Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
That said, on with Season 7.
Joey
Joey sat on the couch, watching as Justin held himself, wrapping his hands around his elbows. Tears were running down Justin's face now, but he seemed unaware of them.
"I love him, Joey," Justin repeated, his voice cracking. "I love Lance, and I want him to be happy. That's all I want."
Joey jumped up, grabbing him, and Justin sobbed against his chest, burying his face there, unable to look at Joey, not wanting to see whatever was in his eyes.
"It's ok, Justin," Joey soothed. "It's ok. Let it out."
"I just want him to find someone," Justin explained, crying steadily. "I just want, he deserves to be happy, and I don't want to screw that up for him."
"Justin, why wouldn't he be happy with you?" Joey asked. How could Justin be so blind not to see the way Lance looked at him, the way Lance was with him. "I've never seen him like he is with you, Justin."
Justin shook his head against Joey's chest.
"He can't love me," Justin said, sniffling. "He can't, Joey. I'm not, I, Lance deserves someone better than me. Lance deserves someone who won't hurt him, someone who's, who's good, and perfect, and I'm not."
"Maybe you are to Lance," Joey said quietly.
"I can't be," Justin argued. "I'm, I've done things, bad things, Joey. I hurt Lance, and I hurt everyone. I can't do that to him. I want him to be happy, to find someone, so I went away. If I'm not there, he won't notice me, and he'll, he'll go with Chad, or with someone, and he'll be happy, Joey."
"What about you, Justin?" Joey asked. Justin pulled away from him, walking toward the windows.
"I don't matter," Justin answered quietly. "I'm trash, Joey. I'm just a pretty face, and that's all people have ever wanted from me. I'm no better than Nick."
Joey looked down at his hands, and then looked up again at Justin's back, at his slumped shoulders and his lowered head. He saw Justin standing there, broken inside, maybe forever, and felt rage surge up in him again. He felt this way the other night when he punched Nick in the face, when he thought about the way Justin used to be. Even if he hadn't always liked him, he'd been a whole person, damn it. He'd been young, and happy, and had enjoyed life. He hadn't been this husk, this walking shadow who was so afraid of everything that he couldn't even sleep in a room alone.
"That's bullshit, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his shoulders. Justin cringed. "You're not trash! God damn it, Justin, how many times are you going to do this to yourself?"
"What?" Justin blinked, shaking. He was so afraid, but Joey would never hurt him, would he?
"You deserve to be happy, too, Justin," Joey snapped, holding him tightly, glaring into his eyes. "You deserve to be happy just as much as Lance does. Is this how you want to live the rest of your life, Justin? Crying and afraid and alone? Is it?"
"No," Justin whimpered, feeling his heart pounding. None of the others every yelled at him any more. None of them grabbed him, or screamed at him. He was frozen, but he felt something else opening inside of him, something hard that he had forgotten was there.
"What?" Joey barked.
"No!" Justin yelled. "No!"
"Then stop it," Joey said, letting go of him. Justin stepped away, blinking, his hand drifting up to his mouth as if he couldn't believe that he'd just yelled at someone. "How many times are you going to do this, Justin? How many times are you going to break yourself because you think you're not good enough? I saw you do it with JC, and I'm not going to watch you do it again. If you love Lance, you're going to fight for him, damn it."
"I can't," Justin said, shaking his head.
"Yes you can!" Joey snapped. "Damn it, Justin, when did you ever quit? When did you ever give up? When did you ever just lay down and let things happen? You have to fight, Justin, you have to. You can't give up, damn it. I won't let you."
"But I," Justin began, sputtering, trying to slide back into his closed off space where he felt safe. "He, I."
"No buts, Justin," Joey said, shaking his head. "Do you love him? Do you love Lance as much as you say you do?"
"Yes," Justin admitted, looking away.
"I can't hear you," Joey said, knowing he was pushing him. Somebody had to, damn it. "I don't believe you."
"I love him," Justin repeated, and looked up to see Joey shaking his head. "I love him!"
