I'm so sorry about the unbelievable amount of time it took for this chapter to be out, but I was stuck in finals. I know, I know. It's not a excuse, but I just couldn't touch my computer unless I wanted to fail half my subjects in college. For those who are still reading this, the next one isn't gonna take so long.
As a disclaimer, the usual. I don't know them, I don't know if this is real. It's all just my imagination.
To the love of my life. Even though we're apart, I always think of you.
Now with the story...
Just the truth By M. F. Luder
Chapter 8
Kevin fixed his gaze with the ceiling while laying down on the couch. It had been a horrible day, to say the least. He had an early meeting with management about the latest changed into the schedule. The tour wasn't gonna kick until another two months, but the promotional tour was starting in a week.
A week.
So little time! They only had one month off. And even then, they weren't totally 'off', they had to practice. Fatima wanted to change all the chorographies and they had to change costumes. It had been close to hell.
'Not so bad Richardson. You did met Matt.'
Matt.
The name kept ringing in his mind. It had been three weeks since he had met the younger man and everything had changed over night. He hadn't want to accept his feelings for the college student, but there came a point where he just couldn't help it anymore. That and the jealousy tantrum he had done had made the trick.
It had been about three days ago when they were all hanging out at Nick's house, Kate and Matt included. Everything had been just great, until Nick had started joking with Matt about something, he couldn't remember what for the life of it, when the blond had decided to tickle the life out of the younger man. Nick had pinned Matt down so very easy, specially since the twenty year old had taken the dark haired man for surprised. But two seconds later Matt had turned the tables to his favor, with one movement he hadn't recognize Nick had been on the floor in no time.
That was the breaking point.
Seeing the person he liked - loved - on top of someone else. The younger man had been straddling Nick's chest. He had leaned down and whispered something to blue eyed man, his mouth so very closed to the other person's ear. He had wished it was him there instead of Nick, he could almost feel Matt's breath on his own earlobe. And to top things, whatever he had told the blond man in secret, had made him blush endlessly.
That had been it. He had stood up and went to the bathroom. Closing the door forcefully, he had stood there for what seemed forever. He looked in the mirror, his piercing green eyes had been full of anger and unstoppable jealousy. Washing his face and taking breaths to calm his anger, he had left the bathroom. When he had arrived back to the living room, Nick and Matt were talking amicably about, what he would guess, as X-Files.
He had taken a sit on the couch, having to face the unspoken concern of his bandmates. He had only smiled and nodded, silently telling them that it was nothing, and had tried to forget the earlier incident. But his younger cousin had other plans, of course. Brian had leaned over to Kevin and had whispered ever so softly "Unspoken love is a bitch, isn't it Kevin?" With a smile he had taken another look at Kevin and had moved towards Kate and started talking with the girl.
But that hadn't been all. No. The twenty-five year old had gone to Kevin's house that night and had talked with him. Long and hard.
"You have to accept it Kevin. Damn it!" had yelled his younger cousin. Anger and frustration visible not only in his voice, but in his eyes as well.
"I--" had tried to argue back Kevin, but had been stopped by a very impatient Brian.
"You what? You just like him? Is that it?" he had started pacing by this point, waving his arm to prove his point. "I'm not blind Kevin! What you did earlier today was enough prove of it! What about the 'scene' in the pool two weeks ago? Huh?"
Kevin had sighed. Brian would NEVER let him live that down. He had been talking about that incident for the past two weeks, ever since it had happened. How it had been so very visible the fact that he loved Matt. How he just couldn't keep denying it. How at least he should tell the younger man about his sexuality, if not his feeling towards him.
"Or what about all the time you've been spending with him? Did you think that I wasn't gonna know it? It was so very obvious. You would come to practice with this silly smirk on your face and all I had to do to prove myself right was ask Nick if he had spent the previous afternoon at Matt's place and he would tell me that he hadn't coz YOU were coming over! Right?!"
Dropping himself on the couch with a loud 'thud', he placed his elbows in his knees and his face in his hands. It hadn't been that he had wanted to deceive his younger cousin, but he knew that he told him, he would lecture him into 'accepting' his feelings.
Brian sighed heavily. He didn't want to torture his beloved cousin and friend. He just wanted him to be happy. Moving towards the couch himself, he sat next to the slumped form of the older man. Placing one had on his shoulder, he started speaking. "Kevin, why do you keep doing this to yourself?"
"I just... I can't..." his always confident and authoritative voice was like the one of a child, so very doubtfully and scare.
"He won't hate you Kevin. He's your friend. This is killing you and you know it. This afternoon's incident was just the prove of that. What else do you want? To actually assault Nick, to slug him?" Brian's voice was calm and tender, trying to get his bullhead cousin to open up to him.
Kevin sighed. He didn't want to cry, but the tears didn't seem to obey him. Taking a couple of breath so he could at least held them in his eyes, his face never leaving the protection of his hands, he answered. "I'm scared."
