Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I've enjoyed hearing from all of you.
That said, on with the show, and back to the story in progress.
I realized as soon as the thought crossed my mind that I was being foolish. If I were sick, I would know about it before Josh would, so he wouldn't be taking me to the hospital for that, unless he was secretly drawing my blood in the middle of the night. Honestly, though, considering how sensitive I was to all the other things he slid into me, I was pretty sure I'd feel a needle. But if he'd thought to tell Howie to assure me that it wasn't him or any of the guys, why hadn't he thought to just have him tell me whatever it was?
Maybe it was something that would piss me off, I reasoned as we drove along to the studio. That would be the only reason why Josh wanted to tell me himself. What could it be? Maybe it was some new horror that Stan had conceived, like I wasn't allowed to sleep with Josh again until I had a clean bill of health, or something. I hadn't protested much over the confidentiality agreement, but I would bitch up a storm about this. Either way, it probably wasn't worth bullying Howie over.
"Howie, I'm sorry I grabbed you back at the airport," I said.
"It's ok," Howie said. "You were just surprised. That's a hell of a grip you got there, though."
"Did I hurt your arm?" I asked, but he shook his head. "I'm sorry, Howie. You must think I'm a really horrible person. I mean, the first time you meet me I'm like, 'Hi, I don't have time for you right now,' and the second time I start manhandling you in the airport. I thought maybe Josh was hurt, or Lance."
"Jack, I said it's ok," Howie said, shaking his head, but smiling.
"So," I began, looking over at him. Howie looked cuter than his pictures when you saw him in person. "How is it that, you know, a Backstreet Boy happened to be hanging around on Nsync turf when Josh needed someone to come get me?"
Howie laughed.
"Nsync turf?" he asked, shaking his head. "What is this, 'West Side Story'?"
"You mean a tale of forbidden love?" I asked, smirking. "A touching drama about a boy from one rival family, and, well?"
Howie grinned at me.
"What exactly is it that you're asking, Jack?" Howie giggled.
"Oh, I think you know," I answered, giggling as well. I realized that I didn't know Howie that well, though. "Unless, you know, it's none of my business."
"Well, you know, Lance kind of wants to tell the guys on his own, but he said if you asked, I was supposed to tell you whatever you wanted to know," Howie answered, looking thoughtfully at me for a second. "He thinks pretty highly of you, you know. Talks about you all the time."
"I, um, think pretty highly of Lance, too," I said unsurely. I smiled. "I can't help but notice that you haven't answered my question yet, Howie. If you, um, don't want to talk about it, that's ok."
"No, no, I'm sorry," Howie said, shaking his head. "Um, yes, Lance and I are together, but we're keeping it quiet. I'm sure he's gonna tell you this when you finally talk to him, but, you know, I'm not really out, and Lance doesn't want to be right now, either. I'm out to the other Boys, you know, but I haven't told them about Lance, and I think the only one of your guys he's actually said something to is Chris."
"Josh seems to know," I said, laughing. "He mentioned that Lance hasn't been sleeping at his own place."
"I know," Howie said. "I'm sure they've all noticed that I drop Lance off in the morning, too, but nobody's said anything to him."
"I don't think they will," I said. Nobody wanted to push Lance right now.
"Yeah, he said that they've kind of been treating him with kid gloves," Howie said, and then suddenly blushed. I realized what was wrong.
"He said me, too, didn't he?" I asked. Howie didn't answer, blushing even redder. "It's ok, Howie, I know we've been a little touchy around him. Has he told you why?"
"More or less," Howie answered. "He said that somebody, um, somebody hurt him, and that you helped him through it. He said the guys all know."
I listened to what Howie said, and realized Lance hadn't told him who had done it or what it was. That wasn't my place, though. It was their relationship, and what Lance chose to share and how to share it was up to him. Honestly I was surprised Lance had opened up enough to share even that much. I guess therapy was going well.
"Howie, it's probably not my place to say this," I began, folding my hands together. "I don't know how things are between the two of you, but please, just, be gentle with him, and be patient, ok? Lance is kind of, well, fragile, for lack of a better word, at least he is right now, and I don't want him to get hurt, ok?"
"I know what you mean, Jack," Howie said, sighing. "I know how Lance is right now, and I've told him that we don't have to do anything until he's ready. We're going really slow, and I'm, um, I'm going with him to one of his appointments this week, because he asked if I would."
