This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye now.
March 17, 1996 Things have been a little strange for the last few days. Lance and I haven't talked about what he told me at all. I don't know for sure how he's feeling, but somehow I think he's wishing he hadn't told me. I've been trying to act normally around him, but it's hard to act like I don't know that he's gay. I mean, there are a lot of things I'd like to ask him about. At the same time, though, it makes me feel really uncomfortable because I don't want him thinking that I'm that way too or anything. I keep thinking about how sad he was, though, when he told me. He must be so lonely, not being able to tell everyone about such a big part of who he is! So, anyway, I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions about it all. I wish I knew how Lance was feeling, and I wish I could talk to JC about this. He's always been so easy to talk to, I feel like I could go to him with almost any problem and he could make it right. But not this, I promised Lance not to tell anyone. It's so confusing! Well, at least there's plenty going on to keep my mind on other stuff. When I'm singing I forget everything but the song and the moves and the audience.
March 20, 1996 I finally talked to Lance today. About him being gay, I mean. I've talked to him plenty of times since he told me, but never about it. We were alone this afternoon for about two hours, the other guys all had things to do. I wanted to go shopping with JC, but Lance said he was gonna stay here, so I decided to stay, too. Here, by the way, is our new tour bus! It's nothing special, though. When I heard we were getting one I was really excited. I pictured something really sleek and big, but it's pretty much just a run down old school bus fixed up a little. It's cool, though. A few of our songs are starting to get some radio play over here now. Anyway, I finally talked to Lance, like I said. He said he got the feeling that I was weirded out by everything and was trying to pretend like he never told me. I guess I was kinda acting that way. I told him how I just wasn't sure how to act around him, that I still feel as close to him like he's my brother, but I was worried that if I acted that way he'd get the wrong idea. He told me not to worry about it, that he knows I'm not in love with him or anything like that. So, it's cool. I even asked him some questions about how he could be so sure and if most of the religions being so sure that it was a sin worried him at all. I also asked if he'd ever dated a guy. He hasn't yet, but he said he's in love with a guy he knows. I asked if he was ever gonna tell the other guys and he said he will in time, that he felt less threatened telling me because I'm the only one who's younger than him. I don't see what that has to do with anything! I hate being the youngest, it sucks. Sometimes they all treat me like a little baby. Well, at least JC never treats me that way. I'm not a child, I'm 15 years old!
April 10, 1996 Things are really going great! We're already starting to get a fan base over here in Europe! People actually know who we are, it's so strange. We've even got a few fans who follow us around from city to city! Chris was teasing me today about being the group's heart throb and all the girls wanting me. I guess there are some, sure, but I think most of them are probably into JC. We're going to be here until the end of the month and then we're heading back home for a month or so, to work on some new songs and take a short break. I love it here, but I can't wait to get back home, to my own room. I love all the guys, but we've started getting on each others nerves a lot more lately. Nothing too serious, though. JC says it's just that we're all in each other's faces 24/7 and that gets tiresome after awhile. Like yesterday Chris and Joey got in a shouting match over something totally dumb and a few days before that I was ready to kick Lance's butt for hogging the bathroom!
May 3, 1996 Home sweet home! It's so good to be back here in Orlando. We've only been back since yesterday. We're not on vacation yet, though, we've got a lot of time set up in the studio doing some recording and an insane amount of photo shoots lined up! At first it was kind of cool, but now it's starting to get old. They always want the same poses and shots and it's just boring. We get a week off towards the end of this month, though, right before we head back to Europe and start touring again. Mom isn't going to be going this time, which will be cool. It made me feel even more like a baby, having my mother tagging around with us everywhere. Lance's mom will be going again, though. I don't think any of us like her very much, except Lance of course! She's very bossy and overprotective of Lance.
May 24, 1996 Well, we've finally got a break! The last three weeks have been very busy. JC and Lance both went home to see their families and the rest of us are just chilling around Orlando, doing whatever. I plan to sleep until noon every day and then do nothing but play basketball with my friends the rest of the day. Maybe see some movies or something. Just be a normal guy. It's funny, I hated just being a regular kid again after MMC went off the air, but after how much work we've been doing lately, that's all I want to be for a little while!
May 28, 1996 I miss the guys, especially JC. I can't wait to get back to that cramped bus and all those cheap hotel rooms! And to singing in front of an audience. I think that's when I'm really happiest. I've been thinking a lot about JC for the past few days and the way I feel about him. It used to scare me a lot that I love him, but I don't think it does any more. It's not like I'm in love with him, I just have a very deep friendship with him, that's all. And if Lance has known since he was 13 that he was gay, wouldn't I have known from the same age that I was? When I was 13 I was busy kissing Britney.
June 6, 1996 I can't believe what's going on! When we arrived in Germany there was a big crowd of fans waiting for us at the airport! A lot of them were holding up photos of us from some of the magazines we've posed for and they were all screaming our names. It just blew me away! It made me feel so good. There's no doubt in my mind that this is what I want to do for the rest of my life, make people like this happy by singing. The past few days have been pretty much the same, people waiting wherever we've gone, the radio stations playing our stuff a lot more than they did when we were here before. The other guys have all started teasing me now about being the heart throb, not just Chris. There were a lot of girls holding up pictures of me. I guess it's nice that so many people think I'm good looking, but hopefully they like my singing too!
