Remember if you DON'T stand up for yourself you have given tacit permission for injustice to continue!
If I have written Xan's dialogue wrong I apologize,I am working from memory of what my sign language teacher sounded like when she talked. Please, if I can make it more real do tell me!
Allow me to introduce Dr. Alejhandro Guevarra or Aley to his boyfriend..
Josh's Journey: A Meeting of Minds
I rolled over awake as soon as the alarm went off. Memories of the night before tumbled past my eyes. We had enjoyed each others company and bodies until long into the night. At some point I had become too exhausted to respond to even Kel's mouth on my cock. I just lay there arms outstretched floating in a haze of sensation. Kel had laughed and snuggled up to my side. I pulled him close and stroked his face.
"You'll stay tonight?" I asked.
"Oh yes, of course." He answered.
"Good, cause I am too wiped out to walk you to your car," I said with a laugh. "And I think its tomorrow anyway by now."
Kel burst out laughing and pulled a blanket up over the both of us. He tucked it in along my side and then behind himself.
"Let me take care of you for a change," he said softly. I murmured an agreement and drifted off to sleep.
When I awoke sometime later it was very dark. My hand touched a body in my bed. I leaned over and peered closely as my eyes adjusted to the dark. A tangle of dark curls covered my extra pillow. Kel. Smiling, I slid back down under the covers and pulled him to me.
I was just drifting off again when I realized how dark it was. It was never completely dark at Kel's house. I crawled out of the bed and walked into the kitchen. I wondered if the light over the sink would be bright enough. But I turned it on anyway. The fluorescent tube slowly heated up, getting brighter and brighter. Crystal rubbed against my leg. I scratched her ears absently. She nudged my leg again asking to be let out. I let both canines out praying our fence was strong enough to keep Tova in. Or that Crystal wouldn't allow him to stray. They didn't spend much time outside and came in together. I returned to bed and crawled in cuddling up to Kel's back. He mumbled in his sleep. I slid back into sleep.
I hadn't remembered setting the alarm but I was glad when it went off. Well no, I wasn't really but sleeping in would not have been good after being off two days the previous week. Kel sat up as I untangled my feet from the sheets. I slid off the end of the bed and stood up, leaning forward to kiss him. His lips were soft with just a trace of early morning chill on them.
"Go back to sleep," I said softly. "I have to go to work. Mitch got home around 1:00, he'll sleep until noon most likely. Help yourself to anything in the fridge."
"Josh?" Kel looked down at the bed. "Did you really mean ..?" He picked at the sheets. "I mean last night when you said..?"
"When I said I'd marry you? Yes, I meant it. I meant it then and I mean it now."
Kel's face lit up in a smile. How I loved that smile, so bright and so honest. I stroked his cheek lightly. His skin was so soft. My index finger traced the shape of those full lips. He shivered.
"And one day very soon I will show you exactly HOW much I meant it." I smiled. "But now I have to get ready for work!"
Kel nodded. He pushed the blankets off and scooted on his butt to the end of the bed. He must have woken up in the night because he was now wearing his jeans. He looked down as I did. Kel blushed.
"Josh..."
I shook my head. "You already explained it. I should have thought of that."
He stood up and stretched. I admired the long, sleek lines of his body, the way his chest hair feathered lightly out across his belly and pecs from a center line running up his body . My arms seemed to move on their own, pulling him into a bone crunching embrace. Kel sighed and laid his head on my shoulder. He stroked my back softly, his long fingers gentle as feathers. I kissed his forehead.
"Better let go," He said.
"Hmmm.. what?" I looked at him.
"Better let go of me so you can get a shower. You will never get to work standing here hangin on to me!" He said with a laugh. Kel pushed my shoulder away playfully. His nails scraped the scratches from last night. I winced and kissed him before he could say anything.
"Okay, okay, I can take a hint," I grinned and let go of him.
A quick shower, tomorrow was pay day and time for a new hot water heater, a cup of coffee lovingly prepared by my lover and I was ready to meet the day! Ready to crawl back into bed for some more sleep actually, but I got dressed anyway. Kel sat cross legged at the table sipping a cup of coffee while I finished dressing.
"What are you planning for today?" I asked.
"I don't know... I'm in town maybe I'll see if I can track Micah down or visit Kara. I owe them both a visit." He looked down. "I'm sorry Josh, but they both loved me an awful lot," he looked up at me. "I can't turn my back on that."
I nodded. "Of course not. Not anymore than I could quit being friends with Xan."
He smiled. "I knew you'd understand. I need to leave Tova here though, I don't know where Micah is working or if he is so I'll have to try to connect with some of his friends. I'd rather not make Tova stay in the car all day... bad for my interior among other things."
