This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it. Bye.
January 23, 1997 Things are insane. We're leaving in two days to start the next tour and I still haven't had time to talk to Lance. A lot of last minute stuff has come up and we've all been so busy that there hasn't been time for anything but work. We've got some free time tomorrow afternoon and I have to talk to him then. If I don't we're going to start off the tour under this dark cloud. And we might even end up losing Lance. I don't want that to happen. I keep thinking about how close we were getting and how much fun we had, before I came out to him. I miss that a lot. I miss him a lot.
January 24, 1997 It's been one of those days. We had to go over some schedules for the tour early this morning, then we spent a few hours rehearsing. After that we had a few hours off to spend with family and friends since we're leaving tomorrow morning to go on tour for six months. I managed to get some time alone with Lance, but it wasn't easy. He practically runs at the sight of me, unless some of the other guys are around. But I got him alone finally. I told him that he's one of my best friends and that I really care about him a lot. He didn't really say anything to that, so then I told him that seeing how much I've hurt him is killing me, but I don't know what to do about it. He wouldn't even look me in the face and I just lost it and started crying. I felt like such a girly wuss, but I couldn't help it. Everything has just been eating away at me for all this time and I just didn't know what to do. It's like everything was falling apart and it was all my fault. That's when Lance finally looked me in the eye and I could see the pain there so clearly. He reached out and brushed away one of my tears and whispered for me to stop crying, but I could tell that he was about to cry, too. I just asked what I could do to make it better and Lance said there wasn't anything I could do, except love him back and that wasn't going to happen. Then he did something that could have been really cheesy, but somehow it seemed like the perfect way to sum up everything he was feeling. He started to sing the opening of one of the songs we've been working on, really softly almost under his breath. 'It's tearin' up my heart when I'm with you. But when we are apart I feel it, too.' It felt like my heart was breaking, because here was this wonderful guy that's totally in love with me. He'd be perfect for me, we could be so happy together. And yet, I don't love him. Not in that way. He said that he can't help how he feels, but he knows I can't either and that he'll be okay with time. He just needs to work it out for himself. I told him that I was worried he'd leave the group, but he promised that he wouldn't. I guess for now that's how we'll leave things. I hope that we can get back to what we used to have. But at least he's not going to leave us. I wouldn't have been able to forgive myself if he had. Well, I have to get some sleep. We're leaving at the crack of dawn practically and I need my beauty sleep!
February 10, 1997 I am so exhausted. Every night since this tour began I've fallen directly into bed each night and lapsed into a coma for a few pitiful hours before it's time to start all over again in a new city with interviews, photo shoots, and concerts. I could trade in the interviews and photo shoots gladly, even though it is fun to ham it up and I really do enjoy being the center of attention, but I wouldn't trade the concerts for anything in the world. I never feel more alive or more happy than when I'm up there on stage. The rest of my life is all just shadows. Performing on stage is like stepping into the sunshine. The best part is, each time is like the first time all over again. It never gets old, no matter how tired or grouchy I am! And believe me, I've been grouchy a lot lately. We all have. Sometimes, I can't even stand the sight of the other guys, even JC! It's mostly that we're all bone tired and getting next to no rest, plus the fact that we've got to be On for all these interviews. We've got to be lively and funny and interesting, even when they're asking the same questions over and over. It's not easy. Things with Lance have been better. Not back to normal, but there has been a change for the better. As for JC, I love being around him so much. Even when he gets on my nerves! I hope we last forever as a group, just so this never ends. I can't imagine going back to a life that doesn't include JC being around me every day. Oh, and I had another birthday. I'm 16! It was a really busy day for us, but the guys still managed to put together a mini party for me in the hotel we were staying at that night. It was really great. Chris got me a card with a half naked guy on the cover! It's his way of letting me know he accepts me. And that he has great taste in half naked men! JC gave me this baby blue sweat shirt that I really love. I guess he knows my tastes pretty well. Lance gave me a signed Basketball card from Michael Jordan! I couldn't believe it. Lance doesn't even like basketball so I had to smile at the thought of him searching for the card, he must have been so bored! It was really sweet of him, though. I'm glad things have been so busy for us, though. I have to be honest, I'm a little worried about what I might do if there were any free time to be had! My hormones have been going nuts lately, i get turned on at the drop of a hat. And being around JC all the time doesn't make it any better. So keeping busy definitely has a plus side! Anyway, I need to sleep. I'm going to be so tired tomorrow, but I hadn't written in a few weeks and I really wanted to. Who knows when I'll have time to write again?
