Joe James

----- Joe James ? 05 Hi This is, a you probably know, a story. Fiction, not reality, and so no, it's not about you, whatever you might believe. As usual, if you shouldn't be reading this for whatever reason, or you don't like the idea of boys falling in love, then don't stay here and read this. If you enjoy this story, or anything else on this site, please donate at http://www.nofty.org/donate.html And finally, your feedback is always welcome, you can contact me at secret_writer@outlook.com. -----

----- self indulgent note from author Sorry if I'm a bit slow replying to your messages (always nice to hear from you so thanks), but my world has been upside-down and it's going to be a few week to readjust I think. -----

I managed to get into the house and up to my room without anyone intercepting me and asking a thousand questions about my date. Laying on my bed, my mind was whirling with thoughts of the future, memories of the last few hours, and a whole lot of questions. In a cinematic daydream, the camera was directly above me looking down, spinning faster and faster. Is this love? Am I 'in' love? Does he feel the same? Should I have told him how I feel? What if he's thinking that I don't love him because I didn't say anything about it. But what if I said it and he didn't say it back. How can this be so great and so difficult at the same time? Will we go on another date? Oh god, what if he hated it? Is he my boyfriend now? Do I even want a boyfriend? I think I'm going to sick. Shut up, stupid, of course I want a boyfriend! As I raced through at least fifty variations of these questions every minute, it was the B word that kept coming back to me. Boyfriend. Is that what he is now?

What I am? I decided to message him.

'hey'

'hey babe :)'

I suppose 'babe' is a good sign. Better than nothing at least.

'I had a really great time on our date'

Actually I had the best time ever. Like literally, ever. And I'm still having it.

'good, me too, was going to message you but thought you might be in bed'

Thank god he had a good time. That's reassuring.

'I am in bed, but cant sleep'

'mmm, there's a mental image I like, Joe in bed'

'ha ha, I bet you do, but before you get carried away with that can I ask you something?'

'of course'

'it's about us'

'oh, sounds serious, should I stop touching myself and imagining you naked?'

'yes, for a few minutes anyway ;) '

Although in truth I was quite happy knowing he was touching himself and thinking about me. I know which part I'd be touching. Happy memories.

'I know this sounds stupid, but are we boyfriends now?'

There was a pause, definitely over a minute, no reply. As I was on the verge of deciding that my life was basically over because he didn't feel the same I got three messages through from him. Stupid internet connection.

'Yeah babe, of course we are. If you want to be. I know I do.' 'I love you Joe James, more than anything, and anyone.' 'You could say something now, your silence is making me nervous'

'ha ha ha, cool, I mean about boyfriends, not making you nervous, bad wifi, and, I love you too'

There, I'd said it. Well sort of. We chatted more, for hours, until finally deciding to go to sleep. It was a really good sleep. So much so that it was almost 11am before I woke up. I dressed in my usual shorts and T-shirt morning clothes, the things I wear before I begin the process of deciding what to wear, and went downstairs. The house seemed unusually quiet, and I thought I was probably the only one home, until I got to the kitchen and my step-dad was there.

"Morning."

"Morning? It's nearly the afternoon."

"Where is everyone?"

"Your Mum has taken the girls shopping, and Callum has just left, I think he was going round to see Chris. You have any plans?"

"Oh, OK, no, just homework."

There was silence as I made coffee and got myself something to eat. Not necessarily uncomfortable silence, but me and my step-dad have just never really had very much to say to each other.

"So how was last night?"

The silence was definitely better.

"Oh, erm, good, thanks."

"Your Mum said it was a date?"

"She did? Well, yes, it was."

"So?"

"What? It was OK."

"Only OK? Jesus Joe, I'd have thought your first date with a guy was going to be more than OK?"

"Oh, so Mum told you then."

"Of course she told me."

He didn't exactly seem comfortable, but he wasn't yelling either, so a pretty good result. Despite that, I couldn't help but make unfavourable comparisons to the time I'd spent with Paul and the rest of Marcus' family.

"Look Joe, I don't know much about this stuff, it wasn't something I ever thought I'd be talking about, and I can see that you don't want to talk to me about it, but I hope it works out for you."

So not a terrible experience, but hardly a great one either. I didn't bother getting properly dressed because I wasn't planning on going anywhere, so just made a start on my homework for the weekend. My tutor had been right, I was feeling a bit behind and had quite a lot to catch up with. I heard Mum and the girls come back a couple of hours later.

My sisters generally didn't bother me, we all got on OK enough, but they tended to live in their own girl world. But Mum, on the other hand, was soon standing at my bedroom door.

"Hey Joe, so you got up then?"

"Hey Mum."

I carried on with my homework, not looking up.

"How did it go?"

"OK."

"Yes, that's what you're Dad said. How was it really?"

I closed my books and turned towards her on my chair.

"Fine. It was great, I had a great time. Maybe I'll even do it again."

She smiled.

"That's good then. When do we get to meet him?"

"Mum, we've been on one date."

"Yes, and we'd like to meet him."