"Shouldn't be a problem." I pulled my sweatshirt over my head. " I forgot to tell you yesterday but I have a 5:00 appointment with Dr. Guevarra tomorrow."
"Cool. And that reminds me! Dr. Gower's nurse called me. All the tests were negative, but they are suggesting I take a multivitamin high in iron."
"That's great." I leaned down and kissed him. "Go back to bed. Get some more sleep."
He grinned at me and unfolded out of the chair. He wrapped his arms around my neck. I hugged him. He pulled his head back and looked at me.
"I gained 3 pounds last week."
"YES!" I shouted hugging him. The hug lifted him off of his feet. He reflexively tightened his grip on my neck.
"I am now officially up to starvation weight." He grinned mischief sparkling in his eyes. I laughed and hugged him again.
Kel walked with me out to the driveway. He kissed me through the window of the `Stang. I could see him, in my rear view mirror, still standing in the driveway as I drove down the street.
The morning passed surprisingly quickly. When lunch hour rolled around I turned down Sam's offer of a burger. I had someplace I wanted to go I explained to him. On my way to work I had passed a small jewelry store many times. I had often thought that I should go in and see if there was anything I liked. And maybe something to send to my Mom and Anita. I had picked up Xan's gift at a jewelry kiosk in the mall near my place. But for Kel I wanted something ..... more fitting to an engagement. I guess it was the romantic in me.
The store was a small square brick building with bars on the outsides of the windows. The windows were full of ceramic figurines of rather elongated women. I studied them. Pretty, I suppose, but not to my taste at all. The door had a hand lettered sign on it announcing its hours in bright colors. I pushed the door open.
There were long counters on either side of the room and several displays stands in a line down the center of the room. I turned around in amazement: everywhere I looked there were mirrors. Big ones, small ones, painted and stained glass ones all over the walls. I was suddenly embarrassed to be in there in dusty jeans and a scruffy sweatshirt. I'd be lucky if they didn't call the cops! I wandered over to the counter on the left and studied the jewelry in the cases. I walked past the diamonds quickly, no way I could afford them and they looked much to fancy for Kel anyway. At the end of the counter there were rows and rows of bands, in silver, gold, and Black Hills gold. I winced at the prices. Maybe I wouldn't be doing this as soon as I thought!
"Can I help you?"
I looked up to see a man standing beside me. He was probably in his late 50s, balding and wearing glasses. He smiled brightly.
"I was looking for a ring...but I don't think I can afford anything you have," I said sadly.
"Oh, perhaps we can find something. " He replied walking around to the back of the case.
He looked up at me. "Is this ring for you or for someone special?"
I smiled. "Someone special, someone VERY special."
He smiled and nodded. "Ahh, good, good. Well, we should be able to find something for that very special person."
He leaned over and unlocked the case. He slid the back of the case aside and reached in and brought out a padded tray of rings. He set them gently on the counter. I leaned over to look closer at them. He picked one out and handed it to me. I looked at it and shook my head and handed it back. Much to feminine. Together we looked at several more rings. As I looked he asked questions about what I wanted, how much I could afford, did I want it engraved?
"Too small, I'm certain." I said handing one back. The clerk looked puzzled.
"Too small? We can make them bigger or smaller. Does your young lady have enlarged knuckles? Arthritis, perhaps?" He asked.
"Just bring her in and we will size the ring to her finger," he continued.
"Well," I said. "Actually its a guy I'm buying the ring for.. he has very long, thin fingers and delicate hands. Very beautiful hands actually."
The clerk stared at me. Suddenly his face turned bright red and he jerked the tray back and stuffed it in the case. The door slammed with an audible bang. He pointed a shaking finger at me.
"Get out! Just GET OUT! We don't serve your kind in here." He shouted.
"What the-?" I said in shock. My hands flew up in front of me as if to ward off a blow.
"This is a decent business! We don't allow your type of .. of.. filth in here! Now get out!" His face was bright red and his hands were shaking. I backed up, my hands still up as if to protect myself.
"If you aren't out of here in 30 seconds I will call the police!" he shouted waving his arms.
I could have sunk through the floor at that moment. I felt my face go bright red in embarrassment. My eyes were stinging from tears. For the first time in close to three years I felt dirty, unclean. I felt ashamed of myself, ashamed of my love for Kel. Suddenly I was angry. How dare he call me names! How dare he make me feel ashamed of my beautiful Kel.
"You are the filth not me!" I shouted at him. "I love my Kel. And I'll protect him forever from evil little bigots like you!"
