Ken and I - Part 16
I closed my eyes briefly, and when I opened them again I couldn't see Jamie anymore. I was desperately hoping that he wasn't going to do anything stupid.
Ken and I had stopped kissing. We were leaning back, our faces to the sun, not saying anything. If I weren't worried about Jamie, I would've considered this a peaceful silence; normally I would've detested this kind of silence, especially with Ken. Especially after what we'd just done; I would've taken the silence as a sign of guilt. Or worse. But I felt like I had crossed some invisible boundary with Ken, that somehow we'd taken a big step forward. Which made me worry about Jamie all the more.
"Hey guys", Jamie announced himself coming around the corner of the boxcar.
Although I had been half-anticipating Jamie to appear, it still surprised me.
Ken practically fell out of the boxcar, "What the fuck? What the hell are you doing here?"
Jamie had been smiling, but suddenly his face fell. I wasn't sure if he was going to get angry or to cry. Ken looked like he was going to get furious with him.
"Are you fucking spying on me?" he shouted, hopping off the boxcar and taking a step towards Jamie.
I jumped down as well, stepping between Ken and his younger brother, not exactly sure what was about to happen or what I was going to do.
"No", Jamie shouted back, quietly adding, "not exactly."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I ... I heard you guys talking about the boxcar. After I got up I saw that your bike was gone, mom said you'd gone riding with Martin. I guess ... I was just ... you're just always leaving me out of everything ...", Jamie whined, "you ... you never wanna do anything with me anymore."
"That doesn't give you the right to ...", Ken started, but I cut him off.
"It's no big deal, I don't mind if he wants to come ride bikes with us sometimes", I defended Jamie.
So far Jamie hadn't let on that he'd seen us do anything other than kiss; I didn't know how long he'd been standing there or how much of our action he'd caught. If he had been planning to say anything about it, I would've expected him to do it as soon as Ken had accused him of spying.
"Looks like he's even brought us some water", I pointed to the water bottle Jamie was holding in his hand. Jamie gave a half-smile and held out the bottle, "It was hot when I went outside and I ... I didn't think you'd taken any with you so ..."
"Thanks Jamie", I said, taking the offered bottle and downing a large gulp of the cool water. I held the bottle out towards Ken and he took it, his face softening from the earlier look of anger.
I looked back at Jamie and he held my eyes for a moment, and in that moment I knew he'd seen everything. I was still hoping that everything could work out. For all of us.
"Thanks, I guess ...", Ken said after having taken a drink of water, "... look uhm ... I guess I ... well I didn't mean to yell at you. You just took me by surprise is all."
"I would've been here sooner, but my tire was running flat so I stopped at the station to put some air in it." Jamie was covering that he'd seen anything. Some of the tension left my body, and I could also see Ken visibly relax a bit. I still wasn't sure if Jamie would say or do anything at some point, but for the moment I felt that he was going to let Ken think that we'd gotten away with it.
For a while we all sat at the edge of the boxcar, passing the water bottle back and forth and talking. Nothing specific or deep. Just I guess what guys that age talk about, making stupid jokes and laughing like it's the funniest thing ever. It felt normal. Just plain normal.
We realized that the mid-day sun had given way to late afternoon and decided that we'd better head back before one or the other of our mothers declared us missing. Riding back I felt good, really good. Better than I'd probably felt in a long time. For the moment I'd forgotten to worry about Jamie or to worry about what was happening between Ken and I.
We parted ways when we got back, each of us going into our respective homes. Mom didn't mention our morning talk when I came in nor did she comment on me coming home without my shirt on. As she was finishing dinner, I went to my room, dropped my soiled shirt onto my laundry pile and put on a clean one. I looked in the mirror. I felt good. And I guess it must've showed because over dinner she commented that I seemed to be in a good mood. My father added 'for a change' and grinned. I feigned some teen disgust and rolled my eyes, but couldn't help smiling. We were nearly done eating when the phone rang. I jumped up and grabbed it.
"Hello?"
"Hey cocksucker", Ken whispered.
"What did you say? Who is this?" I replied, trying to deepen my voice a little, knowing full well who it was.
"Oh ah ... I ah ...I mean ...", Ken stammered on the other end of the line.
I thought I would keep the gag going for a bit, but realized my parents were looking at me oddly and I lost it. I started giggling and laughing, more so at the joke this could've been than the brief startle I gave Ken.
