Greetings everyone,
Just a quick word this chapter of thanks to everyone who's written me. Every kind word makes me feel great about how the story's going. To my fellow authors, thanks for being an inspiration and sometimes a source for ideas.
I want to thank Matthew Halderman-Time (did I spell that right?) for the inspiration for the scene with Joey in this chapter.
Someone asked me where Dani disappeared? Well she's been busy in LA getting the fall clothing line ready for Fuman Skeeto. Now that the tour is winding down, I'll bring her back. Maybe Britney too.
Happy March everyone.... thank God Spring is right around the corner. I'm so sick of winter!
As usual: This story is purely fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of 'N Sync or anyone associated with their organization. It is meant for those over the age of 18 only and those who wish to read stories with sexual content.
Flying Without Wings - Chapter Six
///// July 28, 2000 /////
Geez, I just looked back at the last date I wrote in this thing and it's been a little while. Being on tour tends to make me forget things like this sometimes. My mom always told me: 'Justin, if you write down your thoughts then you'll have something to remember.' For the most part she was right. But I'll never forget all the things that have happened to me since that first audition for Star Search so long ago.
This tour has been the greatest so far. We've worked so hard to make it successful and we feel like we've accomplished so much because we had a big part in planning it ourselves. I can't believe we did it. The concert on HBO went without a problem... actually it went better than good, it was perfect beyond even what we dreamed. The people at HBO were really cool and the producer did alot of great things with the cameras. This was for all the fans across the country that couldn't get tickets and we're proud of that.
Here I sit backstage at the Today show, waiting. We just did our interview and it went well. In about an hour we go on. News is there's a real big crowd outside. You can just about hear them screaming from in here. It's exhilarating for us but the people here seem a little scared. What do they think? This isn't a crowd of metal heads... it's our fans and they're cool.
Everybody's lounging around taking naps except for Lance who's on the phone, what else. We had to get here at some ungodly hour so that we could be sure to miss most of the crowd. Jamie is off somewhere in a makeshift office they set up for us so he could finalize the last few details for tomorrow with Mel. He's not doing well this morning. His medication hasn't worn off and he's very fuzzy around the edges. I'll go bring him some coffee soon and maybe we can catch a nap around lunch time.
Greg wasn't kidding when he said that Jamie's road to getting completely healed would be full of ups and downs. He just experienced a major down. The whole thing with Jeff couldn't have come at a worse time. I knew doing something special for him would bring him out of it and our anniversary (of sorts) was perfect. I enjoy doing things like that for him. I want nothing more than to make him happy all the time.
I feel bad that he's been sorta left out these last few days. I really wanted him to come with us to Jennifer Lopez's birthday party but it would be hard to explain who he was and why he was there. He understood and took Zack out to a movie. That's been the problem especially this last week. He's understood and it drives me crazy. I know it bothers him that we have to hide, hell it bothers me. I don't want to do it anymore. I'll talk to Mel and have her step up our plan a little.
Jamie... Where do I begin to put my thoughts down about him. To say I love him doesn't describe it anymore... it's not enough. It's as if we were made for each other. He is all I can think about, and even when he's down I know he thinks about me. The last two weeks have been hard and just having him here to give me a smile and a hug makes my day. He centers me somehow like nobody but my mom can. It's like I'm not complete without him. Hmm... remember to save that thought... good for wedding vows! Wow, that just gave me a really warm feeling.
I know it will happen someday... and not too far off either. Something inside me just wants to call a press conference and out myself. Totally self destructive, I know, and Jamie would never let me. Or I wish that the secret would just come out, someone would find out and blab. Either way could mean an end to the group and I couldn't let that happen and Jamie is determined to not let that happen.
Now I'm getting weepy. Probably because of a lack of sleep, but I know it's because of him. When I'm on stage and singing to all the girls all I see is his face especially when we do the love songs. I guess I've gone into true mush. But that's my life now that Jamie is a part of it. I've started a love song, for him. It's almost at the point where I need to sit with Kevin or JC and put some music to it. It will be perfect for our true one year anniversary, so I have time.
Let's see, things to remember: Flowers for Jamie when we leave New York. Look into heading to Maine after tour and bringing Wade with us. JC's birthday present. Um and something else I'm forgetting but will remember (hopefully) before it's too late.
/////
Jamie sat alone in the playroom at Madison Square Garden, idly plucking chords and a few strains of melody on his guitar. Justin and JC were off doing a Teen Beat Interview, Chris was somewhere having some private time with Dani, who'd flown in that morning, althought nobody had seen her yet. Lance was with Mel finishing the last minute details for the next day and Zack was out at interviews and auditions until he could join them for dinner. He had no idea where Joey was.
