Authors Notes: -
This story contains Sex between men. If you are under 18 in the UK (or Appropriate legal age in your country) please stop reading here. If such Mentioned material may offend you please stop reading too. This story is Fiction and any resemblance to reality is pure coincidence.
Though this story may involve unsafe sex (It is only fiction), and I Believe in playing safe (look after yourself and your partner).
I hope you enjoy reading my story. Please, feel free to email me with your comments, whether good or bad.
My e-mail: smiles_51@lycos.co.uk
17th October 2003
'Jason'
Chapter One
It was a cool brisk January morning. I stood outside leaning on the gate smoking a tailor made embassy regal ciggie, next week Id be back to roll your own baccy! Thinking where are those bloody removal men! I had booked them a few days ago and knew the lad from school days, Darren Peterson. Bit of a dick head, typical straight man but he was cheap and money was tight.
An hour later he turned up, loaded my gear on and we where off. Balton Street wasn't an ideal choice of a place to live. Only months earlier Id sold a two bedroom terrace house, for a $10,000 profit (by chance). It paid a lot of debts off and the ex-wife got the other half of it. The new place didn't have central heating and no double-glazing either, I don't think many people had that luxury then. The house was rented as furnished. Well if you'd call it that. All the stuff was 1950s oak etc with 70s purple & lilac swirled carpet and orange and brown old folk lounge carpet. The bathroom was downstairs at the back of the house. Cold and damp the water boiler worked with a bang. There was a sort of half kitchen diner with melamine brown units and a big oak sideboard taking up most of the room. The most heating were two small gas fires. Up the steep stairs, the second bedroom was a good size with a good view of the back street. This was an end house with a very high back wall. The main bedroom was a good size. Double bed, a massive dressing table with mirrors, with lovely curves and smooth edges an oak double wardrobe, with interior mirrored doors.
I put a few suitcases on the floor as mam and dad put the kettle on for a first brew. I looked around this place not really believing that I had agreed to move in here. It kinda really felt like stepping in the wrong direction, but the bed was made and this was a new venture.
Soon it was just after 4.30pm and the front door opened and in walked Gerry. Cup of tea would be great" he said, my reply being "make your bloody own I'm shagged with all the moving and lifting" Mam had made a stew and was warming it up on the stove for our teas. Gerry came upstairs and gave me a bear hug, a tight hug, as he was a big guy. "How's your day been then" Jason he said to me. I thought today has been a nightmare and I was back to work tomorrow 9am till 6pm. "Oh not too bad, but tea and a good sit down would be great" I said.
After tea Gerry took mam and dad home while I stayed un-packing more boxes. Gerry didn't have much in the way of anything really. He had lived away from his parents for about six months a few years back, but for a good while he just lived with his mam and dad. I guess he was a bit of a mother's boy really. You wouldn't see it looking at him as he looked quite rough round the edges. He had a bit of a temper; I'd seen flashes of it but nothing major. I had met Gerry one night while out on my own. There I was propping the bar up in the Blue Bar, a bit worse for wear, when he tripped on the bar stool leg were I was sat and went his full length, it was so funny, I nearly pissed myself laughing. "Whooooh man" I said, "are you okay mate" as I helped him up. "Shit he said, I wish this place was a bit lighter" his specs in his hand snapped in two. "Id sue the gits, " I said joking. "Here let me buy you a drink I said" "Oh cheers he replied, Gin and Tonic please". We introduced ourselves and chatted for a while and got on like a house on fire, he asked if I was married or had a girlfriend, so I told him my story as he seemed so easy to talk to. The night came to a close, he gave me his number and asked me to call him and we said we'd meet up same pub on Saturday night 7pm.
Things went really quick from that moment. We weren't the most likely of couples. I was 25 and he 32. I looked so young as I always had. While Gerry looked 10 years older than 32! But I look back on it now as if nothing else it was a learning curve. I shared a lot of heartache within the relationship but also had so un-miss able fun times and nights out. Gerry introduced me to gay pubs. Something I never knew existed. I thought the gay world was the best thing ever. All these other guys all dancing together and snogging and getting their dicks out in the toilets WOW this was another world for me. I felt I had lived such a sheltered life, Id done everything by the book that my parents told me to do, but Gerry was different! He had seen life and grabbed it by the neck and enjoyed its pleasures without hesitation.
