This is a story about the growing up and coming of age of a typical Ohio boy by the name of Jason as told to me through the exchange of a series of Email. It is a true story detailing true events with only the names, including Jason's, having been changed to protect the travelers we meet along the way. We pick up where we left off in Chapter 6 with Jason now seventeen and finishing off his Junior year and head over heels in love. The lyrics to "Friend To Me" are copyright of Garth Brooks. Comments about the story can be sent to the author, J.O. Dickingson at authorsix@hotmail.com and those who wish to correspond directly with Jason may do so at journeyofjason@yahoo.com
CHAPTER SEVEN: OF LOVES AND LUSTS SECRET AND OTHERWISE
While we were in high school Nicole and I wrote each other notes all the time. We would compete to see who could write the most in one school day, which I wound up winning with having sixteen pages, front and back, for a total of thirty-two pages, in one nine-period day. It took her about four hours to read it that evening. If you haven't noticed, I do ramble a little, and that is what the notes were. I would put in song lyrics, talk about what we were doing in class, what I planned to do that night, how much I hated school, everything and nothing at all. When Garth Brooks put out his Sevens album, there was a song called "Friend to Me." It seemed like it was written about us. We were the best friends forever and it seemed that we would be forever more.
Well you and I
We're buddies
And we've been since we first met
Me and you
Well we've sure been through
Our share of laughter and regret.
Lord knows we've had our bad days
And more than once we've disagreed
But you've always been a friend to me.
You can be so stubborn
There's times I think you just like to fight
And I hope and pray
I live to see a day when you say I might be right.
And there's times I'd rather kill you
Than listen to your honesty
But you've always been a friend to me.
You've always been
Time and again
The one to take my hand
And show me it's okay to be
Just the way I am
With no apology.
Oh you've always been
And you will 'til God knows when
Yes you've always been a friend to me.
Nicole and I are also big on going on drives in the country in her red, two-door 1990 Cougar and this is when we have some of our heart to heart talks. We talk about who we like, what we did in school, normal stuff like that. It is at the end of one of these drives when I am in my junior year and she is in her first year of college that I tell her I am bi. She is the first person I ever tell that to. We are talking about band and the problems I am having only having two tenors at the time, myself and Kevin. We stop in front of my house and talk for a few more minutes and just as I am about to jump out of the car, I say something to the effect, "Why couldn't it have been Kevin that is gay instead of his brother Pete." I open the door to jump out but get stuck in the seatbelt and she grabs me and we talk about it a bit and I tell her about my little crush on Kevin and how I'd like to, well, you get the idea.. She is shocked I can tell, but she is accepting and promises not to tell anyone unless I say it is okay.
Spring break the band goes on a trip to Florida, a major event for all of us and especially for those of us like myself who have additional responsibilities. I am a tenor sax player and in charge of the entire low brass section, which includes baritones and marching (valved) trombones. There are thirteen people I am in charge of section wise, and twenty if you count the people I am in charge of because people in my section are squad leaders. I am supposed to know where every person I am in charge of is at every moment of every show we ever do, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.
There are all kinds of great things planned, performing in the Magic Lights parade at Disneyland, time to take in the rides and events of the Magic Kingdom of course, going to Wet and Wild and Soak City, a trip to Planet Hollywood, the beach, and all sorts of other fun stuff and I am really looking forward to the trip. I am not, however, looking forward to the group I have been assigned to share a room with: George, Christine's ex, Ron, a real doof who goes to the same church as my neighbor, and Kenny, who is, well, just Kenny. George is a year older than I, and Ron and Kenny two years younger. By this time George and Kay have found out that Christine and I had been seeing each other before we'd broken up with them and things are still a little weird for George and me. Ron plays baritone so I am stuck with him in my section. There have been times I have gotten so mad at him because he got lost while we are practicing that I yelled so hard my vision blurred and I just saw flashes of colors. Intense would be an understatement. Everyone in the band knows that Kenny is gay, hell everyone in the school knows he is gay. He has just never admitted to it. He is weird and fruity and very odd, not gay odd, just very, very strange.
Early in my junior year I'd struck up a friendship with a girl in my section, Beth, and we've been talking to each other through most of the year. She is a really nice person, very cute, with long, dirty blond hair and an athletic body. She is a runner, track and cross country. Although we are really close, Beth knows about Tara and me and that I love her and that nothing is going to happen between us. I didn't realize when we first met that Beth is Nicole's cousin. They have the same last name and everything, but I was just very dense and never put two and two together. One day I was talking to Nicole and mentioned there was this really hot chick in my section named Beth. Nicole let me continue without stopping me, knowing all the time I was talking about her cousin. Boy, was my face red when she told me!
Anyway Beth and I decide to sit together on the way to Florida, which means over eighteen hours, right next to each other with very little space between us. Tara finds out about it and she starts on it like she does with Jessica, ribbing me about how much I liked her and how hard it is going to be sitting side by side for eighteen hours, just teasing as she trusts me fully. What she does not know is that I found out where Beth lives and drive past her house every time I bring Tara to my house.
