Dear Readers:
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Thanks to all who replied to my story "Steve" that was posted earlier this year. I promised to look for the rest of it and I did: it's no where to be found. I am working on recreating it, but the process is slow, so bare with me.
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Meanwhile, this story is mostly complete. Part 1 is here, Part 2 will be posted later this week. As usual, all rights are reserved (as per applicable law and agreement with Nifty Archives); comments are welcome; and flames will be ignored (no matter how queeny they get).
Enjoy :)
P.S. If you want to know what of this story is true, just ask: rpquortant@hotmail.com
** Meeting Justin **
I met Justin at the very beginning of my freshman year at college. It was one of those Indian summer days, when you can still leisure yourself in the sun, but not for very long. The afternoon was just winding down, as I set alone at the table in one of the last outdoor cafes still not closed for the winter. The place was crowded, but I was nibbling on my food, sipping on my drink and floating somewhere in the sky. I never saw him approach, I never heard him talk to me, looking at him straight-on all the time.
"Excuse me," I was startled when a gentle hand touched my shoulder. "Would you mind if I sit here?"
I must have had the stupidest look on my face. I was looking at him, still ignoring his question. It took me a good minute to realize that it wasn't a dream and that a lean frame of over 6 feet was there, shielding me from the afternoon sun.
"Yah... Sure, I don't mind," I pointed him to the seat on the other side of the table.
"It seems I scared you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to," he said gently, setting his tray down.
"Na, don't worry about it. I was just day-dreaming."
"I'm sorry non the less... My name is Justin, by the way," his smile flashed across the table.
"I'm Mike," I offered him my hand. "Nice to meet you."
His hand was notably bigger than mine, firm and a touch rougher than I expected. We both set down to our meals and I looked at him out of the corner of my eye. Dirty-blond, crew-cut hair was slightly shivering in the afternoon breeze. The features of his face were a total contrast to his body. Despite the loose- fitting T-shirt, his muscles were rather evident. If nothing else, his hand- shake should have told me as much. His face looked of gentle opposition, with total lack of firmness or determination. His hazel eyes watched me with interest and question.
Looking at me?! Only then did I realize that we have been staring at each other. Well, I don't know if he was staring at me, but he definitely saw me observing him.
"You go to school around here?" He seemed interested at least in making conversation.
"CMU, freshman. It's a hobby of mine," I smiled.
"Hobby? How is that?"
"Well, should I decide to quit school today, tomorrow I could be making $30,000 a year. I'm a mechanic, qualified too."
"Really?"
"Oh, no! I'm just pulling your leg. You sit down next to me here, introduce yourself, and hope that I'll start telling you stories right-a-way? No such luck, bud. I don't come that cheap." We both laughed.
"No. Seriously. Do you know anything about cars?" There seemed to be a point behind his question.
"Yah. I've worked as a mechanic for two years now," I switched my tone, too.
"Can you help me out? My girlfriend's car is messed up..." There was something about the way he said it that moved me.
"Sure. It's kinda off the wall, but I've nothing better to do!"
We spent a good half-hour more just chatting about cars and our lives. It turned out that Justin was born in Salem, Massachusetts, but his parents moved to Chicago when he was 11. He had gone back a few times and even knew my favorite restaurant there. The mood of the whole afternoon turned. I was really excited about meeting Justin, and he seemed to share the feelings.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
"Sure," and we moved off down the street
We walked up to his car.
"Looks good!... and a 5-speed!" I commented on his Maxima.
Short drive West took us right past the heart of Squirrel Hill, down some side streets and into the garage in the back of Justin's house. There set what I recognized to be the object of our interest, a gray Mazda 626.
"C'mon inside," Justin got out of the car. "I'll introduce you to Ann." We walked up a stone-covered path and to the second floor of the house.
"Ann, meet my friend Mike. Mike, my girlfriend Ann."
"Nice to meet you," we said in unison and laughed.
"Mike came to take a look at your car," Justin said.
"Oh, great," and over an hour was wasted just discussing what had happened. There wasn't much light when we finally got the keys and walked outside. The Mazda was dead: no lights, no horn and, of course, it wouldn't turn over.
"You got jumper cables?" I asked.
"Yah, let me look," Justin disappeared into the garage.
