Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
Back to the story in progress.
Jack
We finally got Lance calmed down, or at least got the tears down to a trickle, around the same time that the order from room service arrived. Vlada had picked out a bunch of snacks, a lot of soda, and big pots of coffee and tea. As the staff wheeled the two carts in, leaving them by the door where she directed, I wanted to hug her. Instead my desire for caffeine won out, and I raced over for a cup of coffee, pouring a cup of hot water for Josh with my other hand, so that I could bring some tea over to the couch where he was sitting with Lance.
"Thanks, babe," Josh sighed, taking the cup from me. He stood up, and we walked over to the bedroom as Chris slid into Josh's place, holding out a cup of tea for Lance. We kept asking if he needed anything, but he kept saying no. "How are you holding up?"
"OK, I guess," I answered, keeping my voice low as well. Lance was quietly walking the others through every beating Howie had given him, pouring it all out in a detached voice, oblivious to our looks of horror.
"You look kind of tired," Josh said, kissing my forehead as I leaned against him. "Maybe we'll see about getting Lance to bed, and then we can go home."
Josh and I were both running more or less on empty. Once we'd finally left my parents' house, things had really started to sink in on the plane back. We talked a lot as we zipped back over the country, but the trip had been very emotionally draining for us both, and I think we just needed some time to soak in each other and recharge our batteries. As I thought more and more about the envelope my mother had given me, I felt more and more lost. I still didn't know for sure how I felt about that. On the one hand, I felt like it answered so many questions about the way my mother and my father treated us, but on the other hand it left me feeling oddly rootless, as if there was nowhere that I belonged. I knew that I still had Josh, and that his family would be happy to pull me in, since they already had, but I felt like my foundation was gone, like I'd just sprung up whole from nowhere. My name wasn't even really mine.
By the time the plane landed, I didn't want to do anything but be alone with Josh, because I knew that he, at least, loved me. No one else had ever been so completely honest with me, or so forgiving of anything I ever did. Sure, Josh had made a few impulsive mistakes, too, but he needed me as much as I needed him, and he had also been my rock these past few weeks. I wouldn't have been able to get through my ordeal and recovery without him, although I wouldn't have gone through it if I hadn't been with him. Whenever I felt weak, like I just couldn't keep doing this, Josh was there to hold me up until I could stand on my own. Right now, more than anything, I just wanted to lean on Josh, and I knew every time he looked at Lance that he just wanted to lean on me, too.
Of course, we didn't get that personal time that we needed, not really. After Justin had picked us up and driven us back, we had undressed, and then just stripped down and laid in bed with the stereo on, holding each other. Josh had spooned up against my back, wrapping his strong, soft arms around me, holding me against him. Our heads shared the same pillow, his nose nuzzling the back of my neck, and we were both breathing slowly and contentedly as bluesy piano drifted in from the living room. I felt Josh's abs against my back, and the soft points of his nipples brushing my shoulders, and his hands were on my chest, flattened over my pecs as he held me against him, but neither of us were hard. We weren't thinking about sex yet.
And then the phone rang, and we'd ended up over here.
"How are you doing, Josh?" I asked, glancing out into the living room to make sure nothing had changed while we were in the bedroom. "Are you ok?"
"I'm going to need to rest soon, too," Josh said, shaking his head. "Jack, how could this have happened? How could Howie have done this to Lance, and none of us known?"
"I don't know, Josh," I said. "I mean, we both had that feeling that something was going on, but we didn't listen to it."
"I know," he said, hugging me so fiercely suddenly that I almost spilled my coffee. "Jack, I'll never hurt you, never, not like that and not any other way, either."
"Josh, I know," I said, holding him. This was hitting him pretty hard, and he was already so worn down from the trip away. I was more concerned about getting Josh out of here and to bed than I was about myself. "I know you'd never hurt me, and I'll never hurt you, either, I promise. I wouldn't have made it through any of this without you, Josh."
"And I won't make it through without you, either," he whispered. When he pulled back from me, I saw that his eyes were wet, and I carefully kissed each of his eyelids.
"I love you," I said, smiling in the hope that he would, too. "Let's go back to Lance now, ok?"
"OK," he whispered, rewarding me with a small grin. "I love you, too."