"Then you have to tell him, Justin," Joey said, grabbing his arm. Justin gasped.
"I don't know," Justin began. Joey shook his head.
"No, Justin," Joey said. "You do know. You love him. Maybe he only loves you as a friend. Maybe he really does like Chad. Or maybe he cares about you, Justin. Maybe he's afraid of the same thing you are, of pushing you away. One of you has to say it. For better or worse, one of you has to take the chance."
"I don't know if I can," Justin said, his lip trembling. "What if I lose him?"
"What if you win?" Joey asked. Justin shook his head again, and Joey fought the urge to shake him, watching the struggle inside him, watching everything fight and bubble under the surface.
"It's, I," Justin sputtered again. Joey's face was right in front of his. There was nowhere to go, and he knew Joey was right. He knew it. He was just afraid, so afraid.
"Justin, what if this is your only chance?" Joey asked. "What if you spend your whole life alone, and scared, and crying, because you had this chance, and you were too scared to take it? Is that what you want, Justin? Is it?"
"No," Justin said shaking his head. "No, I love him."
"Then you have to fight for him, Justin," Joey said, hugging him again. Justin squeezed him tightly.
"I'll tell him, Joey," Justin whispered. "I'll tell him tonight."
Lance
Justin was acting oddly around him again, and Lance couldn't put his finger on exactly how. Something was wrong, but it didn't seem like the same thing that was wrong yesterday. Yesterday, Justin had pushed him away, and been closed off. Tonight, when he finally saw Justin at dinner, Justin was looking at him differently, hopefully, as if he was waiting for Lance to say something. Lance wanted to oblige him, wanted to say something, but he had no idea what Justin was looking for. He got the feeling that Justin was trying to say something to him, but every time Justin turned toward him, eyes wide, swallowing hard, he seemed to choke. Lance wanted to ask him about it before the concert, but was afraid it would break up their routine, that it might throw Justin, so instead he made sure they did things the same way they always did. So now, here they were, toweling the sweat off of themselves as they stripped off the last set of stage costumes, listening to the fans leave the venue, and they couldn't think of a thing to say to each other.
"So, um, did you sleep ok last night?" Lance asked.
"Yeah, I guess so," Justin said, not wanting Lance to worry. He realized that Lance would probably be able to see the lie on his face. "I had bad dreams, but I got some more sleep today, so I guess it was ok."
"It felt really strange not to be around you," Lance said, wondering if Justin felt that. "I kind of forgot what it was like to not have you there."
"I was thinking the same thing," Justin said, swallowing. He waited for Lance to ask if he wanted to come back, hoping that Lance would say it so that he didn't have to. He'd been hoping all night that Lance would say something first, because he was so nervous. Every time he tried to bring something up his tongue just froze in his mouth. Maybe he needed to make Lance realize how much he must miss having him around. "What did you do today?"
"I, um, Chad came over, and we went out to see a movie," Lance said. He was turned away, because Justin had started to pull his shirt off, so he didn't see Justin's face fall at the answer. Interpreting Justin's silence as interest, he kept talking. "It wasn't a bad movie, and Chad really liked it. We went out to eat, too, and we just kind of walked around the mall. I didn't really buy anything, but there was this leather jacket, with this fringe on it, that Chad thought I should buy it, but I thought it was a little over the top, you know? Justin? Are you dressed yet?"
"Just a second," Justin said, wiping at his eyes quickly. He knew what he and Joey had talked about, and what he was supposed to do, but he didn't know that Lance had gone straight to Chad as soon as he was gone. For Lance to just move on like that, like he was just waiting for Justin to be out of the way, it had to mean that Lance didn't feel the same way. Justin pulled his pants on and began walking quickly toward the door. "I'm dressed."
"OK," Lance said, turning around. He blinked at seeing Justin walking past him. "Hey, where are you going?"
"To see Joey," Justin said quickly, almost spitting it at him, knowing that Lance was still mad at Joey. He didn't mean to hurt Lance, didn't want to, but it stung thinking about Lance and Chad, seeing a movie, having a meal, doing all of the things he should have done if he wasn't so stupid and afraid. "I have to ask Joey something."
