This is a story about the growing up and coming of age of a typical Ohio boy by the name of Jason as told to me through the exchange of a series of Email. It is a true story detailing true events with only the names, including Jason's, having been changed to protect the travelers we meet along the way. We continue our tale with Jason putting the past behind him and moving into the home where it all began and looking forward to whatever the future brings. The lyrics to "The Time Has Come (Pikachu's Goodbye)" is copyright by Siegler/Loeffler/Grossfeld. Comments about the story can be sent to the author, J.O. Dickingson at authorsix@hotmail.com and those who wish to correspond directly with Jason may do so at journeyofjason@yahoo.com
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: NEW BEGINNINGS, UNEXPECTED SETBACKS
April 2005. Spring is here; the air is fresh. A new beginning for all Earth's creatures, including me. I have been going to the pain clinic for almost a year now and they have me on several drugs that help reduce the pain. It still hurts but I'm feeling better, physically and emotionally. I haven't had a cigarette in almost a month now and I really don't want one except when I get to campus. For some reason, I really want to smoke at school. Since Alisa and I went to the bar that night and I came out to her, I have been a little more open and letting some friends know about me being bi, and, I have to admit, it does feel better to be out despite the new set of complications that brings. Kookie is much better too. She is around eight pounds overweight now, but the diet the vet put her on is helping.
So, life is good, and I'm back checking out the scenery. I know I mentioned at one point about a boy a few years younger than myself whom I knew when I was younger and that I met at the Moose, and that I would look at his picture and jack off. He is at the branch where I'm presently attending college, and I talk with him every now and then. He is still a cutie, and I still jack off picturing him. Another kind of dorky-looking, mousy guy, the type of guy I have been going for most of my life. He was in one of my classes a few semesters ago and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. He sat right in front of me and I would be lost just staring at the back of his head, imagining what I would like to do with him. I am starting to wonder if he might have some gay or bi tendencies from some of the stuff I've heard. He hasn't been on a real date, and has never had a steady girlfriend. I might try to work some of my charms on him.
I am working on a story about a preacher's son and daughter and the daughter's boyfriend based on two guys in choir whom I see four hours a week. I need to find out if they are twins, and if not who is older. Their father is a preacher. I have almost all the info I need and I am taking mental notes as I watch them in class to try and get their mannerisms down. It is kind of distracting and a couple of times the prof has been talking to me and I am off in my own world. She needs me though, so I don't think she'll get too pissed. Religion will be the focus of the story. One thing that I love about church folk, they can be so trusting and naive at times. They are also fun to corrupt like I am starting with the boy in my choir that I am basing the preacher story on. I am slowly starting to bring him around to my way of thinking, heh, heh, heh! Of course I'm sure you've sensed I'm very anti-religion right now. It is one of the worst mental diseases in this world, not to mention the cause of war, violence, bigotry, and close-minded ignorance.
We are moving out to Grandma's in July and I'm really looking forward to it, but we can't get high speed Internet out there yet so I am going to have to go back to dial up. Ugh! We are fixing her house up right now by painting, ripping and laying new carpet, and some landscape issues. Eventually, we are going to put a second story on the house and I will move up there and have about 1500 sq. ft. for me and my animals. I take Buffy Bunny out and let him play in one of the spare rooms at Grandma's and he loves it, finally really getting to stretch his legs out. He has almost tripled in size since I got him two months ago. I got him a big cardboard tube that he can hide in and chew on and he is laying in it right now with half his butt sticking out. He is such a cutie. (Actually, I found out after I named him that Buffy is a boy, not a girl. I think I might be giving him a complex with the girly name!) I am going to take all four of the bunnies out tomorrow and let them play together for a while.
I can't wait to get out there, but I am going to miss this place. New beginnings means letting go of some of the old. I was thinking earlier about all the things that have happened in this house and all the firsts for me in every room. The first time I jacked off was in the room upstairs, I lost my virginity to a female in the garage, the first time I jacked off with another person was upstairs. . . . There are so many wonderful memories. There are also a lot of things I will be glad to get away from.