We walked back out, and things finally seemed to be settling down. Lance was explaining to Joey, Chris, and Vlada that he didn't want to go to the hospital to get checked out, and that he was fine, just a little bruised. When we walked back in from the bedroom Lance looked up at me from the couch, and his green eyes filled up with tears again.
"Jack, I'm sorry," he began again. "I'm sorry I lied to you."
"Stop apologizing," I said, holding out my arms. He got up and came over to hug me. I hugged him lightly, worried about squeezing too hard. "How do you feel?"
"I don't know," he answered honestly. "Part of me wants Howie to walk in right now, but part of me is afraid that he actually will. I think, I think I need to go get some help again, Jack."
"I think that's a good idea," I said, nodding. "You know we're here for you, Lance. Anything you need to tell us, just let it out."
"I know," he said, wiping at his eyes. Vlada appeared from behind him, holding out the tissue box again, and Lance took one gratefully, nodding at her. Lance turned back to everyone. "I'm sorry you're all over here. I didn't mean to ruin your night."
"Lance, don't even think that," Chris said as the others nodded. "You're more important. We'll stay here as long as you need us to."
"Thank you," Lance said, starting to sob again. "Because I, I don't want to be alone right now."
Lance began to sob, and everyone was up to hug him again. As everyone held onto him, I began to think about the person who wasn't here. How did Justin feel right now? I was disappointed in him, but I could see when he tried to explain to us that he really thought he was doing the right thing. He really thought what he had done, and put Nick up to doing, was for the best. He hadn't wanted to hurt anyone, but, being Justin, he hadn't been able to think of any better ways once, as Lance had explained, he'd tried to make Lance break out of this on his own, and had failed. Last time Justin had played head games with Lance, it had been to deliberately hurt him, to punish him for hurting Josh, but this time he really had been trying to help, and I realized that, despite what everyone else said, Justin should be here, too.
"Lance, will you be ok if I, um, step out for a bit?" I asked. Josh glanced at me uncertainly as Lance nodded.
"Where are you going?" Josh asked, and I decided not to lie, even though I knew the room wouldn't take my answer well.
"I'm going to check on Justin," I said levelly, as if it was nothing. "He looked petty upset when he left, and I want to make sure he's ok, too."
Josh nodded, but Joey glared at me angrily.
"I don't care if he's ok," Joey barked harshly, stepping toward me. "I don't see how you can, either. I thought you were Lance's friend."
"I am Lance's friend," I asserted, planting my feet firmly on the floor, staring into Joey's blazing eyes. I refused to back down. "I'm Justin's friend, too. Look, Joey, I know how you feel right now."
"You have no idea how I feel," Joey said, his voice tight. "If you did, you wouldn't be leaving Lance when he needs you to go see Justin."
"Back off, Joey," Josh said, trying to separate us, trying to protect me. Neither of us looked at him, unwilling to break our unblinking contact.
"Maybe if you let me finish, you'd understand a little better," I said coldly. "As I was saying, I know how you feel, because I don't like what Justin did, either. I think he could have handled things better, but all he really wanted to do was help Lance. Maybe he didn't go about it the best way, but I also think that Justin was scared, and kind of alone. Maybe if you'd been as concerned about being here for Justin, he would have come to you about Lance."
"Jack, Justin didn't want us to help him," Chris said, crossing his arms as Joey and I continued our face off in the middle of the living room.
"We should have tried harder," I said. "All of us. Just like we should have tried harder to help you, Lance. I'm finding it really hard to be mad at Justin, because I'm just as mad at myself."
"Justin knew," Joey said. I realized even as I said it that Joey was mad at Justin because it was easier than blaming himself. I wasn't letting Justin be the scapegoat on this one, though. "We didn't."
"We should have," I countered. "All the signs were there, and none of us wanted to look at them. At least Justin did something, even if it was something stupid. He tried to help his friend. None of us did."
"His friend? He tried to help his friend?" Joey asked. I felt Josh's hand on my arm, but knew that he was torn, too. There wasn't an easy side to take in this argument. "Justin doesn't know what a friend is, Jack. Friends don't play mind games with each other, not even to help them."