While he was gone, I opened the hoods on both cars. I was not surprised to find the original battery in the 1990 Mazda. It obviously needed to be replaced, but I wanted to test it first. We jumped it, and it ran fine. It actually ran rather well.
"Well, I hope my diagnosis is clear," I said to Justin, as I revved the Mazda again.
"Yah..." he honestly didn't sound convinced.
"C'mon! Admit it: you have no clue what I'm talking about!" I smiled as Justin blushed. "This is simple. The battery is junk, and she needs a new one. It's an easy job, too."
"Really? Can you do it?" he seemed surprised.
"You're kidding me? I can do this in my sleep!" I paused for effect. "Well, not really. I really don't want to fuck with it in the dark, either. If you want, we can straighten it out Saturday..."
"Oh, Mike, that'be great!"
"Sure. That's all cool. You know, I love doing this."
Saturday rolled around pretty fast, and I almost forgot that Justin was coming over. I was just getting out of the shower when he called from down-stairs. I invited him in, as I was just starting my coffee. I poured him a cup too.
"Try this," I offered. "This is good stuff."
"Yah, I like it," he accepted the coffee -- black, no sugar.
I was a little confused at the whole situation. I didn't know what was going to happen. I really wanted to become friends with Justin, but I didn't know how to go about it, either. That morning I honestly thought that our "outing" will end once the Mazda got fixed. I wanted something more, but the afternoon has surpassed all my expectations.
The day started with us spending 2 hours over coffee. I even had to make another pot. The time-wasting continued as we spent almost 3 hours looking for the right battery. I wanted him to get both a good one and the right one. That took some time to find. Not to say that we were very determent in looking for it, but still...
Lunch followed and we didn't get to Justin's house until like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. The process of replacing the battery took about 20 minutes. Justin has demonstrated his absolute lack of notion of any of mechanic's ways, but also a willingness to learn. The old battery went back for core and the Mazda started and ran well. I was pleased with the day's work, although it would've been a waste of time by Steve's standards!
"Awesome!" Justin started the Mazda right up after an hour with a new battery. "How much do I owe you?"
"What?!" I was outraged, or at least meant to sound that way.
"Money, you know? How much do you want?" he didn't seem to understand.
"Justin, let me tell you something. I'd have to stop respecting myself if I took any money from you for this! Didn't you say that I were your friend? Well, the best way to spoil any friendship is to introduce monetary relations. You're a neat guy, I like hanging out with you and what we did today was fun. If you really want to pay me, buy me a beer sometime." I exhaled.
Justin looked at me, patted me on the shoulder and didn't say anything.
Hanging out with Justin became the thing to do for me. We had gone to a lot of parties, shared experiences and lives. Nothing really connected us. We came from different backgrounds, were interested in different things, yet became the best of friends. Sometimes his girlfriend and my dates were included in our activities, but more often than not, it was just us-guys.
The us-guys once a week during the fall semester translated into us-guys every other day over Christmas break, when Ann didn't come up to Boston with him to stay with his grandparents. My priorities were evenly divided between my work and Justin. Till the very last day of the break I worked for Steve, fixing cars or doing whatever. Most days, I would go home from work, and Justin would pick me up after I had a chance to shower. We did just about anything, and mostly nothing. We drove around, went shopping, and checked out quite a few deserted beaches all up and down east coast of Massachusetts.
That Christmas break I came to understand myself better. I will always consider those three weeks as the time I came out to myself. There was no specific even that triggered my realization, or anything like that. I knew that I was "different" from all the other kids for a long time. I thought about guys in a sexual way for as long as I can remember. Even in my pre-pubescent days I was always trying to get my friends to play the certain kind of games. I was not a virgin anymore after the past fall semester, but I was not really experienced sexually and never dated a guy in my life.
That Christmas break I finally found myself freely admitting to myself that I were gay. Moreover, I felt like I was ready to slowly emerged into the real world and come out. I realized that it will only be necessary to tell my close friends, those close enough to matter. For the rest, it would be really none of their business, and if they were to ask, I would tell them the truth.
Justin was at the very top of my list of friends. I liked him a lot, both intellectually and physically. His masculine frame of six and a half feet, his soft blond hair, smooth chest often played roles in the wetter of my dreams. Our friendship was also very important to me, and I was not yet comfortable enough with it to do anything that might possibly upset it.
