This story is purely fiction. However, some places mentioned do in fact exist, but certain things may be changed for the advantage of the story. This story will at some point include sexual relations between two college-age males. If you don't want to read something like that, then leave. If you are under the age of 18 (21 in some areas), or if it is illegal for you to view this material, then you should exit out of this.
This story is copyrighted and may not be copied for any reason, without the authors' permission. Authors note Grab some tissues
Josh
I quickly fell into a routine: swim practice, classes, homework, and actively avoiding Justin, and to tell you the truth, after 2 weeks of this, I was pissed; pissed at feeling like I had to avoid him. I guess he thought that since he had showed me his homophobic side, he could do it again, because it seemed like every time I was around him, he had something bad to say about gay people (apparently, he encountered gay people on a regular basis, which, to tell you the truth, surprised me; not the amount, just that they were so open).
Oh, by the way, I found out that Noah wasn't in any of my Tuesday/Thursday classes, so today being Tuesday, I got out of my last class (biology) and stood outside the building trying to decide whether I wanted to go to the library, for what seemed like the millionth time (yep, you guessed it - trying to avoid Justin), or to take my chances and go back to my room. I just decided `fuck it! I'm going back to my room.' I mean, how sad is that, that I dread spending time in my room? Pretty damn sad, I think.
So I headed to my room, and hoped that Justin wasn't in there, and, to tell you how little we have actually talked, I have no idea when his classes are. When I got to my room, I put my bag down, grabbed my phone, and laid down on my bed. I was thinking of calling Andy, when it started ringing. I looked at the ID, and laughed.
`Andy Calling'
Still laughing, I said, "Hey, bro! I was just thinking about calling you."
"Really? Well, I called you first, bitch, so I guess that means I'm better than you."
"You are," I said, in all seriousness.
"Yep, I knew you would agree," he said, laughing, but then he got serious, and said,
"No, you're the best, bro. So how's it going with Mr. Homophobe?"
"Well, I've now started basically living in the library. It sucks, but I don't think I'll have any problems with any of my classes."
"Man, that sucks, bro. Hey, what about talking to Mom and Dad about helping you pay for an apartment, since you are saving them money by having that scholarship?"
"I don't know; I mean, I was so excited about living in the dorm. They would want to know why I suddenly don't want to live here anymore."
"So why don't you tell them then? I mean, they wouldn't want you putting yourself at risk with a roommate like Justin, and, seriously Josh, what do you think they would do? Disown you or something?"
"Yeah, maybe; I mean, fuck, Andy. You don't know how they'll react anymore than I do, so what makes you think they would be ok with it?"
"I don't know what they think of gay people, bro, but have you ever heard them say anything that would make you think they wouldn't accept you?"
"No, but I'm not ready to take that chance. That's why I moved here to go to school; I'm just not ready. I don't know if I ever will be."
"Oh, come on. So you're going to just hide from them, for the rest of their lives, the fact that you're gay?"
"Maybe. I don't know. Can we just drop it, Andy? When I'm ready, I'll tell them, but I don't want you pressuring me to tell them. You have no idea how hard it is to know that there are people out there that hate you, just because of who you love. I can't escape it. I even have to deal with a roommate that feels like that, and the idea of losing Mom and Dad kills me; so just leave it alone, ok?"
"Ok...ok, I'm sorry. I guess I didn't realize how hard it is, but maybe you can still talk to them about an apartment, because your next roommate could be just as bad, and I think it would be cool to have your own apartment."
"I'll think about it, Andy. I gotta go, ok?"
"Ok, bro. Talk to ya later."
"Ok."
I laid back down on my bed, and thought about what he said. I mean, maybe I could get them to help with an apartment, and with my stipend, I don't think it would be so bad, but I don't know what I would tell them to get them to agree, without telling them the truth, and I just wasn't ready for that yet; maybe I never would be. I was so lost in thought that when Justin burst through the door, I think I jumped about a foot off my bed.