The older man's words had been barely above a whisper and the twenty-five year old was surprised in how he had managed to hear them. He wanted to ask him what he was so scared off, but thought better of it. Kevin had opened up to him, and if he asked that then he'd probably close up again. "I know. But it's the best. You know that."
Taking another breath, he looked up when he was sure that the tears wouldn't fall. Walking towards the windows, he looked over at the yard and street. It was already dark, after all it was after 9pm. Sighing one more time, he said something that he knew would change his life. "I love him."
Brian had to hold his happiness before he started clapping and yelling in victory. He had finally said it! He was so proud and happy for his cousin. However this was just the first step, a very long way was ahead of him and he was gonna make sure Kevin cross it. "Good. How does it feel to finally say the words aloud?"
Turning around to see his cousin, the dark haired man smiled. Easiness and even love could be seen in his piercing green eyes, making them look even deeper. "Great, I guess. I love him and there's nothing I can do against it. I'm love with Matt."
With a big grin plastered in his face, Brian walked over to the older Kentucky cousin and enveloped him in a hug. "I'm so happy for you Kevin. Now you only have to tell him."
At those words, Kevin pulled away from the embrace. "No, not yet."
"Ok, not yet. But when? We only have a little bit more than a week left Kevin. Not too much time." He wanted him to tell Matt about his feelings, but if it had taken him this long just to accept it, he didn't want to think how long it would take him to express it to the object of his affection.
"I know I don't have much time. But not just yet." Looking at the blue eyed man, Kevin smiled. "I just need some time to think about it. I'll tell him. Just not yet."
That had been his great confession three days ago.
Three days that every time Kevin would see Brian, he'd smile at him, or just show him his thumps up in a 'go' way. He had barely seen the college student for the past three days. Sure, he had been hanging out with him for the past three weeks, but ever since he said those words a loud, he just couldn't bring himself to face him.
Brian hand been talking with him, asking him to tell the younger man about his feelings. But he just couldn't do it. He kept asking for time. Time they didn't have. They had to leave in a week for the promotional tour and then the tour itself. He was sure that if he didn't say anything soon, he'd probably loose him.
Could he really face him and tell him everything he had been feeling inside for the past three weeks? Or was he just nuts for thinking that he could have possibly fallen in love with him in such a short amount of time? They had been talking about so much for those couple of days. He had listen to the student talk about life in college. The difficulty of some subjects and how much he was enjoying it at the same time. He had even talked about his parents a little more. As far as Matt had said about them, they were very cultured and elegant people. Both of his parents had insisted that Matt had a great education and had even thought about sending him to boarding school in Europe. He had been grateful when her grandmother had opposed completely to it, wanting to have her only grandson close by.
As he had told his younger cousin, he was scared. Scared was an underestimated. Terrified could pretty much express it.
He was sure that the dark eyed man wouldn't think less of him for his sexuality, if anything Matt was very opened minded and thought that as long as people were happy, everything was fine with him.
But what about loving him?
The same question had been going on and on in his mind for the past days. He was, after all, almost eleven years older. Matt was a college student, his only focus right now was his studies and his goal of graduating as an MD. Kevin was sure that he wouldn't want to be 'tided down' by him. And what about the life style he had to offer? Nothing good could come out of it. He'd have to hide all the time, lie about his relationship and the older man couldn't ask that of him.
His rational mind told him that it was plain down insane. Even silly of him to think that he would feel the same way. Why would he like some one as old as him? He could date someone from his very same college, someone that would be there for him 24/7 for the rest of his life. Someone he could call and talk to and join him on the simplest things of live, like going shopping, to the library with or just to ask for help in one of his subjects. Kevin couldn't give him that. Matt had told him about Anatomy and Biology a couple of times and he hadn't understand most of what he had said.
Who was he trying to fool? Besides himself, that is. There was no way in hell that the younger man would ever feel the same way. He didn't even know if he was gay.
Sighing one more time, he stood up and walked over to the yard and enter his study. Glancing at his grand baby piano, he sat down by it and he started playing.
He needed the reassurance of something he knew, of something that was home to him. Nothing better than his piano.
After playing a couple of notes of an old romantic song, his mind started to drift away. However the apple didn't fall far away from the tree, and his thoughts were brought back to the younger man. How he also had a way of dealing with everything that could come up.
The swimming.
What his piano was to him, the swimming was to Matt. Closing his eyes he could remember the younger man's eyes as he glanced the Olympic pool two weeks ago. How on focus he could get, how much into his thoughts - and life itself - was the swimming. That day he had found out about his love for the contained waters, being confirmed by himself that very same day as both of them kneeled down by the side of the large pool.
As the song continued its way into the chords, he remembered the night when he had heard the younger man sing, smiling at the memory. He couldn't believe he'd agree at something he seemed to hate so much. But, of course, it had been at the insistence of the young girl. Kevin was sure that if it had been anyone but Kate herself that had asked him about it, he wouldn't have done it.