For one, the hundreds of little things that remind me of the women of my past. My life was so much easier before these dreaded beasts called females came into my life. The thing is, I never broke up with a girl unless I was sure that there was someone else. That is why they overlap, as I'm sure you've noticed in reading about my journey. When my relationship with Alisa began she was kind of stalking me, and it turned out she is actually the one who taught me how to stalk, and I got pretty good at it in later years. That was in the days before caller ID. Damn advancements in technology for making it so hard to stalk people anymore! ROTFLMAO I said her dad was crazy, and it is a fact proven several years ago when he wound up in a psych ward. Years after we'd been seeing each other, actually not all that long ago, I found out that Alisa went out the next day and found the single to Michael Bolton's song at the record shop and listened to it over and over. She said she always considered it our song. I still can't listen to it without getting really depressed.
Speaking of songs, they played "In My Dreams" at the REO Speedwagon concert last night and it brought back a ton of feelings about Jessica. I still carry a bit of a flame for her even if she did reject me right from the start, and if given the chance I would go for her without a moment's hesitation. Every once in a while something will trigger my memory of my first time ever with a girl. That totally new feeling of Caroline's cunt squeezing the head of my dick is a feeling I'm going to remember for countless jerk offs in the future. Even after I have had full- blown sex with both men and women that is an experience I'll never forget. And of course I'll never forget Nicole. The last I heard from Alisa, Nicole and her new fling are planning on getting married soon. I pity the sucker. He has no idea what he is getting into. His ex wife was a fat cow though, so he is used to being with undesirable people. Goddamn, I can't believe what I did for her, what I sacrificed for her. She is the one person in this world I thought I could trust not to hurt me, but she hurt me more than anyone else.
I still think of Tara every day and there is always something that reminds me of her in the house or around town. She is a nurse at one of the hospitals North of here.
I had a dream about her the other night and when I woke up, I was truly happy for a moment, until reality set in. I have really been dragging since then and trying to find things to take my mind off it. It's like Cher says, "If I Could Turn Back Time." I was with Tara for over two years and I still love her. I still get her old letters out a few times a year just to read them and try to remember what was going on at the time. I have a full dresser drawer filled with stuff she got me for Valentine's Day or Christmas, pictures, movie stubs, cards, key chains, just little things to remember her. I know I should get rid of that stuff, but I just can't. I think it would be too much like giving her up again and there is still a small part of me that wishes I could get her back. That she wore her hair short pissed me off when we were going together. I love long hair on girls, but she wouldn't grow it any longer. I ran into her a few years ago and she'd let it grow out quite a bit. From what I have heard, she and her husband have another child and are happy together.
And of course there are all the guys of my past. A few years ago James and I talked to each other and worked things out. We don't talk to each other on a regular basis, but we are civil when we see each other. I still would love to see him again and see if something might happen between us, but I doubt it. I think he has a girlfriend now. The only thing is that fourteen seems kind of late in life to be experimenting like we were. I think if anything he might be bi like I am. The thing is, James and I were doing stuff together at the same time Mike and I were doing stuff, and we all knew each other, but I never even thought of trying to get all three of us together. Boy hindsight is 20/20.
A few years ago at the mall I used to work at I saw Tara's cousin Jeremy whom I used to babysit. He didn't recognize me, but he is very cute, still kind of squirrelly though. As for Chicken Hawk, the last I heard, he was living at the county home. And of course there's Ryan. I derive a lot of my personality from him now. I have really copied his mannerisms and even some expressions he used. Things are going great for him now. He has lost a lot of weight and is the store manager of a local restaurant making much more money and working better hours. I am happy for him. I know his mom from one of the grocery stores and told her to have him call me, but I don't think he has my number anymore. I tell people that I once slept with my male boss to get a promotion at the Shell station.
I haven't seen Gary since the end of class, and I'm not sure what he is up to right now. I did do a lot of research while I was interested in him and found out that the legal age of consent in Ohio between two males is 16, at least from what I have read. The Internet is one great source for almost anything you could possibly want to know. When we first got the Internet I quickly learned the ins and outs of the news group mazes and still use them today. Now though, I have to pay for them. I use Easynews for $10 a month or 10 GB, very worth it to me.