"Fuckin' faggot!"
Oh, great! Another homophobic rant! I can't wait to hear this one! He didn't even wait for me to say anything; he just launched into his rant.
"My god, Josh! How many faggots does this school have? I was just in the shower after football practice, and this guy starts checking me out. At first, I just thought, oh, he's just comparing, but then he looked me up and down, and when he got to my cock, he licked his lips! He licked his fucking lips! I said, `what are you looking at, faggot, and he looked away, but then he had the nerve to look at me again, and when I went to say something, he just gave me a smug look. I guess some of the others saw what was happening, because I had had enough, and went to hit the fag, but two guys grabbed my arms to stop me. I just got dressed really fast and left, but believe me, he won't always have people watching his back, and when he doesn't, he'll have my fist in his face!"
I was shocked! He has always said homophobic things, but he has never threatened violence before. This is ridiculous! What the fuck is wrong with him? I now knew that there really was no way I could ever let him find out I'm gay. "I'm gonna go grab something to eat Justin; I'll see you later".
I went to the student union and got something to eat, and sat down to call Andy again. Yeah, I know; I talk to my brother a lot, but I don't care what you think; he keeps me sane. I told Andy all about Justin's new violent threats, and he kind of freaked out and said that he thinks I really need to at least see if I can get another dorm room, but, actually, I had already asked the housing office about a week ago, and there weren't any more rooms; so I was stuck. We hung up, with him telling me to watch what I say and do, and to be careful. I was already doing all that, but it's nice to know he cares. I stayed out until about 10:30, and then decided it was probably safe to go back to my room.
When I got back, Justin was passed out, so I said a silent `thank you', and decided there was nothing better to do but go to sleep; besides, I get to see Noah tomorrow! Well, I get to see him everyday in practice, but days like tomorrow are all day!
When I woke up, I was ready to go, and I'm not usually like that, but I was so ready to get the day started. I got dressed and went to the pool for practice. When I got there, Noah was already dressed in his speedo for practice. Damn! I shouldn't expect anything different, because over the past 2 weeks he has completely confused me. I mean, one minute he seems happy to see me, and talks to me, and then the next minute, its like a switch has been flipped, because he withdraws and tries to avoid me, and if I try to talk to him, his replies are short. I can't figure him out, but I haven't given up, and I have a plan.
It's been two weeks since classes have started, so there should be a test soon in at least one of my classes so I'm going to ask Noah to study with me, when they do announce that there is a test. I don't know if it will work but I'm gonna try.
Luck was with me, because during our psychology class, the professor announced that we have a test on Friday. Yes! I don't think I've ever been excited about a test, but I am now! I just have to figure out how to get him to agree to study with me, and with him, I never know how he is going to act. I caught up with him after class, "hey Noah"
"Hey."
"Umm, look, I was wondering if you'd like to study with me?"
"I-I don't know, I kinda like to study alone."
"Aww, come on..... please?" I asked, giving him what I hoped was my best puppy dog look. "I could really use some help with this stuff; I can't seem to get all the names and theories straight."
I swear there was a flicker of something that showed up on his face; maybe a smile? Whatever it was, it was gone as fast as it appeared.
"Ok, I guess I can help you. When?" he asked.
"Well. how about we grab some lunch, and then head over to my room. I'm sick of the library".
He looked kind of nervous, but he said, "Ok". So we went to get some lunch, and, after we sat down, I tried to get to know him, but he just wasn't talking, so I gave up, and we just sat and ate in silence.
I really hoped that Justin wasn't in the room, but I was so fucking sick of the library that I was willing to take the chance. When we got to my room, I crossed my fingers and opened the door. `Yes!' He wasn't in there.
"Get comfortable. Do you like to study with music or without?"
"Oh...umm, whatever you usually do is fine with me," so I put on some music and sat down on my bed (he was sitting in my desk chair), and took off my shoes.
