JUST FOR A FEW DAYS 3
USUAL DISCLAIMER
"JUST FOR A FEW DAYS" is a gay story, with some parts containing graphic scenes of sex between males. So, if in your land, religion, family, opinion and so on this is not good for you, it will be better not to read this story. But if you really want, or because YOU don't care, or because you think you really want to read it, please be my welcomed guest.
JUST FOR A FEW DAYS
by Andrej Koymasky © 2021
finished writing 12 July 2006
translated into English by the author
text kindly reviewed by Tal
CHAPTER 3
THE RETURN
Coming out of the shower, Daneel dried himself and pulled on his pyjamas. He went into the kitchen to prepare something for dinner. Again, like every time after sex, conflicting feelings stirred within him. On the one hand he regretted having fallen yet again, on the other, he had to admit it had been enjoyable. Not only exciting, not only libidinous, but also very pleasant, at least during and immediately after. And it was good for his spirit.
His soul was sick. He rejoiced in something he knew was wrong. The doctor had assured him years ago, he was neither physically, nor mentally, ill. But the fact remained that what he had done was judged a horrible vice, by the Church, society, and his own mother. Why? It was like a drug that opens the gates of heaven, but leaves you frustrated and ruins your mind.
In truth, frustration was born from a sense of guilt, from the fear of being discovered by his mother, and the fear of being rejected by everyone. And it was precisely this that blocked his relationship with Jean-Marie Dubois. The sweet, handsome, and tender, Jean-Marie, the thought of whom made him smile. Hearing his name resound in his mind, the image of his face, wiped the frown, momentarily, from his brow.
Jean-Marie was a year older than he was. They had met eleven months ago, or rather, exactly eleven months and eight days. It was during a rock concert, and they found themselves standing next to each other. Both were enthusiastic about the music and the show. Immediately, Daneel felt strongly attracted to the guy, and tried to imagine how they might get together. He needed to give a sign that he was gay. He felt himself turned upside down as he desperately wanted to make love with him.
At one moment during the concert, Jean-Marie had moved close to him so as to be heard above the music.
"It's really cool, isn't it? I love this music!"
Daneel smiled and nodded vigorously. He lost himself in those eyes, he didn't think he had ever seen eyes so bright, so pure, so clear, so honest in their expression.
Following the rhythm, they swayed with the crowd, like a rolling sea, their bodies often touching. Daneel was quickly aroused, and began to multiply these slight encounters of their bodies. From time to time Jean-Marie smiled radiantly. Daneel read his lips which mimed, "Cool, very cool, beautiful."
After the concert, they flowed out of the stadium, pressed between the stream of boys and girls, still excited and happy about the brilliant concert. Daneel made sure not to lose sight of Jean-Marie, staying by his side. When they were out and everyone dispersed, either in small groups or alone, Daneel was still wondering how to could hook this magnificent boy.
Jean-Marie smiled at him, held out his hand and said, "I'm Jean-Marie Dubois."
"Hi, I'm Daneel De Smet. Great concert, wasn't it?" He said, shaking his hand and feeling a long shiver of pleasure at the brief contact.
"Yes, fantastic. Do you want to come and have a beer with me? Do you have the time? "
"Yes... yes, of course. With pleasure."
"I have all their CDs, you know? The walls of my room are covered with their posters. At home, they make fun of me, joking and asking me when I'll get married to them." He smiled, and Daneel was lost in that fresh, clean, charming smile.
He felt a very pleasant thrill. They entered a bar, sat down and started talking. First about rock music, then gradually about themselves. It was almost as if each of them wanted, perhaps unconsciously, to know all about the other.
Daneel was completely fascinated with Jean-Marie's personality. He wanted to understand what drove him, his hopes and desires. But he found it difficult, despite his own feelings, to take even the tiniest step towards him. Unlike other guys he'd met, he wanted to hug him, to kiss and caress him, and he would be satisfied with that. Rather than sex, for the first time, he wanted to conquer the heart more than the body.
