim off his break." Jim works the bar as well. He's also cute in a rugged kind of way; I've heard several times that he's into the leather scene. He's always been really cool to me, and we're fairly good buddies.
Jim walked up and took Todd's place and Todd motioned me to a table over in the corner. I could hear the disappointed murmur as Todd walked away from his crowd. "Your fan club isn't happy to see you go, stud," I joked.
Todd just laughed. "I think they'll get over it. So what's up?"
I stared at my hands for a second, then stared right into Todd's eyes. "So what do you know about James' past?"
Todd looked away for a minute, then back at me. "What makes you ask that, Dave? Everything okay?"
"Yeah, it's just that he clams up at strange times."
Todd frowned. "Like when?"
I shrugged. "I was talking about my old football days tonight, and that made him quiet. He asked me if I ever messed around with any of the guys on the team in high school, and he had this weird look on his face. Oh yeah, he also gets quiet anytime I talk about my family."
Todd frowned again. "Wow, Dave. I don't really know what to say about that."
I just looked at him for a second, studying his face. Todd could never hide anything from anybody; he's just too expressive. "You're lying, Todd. You know something."
Todd just looked at me. "Dave, this isn't my place. If James has something to tell you about his life, it should come from him."
"Todd, look." I was starting to become exasperated. "Every time I ask him about what's going on, he just says it's nothing and starts chain smoking, which he hardly ever does. Now I want to know something. If you don't tell me, I'll just find somebody else to ask."
Todd just stared at me for a few minutes, then smiled wryly. "You know, Dave, this side of your personality isn't exactly endearing."
I shook my head and let out a gust of air. "Fine, Todd. See you later." I got up to leave, and then Todd grabbed my arm. I looked at his hand, then at him. "You have something to say?"
He just shook his head in defeat. "Sit down," was all he said. I recognized that look. He meant business. I sat again, but I wasn't going to totally back down. I kept my look of impatience on my face.
Todd sighed. "All right, Dave, I'll tell you some stuff, but if you want to know the full story, you'll have to ask James right out. Okay?"
I nodded. Finally, I was about to get more than a cloud of smoke and a muttered "nothing."
Todd took a drink from the water in front of him. "Well, it goes back about 5 years. I don't know where he came from, where all this happened." I nodded in encouragement. "He was a decent athlete in high school and all that, but mostly he was just popular. You also know how he has that air of confidence around him; well, it translated into snobbery in some eyes. Not that he meant it that way.
"His family was fairly well off, I know that much. To the people around him, it seemed like he had this armor and nothing could touch him. He definitely had enemies around him, and when they found the slightest dent, they went for it."
"What happened?" I asked, my curiosity piqued. Now we were getting somewhere.
"Well, he graduated from high school and was preparing to go off to college. He was eighteen. He had been out to himself for about a year at that point." I knew that much about his past, since he told me that he had stood in front of the mirror and admitted to himself that he was gay on his seventeenth birthday. I just nodded my head for Todd to go on, and he did.
"James went to the town where he would be going to college and spent a few days as part of a program they had. While he was there, some of the guys he met took him to a gay bar in town, and he had a great time. He ended up messing around with one of them, and so on. Well, he got some stuff about the school's gay student group and threw it in his backseat with the rest of his stuff. As it turns out, I guess he forgot to put it where it wouldn't be seen or something, because it sat exposed in his back seat for a while. Finally, somebody noticed the rainbow booklet with the word `gay' in big purple letters."
"Oh my God," I said. Somehow I could see what was coming.
"Yeah," Todd said. "Gets better. Turns out the girl who spotted it was the girlfriend of one of James' rivals. She told her boyfriend, and he told a bunch of other guys. Well, one night that summer, James was leaving work and a bunch of the guys from the football team jumped him and took him to a barn or something outside of town. They beat him up and then," Todd paused and took a deep breath before he looked right into my eyes, "they raped him, Dave. Repeatedly, brutally. Over and over, for about six hours. They took him back to his car, and left him lying next to it."
I closed my eyes, but that couldn't keep the image of that beautiful person lying beaten, bloody, raped in a parking lot. I could feel hot tears filling my eyes. I was starting to regret ever asking what happened. No wonder he didn't want to talk about it.
