Author's Note: Thanks for feedback. If you don't want to see people's comments and my reply, then skip down past the Peoples Comments section. All feedback or hints and ideas of what in include in the story can be sent to quistis15646@hotmail.com. Please leave a first name or nickname because I plan on putting everyone's comments into the Author's Note of the next chapter and if you give an idea what could happen and I use it, I want to give you credit.
Peoples Comments
David- Have you ever written before?
(Yes, I wrote a Buffy the Vampire Slayer slash story with Angel and Xander as the pairing.)
You are a truly amazing author.
(Well thanks, though I know I'm not the best, but thank you, that means a lot for someone who's hasn't written a lot of stories.)
I love how you give it subplot instead of jumping right into sex.
(God, I can't sand stories that jump right into sex either. It's like, it this just gonna be another porno story and the ones I've come across are.)
Bill- I think I am going to like this story.
(I hope you do, if you don't, eh, what can I say, I am an armature at this so I don't except the Noble Prize. I'm surprised that anyone read it at all.)
TampaJoey- 1) The reader was not introduced to the character in the beginning.
(When reading tips on how to write a good story, Nifty said don't start off introducing the character right away. Start in the middle of a scene.)
- No idea how the parents died, or why the cops knew where the home was, or the big brothers name and address. South Ashfield we learn later. Evidently this is in the Great Lakes Midwest? Most of the nation calls soft drinks soda, not pop.
(How the parents died wasn't said yet. Again, this is the first chapter, it'd seem boring if everything was told at once but don't worry, everything should be explained. You don't know how the cops know the where the Daniels home is because you don't know how the parents were killed. These two points go hand in hand as you'll see when it's explained. Lindsey's brother is introduced, but his address isn't because as far as I know, there isn't a city called Aeon and I didn't think to make one up but I can later. South Ashfield would be near the Great Lakes, yes. I've always called soft drinks pop and most people at my school do. What can I say; I just say something different than everyone else.)
- It is implied that Zack lives in another city. What city did the story start in?
(The story started in Aeon. Lindsey is just telling us what happened after he found out his parents were dead and why he's now living with his brother Zack in Aeon.)
- Evidently we are to assume Zack is a college student and works nights? Doing what?
(I planned on having Lindsey go with Zack to work in this chapter and it would be explained where Zack works and what he does.)
- Lindsey opened his door with an oriental marshal arts kick? We don't know that until waaaay after it happened
(Really? Because after it says Lindsey gives it a roundhouse kick, it states he pulls on the latch and the locker opens. Or did you mean that Lindsey knew Aikido. Do you really want to read two paragraphs of everyone's description? I'd get bored just writing them.)
- Most lunch trays are cleared and set on some sort of belt, not thrown away.
(At my school, our lunch trays are Styrofoam and food is placed in cut out slots in the tray. We're not a big school where I live.)
- Where does Zach work? What does he do that he can come home early?
(Same answer as question 4.)
Max- I read your first chapter of "Just Life". I think it is a very good beginning of a story. The situation where Lindsey and his brother are in is very clear. I think things go very fast at first but I think that is just because it is the first chapter and probably more or less a sort of introduction. I also like the fact that the story doesn't immediately start with a sex scene. I like to see things getting "built" up :-) I have a remark that maybe is situated to the place where I live but Lindsey is here an only girls name so I was confused in the beginning but when the story went on I did understand it. I like the name Lindsey.
(Looking up names on Baby Names World, I went to advanced search and typed in `water' in the what a name means box and Lindsey was a unisex name that came up and it reminded me of Christian Kane who played Lindsey McDonald on Angel the Series and Kane has blue eyes. Since my character has blue/green eyes, I chose Lindsey as his name.)
Chapter 2
I pulled myself out of bed and sluggishly made my way to Zack's nightstand and turned the alarm off. Yawning, I made my way to the bathroom to do through my morning routine. While brushing my teeth, I heard a knock on the bathroom door and Zack's voice. "Lindsey, don't forget that I can't pick up today so you need to find a ride home or walk down to Heaven's Night and tell the Host your there for me."