It was Jean-Marie, who before they parted company, suggested they meet again. Daneel accepted with enthusiasm, although he tried not to let it show too much. Thus, they began seeing each other.
Daneel realised he had never met, never before known such a special boy. He fell madly in love, but this made it even harder to try and get him into bed. Because he knew all too well, that if they slept together, his guilt would force him not to see him anymore, to avoid him, and to cut off all contact. Just like with Robert, his neighbour.
Robert had tried for awhile to meet him again, but without success. Daneel, whenever he saw him, although he felt very attracted to him, avoided him and ran away. Then Robert's family moved in and Daneel breathed a sigh of relief.
Well, he didn't want this to happen with Jean-Marie.
Then after a couple of months during which time they'd met often, one day Jean-Marie said to him: "You know I'm really good with you? I've never felt so good with anyone like I do with you."
"Me too." Daneel replied.
"Yes, I feel it. But I... see... I hope... I hope you will understand that nothing will change between us. But I have to tell you something."
Daneel presumed his friend was perhaps embarrassed and he suspected Jean-Marie understood he was homosexual. Therefore, he was trying to tell him that being good friends was fine, but absolutely nothing more.
Instead Jean-Marie, blushing delightfully, told him: "I have fallen in love with you!"
Daneel looked at him with such a surprised expression that Jean-Marie whispered, uncertainly: "These things can happen. In fact I am gay, and I like you very much."
In a low tone, almost trembling, Daneel replied: "Me too. I'm gay too and I too am in love with you. But I... I don't want to be gay. I... I cannot... I cannot..." and he explained all his inner drama, all his desperate struggles against himself, and his deep uncertainty.
Jean-Marie listened to him.
"I understand," he said. "I don't want you to start avoiding me because of a night of sex. But, I love you. I cannot change that."
"I love you too, Jean-Marie, but..." Daneel told him, shaking his head slowly, full of heartfelt emotion.
"Until you resolve your inner conflict, it's not a good idea that we get together."
"When will I ever be able to solve it? I've been trying for six years now."
"But, Daneel, you are not trying to find any inner balance. You are simply fighting against your nature. Until you accept yourself, you will never have peace."
"My nature?"
"Yes. We are not an accident of nature. A minority, because no more than one in ten is like us, but nature made us this way. We can delude ourselves that we can change, but... "
"I did not even manage to delude myself." Daneel said, in a disconsolate tone.
"And maybe it's better that way."
"But it's hell. You... I feel strongly attracted to you. It's not just for sex, but because I care so much about you. I cannot... I will not, lose you, but I cannot ever have you. I cannot give myself to you."
"I love you. So... I'll wait until you're ready."
"Until when? Maybe I'll never be ready. I like making love, I like it a lot, but afterwards, I feel dirty and ashamed. I run away, even though I know that I'll fall for someone again. "
"How can you escape from yourself, Daneel?"
Although, after that time, they had dealt with the subject again, although Jean-Marie tried to make him think, to reason, to understand that there was nothing wrong, nothing dirty in being gay, Daneel could not find peace with himself. But he was grateful to his friend for his patience and for the love that, even if never expressed physically, he continued to give him.
He finished eating and immediately washed up everything and tidied the kitchen, he didn't like to accumulate dirty dishes and pots. Then he went into the living room, sat down on the sofa, took the remote control and was about to use it when he heard the doorbell ring.
And who is it, at this time? he wondered, looking at his watch. It was twenty past nine. He got up to go and see who it was, opened the door and... his heart almost stopped.
"Dad?" he murmured, in a choking voice.
Pauwels De Smet, his father, was there in front of him, a little smile on his face. The slightly receding hairline, the round glasses on the nose, exactly as he remembered him. He didn't seem to have aged. And he would have sworn, even if it was impossible, that his father wore the same clothes he had on the day he disappeared.
"Hello, Daneel. Are you going to let me in?" his father asked gently.
"Yes... Yes, of course... Come in... But..."
His father stepped inside, and headed towards the living room. He stopped, turned, and they faced each other. Daneel looked at him stunned, feeling tears press into his eyes.
"Dad..." he murmured, and his voice trembled.