I spun on my heels and stormed out. I wrenched the door open so hard I thought it might rip right off the hinges. Would have served him right if I had! I dropped into my car and laid my head on the steering wheel. This time I cried. I cried for all the hate in the clerk's face. I cried for the unfairness in the simple fact that because I loved a man I was suddenly unworthy to shop in his store. After several minutes of crying I looked up. The clerk was standing in the doorway talking on the phone. I cranked over the engine on the `Stang in fury and peeled out of there. I was livid now! If I hadn't left I would have returned to the store and really gotten myself in trouble! Now I understood how discrimination bred anger and violence. I loved Kel, my funny, sweet, pretty MAN!
With at least a half hour left on my lunch, I didn't want to return to work. And I was very much in need of some comfort. But not from Kel. No, I wouldn't infect Kel with the clerk's hate. I drove at a dangerous speed north.. to the garage where Xan worked. Fortunately for me, he was there, instead of at lunch, and free at the moment. He took one look at my face and dragged me behind the counter and down the hall to the break room. He pushed me into a chair and studied my face closely. He made a fist with his right hand, his thumb and little finger pointing up. He tapped the knuckles of his fist against his chin, a puzzled look on his face.
It was one of the few signs I knew "what's wrong?" He looked frightened. Without realizing what I was doing I surged upward and wrapped my arms around his neck sobbing loudly. Xan held me and rocked me. His hands patted my back and stroked my hair.
"Yoss," he said softly, well softly for him. "Ih ohay. Ah ere. Ah ere. Ih ohay. Yoss, tell me ut`s wrong? Ih ih Keh? Di soming appen to Keh?"
I let go and leaned back. Xan's face was worried. He reached out and wiped the tears off my cheek. I ducked my head and kissed his hand. Slowly and carefully I told him what had happened at the jewelry store. He watched my lips his face going from puzzlement to anger to fury.
Xan screamed in fury. His normal speaking voice can be hard enough to understand and quite loud but now he was incoherent and VERY loud. I shushed him with an anxious glance at the door. I'd had enough hassles for the day without having to explain to his coworkers why he was screaming. He quieted down but was shaking with anger. He hugged me again. There were tears on his face. On Xan's left hand was the gold and diamond band that Kaleb had placed there a year ago. I hadn't been there when he did..Kaleb had taken it with them to Hawaii and put it on Xan's finger on the beach. The ring glowed against Xan's ivory skin. Maybe to people like the jewelry store clerk it didn't mean anything but to Kaleb and Xan it meant everything. And to me as well.
"Ah teh Kayeb." He said. "Kayeb fine jewer for you. Kayeb know oo." His face was red and he was breathing rapidly. His hands flew in a fury of signing. I couldn't understand them but I picked out "no" and "stop" and the name sign for Kaleb. But for all I didn't understand, there was no mistaking the fury of the emotion behind his signing.
I hugged him again. It felt so good to share the hurt with someone else. Someone who understood why it hurt so much. The ache inside started to ease up. I felt better already.
"Thank you," I said. "You're the best friend a guy could have."
Xan grinned at me. "Yeah," he agreed.
I left Xan with barely enough time to make it make to work. But somehow I made it. Sam could see I was upset and asked me about it. I quickly explained what had happened. Sam shook his head.
"I don't understand some people, Josh." he said slowly. "All the fuss about gays being promiscuous and here's two boys who make a pledge to each other and BAM! they're instant dirt. I just don't understand it at all."
I didn't understand it either. And wasn't sure I wanted to understand it. I just wanted to hold Kel, to catch his scent in my nose, to feel his body under my hands. To feel right again.
I wasn't sure if Kel would still be at my house that evening but I hurried home as fast as Seattle traffic at rush hour would let me. Strangely it was easier to go out to the suburb that Kel lived in than to get to my place. His car was in the driveway when I got there. I bolted around back.
Kel was sitting in the alleyway behind the house with a can of tuna in his lap. His attention was firmly riveted on a patch of brush against the fence across the alley. The brakes on my feet engaged so fast I damn near fell over. From inside the house, the canines barked in frustration. Kel raised his head and turned to look at me. He smiled.
"Kel?" I asked. "What on Earth..??"
"Shhh," he said pointing to the bushes some ten feet away. "The momma cat has almost decided to come and eat."
"Jeez Kel," I scratched my nose.
Kel grinned at me and went back to watching the bushes. I watched him for several minutes.
"How long have you been sitting here?" I inquired.
"I don't know, an hour maybe."
"Kel!"