I love incest stories and still get off on the Hanson Brothers' Orgy story by the Dream Spinner. I want to stress that I never have, nor would I ever do anything with my nephew or any other minor while I am over the legal age. And speaking of Eric, his bio father stepped back into the picture recently because Eric's mother wanted to get back at my brother. It backfired on her and now he is fighting for custody again and saying that my brother is on drugs and she is with an abuser. Now, she has two men fighting her for custody. She and my brother were just about to reach an agreement for shared custody too.
New beginnings are not easy. I am so tired from working in the garden and the house that I get home and just collapse. We are painting my room with the same dark blue ceiling and a little lighter blue on the walls that I have here. Then I get to take my stuff off the shelves, about 28 feet of Beanies and drinking glasses and whatever else. I am probably going to have to put my snakes in the closet because there will be no room with the rest of my junk. I decided to knock off early tonight and come home at 11:00 p.m. instead of 1:00 a.m. I painted my room, ceilings and walls, closets, doors, everything. I even painted a pentagram on the floor that will be covered with carpet, but at least I know it is there. It is going to be a really cramped space, just enough room for me, my bed, my bunnies, snakes, TV and computer hopefully.
Everything else will be downstairs. I have also cleared out a lot of the fallen trees in the woods and whacked down the poison ivy. I had to climb up on the roof of the barn yesterday because a tree had fallen onto it. The only ladder we had looked to be about 100 years old, an old hayloft ladder. I was scared shitless, but I made it. I LOVE the chain saw! I never used one before this week. It is so cool to have so much power in your hands. I also love riding the lawn mower all over the property. I have never had a riding mower before and it is great.
I have been burning trees and brush out at Grandma's and smell like smoke. Big freaking fires though. I like fire! We will be getting carpet in about a week and then finally start really moving stuff in. I enjoy the work, but I will be glad when everything is done.
New beginnings can also be dangerous. I was out at Grandma's clearing some more bushes and ran into King Kong Spider so I decided to turn tail and run like a little bitch, after a high-pitched girly scream of course. Not sure if I mentioned it before, but I am horribly, deathly, unbelievably, drastically, (insert other ---ly word here) afraid of spiders.
This wasn't an ordinary spider, this thing made tremors that measured on the Richter scale it was so big. I got the fuck out!
Tomorrow, for the 4th of July, we are having a family get together at Grandma's. Funny, I still refer to it as Grandma's, probably always will. There are some things of the past that will never change. I am planning on getting drunk as one of George Bush's underage daughters because I hate almost everyone that is coming except for my aunt and uncle who live next door and their daughter and son-in-law. My aunt is up from Texas. Her son and his new whore who broke up his marriage will be there. This will be explosive because his wife said that if the whore shows up, she (the wife) will be there too. Should be a nice little cat fight breaking out. "Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!" (From Jerry Springer incase you haven't seen it.)
My cousin (Jake's dad) and his wife will be there. Both of them are hypocritical "Christians" that try to thump their Bible down your throat. He is a contractor and everything he and his crew have ever made is a piece of shit. Good Mr. Christian told Grandma to call the insurance company and tell them that she needed a new roof because of the weather when it wasn't weather related. Grandma was too honest to do something like that. We told him we wanted a new porch on the house and for him to use treated wood, which he didn't. A year later, half the porch fell off. We had windows put in and they fogged up within the month and we have been after him for ten years to use our lifetime warranty and replace them, which he hasn't. The drawer in Grandma's kitchen kept falling out whenever you pulled it open and he said there was nothing you could do to fix it. I pulled it out last night and all it needs is a new roller mechanism attached to it, probably a three-dollar piece at Home Depot. It is really comforting to know this guy is on the job and Mom wants to use him to do any work we need on the house, stupid bitch. I don't care if it is family or not, when he builds shit, you don't hire him. I am just waiting for him to say something about my pentagram. I will totally go off on him. The way it is presenting, it is in a Wiccan position, top of the star pointing North. That is my religion and I don't care if he likes it or not. If he tries to start witnessing to me, I will tell him I will listen as long as he listens to my religion. I just hope I make it through tomorrow without seriously offending someone, because I have been in a very bitchy mood.
Speaking of religion, there are a lot of things in Star Wars 3 that I think are pointed right at religion and I am actually starting to write a paper about it. Palpatine says the Jedi are close- minded and have narrow, dogmatic views, and to truly learn something, you need to study all aspects of it. Now if that isn't a description of religions around the world then I don't know what is! For another thing, the Jedi, as well as Christians, only follow what they are told and are too afraid to learn about everything else.