"OK," Lance said quickly, not wanting Justin to feel uncomfortable.
After Justin left, Lance continued getting dressed, and looked up when he heard a knock at the door.
"Come in," Lance called, curious. Justin wouldn't knock, and, sure enough, when the door opened, Justin wasn't there. Instead Chad was leaning in, smiling. He was wearing an extremely subdued outfit, plain khaki pants and a clinging light pink long sleeved shirt that brought out his eyes without making him look too pale. "Hey."
"Hi," Chad said, grinning sheepishly. "You guys were great tonight."
"Thanks," Lance said, smiling as well and pulling his shoes on. Chad's hair wasn't as heavily gelled as usual, either, and Lance thought for a second that he looked a little more normal, and a lot more attractive. "Did you come just to tell me that, or was there something else."
Chad fidgeted for a second, taking a deep breath as he jammed his hands into his pockets.
"There was something else," he said finally, staring at Lance. "I was wondering if, um, there's a park in the city, and."
"You were wondering if there was a park?" Lance asked, giggling. He knew it wasn't what Chad was trying to say, but he was giddy from being onstage, and Chad grinned, too, feeling the tension ease a little.
"No, I know there's a park," Chad said, leaning on the doorframe. "What I was trying to say, before you decided to be funny, was that there's a park, and they do carriage rides through it, at night, and it's supposed to be really nice, and I, um, I have one reserved, and I kind of wanted to know if you wanted to go with me."
Lance thought about it for a minute, and looked at Chad again. He thought about being outside, in the quiet, and how Chad's eyes might look with city lights and stars in them.
"I'll have to change my clothes, and send word to the busdriver to leave without me," Lance answered finally, and Chad grinned and clapped his hands. "Chad, I think this is a date. What do you think?"
"Yay!" Chad grinned, flying across the room to hug Lance, almost bowling him over. "We're going on a date!"
Justin retreated from the door, running back down the hall to Joey's dressing room, knowing that he'd find Josh, and Chris, and Jack, and Joey, and that they'd be there for him.
Jack
Chad, as part of his new dedication to getting his job done, met Andrew and I personally at the airport, keeping a car standing by at the curb when we got off the plane. I was already irritated when we landed, because the plane was late, and I knew that we wouldn't make it back in time for dinner. I had talked to Josh twice today, before I got on the plane and after my connecting flight landed, because he was still upset by his nightmare, and still convinced my plane was going to fall out of the sky and I would just be gone. It wasn't like him to be so upset, but I knew that it was all the other stuff bothering him, and this was just the way he was letting it out. I sent him a text message from the airport, wishing him luck with the show tonight and promising that I would be there by the time it was over. Chad looked halfway normal, and I was almost tempted to ask why, but figured I should talk to him as little as possible. I was still irritated from talking to Kevin the night before, and didn't want to take it out on Chad.
"Hey, how did everything go?" he asked, waving as Andrew and I came down the walkway. Andrew and I glanced at each other, not saying anything. Andrew knew how badly dinner had gone, and just in case he'd missed it I'd run six miles on the gym's treadmill this morning, gritting my teeth and refusing to share it with anyone else. They could use a bike, damn it.
"Fine," I answered, letting Chad lead us to the car. "We're not going to make dinner, are we?"
"No," Chad answered, shaking his head. He looked stricken, as if it was his fault. "It's because your plane was late, Jack. I'm sorry. We'll still get there by the time the opening act goes on."
"Chad, it's ok," I said, shaking my head. He must think I was a total nutcase to imagine that I'd yell at him because my plane was late. Then again, I yelled at him for everything else. Josh was right. I'd been kind of unfair to Chad, and I felt a little bad about it, but I still didn't like him. "Let's just grab our bags and get out of here."