February 14, 1997 Valentine's Day again. Last year at this time, I was feeling so in love with JC and so scared about that. I thought it was a sin and that I'd get over it when I met the right girl! A lot can change in a year, but a lot stays the same, too. I'm still in love with JC. I still go to bed every night and wish that he was lying next to me with his arms wrapped around me. I still dream at night about feeling his lips on mine and of his hands touching me. I just no longer feel like it's wrong or that it's a phase I'll grow out of. I know who I am now. I'm gay and I'm in love with my best friend, who's straight. Am I nuts? This is such a lonely road to walk down. Lately I've been thinking a lot about making love and exploring things. I want to be with someone so badly! It's so tempting sometimes to just hook up with some willing person. I mean, I've seen guys at our shows. We have lots of gay fans. And some of them are really hot guys. It would be so easy to let myself do that. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like. But, raging hormones aside, I know that I want my first time to be with someone I love. I don't want it to be with a total stranger. I need to love and trust that person with everything I am and all that I have. But what if I never love anyone but JC? What then? I die a virgin? What a waste! ha ha. Anyway, so that's been on my mind a lot, when there's time for anything but work to be on my mind. Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like right now if I'd lead a normal life, just gone to school and not into the business. Probably pretty damn boring! I'm very lucky, I know that. This is my dream life and I'm living it. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that I'm once again going to sleep alone on Valentines Day. So I guess it's not exactly my dream life. My dream life would be exactly the same, only with JC and I totally in love with each other. Maybe by this time next year, I'll have someone. Maybe I'll meet someone who'll make me forget about these feelings for JC. I doubt it, though. Like I said, a lot can change in a year, but a lot stays the same.
March 2, 1997 Today we had a whole entire day off! Oh, we're in Spain by the way. You never know with us, we've been all over Europe and we've still got plenty more to go. My mom came over for a few weeks, right after Valentines Day. She actually just flew back home yesterday. It was really great having her here. It may seem babyish, but part of me really just wants to be a kid sometimes still! And there's no better way to feel like a kid than to have your mom telling you to pick up your stuff or eat your vegetables! Lance's mom has been here, too, and sadly she still is! Having her around reminds me all over again that Lance really only has us for family. I mean, he has a real family and they do love him, but their love is so narrow minded and conditional. If they knew Lance was gay, I really think they'd cut him off without another word until he decided to 'change his ways'. I know he feels they'd react that way. I've been thinking about New Years Eve a lot. How he cried on my shoulder. And about the kiss. I wish we were still as close. It's getting better, but it's a slow process. Of course, he has JC. The two of them are closer than ever. It's funny to think of how jealous I used to be whenever they'd spend any time together! Now it makes me happy because at least I know that Lance has one person he can still talk to without any hesitation. I mean, Chris and Joey are great guys and good friends, but they're more the type you hang out with and joke around with, not the type you confide your innermost feelings to. Anyway, we had today off. Chris planned to spend it with some girl he met the last time we were over here. I'm not even sure what's been up with Joey today, I haven't seen him since last night and he didn't talk about his plans. I guess he's either sitting around his hotel room in his underwear watching tv or in bed with some senorita. I'm sure he's perfectly happy either way. Joey is always laid back and cool with things. Lance and his mom went off to do some shopping and sight seeing. I don't think Lance was too thrilled with that, but it's what his mom wanted to do. Poor guy. JC and I were going to hang out together today and work on some songs in the afternoon, but he called and said he wasn't feeling very well. So I decided to get him some chicken soup from room service and go play nurse! It was actually kind of fun, taking care of my guy. Okay, so he's not really my guy, but still! I stayed in his room after he ate the soup and fell asleep. I had the tv on, but mostly I was just watching him while he slept. He looked so beautiful, I can't even describe it. He's so sexy when he's awake, but when he's sleeping there is just this inner beauty that lights up his whole face. He finally woke up and smiled when he saw me sitting there still. He thanked me for 'wasting' my free time taking care of him and said he was feeling better. He went in to take a shower and I came back here to write in my journal. It was a great day.
Well, if there's anyone out there who's still interested in reading Justin's Journal after over four months of waiting, I hope you enjoyed this. I'm sorry for the endless delay. I'm a perfectionist as well as a procrastinator and things just took awhile to come together right. I don't even know if it's all that good, but here it is! You can let me know what you think at just_jamie007@hotmail.com