The tour was almost over and he was glad. Jamie was tired and he didn't even have to dance like the guys did. He shook his head with a smile. It was a more mental tired than anything. Being here in New York made him apprehensive in a way and he didn't leave either the hotel or Garden without the others with him.
He talked to Leslie about his apparent New York phobia the other day during his session. She suggested it was just some memories surfacing and it wasn't about the city itself. He'd probably feel the same in LA or Chicago and certainly Boston.
That didn't make him feel much better. Jamie knew he'd made giant steps, with Justin's help, getting back to where he used to be, but he still had a ways to go. Leslie and he now talked often of closure and putting everything into his past, accepting what happened as a part of him and to use it as a source of strength. He was still having a problem with the closure part.
He'd had only one nightmare, last night, while in New York. It was pretty mild and he didn't wake Justin. It showed just how tired Justin was as he usually had an internal sense that Jamie was in distress and would wake with him. Jamie didn't have the heart to wake him, so he quietly sat in the bathroom crying until he recovered enough to slip back into bed a few minutes before the alarm went off.
Jamie sighed in his seat on the couch. Looking up he saw Joey walking toward him.
"Hey, how's it going?" Joey asked with a big smile.
"Not bad. Getting a little bored though."
"I hear ya. He'll be back soon," Joey said with a wink. Jamie smiled.
They sat in silence for a minute and Jamie could tell there was something on Joey's mind. He let him be in silence hoping Joey would talk.
"Jamie, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Joey."
"It's kinda personal..."
"Oh?" Jamie fidgeted a little.
Joey noticed Jamie's discomfort. "Oh, it's not about that. Something else."
"Well, go ahead, ask away."
"Um... How do you and Justin do it?"
Jamie's eyes bugged out of his head. There was no mistaking what Joey was asking about. " Joe, it's not that much different from what you do with girls really."
Joey blushed. "Well, that part I can understand. What I mean is, how did you figure out who is who?"
"Who is who? I lost you there."
Joey's blush deepened. "How do I put this? Ok, don't take offense or anything but how did you decide who's the woman?"
Jamie couldn't help himself and laughed out loud. Noticing Joey's frown he apologized through his giggles. "I'm sorry, Joe, but that hit me just right." Joey smiled a little. "Well, to answer your question there was nothing to decide."
Joey looked at him puzzled. "Then who's the man and who's the woman?"
"It's not like that, Joe. Sure in many gay relationships there are guys who like to... um... only receive and others that like to only give." Joey nodded his understanding. "But sometimes there isn't a clear line like that. Justin and I pretty much equally share."
"But, Justin often walks funny and so I just figured..."
Jamie laughed heartily at that and Joey joined him. Justin's soreness on some mornings was a source of some good natured ribbing by the others. "Ok, Joe, perfectly honest. You know that we're all made different down there?"
Joey nodded with roll of his eyes. "Yes, not every guy can be as well hung as Lance," he chuckled.
Jamie giggled. "Ya, well anyway... while I'm not very long, I am a little on the thick side so sometimes Justin gets a little sore when... well, you know. That's all. Besides, when I'm sore I hide it pretty well."
Joey grinned and Jamie could see the wheels spinning. "So the next time Justin isn't sore then I should keep a close eye on you!" he laughed.
Jamie slapped his arm and laughed with him. "It isn't all about fucking either. So is that all?"
Joey got serious again. "Um, no, there's more. How did you know you liked guys?"
Jamie looked closely at Joey. "I just knew, it was never a question. I think Justin and Lance would say the same thing although Justin denied it in himself for a long time. JC is a little different but he'd probably agree. Why are you asking, Joe?" Jamie put a hand on Joey's arm and gave him a warm smile.
"I don't know. I know I'm not gay but lately I've been having these thoughts."
Jamie moved closer to Joey and took his hand. "Have you ever had these thoughts before? Like when you were younger?" Joey nodded silently and Jamie let out a breath. "What kind of thoughts are you having?"
"Just sometimes I feel like I'd like to try it. You and Justin look so happy together that it makes me wonder. I still think of girls most of the time and when I'm with one I'm totally into it. I'm just a little confused."
"Well, nothing for sure, but it could mean you may be bisexual, even if nobody thinks there really is such a thing."
"There must be," Joey protested. "I've known a few guys that go both ways."
"Oh, I agree, but I don't agree with the label. I look at it this way. Think of a ruler or something where totally gay is at one end, totally straight is at the other and the true bisexual sits in the middle. I think that we all fall on that ruler somewhere or other. I know I'm totally gay and so are Justin and Lance. Chris, from what I've gathered falls onto the totally straight. JC, I think, sits somewhere near totally gay but not quite."