I am watching the Best of Real Sex on HBO and there are over a hundred genres of porn. They are showing everything from shaving, mature, lactating (yuck), trannys, all sorts of weird things. I don't look down on anyone for their fetishes though because I know I have some weird ones myself. They just showed a statistic that porn featuring fat women is number three in the market. Maybe I should let Nicole know. Speaking of Nicole and thinking about this Journey, I get really pissed thinking about Nicole, the no good dirty slut fucker. (God, it is getting so hard to come up with new swear phrases. I would love to go to England and learn to swear like they do. They are on a whole other fucking level of swearing.)
Well, we had the family get together. I am worn out after dealing with them. Everything went well. I didn't have to bitch at anyone, but I did hide in my room most of the day. Like I said, even with new beginnings, there are some things in the past that won't change! The new house is shaping up so I shouldn't be spending as much time out there. My part of inside work is done. I have refused to paint anything else, so I am just working in the woods now. Only problem is there is only so much daylight, and when you don't get up until after noon, there goes half of it. I'm going to bed. I've been a little under the weather lately from my Remicade treatments. Seems to be working, just gives me a day or two of the yucks.
Watched that episode of Family Guy again today where the neighbor thinks Taylor Hanson is a chick. I laugh my ass off every time I see that and think back to when I made the same mistake about all three of them! Tay's still one hot looking guy. I cannot believe the commercial on tv right now. It is for something called interactive male, a gay dating service. I cannot believe it is allowed on in this area with all the people who have the heads shoved so far up their asses. Of course though, it was preceded and followed by straight dating services.
Eric calls up and wants to know if he can spend the day. I go pick him up and we go out to Grandmas and do a little work, then come home to town. He wants to watch one of my DVD's that I got at the porn shop. We watch a little over an hour and then Mom calls and says they will be home in about thirty minutes. I tell him and then say that I want to get off before they got home. We take the same position as last time with me in the corner and him on the edge of the bed. I am able to sit and watch him without him knowing. I am surprised when he actually shoots. I had never seen him shoot before. That pushes me over the edge and I shoot off. He starts making fun of me because he, a thirteen-year-old, shot before me. Mom gets home and he goes out and spends time with them, so I have another quick wank then have to take him home. The day turns out a hell of a lot better then I figured.
Still working at the house tearing up the bushes and trees, etc. I need to paint the floor in my room because the animals had accidents in there. The carpet guy is coming Wednesday so I will hopefully have it down within two weeks then I can really start moving my stuff. For some reason, my week has been running together. I thought Monday was Tuesday, Tuesday was Wednesday, and today (Thursday) was Saturday. I am all fucked up.
Sometimes when things get too hectic I use Mikala (my crystal skull) to find my focus. A few days before I was fired from Shell, I spent about an hour holding him and concentrating trying to listen and the only thing that I could get out of him was "beware". Since Grandma died, I have her crystal skull sitting next to mine. It is rose colored, fitting because her name was Rose. When I first got mine, Robbyne said that it wanted to be near something pink (of all the crystal skulls out there, I get the one exploring his feminine side, LOL) so now they are sitting next to each other. It was a very enjoyable trip and I would love to go on another with Robbyne. If I had the money, I would go to Egypt with her in November, but almost $4000 is a bit out my price range right now. There are so many places in the world I want to go. I heard about the West Edmonton Mall in Alberta and need to add it to my list. I guess I should see the rest of my own country though before I go globe trotting.
I painted the floor in my room last night with this stuff called Killz.
It is supposed to get rid of pet odors and anything else that would leave a smell. I find it more relaxing to use a brush to paint, so I did my whole floor with a brush. I was so high when I was done I couldn't see straight, pretty cool. The few grey cells that I have left that I call a brain probably popped. I am about to collapse I am so tired, I don't even have the strength to take my evening shower tonight. I guess the dirt will still be there tomorrow morning.