Once, though, the thought of coming out to him really crossed my mind. We were out on Harvard Sq. going from somewhere to somewhere else. Walking down the sidewalk, we were following these two guys. They looked to be about our age, pretty cute and all. There was something to the way they walked next to each other that made me think that they are "a couple." I was quickly proven right.
As we approached the corner, the guys stopped, and one leaned over to the other. He whispered something into his friend's ear, and while he thought no one else could see it, both me and Justin clearly saw him kiss the other guy. The guys went their separate ways, and I noted to myself that I was correct about them from the beginning. Justin didn't say anything either, but the conversation we were carrying died. He was thinking about something.
We got into the car, and Justin pulled out into traffic.
"Wanna go for a drive?" Justin asked. Knowing him, I was quick to realize that it was what he wanted to do.
"Sure. It's your gas..." I laughed.
We drove down Mass Ave., through Cambridge, over to Memorial Drive, and onto the Express-way South. That put us on the highway away from either Justin's or my house. It was late enough that the usually-busy highway was practically empty, and the headlights of Justin's Maxima lit the thin-falling snow. We drove in silence for a while.
"Remember those two guys, kissing on the corner at Harvard Sq.?" Justin broke the silence.
"Yah. I knew they were gay the moment I saw them. I wonder if they knew we saw them kiss?"
"Seriously, Mike, what do you think about that stuff?"
"What do I think about homosexuality? I am open-minded, you know that. What people do behind closed doors does not concern me at all. That is, as long as it does not endanger anyone. As for public stuff, that's a little different. I wouldn't want any number people being over exposed out in my plain view: doesn't really matter what sex they are. That just about covers it. How about you? I mean, you asked the question..."
"I don't know. My parents never talked to me about stuff like that, and you know how kids are at school. I still can't figure out what I really think about it," there was more to it, I was somehow sure, but Justin didn't say anything more, turning our conversation in a different direction.
I thought about the conversation for a while, but couldn't come up with any good explanation beyond the obvious one. It never occurred to me that there could be anything beyond. We were back to school, before I knew it, anyway.
The new semester found us growing closer yet. We even talked about moving into the same house for next year. That never happened, and may be for the better. We learned each other's schedules well, and it was rather frequent that we would call upon each other either by phone or in person just at the right moment.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Mike, it's Justin. Wha'cha up to?"
"Oh-h... I just got outa bed. I'ven't made up my mind yet."
"Wanna grab lunch?"
"Well, it'll be breakfast for me, but sure. Come pick me up, OK?"
"Gimme 10 minutes." And a half a day would be wasted in pleasant conversation with no particular subject.
Once or twice over the Spring semester, Justin shared some deep thoughts with me, taking me into confidence over issues such as his relationship with Ann and his other friends. I often thought about coming out to him. I thought of how he'd take it, too. Sometimes I wondered if he'd ever go for it. Sometimes I wondered if I'd ever have the nerve to ask. It all amounted to just thoughts and more thoughts...
That summer we grew apart. He stayed in Pittsburgh and I had gone back to Boston. We saw each other only once, for a day at the beach, when he was over at his grandparents' house. As we talked over the course of the day, trying to catch up with each other, I sensed that there was something on his mind that he just wasn't ready to spill over. Our conversation would often lead nowhere, or trail off, leaving him looking up at the sky, deep in thought, and me, wondering, what was on his mind. I knew enough of Justin to keep my mouth shut, and give him an opportunity to say things at his own leisure.
As usual to our escapades, Justin drove. Well, it was his car that we used. We were all packed up and ready to go home, when he tossed me the keys: "You drive," he said.
"Whatever," I never mind driving anyway, but there is nothing wrong with being a passenger either. I got behind the wheel and started the car. "Where to, bud?"
"You know, I really want some ice cream. What do you think?"
"Sure. How does the Salem Creamery sound?" I am a big sucker for ice cream and there are a few better places in the state. Justin just nodded in reply.
As we left the parking lot and merged with the afternoon traffic, Justin reclined his seat and looked up through the open sunroof.
"When you free yourself, you're supposed to feel good, right?" he smiled.
"Well, I suppose you're right," for the lack of anything better to say.
