This story is a work of fiction. I do not claim to know Jesse McCartney (although I wish I did ;-D), nor do I know about his sexual preference (ditto). This story will contain some sexual content, and is about a relationship between two men. If this offends you, then I suggest you use that handy close button on your window. If it's illegal for you to be reading this, well then you shouldn't be here either, but you probably already knew that :-P.
And again, big thanks to Kyle, Ty and Wes, and Becky for proofreading and critiquing the chapters!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Jesse and Nate: Chapter 13
The next morning, I woke up in Jesse's arms, and felt like I should be content, I should be happy and satisfied that I was with Jesse, that he came all the way to be with me and to comfort me.
I should have, but I didn't.
The thought of Kirsten in her hospital bed, tubes and wires poking out of her gown in what seemed like a hundred different places completely blotted out any good feeling I had for the previous night. It even made me frustrated at Jesse for taking me away from the hospital. I knew that it wasn't exactly logical or rational, but I couldn't help the feeling that I just wanted to leave Jesse there and run out to be with Kirsten, that being with Jesse didn't matter at all compared to that, and it didn't matter how hurt he might get.
Still, I looked over at Jesse, sleeping and at peace, and knew that I couldn't just leave, knew that it would hurt him, especially after last night and everything he did for me. I took a deep breath and pushed all those thoughts out of my head, and then got up to make us some breakfast so we could quickly get back to the hospital.
Kirsten was still pretty out of it. She was on a lot of pain medication, and what she said came out mostly came out in mumbles, and what didn't...just wasn't Kirsten. It was so disconcerting, so painful, so...scary, to see Kirsten like this. Normally she would be cracking jokes left and right, making everyone feel amazing about themselves and having a great time. She was the one you go to feel better about yourself, to breathe new life into yourself. Now, she was almost lifeless.
I sat down next to her bed, and her eyes fluttered open. "Hey there!" I said.
"Hey, Nate," she whispered, a strange, almost druggy smile playing across her face.
"How're you doing? Anything I can do?"
"Nooo, I'm fine," she replied. "I'm on lots of pain meds!"
"Oh, um, that's good..." came my answer, not sure of what to say.
"Hi," she said, looking behind me, then mumbled something that sounded like "that Jesse?"
"Yeah, it's me, hey Kirst," he said in a mock-pleasant voice, but I could tell he didn't really know what to make of this either.
"Wha..ding...glasses?" she mumbled, a perplexed look on her face. I guess she was trying to say "what are ou doing in those sunglasses?"
"Well I don't want anyone recognizing me, remember?"
"Oh yeah," she murmured, and got quiet for a few minutes.
I looked around her room. It was pretty nice, for a hospital room. She lucked out and didn't have anyone else to share it with, so we didn't have to watch what we said or how loud we said it. It had a decent view of the city, and we could actually see the East River, which was cool. There were flowers, some pictures, and a flat panel TV, and nicely painted walls to brighten what would otherwise be a very drab, depressing space.
Just then, the nurse came in. She looked pleasant enough. "Hi, I'm Leslie, I'm going to be Kirsten's weekday-time nurse while she's here."
"Hi, I'm Nate, this is Jesse." He waved, but kept his face turned toward the window and low under his hat.
"Nice to meet you," she told us as she looked over Kirsten's monitors, asked her questions, and wrote down stuff in her chart. "I'm just checking if Kirsten needs anything, but if I can help you, as well, please ask."
"Well, actually, I noticed that Kirsten's pretty out of it, not making much sense..."
"Yes, that's because of her pain medications."
"Yeah, I figured. I was just wondering how long she's going to be needing to be on them."
"Well, we're going on a day-by-day basis..." she started to say.
"Yes, but typically...?"
"Typically on a case like this, we're able to decrease the dosage every two days or so, but as I said, we take it day-by-day and case-by-case."
"Okay, I see, thank you."
"No problem at all. Anything else?"
I started to say no, but then stopped. "Oh, yeah, is there any chance I could speak to her doctor?"
"Actually, she's doing her rounds right now, and should be here shortly."
"Great, thanks."
"Your welcome," and with that and a one last smile to Kirsten, she left the room.
A little while later, Dr. Mason came in at the same time as Kyle and Brian. She told us basically the same thing as the day before, that Kirsten was doing relatively well, and added that they tested the biopsy and were confident that they got all of it, but would need to do some chemotherapy just to be safe.