"Sorry, Dave, it doesn't get better. Just gets worse," Todd said. How could it possibly get any worse, I wondered. Then I found out.
Todd went on. "After that, James spent four days in the hospital. He wanted to press charges against the people who did it, but his parents were strangely against it. He had to admit to them that he was gay and why the guys did it. When he was released from the hospital, his parents, well, they didn't outright say anything to him, but he could tell there was something. They were cold and distant. Finally, he overheard them talking about `their faggot pussy-boy son.' He decided to leave, so he packed up as much of his stuff as he could and left. He went to the town where he was going to go to college and set about putting his life back together."
"What did he do? How did he get by?" I wondered.
"I'm getting to that. James only had what he could get to himself. His regular bank account was joint with his parents, so he didn't use it or his credit cards. He had another account with some money that he'd set aside over the years, and he used it as long as it lasted. That got him a decent place to live and there was enough money left over along with money he got from a job as a waiter to get him through the summer. But it wasn't enough to pay for college too, so he did something drastic. He started stripping at a bar, and that eventually led to hustling. I don't know why a kid who was so together ended up doing that. Personally, I think the trauma of being raped and everything made him more susceptible to falling into it.
"He hustled for about three years, and he saved everything he could and even invested some of it. He carried a full course load, worked at the restaurant, and hustled in his free time. He got through school and here he is now. He managed to keep his hustling life separate from everything else so it wouldn't come back to haunt him when he started teaching, and he went to another state to do that."
I felt like I had been hit by a truck. It seemed like it was all falling into place. True, there were big pieces of the story missing, but I had the basics. It all seemed perfectly logical now. James' desire to get to know each other before we had sex and his distance when we discussed family, it all seemed right. The tears were flowing freely. My lord, what my poor James must have gone through all those years. I looked back up at Todd. "I take it he still doesn't talk to his parents?"
He smiled ruefully. "No, not at all. He is financially independent, so he doesn't need to. Barry and I met him one night when he came in here. He found out Barry was a lawyer and he asked for a little free legal advice. He has a lot of money invested and saved back. If you're worried about him hustling, don't. He's put that behind him, a long time ago."
"I know, I know. I was just thinking about all he's had to go through. Do you know if he's told anybody else about this?" I asked.
Todd shook his head. "He told Barry some of it, and Barry told me. I haven't asked him any of it, and he hasn't told."
I sat there thinking for a second, then stood up. "I need to talk to him."
Todd stood up and turned me to face him. "Look, Dave, this stuff may have happened years ago, but the wound is still barely healed. You need to give him time to tell you this himself. It may be that he likes you and all, but isn't sure he trusts you yet. You need to give him time," he repeated.
"What I need to do is let him know that I am here for him, and that he can talk to me about it," I said as I started for the door.
"Dave, wait!" Todd called after me. I turned back. "Dave, you really shouldn't say anything now! If he hasn't even mentioned any of this, then you can bet that he isn't ready for you to know yet. He may be worried about how you'll see him. He doesn't want to look bad to you."
I smiled. "I don't see him in a bad way. I see things pretty clearly. I want him to know I'm here and that I don't care about his past, I just want to be here for him."
Todd looked worried. "Well," he said with a defeated sigh, "you have to do what you feel is right. I still don't think it's a good idea."
I laughed. "Don't worry, Todd. It will be fine." I walked over and gave him a hug and then walked out. I thought about it all the way to James' apartment. I would walk in and give him a big hug and kiss and then tell him it was all right to tell me anything and that he could trust me.
I finally arrived and walked up the stairs. I stood in front of his door and rang the bell. All sorts of images were running through my head, none of them bad. I couldn't imagine that anything bad would happen.
James opened the door and had a look of total surprise on his face. "Dave! What are you doing here right now?"
I leaned forward and gave him a kiss. "Hey. Can I come in?"
He looked uncertain for a moment, and then he stepped back. "Yeah, dude, sure! Come on in!"
I walked into the room. James had invited me into his apartment only once before, and we had only been there for a few minutes. At the time I had just thought James was very private. Now it all seemed clear to me. We sat down on the couch.
"So what brings you over here?" James asked. "I wasn't expecting you."
I smiled. "Kind of a spur of the moment thing. I was down at the bar talking to Todd and I decided to drop by."