The interaction between the two friends could get to a point when Kevin couldn't hold his own jealousy. He'd seen them hug, cuddle and kiss on the cheek more times than he had wanted to remember. Even once when they were hanging out just Kevin, Nick, Matt and Kate, the pair had laid down on the floor instinctively. Matt had sat by the end of the couch, motioning for Kate to sat next to her - at least that was what Kevin had thought. However it had been completely different. Kate had sat between the young man's legs - a place where Kevin had once been and would love to go back -, Matt had, in response, pulled the young girl into his chest, encircling her lithe chest with his arms. Smiling at his best friend, he had crossed his legs on Kate's lap.
Kevin had almost had a heart attack at the sight! They were both so very comfortable with the sitting arrangement that Kevin had find himself having trouble breathing. Kate had even cuddle into the embrace and both of them had watch the two hours that lasted the movie they had planned watching.
The dark haired mad had to smiled at his own actions. He had come here trying to forget about him for a while and just let himself loose into the playing, but nothing could have been further from the truth. The college student seemed to hunt his thoughts wherever he was, not matter what Kevin's decision against it.
'Maybe I should tell him' he thought.
Looking at the keys for a moment as he ended the last song, he remembered the notes for another one. He had searched the piano chords for that song the very same night that Matt had said he loved it. Even though it was Matt and Kate's song, it had gotten a special place in the older man's heart.
With a smile, he started playing the already familiar notes on the piano. 'In my life' was the name of the song. He couldn't believe just how much significance that song had gotten in just a small amount of time. He couldn't believe either the accuracy of it's lyrics. Even if nothing even happen between the two of them, Kevin was sure he'd never forget the deep love he had for the young man.
Hearing the lyrics in his mind by Matt's very own voice, he couldn't help but feel at ease. Loved. He thought of Kevin as a friend, something that had also been shown in his actions the night he had spend it in his house. He was his friend, even though he wanted something more.
As the last tine of the song run though his ears 'In my life, I'll love you more', he came to a decision. Whatever the outcome of the situation to take place soon enough, he'd always care for him.
He had to be true to himself and to his own feelings.
He had to tell Matt.
I looked around at the books in front of me. I was leaning on a tree, a couple of feet away from the campus. I didn't have class for another thirty minutes. It was another Thursday in my life. It was in days like this that I wished I had chosen a career with less hours to study.
Closing my books, I decided I had read enough for the day. I was death tired and I still had two hours of chemistry ahead of me. Looking at my watch, praying to God that time had moved faster in the last ten minutes, I hoped against hope that it was five to seven. Nope, just twenty to five.
"Bored?"
My head moved up so quickly, I was afraid I'd dislocate a tendon or something like it. In front of me was Kate, dressed in jeans and a loose long sleeve shirt, her backpack in one shoulder.
"What are you doing here love? You have classes till five thirty!"
"I know, I know." Letting her bag fall to the ground, next to mine, she sat by my side. "The teacher had to leave one hour earlier, so I thought I could come here to keep you company."
"Very thoughtful of you darling, but don't you have a project to wrap up at a friend's house." Placing my books back in my pack, I closed the zipper and then looked at her.
"Arg! Don't even remind me!" she said as she laid down on the grass with a loud 'thud'. Looking at the sky, she continued. "Why can't I do this project with you?"
I had to laugh at her question. "As much as I'd love to, I'm in a different career love. You have to socialize with soon-to-be-engineers."
"If those are the soon-to-be-engineers, then I wanna change professions. They are so fickle! I'm about to face a reunion from hell." Whining wasn't her style, but she usually got very frustrated with her 'colleagues'.
"Hey! Nothing is worse than Chemistry with Nakamatzu. And two hours of it, nonetheless!"
Turning around to look at me, she smiled. "Don't be so sure honey."
"Then I trade obligations with you for tonight. I'd go to your friend's house, and you'll go to class. What ya say?" I knew I was fooling myself into believing it could actually happen, but hey, you can blame a boy for dreaming?
My answer was her laughter, the contagious sound made me smile, and soon, I too, was laughing along with her.
"I wish!" she said after we had both calm down enough.
"Me too." Glancing at my watch once more, I realized I had my class in ten minutes. "When are you coming home, anyway?"
"Dunno. Around ten or ten thirty. Have dinner without me love, we'll probably just order some pizza." Realizing that it was, indeed, getting a little late, she stood up and picked up her backpack.
"Pizza? And I'm stuck with yesterday's left over? I hate you." I too picked up my backpack started making my way to the classroom.
"I'll make you a nice cozy dinner tomorrow night. Promise." Her eyes sparkling with tenderness.
"Ok. I forgive you. Just don't arrive too late ok. If you are --" she didn't let me finished the thought, though.
"I'll call. I know honey." She said as we entered the classroom. Taking a sit, Kate sat by my side. "Now be a good boy and pay attention to your class."
"Like I have anything else left to do." My voice low enough only for her to hear as I started taking out my notebook and the Chemistry book I was sure as hell gonna need. God bless Brown for liking Chemistry! That boy should could teach through a book.