Pauwels spread his arms in a silent invitation. Daneel threw himself into him, and the two hugged each other tightly, as Daneel burst into sobs. His father lightly caressed the nape of his neck.
"Where were you, dad?" he asked, pulling away from him and looking at him. "Where have you been, all these years?"
"Far away... Very far away."
"Why? Seven years, dad. Almost eight. I missed you. I missed you terribly! "
"I missed you too, Daneel... My Daneel."
"Why, dad?"
"We'll talk about it later. I'm back for you. Just for you."
"But mom. She remarried. The court declared you dead!"
"I know."
"And the two of you? What will you do now? What's going to happen? "
"I'm not going to get back with your mother. I waited for her to leave with her new husband, before I came to see you."
"But when it becomes known that you're alive, her marriage will have no more value and..."
"Simply, we will not say anything to anyone. I will not let anyone see me and..."
"Will you go away again? Will you leave me again?"
"I wish I didn't have to, but..."
"Have you also remarried? Where do you live, now?"
"No, Daneel, I'm alone."
"Take me away with you, then!"
"It's not possible. But I... I felt you needed me, which is why I came back."
"But I... for eight years I needed you, Dad!" he said, crying, but without any reproach in his voice.
"I understand, but I couldn't come before. It wasn't possible for me to come back, I could not."
"How long can you stop here?"
"A few days. While your mother and stepfather are in Portugal and until... Until we've talked, you and me."
"Talked, dad? Talked about what? "
"About you. And then, if you want, about me as well."
Daneel hugged him again, tightly: "You didn't have to go, Dad. You didn't have to disappear like that."
"I know, son, I know. But, I couldn't do anything else. It wasn't up to me. Your mother and Jaspar, her lover, forced me to leave. "
"Jaspar? He was my mother's lover? "
"Yes."
"And... and you knew it but..."
"I found out later. But we'll talk about me over the next few days. Right now I'm here for you, even if it is only for a few days. Because I know you need me now, and because you're finally alone, those two are not around, your mother and her husband. So we can talk for a long time, without any problem."
"Oh, Daddy! Dad, how much I missed you! You're not dead. I knew it, I felt it. And you're here." Daneel told him.
He caressed his cheek, feeling the slight bristle. "Will you stay here? At home, with me?"
"Yes, I will."
"And, will you sleep in your bed, in mom's bed?"
"Maybe, we'll see."
"But for these eight years, didn't you meet another woman?"
"No. I didn't feel the need, the necessity, nor the desire. No more sex for eight years."
"And how could you do that? I..." Daneel started to say, but then he stopped and blushed, and lowered his eyes.
"I know, that's why I came back to see you, why I'm here."
"You know? How can you know? But then... then you... you didn't ever lose sight of me? You lived here in Namur? "
"Yes, you could say that."
"But where? How? We... we all have been looking for you; everybody. Us, the police..."
"I'll explain it to you later. I feel your heart is restless and not just for me, not just because of my return. "
"Restless, dad? It's a big mess, not just restless. My heart, my head, my whole life is a big mess. "
"Unfortunately, I failed you just when you needed me most."
"Oh, dad." Daneel moaned.
"Come, let's sit down." Pauwels guided him to the sofa.
They sat side by side and his father took his hand in his, they looked at each other and exchanged smiles.
"Come on, you'll see we'll be able to put everything back in order... everywhere. Even if it's tiring and a little difficult. A little painful. But, trust me. I'm back just for this. You do trust me, don't you? "
"Daddy. Oh, daddy. I love you!"
"And I love you too, Daneel. Unfortunately, I could not do as much as I would have liked. As much as I should have done. But now I'm here. "
"For a few days... I... tomorrow morning I'll phone to the archive and tell them I'm sick... at least I can stay here with you..."
"A good idea."
"I hope they don't make any difficulties. Maybe they'll send me for a medical examination, but... oh, dad!" he exclaimed again, his heart overflowing with emotion.
"No, you will see that they will not make a fuss. We can be together quietly. You've really grown. And handsome with it."