"Okay," I said after spiting toothpaste out of my mouth. It puzzled me for a second because I thought Zack worked at a car oil changing place. Stepping out of the bathroom, I figured I ask. "I thought you worked at the oil changing place?" Zack didn't look up from picking up laundry.
"Only on days I don't have class, otherwise I work at the restaurant. I have to be in early today because there's some gathering happening and they needed a few extra people," he said, dumping the laundry into the hamper. I nodded my head in understanding before waiting for him to leave the room so I could change out of tank top and shorts and get dressed for school. I chose to wear a pair of slightly looser then I usually wear jeans and a black, wide neck, three quarter sleeve, form fitting shirt. Running a brush through my hair, I shoved my notebooks into my backpack. Tossing the comb onto my bed, I pulled my hair into a pony tail near the crown of my head. Short layers escaped and dangled on the sides of my face as I bent to slide on and tie my black Sketchers shoes.
"Lindsey!"
"I'm coming, I'm coming," I replied as I lifted my backpack onto my shoulder and left the bedroom. "How can you get up so early, doesn't the alarm clock go off at 7:00?"
"No, it goes off at 6:30 and rings every five minutes until you get up at 7:00," Zack said as he slid his leather jacket on. We exited the apartment and walked down a flight of stairs to the first floor and left the building and climbed into Zack's black Ford truck.
My locker didn't stick today so I was happy for that. Sliding my backpack off, I placed it on the hook in the locker and took out my Geometry notebook. "Hey, Lindsey!" I turned to see who call my name and saw Taylor walking over to me. I didn't notice yesterday at lunch, but he was tall, around 6' maybe 6' 1''. I reached down and grabbed my Geometry book before closing my locker and turning to face Taylor. The white blonde guy from yesterday was with him. I noticed they didn't wear their football jackets today and were dressed casually which brought up a question.
"You guys are on the football team, right?" They nodded. "Well, some of the guys yesterday said see you at practice. Isn't football season over?" Taylor grinned.
"Oh, those guys are on the wrestling team, say they need something to do or they get bored. I don't wrestle because I don't like the sport so I just workout when we don't play football," he explained. I nodded my head. "Well, come on, we don't want to be late for first hour. See ya, Jay," he said, doing the knuckles thing with the white blonde guy. Jay turned and headed for the stairs to go the first floor while Taylor and I headed towards the middle of the hall for Mr. Hanson's classroom.
"Hey, Ben's having this party later tonight, wanna come?" Taylor asked me while we worked on our assignment. I looked at him.
"I don't know, teen parties aren't really my thing." With what happens at teen parties let alone college parties, I didn't want to be anywhere near one.
"Ah, come on man, it'll be cool and meet more people." I bit my bottom lip and thought about it.
"Well, I guess I could make an appearance," I said, giving in. Taylor grinned that I found to suit him nicely.
"Can you get there or do you need a ride?"
"Uhh..I'd need a ride," I said. If I was going to this party, I wasn't gonna tell Zack. Besides, I was only going for a few minutes so it wasn't like I was going to be gone long.
"Okay. Why don't you come to my house after school and we can hang out till we have to be there," Taylor suggested. I smiled.
"Yeah, okay.sure." Taylor grinned again before turning his attention to his work. I bit my bottom lip as I thought about what I was getting into.
After class ended, I went back to my locker to put away my math stuff and grab my English things. Closing my locker, I turned to start walking to class when someone caught my eye. He had medium brown hair with his short banes spiked up. He had amber brown eyes and judging by his, what I would call James Marsters as Spike on Buffy the Vampire Slayer outfit with the black, form fitting t-shirt, black faded jeans and biker boots, he looked like trouble, but hot trouble. He seemed as tall as my brother, maybe taller. I always did like tall guys, no incest intended. Everything about him seemed strong and in control and I could see the six pack abs through the shirt. I bit on my bottom lip as I let eyes quickly wonder over him.
I looked back to his face and we locked eyes. I didn't advert my gaze from the shock that I was most likely caught checking him out. He seemed to grin slightly. Our moment was interrupted when I felt someone bump into me. I looked to see a long strawberry red haired girl who looked like the `queen of fashion' walk by. "Watch we're I'm going," she said. I ducked my head slightly as I turned and headed to class. I didn't notice Jay fall in step with me until he started to speak.