He just grinned at me. Some instinct told me that there was no way he was getting up before he either got the momma cat to eat the tuna or he was run over by someone coming around the curve in the alley. I shook my head and opened the gate into the yard. I glanced back at him as I reached the door. He was talking softly. I wondered if that was how he had acquired Misty. Tova and Crystal mobbed me as I went through the door to the kitchen. I rubbed Tova's ears.
"Hell, I don't know," I told him. "He's YOUR dad." I grinned for the first time since I had left the jewelry store.
By the time I finished my shower and got dressed Kel had come inside. He was flushed with excitement, the momma cat had eaten out of his hand. He had been worried all day that she wouldn't be able to nurse her kits properly if she didn't get some food in her. I hugged him and kissed him. To have him in my arms again was paradise. He was so loving, so caring, so concerned about a stray cat he'd sit in the driveway not moving for an hour or more. How could anyone condemn him just because he was in love with a man?
I never wanted to let him go. However, I was starved since I had missed my lunch. I wondered if there was anything in the house to eat. I studied the inside of the fridge. Kel peered over my arm.
"Not much," I said. "Neither Mitch nor I am here all that much lately.
Kel nodded. "Let's go out. There's a Cisco's not far from here. I'll buy."
"All right," I said. "Sounds yummy."
Dinner was, of course, delicious. We talked about our day, though I didn't tell him about the episode at the jewelry store. Not yet, it was still to painful. And I wanted the ring to be a surprise. Even though I had said I would buy him one, I wanted the actual giving to be a surprise. I asked Kel about his meds and he told me he had brought them with him.. just in case he said with a wink.
Kel was in a good mood. His eyes sparkled and he talked rapidly. He had located Micah, who was working in a bank in Kent. Kel was pleased that Micah was working instead of hustling, apparently something Micah did on a fairly regular basis .
After dinner we decided to go to a movie. The theater was almost empty so we sat up at the top where we could critique the males in the film and drool over their finer points without bothering anyone else. After the movie, we returned to my apartment.
Shortly after we got there, the phone rang. It was Kaleb, Xan had told him about what happened that morning. He was concerned about me. I was cautious in my answers at first and Kel seemed to pick up on it because he left the living room and went to the bedroom.
"Is everything all right, Josh?" Kaleb's deep voice resonated concern.
"Yes, I'm sorry Kaleb." I moved as far from the door to the kitchen as I could go. "I haven't told Kel about it. I want the ring to be a surprise. And I didn't want to upset him."
"Okay, I can understand that." He paused for a moment. "Anyway, I bought Xan's ring from a goldsmith named Antonine, another one of Colin`s motley friends. She claims to be a Gypsy." He chuckled. "She has a shop out near Pike's Market, not in the market itself but along Alaskan Way near Pike's. I highly recommend her. She does beautiful work and you can design your own rings. Which is what I did."
"Thanks, Kaleb. I'll give it a look," I said.
"Do. She is very flexible so you can spend as much as you want.. or as little as you want."
"That's good. I can't afford a lot. I have to buy a hot water heater as it is." I sighed.
"I can loan it to you. Pay me back when you can."
"Thank you. Maybe.. let me see first."
"Okay." Kaleb paused. "Give me the name of the jewelry store and the address. There isn't much that can be done. He has the right to deny service to anyone and proving discrimination would be his word against yours at any rate."
I started to speak but Kaleb cut me off. "HOWEVER, I can get the word out to a few groups in the area. Perhaps we can cut into his business a bit." He chuckled. "Hit a person in the pocket book and they do begin to pay attention."
I chuckled and gave Kaleb the information. It wasn't the justice I really would have liked but it would have to do. Maybe someday things would be better. Kaleb and I talked for another minute or so then hung up. I walked back to the bedroom and crawled up onto the bed cuddling up to Kel. We talked for a bit, at first with voices but after a while with fingers, tongues and lips. A language ancient but well known. A language for which there is no other language comparable. And where there was no gender only lovers.
I awoke the next morning feeling relaxed. Kel's head was on my shoulder. I kissed his head and slid out from under him. Kel was still sleeping when I returned to the bedroom after my shower. I dressed quickly and went to get a cup of coffee. I was filling my thermos and waiting for Crystal and Tova to come back in when Kel came into the kitchen. He looked tired, there were big shadows under his eyes. I wrapped my arm around his waist and pressed my hand to his forehead. He snickered and leaned against my shoulder.
"Don't feel well?" I asked. He nodded. "Go back to bed for a bit. Sleep. You're welcome to stay here."
"I think I will do that." He said softly, his head on my shoulder.
Do you have everything you need? Your meds?"
