Just Around the River Bend 13-14
Aloha Everyone! Woo Hoo! I am writing. I have been so caught up in school and my job that writing, my passion, my joy, had to be put on the back burner. Of course, not for long. Here is the next installment. A friend of mine, Mike, told me I should make a web page for my story, so I am gonna make it, hopefully by the time I finish writing this installment I will have it up and running.
I would like to thank everyone. I am too lazy right now to type everyone's name out.
E-mail me please. You do not understand how much e-mail means to me. I love e-mail... Spifty214@aol.com.
Disclaimer: If you are underage don't read this...yadda yadda yadda...don't know N Sync...yadda yadda yadda...whipped cream...yadda yadda yadda...Enjoy!
I don't have to urinate at the moment, however, I am listening to I Want You To Need Me, by Celine Dion, it's an awesome song!
**
Just Around The River Bend
Chapter Thirteen
In Your Every Dream
**
I pulled Lance close to me and we danced for a moment. He looked me in the eyes and I looked him in the eyes. That was all it took. It was like magic. We slowly and passionately kissed. It was a scene from a movie. An odd movie, but a movie at that. This was so good. It was beautiful. I hadn't had a moment like this since Kyle. And, Kyle would be the one to ruin my love life.
"Lance." I said seriously as I pushed Lance away. "I can't do this."
"Huh?" He asked with a slightly confused look on his face. "Why not?"
"I just can't. This isn't right, you and I aren't right. I can't do this Lance." I said and ran out of the room. I didn't know where I was going. Lance was standing like a statue not knowing what the hell just happened. I was running. What had I done? I hopped on an elevator and took it to the roof. It was a beautiful night. Not a cloud in the sky, just me and the stars and the quiet sounds from the city that never sleeps. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't it just wasn't worth it. I ruined it again. I had a chance with Josh, but I knew he wasn't the one. I had a chance with Lance, and what scared me, was that I was falling for him, and that maybe he was the one. Love, I had one chance with it, it failed, it hurt. I had convinced myself to just do my job and hibernate in my room. As the sun came up I went back to my hotel room and fell asleep on the floor, the only space left to sleep. I was awoken at eleven on Tuesday by Karen.
"Hey Jeff, wake up, breakfast is here." Karen said to me as she nudged my shoulder.
"Thanks." I said, rubbing my eyes. "Where is it at?"
"In Lance's room. Do you know what's wrong with him?" Karen asked.
"Karen, I don't want to talk about it, it's over. I don't want any romantic relationship with anyone, period." I said. I got up off the floor and went into my bathroom. I took a quick shower, shaved and got ready for the day. When I got out of the bathroom I was alone in my room. I went to Lance's room and there were Jill, Alli, Karen, Lance, and for some reason, Joey.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a friendly voice, looking at Joey.
"This is my hometown, just came back to see some people." Joey said as he chewed his food.
"Cool, when did you get here?" I asked.
"I got to the hotel about a half hour ago." He said. I made myself a plate of food and then sat down on the floor. Joey and Jill had taken a definite liking to each other. Alli and Karen were talking to each other about Europe and Lance was laying on his bed playing with his French Toast. Small talk went on through everyone minus Lance and I. I wasn't in a talking mood and it appeared Lance wasn't either. Joey, Jill, Alli and Karen decided to go shopping together. I thought it was a good idea. I told them I had to send a report to Johnny and take care of some family business and they understood. Lance said he needed sleep cause it had been a long night. The shopping crew left and I went back to my room. I got on my laptop and e-mailed Johnny a summary of how everything was going, and the plan for the next couple days. Wednesday and Thursday would consist of packing. Thursday night the crew would fly to Europe to get the first venue set up and then late Friday night the rest of us would come over. I e-mailed my brother and my sister and told them I couldn't make it to the party. As I closed my laptop there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and standing there was Lance, with an envelope in his hand.
"Hi." He said to me monotonously.
"Hi." I said in return.
"Can we please talk Jeff?" Lance asked me.
"No Lance, I am not going over this with you, I am sorry. I can't love you, I can't love anyone. It's not you, you're a great guy. I would love to be friends with you, but no more." I said.
"Please, Jeff, give me a chance. I love you." Lance said and tried to give me a kiss. I pushed him away.
"No Lance, you don't. You don't even know what love is. You aren't even openly gay, you don't know what love is." I said.
"Yes Jeff, I do. I am sorry you feel this way. Yesterday you were different. Just give it a chance, that's all I am asking of you." Lance pleaded with me.
"I...I just can't. I am sorry." I said to Lance, unable to look him in the eyes.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me that." Lance demanded.