"That's Carmen Miranda. She thinks she's above everyone else, but that's just to hide the fact of how big of a slut she is," he told me. I smiled and looked at Jay. He merely grinned as we entered Miss Nadanova's classroom.
I have to say that a long lunch period was invented for the purpose of us students to be free from classrooms. I wasn't complaining. Today I was able to get a salad for lunch so I took my time at the mini salad bar the school had to make what I called, a simple yet perfect salad. I headed for what I called the Jock Table', thinking was weird that twink like me was sitting at a table of jocks. But hey, I can't complain. I noticed the Spike impersonator' sitting with a group of people who all seemed to wear black, but they didn't look Goth so maybe one of those biker crowds. Either that or they were into S&M. I shook slightly at that disturbing thought. `Spike impersonator's eyes locked with me and we just stared at each other for a few seconds before one of his friends got his attention.
"So Lindsey, do you like Aeon?" Taylor asked as I sat down. The table seemed a little empty for everyone that was here yesterday. I tilted my head from side to side.
"Eh, yeah, it's a nice school, but I really haven't been out and about to see everything. Where is everyone?" Taylor seemed confused before his eyes looked around the table.
"Oh, some wrestling meet or something, I don't know really," he said, shrugging. "I could show you around Aeon if you'd like, take a little cruise to see what this place has to offer?" he asked, looking at me. I ducked my head and smiled.
"Not to seem rude, but why are you being so nice to me. You barely know me," I said, making eye contact. He grinned slightly.
"You were new and I thought you'd want a friend, you seemed like you needed one when you walked into the school with head ducked down." I blushed slightly at his comment.
"Thank you," I said.
"No problem," he said, putting up his hand to do knuckles with me. I grinned and pressed my knuckles against his before we started to eat our lunch.
The rest of the day was easy with only art and computer classes. It seemed like only a half hours had passed when the bell rand for school to be over. I grabbed my backpack from my locker and headed outside to find Taylor. I asked a passing by student where the student parking lot was and she told me it was around the east side the building. I told her thanks before heading to where she was pointed. Turning the corner, I stopped and looked at the hundreds of cars and let out a sigh. I hope Taylor was out here somewhere. I started to wander through the parking lot, looking to see where Taylor was, when a voice got my attention.
"You must be the new kid I heard about, the one with the eyes they said." I turned to see the `Spike impersonator' sitting a large motorcycle. I smiled lightly and ducked my head slightly. I heard him laugh softly. "It's seems shy too. What's your name?"
"Lindsey."
"I'm Axel, I-"
"What do you want West?" I saw Taylor coming over. By the looks both boys gave each other, it seemed they definitely didn't like each other.
"Just saying hey' to the new kid Caid, why you got a fucking problem with that?"
"Yeah, Lindsey doesn't run with your crowd so you can leave him alone."
"Last I check this was the city of Aeon, not Stuck-Up- Bitch." I tried to hold back a laugh that wanted to escape at Axel's insult. Taylor seemed to be fuming yet when he spoke, his voice was calm.
"With what you stick up your ass, I'm sure you'd know everything about being `stuck up'." Taylor dragged me off to his car before anything else was said and I could hear a motorcycle start and speed off. I wonder what the problem between them was.
Taylor drove me around the town for about an hour, showing me all the `cool' places. He stopped outside the Center Square mall, saying you didn't know how great it was until you went inside and he was right. It seemed larger and grander on the inside with two floors. He took me on a fast tour of the first floor but on the second floor, he took me into a few places like FYE Music, Hat World, and a few clothing stores. I was surprised when he took me to Dunham's, one of the mall's larger stores to show me around. I wasn't into sports, but I did like the track pants and sweat shirts you could by here, but I didn't feel like buying anything so Taylor took me to the food court.
The food courts itself was a giant circle where people can sit and eat in a fake garden with fast food and 3 restaurants around to choose from. I wasn't hungry so I only got something to drink while Taylor ordered a piece of pizza. We sat and talked for a bit before he showed me the rest of the stores around the mall. As we were checking out Spencer's, he said it was getting time to head to Ben's party. We left the mall and headed for Taylor's car, but I was nervous. I hoped it wasn't a crazy teen party.