I won't bore you with all the details, because all we did was quiz each other, and we didn't really talk about anything besides psychology. Eventually, he seemed to relax a little bit, and even took his shoes off, too. Just when things seemed to be getting better, and just when I thought we would start getting to know each other, Justin came in.
"Hey, Josh, who's this?"
"Justin, this is Noah; Noah this is Justin."
"Nice to meet you, Noah."
"You, too," he replied nervously.
So, no more relaxed look; no chance to find out more about him; nothing. He just kind of shut down. Justin laid down on his bed with his laptop, and seemed like he was ignoring us, until Noah asked, "Ok, Josh, who was Alfred Kinsey?"
"I have no idea." Just when I thought Justin was going to be okay, he had to open his big homophobic mouth and say, "He was just some fag that tried to say that most people fall somewhere on a scale from heterosexual to homosexual, stupid faggot"
"Justin!" I screamed. "Can't you go one fucking day without opening your homophobic mouth?" Shit! I didn't mean to do that, but I'm sick of his shit, and to top it all off, Noah had this panicked look on his face, and he looked like he was ready to run.
"You know what? FUCK YOU JOSH! You're probably a fag, anyway!" He grabbed his keys and stormed out, while I sat there shocked. To my surprise, Noah pulled it together, and managed to pull me together, too.
"I'm so sorry, Noah. I forgot to tell you that my roommate's a complete asshole!" He looked at me, and I saw him smile for the first time. Man, let me tell you! My heart melted, when I saw that smile. "Don't worry about it, Josh."
Don't ask me how it went from me apologizing, and him saying not to worry about it, to what happened next, because, to this day, all I can say is I felt that magnetic force again, and before I knew it, I was kissing him, and when I pulled back, his eyes were still closed; and when he opened them, he literally launched himself at me, and kissed me back; and just when we were really getting into kissing, he suddenly pulled back.
The look he had in his eyes..... well, let's just say that I never want to see that look again. The next thing I know, he is pulling on his shoes, and running out the door, forgetting his backpack. I started to run after him, but it was no use; I would never catch up with him; he was too fast. Damn me and my crying, but that's exactly what I did - start crying! I fucked up, and I didn't know if I would be able to fix it.
Noah Fuck! I knew better! I fucking knew better! I panicked! I started running! I didn't know where I was going, but I had to get out of there. I ran blindly, not paying attention to where I was going, but after a while, I recognized exactly where I was. I can't believe I ran almost 3 miles!
I slowed down; even though it was getting dark, I knew this place well. After all, I came here everyday for several months. Oh, yes! I knew this place very well....unfortunately.
`Hi, Aiden. I'm sorry I haven't been out here to visit you in a while. You see, my parents kicked me out, and I just got so overwhelmed with things, that I just didn't come see you." I sat down, and started picking at the grass. "Fuck, Aiden! My life is so fucked up; I don't know what to do. I just go through the day doing what I have to do, but, without you I just don't have any reason to feel happy; and then, today, I really fucked up. I'm really, really sorry, Aiden, but you see...this guy I know, asked me to study with him, and he kissed me, and I kissed him back, and... oh, my god, Aiden! I really am sorry; I feel so guilty.'
I don't know why, but I started feeling angry - angry at myself for `cheating' on Aiden; for feeling like I cheated on Aiden, and mad at Aiden for leaving me, and I just blew up.
`HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT? HOW DARE YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME LIKE THAT! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU? PLEASE COME BACK AND TAKE ME WITH YOU! PLEASE, PLEASE, AIDEN, PLEASE COME BACK! I LOVE YOU!'
I laid down on the ground, and I felt a peace come over me. I know what I have to do. It's the only way I can be happy; the only time I ever really felt happy was with Aiden. If he won't come to me, I'll go to him; yes, I'll go to him.
`See you soon, Aiden.'