"Asshole!" Ken practically shouted now. I could hear Ken's mother in the background telling him to watch his language.
"I almost pissed myself", Ken added in a more normal tone, "for a second I thought it was your dad!"
I laughed again, "That'll teach you to ...". I'd almost finished with "call me a cocksucker" when I saw my parents were still looking at me.
"What's going on?" I asked.
"Well, I was going to ask you to come over tonight ...", Ken started, "... but now I don't know if I should."
Naturally I assumed Ken was joking so I asked my parents if it was okay for me to stay at Ken's place. My parents agreed and turned back to finish dinner.
"I'll be over in an hour", I told Ken and hung up before he could say anything else. I knew if I let him, he'd go on and on, dragging this out while the last of my dinner got cold.
"Another night at Ken's?" my father asked as I sat back down. I nodded as I stuffed the last few bites into my mouth.
"We're going to have to start paying them for food and lodging", my father joked.
"I only hope you have better manners when you eat at their house", my mother added, "or do you fill your mouth until it almost spills out like you're doing now?"
Of course I knew my mother hadn't intended it like that, but I started coughing and practically spitting out my mouthful as I suddenly envisioned Ken's cock filling my mouth until it overflowed with his spunk.
"See?" my mother went on, clearly feeling vindicated at having pointed out my lack of table manners.
I swallowed what I could and took a drink of water to help it all slide down, "Yes Moooom".
"I swear, instead of becoming more mature you seem to be turning into a five year old", she carried on, while my father smiled and gave me a wink.
"Don't you encourage him!" she admonished, having caught him.
"May I be excused?" I asked in my most pretentious sounding voice as I got up. I could tell mom was trying to remain somewhat stern, but even she started to laugh and waved me off.
I went to my room and closed the door. I grabbed my small backpack and threw in some clean underwear and a fresh shirt for tomorrow. I decided that I ought to change my shorts as well, so I stripped out of them and threw them in the pile with my other dirty clothes. Selecting a clean pair out of my drawers, I stopped at the mirror again. I thought I looked pretty good; my impression of myself generally followed my mood, typically feeling repulsive when my mood was sour.
I lifted my shirt and tensed my stomach, trying to force out a six-pack, or at least something that resembled one. It didn't really work, although I felt like I could see a faint outline if I squinted hard enough. Looking further down I was pleased with how I filled out my briefs. I liked seeing the outline of my penis as it pushed out above my balls. I knew that I seemed to be developing faster than a lot of the other guys in our grade, and had noticed more than one of them checking out my prominent bulge. I could see and feel my dick starting to harden, so I turned away from the mirror and stepped into my shorts. Under ordinary circumstances I would have watched myself get hard, getting aroused at seeing my briefs being obscenely tented out and catching a glimpse of my balls through the widening gap between the white cotton and top of my thighs. Often I would slip my hand into my briefs to stroke my dick, and watching a wet spot form where the head pressed tightly against the cloth. Sometimes I'd finish myself off like that, enjoying the feeling and sight of my cum first start to spread slightly on the outside of the cotton before squirting out and onto the floor in front of the mirror.
I shivered slightly at the thought as I pulled up the zipper of my shorts over my semi erect dick. Tonight I wanted to save myself for Ken. I didn't exactly know what we were going to do, but for some reason I wanted it to be special, shivering again at the thought of Ken's finger pressed lightly into my virgin hole. If I'd been honest with myself I'd have said I wanted it to be romantic, but I wasn't quite there with acknowledging how I was feeling about Ken. I remembered the tender kiss we'd shared earlier, and again the thought of love passed through my head. For some reason it seemed to be okay to think about loving Ken, but wanting something romantic struck me as girly.
Looking at my watch, I saw that it was almost time to go to Ken's. It felt like the entire day I'd been losing track of time as I realized that I'd been lost in my thoughts standing by the mirror putting on my shorts for almost 30 minutes. I grabbed my backpack and headed back out. I barely acknowledged my mother as she reminded me to display at some small level of civil manners at Ken's.
I walked into Ken's backyard, heading for the door when I saw Jamie putting his bike in their small shed.
"Hey!" I shouted, clearly startling him.
He turned, gave me the finger and grinned. After he had put his bike away he walked over to me.
"Hey", he replied, "staying over again I guess?"
"Yeah, looks like it", I grinned, "what're you doing tonight?"
His grin faded slightly, "Nothing ... as usual."