"I can't love you Lance, I can't love anyone." I said, looking him straight in the eyes. I wasn't looking at his eyes, I was looking through him, avoiding the death stare he possessed.
"Ok Jeff. Here. I'll see you later." Lance said, and then walked away. He dropped the envelope at my door. I picked the envelope and shut the door. I didn't read it, I just buried it in my briefcase. I spent the rest of the day watching TV and laying around and writing in my journal. Ever since I was able to write I kept a journal.
--From now until otherwise stated the story will be pages from Jeff's Journal.
- Well, Jill and Alli went home. I didn't get to spend much time with them because they were all over Joey. I think something is going on between Jill and Joey. I guess I will find out soon. Right now I am on the plane to London. It's been a pretty decent flight. I am sitting next to Karen. Johnny is with us to see the first show and then he is going back. Josh and I talked, which went better than I expected. He told me that he is Bi, not gay, and that he and his ex girlfriend hooked up when he was at home. I could have said some things but I just kept my mouth shut. Lance is ignoring me, which I don't blame him.
- We are in Paris right now. The press over here is crazy. I thought things in the U.S. were bad, boy was I wrong. The London show went great. They made a few schedule changes and our last city now will be Munich. That is at the beginning of September. The guys and I have bonded, I am cool with all of them except for Lance, who is still giving me the cold shoulder. Oh well, what can I do?
- Sorry I haven't written you in a while, a month actually. Tonight is the last show in Berlin and then we are off to the final stop...Munich. We get home on the second of September and then have a bunch of publicity stuff to do. The guys are performing at the MTV Video Music Awards which is on the 7th. Jill and Joe have a pretty serious relationship going on. The guys are always picking on him because this is like the first time he has stayed with one girl. I think it's pretty cool. I talked to Jill the other day, she says everything at home is good. Dawn and I have also stayed in touch over this whole trip. We have been so busy, I just want to go home and sleep for a couple weeks. I told Dawn everything about Lance, I haven't even told Jill. She says I am doing the right thing, but lately I am doubting it. Lance is distancing himself from everyone and he has turned into a real asshole. He is screwing up during performances more and more now as well. I feel like it's mostly my fault. I came out to everyone when we were in Rome. They were cool about it and all that. They made a joke about who would be the next one to come out, and someone yelled Lance. If they only knew.
- Well it's August 31st. We fly home in two days. Tomorrow I am taking a couple of the guys to Neuschwanstein, which is a castle in the Alps in Germany. The show last night went horrible. Lance screwed up unbelievably. He tripped on stage. I am doing the right thing, right?
-- Back to Jeff's POV
At about eleven at night I got a call in my room. I picked it up and it was Dawn.
"Hola!" She said into the phone.
"Aloha" I said.
"How are things in Europe?" she asked.
"I want to come home. Things went absolutely horrible last night at the show. Lance screwed up so bad and I think it's cause of me. I am doing the right thing, right?" I asked.
"Hun, you ask me that every single time I talk to you, and every single time I tell you yes, because, if I tell you no, you will shut me out because I disagree with you, and this is something you feel very strongly about and all that other crap. But now, I am gonna be perfectly honest with you, you fucked up big time babe." Dawn said through the phone.
"Dawn, come on. I know I am doing the right thing." I said.
"Ok babe, whatever you say, so what time do you leave Saturday?" Dawn asked me.
"I don't know, let me look at my tickets." I said. I opened my briefcase and as I dug through all the papers I found my plane tickets. The staple was stuck on an envelope. I yanked the tickets out and the envelope landed on the floor. I couldn't recall what the envelope was from, and there was nothing written on the outside, so I opened it.
"Hold on a sec Dawn, I found something and I don't know what it is." I said as I started to read the letter.
"Ok." She said. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I had made a huge mistake.
"Dawn, sorry, but I have to go, I fucked up big with Lance." I said and started to hang up the phone.
"Halleluiah!" I heard Dawn yell as I hung the phone up. Reading this made me realize that I do love Lance. I love him! He loves me. What had I done? I ran out of my room with the letter in hand and went to his room. I knocked and knocked and there was no answer. I heard footsteps coming down the hall and it was Karen and Justin.
"Where's Lance?" I asked them nervously, noticing the upset looks on his face.
"We were about to ask you the same question. No one can find him anywhere." Karen said.
"Oh shit." I said. Karen understood what I was saying, but Justin had no clue.
"What?" Justin asked.
"Nothing." Karen and I said quickly.
"You're not telling me something, I want to know, spill it, one of you." Justin said, crossing his arms. Suddenly, it was like lightning. I knew were Lance was.