"Oh, I get it. It's a matter of degrees."
Jamie nodded. "So it's up to you to figure out where you sit on the ruler and live with it. You may be one of those guys who are just curious and after you try it once or twice decide that it's not really for you."
Joey sat and thought for a minute. "Thanks, Jamie. It doesn't scare me so much anymore."
"It's ok, Joe. If you ever want to talk about your feelings about this, let me know." Jamie paused and looked at Joey carefully. "Are you seriously thinking about acting on those feelings?"
Joey blushed again. "It seems the more I think about it the more I want to, but I'm a little scared."
Jamie put an arm around Joey's shoulders. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to try it or even doing it, nobody can label yourself except you. When you're ready, you'll know it. It may never happen, so don't let it worry you too much. If you do, just be careful, and I'm not talking about media leaks either."
"You bet."
"And don't worry. I won't say anything to the others."
Joey nodded. "I appreciate that, but I know you don't keep many secrets from Curly so if he asks you can tell him," Joey said standing as Justin entered the room. "Thanks, squirt."
"Anytime, goombah." Joey smiled and waved to Justin as he went in another direction.
"What was that all about?" Justin asked sitting close to Jamie and cuddling up to him.
"It has to stay a secret but Joe was asking me about gay sex."
Justin looked at Jamie with surprise. "Does Joey thing he's...?"
Jamie shook his head. "No, he's just having these thoughts. He's just curious."
Justin smiled. "I thought once you got done with puberty those things stopped?"
"In most guys, ya. Sometimes it takes awhile." Jamie placed his guitar on the floor and pulled Justin on top of him. "I missed you."
"Missed you too," Justin said in return as he placed his lips against Jamie's for a long sweet kiss. "I'd like nothing more than to continue with this but we have a photo shoot in like five minutes."
Jamie sighed in disappointment. "How long will it last?"
"About an hour then we have lunch. After that we're free until sound checks. I'm planning a little nap time with my sweetie, how's that sound?"
"Sounds perfect to me."
They cuddled together waiting for Justin to be called to the shoot. Justin noticed Jamie was a little preoccupied. "Still thinking about Joe?"
Jamie shook his head. "Not really. Just thinking."
"About...?" Justin led him.
Jamie smiled at him. "About how I want this all to be over and in my past."
Justin pulled Jamie closer and hugged him. "It will be in time."
"I know. I was thinking about our wedding and your promise."
"Oh?"
"At first I was disappointed because I just wanted to marry you but the more I thought about it, I was glad. Now I have time to make sure that I'm at 100 percent. I don't want to totally give myself to you any other way."
A tear made it's way down Justin's face. "Oh, baby, that's a really sweet thought, but you know I love you no matter what?"
Jamie nodded with a smile and a kiss.
"Justin! Get your ass to the stage, NOW!" Lance's voice boomed from the stage monitor.
"Well that's me. Don't go anywhere, gorgeous." Justin gave Jamie one more kiss and walked out of the room with a wave and a wink.
Lunch was rapidly approaching and Jamie was still sitting deep in thought with his guitar. He had made some decisions during that hour but had no idea how he would tell Justin so he wouldn't totally flip. Shaking his head he concentrated on playing.
His thoughts had mostly centered around his acceptance of what happened and of Rocky himself. Jamie knew that if he truly wanted closure that he'd have to face him somehow, someway. He didn't know if he could, but it seemed the only way to put it all behind him. Justin and the others came into the room. Justin went to the couch and sat leaning against his legs.
"You look deep in thought."
"I need to see him, Justin."
Justin let out a deep breath not having to ask who the 'him' was. He suspected that Jamie would come to this at some point and was prepared for it. "Are you sure?"
"Ya, I need to finish this."
"I can't say that I'm liking this," Justin frowned.
"I know, I don't like it either, but I can't see any other way."
"Promise we'll talk about it some more before you decide for sure?" Jamie nodded.
"See who?" Chris asked. He was answered by a jab in the ribs by Lance who then whispered in his ear.
"No way!" Chris said loudly. "Jamie, you can't be thinking of doing that? You should stay as far away from that fucker as possible."
"Chris!" JC said in a warning. "It's none of our business."
"Jamie, I'm with Justin. I don't like it, but it's your decision to make," Lance added.
"I'm with Chris," added Joey. "I just don't understand why you'd want to," he said with a sad smile.
Jamie looked at all of them, his extended family. "I want you guys to understand. It's like he's always there inside me not letting me forget. I don't get any peace from it and I need to put it to rest."