"He must really trust you a lot, Howie," I said.
"As much as he trusts you," Howie said, smiling. "We both want what's best for Lance, Jack."
"I think we do," I said, smiling as well. "I also think maybe that makes us friends."
"Yeah, I think it does," Howie agreed. "So, tell me all about my new friend Jack."
"I will," I began, "as long as you tell me all about my new friend Howie."
The two of us had a rather pleasant ride after that, exchanging information about ourselves and our backgrounds. Howie told me about where he'd grown up, and about how he got involved with the Backstreet Boys. I hadn't known, before, that they had toured Europe so extensively, or that they, like Nsync, shared a relationship with Lou, over which there was bad blood. I didn't know Lou's last name, as the guys only referred to him as "that bastard Lou", but I knew Josh and the guys had been through a nasty lawsuit with him, and now I learned from Howie that the Backstreet Boys had been through a similar lawsuit hell with him.
"It's actually kind of why there's been a little friction between our groups," Howie explained, steering effortlessly through traffic that would have had me quivering in terror and unable to turn the wheel. I noticed for the first time that we were riding in Lance's car. "A lot of people said that Lou started them after the suit with us, to compete."
"That's not true," I said, shaking my head, feeling the need to defend Josh and the guys. "Chris started the band, and then Lou signed them. I mean, yeah, you guys went first, but really, you know, the New Kids on the Block were here even before you, so it's not like you're crushingly original."
"Hey, hey," Howie said, holding up a hand. "No need to get all defensive. I'm not dissin' your man. Mostly that feud's just in the press, and with the fans. We actually all sort of know each other, and get on ok. We've heard enough of them to know that, you know, they're for real. Not like, you know, Lou's other creation."
"What other creation?" I asked.
"O Town," Howie answered gravely.
"Oh, yuck," I said.
The two of us looked at each other and burst into laughter. By the time we finally got to the studio, I was starting to feel like Howie and I might be pretty good friends, or at least on the way to it. He also seemed like a perfect balance for Lance, and I found myself kind of hoping that things would work out for them. I noticed as we pulled up that Josh's car wasn't in the lot, although Chris and Justin's were. Checking my watch, I saw that it was almost time for the guys to wrap up for the day, and Howie followed me inside.
Bruce looked up as we entered.
"Jack! You're back," he said. "Oh, and Mr. Dorough is with you. I was told to tell you both to go on back into the bubble, and that the guys would be out soon."
"Thanks, Bruce," I said. I turned to Howie as we walked the halls. "I see you're on the visitor list."
"Yeah, I've been by a few times," Howie said, grinning.
When we walked into the bubble, we saw all five guys in one room, singing together. The sound wasn't switched on for us, so we couldn't hear them, and they mostly had their backs to us, so Howie and I just sat and waited, watching them. Behind them, in the room on the other side, I could see a technician and Stan, who frowned when he saw me. Maybe it was a frown because he saw Howie. It was probably meant for both of us, actually, the competition and the distraction. Yeah, Howie and I were going to be fast friends. Eventually Joey saw us, nodding, and when they came to a pause he must have said something, because all five of them turned toward us, and four of them smiled.
Joey and Chris gave little waves, and Lance mouthed a "Hi" at Howie, and then waved at me. Justin saw us both and nodded before looking down and away again. Even in that small a room, he was still standing a little apart from the other four, and I wondered if he had put himself there or if the others had unconsciously moved away from him. I didn't wonder long, though, or even take much notice of Justin, because I mainly only had eyes for Josh. When he saw me his whole face lit up, his lips sliding back into an easy grin, his blue eyes sparkling. I blew him a kiss, and when he lifted his hand to the side of his face, pretending to catch it, I saw that he was still wearing my college ring. I glanced over at Howie, curious, and almost laughed. He mouthed a "Hi" back at Lance, and then the two of them blushed and looked away, grinning a little, before they looked back at each other again, and then blushed and looked away again.
The five of them jumped, and turned back toward the other side of the room, where I saw Stan speaking into a microphone. I assumed he was telling them to get back to work, because they all looked uneasily at each other, and then turned back toward the microphones, hands on their headphones.