"Here, I'll carry one," Chad blurted, grabbing Andrew's suitcase. Andrew and I glanced at each other again as Chad hurried away to the car. Chad, doing menial labor? He might chip a nail. Oooops, bitchy thought. I leaned over to Andrew.
"Whatever he did this time must be really bad," I whispered as Chad hurried ahead to let the driver at the curb know we were coming.
"Judging by this, you probably don't even want to know," Andrew whispered back. By the time we were in traffic I couldn't contain my curiosity any longer, and had to ask.
"Chad, is everything ok?" I asked carefully, trying to look neutral and pleasant.
"Yeah, yeah, everything's good," Chad answered, sitting anxiously across from me. If I had to pin a word on it, I would say he looked poised, eagerly awaiting my every possible need, like he'd suddenly become a model assistant. It was completely alien, and I wanted to check the trunk to see if the pod with his body in it was back there. "Is something wrong? Did you have something else I needed to work on?"
"No, that's ok," I said, baffled. "I was just, you know, thought I'd check."
"Jack, can I ask you something?" Chad asked, his action defeating his question. I nodded, wondering what the hell was going on. "Since you're not going to be speaking anymore for a while, you're not really going to need me, are you? I mean, you'll need help with your mail, but that's something the Jive office can handle if you need them to, isn't it?"
"Yeah, I guess," I answered. Where did that come from? Was he just blurting whatever thoughts popped into his mind? "I'm not really sure how things work with that, but someone handles all the rest of the fan mail over there, and could just as easily handle ours. Why?"
"No reason," Chad answered, looking out the window. "I mean, nothing important. I was just, you know, wondering."
"OK, sure," I said, shrugging, wondering if hair dye really could leak into your brain.
When we got to the venue Chad handed me my stage pass. He offered one to Andrew, but he wanted to head to the hotel, get changed, and go out to a bar somewhere, taking full advantage of his couple of days off. After he went out of town with me, I liked to give Andrew a day or two to go play, to vent some steam. It was the least I could do for completely uprooting him to come on tour with us, even if he'd agreed to it. Chad went off to go sit in his seats, and I went to VIP without Andrew, assuring him that I was fine with concert security, just as the opening act was finishing.
When the guys came on I watched with rapt attention, but they were off tonight. It wasn't anything the fans would notice, since the guys were consummate professionals, but I could tell that something was going on. Justin looked tense, and Lance was feeding off of it, too. The other three were all reacting accordingly, and I wondered if it had anything to do with Chad's overly solicitous sudden competence. I didn't wait for the show to close, and was already heading backstage before the last number, nodding to security and flashing my pass as I went through. Some of the fans recognized me, and waved as I went by, and I waved back absently before I vanished backstage, knowing my way around. I went to the side of the stage, knowing where they'd exit, because I'd promised Josh that I would be there, and I never broke a promise. He must have been thinking of it, too, because he was the first one out, and he was looking around as he came through the last black curtain.
"Jack!" he yelped, trotting toward me. He was still on his stage high, his hair dripping with sweat, his clothes clinging to his firm torso, and he grabbed me, spinning me around, my feet leaving the floor as I laughed. "Oh baby, you're here!"
"I promised I'd be here," I said, sliding down him, chest to chest, as he lowered me to the floor. I kept my arms around his shoulders, and pressed my mouth against his, feeling his hands sliding up my back as he held me to him, making a little contented moan. I felt Joey, Chris, Lance, and Justin tap me on the shoulder as they went by, smiling and nodding at each other, and I called down the hall after them. "Great show, guys!"
Josh pulled back, looking at me thoughtfully, his blue eyes probing mine.
"You're lying," he whispered, low so that none of the crew could hear.
"I know," I answered, holding him. His smile was still there, but I could see the line between his eyebrows. He was still in performance mode, mostly, but as he slipped out of it his smile was dropping. "Are you ok Josh? Not everyone else, but you?"