"Well, how about I talk Ken into letting you watch a movie with us?"
"Really?" his grin returned and broadened into a huge smile.
"Yeah, really", I said, ruffling his hair, "... and thanks. About earlier."
Jamie just smiled and nodded, and we both went in the house. I was beginning to feel really comfortable at Ken's, greeting his mom as I went downstairs to Ken's room.
Opening his door, I jumped in and said "A-ha!"
Ken was laying on his bed listening to the radio, "A-ha what? Did you think you were going to catch me doing something? You're such a horny fucker."
We both grinned. I threw my backpack on the floor and sat on the edge of his bed.
"So? What're we doing tonight?" I asked.
Ken raised his eyebrows suggestively and I laughed, "Now who's the horny fucker?"
"Well how about we watch a movie before ...", Ken started, leaving me to fill in the rest on my own.
"Sounds good. Is Jamie going to watch with us?" I asked.
"Jamie?" Ken replied, "Why would let him watch with us?", he added, again raising his eyebrows suggestively.
"Yeah", I said, ignoring the how-are-we-going-to-grope-each-other question implied by his expression, "I just thought it'd be nice. You could be nice.", I added, emphasizing the word 'you'.
"Okay, okay", Ken responded, "I guess I could", somewhat softly adding, "I guess if I'm being honest I do sort of miss hanging out with the little bugger. Just a little."
I knew he had added that last bit as a way of pretending that it wasn't entirely cool to be hanging out with your younger brother. I figured I wouldn't make any jokes given that he had all but admitted that he still loved Jamie. 14 year old boys just didn't say they loved their brothers, but I knew what he meant and so did he. Rising from the bed, he punched my arm on his way to the door of his room.
"Hey squirt!" he shouted, not bothering to go upstairs.
His mother said something about maybe using his legs to come up instead of using his voice, but Jamie responded from the top of the stairs, "Yeah?"
"Wanna watch a movie with us?", he asked and without waiting for answer added, "And bring some snacks and drinks with yah."
Shortly he came down, bringing several bags of chips, pretzels and three bottles of cola. We settled ourselves on the floor in front of the couch, Ken and Jamie on either side of me. For the next few hours we were pretty much glued to the television, watching a couple of sci-fi flicks, making crude comments about some of the female actors, belching loudly as we drank our sodas, and running to the bathroom during commercials to take our 'wicked bad leaks'.
It was nearly midnight when Ken's mom came down to tell Jamie it was time for bed. Naturally he protested and looked at us with a let-me-stay expression on his face.
Without really thinking or asking Ken I said, "Maybe next time we can all plan to camp out down here. Or at my place. Whatever."
Ken gave me a puzzled look, but Jamie seemed elated at the prospect and it shut down his protests at having to go to bed tonight. He was saying how cool that would be and asking his mom if that would be okay. We could hear her say that it would be entirely up to us to let him stay with us or not. The last thing we heard was her telling us not to stay up all night. With that we were alone.
"What was that?" Ken asked, looking at me like I'd maybe lost my mind.
"I just ... I don't know ... I guess ...", I fumbled for an answer, finally mockingly adding, "I guess I was impressed with how nice you were to invite to watch movies with us. You're a real model for me, y'know."
Ken laughed, but I knew my answer wouldn't satisfy him. I could see the wheels in his head turning, but for the moment he didn't say anything.
"Wanna go to bed now too?" was what he asked, and in response I raised my eyebrows suggestively, as he had been doing earlier. Ken smiled, but said nothing else.
After having brushed our teeth we entered Ken's room, closing the door behind us. As we stripped to our briefs I could tell Ken was still thinking, but I wasn't sure if it was about my invitation to Jamie or about something else. Maybe us. This was not how I had imagined us getting ready for bed would play out tonight. I had thought that we would kiss and slowly strip each other, taking our time, touching and feeling each other as we went along. The thought caused me to start to bulge in my briefs, but Ken had already slid into bed under the sheets, turning on his small bedside lamp and telling me to turn out the overhead light. I slid into bed next to him, not exactly sure how to proceed. It felt like the high I'd been riding all day was starting to crash.
"Is something wrong?" I finally asked, "Is it because I invited Jamie to maybe crash out with us sometime? Or ..."
Ken was quiet before replying, "No ... yes ... I don't know."
In an attempt to try to salvage at least some of what I had imagined tonight would be like, I slide my hand over and onto Ken's crotch, softly kneading him through his briefs before sliding my hand below the waistband.