After Dr. Mason left, everyone was looking pretty depressed, except of course for Kirsten who had the same slightly amused look that she had all morning. I figured that this being Kirst, she'd be almost mad at us if we left this kind of situation go without at least some fun coming out of it, especially if it'd get everyone out of their funk for a bit. I looked over at Kyle and caught his eye.
"So, any of you know how to translate anything a gay'll say in a relationship?" I asked.
"Oh yeah, I know about that," Kyle said with a knowing smile, while Jesse, Brian, and Kirsten looked at us with puzzled but amused expressions.
"Like if a guy says 'I really want to get to know you better'? Means 'I'm sick of masturbation.'" Jesse and Brian chuckled, but Kirsten started cracking up, like I knew she would. That just made the rest of us start to chuckle even more.
"And if he says 'Haven't I seen you before,'" Kyle said, "what he means is 'you've got a hot ass!'"
"'You're the only man I've ever cared about', that means 'you're the only man who hasn't rejected me.'"
"Oh yeah," Kyle said, laughing now, but more from how much Kirsten was cracking up than the jokes. "And if a friend ever tells you 'Yeah, he's not my type,' all that means is 'Yeah, he won't sleep with me,'" he finished with a snort.
"And don't believe him if you're guy tells you 'I missed you so much!'" I said, 'what he's really saying is 'My balls've been getting so blue my DOG'S starting to look good!'"
"Wait a second, Nate," Jesse said, laughing, "you tell me that every time you see me!" making everyone laugh more. Kirsten was laughing so hard that she was snorting through her fingers.
I rolled my eyes, but continued, "and when you hear 'Do you love me,' it means..." I trailed off as someone clear his throat behind me, and everyone immediately stopped laughing, staring at something behind me.
"Making light of serious circumstances, I see, Nathan," I heard a cold, familiar voice say behind me. "You haven't changed at all."
I turned around to see Kirsten's parents standing in the doorway, glaring at me with a look of utter disgust. I felt my pulse immediately quicken, my fists clench at my sides at the sight of them. I bit back the curt retort that was ready to fly off my tongue and simply said through gritted teeth, "Mr. Robinson, Mrs. Robinson," nodding at each of them. "What are you doing here?"
"I think we have a right to visit our hospitalized daughter."
"Not when she doesn't want you to!"
"Of course she does. We are her parents!" he replied.
"I think that you gave up that title when you kicked her out of your house."
"And I don't think that you are one to pass judgment on a person's character. Still keeping up your filthy habits, I see," he glanced at Jesse, "and you, as well, Kyle," he said the name with as much disgust in his voice as her could muster.
"How did you find out, anyway," Kyle asked, anger in his face and voice, but some fear, too. Kirsten's father was very imposing, and still unsettled us even after all these years. I was too angry to care about it though.
Mrs. Robinson answered. "Dear Dr. James, an old friend from the country club, saw Kirsten's name on the board and of course told us. To think that we had to find out our daughter's condition in such a way," she shuddered, looking shocked.
"I'm not your daughter," Kirsten broke in, in a remarkably clear voice, considering. I looked at her and saw the strain on her face, the pain the concentration was causing as she fought to stay clear. "Like Nate said, you gave up the right to call me that when you kicked me out and wouldn't accept my friends. They've been more of a family to me than you ever have."
"Oh Kirsten, don't be silly," her mother said in a voice dripping with feigned sweetness. "This is just your pain medication talking, it's confusing the very way you think!"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Neither could Kirsten. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she yelled as loud as she could, which wasn't that loud, but still forceful. Her face was contorted in anger and pain. "Three years, three YEARS and not one word from you. Not a Christmas card, not a birthday present, nothing. Now, all of a sudden, you show up and try to be parents? Try to pretend that you care? The only reason you came was probably to save face in front of you 'dear Dr. James.' Otherwise I doubt you'd give a crap." From the slight reddening of the Robinsons' faces I could see there was at least some truth to this. Her father was only momentarily flustered.
"Kirsten, that's enough! I will not be spoken to this way. I am your father, and you will show respect!" Mr. Robinson said loudly, his face reddening even more.
"Sir, I know this isn't any of my business," Jesse interjected, "but can't you tell that Kirsten's in a lot of pain? How can you start demanding things from her? She's just gone through..."
"No it isn't any of your business, you disgusting pervert! So stay out of it!"
"Hey," I said angrily, "don't you dare talk to him like that. He's got more class and decency than you can ever hope to have."
Mr. Robinson was about to respond, when Mrs. Robinson whispered fervently, "Stanley, keep your voice down!" glancing at the open door. "Someone might hear you!" Always just worrying about appearances, as always.