"Now that you're here," he answered, hugging me tightly. I could feel his heart pounding in his chest as I rested a hand on it. "Jack, that dream scared the hell out of me. I know it sounds stupid, but it seemed so real. We were touring, and you flew out, and you never came back, and when I woke up I was all alone in the bed. Junior was with me, and you were gone, and I don't want to think about that, Jack, never again. I don't know if I'd be able to keep going, if I could still do it, without you."
"I won't leave you, Josh," I said, not sure how I intended to keep such a promise, but I did. I meant every word I said. I kissed him on the forehead. "Let's go get you changed, and then we can talk about everyone else, ok?"
We walked hand in hand down the hall to the dressing rooms, and Josh went inside, looking at me curiously when I paused in the hall. I tapped at the door.
"You guys ok if I come in?" I asked, not wanting to invade their privacy.
"Sure," Joey answered. I could hear him giggling. "We let JC in."
"Come on in," Chris said, giggling too. "Why should you be the only one who hasn't seen Joey's fat hairy ass?"
"You guys," Josh said, shaking his head as he pulled me inside.
Contrary to Chris's statements, there were no hairy asses on display. Both of them were in undershirts, and already had pants on, having had an extra minute or two while Josh and I talked by the stage. Josh immediately began peeling clothing off as I took a seat in a side chair, my normally shy boy completely comfortable stripping down to his boxer briefs in front of the two of them. My mouth practically filled with saliva as I watched Josh peel his clothes off and towel himself, blotting at his rounded chest, and the ladderlike ripple of his abs. He knew I was watching, and made quite a production of bending over to swab the sweat from his legs with a towel. My eyes followed every move, every line, and every muscle, drinking him in, before Chris's fingers suddenly snapped in front of my face.
"I wouldn't have let you in if I'd known JC was going to go all softcore porno on us over there," Chris said, shaking his head. He turned to Josh, who was blushing as he reached for more clothes. "Could you please get dressed, so we can get on the bus and take this back to the hotel, where we don't all have to watch?"
"Sorry," Josh said. Before he could say anything else, the door burst open, and Justin hurried inside, flinging his arms around Joey, of all people.
"I'm sorry," Justin sobbed, as Chris hurried over to push the door closed again. "I'm sorry, Joey, I couldn't do it."
"Calm down," Joey soothed, looking helplessly at us as Justin clung to him. I felt completely baffled as Josh went for a box of tissues on the counter, and Joey pulled Justin toward a chair. No one seemed the least bit surprised at Justin coming running to Joey, or, if they were, they were more concerned about Justin being so upset. "Whatever it is, it's ok, Justin. Come sit down and tell me what's wrong."
"I'm sorry," Justin repeated. "I tried to, to be strong, and I wanted to tell him, and I, I, it's too late, Joey. It's too late."
"Tell who what?" Josh asked, handing Justin a tissue as he slumped into a chair. Chris and I stared at each other, realizing neither of us had the answers. "Justin?"
"Do you want a drink?" Joey asked, and I went for a water bottle before Justin could nod, pressing it into his shaking hand. Justin swallowed it, his eyes closed, as Joey rubbed his back. "Do you want everyone else to stay in here?"
Josh shot Joey a glare, like he was about to protest, and I put a hand on his shoulder as he knelt on the floor, passing Justin tissues. If Justin wanted us to leave, we would go, no questions asked, and Josh knew it. He just needed a little reminding.
"Nobody has to leave," Justin said quietly, swallowing, as he got himself under control. "I tried, Joey, I really tried."
"I'm sure you did," Joey said, holding his hand. The two of them had really rebuilt their friendship while none of us were looking, and while that was a great thing to see it did nothing to answer our questions. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
Justin nodded, but didn't say anything. Josh took his other hand, and Justin looked at him gratefully, his lips almost curling into a smile.
"Justin, please let us help you," Josh said. "We care about you so much, all of us. Please, just tell us what's wrong."
"I wanted, wanted to, I tried to," Justin began, still flustered and upset. I'd noticed lately that Justin had trouble articulating things sometimes, which would have been hard to imagine when I met him. Joey squeezed his hand, tugging on his arm a little.