Although I could feel Ken dick responding, he surprised me by pushing my hand away.
I didn't know what to do now, when Ken said, " I guess I'm feeling a little guilty. And I'm ... ", he trailed off.
"You're ... ?" I prodded gently, "... why do you feel guilty? Is it ... because of us? What we've been doing?"
"No ... no, it's not, that's all ... hot", Ken replied, throwing me a quick grin and a flash of his brilliant blue eyes. "It's about Jamie. Why I've been ... well, kind of ... not exactly avoiding him, but ..."
"I thought maybe it was because of me?", I half-asked, "I mean, we've been spending a lot of time together lately."
"No, it's not that. Well, not entirely that", Ken replied, "If he hangs out with us ... if he ... sleeps with us ..."
Ken stopped for a moment before continuing, his voice having gone low and quiet, "... what if ... something happens?"
Suddenly I knew what he was talking about. Jamie had told me that Ken had let him masturbate him to orgasm several months ago. I'd never really considered how that had made him feel, it had sounded, well ... hot to me, thinking about Jamie's small hand wrapped around Ken's prick. I shivered at the thought. I didn't want to let on that I knew, but I wanted Ken to say it. Not because I would find it erotic, but because I figured Ken needed to say it if he was going to feel better about it. Kind of the way mom had made me feel better when she got me to talk about Daryl.
"Ken", I began, "... did ... did something happen? Between you and Jamie?"
Ken dropped his head to his knees before responding in an almost whisper, "Yes."
I hugged him and held him tight, and although there were tears in his eyes he didn't begin to cry as he continued, "It was a few months ago. Jamie had a ... well he'd had a wet dream and I walked in on him cleaning himself up in the bathroom. At first I thought I'd caught him masturbating. Then we ... we started talking, I was ... telling him about y'know, jacking off so that he wouldn't have so many wet dreams. I ended up ... well, he seemed confused so I ... was going to show him how I do it, and ... he jerked me off. My little brother made me cum."
"Ken", I said softly, still hugging him, "that's not so bad, you were just ... I don't know, you were just being a big brother teaching his little brother. That's all. You shouldn't be so upset over it."
"I didn't mean for him to do it, I thought he would just y'know, stroke himself the way I was doing it ... but then he touched me and ... and I didn't stop him. It ... felt good, y'know? Before I knew it I was ... all over me and his hand."
"Okay", I said, "well ... of course it would feel good. You were probably already horny and well ... somebody else jerking your cock is gonna feel good, right?"
"It's not just that", he said, lifting his head and looking at me, "I ... it didn't just feel good ... I ... I liked it. And then ... well I saw him taste some off his fingers. I don't think he knows I saw him ... I suddenly pictured him ... pictured him sucking me ... my little brother swallowing my ... I just didn't think that I could ... trust myself to be alone with him too much. What if I ...? When I masturbated after that ... well, I didn't want to, but I thought about it. More than just once."
"C'mon Ken, it's not like you're suddenly going to rape your little brother. You can't help what pops into your head when you're beating your meat. I'd be embarrassed to tell you all the people that have come up in my thoughts when I do it. God."
Ken let out a long breath and even smiled a little. I knew he felt better for having told someone. Having told me. It didn't occur to me right then, but it was huge sign of just how much he trusted me.
"Look", I continued, "... it happened. And that's that. It doesn't mean it would ever happen again. And even if it did ..." I trailed off.
Ken looked at me, "What're you saying? Are you ... you want to ... with my brother?"
"I'm not saying anything. But ... look, I'm not gonna lie ... I've thought about it. About Jamie. When I've ... beat off. I mean c'mon, he's a slightly younger version of you, and you're cute as hell."
Ken laughed, "Dirty fucker."
I laughed too, feeling like maybe we'd gotten past the really awkward part of the conversation, "Yeah well ... that's why you like me so much."
"Maybe"
"Anyway. Don't worry about it. If something ... anything happens ... it's not like we'd be forcing him to do anything he doesn't want."
"Oh my god, just how much have you thought about this?" Ken asked, his eyes wide.
"Enough", I replied, "... enough for now anyway."
I let my hand slide back down between Ken's legs and felt that he was rock hard, "So I'm a dirty fucker? You're fucking hard as hell thinking about us and Jamie!" I teased.
"Never mind that now, let's move on." Ken grinned and responded by also letting his hand slide between my legs.