We leave for Florida very early in the morning, something before six a.m.. For me 8:30 is the usual time to get up, which gives me twenty minutes until I have to be at school, plenty of time as we only live four blocks away, but I'm usually late every day. We take our seats and she sits on the aisle and listens to her CD player and I sit at the window and listen to mine. She loves Green Day and I am in my country kick at that point. We stop a few times during the trip for food, gas, restroom, and the like and drive through the night. Anyone who has been on an overnight bus trip knows it is next to impossible to fall asleep. We try and Beth keeps fidgeting and moving around and cannot get comfortable. I tell her to hold on a minute, move so I'm leaning against the window, and tell her to lean into me. I put my arm around her shoulder and onto her side and we sleep like that for a few hours. Actually I don't get much sleep. I am rather excited about her laying on me. I might love Tara, but I am a healthy, red-blooded American teenage boy! I am surprised nobody says anything about it. Usually that would have been on the grapevine before she got her eyes closed. When she wakes up, her legs are sore and cramping. I tell her to put her legs on my lap and I rub them where she is sore.
Arriving at our hotel the next morning, we are assigned our rooms and I begrudgingly trudge off with my new roomies for the next four nights to drop off our luggage. George as I said is the oldest and is about 5'7", 150 pounds, with a stocky build, blond-brown hair, and glasses. He is a percussion player, and not the brightest bulb in the box, a characteristic I've found most percussion players have in common. He is the kind of guy you would expect to have dead bodies buried in his backyard. People always said he would be able to kill someone and get away with it, but then that doesn't mean much. They always said that about me too. Ron is a pudgy, short kid, 5'6", 150 pounds or so, with brown hair. He kind of looks like a mouse, but not the cute mousiness I normally go for. His family is loaded, but so cheap it isn't even funny. Ron as I said is a real doof and is made fun of by everybody, even the teachers. Kenny is about 5'8" and thin, about 135lbs, and has brown hair. He also has the "gay" look about him, very feminine in looks and manners, with thin lips, a huge lisp, and that look in his eyes that screams out "hey, I'm gay!" Anyone just looking at him can tell. Myself, I'm 5'10" and a hundred and twenty-five pounds and just know that I like to mess around with guys and girls. To me it is experimenting and just plain having fun and I haven't yet put a label on myself. Well, actually I have. I tell everyone I'm try-sexual. I'll try anything once. My hair is almost half way down my back and has been turning darker brown all through high school. I wear it in a tail unless Tara and I are fooling around, wrestling or screwing, either or. Tara loves it when I have my hair down.
The room has two beds in the main area and a fold out couch in the entry area. We decide if we take turns sleeping on the floor, each of us would have a bed for three days and have to sleep on the floor for just one day. God forbid two guys would sleep in the same bed together! Having a bad back and knowing later in the week we had parades and shows, I choose the floor the first night so I would get a bed before the performances. After a practice and dinner we are given some time to ourselves at the hotel and I just want to watch TV in the room and try to get some sleep so I flop down on one of the beds and the others take off. It is probably around six when I turn the tube on and started flipping. I am alone in the room and just about to go into the bathroom to jack off when Kenny comes back to the room. He sits on the other bed and we talk for a bit and watch TV.
Of course we talk about how cool the trip is going to be and how exciting it is going to be playing in the Magic Lights Parade, and how the room is pretty cool though it's going to be a bit crowded with the four of us together, and awkward, not really knowing each other that well and each other's habits. Somehow in the course of our conversation the topic of masturbation comes up. I tell him it has been a few days for me what with the bus ride and all and that I had been about to go into the bathroom to do it when he'd arrived. He says that he hasn't done it in a while either and that he had been thinking about going to the bathroom to do it too. Well, we have one of those guy pauses for a moment, and he sort of suggests with a shrug and like it's not a big thing that we could do it together. Well, I readily agree, always eager to see someone else doing it.
We undo our pants and pull them open, exposing our underwear. On the count of three, we pull our dicks out. We are both hard and just start going at it. He slides his hand up and down the shaft without really gripping it. It is the first time I see somebody do it that way. I always have a tight grip on mine and move the skin up and down. Kenny keeps looking over at my dick and I watch him too. Most guys I've jerked off with have small dicks but his dick is the same size as mine which is pretty cool. I love watching other guys doing it, and being watched, and with the addition of the risk of being caught, I find the whole thing very hot. I shoot first and catch my cum on the back of my hand. He shoots a few seconds later and catches his stuff the same way. We both get up and waddle to the bathroom with our dicks sticking out of our underwear and our pants falling down our legs. We wipe off our dicks and tuck them away, clean up our hands with toilet paper, pull our pants up and go back to the beds. Less than ten minutes later Ron comes back to the room and Kenny and I act as if nothing happened. For myself it is exhilarating knowing that we had just gotten off and could have been caught together. Looking back, it was kind of foolish because that would have spread through the band faster than a joint at an Iron Butterfly concert.