"Why don't I bring everyone up to speed, and you calm yourself down a little more, ok?" Joey asked. Justin nodded. "You just jump back in whenever you feel like you can."
"Thank you," Justin whispered, laying his forehead against Joey's for a second. Joey turned to all of us.
"Here's the short version," Joey began, still rubbing Justin's back. Josh was doing it, too, and I was rubbing Josh's back as I stood behind him. "Justin had a horrible night trying to sleep alone in his suite last night, and by the time this morning rolled around he was having a lot of trouble. I happened to be in the hallway, and stopped to help him. I ended up spending the whole day with him, as you guys know, but Jack, you didn't. I got Justin back to sleep, got some food in him, and helped him get back on his feet to be here tonight. In the middle of that somewhere, Justin realized that I'm still his friend after all, and that I still love him."
"We noticed," Chris said, smiling. "And we like it."
"Thanks," Joey said, as Justin smiled. "We like it, too. Anyway, we were talking, and Justin explained why he was in that suite over there by himself."
"And that was?" I asked, since no one else said anything. Joey swallowed uncomfortably.
"Justin thought that, um," Joey began, clearly not wanting to speak about Justin in the third person while he sat there in front of us. "Justin thought."
"I thought I should move across the hall because of Lance," Justin said quietly, squeezing Joey's hand again. "I thought that I was hurting Lance, and I wanted him to be free, to not, I don't know, I didn't want him to be unhappy because of me, so I thought I should go."
"How would you ever make Lance unhappy?" Josh asked quietly. "Lance cares about you, Justin. He wouldn't want you to go."
"I thought he might," Justin said, shaking his head. "I didn't think he'd say it, but I thought I was keeping Lance from being happy, and I want him to be, so I thought I should go, because I don't ever want to hurt him."
"What does this have to do with tonight?" Chris asked. "What does this have to do with how upset you were just now?"
"I love Lance," Justin said, looking down. He didn't catch us all looking at each other, but none of us looked as surprised as he might have thought we would have. I'd been wondering for a while when Justin and Lance would figure out what all the rest of us kind of thought was true. "Not like a brother. I love him, and I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't think he could, Lance won't love me, so I thought I should leave, so that he could find someone else, without me hanging on him all the time."
"Um, Justin," I began, intending to tell him that Lance probably loved him, too, despite the emotional minefield that was their relationship. A look from Joey silenced me, and I wondered what else we didn't know. Why did it seem like there was always another secret?
"I told Justin to stop running away," Joey said, standing with a hand on Justin's shoulder. "I told him that he should tell Lance, and let Lance know how he feels, for better or for worse, because it's killing him to keep trying to bury this."
"So what happened?" Chris asked. "What happened when you told him?"
"I didn't," Justin answered, looking down, his eyes watering as if he might start crying again. He looked up at Joey apologetically, as if he had displeased a favorite teacher. "I wanted to, Joey. I tried to do what you said. I tried to be strong, and to fight, and I couldn't do it."
"Just tell us what happened," Joey said, rubbing his back again. "Just tell us what happened and we'll help you, Justin. We're all here for you."
"I tried to tell him, but I got nervous," Justin said. He sounded so sad. "I couldn't make the words come out, so I told him, I said I was coming to see you, to ask you something. I went to the bathroom, and got a drink, and I thought, I remembered what you said about not quitting, about fighting, and I went back to our dressing room. I started to open the door, and Chad, Chad was, Lance has a date with Chad!"
We all stared at each other as Josh handed Justin another tissue. Justin was in love with Lance? Fine. Joey thought Justin should tell him? Fine again. Another good idea. Lance had a date with Chad? What the hell? Chad? Last week Chad can't keep his hands off of Josh, and now suddenly he's dating Lance? This was why he'd been so nice in the car. He knew I'd find out about this, and he knew I'd get pissed off. I spoke without thinking, and startled us all.
"I knew we should have fired him," I blurted, and fought the urge to slap my hand over my mouth. Chris snickered, and Josh handed Justin another tissue.
To be continued.