"Look Justin, I will explain everything when I get back. I know where he is, now both of you stay here, if you don't hear from me by one, I found him, ok?" I said.
"Ok, go Jeff." Karen said, with a small smile on her face. I started running.
"Wait..." Justin yelled, but Karen cut him off.
"You'll understand everything in a little bit. Call all the guys and get them back here." Karen said to Justin. That was the last I heard of their conversation. I found the nearest subway station and took it to a stop by the English Gardens. The night that Lance hit me, I told him about a place that I thought was beautiful. It's a big field and then a lake, in the English Gardens in Munich. I knew Lance would try to find it. I was right. When I made my way to the Gardens, I was out of breath, but, there on a bench next to the lake in the dark, I could make out Lance. I slowed down and walked toward him. I opened the letter up and when I got to him I kneeled in front of him. He was crying, and I think I was the last person he was expecting. Before he was able to speak, I put my index finger over his lips and started singing to him the song he put in his letter.
"I wanna be the face you see when you close your eyes
I wanna be the touch you need every single night
I wanna be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you
I wanna be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I wanna be the world to you I just want it all
I wanna be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
And all you ever need
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
'Coz I need you more than you could know
And I need you to never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are
I wanna be the face you see when you close your eyes
I wanna be the touch you need every single night
I wanna be your fantasy
And be your reality
And everything between...
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
'Coz baby I taste you, feel you, breathe you, need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you
I love you Lance." I sang to him. I pulled him up off the bench and pulled him into an embrace. We were both crying.
"I...I Love you too Jeff. I love you so much. It's hurt so much not having you be mine." Lance said and buried his head into my shoulder.
"I am so sorry Lance. I was so stupid. I read your letter. Just a song, but the words say so much. After Kyle, I never thought I could love again, he hurt me so much Lance. When you came along, I didn't want to get hurt again, I didn't want to deal with love again. Just having you in my arms right now feels so good. It's worth it." I said. We were both a mess. There was a flash of light, which I dismissed as lightning because it was starting to drizzle and thunder.
"I want to tell the guys. I want to tell them I love you." Lance said. He sounded so sure of himself. I wasn't going to argue with him.
"Ok, Lance." I said.
**
Chapter Fourteen
Once Again
**
We walked back to the hotel in silence, just enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms. We walked the whole way, which took us a good hour. There were a few people that stared at us, but none of them realized who Lance was. We broke apart as we got to the front of the hotel.
"Are you ready for this Lance?" I asked, placing my hand under his chin and looking him in the eyes.
"Yes, I am ready." Lance said to me, sounding not quite as sure as he was an hour ago. I gave him a quick gentle kiss on the lips and then we parted. We made our way to the elevator and pressed the button for our floor.
"Jeff?" Lance asked.
"Yeah?" I responded as I looked at him.
"Would you please hold my hand?" He asked me quietly.
"It would be my pleasure." I said as I took his hand into mine. I could feel it. I could feel the love between us. The elevator doors opened and we walked towards Lance's room. As we made our way down the hall way Karen walked out of one of the rooms and immediately noticed us.
"You found him!" She said loudly as she ran up to us.
"Actually Karen, we found each other." Lance said as he held up our intertwined hands. Karen stood in front of us with a smile on her face. The smile, however, quickly faded into a look of concern.
"What about the guys?" Karen asked Lance.
"I want to tell them. Tonight." Lance said.
"Ok, well they are all in my room. Are you ready right now?" Karen asked.
"Can you give me and Jeff a minute?" Lance asked.
"Sure, take your time. I was just coming out to see if you two were back yet, and it looks like you are." Karen said and then turned around and walked back to her room.
"Thanks Karen." Lance said.
"Anytime." Karen said, still walking towards her room. She opened the door and closed it after she entered, for the moment, it was just Lance and I.
There was a few moments of silence between us. Not really what I'd call an uncomfortable silence. We were both deep in thought. The realization of what Lance was about to do started to sink into the both of us. I turned and looked Lance directly in the eyes
"You still wanna do this babe?" I asked.
"I am so scared Jeff." Lance said in a whisper as a tear rolled down his face. I immediately pulled him into a hug and he held on tight.
"Everything is going to be ok Lance. You don't have to do this if you don't want to." I whispered in his ear.
"I want to do this. I love you, and I don't want to hide it from the most important people in my life." He said.
"I love you too Lance." I said. We stood there holding each other in silence for a few moments and then we broke apart.
"Ready?" Lance asked me.
"I am ready, how about you?" I asked him.
"Ready as I'll ever be." Lance said. We walked down the hall holding hands. When we got to Karen's door I let go of his hand.
"I don't think it's a good idea if we walk in there holding hands." I said.