"You don't seem to have changed at all! You're always the same." Daneel said.
"Perhaps. But it's different for you, you were thirteen when I left and now you're twenty-one. Life has moved on at a pace. So where do we start, Daneel?"
"Start?"
"Don't you want to open your heart to me? Tell me what this mess is that you say is your life?" His father had a sweet smile, squeezing his hand.
"It's not easy, Dad. But it's really a mess, believe me. The fact is, I'm not like other guys, Dad."
"Who of us is the same as anyone else?"
"Yes, but not like that, the majority of the other boys."
"You have two legs, a nose, a mouth."
"Come on! The difference is not there. The fact is that I... God, dad, I don't know how to tell you. If mum knew it... it would be a tragedy."
"Yes I know. She has very clear ideas about certain topics. Or she believes she has them. If you were not born out of our marriage, I would say that I made a mistake to marry her. But this is part of the past. Why don't you get everything out, tell me and clear the air? "
"But then you... you wont..."
"I love you, Daneel, and my love for you will never change, whatever you tell me. Anything! I'm here for you, don't forget it. I'm here to help you."
"Daddy I'm... I... Oh, Daddy, I... I'm gay!" Daneel finally said, and began to cry, silently, and tremble.
"Yes. So?" his father said gently, wiping the tears with his fingertips.
"So? So... So I feel dirty, wrong, but... that... that I just... can't become... normal. "
"What does it mean to be normal, Daneel?"
"Like... like everyone else. As my mother would like me. How the Church teaches. As society wants."
"Like everyone else? And how are they, everyone else?"
"They screw women!" he almost shouted.
"Ah, and is it normal to have sex with a woman? Maybe with a prostitute... or with a girl that you deceive, that you trick, just to be able to have her. Just to satisfy your lust, to use her? Is it normal to cheat on your wife with another? Or maybe not cheating on her, but using her just for your own pleasure, like an object? "
"No... of course not."
"Good. Therefore, excluding all those who act like this, how many normal people are there? A minority, believe me. As sad as it may sound, it's only a minority. So, if it's a minority, it's not the norm, correct?"
"Well... no... that's true... but..."
"Then you talk about how mom would like you."
"Yes, indeed. Mother hates gays, she despises them, they make her sick."
"Yes, I know. But can it be considered normal to be like your mother, or for a father who wants his son to be like him? Is it normal for a husband to be the man his wife wants him to be, rather than himself? Then what about parents, are they the parents their children would want? We cannot be like others would want us, because everyone would want us different. We can never adhere to everyone's image, each of us must be as he is, as he wants and can be."
"But what about everyone else, those that don't accept you?"
"The important thing is that everyone accepts himself. If the other people don't accept you, the problem is theirs, only theirs. Then you say it's normal to be like the Church teaches?"
"Yes, isn't it?"
"Which Church? Every Church asks its faithful something different. Which one is right? The Church where you were born? In which, by pure chance, you were born? And then with your Church, who is right? The leaders or the congregation? The Church of today or of that of a hundred years ago, or what that will be in a hundred years from now? At one time our Church, thought it was normal to fight crusades, normal to pass judgement with the Inquisition and burn people at the stake. Maybe simply because the person was epileptic, but in those times it was said that they were possessed by the devil! There are Churches who say being gay is normal, others that it isn't, still others that don't deal with it. The Church, at least as an organisation, is nothing but an instrument of power, which is especially interested in preserving power."
"But it says that being gay is a mortal sin, because it goes against the teaching of the bible."
"It also said that believing that the earth revolves around the sun was a mortal sin, because it went against the teaching of the bible. The bible should be the word of God. A confusing word, it seems to me, to really come from God. And the Church as an organisation applies some rules and ignores others, according to the times. Depending on what is convenient or, at best, depending on how much the myopia of the hierarchy believes it is right. Church teachings do not have much more value than other teachings. Because it's all the work of men, with all their prejudices, their limits, and their interpretations."
"But in the bible it is plainly written that having sex between two men is a serious sin."