"Yeah, I have the bottles out in my car. I better call Mrs. Witsky and have her run over and feed the rabbits and check on the cats and Keeley.
"Will she be up at this hour? Its awfully early." I rubbed his back gently.
Kel made a soft purring sound. "I'll call her in a little while, I think I am going to sleep some more."
I kissed his forehead. I ran out to his car to get the medicine bottles. For the first time I realized just how many pills he took a day. The bottles were in a small Rubbermaid container with a schedule for taking taped to the inside of the lid. There were 7 pills in the morning and three in the evening for the depression and schizophrenia. Plus a pill for his blood pressure and a multivitamin. I carried them inside and gave them to Kel. He smiled weakly in thanks. I poured him a glass of apple juice and watched him take the pills. This was normal life for him but I had to suppress a shiver.
I worried about him getting cold, he was so thin. I located a sweatshirt in the laundry that was too small for Mitch or me, heaven knows why we still had it, but we did. Kel pulled it on. I smiled as his head popped out of the top. The light green shirt made his eyes looker greener than ever. It was, of course, much too big for him but it would keep him warm. Kel had put on Micah's sweats the night before, they were also much too big for him even with the drawstring pulled as tight as possible. They slid way down on his hips revealing a wave of soft brown pubic hair before he pulled the shirt down over the waistband. I smiled again and hugged him before smacking him on the butt and sending him back to bed.
When he was all tucked in I brought the phone into the room and put it up near his head. He looked at it puzzled.
"I'll call you later." I said softly. "Make sure you're okay."
He nodded. "Thanks, Josh."
"Remember I have my appointment with Dr. Guevarra tonight. I'll be late getting back here, if you're still here."
He nodded, his eyes already heavy with sleep. I stretched up and kissed him again. He was so incredibly delicate and yet so strong at the same time. He smiled as his eyes closed.
The day passed fairly quickly. Sam and I had a sandwich at lunch and talked about my therapy appointment. I was nervous but in an odd way excited. I was eager to discuss Kel with someone who could help me deal with him. I wanted to explain how the sight of the scars on his back made my stomach hurt and made me want to hurt someone in return. After eating I called Kel from a pay phone. He reported that he was feeling much better and was sharing a sandwich with Crystal and Tova. I warned him to keep an eye on his chips or Crystal would steal them from him. She was a salt junkie.
By quitting time I wasn't sure if I was coming or going I was such a tied up knot of nerves. Sam asked me if I was all right. I nodded yes. I changed out of my dirty, sweaty t-shirt and into a clean sweatshirt. My boots were returned to their place in the trunk and I put on my sneakers. I wasn't dressed up but I was at least a bit more presentable.
Dr. Guevarra's office was on the north tip of Lake Washington in one of the growing suburbs on the north side of Seattle. Much to my surprise his office wasn't in an office building at all. But instead in a renovated three story Victorian house. The front lobby was full of plants. A flight of stairs curved upwards to a lawyer's office and an accountant's office on the second floor. I smiled, that was a combination deserving of an award. Dr. Guevarra's office was on the main floor in the front. I pushed the door open and stepped into a large sunny room. There were more plants in there: sitting on tables and hanging from the ceiling; a tree took up one corner. I must have looked amazed as I turned around slowly because I heard a laugh from behind me. I turned quickly towards the laugh.
On my right was a large bay window. Placed in front of it was a desk with filing cabinets between it and the fireplace adorned with several kinds of ivy on the mantle. At the desk was a young woman. She was about 30 with light brown hair and a warm smile.
"Everyone reacts like that when they walk in," she said standing up. She held out her hand. "You must be Josh Sanclere."
"Yes, you must be Trina then. How's your son? Did he need stitches?" I shook her hand. Her grip was strong and confident.
She looked puzzled for a moment, then her face cleared and she smiled.
"Of course, you called Wednesday afternoon. Jake is quite all right and proudly showing off the four stitches on his chin to anyone who is willing to look ." She smiled.
I chuckled. "Sounds like my little brother first time he got stitches. Of course, he's had so many now its not a novelty anymore."
"Goodness, I hope Jake gets it out of his system now! His older brother has never had stitches." Trina laughed. "Anyway, I need you to fill out a couple papers for me."
She handed me a clipboard and explained what the papers were: a consent to treat form, a general health form and emergency contact form. I dropped my tired body into a soft looking chair and filled them out quickly. I decided to put Kel down for an emergency contact partly because he was home most of the time writing and partly because it made me feel good to write his name there. I returned the clipboard to Trina, who looked them over and complimented me on my handwriting.