"Why can't you even stop to entertain the thought that maybe Justin doesn't know any other way to deal with problems?" I demanded, my voice rising.
"Why do you always make excuses for him?" Joey countered.
"Why don't you?" I asked. "When I met Josh, all he told me about you guys was how you were a family, how you were all his brothers, and then when I came out here it's all anyone else said, too. I've seen you pull together for Josh, and Lance, and even me. Why can't you treat Justin like that?"
"Because that's not the way he treats us," Joey said harshly. "The things he's done to Lance."
"Are things that Lance forgave him for," I countered. "I haven't heard Lance bring that up once."
"That's all done with," Lance said quietly, as Joey and I finally broke the staredown to glance at him. "Justin was sorry for that, really sorry, even if none of you really believed it."
"Lance, you're upset," Joey began.
"Don't tell me how I feel," Lance said, shaking his head. He stepped away from Joey, and I felt Josh's hand tighten a little on my arm. "Jack, if you want to go check on Justin, go. I can't say that what he did, and had Nick do, doesn't hurt, but when you see Justin, tell him, well, tell him I, I understand."
Lance began crying again, turning away, and Chris hugged him, leading him to the couch. Joey was still sneering at me, but a lot of the fire had been taken out of him thanks to Lance, the actual victim.
"Satisfied?" I asked, waiting.
"Jack, I think you're in for a nasty surprise," Joey said finally, stepping back. "You keep believing that Justin always means well, and isn't mostly out for himself, and someday you're going to find out that he's not. We all know it, and we've all tried to like him for what else is there, but deep down, Justin is selfish, and he always will be."
"But Jack's not," Josh said quietly, hugging me from the side, but looking at Joey. "And that's why I love him. Because he always hopes for the best, but plans for the worst."
I walked over to the door, Josh trailing behind me.
"Does anyone want to come with me?" I asked, looking around the room. No one would meet my eyes, and I remembered how none of us would meet Justin's when he left, either. I thought of the hurt I'd seen in his blue eyes, the confusion and pain, and I knew I couldn't leave him alone. Josh glanced away, but then his blue eyes met mine, and I could see how tired, and concerned, and conflicted he was.
"Jack, I don't know if I can talk to him right now," Josh said finally, as everyone else pretended to be very interested in other things that kept them from looking at me. "In the morning, maybe, but right now I just don't know what I'd say."
"That's ok, babe," I said, kissing him quickly on the lips. His lips were firm, but just yielding enough. "I'll be back as soon as I check on him, and then maybe we can call this a night, unless Lance still needs us."
"OK," Josh answered. He held out his arms to hug me, and when I leaned in he whispered in my ear, his soft short beard scraping against my cheek. "We're going to talk to him about maybe pressing charges. I don't think he'll go for it, since he'd have to be out for that, but maybe he will."
"Good luck," I said, wondering if maybe there was a way for us to deal with Howie ourselves. I pushed the thought away, and walked out, heading for Justin's bungalow, praying I wouldn't interrupt some sort of orgy involving Nick and any number of hotel staff.
As I walked up the short sidewalk, warning bells immediately started going off in my head. Justin's door was open, not all the way, but partially. The guys might leave their doors unlocked when they were home, drifting in and out of each other's houses and apartments, but even then they kept the doors closed. They were almost fanatical about it, always worrying that some photographer might walk by and catch them at a bad time. I pushed the door the rest of the way open, feeling my heart start to hammer as I glanced around the front room. The coffee table was shoved to the side, as well as the couch, and there was a spill of magazines on the floor. The bathroom door stood open, the bathroom dark, and the bedroom door was open as well, but no lights were on there, either. The only light in the living room was from one of the table lamps, but it was lying on its side on the floor. My chest felt tight, and I groped in my pocket for my cell phone as I walked slowly inside, looking around.
"Justin? Nick?" I called, but even as I heard my voice I realized it sounded low, and weak, a lot softer than I intended. I tried again, but it still just squeaked out as my pulse thumped loudly in my ears. "Justin?"