"Yes, and it says nothing about two women, lesbians, therefore, that would be fine and the gay men wrong? And the so-called word of God, accepted that a man had many wives. Now the Church says, on the contrary, that polygamy is a sin. Oh, of course it also says good things, like: do not kill, but it admits that you can kill in war. That the state kills criminals, and the Church itself has promoted wars and killed innocents."
"It's not like that anymore, not today."
"Exactly. And who tells you that your Church one day will not fully accept gays, as some Churches already do? If the Church really knew the word of God and applied it, it would never change its mind on anything. The fact is that the Church itself, at least the part that is in good faith, admits that it does not yet fully understand the word of God, and that therefore it is logical to change. And then, each of us, if we think we belong to a Church, must listen carefully to the teaching, then decide with his head, according to his own conscience."
"Mother always goes to church and always takes communion and..."
"Yes, even when she went to bed with Jaspar, or with Petrus, before marrying him. Then, you tell me that to be normal you should be like society tells you. Society! What's that? A jumble of people, each with different ideas one from the other. Is it right and normal to be right or left? Society gives itself laws, and changes them according to the epoch, according to the people, according to predominant ideas or necessity. You can never be normal for everyone, not even for the majority. The fundamental thing is not to harm others, not to use them for your own purposes, to respect all those who do not do evil and who respect others."
"But then... would it be normal to be gay too, dad?"
"It's normal that the left-handed is left-handed, that the blond is blond, that a man walks on two legs and the dog on four... and that a gay is gay."
"But homosexuality is a vice, dad."
"A vice? A vice is the disposition to do evil. A vice is smoking, because it damages the body, taking drugs, getting drunk, for the same reason. A vice is gambling, because it brings misery to those who waste all their money and their family who are innocent. A vice is anything that causes damage. "
"Doesn't a gay man harm society, because he doesn't have any children?"
"So all our priests, the pope at the head, are vicious, at least when they observe the vow of chastity." Pauwels laughed, and Daneel smiled too.
"Dad... but why am I gay and not straight?"
"Why are you a male and not a female? Why do you have black hair, not brown or blonde? Why are you a Belgian and not a... Chinese or an African?"
"But I... I feel dirty, wrong."
"Like the black slaves felt, because they heard it from the church. The sons of Cham, destined by God to honour the white man, to be slaves, and to serve the chosen people, that is the whites. Still, they were not. They are not. You see, Daneel, if the teachers, the parents, keep repeating to a boy that he is stupid, unless he is a person with a very strong character, he is convinced that he is, and does not develop his intelligence. But you must be strong, don't let yourself be fooled, don't vilify yourself because of what other people say about you and your sexuality. "
"Mom will never accept me?"
"Probably true, she wont accept you, although she doesn't know all this yet. But, as I told you, the problem is with her. The person who is wrong is her, not you. In the world of the blind, the one who sees is abnormal. You are intelligent, good, honest, healthy, beautiful, and the fact that your sexuality is oriented in a minority way, so to speak, does not change anything in your value as a person. "
"The doctor told me I'm not sick."
"Exactly. But even for doctors, it took forever to understand that. How many poor boys have been cured and therefore ruined, by the beliefs that doctors had in the past! All minorities have always had to suffer, and still have to, before being accepted. Unfortunately."
They debated for a long time, until it became late.
"Maybe it's time to get some sleep now? We will have time to continue this over the next few days..." his father told him.
"Yes, dad. And tomorrow morning I'll call the newspaper to tell them I can't come in. Dad... I love you so much! Thank you for coming back, even if only for a few days."
"I love you very much, Daneel. I respect you and admire you. I hope you can grow calm and strong and have a happy, happy life. You will need a lot of strength, son. A lot, a lot of strength."
They went to sleep. When Daneel was in bed, he stayed awake a long time, staring at the ceiling, dimly lit by the reflection of the street lamps. He thought to himself, on the other side of the wall was his father... his father... and he felt grateful, a warmth enveloping him.
But why had he disappeared? Why had he left home? Why hadn't he told him anything before leaving? Why hadn't he taken his son with him?