Leaning over to me, she kissed me in the cheek and smiled. "I'm going now. I'll see ya back in the house. K?"
"Sure love. Take care and be patient."
Smiling one last time, she left the classroom. I looked at my notebook and decided to read the last class one last time.
'Lets get this over with.'
Kate started making her way into the parking lot to go to her friend's house. It was at times like this she hoped the projects could be individual. It'd be so much easier than dealing with her classmates, however college would never be so kind to her.
Opening the door of her car, she got inside and started the engine. Hearing the ringing of her cell phone, she got it out of her backpack before starting her way into the highway.
"Astadourian."
/How are ya girl?/ asked a male voice in the other side of the phone line.
"Nicky! How are ya kiddo? It's been long enough since the last time I heard about you!" she turned around the corner as she made her way to her friend's house.
/Long? We've spoken yesterday!/
"It's a matter of speaking, I don't really mean it. God Nick, could you be more blonde?" the young girl couldn't help but laugh at her own joke.
/Ha. Ha. Very funny petite. How are things over college?/
"Just because you're one feet taller doesn't mean I can take you down kiddo." She disliked being called petite as much as being called shorty, and she knew that Nick hated being called kiddo by someone even younger than him.
/One foot one inch girl, and you wish!/
"Wanna try me?" she challenged.
/Hmm.... well.... I don't have the time right now./ He did know that if she was mad enough, he wouldn't be able to handle her.
"Thought so." She said with a smile. "Why did ya call anyway?"
/Was thinking maybe we could get together tonight. I'm bored out of my mind./
"Sorry to disappoint you Nicky boy, but we're both busy. I'm on my way to a friend's place to finish a silly project and Matt has classes till 7pm and I can bet my money that all he's gonna be wanting as soon as he gets home is his bed."
/Damn!/
"Don't curse!"
/Ok, ok. Why do you have to have so many things in your schedules?/
"We're in college Nick. We ain't suppose to have a life, remember?"
/Don't tell me you want a life?/ he asked with a smile, remembering the way Scully fought with Mulder about The X-Files becoming her life.
"Don't you start Nick. Look, what ya say we talk tomorrow? Our place... 6.30pm?"
/You bet girl. Want me to call the rest of the guys?/
"It's fine with me and I know Matt needs to socialize a little bit more. If they can, then tell them to come over."
/Ok. Then I'll see you tomorrow. Have fun with your project!/
"If I don't kill them first. Bye Nick."
/Bye Kate./
With a smile, she turned off her phone. That kid was such a character. But it did fit perfectly in her friendship with Matt.
Finally I started pulling into the driveway. At almost 8.30pm I was finally arriving home. The class had taken 15 minutes over time ought to the fact that Nakamatzu wanted to finish the chapter we were in. Then, to top things, there was so much traffic I was actually thinking about leaving my car there and walking home. I would have arrived sooner, though.
Suddenly I realized something I hadn't notice before. There was another car parking in front of my house. As I pushed the button for the garage doors to open, I saw a figure sitting by the front door. I turned off the engine and walked over to the sitting figure.
"Kevin?"
"Hi." He said as he stood up from the steps.
"What are you doing here?"
Looking at the floor, he answered. "I don't know. Thought maybe we could talk."
"Sure." Opening the door, I motioned for him to enter. "How long were you waiting for me?"
"Don't know. An hour, an hour and a half." 'Two hours and a half' he thought. After his epiphany he knew he had to go over to the younger man's place before he lost the little courage he had. That had been almost three hours before. "I remembered you had classes till tale, just didn't remember what time exactly."
"Sorry. The teacher had us stay 15 minutes out of the schedule and there was so much traffic." Walking over to the couch, I let my backpack fall to the floor. I could pick it up later. Sitting on one leg, I waited for Kevin to sit as well.
"Nah! It's ok. I should have called." Doing the same, he sat by my side. Our knees barely touching.
"No one would have answered unless you called the cells, Kate went over to a friend's for a project. And I was stuck with Nakamatzu."
"Nakamatzu?" his confusion visible in his eyes.
"My Chemistry teacher. He can be a great scientist, but sucks at teaching. Thanks God for Brown."
"Brown? Another teacher?"
I chuckled softly, he looked so cute when he was lost. "No, the author of a chemistry book. That book is like my bible. It's so very helpful!"
Smiling at me, he nodded. "It get it."
"So, how are you? It's been long enough since I heard anything about you!" I said placing my arm on the back of the couch, my head resting on my palm.
Kevin blushed at the statement and couldn't help but look at his folded hands resting on the his lap. "Sorry I should have called. It's just..." he trailed off. He couldn't say 'I didn't know how to face you after admitting to myself that I'm in love you' right?
"Hey!" I said as I placed my hand on his arm. "There's nothing sorry for. You were busy, no big deal. Everyone gets swamp in stuff from time to time. Besides, Nick told me you had some meeting to attend."
"Yeah, with the promotional tour, we've got so many things schedule." He answered looking at me right in my eyes. The comforting hand placed in his forearm made his heart skip a heartbeat.