I remember the first time Gerry took me to a gay bar. It was surreal compare to straight places Id always know, people of all ages, a lot of fairy's (camp guys). A lot of older guys with very young boys I remember one guy with a glass eye, he was at the centre of a crowd and dancing with all the young ones. Out the corner of my eye I noticed a guy with a stripped shirt and the look of Neil Tennant from the Pet Shop Boys. He was lovely. I felt instantly attracted to him. But I was on Gerry's arm and that's the way it stayed for almost eight years. I don't believe that I had true love with Gerry, it was intense sometimes and I often wondered what would of happened it Id met a different guy. Most of the relationship I often would long to be with another, as I felt trapped and I wasn't being true to myself and my feelings, It was less than a year since my marriage had broken down and I was in another relationship!
At home with my parents was in so many words quite strict. Certain things were done in certain ways; mam was the boss as dad was a very quiet man, and a man of few words. I was close to my dad when I was younger, as I neared sixteen I felt I got on with mam much better. Her and I would have many conversations about all sorts of things, where as dad didn't discuss many things at all. I started work a week after leaving school; I got a job working in a new store in town Better Buys, it was July 1980. It was a meaningless job when I look back, collecting trolleys. It felt good at first and having a wage packet was great, all $28 pounds a week my own money that I could do with as I wanted. I paid mam $10 board. Being a quiet person I soon made new friends and started to get o with my life, going out and drinking. Then I became a MOD with a fishtail parker, straight ties, two tone trousers etc all my mates at the time were the same. Some bought Lambrettas and Vespas and we'd cruise around town. The film Quadrophenia was the in film to watch at the cinema, I loved it. There were so really great times back then.
After Id been working for a year or so, I asked a girl out called Dianne. She was sixteen and I seventeen. We went on a date and hit it off. I remember how nervous I was and shitting myself. But Di was a really quiet girl who eased my nerves to ease. She had a brother called Trevor a year younger than her and her mam and dad were in there fifties. She lived in a better area of the town than I did. French Gate Hill. Everyone called it Hungry Hill, as people where all show and no knickers...! The Smiths had to be better than the Jones's all the time. Her parents had bought the house when property was cheap in the seventies. But her dad had a bad knee and lost his job because he'd been on the sick for a good while and couldn't work on a building site anymore. I was greeted into the family and became like another son to her mam and dad. We stayed together and became an item. Over the seven And a half years that we were together, we shared life's up and downs, got engaged and eventually married. She was my soul mate; my everything and I really loved her. But in the back of my mind, hidden in a dark corner lurked a devil of disguise. The real Jason Burry.
What do I mean by the real Jason burry you may ask. Well, for many years now I have felt attracted towards men, especially guys my own age. But I was in a relationship with Dianne and very happy too. Or so I thought!
One night Di was at friends. I went out with Trevor and another friend Bob, we went to a straight nightclub and I bumped into a guy from work, Julian. He was really camp and everyone knew he was gay; he was so over the top though. Trevor and Bob were taking the piss out of him, but I had to go over and say hi. We got chatting and I asked about another guy at work, to see if he was gay too. He said no, he'd tried it with him and got turned down. Then asked me to follow him in a few minutes. I was puzzled but followed anyway. We went into the men's toilets, and I followed him into a cubicle. I was still slightly puzzled, this is before I knew anything about guys and toilets and cottaging! Anyway before I knew anymore he was undoing his flies and pulled he dick out, it was huge. There he was wearing a green checked shirt and light blue jeans, nice whiff of polo aftershave and chewing some gum. Julian was ginger all the way down and especially his pubes. He asked if I liked what I saw. I was as nervous as hell. In fact I can't ever remember being this nervous. This wasn't really my idea of a good time. I was used to doing it in a bed, or rather my single bed at my parents house. But this was different. In a toilet cubicle, straight nightclub, Trevor and Bob not far away and people banging on the door wanting a crap, or to spew there rings up. No, this wasn't how I ever imagined my first experience of gay sex.