Kenny and I don't discuss what happened until later that night. We are getting ready for bed with Ron and George getting the beds, me on the floor and Kenny on the folding couch. Kenny comes over into our area so he can talk with us, so we are both on the floor. We get onto the topic of sex, as normal teenage boys do, and once again the topic of masturbation comes up. I ask if they have ever jacked off in front of someone. Ron says no right away. Kenny hesitates for a second and then says no also. George says he's never jacked off period. For most other guys that sort of statement would have been greeted with a round of disbelief and ribbing, but George is such a jerk we all believe it possible. I tell them that I have and tell about doing it with one of my cousins, just making some shit up. I say that I jack off quite a bit and am feeling horny, not having been able to do it since we got there, but none of them take me up on my hint despite it being so obvious, not even Kenny who had to know I was trying to get Ron to lower his inhibitions and try it. It does lead to a frank discussion about sex and relationships among the three of us, George soon rolling over with his back to us and going to sleep. By then it is midnight but none of the rest of us are tired, being too wound up about the trip.
Willing to try anything to get to see another guy's dick and my hints not working, I mention that I can suck myself off. Neither believe I can and dare me to do it. I act like it is a strange and novel idea and that it would be weird exposing myself to them. They urge me on and I play them along a bit so I don't look so eager and finally agree. Ron turns the bedside light on and I pull my sweats down and sitting there on the floor I lean over and go down on myself. At home I usually throw my legs over my head, but there is no way I am going to do that and expose my asshole to them. I lick and suck a few times and then stop and say, "See, I told you." To my disappointment nothing further happens and I figure to push it would be too obvious. Finally it is after three in the morning and we start winding down. We've shut the light off again so as not to disturb George and I say something about having a wank and going to sleep, and reach down and begin to yank on my stiff, aching dick. Kenny and Ron say that's a good idea and so the three of us lay there and get one off. After over three hours of talking sex, it does not take long for us to get off. As usual I shoot my load on the back of my hand and suck it up. It is too dark for me to tell just what Ron and Kenny do, but there being no tissue in the bedroom and neither of them getting up to go to the bathroom, I just assume they do the same. I am disappointed I never got to see Ron's dick but I figure I still have three more nights. Ron drops off to sleep and Kenny and I talk for about another half an hour. He falls asleep there on the floor with me and never does make it back to the fold out cot. I wake up with such a stiff neck in the morning it isn't even funny. I am pretty much shot for the rest of the day.
That night George takes the couch bed in the entry way, Kenny is on the floor between the two beds again, this being his night to forego a bed in our macho refusal to have two guys in one bed, and Ron and I are on the beds. George is a real wimp and once again is asleep by midnight. I have always been a creature of the late night myself and have been staying up past midnight since at least sixth grade. Once again our conversation turns to sex and Kenny tells us that he is in fact gay and Ron and I both sarcastically say "No." We laugh a bit and continue talking. I tell them that I am bi and Ron says he is too. It is the first time I've ever admitted that to another guy though I don't recognize the significance of the moment at the time. Ron is a real dork and I'm not sure I can believe he is telling the truth. Actually, I can't even imagine him jerking off he is such a dork.
We start talking about people in the band that we would like to fuck. I mention Kevin, a hot boy in my section that I've had the hots for ever since I met him in my Sophomore year. Kevin is a real cutie with high cheekbones, big, beautiful eyes, sort of bowl cut hair, nice curves, and a gorgeous ass with a slight bubble to it. I've had countless fantasies about sinking my various body parts into that ass. I start telling them some of the stuff that I have done in the past with friends and family, always respecting the other person's privacy and not giving enough information for them to know whom I'm talking about. We talk for a bit longer and Ron drops off to sleep. Kenny and I decide to jerk off together, both admitting to being horny after our conversation, and then drop off to sleep also, somewhat earlier than the previous night.
The next morning we get ready to go with the band. George has headed off to be with his girlfriend at the breakfast bar as usual, Ron is in the bathroom, and Kenny and I are in getting dressed by the beds. He asks me if I would give him a blow job and I say sure, just not there right now. He wants to me to take a shower with him which I also turn down.
I do not need that piece of news floating around the band! I tell him to get with me when we are at home. He agrees and we go on our way.
Things were going very well between Beth and me throughout the trip and I'm really starting to like her despite my feelings for Tara. During practice that day Ron is doing his normal goofing off and everyone in the section is yelling at him, including Beth. When we are finished practice, I tell everyone that I would handle Ron and I didn't need them sticking their noses in what is my responsibility. Well, Beth gets pissed at that and doesn't talk to me for the rest of the trip, and actually doesn't talk to me again until band starts up the next season.