"Ok, that sounds like a good idea." Lance said a little uneasily.
"It's gonna be ok." I said as Lance turned the door handle. This was it, the moment of truth. Lance walked in ahead of me and all the guys immediately were ecstatic over Lance's return and me finding him. They all got up and gave him a hug and after everything settled down, it was time to explain everything. I sat next to Lance on a couch, with Karen on the other side of him.
"So what happened Lance?" Joey asked.
"Yeah dude, you had us all worried." Chris said.
"I have had a lot on my mind lately, I just needed to get away from everything." Lance said. He took a deep breath as if he was in front of the firing squad about to be executed.
"I...I'm gay." Lance said quietly. There was a moment of silence and then Lance continued "And Jeff and I are in love with each other." I took Lance's hand in mine and he squeezed as hard as he could.
"Whoa, wait a second, Jeff's gay?" Chris said quite loudly.
"Yeah, you didn't know that?" I said, I thought everyone knew I was gay. I didn't tell all of them directly, but I knew Justin and Josh and Lance knew from me. I assumed Alli told Joey and he would tell Chris.
"Noooo. Thanks for keeping me outta the loop guys." Chris said with a look of mock hurt on his face. At first we all thought he was pissed and then he broke out laughing.
"What's so funny?" Karen asked.
"It's just that, first Josh is bi, and we were all kinda surprised about that one. But Lance, there's never been a question in my mind of whether he was gay or not. I've just been waiting for him to tell us. Sorry buddy, but it's kinda obvious." Chris said.
"Yeah, I mean, no offense Lance, but you've always been a little uhm, flamboyant is guess is the word I am lookin for." Joey said.
"As long as your happy Lance." Justin said.
"Amen my brother!" Josh said. It made us all laugh, which really lightened the atmosphere. Lance let out a long sigh. He felt like the weight had been taken off of his shoulders. Rightly so, it had been a long month for him.
"Well, the German club scene is at it's peak right now, who wants to go out and have a good time?" Justin asked excitedly.
"I do!" Everyone exclaimed except Lance and I. They tried to convince us to go out with them, but we declined. Everyone went to their respective rooms and got ready to go out. Karen, Lance and I were together for a moment.
"Congratulations." Karen said and pulled Lance and I into a hug.
"Thanks." Lance and I said in unison.
"Now you two scram, I have to get ready. Have a good time tonight." She said as she closed the door that we just passed through. Lance turned to me. He was biting his lower lip and looking at the floor.
"So, uhm, do you want to go back to my room?" Lance asked me. He looked exactly like a little kid, wanting that cookie from the cookie jar.
"Sure." I said. Lance and I walked hand in hand to his room. He unlocked and opened the door and let me lead the way in. It was surprisingly clean. Everyone else had trashed rooms. Lance's room was always clean. He turned on the lights and closed the door. I plopped down on the bed and laid back. Sat on the side of the bed near my stomach and looked at me in the eyes.
"Thank you, for helping me through that." Lance said and leaned down and placed a kiss on my lips. "I love you."
"I love you too Lance." I said as we parted.
"Is it ok if I go change out of these wet clothes really quick?" Lance asked me.
"Sure, go right ahead." I said to him. He smiled and ran into the bathroom. He lightly shut the door and left me alone on his bed. I was extremely exhausted. All the emotional drain from the past month plus a lack of sleep was catching up to me. I stripped down to my undershirt and boxers and crawled under the covers. Lance came out right as I was somewhat comfy in his bed. He changed into pajama bottom pants and a black t shirt.
"Comfy?" He asked me as he walked toward me.
"I'd be a lot more if you were here next to me." I said to him, patting the empty bed next to me.
"Ok." Lance said, with a smile growing on his face. He laid in bed under the covers on the opposite side of the bed as me.
"Come on Lance, I don't bite... too hard" I said. Lance scooted closer to me.
"I've never done this before." Lance said.
"What?" I asked.
"Slept with someone." Lance said, sounding a little embarrassed.
"Well, don't worry. Whatever happens, happens. Sleep right now is my top priority." I said. I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his chest. He wrapped his arms around me and we fell asleep. For the first time in a long time, I felt love.
TBC...
Well everyone, there is the next installment. The webpage is up, it's spifty214.homepage.com. Check it out. The new chapters will be put up as soon as I finish there. Please e-mail me. Spifty214@aol.com.
Sorry for the delay. When the story is all said and done, I plan to have around sixty chapters. Right now I am working on fifteen. I may not update for about a month, but I will be writing. So the next update on the archive should go up to chapter twenty hopefully. Till then, take care of yourself, and each other.