"See! You're busy. You haven't seen Kate and on finals! I'm sure that's not a pretty sight. We're like hopped up in so much Coke that not only does it help us stay awake but we get too hyper!" I couldn't help but chuckle at the memory. "The last semester Kate kept cleaning and cleaning the house. She kept saying 'It's not clean enough!' It was funny."
Kevin smiled at my comment. "I can imagine."
Looking at Kevin's piercing green eyes, I could tell there was something different in them.
"Are you ok Kev?" I asked as I started rubbing his arm up and down, hoping for him to feel at ease with me.
"Yeah... hmmm... " he glanced at his hands once more. However this time he was playing with his thumb ring - a habit he had whenever he was nervous about something. "I thought we could talk." He whispered.
I smiled at his words. Ever since that night we had gotten pretty close. He had told me so many things about the group. His fears in the early days of the group, how he'd feel left out from time to time whenever they guys would pair up. It'd come to trust him a little bit more too. I had told him about my parents, not much, but I had talked about them. I told him how we aren't that close, barely speaking to each other. They love their life. I have mine. Ever when I was a kid, our relationship was mere polite.
"Sure, I'm here."
Kevin looked down at his hands for the nth time, nervous about the outcome.
I could see that Kevin had some trouble arranging his thought, so I thought I could give him some time. "Do you want something?"
The older man was brought back from his reverie by my words. "Huh?"
"Something to drink?" I asked with a smile, hoping for him to understand that I was giving him some time.
"Ah, no. Thanks."
"I'm gonna get a Coke. Be right back." Smiling at him, I stood up and made my way to the kitchen. Opening the fridge I told a coke out and poured it to a glass. Even though I was dead tired, I had been up since 5.30 am after all, I knew Kevin needed a friend and I'd be damn if I wasn't gonna be there for him. He needed to relax, to be able to actually talk to me.
Kevin sighed as he saw the younger man leave for the kitchen. He knew he had seen right thought him and knew that he was death nervous. 'Of course you are Richardson, you have to tell him you love him!'
How could he possibly say something like it. Maybe if he started with the beginning. 'Coming out to him.' Good idea, coming out to him and then... well... then, depending on his reaction, he could tell him the rest.
I waited a couple of minutes before walking towards the living room. I could see Kevin fidgeting with his thumb ring, looking truly anxious. I sat down on the couch once again. After taking a sip of the coke, I placed it on the center table. It was time to talk.
"I don't know where to start." His voice soft and doubtful.
"The beginning can do." Placing my hand on his arm once again, I continued. "I'm here Kevin, we've got all night."
The older man sighed once again. Closing his eyes briefly, he let the decision he had made earlier in the afternoon fill his mind. He opened his piercing green eyes and found himself looking back at a lovely pair of coal-black eyes. He had to do it.
"In the past couple of weeks I've come to think of you as a friend. A dear friend. You.... " he sighed for the nth time that night, it was getting to be so difficult. "I know I can trust you." After a moment he continued. "But there is something I haven't told you about me... and I hope it won't change anything between the two of us."
"Nothing could make me think different of you Kevin. You're a great person and friend. Period." My voice confident and reassuring.
"This might." He whispered back. "I know I should have told you before but I just couldn't bring myself to do it I.... I was afraid of your reaction, I guess." Glancing back at his folded hands on his lap, he closed his eyes as to wait for what was about to happen. With a sigh he continued.
It was either now or never.
"I'm gay." His voice barely above a whisper.
I blinked a couple of times before focusing on the his black hair. I just couldn't believe what I had just heard. The quote 'All lies let to the truth' kept ringing through my mind as I tried to wrap my understanding through the idea just exposed. Kevin was gay.
That couldn't be possible! It just couldn't. I mean, he had to be straight. He had a fiancée for Pete's sake! But then again, he had just told me himself. I sighed. I was gonna end up with one helluva head ache.
I was sure my 'emotional' side should have been static about it, but my logic side kept trying to understand it. Kevin... gay? It just didn't fit in the equation.
Kevin couldn't help but feel scared at the younger man's silence. He could see him focusing on a lost point and saw him flinch or his eyebrow shot up a little bit from time to time. Trying to digest the information, that was for sure. After about a minute or two, he was afraid he wasn't gonna get a response.
As he was about to stand up and just leave, afraid that maybe I requesting him to leave with my silence, I spoke up. "I don't know what to say..." Ok, not very bright... but it was the very first thing that came to my mind.
"Well...." he didn't know what to say either. He had been waiting for a different answer...
"I mean, I would have never thought you were gay." As I looked up and met his stunning sapphire green eyes, I couldn't help but smile at the irony. "What can I say? I'm perfectly cool with it. I am, after all, gay myself." I don't know what came over me to tell him that. Besides Kate and Nick, he was the first person to know about me.
Kevin looked at me and couldn't help but tilt his head slightly to the side. "You are?" Confusion written all over his face. He was totally sure he hadn't heard right. Something wasn't right with that picture.