"Really?"

"Really."

"OK, but I don't know when."

I could tell that this wasn't really a good enough answer for her, but it was the only one I gave. She left me alone, eventually. To think about how I could ever manage my family meeting Marcus. And then to remember that despite our rather physical first night together, as if I wasn't replaying that in my head during my hand based work-outs every morning, and most nights, and sometimes in the middle of the day too, we had only been on one date. It was far too early to worry about meeting the family. When Callum got home, he too wasted no time in coming straight to my room. But I guess I was expecting that.

"So?"

"So what?"

"Don't give me that! What happened? Did you.... you know."

I'm not sure what exactly he thought he was miming, but it didn't look like anything I either had done or wanted to do with Marcus.

"No Callum, whatever that is, no. But I had a great time."

"So when are you going out again?"

"Don't know, we haven't planned anything really, but probably Friday."

"Friday? That's like a week away."

"Well not quite, genius, technically it's only six days, but I got college and stuff so it's OK."

As he walked off to his own room I was left thinking that it was actually quite a long time to wait. This was less than perfect, but until then, we would still be able to talk on the phone and message each other all day, just like we had been doing.

Monday morning, and I had to face the reality of what had happened on Friday, or rather, the fall out of it. I was certain that Alison and her equally talkative friends would have told basically everyone that I was gay. These sort of rumours often circulated at college, peaking by morning break and then just as quickly more or less dead, having been widely discredited by lunchtime. Of course this time, it would be true, and people had actually seen me with Marcus, and his arm around me, and calling me babe. For better or worse, I knew that I wasn't going to lie about it, I never had before, it was just that no-one had asked. That didn't stop me feeling super nervous. I hadn't really told Marcus because I didn't want him to feel bad. This wasn't his fault, or his problem. As I got on the bus, there was a not so subtle murmur rippling around me. Damn. I was at least hoping I would have until I got to college. I sat in my usual seat, as we all did, but the usual convention of not particularly talking didn't hold. It seemed that some people had heard, and within a minute, everyone else had heard too. One of the boys, I think it was Scott Worth but I couldn't be sure, said something obvious and stupid like 'oh my god Joe, that's so gay'. The irony of his statement wasn't lost on me, but it pissed me off too. In my head, I thought about making a scene and shouting him, but that's not really me.

And besides, no-one had actually talked to me about it, it was just one of those stupid things people say. I looked across the aisle, and there was a group of girls just staring at me, some were literally open mouthed.

"Really?" It was half mimed half whispered very loudly towards me.

"Yes. Really. And he's fucking gorgeous."

OK, so maybe I made a tiny bit of a scene, but what the hell, there was never any going back. And it was true. Marcus was the most perfect boy I'd ever met, and he was my boyfriend, which made me feel kind of good about myself. The rumour mill was in overdrive at college, with the arrival of people from my bus only adding further excitement. To be fair, most people weren't very bothered, perhaps because they didn't really know who I was. Several people were pretty stupid about it, all boys, and mostly preoccupied with the idea that just because I was gay I absolutely must find them irresistibly attractive. Conceited idiots.

Although a couple, as it happens, you know, I wouldn't kick out of bed in a hurry. Well, if I didn't have Marcus that is. None of them were even close to Marcus. Being a small college, this new 'fact' had become truly embedded by lunch time. Some people were openly hostile, some were obviously avoiding me, some wanted to talk to me but didn't quite know what to say I think.

Possibly the best moment was overhearing some girls I don't know all agreeing that 'he' is apparently gorgeous before seeing me, looking embarrassed and walking off. I assumed they meant Marcus. But I didn't get beaten up, or kicked out, or any of the horrific things than can happen, so all in all I was happy enough. If I'd learnt anything from my years of people watching, then making a scene would only prolong it. So I tried not to. Annoyingly, there was a light hearted, almost casual sounding 'Mr. James, have you got a moment?' as I was packing my bag to leave for the day. My form tutor, again. I followed him in to my form room.

"Everything OK?"

"Yes sir, thanks, but everything is fine."

"Good, but if there are ever any problems, well, the college has very clear rules about bullying and so on."

"Yes sir, I know. But really, it's fine. I'm sure I'm not the first ever gay boy in school."

"No, certainly not, but you might be the first one people know they have met."

I smiled at him. His concern was genuine I'm sure, and not in any kind of devious or ill-intended way. He was just a great tutor. Still, it was touching none the less, so I left before I looked like a total muppet. I told Marcus about it all briefly, but mostly just said it had all been 'fine'. For the rest of the week I tried to make an effort at college to look like someone making an effort. The last thing I needed was any more tutor attention, or worse, actually dropping my grades. My university applications were in, and I needed to do pretty well to get any of them.