I walked over toward the bedroom door, and down at the bottom of the frame, near the floor, I saw a red streak. Bile rose up in my throat, and I felt dizzy as I stepped into the bedroom, the walls seeming very close suddenly. I was starting to go into a panic attack, another one, and I tried frantically to slow things down, to think of Josh, or at least to hold out long enough to find out what had happened here. Where was Justin? Or Nick? I heard a noise from the opened closet, and flicked on the light switch, the room graying around the edges.
"No!" Justin yelped, pulling himself up against the back wall of the closet. His face was buried under his arm, and he was curled up in a ball under the hanging shirts. I noticed that his other hand was grabbing frantically at the waistband of his shorts, holding them up, and he wouldn't look at me. "No! Please no!"
"Justin?" I asked, still feeling dizzy. I fumbled the phone out, finally, needing Josh. "Justin, it's Jack."
"Jack?" Justin asked, his voice shaking. He looked up at me, and I saw that his eyes were bulging from his face, huge and blue and afraid. I rushed over to the closet, dropping down to my knees, and Justin grabbed me, pulling himself tightly against me. "Jack, is he, did he, Jack, did he leave? I don't want him to come back. I don't, I don't, I didn't want it, Jack."
"Justin, I don't understand," I said, shaking my head. I felt panic surge up again, the room taking a slow spin, and I fought it back down as sweat broke out on my forehead. Justin needed me, and I had to fight to stay here with him. I felt part of myself slipping back into the basement, into the tiny room with the white walls and the hanging bulb, but I couldn't let it happen. "Justin, no one is here but me. What happened to you? I saw blood."
"I'm bleeding," Justin whispered, his voice rising to a breathless soprano. He was breathing so hard I almost couldn't hear him, his voice was so high and squeaking. "Jack, I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding in my, I'm, down there."
As he said the last part Justin's face broke, the features seeming to just slide apart as he burst into tears, and he pressed his face against my chest, his hands clutching at my shoulders. I held him tight, wondering what the hell had happened.
"Justin, I'm going to call Josh, ok?" I asked. "We're going to help you, ok? We'll help you."
"No!" Justin said, looking up at me. The thought that burst absurdly into my mind was that he looked young. His face was completely blank, except for the tears gushing from his eyes. "Josh is, he's disappointed, he won't, he won't understand. I don't want him to see me."
"Josh loves you, Justin," I said. "He's not mad at you, I promise. Justin, I can't, I can't help you by myself. I'm not strong enough right now. I want to, but I can't without Josh. Please, Justin, please let me call him. He loves you, Justin. Please let us help you."
It killed me to tell have to tell Justin that I couldn't help him by myself. I had to spit the words out, feeling them tumble away like pieces of broken glass as I realized that I was about to fail him. He needed me, and I wasn't strong enough. Justin swallowed, his breath catching as he hitched another sob in.
"Not mad?" he asked, and I shook my head. "Call him. Please, Jack, please help me."
I thumbed Josh's number on my phone, waiting for him to answer. I could see them all in the bungalow, watching him, glancing at his pocket as it rang. I felt my heart hammering again, and the room seemed to wash out slowly. I grabbed Justin, squeezing him more tightly against me as he sobbed, and used him to pull me back. I needed to stay here, in this moment. Justin, whatever had happened to him, needed me. Another voice in my head whispered that I knew exactly what had happened to Justin, but I was just incapable of processing any more. It was all just too much, and my brain wouldn't let one more disaster in.
"Jack?" Josh asked, and I could hear the others talking behind him.
"Josh, please come over here, right now," I blurted, the words flying out of my mouth. "I'm over at Justin's, and we need you here, please! Bring the car keys, because we have to go to the hospital. Justin's bleeding."
"Bleeding?" Josh blurted. I bet he had everyone's attention now.
"Josh, please!" I almost screamed, as Justin clutched my shoulders painfully, shrieking against my chest. "Josh, we need you. Please hurry."
"OK, I'm on my way," Josh said quickly, and I could hear a door opening even as he said it. "Hold on, Jack. I love you."
"I know," I said, struggling now. Justin's near hysteria was starting to fuel mine, kicking my panic attack back into gear. I dropped the phone so that I could hold onto Justin better, since I couldn't think of anything else that might calm him down. "Justin, please calm down. Please."