Trina asked me to wait a minute and walked across the room to the other door. She knocked then went inside. After a couple minutes she came back out. Trina stopped in the doorway and held the door open.
"Come on in, Josh. Dr. Guevarra is ready to see you." She smiled.
I swallowed and walked across the room. She squeezed me on the arm as I passed her. I smiled gratefully at her. The inner room was wood paneled. There were two floor to ceiling windows with padded benches in front of them across the room from the door. Between the windows was a bookshelf stuffed full of books. There were bookshelves on either side of the windows as well. Several stuffed chairs were scattered around the room. There was a desk toward the back with a giant fichus tree behind it. My attention was caught by a movement on my left. I turned to see a petite dark haired man in his early 30s uncurl from a large overstuffed chair. He held his hand out.
"Josh Sanclere? I'm Alejhandro Guevarra. Please feel free to call me Alejhandro or Handro if that's easier," he said in the deep baritone I had heard on the phone. There was a slight trace of an accent that I hadn't heard on the phone.
"You are?" I said. " I mean Good to meet you, Alejhandro !" I stumbled over his name and blushed in double embarrassment. He smiled and pronounced it slowly for me: al-eh-HAHN-dro.
He chuckled. "Not everyone hears me before meeting me. I know this deep voice gives the impression of a large man. I was big for my age," he paused for effect, "when I was eight! Sit down anywhere. There's even a couch if you prefer that." He grinned up at me.
Alejhandro was perhaps 5'4" tall and about 140 lbs. His black hair was cut in a longish bowl cut much like Kaleb's ala Keanu Reeves. He had black eyes that sparkled. But the biggest shock was his face. The entire left side was one large mottled brown and white scar. A burn I thought with a shudder. The skin was puckered and "pulled" back towards his ear. Except for the scar tissue his complexion was a warm golden brown that put me in mind of honey. The skin around his right eye was also pulled back making it almond shaped; the left eye was round giving him the appearance of someone squinting one eye. His mouth was full lipped, a cupid bow. He gestured toward a group of chairs. I picked one, near the fireplace, that looked soft and sank into it with a sigh. Alejhandro sat in the one closest to me on my right. He tucked his legs cross legged up underneath him.
" Get comfortable, take off your shoes if you wish." He winked his good eye." All right, I usually devote a first session to getting to know one another. Rather like the first day of school but I try to be a friend not an authority figure. So no tests!" Alejhandro's eyes sparkled and he smiled. "You mentioned scars on the phone. So you can see why Lee Reicher called me for help."
I nodded. He went on "Lee says your boyfriend was severely abused as a child."
"Yes," I said.
"So was I. Oddly enough this scar on my face probably saved my life. It got me out of the house I was living in and into a far better environment." Alejhandro paused as if studying my reaction.
"Kel's scars are all over his body.. well almost all over. His face is unmarked though. And a couple other spots." I said swallowing. My stomach clenched.
Alejhandro leaned forward and put his hand on my arm. The touch was soft but so... comforting, like he knew what I was feeling. And he probably did.
"Well, some of that is possibly cultural. In the Mexican- American community marking someone's face is a sign of your dominance over them. Kel's father was middle to upper middle class Caucasian, correct?" I nodded. "He would be far more concerned with presenting an undamaged looking child for inspection than my uncle."
He leaned back in his chair. His fingers were knotted together in his lap but his eyes never left mine.
"I was two when my father went to prison for armed robbery. It was a mom and pop grocery store, he got 100$ for his effort... and 15 years in prison. My mother had been a borderline drug addict and upon moving back in with her family became a full time addict. A habit carefully cultivated by her eldest brother, my uncle. He was a mean hombre, and had no problems with using his fists on women or children." Alejhandro sighed. "I was nine, I don't even now remember what I did to make him mad maybe just that I was there. I had by this time reached a point where I was not going to give him the satisfaction of terrorizing me anymore, which, naturally enough, enraged him even further. He threw a boiling pot of coffee at my face. Or rather he threw the coffee from the pot at me. I remember seeing it coming and thinking `This is going to hurt.'"
I made a strangled noise back in my throat. I couldn't imagine what kind of life that child had had. My hands clenched into fists. Even though his eyes never left mine I knew Alejhandro saw my fists.
"It did hurt. But still I refused to give him the satisfaction of scaring me. However I, fortunately, turned my head enough that the most of the coffee missed me. And saved my eye as well. My cousins were terrified and the next day when the side of my face and my shoulder were a mass of blisters some of which had popped and were oozing dragged me to the neighbors who called the police. And an ambulance. Third degree burns, the skin on your face is very thin compared to other places on the body. I have had three surgeries on my face, skin grafts and the like. But in a way it was a gift."