My smile got brighter. "Yeah."
"I didn't know. Would have never picture you as gay." 'Maybe because I kept thinking that fate would never be so kind to me.' he thought to himself.
"Why?"
He shrugged. "Dunno. I guess because of your interaction with Kate... I always thought there was something running a lot deeper than just a platonic relationship."
"We're just friends Kev. Good friends, but just friends."
The older man only nodded. 'Ok, now at least I have some hope.' He thought. 'Now with the other part of the confession.'
Looking at Kevin, I felt that something wasn't right... something else was bothering him. I decided to stay quiet and wait for him to continue. After all he had come a long way at telling me about his sexuality.
"There's something more I have to say." Kevin sighed.
'You've come this way, you have to tell him the rest.' His mind told him.
"I.... I.... " he looked up from his folded hands and focused his gaze on mine. "I love you."
If I had been surprised when Kevin told me he was gay, I was dead stunned by his last words. I couldn't help but blink a couple of times and turned around for a moment, looking at the side of the room, focusing on the wall.
How was I suppose to react to that? It had been hard enough to accept the fact that he was gay... and now this! I know, I know, I should be happy that the one I loved, loved me back... but I just couldn't... I couldn't...
I looked up once and met his green eyes, full of expectation and wonder. Not knowing what else to do, I sighed. I stood up and paced the floor, deep in thought.
"This can't be.... it can't be." I kept mumbling, forgetting for a minute that I wasn't alone in the room. My mind was going into overdrive and I could feel my neck getting hotter by the minute, something that only happened when I was way too worried about something.
Either this was all a dream and I'd wake up any minute - something that was very unlikely - or this was a different dimension and I was stuck in it. It couldn't be true. He couldn't love me.
'Why?' my mind questioned back.
"Because it doesn't work that way. Never like that." I mumbled to myself, completely obvious to the man sitting in the couch only three feet from where I was pacing.
It had never been like that and it wasn't supposed to change just now. It was lie. It had to be.
"Matt?" his voice was tentatively at first, afraid of saying something that would make me mad.
I turned around and looked at him, finally realizing that I wasn't alone in the room. I didn't know what to say, how to act. It couldn't be true and I wasn't gonna let myself fall for a lie.
"I... hmm.... I'm sorry." I glanced back at my hands, not being able to meet his gaze. "I don't... I don't think things could work out. We're too different. I'm sorry."
Kevin stood up and walked over to where I was standing. As he was in front of me, his piercing green eyes were looking right through me, trying to find something there, trying to see between the lines.
I didn't know what he was trying to prove, but I wasn't gonna let my guard down. I needed to stay put and don't let myself buy the lies. I was gonna protect myself. I could hear in the back of my head: deceive, inveigle and obfuscate. And Teliko wasn't even one my fav. chapters.
"Do you feel the same way?" he questioned. Somehow he knew that I wasn't planning on telling him, that I was too afraid to actually say it myself. So he was trying to have me confess.
I looked at him and let myself drown in the depth of his eyes before answering. "No."
Without saying a word about what I had just said, he brought his hands to both my cheeks and lean over, brushing his lips slightly against mine.
I was frozen in place at his actions. For a moment I wanted to pull away and just forget this had ever happened, but my body didn't seem to react to my thoughts. I just stood there, letting him kiss me. My rational mind stop functioning as I started kissing him back, pressing my lips softly against his.
He seemed to know just what to do without scaring me away, as he started placing butterfly kisses on my untouched lips until that moment. Ever so slowly, his thumb started caressing my cheek, softly but lovingly at the same time.
Not really knowing what I was doing, I placed both my hands on his lower back, needing to have him close. I couldn't think about anything beyond the fact that Kevin was kissing me and I was kissing him back, our lips never parting. All the barriers I had built around me to protect myself, seemed to crumbled as he burst in with just one kiss.
Kevin pulled apart from me slightly, his hands still resting on either side of my face. His eyes searched for the truth that was never to be spoken from me once again. I knew he could see it, I knew it was visible within eye sight. After what we had just shared, denying it would be pointless from my part. He smiled a knowingly smile but said nothing.
"I like you." I stated. I knew it was something that was known between the two of us already, but I felt like I had to say it and dismiss his idea of me loving him. Sure, I did. But I wasn't planning on letting that part of me on the surface just yet.
"That's enough for me."
He placed one of his hands in my back, as he pulled me into his chest. I rested my head on his shoulder.
I couldn't say anything. What was there for me to say? I had just given him an opening to my heart and the possibility of stamping on it whenever he wanted. I had and I felt scared about it.
"Where does this leaves us?"
I was still hoping for him to say that it was nothing. Something that he wanted to say and nothing had really changed between the two of us, but I know I was only deluding myself. I could feel his love in his actions and was afraid that it was just a facade.
"I was hoping you would want to be my boyfriend?" his voice was soft, not wanting to intrude the calm that came upon us after that first kiss.
I wanted to say no. I wanted to deny him that power over me, but I couldn't form the words in my mouth. It was like my rational mind had been locked up under my feelings and the only thing controlling my actions was the emotions I had inside.