Disneyland is awesome of course, and for a roller coaster fanatic like me, I could ride the Matterhorn, Runaway Train and Space Mountain all day. While we are at Disneyland I slip into one of the public washrooms and have a quick wank, and for a few minutes it really is the happiest place on earth. Kenny, Ron and I jack off together again that night. If it had just been Kenny and I in the room we'd have left the lights on, but George is there asleep in the bed beside us and would have freaked had he caught us. Besides, Ron is with us. Actually, Ron says he is doing it, but he never shows anything. Looking back at it now, I doubt if he was really doing it. I am sure Kenny was. He is a lot like me. I am a very sexual and sexually open person and I will get off every chance I get. Again when I come I shoot into my hand and lick it off. I ask Ron and Kenny if they'd done it all the way afterwards and they both say yes. I tell them that I usually shoot in my hand and lick it up and Ron claims that he shot in his hand and licked it too which only adds to my suspicions.
The last day we go to a water park called Soak City. Well, the sight of dozens of guys in their tight, revealing Speedos and wet swim suits and the opportunity to see guys in the bathroom pushing their suits down to take a leak or changing in the changing room is like taking a kid to the candy store. I get to see some fucking hot guys between the ages of twelve and sixteen stark naked. One hot blond kid about fifteen with scruffy hair like Taylor Hanson wears now has the biggest dick I've ever seen in person, four and a half inches soft I'm sure.
I would have loved to have seen him hard and to have been the person responsible for him being hard. Despite how busy the change room is, I slip into one of the stalls and have a quick jack off. I cannot help it. I know now it was foolish, the change room having the most people of any public place I've ever jerked off in, and me having greatest chance of being caught, but my nuts were in charge that afternoon, not my brain.
That night, our last night in the hotel room, Ron says that he was just joking and that he isn't bi. Kenny and I are rather pissed over it and we sort of shun him that last night. I suspect he'd just said he was bi because I had, or perhaps because he figured that made it more acceptable jacking off together. Who knows? He might not have been joking at all but the guilt of the church made him say that he was. Damn church screws up so many minds. My parents had decided to take a vacation at the same time as our trip so I could stay an extra day in Florida, so while the rest of the band boards the bus the next morning I join them and travel back home with them the next day. We get home and I don't hear anything from Kenny so I figure he just forgot about getting together, or that he is busy with one of his friends.
Tara has a softball game the weekend of the big Christian Rock festival this year, just like last year. Her parents have a dream that she is going to get a softball scholarship and go to a good college so despite all our arguing this year they refuse to let her go and so I go by myself. It is really tough. I purposefully avoid Kay, who has gone to every concert I have and whom I suspect is enjoying my misery.
I have a really cool shirt with colors shooting everywhere and a crystal ball type thing in the middle. I wear that with my sunglasses and hair down with a floppy little black hat, almost like a fisherman hat. I am walking around by myself and go into the souvenir tent to look around. I am getting very nervous because I don't like close situations like that and it is so crowded. A girl comes up to me and says she likes my shirt. I say thanks and take off. I stop outside and she catches up with me and starts talking to me. We get really close in just a few minutes and hang out with each other the rest of the night and decide to meet the next day. It turns out she lives in Ohio, but it is about four hours from me. She is a sweet girl, half Cherokee, and she is really starting to think we are going to get together. We do kiss and the people in my group can't believe I am doing that. Considering everything that happens between the two of us, I am surprised that I would be able to be swayed so easily. We talk for several months after that and talk about getting together some time, but never do. That is the only time I ever come close to cheating on Tara. Tara never did find out about our friendship, at least not to my knowledge.
Another thing that happens that month that affects my life is seeing the Hanson video for MMMBop. It is an innocent, cute video with the boys just being themselves, running around and having fun. I go out immediately and buy the single since that is all that is out at the time. I tell Tara about them and that it is a fun song and what not, and that from what I understand, it is a brother and two sisters that formed the band. I mention to Tara that the keyboard player is cute and she jumps right on that like she did with Jessica and with Beth. Actually, the video reminds me of Jessica with how the girls were rather tomboyish running around and skating. Well, then the Hansons appear on the Rosie O'Donnell show and I find out they are all guys! I act all shocked and upset to the people I'd told I thought they were cute girls, but it doesn't bother me, being bi and only Ron and Kenny knowing at the time. It is a funny story now that I have told some friends though it isn't at the time. It has helped me several times because when I get the hots for a guy I can say that I thought it was a girl and that I have a history of not being able to tell.
In May we go to Tara's Prom and have a great time. After the dance we all go to her friend's house for a sleep over. Tara and I get into a little argument and don't talk the rest of the night until around seven in the morning. She says I am always making fun of her and putting her down, which I do, but just in fun. We are always knocking on each other in front of friends, just a little ribbing, nothing ever too bad, and we both give as much as we take.
I don't realize it hurts her as much as it did. Besides, she is always ragging on me about Jessica and Beth and I am getting a little annoyed by the frequent mentions of them, especially Jessica. That really doesn't lead directly to our break up but the constant talk about Jess does keep her in my mind and like I said, I am starting to believe that yes, I am in love with her to a certain point. It is our first real argument and from that point things suddenly and quickly fall apart.