"A gift?" I asked puzzled.
"Yes, it was so horrible no one could pretend it hadn`t happened or make up excuses. No one accidentally walks into a shower of boiling coffee. I was removed from the house as were my cousins. My uncle went to prison where he belonged. And I went to live with my Aunt Min, my father's youngest sister. Who, at barely 20 years old, took me in and made sure I got the medical and therapeutic help I needed. When I was 15, I met a new therapist. He wasn't taken in by Handro Guevarra's tough boy act and reached deep inside me and pulled out the real Handro. I have tried to repay him by specializing in helping victims of domestic abuse whether they are children, women or men. Its all the process of breaking a person down into a non-entity."
He leaned forward again. "I hope I can help you deal with what I call second hand smoke syndrome.' The abuse of a loved one. And it happens quite frequently unfortunately." His black eyes were serious. "So now tell me about yourself. Why you are here and perhaps if you have thought of it already what do you hope to accomplish by being here. I assure you that everything you say to me is confidential and never leaves this room. The only other ones here listening are the plants and to this date they have never repeated a word. You may, of course, tell Kel anything we discuss here. I cant tell him but you can, and that includes what I have said about my childhood. There is a lot of comfort gained in knowing you are NOT alone."
I leaned back into the chair and looked at the ceiling. A wooden fan was spinning slowly moving the air. I thought suddenly that my life was like that fan, spinning around and around. Two weeks ago I would have said it was very straightforward, but now I wasn't so sure.
I started slowly telling him about myself. I found he was easy to talk to, the same way Kel had been that first night in the club. He listened, his attention solely on me and what I was saying. I talked about growing up on a horse ranch. I told him about my family, especially about Anita. He nodded and tilted his head slightly, a gesture that made me think of a bird, although I suspected it might be to see me better.
"But Kel is so.. I don't know.. outside of my experiences." I looked down at my hands. " I get scared sometimes."
"Why scared?" Alejhandro asked.
"I just worry that I will mess him up, that I'll do something stupid."
The doctor shrugged. "We all do stupid things, say things we don't really mean."
"Yeah." I gave a snort of laughter. I told him about my feet and running the skin off of them.
"Hmm, and did you come to any conclusions from that incident?"
"Well.. I decided I obviously wasn't perfect." I grinned. "Maybe that's the problem I want to be perfect. I want to ALWAYS do the right thing."
"I think we all want be able to do that," Alejhandro said softly.
"Yes." I stared into the fireplace. There was a low fire, gas of course, more of a comfort than to give off any real heat. "But I so worry about hurting Kel through carelessness."
"Josh," I turned my head to the voice. Alejhandro had leaned forward again. His eyes were friendly, sympathetic. "Are you a careless person? Any 22 year old who can on his own choose to go to a `shrink,'" he grinned, "does not say careless to me."
I blushed and looked at my hands.
"You sound like my Mom. She says I am much too responsible for a kid my age."
The doctor chuckled again. "So my job is to help you be less responsible? If your Mom is anything like my Aunt Min, I'm a dead man." He grinned.
I laughed, a deep laugh that came up from my gut. Suddenly I felt a lot better.
"Seriously, I think that lightening up is really what you need. Maybe I can help you find a way to do just that."
"Thanks." I said. "And I just don't... I mean I want to be able to handle Kel's problems. With my sister there was always my parents around to fall back on if I got overwhelmed.. but now? There is only me. And Anita really WASNT my responsibility, maybe I always felt I could walk away from her at any time. I cant and won`t walk away from Kel."
I told him about the incident the previous week when Kel had forgotten to take his meds. I got chills again remembering how apathetic he had been, how distant. It was hard to tell a strange man about the experience, but after I did I felt so much better as if I had suddenly received help carrying a heavy load.
"Ahhh yes, schizophrenia is very scary. Both to the person watching and the person living with it. Together," he said (stressing the word together), "we should be able to equip you with some strategies for dealing with it."
He glanced at his wrist. "The hour is about up for today and I suspect you want to get home." He grinned again. "I remember how I felt after a week of working construction. So should we plan for next week? Or two weeks? Is your insurance paying?"
"My insurance will pay for twenty a year. Kel says he'll pay for the rest."
Alejhandro smiled, "All right then, lets plan for two weeks. So next time plan to roll up your sleeves and get to work!"
I laughed. It felt good to laugh. The petite man uncurled from his chair and stood up. I scrambled to my feet and looked down at the doctor. I was suddenly embarrassed about my height, I felt even more gangly than ever. Alejhandro laid his hand on my forearm and looked up at me. Amusement danced in his eyes, here was a man that knew a joke when he heard one.