June 22, 1996 We seem to be getting more popular over here every day. It's all a little too much to take in, really, but I love that people like our music. I'm having so much fun, all of us are. We had lunch the other day with this other group of guys Lou signed, the backstreet boys. They've become really big over here, they're treated like Madonna or Michael Jordan or something. Like stars. They seemed to be nice guys, but they were a little rude about our music. I got the feeling that they thought we were trying to copy them somehow. I didn't even know they existed until recently! Well, there has been one kinda bad thing running through my mind in the past few days. I'm starting to wonder if the guy that Lance thinks he's in love with is JC! I've seen him give JC these looks sometimes and when he and JC are talking he kinda lights up in a way. This thought really bothers me a lot. I mean, it's not like I'm jealous, but if Lance does have feelings for JC he's going to get hurt. JC isn't gay. Sometimes when I see the two of them talking it reminds me of when JC first came to Orlando when we were just getting the group started and he and I would stay up really late every night talking about the future, and I get kind of pissed off at Lance. I guess if anything I'm a little jealous that he and JC have become such close friends because JC was my friend first. That's dumb, I know, and it makes me sound like a stupid little kid fighting over a toy. I try not to feel that way, because it's not like JC and I don't spend any time together. I wonder if I should ask Lance who his mystery guy is? I wonder if I'd even want to hear the answer?
July 4, 1996 It's weird being over here on the 4th of July, with no fireworks displays or bar-b-q's or anything! Speaking of weird, something happened a few days ago that kind of scared me. We were leaving a radio station where we'd just given an interview and this girl came running up and grabbed my arm. She was about my age, I guess, and really pretty. She was crying really hard, there were tears just pouring down her face and at first I thought she was hurt and needed help or something. But then she started talking. It was kind of hard to understand her at first, even though she was speaking English, because her accent was so heavy, but then I realized she was saying "Justin, I love you, I love you." I just stared at her, I didn't know what to say. Then some of the security people at the radio station kind of pulled her off me and we all got on the bus. Joey started to tease me, but I was so freaked out that he stopped pretty quick when he saw that I wasn't responding. Everyone got really quiet for the next hour while we drove on to our next show. I just kept thinking about how hard the girl was crying and how she said she loved me so much. How can someone I've never met be in love with me? She doesn't even know me! All she knows is my singing voice. Maybe she's even read about me in a magazine, but that's not really me. Up until now I've been really happy with all the attention we've had. And I still am, because I love to sing so much. But suddenly it seems like there are two Justins- the real me, and this person that people think I am, that the girl thought she was in love with. It's a very weird feeling.
July 15, 1996 Lance just told me that he came out to JC last night. I guess I should be happy for him, because i know that was a big step for him. I feel really guilty about this, but instead of feeling happy for Lance I feel worried that JC and Lance are just going to be even closer now. I'm such a terrible friend to both of them to feel that way. Lance said JC was really cool about it, but he didn't say much else. I still think it's JC that Lance has feelings for. I kind of want to talk to JC about Lance being gay, now that he knows, but I'm not sure how to bring it up. I don't even know if Lance told him that I already know. I guess what it all comes down to is that I consider JC my best friend and it seems like he and Lance have more in common than he and I do, and that scares me. I don't really know why, though.
July 16, 1996 Well, JC & I talked about Lance today. The other guys were all asleep and we were on the road. I was trying to do some stupid math problems that I'm forced to do just because I have to be in school by law. I can't help feeling it's pointless, since I already have a career, but my Mom says that I should be prepared in case I ever don't want to be a singer, or can't be for some reason. I guess she's got a point. Anyway, JC was just staring out the window of the bus for a long time. Usually he's the first one asleep, so I knew something was up and I was pretty sure he was thinking about Lance, probably feeling as weirded out as I was right after Lance first told me. Finally he looked over at me and started shaking his head and smiling and said he'd never thought I could keep anything a secret for so long, with my big mouth! So then we talked about it. He asked how I felt and I told him that I thought of Lance like a brother, no matter what. He just kind of nodded and started looking out the window again, so then I asked how he felt and he just looked at me for a long time without saying anything. He finally said that he was surprised about Lance, but he never thought there was anything wrong with being gay. He didn't seem to want to talk much, though, so after awhile I just went back to my math. It kind of made me feel bad, in a way, because the two of us always talked about everything and now he knows that I kept a secret from him for months. I hope he's not pissed at me. I wonder if I should tell him that I think Lance likes him? I can't, though, because it's just a guess on my part. Why does everything have to be so confusing? Sometimes I feel angry at Lance for being gay because it seems to make life so much more complicated.
~Okay, that's it for right now. Thanks to the people who wrote to me! I hope the second part isn't a let down at all. Will you let me know just what you think? You can write me at just_jamie007@hotmail.com Cya later!