"Yes." My own voice just as soft as his, maybe afraid that if I spoke too loud, this 'dream come true' would be shattered and I'd find myself in my study, day dreaming about 'extreme possibilities'.
I felt his grip tighten around me as he heard my words. One of his hands started stroking my hair and I couldn't help but sigh a contend sigh.
We stood like that, not saying anything nor moving besides his fingers running through my short black hair, for what seemed an eternity. My senses were taking over me as I breath in his cologne, as I felt his chest against mine and heart his heartbeat on the pulsating vein his neck. This was something totally new for me. The only person I had ever held, or had ever held me for that matter, like this had been Kate. And now, Kevin, was like a total estranger intruding in my beloved Kate's turf.
But it seemed right. Someway, somehow in the back of my intrinsic mind, it seemed right. Just like that night two weeks ago when I had held Kevin on my chest. It felt right then, and it felt right now. But what was the price? What was there for me to give to have this feeling of calm and love?
Kevin's hand kept stroking the younger man's hair as he gave in to his thoughts. 'He feels the same way. Ok, maybe he doesn't love me yet, but he likes me and he's willing to be with me for the time being.' The older man sighed as an aura of calm came over him. He liked this. He liked holding the younger man in his arms and hearing his breathing in the crook of his neck. This was what he had been missing for the past months as he refuse himself to be love once again.
As I started to feel drowsy from sleep, I decided it was time for this to be cut short. Pulling away slightly, I looked up to him only to find myself looking at a mesmerizing pair of green eyes, disappointment visible in them.
"I'm sorry, but I'm tired and I've got classes tomorrow."
Kevin nodded. "I know, I shouldn't have let you stay up so late."
I checked my watch and realized it was ten to ten. "It's ok." I wanted to say more, but I just couldn't find the words.
"So... I'll see ya tomorrow?"
This was the first time I was actually seeing someone and didn't know how to act, but thought that him coming tomorrow would be the right thing. "Yeah. I've got classes till 5.30pm. Is six ok with you?"
"Sure." Holding my hand, he walked over to the door. Opening the door, we stayed there for a moment. Smiling at me, he leaned over and gave me a small kiss on the lips. "I'll see ya tomorrow."
I was barely able to nod before he left. Seeing the door close and hearing the engine of his car start, I was finally able to come to my senses.
What had just happened?
Now that was 64 million dollar question. I sighed. I was mentally insane and it was costing me my heart. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Ok, I knew I had enjoyed the kiss. But why did I have to accept being his boyfriend?
'Because you wanted to?' my mind asked back.
"That's a lie!" I almost shouted to the empty room. "It's a lie."
'You try to tell that to yourself and maybe one day you'll believe it.'
"It is a lie. I can't be with him. I can't want to be with him." I kept arguing back with myself. I was so loosing it.
'Why? Why is it so impossible for you to actually love someone?'
"Because he'd never feel the same way." I barely whispered.
'Are you deaf or what?! Didn't you hear him say he loves you or do you want me to remind you?'
"I know I heard it. I heard it. But what if he didn't mean it? What if tomorrow he acts like nothing ever happened? What then?"
I sighed once again. This was gonna be so difficult for me. Sitting on the couch, I decided to wait for Kate. I so needed to talk with her.
Kate unlocked the main door and got in the house. I was almost eleven, but they had finally finished that silly project of them. It had taken them almost six hours - and a lot of fighting - but it was done.
With the lights still off, she made her way to the stairs, however something caught her attention. Turning around, she could see a figure sitting on the couch, barely visible under the dim light.
"Matt?"
Walking over her friend, she kneeled in front of him. He was sitting there, lost in thought. Placing her hand on his shoulder, she tried again. "Matt?"
I started blinking as I heard a known voice to me. I don't know exactly when I lost track with my surroundings, but I had been thinking about everything that my surroundings just seemed to disappear for a moment. Focusing on Kate, I gave her half a smile.
"Why are you here in the dark?"
I sighed. I had to tell her. "Kevin came tonight. Talked with me... he said... He told me he was gay. Told me he loves me."
"Ok." She was worried about my reaction to his confession and the fact that she knew I loved him too.
"He kissed me."
"Did you kiss him back?"
"Yeah." My voice seemed somber.
"What else happened Matt?"
"He asked me to be his boyfriend."
"What did you answer?"
"Yes."
Sitting by my side on the couch, she placed her hands on my shoulders and made me leaned on her, my back against her chest. "Then why are you like this love? I thought you loved him too."
"I don't love him."
"That's a lie and you know it. You're just saying it. You love him, I know that."
"I... I..."
"You're scared, aren't you? You're scared he'd hurt you given the time." She started running her fingers through my short black hair in a relaxing manner.
I was barely able to nod at her question.
"He won't do it Matt. I'm sure he won't."
"And what if he does?" my voice barely above a whisper. My fears were taking over and it felt like I couldn't stop them.