James eyebrows arched. "Drop by? Uh, Dave, I hate to tell you this, but that isn't exactly on the way here. In fact, I think it's in the opposite direction."
I laughed. "Yeah, that's true. I actually have something I wanted to talk to you about."
James leaned back. "Okay. Shoot."
I looked in his eyes. "Well, some stuff has been troubling me for a while. We talk a lot, but it seems like a lot of the time, the flow of information goes only one way." James just nodded, so I went on. "Then there are the times I talk about my family or stuff like that, and then you just close up."
James was visibly starting to tense up. I rushed on through. "Well, I have been wondering what's been going on. I see you tense and quiet and chain smoking, and it bothers me. I couldn't get anything out of you, so I went to see Todd."
James eyes opened wide. "You went to Todd to find out stuff?"
I nodded. "Yeah, and he told me. Not everything, but enough."
James eyes closed, and he was breathing heavily. "Oh God, oh God, oh God," was all he kept saying. He got up and walked over to the window.
I stood up. "James, none of that bothers me. It doesn't affect my opinion of you. I just wish you would have told me instead of letting me sit and wonder. I just hope that you know you can trust me."
James just laughed. It was a different kind of laugh, a bitter one. He turned to me. There was a kind of scornful incredulity in his eyes. "Trust? You're talking to me about trusting you? Do you really think I haven't told you any of this because I was worried about how you would think of me?
"I stopped worrying about how people saw me a long time ago. Yes, you mattered to me, but even if I thought you would walk away it wouldn't have changed anything. I would still be the same. No, I didn't tell you because I wasn't sure of anything yet. I wanted to let our relationship grow. Things take time, dude. Just because you spilled your guts to me doesn't mean I am going to spill mine to return the favor. It takes a little longer."
I was shocked by his words. "I thought you wanted to know all that about me. I thought you cared." A hard lump was starting to rise in my throat.
James rolled his eyes. "Yes, I wanted to know. I wanted to help, I saw you were in a lot of pain. There's something else, though. You wanted to get it out. You wanted to talk to somebody, you needed somebody to tell it all to."
"What makes you so sure? What makes you think I needed anybody?" I was starting to yell.
"Oh come off it, Dave! It was written all over your face. You think you are so unreadable, but you're like a large-print book! You had a lot of stuff bottled up, but you were bursting at the seams to get it all out. But here's a news flash for you: not everybody's the same way. I probably would have told you everything at some point, once I was comfortable enough on the inside. But I don't know about you, now."
The anger was boiling. I was starting to see red. "Don't know about me? What is that supposed to mean?"
"It means you betrayed my trust. You told me stuff that you were ready to tell. I wasn't ready to tell, so instead of giving me time, you decided to go behind my back and go searching for the dirt. Then you come over here like some guardian angel to save me." I could hear disgust in his voice.
"Guardian angel? What the hell does that mean? You think I had these grand notions about pulling you out and making everything all right again? No, I didn't think that. I thought you were worried that I might feel differently about you if I knew the truth. Well, now I am sure that you don't give a flying fuck what anybody thinks. That's been made pretty apparent.
"Let me remind you who came after who in the first place. You deride me for being a `guardian angel.' What the hell do you think you were doing the night we met? Hmm, maybe saving me from myself? Sound familiar? Sounds a little hypocritical to me.
"I am pretty pissed right now, and I think I have a right to be. Here I've been spilling my guts for four weeks. I have felt more open than ever before in my life, and I thought I was a two-way street. I know you have to let things out when you are ready, but I am really pissed that you think you can keep things from me for any reason and not expect me to wonder. I can't believe you're upset that I cared enough to wonder what was wrong." I was breathing hard, and I am sure my face was flaming red.
James had stood there staring at me through my whole tirade. He didn't say a word. All I saw was red, and all I wanted to do was get out. I felt angry, I felt betrayed. I felt like my faith had been misplaced. All that had built between us seemed to be nothing all of a sudden. Meaningless.
We stood there staring at each other for a few minutes. Neither one of us moved. I broke the stare by walking to the door. A small voice followed me. "Dave?"
I turned back. "What?" I asked in an angry voice. I was literally shaking with anger and sadness.
James looked at the floor. "Nothing," he said.
I walked out the door and went home.
End of Part III