My ongoing conversation with Marcus varied between boring random stuff, which was always fun, and intensely sexual teasing, which left me totally hard in the middle of class several times. Thursday had been a particularly hard day, in that way, as well as being a heavy day at college, and everyone on the bus home was shockingly close to witnessing me openly wanking in public, I was so horny. I didn't, obviously, but my bedroom door was closed and locked within seconds of getting home. I was so desperate to see him again, but also slightly concerned that I'd really have to calm down a bit if I wasn't going to literally explode when he kissed me next. Friday lunchtime, I was sitting near some people I guess I would call friends, but it's only really a label I use to make myself feel better.

But that's where I was, when the most devastating thing happened.

'I'm really sorry but somethings come up I cant make tonight'

I stared at the message for several minutes, not replying. This was it.

The casual writing off of my entire future life. He's dumping me, leaving me, found someone better. I knew I should have told him I love him! Stupid Joe. And now I'd be single forever, destined to live a life half empty, unloved, alone, still mostly a virgin. People will talk about me in whispers for years to come. 'Well they say that he got dumped and he never spoke again', 'I heard he murdered someone', 'you now he never leaves the house any more', 'and he has a lot of cats'. That sort of thing.

'Joe, babe?'

'What?'

'What do you think?'

About what? The fact that you're dumping me? It's a terrible idea! Oh, wait, I'd totally missed the next message from him as I was wallowing in my self-hating future. 'Saturday, we could go out all day and maybe you could stay over?' Such a superficially simple plan, full of everything I ever wanted.

'Yes, sounds good'

Be cool Joe, don't sound too desperate. But staying over, god I hoped I knew what that meant. But also, stop thinking about that, serious lunch hall hard on problem. I logged out of the messaging app, at least temporarily, and finished eating as quickly as I could, exiting as discreetly as possible. And of course, I was immediately back messaging with Marcus. When I got home I was straight in to persuading Mum that this was a completely sensible plan. She was fine with the going out all day bit, and less fine about the staying over bit. After much talking, and lots of pitiful looks from me, and pointing out the obvious fact that I have stayed over before and the world did not end, although it definitely vibrated if not even shook, she agreed. At least, she stopped disagreeing, and in an unusual moment of clarity, I realised that if I just stopped talking about it, that's how it would stay.

I was still messaging Marcus throughout the evening, when I realised that he was messaging me during whatever it was that was so important he had to cancel my date. I mean, our date, obviously. I liked that idea that he was on another date but he'd realised the other boy was just rubbish in every way compared to me and that was why he was still messaging me.

Then I got paranoid about him actually meeting another boy, so had to stop that little chain of thoughts from becoming a whole big scary thing. But I did still want to know what was more important than me. After we had eaten, during which I was mostly sulky and quiet, and Callum kept mentioning how my date had cancelled, like anyone didn?t know that already, I went back to my room.

'So where are you tonight?'

'Sorry babe, I thought I said, I agreed to come to this concert with my aunt and cousins ages ago, totally forgot about it.'

'No, you didn't say'

'I did ask my aunt if there were any spare tickets, but I was too late'

'OK, so what is it, is it good?'

'No, totally bored babe, you wouldn't like it, all classical stuff'

'Oh, so why did you say you would go?'

'Usually it's because I'm not listening and agree to something anyway, so probably that'

'Ha ha, well I'm pleased it's less fun than going on a date with me'

'Joe babe, there's no comparison, and I promise I'll make it up to you tomorrow'

'I bet you will ? is that an oboe in your pocket or are you just excited to see me? Ha ha'

'I didn't mean like that!'

'Oh, too bad, I did. And no, it's not an oboe.'

'Joe!'

'What? You could squeeze it if you wanted to be sure'

'Damn you sexy Joe James, if you had any idea what thoughts like that did to me'

'Well I'm hoping I do know, else I'm going to be very disappointed'

'Then I don't think you'll be disappointed'

'You know, it's really hot in my bedroom, I think I'll probably get undressed'

'That's so unfair'

'Yes, I know :) It's too bad you'd rather be listening to that stuff than here with me, watching me take of my T-shirt'

'Joe you KNOW I'd rather be there'

'Sorry what? I wasn't paying attention, was too busy unbuttoning my jeans'

'Stop it! I can't get into this now!'

'sliding them down, revealing my bulging boxers'

'ohhh god Joe'

'see, if you were here, right now, you'd be able to see and feel my hot hard body'

'tomorrow Joe, tomorrow I promise'

'and you could be feeling the waistband of my boxers, running your fingers inside, before you slowly pull them down, leaving me naked and hard and right in front of you'

Which wasn't a million miles away from the truth, except of course, he wasn't in front of me.

'mmmmm fuck Joe I can't wait, I'm so hard right now'

'good, now go and enjoy you're shitty concert :) I got homework to do'

'that is so mean!'

'ha ha ha - I'm sure you'll get over it by tomorrow. Where are we going anyway?'

'I'm not telling you now. But you'll need a coat.'

'Grrrrr'

'I bet you look so cute when you do that'

'I do not!'

'ha ha, OK, so I'll pick you up about 10?'

'cool'

We chatted more, but he still wouldn't tell me where we were going, and we didn't return to the sexy stuff. I guess we both knew there would be time for that tomorrow. At least I know I was hoping there would be.