Justin took one of Jamie's hands. "I understand."
Jamie looked at the others. Lance had a sympathetic frown on his face but the others still didn't look convinced. A song came to him then, one that he knew could explain how he felt. "Listen to this and see if you can't understand where I'm coming from." Jamie started some chords on his guitar and sang.
"Not a day goes by.
Not a single day,
But your somewhere, a part of my life,
And it looks like you'll stay.
As the days go by.
I keep thinking that it doesn't end.
Where's the day I'll have started forgetting?
But I just go on thinking and sweating and cursing and crying,
And turning and reaching and waking and dying."
Jamie snuffled as tears started flowing. He put all his pain into this song, using it as therapy for the negative feelings he'd been suffering from.
"And oh, not a day goes by.
Not a blessed day,
But your still somehow a part of my life,
And you won't go away
So there's hell to pay.
And until I die,
I'll die day after day after day after day,
After day after day after day.
Oh, there's happy days.
And until I die,
I'll die day after day after day after day,
After day after day after day,
Till the days go by.
Till the days go by.
Till the days go by."
The entire room was weeping. Mel was standing in the doorway wiping her eyes. Even the caterers setting up lunch had handkerchiefs presses to their noses. Joey sat looking completely stunned with wet cheeks while Chris had his head in his hands rubbing his eyes. Lance was quietly comforting JC, they were both sobbing. Justin put Jamie's guitar aside and pulled him into his arms.
Jamie gave Justin a smile through his tears. "Thank you for loving me," he said in a sob.
Their tears mixed freely as Justin showed Jamie his love with an enveloping kiss and the world and all it's troubles swirled away for a time.
Lunch was finished and Jamie was cuddled against Justin on the couch. They moved around to get more comfortable deciding a little make out time was in order before their nap. Justin's tongue took control and soon they were in full deep kisses. Jamie moaned while Justin sucked his tongue and lips. They were interrupted a few moments later by a woman's voice.
"Can anyone get in on the party?" They both looked up.
"Dani!!" they said at the same time. Instead of getting up they pulled Dani down on top of them giving her big hugs.
"Oh girl, it's so good to see you," Jamie said. "Where have you been the last two hours."
"You bet. Forget Chris, we've all missed having you around," Justin added.
Dani snuggled in and returned the hugs. "I've missed all you guys too. I had a lunch meeting for Fuman while you were doing the photo shoot. So where's the urchin? I haven't been able to find him." She untangled herself from them and stood again after giving them both big kisses on their foreheads.
"He and Joey mentioned something about bike races. So I'd say somewhere on the main floor in the tunnels," Justin suggested.
"Ok, thanks guys. I'll see you two later." She left with a smile and a wave.
"Where were we?" Justin asked.
"Right about here," Jamie replied then put his tongue into Justin's mouth.
"Mmmm," was all that Justin could reply.
A very happy crew of people still filled the hotel ballroom as the party started winding down. 'NSync and their management decided to throw a big wrap party for the New York shows. Food and drinks had flowed freely and one of the tech's acted as DJ.
Justin scanned the crowd and noticed that he, Jamie, Chris and Dani were the only ones left of their little group. He knew that JC and Lance had left early for some private time together. Joey wasn't to be seen which was a surprise, he could always be counted on to close any dance floor. Jamie mentioned that Zack was missing too, but wasn't surprised saying he looked tired and stressed out during dinner.
Everyone was feeling pretty good. His steps weaving a little, Justin guided Jamie out to the elevators. They giggled as they rode up to their floor giving each other short kisses, their fingers exploring. Justin pulled Jamie against him from behind and kissed his neck.
Jamie loved feeling Justin's hands all over him. Justin started moving against Jamie and Jamie sighed at the feeling of Justin's hardness rubbing over his ass through their pants.
"I love it when you're buzzed and horny," Jamie panted as Justin continued raising his blood pressure by nibbling on his neck.
"Mmmm," was all Justin said as he started a hickey. One hand had slipped into Jamie's shirt and was playing with the hair on the middle of his chest while the other coaxed and kneaded his growing erection.
The door opened with a ding and they took a second to separate then weave down the hall to the suite. Todd, Chris' bodyguard, was on duty outside and opened the door with a neutral expression.
"Cheer up, Toddy," Justin slightly slurred. "Tour's almost over."
"You two have a good night," Todd said with an amused tone just before they passed through.
Once the door was closed Justin roughly pulled Jamie to him in a kiss. Jamie protested a little a first but Justin's insistent lips and tongue wiped away all resistance and he hung limp in Justin's arms.