I have a parade to march in with the band for Memorial day and then a concert at the street festival and Tara is going to come meet me and watch the show. Between the parade and concert, I am talking with Alisa and she mentions that she had talked with Jessica's sister and that Jessica's sister is afraid that Jess is gay because she doesn't have a boyfriend and has no interest. Alisa says that she and Jess's sister had talked about hooking me up with Jess and that the sister would talk with Jessica about me and see what happens.
Shortly afterwards, Tara and I go to her grandma's house for a cookout and then come back to my house for another with my family. I had gotten a speeding ticket the week before and Mom had taken my license from me, so I have to have Mom drive me out to Tara's. We have to stop at the store on the way and as soon as we go in I feel something weird.
I can almost sense Jessica is there. I keep looking for her but can't find her so I figure I am going crazy. We get to the checkout and I look up and she is at the end of the aisle. I start feeling that we have a connection and are meant to be together. This starts a very bad time for me of obsession and depression. I have two shirts that describe it exactly, "Some call it Stalking, I call it Love," and "No restraining order can stop my love."
We get to Tara's grandmother's and we are at her cookout and things are going okay but I keep thinking of Jess. When it is time for us to go back to my house, Tara drives us in and it is a rather long and quiet ride. I have a lot to think about and am a little short with her the rest of the day. My head is still spinning from knowing Jessica was there in the store and I'd somehow sensed it, and on top of that I've been getting sicker and sicker all month and don't know what is going on which does not help, and then with the conversation with Alisa, my patience is thin and my mind is somewhere else at that point. The wheels start turning and I start looking at Tara as something in my way to get Jessica. I treat her very badly that day, almost the whole day, and when we go to my house, I almost ignore her completely. Tara leaves about eight and when she calls to say she had made it home, she says that it isn't fair the way I am treating her and she doesn't need to put up with my shit and that she doesn't deserve it. Well considering my thoughts about her blocking my way to Jessica that fits right in with my desires so I tell her no she doesn't have to, and if she doesn't like it she can hang up. We leave it at that and decide to meet the next day after school.
So we get together at my house the next day after school and I break up with her. I start to tell her that we are just growing apart and that we should go out and see other people and all that bull shit. Mom comes in and sees what is going on and sticks her nose in and that starts a big fight with us. WW3 would be a walk in the park after this. Tara starts crying really hard and I feel bad, but things are already in motion. We take a walk and talk a bit with her trying to convince me not to leave her. I won't listen to her and tell her we are done. My parents and her parents get together that night and talk while Tara and I stand outside her house, her crying and me trying to comfort her. We kiss one last time and she is out of my life. It all happens so suddenly it comes as a bit of a shock to me actually. One day we are madly in love and the next we are at each other's throat. I can't help but think how the same thing happened between James and me. And I can't help thinking that in both cases I'd gotten into some hot and heavy sex before the breakup and have to wonder if that has anything to do with it. About three weeks later she comes over to my house much to my surprise, but I quickly find out why. She stays a while and then rushes off, making a big point of telling me she'd met someone. So much for everlasting love.
Tara is not my only break up the end of grade eleven. I'd been going to the Methodist Church since the middle of grade nine, but I never was into the religious bit and the only reasons that I kept going were Tara and some of the fun things I got to do. Every Sunday I woke up early, got all dressed up in a shirt and TIE, and sat and prayed and blah, blah, blah. I went to Sunday School and signed some stupid contract about abstaining until I was married. Guess that should have been a sign as to my seriousness right there, LOL! I did have the normal guilt feeling of that age about masturbation, and that is the only time I was really concerned or let the bisexuality thing bother me. I hate religion. I always tell people I am a recovering Catholic because when I was younger I would go with my grandparents occasionally.
Religion is the number one gateway to psychosis known to man. It poisons the mind and corrupts the soul. Somehow I am supposed to believe that there is an invisible Man who lives in the sky with a special list of things I can and can't do. If I follow this list, I am allowed to come and live with Him in the clouds and play my harp, but if I don't listen to this list, He will send me to a place of eternal hell, fire and damnation, yet He LOVES me. The only way to control free- minded people is to make them think what they are doing is wrong by using fear. The Bible was written by men who feared losing control of the population, so you put fear in them and can control them. And this is the STORY BOOK that religion is based on. Not for me. I don't need somebody to tell me how to be a good person. Okay, I'll step down from my soap box. I just have some real issues with religion and they stem from my time at that church. They haven't heard the last from me though. Muah-ha-ha-ha.
Anyway, I stop going that summer. Actually, I think in the Methodist church they have some contest going to recruit people to churches and for every fifteen people you get a toaster oven or something. Tara hooks up with another guy that summer, some guy from the park, and the two really seem to hit it off. I wonder if she got her toaster.