"Sometimes they turn the sound on when I'm in here," I said, crossing my arms as I sat next to Howie on the couch closest to the windows.
"Stan won't do it if I'm here," Howie said, frowning a little.
"I hate him," I sighed, wondering why some people seemed to live just to be annoying.
"I bet," Howie said. "Lance told me about the paperwork they ambushed you with. He said JC was pissed."
"Probably still is," I said, staring at Josh's ass and thinking about how good it felt to be home.
The guys finished up a few minutes later, and then all five of them left the sound room. After a minute, we heard them in the hallway, talking about whatever they'd just been working on. They all seemed to be in good moods, as they often were when they'd been singing for a while, no matter how tiring it might have been. I even heard Justin's voice mixed in. Before we could catch more than the tiniest snatch of what they were saying, though, they came pouring into the bubble, all smiles and outstretched hands to welcome me back.
"Jack!" Joey said, crushing the wind out of my lungs in one of his famous Joey bearhugs. He stepped aside immediately, and I heard him greeting Howie.
"Hey bud," Chris said, hugging me quick and slapping me on the back as I did the same to him. He turned to say "hi" to Howie as well.
"Um, welcome back," Justin said, standing uncertainly in front of me. I held out my hand and he took it, shaking it quickly before he nodded to Howie and then turned back toward the door.
"Don't leave," Josh said quietly, walking past him.
Justin stopped by the door, watching, as Josh walked quickly toward me and flung his arms around me, spinning me in a circle as he pressed his face against the side of mine. I squeezed him back, just as tightly, laughing as he spun me, and then his face was right before me, only inches from my own. I looked into his eyes, his bright blue eyes like flowers, oceans, glistening sapphires, and then his mouth was on mine, his tongue sliding in as I welcomed it. We broke for air as I heard Chris stage coughing behind us.
"Welcome back," Josh whispered. "I missed you, and I love you."
"Ditto," I whispered back, as Josh took my hand and turned toward the others.
"Sorry for the tongue show," Josh said to the group, hugging me tightly against him. "Now that Jack is back, we want to talk to you about something."
"Jack's pregnant?" Chris asked.
"Who's the father?" Joey asked, the two of them grinning at each other.
"Shut up, I'm being serious," Josh said. "Jerks. Now be quiet."
Justin was leaning against the wall near the door, hands in his pockets, watching quietly. Joey and Chris sat off to the side, poking fingers at each other while Joey chanted, "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you," the two of them like little kids. Lance and Howie sat next to each other on one of the other couches, their knees touching as they pressed their legs to each other, but no other part of them was touching. The two of them looked so cute together, Lance so fair and light, and Howie so tanned and dark.
"You guys know that Jack went home to deal with some, well, sort of major stuff," Josh began.
"Yeah, we saw it in the paper," Joey said.
"You ok?" Chris asked.
"I'm fine," I said, waving a hand dismissively. "Please, let Josh finish."
"Thanks," Josh said, kissing my cheek quickly to a chorus of groans. "When he was there, you know I flew out to see him, too, and we, um, we had a long talk. A talk about a lot of stuff, about, you know, how much we care about each other, and how much we love each other, and how hard it is for us to, um, be apart all the time, and how much we don't like it, and, you know, stuff like that."
"OK, Josh," I said, putting a finger over his lips as he smiled. "What mumblemouth here is trying to say is trying to say is that I quit my job, packed up all my crap, and I'm moving in with Josh."
"Finally," Chris said.
"Thank God," Joey added.
"Congratulations," Justin said, smiling.
"Yeah," Lance added, standing up and hugging me.
"You, too," I whispered, so softly only he could hear, as Joey and Chris jumped up to shake Josh's hand.
I heard a sigh in the hallway, and saw Stan walking away, shaking his head. Justin followed out the door shortly after, and then Joey and Chris left, saying they had plans. Lance asked Howie to wait for him in the bubble while he went to go get changed, and Josh stopped him in the doorway.
"Lance, can you guys wait for us?" Josh asked quietly. "And then maybe give us a ride?"
"Sure," Lance answered, swallowing. Howie stared anxiously at Josh and I as Lance's gaze shifted uneasily over me and then away.
"Thanks," Josh said, taking my hand again as he turned away from Lance. "Jack, could you, um, come to my dressing room? We need to talk."