Kirsten's father nodded at her, then looked Jesse up and down, taking in his baseball cap, t-shirt, and vintage jeans, and replied to me, sneering. "Somehow, I doubt that."
"Excuse me," Leslie, Kirsten's nurse, said as she came in. "Is there a problem here?"
Kirsten's parents quickly composed themselves. "No," her mother said in her mock overly-sweet way. "Just a little misunderstanding."
"Well I'm afraid that I'm going to have to ask you all to leave. All of this excitement is obviously taking a toll on Kirsten, and she needs her rest."
"Well, we're her parents," Kirsten's mother said in her gentlest, most innocent voice. "Would we be allowed to stay?"
"Seeing as how she's legally an adult, that's up to her." She looked at Kirsten.
"No," she said. "And don't bother coming back, either. I'm serious."
"Oh, Kirsten. It must be the pain medication," her mother said to Leslie. Kirsten just rolled her eyes, murmuring "the hell it is."
"Well, I'm sorry, you heard her," Leslie said. "Time to go!
Kirsten's mother looked like she was going to go to kiss Kirsten goodbye, but then, luckily for her, thought better of it and just left. Her father gave one last superior, judgmental gaze at all of us and walked out.
I felt relief wash over me, and hoped that Leslie said all of us just to get the Robinsons out of the room.
"Sorry," Leslie said to all of us, "you guys too."
"Oh, okay," we all said at the same time, in the same sad tone. Kirsten grinned.
"Don't worry 'bout them, Kirst," I said, "we love you and won't let anything happen to you. Rest up, get well!"
"Thanks," she whispered. I kissed her on the cheek, and let the rest whisper their goodbyes to her too.
Jesse and I went to our favorite coffee house, the one that we went to on our first date. It seemed so long ago. I was just completely sullen, everything that Kirsten was going through was on my mind, and I couldn't help but let it wash over me, taint every aspect of our time. Jesse looked at me with an almost patronizing small smile on his face.
"C'mon, Nate, it'll be ok. Loosen up, smile a bit!" he said.
I looked at him, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, anger, everything that I've been going through for the past few days, just grew up inside me and burst out. "Loosen up? Loosen up, Jesse? Are you kidding me?! Do you have any idea what I'm going through? My BEST FRIEND is lying in a hospital! Who knows if she'll ever be the same again. And you, you come back from your fancy life in LA, where the biggest thing you have to care about is how your hair looks. Is this all life is to you? Has the dye gotten to your head? Do you care about anything at all other than having a good time?"
I saw the tears well up in his eyes, but I didn't even care. I just needed to get all my anger out and wasn't concerned about who was taking it. "Do you even care about me, about us? I mean, this entire time I've been nothing but supportive of you. Your career doesn't let you have an open relationship, and I take it. I even help you protect it! Your career makes you have to live on the other side of the continent and I take that in stride too. But the first time that I need you to be here for me, all you can say is 'loosen up, smile a bit'?!? Seriously, Jesse?"
I stopped for a breath, but he just took a look at me with watery eyes and got up from the table. And suddenly, as fast as it showed up, all my anger just suddenly dissipated. "Jesse," I whispered, turning around, but he was already out the door, passing the window, with his hand pushing up his sunglasses, covering his eyes, his shoulders shaking. And I just put my head in my arms, and burst out sobbing.
After about 10 minutes of just sitting there, wondering what just happened, I got up and numbly made my way outside. It just made it worse that the person I would have called to talk to was Kirsten.
Just then, my phone rang.
Hoping against hope that it was Jesse, I quickly grabbed it out of my pocket, but, I saw, it was his sister Lea. 'He already told her what happened? Wow...' I thought sadly, and with a small tingle of anger. I was going to let it go to voicemail, but then decided to just picked it up, figuring it couldn't really get worse. I took a deep breath and answered.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Nate, what's up?" Lea said with smile in her voice. Now I was confused.
"Um, you don't know?"
"No..." she said puzzled, "well, I mean, I do know about your friend Kirsten, but Jesse said she'll be alright, right?"
"Oh, um, yeah, hopefully..."
"Well, that's good. Is there anything else going on?"
I just didn't have the heart to tell her. "Nope, that's it." I tried to just keep myself together until we finished the conversation.
"Okay. And is my dear older brother around? If he is," she said quickly, "don't tell him I asked," she chuckled.
"No, no he isn't, " I replied sadly, but tried to keep it out of my voice.