I get a Playstation which has a demo of Spyro the Dragon. I love that game so I go out and buy the full version. Eric and I play it a lot along with some of my wrestling games. I always sit on the couch under a blanket with Eric in front of me on the floor playing the game. I usually rub myself while he plays and of course being under the blanket he never notices. One time we are wrestling on the couch and I roll his legs up over his head and notice he isn't wearing underwear under his shorts. I pull his shorts to the side with my foot, making it seem like an accident, and get to see his five-year-old hiney hole. Another time we are sitting on the floor together and we are wrestling around and I ask him if he knows what a wedgie is. He of course doesn't and I tell him he is too young for me to explain it and he will find out later. I know that will get him and he starts bugging me about it. I tell him that I will show him and he gets all excited. I grab his pants in the back and pull quite hard. I was laughing so hard after that and he was rather pissed.
Breaking up with Tara gives me plenty of time to obsess over Jessica. That summer I drive past her house every chance I have, I look at her picture in the year book for hours while listening to REO Speedwagon's "Keep on Loving You," "Can't Fight This Feeling," and "In My Dreams." Those three songs really mean a lot to me and "In My Dreams" is really what I would have considered being our song had we ever gotten together. I write Jess's sister a letter. I am really into writing letters. We talk also and I find out that Alisa mentioned me but nothing much was said. The bitch had made up the whole thing about Jess's sister thinking of hooking Jess and me up. That totally pisses me off. It seems like Alisa is at the core of my breakups ever since I broke it off with her. The information does not stop me from obsessing about Jessica however, which is basically all I do all summer.
Summer band starts up again at the start of August. Kenny is still in my section which immediately brings back memories of our trip to Florida, but I get the worst group of people I have ever worked with. It is like in Mr. Holland's Opus as he was trying to teach the football player rhythm on the drum. These people have no sense of time and no idea what a straight line is. We are a very high energy swing band with high knee lifts, military type turns, and a very loud sound. During our pre-game, we had 140 people lined up in an end zone coming down the field in rows of 10. How hard is it to hit with your right foot on step four and eight? Anyway, practice goes on and my people are not getting any better. I am so fed up and I just don't care anymore and give up. I had done it for four years and this is my last year, so who gives a shit?
The whole ordeal with Jessica really grows into an obsession my senior year. Having broken up with Tara the previous May, I am free to roam. It gets to the point where I know everything about her. I know her full name, birthday, Social Security Number, school ID number, locker combination, and complete school schedule. I know where she is in the school at every minute of the day. I have a very light schedule my senior year so I am able to wander the halls during the day. This is before all the school violence so we are allowed to just wander without hall passes. I keep a log of what she wore every day, a list of the school sports she is involved in and how she places. I know the VIN number on her car by memory.
I always make sure to walk to class in the direction that I know she would be coming from.
As she lives right around the corner from me, I am able to keep even better tabs on her. It is a really interesting time in my life. I never do get caught with any of my "stalking." That should not be a surprise. Alisa was a very good teacher.
Finally one Tuesday after school as we are getting ready to watch the tape of our last week's performance, Kenny comes up to me and after a bit of small talk, he asks, "you remember what happened in the hotel room in Florida?"
My dick gives a little twitch as he asks, and I respond, "yeah, I remember everything about the trip."
"You remember what you promised me?"
"I do."
"You still willing to go through with it?"
"Of course. When will work for you?"
"How about today, if that's okay for you?"
"Sure. Follow me home. The rents won't be there."
"I probably wouldn't return the favor."
I don't care. We walk the four blocks to my house, go up to my bedroom, and I tell him to go ahead and pull his pants down. He does and sits on my bed with his dick sticking straight up waiting for his first blow job. I stroke him a few times, play with his balls, and notice a bit of slickness on his dick. I am not sure if it is some lube left from the last time he jacked off, or if it is sweat from the day. I take him in my mouth and swirl my tongue around a few times and start licking up and down. His dick is the same size as mine as I said earlier, and I love it. His is the first dick that I can actually try, and succeed at, deep throating. I have very good control of my gag reflex. I suck him for about 10 minutes and start getting a cramp so I stop.
"So that is the basics of a blow job," I say as I stand up.
"Thanks," he replies, his voice a bit husky, and he starts pulling his pants up.
"You going to leave?"
"Yeah."
"You going to go home and jack off?"
"Yeah."
"You can stick around and do it here if you want. I'll drive you to band practice." We always have practice Tuesday nights at the stadium for practice on a real field.
So I drop my pants to my ankles like Kenny and sit down beside him and we stroke ourselves off right next to each other, occasionally touching arms we are so close. We blow on our other hand and then lick it off. After we are done, he leans in to give me a kiss but I pull away and tell him that it is nothing personal but I just don't kiss guys. I'm glad he'd come over though.