"Yeah, we do," I agreed, remembering what Howie had said when he came to pick me up.
I followed Josh down the hall to his dressing room as he held my hand, leading me. Once we were inside, he hugged me again, and kissed me. I thought that it might have been the first time we'd been in the room, actually, that we hadn't been going at each other in some sort of hot sexual tangle, but Josh was throwing off a funny vibe. He was looking away, and swallowing, and kept my hand pressed between both of his as he shifted uneasily on his feet. I sat down, and Josh knelt on the floor in front of me. Oh, this was going to be bad.
"Josh?" I asked, worried already.
"Jack, I missed you so bad the past couple days," he began, glancing down at our hands. I watched my ring glint on his finger. "And I'm sorry I wasn't at the airport to pick you up, but Howie was right there, and I know you don't want me getting yelled at by Stan anymore, so I thought you wouldn't be mad."
"I'm not mad, Josh," I said, shaking my head. His voice sounded strained, and when he looked at me his eyes were large and very wide. "Josh, Howie said something about the hospital."
"He told you?" Josh asked, his eyebrows knitting together as his face looked panicked. He squeezed my hand almost convulsively.
"No, Josh, he wouldn't," I said. "He told me that you had to, so I let it drop. Josh, is this about me? Is it something with Stan?"
"No, it's not something with Stan, but it is about you," Josh said, swallowing.
"Josh, please just tell me," I said, tilting his face back up to mine. "Josh, we promised that we were going to be honest with each other from now on, and we have. We've been talking everything through, and whatever this is, we can talk this through, too. Please, baby, just tell me."
"Jack, I'm sorry," Josh said. "I'm afraid to tell you this, because I don't know what you're going to do, and I'm afraid that this is going to hurt you."
"Josh, who are we going to see in the hospital?" I asked. "Just start there."
"Peyton," Josh answered, staring into my eyes. "Peyton Rush."
I felt the name flood over me, riding a wave crest of conflicting emotions. I hadn't spoken to Peyton since the day at the diner, when I had found out that he was my stalker, that he was the one sending me those notes and pictures. I didn't think Josh had spoken to him or seen him at all, ever. Josh and I had spoken about how I felt about Peyton, and how I thought I was over it. I was, damn it. No matter how I had felt about him at the time, when we were together, I was a different person now, and so was he. I had grown, and moved on, and he had just gotten hateful and vindictive. He had tried to hurt Josh and I, tried to hurt me by hurting Josh, and dealing with it had come between all my friends and I.
But how did Josh know about him being in the hospital?
"The staff at the hotel where he was staying found him collapsed in his room," Josh said quietly. "They keyed in because his bill is outstanding, and they thought he had left the hotel without paying. They took him to the emergency room."
"Josh, how do you know this?" I asked.
"He, um, he left your name, and the number at the studio here," Josh said. "He had it in his wallet, on a note that said to call you in the event of an emergency. Stacy took the message, and passed it on to me."
"Why would he leave my name?" I asked, shaking my head. "Why would he have a note that said to call me?"
"Jack, I don't think he has anyone else," Josh answered. "And he's out of money. He's completely broke, and he's been unemployed for a while. He has no health insurance, no way to pay for any of this, and they were keeping him at the county hospital. I had Stacy try to get hold of Basil Morgan, to ask about it, since I thought maybe Basil was paying Peyton's bills. I told Stacy not to let him know who she was, to pretend she was from the hospital, but Basil said he had no idea who he was. He, um, he got really indignant, and hung up the phone, the prick."
"Josh?" I asked. He almost never swore, unless he was upset.
"Jack, he knows about Peyton!" Josh said angrily. "He knows that he's sick, and that he has no one out here, and he pretended not to know him. I can't believe anyone can be that, that callous."
"Josh," I said, unable to find any other words. I wrapped my arms around him, holding his head against my chest. I stroked his hair, and felt him sigh against me.
"Jack, there's more," Josh said quietly. He leaned back again, so that he was looking at me. He wasn't crying, but his face looked anguished, and I caressed the sides of it with my hands as he held his hands on top of them. "The doctor says that Peyton is dying, Jack. They contacted his hospital at home, and they didn't know he had traveled. They said it wasn't even safe for him to have done that, and that he can't be put on a plane and sent back."