"Ok, good, cuz there's something that I wanted to talk to you about, and, well, I don't really feel that comfy talking to him about it, and especially him knowing that I'm talking to you about it."
Now I was really confused. "Okay...?"
She took a deep breath. "Well, I wanna talk to you about sex."
My eyes became saucers as my jaw dropped. "Oh! Um, you sure I'm the right person to talk to about this?"
"Yeah, Nate. I mean, I for sure can't talk to my parents about this, and Jesse'd just get completely overprotective about it. I need someone older, and also, you're a cool guy. I feel comfortable with you."
Well that brought a smile to my face. Somewhat, anyway. "Well, ok, fine. Whaddya wanna know?"
"Well, um, how do I know when I'm, uh, you know, ready?"
"Hmmm... well, that may not exactly be the best thing to ask from a bi guy...since we, and gays, tend to experiment a bit with other guys pretty early on..."
"Ok, I get that, but still."
"Well, considering what I just said it might sound a little oxymoronic, but when you really are in love with the guy, feel completely comfortable with him, that's a good sign."
"Ok, that make sense. Standard, but makes sense. But you're talking about guys, what if it's a girl?"
Now my eyes almost fell out of their sockets, my jaw on the floor. "Wha..what?"
She started cracking up. "Oh man, I wish I could see your face. I'm just kidding, Nate."
"Oh, wow, um, don't do that to me," I said, chuckling but still a little shocked.
"Ok, ok."
"But yeah," I continued, "you should also be sure it's actual love you're feeling, not just, you know, lust. At your age, it might be hard, but you can tell the difference."
She chuckled. "Well, I think that might be me, then. This guy, Bobby, he's amazing. He's gentle, he's caring, he's just...awesome.
"Well, that's good. How long have you been dating?"
"Oh, about 2 months."
"Oh wait, I remember you mentioning a Bobby when I ate by you guys for dinner."
"Yeaahhh, that was him."
"Ok, well, I think that right now you should hold off, Lea. I mean... you barely know the guy, how can you really be that in love with him?"
"Well, cuz! I mean, when I'm with him I'm really happy and he puts these flutters in my stomach just with a look..." she sighed.
"It does sound like you've got something for him, but still Lea, I think you should hold off a bit. Your first time's special, or at least it should be, and also, for the girl at least, it's kinda painful from what I hear. If you're not with a guy that's really worth it, that's making sure that everything's right for you, it can be a bit of an unpleasant experience."
"Really?"
"Yea. I mean, you're pretty tight down there, you know."
She chuckled shyly. "Well, I guess."
"Listen, Lea. In the end, it's your decision, no one can make it but you, including Bobby. Don't do anything you're not comfortable with, don't be forced into anything. And for God's sake, use protection, whatever you do."
She chuckled nervously again. "Ok, Nate, thanks. I really appreciate the advice."
"Your welcome, anytime."
"You're really easy to talk to, you know. I see why Jesse loves you so much."
Tears sprang to my eyes. "Thanks," I managed to say without letting the emotion get into my voice.
"Bye, Nate."
"Bye..." and we hung up.
As soon as I the phone left my ear, I felt all my horrible feelings from before the phone call come back in double. I couldn't believe what I'd done, possibly ruining what could be the very best thing to happen to me and will happen to me in my entire life. The more I thought about it, the worse I felt, but still couldn't bring myself to call him up and apologize. The sad thing was that it wasn't only because of how ashamed I felt, how disgusted I was with myself and what I'd done. It was also because I couldn't bring myself to say the words "I'm sorry." Even then, when I knew I was completely wrong, there was a streak of stubbornness that wouldn't let me do it. This just made me feel worse, of course.
After walking around the Village for... I don't even know how long, but at least a few hours, I decided to go back home, hoping Jesse was there, but part of me hoping he wasn't... I was just too ashamed to face him.
I turned the corner to my building, and saw my hope crumbling, the front steps deserted. I sighed, blinked away the moisture that was creeping into my eyes, and went upstairs.
And with a shock, there he was, sitting outside my door.
Hey guys! Yup, I'm still around, alive and kicking! Sorry for the long (long) delay, but, as those of you who still talk to me know, life's been crazier than ever, and as always, that has to come first. I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and to new readers - welcome to the story! As always, everyone, feedback is more than welcome at JesseandNate@gmail.com, or you can IM me on AIM (when I'm on, which unfortunately, isn't much nowadays) at JesseandNate. Thanks!