"I broke up with Ann again," Justin said out of the blue. I was just about to change lanes, and his word had an effect of a close-proximity explosion. Where as most people would brake in a panic stop, I threw the car into fourth gear and floored the gas, swerving through traffic, tires screeching, accelerating. When I doubled the 40 mph speed limit, Justin protested: "Hey! Be careful with my car!"
"Trust me, I know what I am doing," engine screaming and car plunging forward. "About you, I am not so sure. Besides, what do you mean 'again'?"
Justin just waived at me, turned and looked out the window. The rest of the 15 minute drive to the ice cream shop was spent is silence. I reduced my speed to something resembling more or less normal and didn't do anything overly exciting. I just gave us both time to think and digest what has been said. Two banana splits and two "house blend" coffees completed our order, and we selected an out of the way table, overlooking the marina. It took another few minutes before Justin started speaking.
"I know. I probably should tell you about this one." It was more like a question than a statement. It deserved an answer.
"You don't have to tell me anything at all." Read: Of course I want to know all about it, but I will never admit it. He laughed.
"It's as much for my own good, as it is for the benefit of your interest."
"Well, in that case, I'm always a willing ear." And that I was.
"You remember Ann's friend, Holly? Well, as you may remember, Holly had a boyfriend, Mark."
Of course, I remembered Mark. He was one of the cuter of Justin's friends. He was a few inches shorter than me, and much slimmer. His hair was the first thing anyone would notice about him. His dark-blond curls were cut short all around, except for a pony tail in the back. He would stick it through the hole in the baseball cap, and would just look so cute, you had to love it. His eyes were next on the list. Big green eyes, framed in long, black eyelashes definitely won the title of the most gorgeous eyes I've ever seen. Of course, I remembered...
"Mark and Holly went to the same high school and started dating their senior year. Mark goes to Ohio-state and leaves in Cleveland. Long-distance relationship, you know. They had their own ups and downs. I am sure, you've heard all about them. Well, apparently those problems got a little accented, when Mark started coming down almost every weekend. As I discovered later, Holly got a little concerned when it took Mark almost a day to get back to Cleveland for the third time in a row.
"Holly came over at least twice that I know of to consult Ann on the matter. One of those times I was there too. Ann's behavior seemed out of character. She wasn't sympathetic at all. She listened, all right, but even her face expressed no concern what-so-ever for her friend. That's where our problems started. That night we had our first argument on the subject. I confronted Ann with that observation when Holly was gone. She got all defensive all of a sudden. She just didn't want to talk about it, and that's all. As a matter of fact, she didn't want to talk to me at all, and she left.
"Holly saw nothing of what Ann thought of her confessions, and a week ago was looking for her again. It turned out that Mark was taking his sweet-ass time to get home again, and Holly was in distress. She couldn't find Ann and called me. You know, a friend of your girlfriend is also your friend, even if you're not speaking to your girlfriend at the moment. So, I dropped whatever it was that I was doing, picked up Holly and went looking for Ann. It took some time, but we found her. We found her car... and Mark's car..."
Justin paused and took a deep breath. The whole picture was clear to me for the first time he mentioned Mark. I wasn't surprised, either. Mark is seriously cute, and that's the end of the story. Justin needed to tell the whole story, including the end (which was yet to come) for himself, and that's what the whole exercise was all about. I didn't say a word, as Justin slowly ate his ice cream, looking at the reflection of the setting sun on the boats.
"We walked up to the house, and into the living room, to find the love-birds happily on the couch." Uncharacteristically, Justin laughed. I just nodded and kept listening. "Holly screamed, but I just turned around and left. What was the point in staying and talking to her? I didn't see any, and I just left."
I knew he was done with the story, but I waited a few minutes, occupied with my food, and giving us both an opportunity to do some digesting. He surprised me, though.
"I really want to tell you one other thing..." he paused. I looked up. The pause lasted good five minutes. "Oh, never mind..."
"I'm sorry, bud," I finally decided to say.
"It's OK. I'm not overly upset about it." Read: I have no clue what to do now.
"Well, you know that whatever God does, is done for the better. On the other hand, what did you mean by 'again'?" I wasn't going to give him advice, but I did want to know the whole story.