I stared at Josh. I knew Peyton was dying, but not that he was dying right now. I felt cold inside, but didn't know why.
"Jack, he's sinking fast," Josh said. "They don't think he's going to make it through the rest of the week. The cancer is all through him, even into his brain, and they said it's only a matter of time before he just collapses. They're not sure how he's holding on now, but he's still awake and conscious. Right now he's in a private room, but there isn't anything they can do besides make him comfortable."
"Josh, when did all of this happen?" I asked. "Why didn't you tell me any of this? Why didn't you call me?"
"It just happened yesterday," Josh said. "I need to tell you something else, too, and then we need to decide what to do."
"Why are we deciding, Josh?" I asked. If Peyton was conscious, he was capable of making his own decisions.
"Because we're paying, Jack," Josh answered. I felt the room spin around me, and Josh squeezed my hands again, reading my face, hearing my sharp intake of breath. "I paid Peyton's hotel bill, and I paid to have him moved to the private room. I'm paying for everything right now."
"Josh, why?" I asked, standing. I needed to move, needed to stretch my legs, but the room was tiny. There was nowhere to go. "Josh, after what he did, what he tried to do? Why are you helping him?"
"Jack, he's dying, and he doesn't have anyone else," Josh said, reaching out for me. I stepped into his arms, trying to understand. "Since I met you, since we started being together, I've tried to understand what I did to deserve you, who I had to thank for bringing you into my life, and I've been trying to find a way, any way, to give something back. Jack, what kind of person would I be if I turned my back on someone who needed help? We've talked so many times about forgiving each other for things, about forgiving Justin, and here's a chance to be the people we say we are."
"Couldn't you just give some money to the SPCA?" I asked, smiling. Josh smiled along with me.
"Jack, he left your name," Josh said. "Maybe, I don't know, maybe he's reaching out to you. Maybe he doesn't want to die with things still unresolved between the two of you after all this time. I know you said you're over him, and that you've put all that behind you, but you also told me that you missed your friend. You told me that it wasn't just a bad relationship, it was the loss of someone you had shared so much with. Maybe this is your chance, your last chance, to finally bury that feeling, too."
"So you think I should see him?" I asked.
"I think he's holding on because he's waiting for you," Josh answered. "I'm not telling you what to do, Jack, but this is your last chance. If there's anything else you wish you'd said, this is the only time you're going to have."
I thought about it for a minute, thought about how much I loved Josh, and how much he loved me. He must love me to go through this. I knew that Josh was afraid that, deep down, I was still in love with Peyton, that I still wished things had worked out between us, because he told me that. I couldn't imagine what kind of strength it took for him to do this, to reach out to the person who had tried to hurt us the most, who had only acted toward us with malice. It must have been so hard for him to extend a hand to Peyton.
"Josh, I love you so much," I said, and felt him squeeze me tightly. "I love you for always trying to be the better person, and I love you for how strong you are, how brave you always are, and how you don't take the easy way out if you think something is right. I'm not mad that you did this, Josh. I'm stunned, because I'm so proud of you I don't even have the words to express it. You're just amazing."
"I love you, too, Jack," Josh answered. We stood for a minute, holding onto each other, and then Josh spoke, softly, against my neck. "What do you want to do?"
"Why don't you get changed, and then we'll go to the hospital," I suggested.
"OK," Josh said.
He got changed quickly, and then we rejoined Lance and Howie in the bubble. The two of them looked up from their couch at us, both anxious, but they both noticed out locked hands and seemed a little settled. We piled into Lance's car and drove in silence to the hospital, Josh and I holding hands in the backseat. I wasn't sure what I was feeling. Everything inside of me was just twisted together, and I felt coldly hollow. I couldn't imagine what Peyton would have to say to me, or how I would find any words to speak to him. No one I knew had ever died before, especially not someone who I.
Who I what?
Had loved once? Used to love? Someone who hurt me? Someone who tried to hurt Josh and I both?
We parked the car and went straight to his floor. Josh checked us in at the nurses station, and he, Lance, and Howie said that they'd wait for me in the lounge.
"I'll be right here," Josh said. "If you need me. I love you."
"I love you, too," I answered, kissing him.
I walked slowly down the hall to the last room, knocked once, and then pushed open the door.
More to come soon.