I started walking back to my room. I don't know how long it took, but, eventually, I got there, went up to my room (still no roommate thankfully), and wrote `went to be with Aiden' on a piece of paper. Then I got my anxiety pills, which had just been refilled, and, one by one, I took them all. All I could think about was how I would soon be with Aiden, again. I laid down on my bed, and went to sleep, with a smile on my face.
Josh
Something woke me up. I don't know what it was, but it made me sit straight up in my bed. Something told me to go check on Noah; something was wrong! Luckily, I knew what room he was in, in the other dorm. I quickly got dressed, and, again, luck was with me when I was able to get into the dorm.
I quickly went up to his room and knocked; no answer, shit! I tried to open it, yes! It was unlocked! There he was sound asleep. Why was I worried? I got closer; oh, my god! He looks so pale. I felt for a pulse, and it was weak. That's when I noticed the pill bottle...empty. I grabbed my cell phone and called 911. When they answered, I told them what I knew, and told them to "please hurry."
The next hour or so was crazy - ambulances, questions, doctors, more questions; I just sat in the waiting room, numb.
"Are you the one who found Noah Watkins?" I looked up so suddenly, my neck hurt.
"Yes, sir. Is he going to be ok?" I asked, fearing the answer.
"Yes, he's going to be fine. He's very lucky; just a little bit longer, and he wouldn't have made it; you saved his life."
"Can I see him?"
"Well, normally we don't let people who aren't family members in so soon, but since you were the one to find him, I'll bend the rules a bit".
"Thanks."
I went into the room, and there he was. He didn't look as pale, but he didn't look good, either. Why would he do something like this? I don't understand, but at that moment, I swore I would do everything in my power to make sure he never did anything like this again.
Noah
I was walking; I don't know where I was going, but I looked up, and there was Aiden.
"Aiden?"
"Hello, Noah."
"Oh, Aiden! I've missed you so much; I love you."
"Noah, I love you, too, but why did you do it?"
"I wanted to be with you."
"I know; I want to be with you, too, but it isn't time for you to die. You have so much left to do - you, Josh, and...yes, even Justin will help to improve so many people's lives. You are meant to do great things."
"Josh?"
"Yes, Josh. Don't you see? I would have loved nothing better than to grow old with you, but it wasn't meant to be. What kind of life would you have if you spent it wishing you were with me? I can tell you, it would be a very sad, lonely life. You have closed off all but a piece of your heart; the part that belongs to me. That will never belong to anyone else; you will always love me, but what about the rest of your heart? Don't be afraid to unlock it and let yourself love again. I sent Josh to you. Why do you think you feel this pull toward him? I can tell you, he feels it, too. You and Josh are meant to be; let it happen, and live the life you were meant to live. Be happy! I want to see you happy. Give him a chance; give yourself a chance to love again. He will be there to help you, and you will be there to help him. I will always be right here," he said, touching my chest. "Don't feel guilty. What happened, happened. It is what it is, and I don't regret anything. I wouldn't give up those two years that we had, for anything, and I know you feel the same. Go be happy, go be with Josh, and live the life you are meant to live. I will always be with you."
He smiled that smile I love, and disappeared. I opened my eyes, and felt a hand on mine. Looking over, I smiled a real smile, and looked at the sleeping Josh, as he was bent over, with his head on my bed, and a peaceful feeling swept over me, and I realized that I would be alright, because, for the first time in 14 months, I felt truly happy.
Authors Note
This was something that I didn't plan but I think it turned out ok right? Now we'll have to do something with Justin and his attitude because he's threatening violence now and what was that comment about Josh probably being a fag? This story is definitely far from over so don't worry I have a lot more coming for these characters so I hope you keep reading Josh goes to college.
Thanks to all the emails I have received I truly love receiving them.
Thanks to my editor for putting up with the mess that eventually becomes what you read with a lot of help from him.
Send any comments to stories_of_sam@yahoo.com