"Two weeks from today then? Same time?" he asked.
"If it is okay with you."
He made dismissing gesture. "What's important is that it works for YOU."
I swallowed, I could feel tears prickling behind my eyelids.
"Thank you." I half whispered.
"You are very welcome." Alejhandro answered solemnly.
He walked me to the door. The outer room was empty. Trina had left already. The lights were turned down; the whole room had a jungle look and feel to it. I started to apologize to the doctor for keeping him so late but he waved it away.
"I am often here late. Linc has had to come remind me to come home more than once." He smiled up at me. "Trina is, of course, anxious to get home to the kids."
He walked with me to the lobby door. I stepped out into the lobby. Alejhandro followed me out.
"I need to water the plants out here. I tend to forget them, poor things. All right, Josh. I look forward to seeing you in two weeks. We'll work this out, I promise. Together." He shook my hand. His hand was small and delicate like the rest of him, but I was surprised at the strength in his grip. I suspected that there was a lot of street kid still in Alejhandro.
I looked around the lobby. "I love this building. Its absolutely beautiful. And so cozy." I said rapidly.
Alejhandro smiled. "Thank you. My partner,Linc, is an architect. He renovates old houses. This was one of his first ones. He uses it for his resume." Alejhandro grinned. "The chiropractor across the lobby is my cousin, Jorge. The lawyer and accountant on the second floor are friends from grad school. Our lawyer, Benjamin's, cousin rents the third floor as studio space. He's an artist, Linc put in a bank of skylights up there. Go up sometime and have a look around."
"I think I will. I am thinking of getting my independent contractor license soon." I said.
Alejhandro nodded and walked me to the outer door. We said goodbye and he locked the door so that when it shut it would be locked from the outside.
The drive back home left me with not a lot of time to think. By this time the traffic had melted off and I was able to get there in decent time. I was missing Kel terribly. I thought about what I had told Alejhandro about trying too hard to be perfect. Maybe I did or maybe I just felt that Kel needed someone he could always depend on. My head hurt. I just wanted to get home and hold and kiss my man.
Kel had dinner waiting for me. Homemade spaghetti, I remembered what he had said about loving dry pasta as a teen. The noodles were cooked to perfection, not under done but not mushy either. We shared a bottle of non alcoholic wine and each tried to monopolize the parmesan cheese. Tova and Crystal sat beside us hoping for an unexpected windfall. Kel slipped them each a meatball and I pretended not to notice.
Kel asked me about my appointment, how it had gone and did I like the doctor. I described the office to him.
"He's TINY, Kel," I said my voice echoing my earlier surprise. "I don't think he's much more than 5'4" tall! But he has this amazing baritone voice, I was sure on the phone hed be my height with Kalebs build!"
Kel laughed. I told him about the scar on Alejhandro's face and how he had got it. His eyes got huge and he sucked in his breath. I told him about how Alejhandro's eyes always seemed to be on me. He nodded.
"Dr. Reicher is that way as well. She likes to sit on the edge of her desk and it seems that no matter how much I pace every time I look at her she is looking back at me."
"That was something I wanted to ask you. You always call her Dr. Reicher, Dr. Guevarra says I should call him Alejhandro." I reached for a piece of garlic bread.
"Yeah, when I am there I call her Lee," Kel grinned. "But away from there I try to give her the respect she has earned and in my opinion well deserves. Besides I told you I like looking at her legs.. this reminds me I am ONLY looking!" His eyes danced with mischief. I laughed.
After dinner we washed the dishes and then fed the canines. Kel had bought some cat food for the momma cat in the alley. I found a pie tin under the sink and washed it up for him. He smiled his appreciation and kissed me before taking the food out to the alley. I took some water out in a rinsed out tuna can. Kel threw his arms around me and hugged me tightly. I rubbed his back. Such a small thing but it made him so happy. And happy was the way I wanted him.
We watched some TV for awhile but I was tired. It had been a long, emotional week. Consequently we were in bed by 10. I finally remembered to ask Kel if he wanted to go to the car show Saturday. He agreed that it sounded like fun and admitted to being curious about Xan.
"I have never know anyone deaf before," he said. "It will be an experience.. maybe I'll get another character out of it!"
I grinned. Xan was definitely an experience! I pulled Kel close and kissed him; the conversation died. Together our bodies moved against the bed and against each other. Together we explored each other and the passion that pulled us together and kept us together.
"Together," Alejhandro had said. Kel and I, together, would build our life and our relationship. Together we would love each other no matter what. Together....