I get my first introduction to the Internet in November. Mom gets us a Webtv system and we all think we are big shit. It is not long before I get into the habit of waiting for the rents to go to bed and then start surfing. I quickly discover the wonderful world of news groups, and that you can find absolutely anything you want to on a news group if you know how to look. If you had a fetish for fat Chinese girls with fu man choo's hanging upside down from a window sucking a dead horse with roses in its mouth, you could probably find a news group devoted to that. I wind up with a pretty good collection of pics that I print out and keep in my closet for later use. The bad thing about Webtv is that it has no hard drive, thus no memory. You can bookmark pages, but that is it. I quickly learn the ins and outs of the news group mazes, which with Webtv are free, and happily explore the new fascinating world of porn. I read stories and different articles about sexual preferences and realize that there are a lot of guys like me and that being bi is ok. That is really when I first think about my sexual orientation seriously and accept the fact that I am bi and that what I've been doing is more than just exploring and having fun.
Of course I still use my lottery list of names of people whose assorted body parts I've seen or with whom I've done stuff to come up with jack off fantasies. I have a dream where I am in a pit with about thirty of my other friends, male and female, and we are forced to pair off and have sex. I chart this out and list thirty people and then pair them up and jerk thinking about the dream and the people I randomly paired up.
December I finally send Jess a letter that tells her how I feel about her and asks her to call me. She does and we talk for about five minutes. She says she remembers playing some sports with us but not too much. She doesn't really know me and basically isn't willing to even try to get to know me. That sends me into a real depression and I stop eating. Even knowing that she isn't interested in the slightest, it takes a long time for my obsession to fade.
It is probably the best thing to happen to me though because January we find out about me having Crohn's Disease, an inflammatory bowel disorder, the reason I'd been feeling so weak and sick the end of my junior year. I spend the rest of the month discovering the wonderful world of colonoscopies. Talk about a pain in the ass! Then I spend all of February making up work and trying to stay on top of my studies. I have my nose shoved so far up my Physics teacher's ass I can tell what she is having for lunch before she eats it. I go on Prednisone and shoot up to over 150 pounds, the most I have ever weighed. I'd been writing by snail mail and then when we got the net, off and on by Email to the girl I'd met at the April Christian Rock festival, the part Cherokee, and when I tell her about being diagnosed with Crohn's she is really upset and worried. My last Email I write is in March to tell her I won't be going to Ichthus that year because of my health and school requirements. I never responded to her last email so she probably thinks I died or something.
That March I find out the guy Tara had met up with in the park had treated her like shit right from the start and had ended up getting her knocked up and had then dropped her. It had been a typical rebound. I'd figured that right from the start, the day she'd surprisingly dropped in and then had to rush off after telling me she'd met someone. I am shocked, but I know I shouldn't be after what we had done. I'm still in my little obsession phase over Jess but I still care about Tara and I feel bad for her. At first when I heard the jerk had left her, I had hoped we could get back together but I'm not too thrilled with kids, babies at least, so that does kind of play on my decision not to try seeing her.
For spring break my senior year, I and my suitcase of pills (I'm taking fifteen pills a day at that point) go on a trip with the choir to New York City. Wonderful town, wonderful trip, wonderful group of people. I am hoping Jessica will be going since she is in the choir, but she doesn't. I am in the pit band of the show choir and so is Kevin, the cute kid from my section, and his best friend, Shawn, who is also from my section. We are all going to be in the same room with Ray, a Junior in the show choir. I am so excited that I am going to be sharing a room with Kevin that I jack off thinking about it every day leading up to the trip. I am very disappointed when he changes rooms at the last minute, but at least I am still going to be with Shawn and Ray.
Ray is the poster child for Ritalin. I think he was dropped on his head a few times or something. He is just fucking weird. Short black hair, brown eyes, 5'8", 150 pounds and very well built, he is a lifeguard at the park. The boy has so much energy it makes you tired just sitting with him. Then he will calm down and just sit for ten minutes pointing his fingers like guns at his feet. Suddenly he goes "bang" really loud like he shot his foot and snaps out of his trance and is back to himself. There are also times he will point his "guns" at somebody and again, "bang!" I mean this kid is messed up. He is a good guy though, very trustworthy.
He has no concern when it comes to nudity. He and I have roomed together before and I really don't remember a time when I didn't see either his ass or dick coming out of or going into the bathroom. We even shared a bed on one of the trips, we both being secure enough to not let it bother us. I woke up around three a.m. with him pressed against my back and grinding into me. That time he was asleep and had me shoved clear to the edge of the bed.
I'd rather enjoyed it and quite honestly I am hoping we might have a repeat performance on this trip, but not in his sleep.
Shawn is another cutie, just not to the extent of Kevin. He has dark brown hair and brown eyes and is about 5'10" and 140 pounds. He has a darker complexion, and I think is of Austrian ancestry. Kevin and Shawn had gotten into a bit of a fight over a girl a short time ago and I had gotten to hear all the details of how much bigger (down there) Shawn is than Kevin. I would have offered my services to compare the two, but unfortunately it never came to that. I had gotten to see Shawn's dick once in the boy's room while I was roaming the halls this year. I didn't see much because I didn't want it to be obvious, but what I saw was nice and I'm hoping for a better view on this trip.