"Oh, I thought you knew. It must've happened right after you left the Burg. We had one of those no-reason arguments and were on non-speaking terms for like a week, or something. I guess that's when it all started. I am such a damn fool! I should've seen it coming."
The was no point in discussing the matter further. I counseled Justin as much as I could, but he was obviously in much distress. A long drive to nowhere and a movie concluded our day together. We didn't see each other until I was back to Pittsburgh for my second year of college. And it was about a week or so before we saw each other.
I came over to Justin's house a few days before my birthday to invite him to the party. I was very surprised to find Ann there. It took all my self-control to keep my emotions to myself. Whatever it was, and however it happened, Justin and Ann were back together. When it was time for me to leave, Justin volunteered to drive me home.
"So, I see you guys are back together..." I was sure Justin wanted to talk about it, and there was no sense in hiding my interest.
"Yah... Can you believe it? Mark broke up with her about two weeks into the affair. He crawled back on his knees to Holly, and Ann came back to me. You know, I though about telling her to screw, but... I think I really love her. I think this is it, man."
The last thing I wanted was for Justin to get married. It wasn't even the act of marriage itself. It was more like, I didn't want him to get married to a girl... who already cheated on him once. It is a known fact that those who do it once and get away with it, will do it many more times. Ann would have plenty of opportunities, too.
"Wow, bud... Are you sure here? Isn't that a little too soon after what happened this summer? Don't you need a cooling off period?"
"May be. I don't know," Justin didn't even consider the idea. "I wouldn't do it before I graduate, anyway."
I almost breathed a sigh of relief at that. 'With some luck, I thought, I wouldn't even have to save him from that decision, time will.' My assessment of the future was right on the money in some aspects, but in others I just couldn't guess the future.
I didn't do all that well in my classes during the Spring semester, so the new year was marked with increased attention to work on my part. I really did study, so there wasn't as much time left for me and Justin to hang out. Besides, I am not sure we could've kept up the level of our activities anyway: Justin got seriously involved with Ann again.
It must have been the first week in October that we met over lunch on Thursday. Justin and Ann's anniversary was coming up next weekend, and Justin was all tormented over what to do. Out of the hour and a half that we spent together, we must have talked about his ideas on the subject most of the time. He just couldn't think about anything else. His plans were rather elaborate and complex, and really romantic. I must have been really rude to cut our lunch short because I was starting to feel jealous of Ann. Little did I know...
My clock showed 1:20 am, when the phone woke me up. I haven't slept the night before and was in no mood to pick it up, so the machine did. No one left a message, and I started dosing off, when the phone rang again. I swore violently, but got up to answer.
"Hello?" Read: Who da fuck are you and what da fuck do you want?
"Mike, it's Justin..." I could swear I heard a tear in his voice.
"What's up?" I turned serious, and awake.
"Did I wake you up?"
"Yah, but it's done, and nothing you can do about it. What's up?"
"I'm sorry..."
"Bud! Cut the bull-shit, ah? What's up?"
"Ugh-OK... Can I ... come over?"
"Well, yah, sure..."
He was over in a flash. The distress was rather obvious. Something has gone seriously wrong, and I didn't even need to have known Justin to tell that.
"What's up, bud? You look horrible!"
"Oh, Mike..." he didn't come in, but rather had fallen into the door. I guided his limp body to the couch, and our accidental close contact shocked me slightly, making me turn away for a second to regain my composure.
When I turned back, Justin was sitting on the couch, legs stretched, the head between his knees and hands over it. I couldn't see his face, but I could hear him sobbing. Without a word I went into the kitchen and got two beers. I set back on the couch next to Justin and offered his a beer with a friendly shove at his shoulder.
"C'mone, a Bud's good for ya!" It was really Heineken, seemed like a good expression, though.
Justin didn't say anything, accepting the bottle and taking two long pulls. We set quietly for a while; Justin lost in thought and me letting him take his time, drinking beer.
"You know what happened, right?" he asked, seemingly accepting the situation.
"No, but I know you didn't like it very much..." A faint attempt at a joke on my part.
"Well, you might as well know the whole story," oh, such a day-ja-vue of the day at the beach last summer! Justin was slowly drinking his third beer, and I gave his time to collect his thoughts. "You know, I made reservations at The Top of the Triangle for the two of us. We spent the whole day together! It was great, all the way till Mark showed up!"