He fell asleep with these questions resounding in his head. Thinking that in the following days, maybe his father would answer all those questions.
When he opened his eyes in the morning, he remembered his father, and sat up in bed. He wondered if it hadn't been a dream. He got out of bed and started to go to his mother's room to check, but his father's voice came from the open door of the living room.
"Daneel! Good morning!"
So it wasn't a dream. He entered the living room and saw his father sitting on the sofa, smiling at him.
"Daddy, have you been awake long?"
"A little. Remember, you have to call the newspaper. In the meantime I'm going to prepare breakfast. "
"Yes, dad."
It was so beautiful, to be able to say that word again: Dad! He made the call. His boss told him not to worry and to get better quickly. He didn't even ask him what he had. He went into the kitchen. His father was finishing preparing breakfast. He looked at him and thought that his father was fantastic! Why? He couldn't put it into words, but he felt it. He sat down at the table.
"Done. The boss only told me to get well soon. "
"The sooner we can put order in your mess, the sooner you'll recover."
"There's one thing I don't understand, Dad."
"One only? You're lucky." his father told him, with a cheerful smile.
"Well, maybe more than one. But, how come whenever I was doing something with a boy, mom was always talking to me about gays and how they make her sick. Almost as if she knew I had just fuc... done those things."
"Fucked. What is it? Are you ashamed to say it? One must only be ashamed when he does something bad. Because of a kind of sensibility I think. And a way to keep you under her control. Deluding herself, in this way, so as not to let you take what for her is a very ugly road. "
"So, Dad, according to you, Mum understood. She sensed who I am, that I'm like this?"
"I don't think quite that. Let's say she was afraid you might be gay. If she knew, or she was convinced that you were, she would have said something."
"For you, Daddy, it would not bother you to know that one night, I brought a boy here. One who I met at the cinema."
"Yes?"
"And before... during, I mean... while we were fu... cking... I liked it, I was happy. But later, like the other times, I had to take a long shower because... "
"Because you felt dirty."
"Yes, that's right, and then, I had to go and confess, because..."
"To clean yourself, inside."
"Exactly."
"All wasted effort."
"I know, in fact I keep falling from grace."
"No. It's all a waste of effort because you're not really dirty either inside or out. Daneel, what matters is that you've never forced anyone, you've always done it with whoever wanted and was pleased to do it with you. If you forced someone, whether by physical force or blackmail, threats, deception, then you would be dirty. And then, however, you make love, if it's not only for mutual desire, not only for mutual pleasure but out of love, then it is the most beautiful thing there is. You're in love, are not you? "
"How do you know?" Daneel asked, amazed.
"Let's say that because I love you, I can see inside you."
"And you love me as before, even now that you know I'm gay?"
"Why, you would not like me as before if by chance you discovered that I'm gay?"
"Of course I would, but maybe because I'm gay."
"Maybe. So you would not love me anymore if, for example, you found out that I was cheating on your mother? "
"Yes, I would, but I would feel sad."
"Of course, because cheating is bad, because I would have wronged your mother. But no, after our marriage, I never cheated on her. "
"Well, but then, it wouldn't be cheating. Did you really never cheat on her? "
"You don't believe me?"
"Yes, I believe you. But things... were not good with mom, right? That's why you left."
"No, they were not good, the last days."
"Days? Was it just a matter of days?"
"Yes." his father answered, then changed the subject: "But with that boy you are in love with, there's never been anything, right?"
"With Jean-Marie? No. He would like to, but I didn't want to, because... because I know that, then... then I would avoid him as I have always done with others. I don't want to lose him, but neither really do I actually have him."
"You just have to understand that... that especially if you love each other, not only is there nothing dirty, but quite the contrary."
"But... but we should see each other... and do it, secretly. I, if only I could... if only I could... change... I'd love to be able to live with him... But I know it's just a dream. "
"Why only a dream?"
"Because I have not accepted myself yet... and because as long as we both live with our families."
"If one believes in dreams, sometimes they are realised. And if you're strong, I am sure that with your Jean-Marie you can live together. "
CONTINUES IN CHAPTER 4
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