As it turns out nothing too exciting happens in New York City. I do get to see Shawn's ass when he moons the city out of our window the first night. Very cute ass. One night, the phone rings and I answer it. I am sitting on the one bed and Shawn and Ray are on the other bed. The phone is for Shawn so I lean over Ray to hand it to him. I look down and there is his dick sticking up through the fly in his boxers. I stare for a minute, absorbing every detail, and then tell him he better put it away, hoping of course for just the opposite. I don't know how you can have your dick hanging out and not know it. I know where mine is and what it is doing at every minute of the day.
Now had it been Kevin I'd probably have offered to tuck it away for him. Kevin is a little taller than I am, about 5'10", 140 pounds, and so cute it would melt you. His eyes are what always get to me. He just has to flash his big blue eyes at me, say "hey Spency," the nickname he came up for me, and I will roll over and do anything he asks. It kind of makes me feel good when he calls me that, kind of like I am accepted into his little group. How the others never figure out that I want him I have no idea, unless they are just being nice or using my infatuation with him to their advantage. That boy could get me to do anything and the boy knew it. Unfortunately his brother is the gay one and he is very straight.
His brother Pete is a real bastard. He was in the grade ahead of me through school, same as Alisa and Kay. They are all friends, not great friends but they talk. He had been in my section my freshmen year, as I mentioned earlier, but moved to tuba the next year, thank God. Pete is another closet case that doesn't keep the door closed very tightly. Everybody knew he was gay but he just wouldn't admit it while he was going to school. Finally when he graduated last June he came out and told Kevin and the rest of his family. Kevin is really freaked about having a gay brother and I really don't blame him. If I had a brother that looked like Kevin, I would have been all over him. After Pete came out Kevin still joked about him and made fun of him around the guys, but when he and I talked alone he told me he's accepted it and is fine with Pete being gay. Like I said, everyone opens up to me when alone.
Shawn really surprises me on this trip. While Ray sleeps, we talk about the usual stuff, school and relationships, how much fun we are having in New York, and what we will be doing the rest of the week. He and I have some real heart to heart talks and discuss some deep things besides, like what we are planning on doing after we graduate (he has two more years to go after I graduate), the problems we had in our section the previous year, and things like that. It is a great time and I really enjoy talking with him. We watch South Park, the one with the mad genetic scientist making all of the animals with four asses. We laugh so hard at some of the stupid things going on. I am very close to telling him that I am bi and have a huge crush on Kevin but back out at the last minute. There are only the two beds in the room and I offer to let him share mine if he wants to, but he turns me down and takes the floor. I am just being nice, no other intentions. He and I still have a very good relationship. We can be serious or just have fun and laugh. That is the way I have always been with friends. When we get together just the two of us, they really open up to me and confide in me.
In June we are at our vet's and I spot this Fox Terrier. She had been abused in her last home and the clinic had to take her. The poor thing is underweight and has a ring around her neck where her previous owners had her leash on too tight. Well we adopt her on the spot, sort of an early graduation present. The Humane Society named her Cookie and have had her for so long, she is used to the name. I keep the name but change it to Kookie just to give it a twist and something personal. It confuses them at the vet because they always look for a C in the computer and I always have to tell them it is with a K. She is very frightened and timid and won't eat so I begin to feed her anything that she'll accept, cookies, snack cakes, mac and cheese, fast food, anything at all to get her strength back.
I graduate around seventy-fifth out of more than two hundred, not great but not horrible. In that I am planning on taking saxophone lessons at the University of Akron and my saxophone being a piece of shit, I go to Indiana and get a brand new, Yamaha Custom series Alto Saxophone. This costs us thirty-five hundred dollars and is like the Rolls Royce of Yamaha saxophones. Tara graduates from her school too, but her big college plans are shot what with her pregnancy.
One of my most daring public jerk offs is the beginning of that summer before my nineteenth birthday. Alisa is going to attend summer school at Akron and having taken the orientation classes and tours in that I was enrolled at Akron for the fall, I know where everything is and where to park. So, I go up with her and her family to help her move in. It's been around five years since we broke up and we've gotten over it. While we are there we decide to go for a swim in a small lake, a pond actually, in a state park campground in NE Ohio, and I just decide to do it in the pond. So I go off to the side and go for it. It doesn't take long to finish off. I get out a short time later and go to the showers with Alisa's younger brother Jimmy who is about four years younger and whom I have a slight thing for that summer for a while, more as a conquest than anything else. I watch him from around the shower curtain and shoot another load. He has blond hair which he keeps very short and is five foot seven, 140 pounds, solidly built, and tough as nails. I never do get around to doing anything with him.
That summer I begin my saxophone lessons at the University of Akron and I concentrate on keeping my health up and on my music. I go up on Thursday for my lesson and spend the day before and after my lesson with Alisa in the student center making fun of people and exploring the campus. It is good because I plan on attending the university the upcoming year and so I get to learn the campus before I get there. Before I know it summer is over and I'm off to Akron and a new life.