"Jack, it hurt," he wailed, trembling against me. "It hurt, it hurt so much, and I didn't want it, I didn't want him to."
"He's gone, Justin, he's gone," I said, closing my eyes. I needed to shut all of this out. "Justin, what happened?"
"Nick!" he blurted, his voice still that high soprano whisper. I realized that his voice sounded raw, like he'd been screaming, and as soon as I thought that, I also realized that he had been. "He, he, held me down."
"It's ok, Justin, it's ok," I said, holding him against my chest. "It's over now, it's over."
I started trying to gently tug him out of the closet, knowing that Josh would be here any second, but Justin struggled against me, going rigid, so I stopped, and just rocked him back and forth. It always seemed to work on me when Josh did it.
"Justin, Nick hurt you?" I asked. Nick? But they had something going on that was purely based on sex. Why would Nick do this? "Why?"
"Because I promised," Justin wailed, screaming again. I was sorry I asked, but the words just spilled out of him, as if something had broken inside. I heard the door at the front of the bungalow squeak, and knew that it was Josh. "I told him that he could have me if he, if he, fucked Howie, so he did. It was the only way, and I didn't have anything else, anything he wanted. I just wanted to help Lance, Jack, that's all, I just wanted to help Lance. And then, then, tonight, I, everyone yelled at me. I did a bad thing, Jack. I was bad."
"Justin, no," I said, feeling my eyes water. "No one's mad at you, Justin."
I looked up and saw Josh standing frozen in the doorway of the bedroom, his hand over his mouth as he stared at us in shock, but Justin hadn't seen him yet.
"I just wanted to help Lance!" Justin screamed again, his eyes squeezed tightly closed. "I didn't want to hurt him, and I did, and I didn't mean to. Everyone, everyone got mad at me, and I came back, and Nick, he said, he said I was trash. He said I was just like him, and, and that I didn't want to help Lance at all, and I did. I just, I didn't have anything else, anything Nick wanted, but after he, after he was so mean, I didn't want him to have me, I didn't. Nick wanted, he wanted what I promised, but I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want it Jack! I didn't want it, and he, he pushed me down, and he held my arms! I screamed, and I screamed, but he held me down, and he pulled down my shorts, and it hurt! It hurt, Jack, it hurt so much."
"Justin, oh, God, Justin," Josh said, dropping down beside us, tears streaming down his cheeks. Josh held out his arms, wrapping them around Justin as I slid mine away, and whatever strength Justin had found to scream all of that to me drained out of him. He slumped against Josh weakly, sobbing.
"I just wanted to help Lance," Justin sobbed against Josh's chest. Josh stood, his arms bulging, as he lifted Justin off of the floor. Justin clung to him.
"I know, I know," Josh said, looking past Justin at me as I wiped at my eyes with my arm and pulled myself to my feet. "And you did help Lance, Justin, you did. He's gonna be ok, and Jack and I are gonna take you to the hospital, ok? We're gonna take care of you, Curly, just like I used to, ok? Everything'll be like it was."
"It hurt, Josh, it hurt," Justin sobbed.
"I know," Josh said, kissing his forehead.
I snatched my phone off of the floor and followed Josh as he carried Justin into the main room. When we got there, Josh kept going, but I stopped dead, looking around at Lance, Joey, Chris, and Vlada. Vlada was crying against Chris's shoulder as he held onto her, and Lance was looking around the room with his eyes wide open, dazed. I realized that all of them had heard everything Justin had just screamed to me. Joey glanced up at me as Josh carried Justin through the front door, heading for the car, and I felt anger rise up in me again. The words flew out of my mouth before I could think of stopping them.
"Happy now?" I demanded, stepping toward him. "Tell me again how selfish Justin is."
"Shut up," Joey said, glaring at me.
"Tell me again who doesn't know what a friend is, Joey!" I snapped, wanting to slap him for everything he'd said earlier.
"Shut up!" Joey barked again, leaning toward me and I saw that his eyes were watering.
Suddenly Lance was between us.
"Stop it," he said quietly.
"I'm going with Josh and Justin," I said, stalking away. "You do whatever the hell you want."