Julian put my hand on his throbbing dick and I wanked him off, he came all over my shirt, he was rubbing my jeans but my dick wasn't going any were. I just couldn't bring myself to get a hard on. My mind was reeling. I was scared. I was cheating on Di. I felt sick to the stomach. Julian pulled his pants up, kissed me on the cheek and told me to wait a few minuets before I followed him out. I said okay. I closed the door behind him. Sat on the toilet seat and put my head into my hands. I felt so dirty, used and horrible. I had done something that had always been in the back of my mind. I'd had that first homosexual experience.
I must have dosed off because the next thing I was aware of was Trevor's voice "Jason, Jason are you in here" I heard his voice from outside the toilet. I shouted back "yeah I'm in here, I've thrown up, must have had a bad pint" Trevor said, "okay man, see you outside then, were going soon as its nearly 2am" I replied " Yeah ok Trev"
Outside Bob had flagged a taxi down and I was climbing into the back seat. "You okay man" asked Bob, "think so" I blabbed, still not believing what I had done.
I awoke to the sound of the alarm clock flashing. I'd forgotten to disable the alarm clock. It was 7:50am on Sunday 22nd March 1987 I reckon I will ever forget last night!
I tried to go off back to sleep but I couldn't. I lay there thinking about things for a while. What and how would I face Di this afternoon? I feel so ashamed of myself, yet so good that I had finally tempted fate. I had done something totally out of character. I'd had a one-night stand.
I got up around 9am went down to the kitchen for breakfast. Mam and dad were almost finished theirs. We chatted as we did every morning. I got ready and went out on my bicycle for a while to clear my head. Mam and dad thankfully didn't suspect anything different. In many ways I wished my parents had been more open then as they are now. If that had been the case I'd of told them about my feelings of men etc. But dad always came across as a man's man and mam and I couldn't hurt them. Being an only one can be pretty lonely at times. I'd had a brother or sister maybe things would have been easier. But really, is there an easy way to say to your folks "Hey mam and dad I'm a happy homosexual"? What is there to be happy about?
After lunch it was time to cycle to Dianne's parents house. It was a cold afternoon and I wrapped up well. The wind was against me as I rode. Turning the corner to Eskdine Road, my stomach turned. I felt dizzy and a sick feeling came over me. I rode down her parents drive, to the back gate. It was open. I placed my bike against the back wall as I always did. I took a deep breath and knocked on the back door. I could hear music coming from Trevor's room, Rush - Spirit of the Radio, one of my favourite songs at the time. My mind wandered for a while and I temporally forgot what was on my mind. Then Dianne opened the door. She looked lovely as she always did. Dressed in figure hugging jeans, small grey boots, a pink t - shirt and smelling of Avon's Odyssey perfume. She always wore this and I can still small it now. I always bought it for her.
She greeted me with her usual smile and I said "hello Di" I could hear Trevor arguing with her dad in the background shouting "turn the bloody music down, I can't hear the telly for you". The moment quietened and I took my coat off as I said hello to Joan, Di's mam.
Di gave me a big hug and asked if I was okay after throwing up in the club the night before; Trevor had told her all about it, I said I was okay now. I asked Di if she fancied a walk to brush the cobwebs off, she agreed and off we went. We went for walks a lot while I was with Di. I'd passed my driving test but couldn't afford a car on my wages. I rode my bike to work and all over the place, that was my way of life then I guess. I was quite fit, no six pack but fit all the same, 30" waist etc. Dianne was also fit and slim. As we walked hand in hand, I told her of the nightclub and I'd seen a few people from work. I was testing the water, on how I could possibly bring up the subject of gay people etc. Something in me told me I had to tell her everything. But we were engaged and were planning the wedding for next year. Although I loved her very much and dreaded hurting her, this want in me wanted to be out. It was screaming and screaming and the feelings were getting stronger no matter how I tried to hide them. We sat on a seat overlooking some fields. Our hands freezing as the wind chilled our bones.
I said "Di, what are your views on homosexuals"? She turned to me, looking very surprised "where did that come from?" she added. I was trying to piece things together of how to put this. "Well, if someone you knew very well, someone who you loved very much, had done something - how would you react?". She looked at me even more puzzled than before. Then her face saddened from her beaming smile of contentment "Have you done something, Jason" She said "Oh god, please don't tell me Jason, you have someone else" tears filled her eyes. "No...no, its not that Dianne, oh shit this is awful, I feel like crap" I replied.
E-mail: smiles_51@lycos.co.uk