I felt like such a hick tonight. I couldn't find any shorts to wear out to the new house to work in so I had to cut the legs off of a pair of jeans. Then, I couldn't find a shirt that would be cool enough to work in, so I had to cut the sleeves off one of my shirts and used the sleeve as a head band to keep my hair off my neck. God, all I needed was a piece of straw hanging out of my mouth and I could have moved to West Virginia and fit right in. I had to pull a tree that had fallen over and almost tore down the neighbor's fence. It was a lot bigger than I thought it was, probably 25 feet, so there is little 140 pound me dragging this damn tree behind me trying to get across the lane and hoping it didn't fall and hit the fence. Luckily I got it over where it wouldn't be in the way, then I fell over next to it and just lay there for a while catching my breath while sucking on my cigarette. I know. The two don't go together.
Saw an interesting program on the E channel last night, inside the mind of a serial killer. They talked about John Wayne Gacey, Jeffrey Dahmer, a guy who killed and skinned people and wore their skin, a woman who posed as a prostitute and killed the men she was with, all sorts of weirdos. I missed about an hour of it and it is on again Tuesday so I hope I can catch the first part and see what kinds of weird people are out there, and what not to do so I don't get caught. ;-)
Been a bad week for me. I got a tetanus booster last Monday since I am working in the woods where farm animals have been and I have been sick off and on since. I went to Cedar Point with a friend on Thursday and got so sick I almost threw up several times. That didn't stop me from going on the rides though and I paid for it most of the day. There was some damn nice "scenery" up there, both male and female. Friday I went to see Collective Soul at the Football Hall of Fame festival in Canton. There was a cute guy around 16 sitting next to me, the same nerdy goofball I usually go for. Great fodder for more jerk off sessions. It was a great show, but I got sick on the ride home and threw up for the first time in a long time while I was sober. I am finally feeling better today. On top of everything else, my pup is sick again, pretty bad this time. I have to take her in to the vet in the morning and they don't think things sound good.
The new carpet comes Thursday, so I will be ready to move my stuff in that night. We are going to be getting DSL (not Dick Sucking Lips, LOL) out there so I won't be stuck with dial up. A shiver goes up my spine when I even mention dial up. Gonna go finish up a few things on the computer. I had to do a system restore tonight because I downloaded I-tunes last week and it fucked everything up, so I need to check and see where I am with everything.
I close my eyes
And I can see
The day we met
Just one moment and I knew
You're my best friend
'Do anything
For you
We've gone so far
And done so much
And I feel
Like we've always been together
Right by my side
Through thick and thin
You're the part of my life
I'll always remember
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I . . .
Somehow, someday
We'd have to say goodbye.
You've helped me find
The strength inside
And the courage
To make all my dreams come true
How will I find
Another friend
Like you
Two of a kind
That's what we are
And it seemed
Like we were always winning
But as our team
Is torn apart
I wish we could go
Back to the beginning
The time has come
It's for the best I know it
Who could've guessed that you and I . . .
Somehow, some way
We'd have to say goodbye.
Somehow today . . . we have to say goodbye
I heard this song about five years ago when I started watching Pokemon and I knew I would play it when this day came, but I just didn't think it would be this soon. August 15, 2005. Another very black day. We have to have Kookie put to sleep. She has liver cancer and her kidneys are shutting down. They were going to do it last Tuesday, but I wanted a few more days with her and I thought she might snap out of it. She couldn't eat, the one thing she loved to do, and she wasn't drinking much or even going to the bathroom. We were going to do it last night, but the doctor is an asshole and he doesn't go in for emergency calls and he redirected us up to Canton if it was an emergency.
Two weeks have gone by and I am still kind of in shock over Kookie and trying to get back to some sort of normalcy. We are finally getting the big stuff out to the new house and I start back to school on Monday. I have been going crazy trying to get my student loans in order so I can actually go to classes. The stupid school has been sending me the wrong papers for the entire summer and now I had to rush around again to get things straightened out.
I am still living at the old house and waiting for the Internet to get hooked up out at Grandma's. They said it could take anywhere from one to two weeks still. Mom and Dad are living out there and keep hounding me to move the rest of my stuff. I keep telling them I can't move because I need the Internet for school, and of course my porn (which I am not telling them). School started three weeks ago and I am getting bombarded with computer classes. I have comp. assembly, networking, ergonomics, and visual basic. I don't even know what the hell visual basic is still don't after three weeks of class. I have about forty pounds of books that I have to lug around. I have already started the countdown, only thirteen weeks left!