I saw tears in Justin's eyes, and his voice trembled. 'Oh, great!' I thought. 'Mark showed up again. From here on it's all obvious: those two fled, and Justin is left with Holly on his hands! Why don't they get together?' I knew that I wouldn't go to sleep that night, but that was the loss I accepted for Justin's benefit. I was prepared to sit there and listen to Justin as long as he needed me, but I was not really prepared to sit there and watch him braking down crying. Something radical needed to be done.
"Hang on a sec, Justin. Before we go on, I need you to do me a favor. Would you?"
"Yah, sure. What is it?" He had no will to contradict me.
"Here, drink some water." I thought it to be the crudest lie I ever told in my life, as I handed Justin a cocktail glass full of Vodka. "But drink it all at once," I cautioned.
He overturned the glass into his mouth, just as I wanted. The motion of his face stopped for a measurable amount of time. He stopped breathing, and I wondered if I had just killed him with all that alcohol. The breathing slowly came back, shallow and quick, but breathing none the less. It actually took him like five minutes to gain his composure from such a massive intake.
"Shit, Mike. You fucking asshole!" he breathed.
"It's good for you, babe. Now, what happened?" I don't really want to bore the reader with the particulars of Justin's last brake-up. She left with Mark, never to come back, on their anniversary and for the third time. Good luck to her, but it left my friend in ruins.
I sipped on my beer and listened to his story for quite a while, as the time slipped by. It must have been 4am, when Justin suddenly got up, after a long pause, seemingly having come to some sort of a conclusion.
"Mike, how much of a confession can you forgive me?" he asked, facing me.
"What are you talking about? Why should I forgive you any of what you have said? You haven't done anything to me, yet."
"You just don't know..."
"Oh... What have you done to me, so that you're asking for forgiveness?"
"Agh... Well, I haven't actually done anything..."
"Then why in the name of God would you ask me for forgiveness?"
"I lied," Justin said, letting a breath out, after another pause.
"OK...?"
"Mike," I could see that he needed to say it, but it just wouldn't come out. I didn't want to push it, but Justin seemed to be on the last breath from exhaustion and alcohol.
"C'mon, Justin, spit it out!" I yelled, faking annoyance.
"Mike, I am gay and I've been in love with you ever since we met..." he dropped, spent, on the couch and I stopped in my tracks, forgetting to breath long enough to start to cough.
"Wait a sec," was all I could come up with. "Did I hear you right? You said you like me?!"
Justin couldn't move, but tears were pouring down his face. "I'm sorry, but I just had to tell you! Can you forgive me?"
There must have been a better way out. I just didn't see it... I hugged Justin around the neck: "Justin, of course, I would forgive you, if you had done something wrong. I don't think you did, so there is nothing to forgive you for."
"But, Mike..." at that point in time there was nothing I wanted more, then to jump up, grab him, kiss him, hold him... but it wasn't the right time. I have grown too seriously attached to Justin to be able to afford a risk of him regretting those words in the morning. I came to a devastating conclusion that I had to walk away from an opportunity like that, for the sake of my friend, for the sake of our friendship.
"Justin, no buts! You're drunk. That's the end of the story. I want you to sleep it off, think about it, and then if you still want, we will return to that conversation. And I don't want to hear anything about it now." With that said, I got up and left the room.
I don't know how well Justin slept that night, but I haven't shut my eyes for a single second. I couldn't even think of jerking off thinking of what we could've done, when it was so near, and after I turned it away. When I came back home, I half wanted, half expected to find Justin the way I left him on the couch. Rationally I understood that he should have left by now, and my rational was once again proven right. Justin was nowhere to be found. As a matter of fact, I didn't see him for almost two weeks following that faithful night. I wanted to see him. I lusted to see him. I thought I saw him on the Cut, knowing full-well that he is in class at Pitt. I thought I saw him through the window of the gym, knowing for a fact that Justin never went to that gym. I even thought I saw his car parked outside my apartment building, and ran for it, just to see it's tail-lights wave at me from the end of the street.
At the end of the following weekend, I was pretty much done swearing at myself for letting such an opportunity go, the following week signified a return to more or less normal life. Normal, but with-out Justin... Something had to be done about it, and I was still working on a plan, while driving escort next Saturday night.