"I want you," Justin said feverishly making Jamie's head swirl. Jamie grabbed his hand and pulled him into the bedroom. They started undressing each other and got down to T-shirts and boxers before Justin pulled away.
"I need to use the bathroom," he said apologetically.
"Ok, I need a drink anyway. Want some water?" Justin nodded as he headed into the bathroom.
Jamie left the bedroom on uncertain legs. The wine he had drunk was starting to really kick in. He went through the darkened suite into the kitchenette and grabbed two bottles of water and a bottle of aspirin, just in case. He walked slowly back to the bedroom and paused outside of JC and Lance's door. He blushed and smiled at the soft moaning that he heard.
Jamie never knew what it was but something made him stop and put the water down on a small table and scratch an itch he had on his leg. It was just in front of Joey's room. He leaned on one hand against the door frame and reached back and down to scratch. While there a loud moan caught his attention.
If it hadn't been for the alcohol or the fact that the door was half open he probably wouldn't have thought twice about walking away. This one time, curiosity got the better of him. He stepped through the door and saw two figures on the bed illuminated by the city lights. He inhaled sharply to see Joey and Zack, both naked, tangled together.
Jamie stood in a fog letting his brain sort out what he was seeing and getting over the shock. Zack was on his back, his legs on Joey's shoulders as Joey thrust into him. Jamie couldn't believe his eyes and he shook his head to clear it of the growing cobwebs placed there by the wine. He stood transfixed by what he was witnessing.
Zack moaned and pulled Joey's face down and kissed him. "God, Joe. Fuck me harder," Zack pleaded and Joey complied making them both groan loudly. "You feel so good."
Joey ground into Zack in a frenzy. "This is just so awesome," he gasped.
Jamie jumped a little when he felt hands circling his waist. Looking up he saw Justin watching just as intently as he. Justin grabbed one of Jamie's hands and put it on his straining cock while his other stroked Jamie through his boxers. With a start Jamie realized that Justin was naked.
Zack was now grunting with the intensity of Joey's thrusts. "I'm gonna cum, Joe." Joey moaned his agreement.
"Let's give them some privacy and make some heat of our own," Justin whispered into Jamie's ear. Without an answer, Jamie half pushed Justin out of the room and into theirs.
"You remember what happened when we caught Lance and JC that time?" Jamie asked suggestively.
"Oh ya," Justin said with a smile. He firmly shut the door, stripped Jamie of his clothes and pulled them both on the bed. Flipping around he took Jamie's erection into his mouth fully. Jamie gasped in pleasure and started sucking Justin as well.
Leisurely they pleasured each other, tasting and licking. Jamie moaned at the hot wetness of Justin's mouth around him. Reaching down he grabbed at Justin's hand and intertwined their fingers. Justin released him at the contact.
"You make me feel so good, sweet pea," he said shivering when he felt Jamie's tongue licking at his balls.
Jamie lifted his head and smiled at him. He pulled Justin's hand to his mouth and sucked on one finger then let it go. "You are the sexiest man I've ever met."
Justin smiled then got an intent look. "I want to make you cum."
"Same here, babe. Let's do it."
They practically raced to see who could make who cum first. The little contest had them both gasping for air and on the edge of orgasm very quickly. As they tensed, they naturally did what gave the other the most pleasure. Justin went down on Jamie all the way and tickled his balls with his fingers. Jamie kept the head of Justin's hard cock in his mouth and swirled around it with his tongue while his fingers toyed with his hole.
They both heaved into each other as they came. Jamie felt as if the top of his head was going to come off it was so intense. He swallowed and swallowed as Justin came in his mouth, not believing the amount. Justin was having the same experience and almost choked.
When they had both gone limp, Justin climbed up over Jamie and kissed him deeply. "I love you," he said while stroking Jamie's cheek with the back of his hand.
"I love you too," Jamie replied, a tear making it's way down one cheek.
Justin kissed Jamie again and licked the stray tear away. "It's almost done, sweetie, then we can have time just for ourselves."
Jamie nodded and pulled Justin down on top of him. "I miss you sometimes."
"I am always here for you, just say the word."
Jamie pushed his face into Justin's neck and inhaled deeply. "I know." He pulled Justin's face to his and kissed him again, slipping his tongue deeply into his mouth.
Justin panted when Jamie let him go. "Mmm, you kiss so good."
Jamie smiled and touched his nose to Justin's. They looked into each other's eyes until Justin noticed a familiar gleam and raised one eyebrow.
"Make love to me, Justin."
Justin smiled. "Your wish is my command."
tbc...
Notes: Not A Day Goes By: Stephen Sondheim - 1981
There's the latest. Comments and suggestions are always welcome!
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