I got a new dog from the pound. She is a Shih Tzu/Cocker Spaniel mix named Missy. I call her a little shitzel. She weighs about ten pounds and hasn't left my side since I got her. She is fitting in with the rest of the animals pretty well. I also picked up a terrier mix named Molly. Her face looks just like Kookie and she is fitting in too. Mom says she has peed the bed in the middle of the night, but that is probably from all the new adjustments. Turns out she is diabetic.
I have really enjoyed these last few weeks without the rents living here. I haven't had clothes on except to go to school and out to smoke. I have been able to set the temp at what is comfortable for me and haven't woken up drenched in sweat. I had an appointment with my shrink the other day and I found out I may be bipolar-2. I have some damn good drugs though for mood elevators and to help me sleep. He put me on Trazadone for sleeping, but the warning says if you develop a prolonged or painful erection, stop taking it right away. I read online that it could require surgery and possible impotence. I'm a little worried about that one. Everything else seems to be going well. My pup has fit right in and doesn't leave my side for anything. I was really missing something after Kookie and though she will never be replaced, Missy has filled that void.
Well, it is October 4 and I am almost all moved in to grandmas now, just a few small things left at the old house. I have been sleeping out here for about a week now. The DSL is hooked up and I have my network running. God I miss cable. I swear I could go out, get on a plane and find the info myself faster than this is running. I have found three snakes out here, one black rat and two other black snakes of sorts. The first two weren't too happy and I just took them up into the woods. The bigger one, about four feet, was biting my glove and seemed pissed. The smaller one was only about two feet. The black rat snake was a beauty. He was about five feet long and was so tame I picked him up without gloves to put him into an aquarium so I could study him. When I was done, I took him up on the hill and found a nice patch of leaves and fallen branches for him to go into. He started going off then stopped and turned around to look at me. Then he turned again and took off under the leaves. I wish I could have kept him, but I just don't have the right size tank for him right now. I've thought about going to be a vet, but do you know how much science and math vets need to know? I'm the guy that would stick with a major until I had to start taking math classes, and then I would just change majors instead of taking the class.
I'd really been looking forward to the move to Grandma's and to the new year at school and all, but this is turning out to be a year from hell. My Crohn's has flared again and I'm on prednisone and cipro, which isn't helping much. Tests say there is a tightening in the resection area that is definite but stable. So, though I managed to finish the fall classes I've had to drop my Spring 06 classes, and I don't think I'm going to be up to doing summer session either. On top of it all, thanks to my family I have caught bronchitis and have not been doing much of anything but laying around watching TV. Of course that is not all bad. Watched Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide with Devon Werkheiser the other day. I tell you, if I were ten years younger! As for real life, I went to Cedar Point last week with my friend I met at Kmart. Had a great time as usual. I wouldn't mind getting him in bed, but that will never happen.
May 5, 2006. A year has passed by since I began this chapter, and in retrospect, this has really not been a good year. My paternal grandfather died today. He and I were pretty close when I was growing up, but back in '97 we had a huge fight and he said I really wasn't a Spencer being adopted. That really pissed me off and I never really got over it. He'd been going downhill over the last few months and went into the hospital last week. I wasn't well enough to attend the funeral. My cousin Mitch (the boy whose feet I once licked on a whim) has turned out to be a drunk and a drug addict. He came to live with my grandfather after my paternal grandmother died. The family thought it would be good for both of them, with Mitch living the wholesome life with Grandpa and with the old man thinking he could change Mitch's life. Anyhow, when they began to settle the old man's estate and checked into his accounts it turns out Mitch took over ten thousand from his bank accounts. Personally I think that's hilarious.
I did get my ten thousand inheritance though or maybe I wouldn't have seen it as so funny. I have leap frogged into the present since I got the money. I got a digital camera and an Ipod, and of course I have spoiled myself with my one real passion right now, collectible knives and swords. I have over sixty different styles of swords, Bowies, and tactical folding knives. I order the sets off the TV and most of them come with dealer cases of the smaller folders, so I probably have a total of close to 800 knives in total. They throw a case of fish filet knives in with each order. I have four dozen of the damn filet knives, and I don't even fish! But, I guess that's life. And, a good place to end this chapter.