"Then I'll kick his ass." Humor visible in her voice
I couldn't help but laugh at the picture. My very little Kate with her 4"9' against Kevin imposing 6"1' figure. "Yeah. I'm sure you would." My tone dripping with irony.
"Look. How long has it been since you've been really happy." As I was about to say something, she cut me off. "Don't give me that 'I'm happy in college' crap, ok? I know you, the real you. You like what you're studying, but even you need something else. I think Kevin will be good for you."
I let myself relax against my 'rock', as I so fondly call her sometimes. Smelling her shampoo and cologne in her hair, I couldn't help but smile. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad after all.
"Does Nick know?" she questioned after a moment.
"No, why?" I wasn't quite following her line of thought and found myself lost within a minute.
"He called me this afternoon, when I was on my way to my friend's house. Said he was bored and wanted to hang out with us, but I told him we were way to busy for a pop star."
Laughing at her comment, I hugged her even tighter. "You said that?"
"Not in those words exactly, but very close. He was gonna call the guys for them to come over tomorrow afternoon. You fine with it?"
Untangling myself from her embrace, I looked at her. "Kev said he was coming over tomorrow afternoon."
"Then I guess he's gonna have company." She stated with a smile.
"What are you planning girl? I can almost see the gears running around in your head."
"Nothing Matt. I swear Matty." She tried showing me her most innocent smile. Well, it would have worked if it wasn't for the fact that I knew there were a couple of small corns visible under her chestnut hair.
Then, I guess it was so late that it took me this long to actually figure it out, I realized what she was planning on doing. "You want him to tell the guys, right? Nick didn't know he was gay, so you want him to come out to them?" I didn't need her to nod to know my answer. "That's unfair and you know it! We have no right to tell him what to do. If he doesn't want the guys to know, then it's because of something."
"Shame?"
I glared at her. "Not necessarily."
"Then why?" her eyes were telling me she was settle for that fact and wouldn't have anything else.
"I don't know. Happy? I don't know. But I have no right in asking him something like that. It's his life and he has every right to live it the way he wants."
"You're his boyfriend." Her voice was stern and calm. Stating something that for her was pretty obvious.
I sighed. I still felt with no right to ask him that. "Still... let him have his decision, ok? Maybe he's afraid of their reaction. They are like brothers, what if one of them doesn't approve?"
"You said it yourself. They are brothers. Kevin behaves like he's their father or something like that. Do you really think they won't want him to be happy, with whoever it is?"
"'Whoever'. Thanks darling, I feel the love!" I said ironically.
"You know that's not what I mean." She apologized with a smile. "Nick already wants you two to get together and now he's got his wish. AJ and Howie seemed too cool to actually say anything about it. And Brian..." she trailed off. She had been getting the same idea as I had, that somehow Brian didn't like me or us.
"For what Kevin told me, they are both very religious. Brian specially. What if he starts quoting Exodus on us or something like that? He is his cousin Kate, he has to think about him as well."
Now it was her turn to sigh and look at me with easy eyes. "Ok, I'll give you that. But only that. I don't like the fact that you'll have to hide. And from his friends."
I couldn't help but smile at her. "Not from everyone. You know. Nick knows. See?"
As my answer, I could hear her snort. "Yeah."
Looking at the clock in the living room, I noticed it was already eleven thirty and we both had classes at eight next morning.
"We better head to bed love. It's late."
Smiling at me, she nodded. As we arrived at her bedroom door, she turned around and I could see her eyes shinning with happiness.
"Why so thrilled darling?"
"Because I know you're gonna be happy with him." As I grinned at her comment, she continued. "And the kiddo is gonna be happy for you and him."
Sharing a small laugh with her, I proceeded to kiss her goodnight. Placing a soft kiss on her cheek, I help her to her bed. "Now be a good girl and go to bed. It's late."
Kate nodded at me. "Sure love." Giving me one last smile at the events of the night, she started looking for her pjs to change.
I walked over to my room and started changing. I felt different. Maybe the fact that I had a boyfriend for the first time in my life had something to do with that... I couldn't help but smile at the thought.
Laying down on my bed, I started thinking about what would happen the next day. Will Kevin tell them about us? Was there an us?
'You're stubborn, aren't you!?' my mind yelled back.
Laughing at my own antics and the fact that I was probably nuts for having a two way conversation with myself, I had to accept that my 'mind' was right. We were together. I sighed. I couldn't help but feel a little bit of fear about it.
Deciding that I'd probably think better in the morning, I closed my eyes, hoping for sleep to come over me and take me to the next afternoon as soon as possible. I would have to get through my classes first, but I was dyeing to see him. I could even feel a silly grin plastered in my face.
Yeah, I was nuts.
I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear all the 'Finally!' yelled at the end of this chapter. Yes, they got together. I know many of you are really happy about this, but just remember this isn't the end of the story (how sad would that be), this is just the beginning.
For those who want to tell me something - anything -, contact me here: jmfluder@hotmail.com
Take care and investigate.
M. F. Luder