The four of them ended up following us in Chris's jeep. I sat in the back of Josh's car with Justin, holding onto him, as Josh sped to the emergency room. I knew that he wanted to be back here, but we had the Jag, and I still hadn't learned how to drive it. When we got there, Justin didn't want to let go of Josh. Josh didn't want to let go of me, but I told him to stay with Justin, who needed him more right now. Josh was starting to look close to breaking, but he was holding it together for Justin. I realized that I had managed to fight off a panic attack, and that I wasn't going to break after all. I'd have to be sure to tell my fucking shrink all about this new breakthrough I'd made, I thought bitterly.
Chris was on the phone with Johnny the entire time we were at the hospital, speaking urgently in a low voice off in the corner of the waiting area, getting the publicity machine going on whatever cover story we would concoct this time. Vlada went to go find us some coffee, blotting at her eyes with a tissue. It was the first time I'd ever seen her with her makeup running, and I smiled as I watched her walk down the hall, absurdly out of place in her high heeled boots and leather pants. Lance was standing as close as he could to the doors that led to the back, watching urgently for any sign of them. The nurses had given up on asking him to please go sit back down as he stood wringing his hands. Joey and I were left staring at each other across a sea of chairs.
"I was wrong, ok?" Joey blurted finally, getting up to sit by me. "I was wrong."
"I was too," I replied, staring down at my hands. "What I said before, Joey, I was angry. It was out of line, and uncalled for. I'm sorry. I just, I couldn't help him, not by myself, not without Josh."
The two of us sighed, and then Joey draped an arm around my shoulders.
"You did the best you could," he said, and I leaned against him. "I know you're not used to leaning on the rest of us, but maybe you should try it a little more. You look worn out."
"I am," I sighed. We sat like that for a while, Joey only letting go when Vlada finally appeared with a tray of cups.
"Zere ees cream und zshugar in ze middle," she said quietly.
"Thanks," we both said. Chris drifted over to grab a cup, and Vlada carried one over to Lance.
"I hate Nick," Joey said finally, scowling.
"I think we should kill him," I said, almost meaning it.
"With baseball bats," Joey said.
"Bats with nails in them," I continued.
"I'll drive," Joey added.
"Shotgun," Chris said, sliding into the seat across from us. The three of us looked at each other and sighed, unable to even summon a smile to go with this weak attempt at humor. The doors squeaked, and we looked up to see Josh walking alongside a nurse who was pushing Justin along in a wheelchair. Justin looked groggy, and Josh looked incredibly strained, his eyes red and his arms trembling.
"We're going to take Justin home now," he said, his voice shaking.
"I don't want to go back there," Justin said, shaking his head.
"You can stay with us," I said, dropping down beside him so that he could see my face. "You can stay with Josh and me."
Justin shook his head.
"I don't want to get in between you two," he said. "I've caused you guys enough trouble. I don't, I don't want to be a burden on you."
"Justin, you're not a burden," Josh said, patting his shoulder as the nurse wheeled him to the doors.
"You can stay with me," Lance said, leaning over to offer him a hand out of the chair. Justin blinked at him in surprise. "You helped me, and I want to help you, Justin, if you'll let me. I, well, I kind of know what you're going through, and I don't want you to go through it by yourself."
Justin swallowed, his eyes filling up with tears again.
"OK," he said, throwing his arms around Lance. Lance winced a little, but didn't let go.
"You guys can ride with us," Josh said, and I took his hand, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. He sighed, and kissed me back.
We dropped Justin and Lance off, instructing both of them to call us if they needed anything, and Joey and Chris told them the same thing. Josh and I bid everyone else a good night, and walked back to the bungalow. We went straight to the bedroom and started to get undressed again on our opposite sides of the bed. I looked up when Josh paused, and raced around the bed to hug him as I saw that he was crying. I wrapped my arms around him, cradling him against my chest.
"I'm here, Josh," I whispered, holding him. His arms slid up and down my back.
"Why, Jack?" he asked quietly. "Why can't I help any of the people I love?"
"What?" I asked, surprised. "Josh, you do help us. You help us by loving us."
"But I can't protect you," he whispered. "I can't protect any of you. I couldn't help you, or Lance, or Justin. Why can't I protect any of you, Jack?"
"I don't know, Josh," I answered. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
To be continued.