This is a story about a love between two teenage boys and how it developed into manhood. The usual disclaimers apply: If you are under the age of 18, or reading such material is illegal in your jurisdiction, then please leave this story unread now. There are within the story explicit descriptions of sex between boys, but that is not the main theme; so if your thing is reading stories that are purely sex in nature then this story will probably not be to your liking.
The story is made up of both fact and fantasy. The people herein are real, but their names have been changed. The rest of the story, as I said, is a mixture of fact and fantasy, but frankly there is a lot more fact than I had originally planned.
I have received a lot of email, some of it accusing me of treating a true love pretty badly. It's true, I did! I make no excuses because there are none. There were many incidents that I have not related here, but in each case I sought and got resolution from Kenny himself. Otherwise I doubt I could have lived with myself. There was a song in the late 50's or early 60's entitled "You Always Hurt the One You Love," and there is a similar saying going back even further. I guess I am a living illustration of that expression. I apologize to those who have suffered pain from reading this story, I'm just trying to tell it like it is (or was).
Kenny_15: Beginning a Career
I have talked a lot in this story about natural talent, how one is born with this or that natural ability with no explanation, no rhyme nor reason to determine who gets what. One such talent I feel I have been blessed with abundantly is the knack for attaching myself to wonderful people! If you have read the previous fourteen chapters I don't have to repeat their names, you already know who they are. And it's not important anyway; what is important is to realize you have such a gift; and I didn't realize it until much later in my life. Without a lot of very special people, I think my life would have been much worse than it's been. And they kept coming, and still do to this day!
I took my first computer course and did well. By today's standards, and even the standards of the day, the entire thing was pretty primitive; but I was "talking" to a computer, making it do my bidding, and I found that exciting. Now it was March, 1961, and our final term! Kenny and I were graduating seniors! There was a second course being offered now, and I was determined to take it. But my student advisor had other ideas.
"What do you mean, you never took History 101?" Doug Bryant said as he went over my schedule, "That's a freshman course! Why on earth did you wait so long?"
"I... well I just couldn't ever fit it in," I said.
"Bullshit!" he replied simply, "You just didn't want to take it."
"But all I want," I pleaded, "Is to take Computer Programming II instead. I don't see why that's such a big deal."
"The big deal," he pointed out, "Is that History 101 is not an elective, it's a required course!"
"But," I argued, "I'm not trying to be an historian, I want to be a programmer. Wouldn't it make more sense to take something that's really relevant to my career?"
"It doesn't matter what makes sense," he said, "I cannot authorize this schedule unless you take History. It's a required course and you simply won't graduate unless you take it. Period!" I could tell he was getting rather steamed so I agreed and signed up for the course, knowing it would be trouble for me. Indiana Tech offered a no-frills type of program, with few electives and very few humanities. There were basic economics, psychology, and of course History! I had taken the others but for some reason I had a real mental block about history and I knew I could never pass it. So I had put it off, on the suggestion of some upper classmen, in hopes that as a graduating senior they would cut me some slack. Well, it didn't work! What can I say?
The good news is that when I got home that day Kenny was waiting for me. He had some very good news, and good news always made him horny. So did bad news, and come to think of it, no news at all. I was 22 years old now, and Kenny 21. We had expected that our sex drive would fall off just a little, but it seemed that the opposite was happening. Those were without doubt the happiest, most carefree days of our lives! We frequently didn't have enough to eat, were always struggling to dig up tuition for the next term, and never had much to wear. Our old Chevy frequently sat in the driveway out of gas, but it didn't matter. We had each other and there was no price on love, it was in our case free for the taking. And we took it, in the physical sense, almost every night!
"You got a letter from IBM," Kenny announced before I had even put my books down, "And so did I!" Big deal, right? Well, it WAS a big deal. The on-campus interviews were going strong and Kenny and I had been interviewing hard. But for some reason when IBM came to campus we had missed the event until the sign-up sheet was full. We appealed to the secretary in charge, hoping she could squeeze in another two, but she said flatly that she could not. But on her suggestion we had left our resumes with her. She told us that often interviewers would call such people after all his interviews were over for the day. She had assured us that with our grades we would have a good chance of getting to see him. Well we had waited next to the phone for two days, but the call had never come. So we had concluded that IBM, if it was a possibility at all, was out of the question for the time being.
"I didn't open mine," Kenny told me, "I thought it'd be cool to open them together." And that's what we did. The envelopes were quite thick, a fact which had driven Kenny almost crazy while he waited for me to get home. When we finally tore them open, we each found a return plane ticket to Poughkeepsie, New York, and a letter inviting us to an on-site interview, a few pages about the company, and our interview itinerary. I stood and stared at the letter, then at Kenny. The contents of two envelopes fell to the floor. As our eyes locked together our bodies came together and we embraced, and then we kissed. "It... it's happing, Kenny!" I cried, "It's really happening! I can't believe it!"
"Believe it, Charlie!" Kenny said after we'd kissed again, "This is the payoff. We made it!"
"Not quite, I reminded him, "We still have to get the job offer, and I still have to pass that fucking history course."
"Oh. So you didn't manage to sweet talk Bryant into letting you off?"
"Nope. I've gotta take it."
I should at this point explain how it was in 1961 for new college graduates. We were actively sought, almost romanced by employers. I was flown all over the country to various interviews, lived the life of a globetrotter my senior year. I would not have been the least surprised if an interviewer had dropped to his knees and begged me to take the job he was offering. In 1961 all companies were experiencing rampant growth, there seemed no end of available money, and it was almost impossible to get good, qualified people. That's the environment we found ourselves in as we set about to find a career. But I had set my sights on IBM and nothing else would do. Kenny was equally committed, but so were thousands of other seniors all over the country, because at that time IBM was truly king. They were good to their employees, were extremely rich, had incredible research facilities, and inexhaustible resources. So those letters we'd received meant a lot to us.
There would be little point in going into detail on the trip to IBM, except to say that Kenny and I had a wonderful honeymoon at the Poughkeepsie Inn in downtown Poughkeepsie. Neither of us had ever been to New York, so the entire trip was, well, a real trip! There were two other Tech students with us, and we all ate together after we'd checked in. Afterwards the other two wanted to go out on the town, but Kenny and I had only one thought: to get into bed! So we both excused ourselves and did exactly that. We each had our own rooms, but mine was never slept in, never disturbed. I have often wondered what the maid thought when she went to make up that room.
To make a long story short Kenny and I both received job offers from IBM. I accepted mine in a heartbeat, but Kenny held off. He wanted to take another job, with AT&T, but that would mean we'd be separated by about 75 miles. We agonized over the decision for a long time. Eventually he decided to take the IBM offer. I don't think it was his job preference, but it meant we could live together, and that's what was important to Kenny.Now all we had to do was get through graduation and get on with our lives.
"Kenny!" I practically screamed, "My father! He's coming! He's coming to my graduation!" That little announcement was rewarded by a big, warm hug, and a few kisses so deep and sweet I wondered why I cared who the hell came or didn't come.
"That is SO cool!" Kenny exclaimed, "You're such a lucky guy!"
I knew what Kenny meant. He wanted more than anything for his father to be there, but of course that simply wasn't going to happen. "He'll be there," I whispered to him, "You might not get to hug him, but he'll be there."
"I know, Charlie," he said with tears in his eyes, "He's got two sons graduating. I just wish... you know..."
"Yeah, I do know," I answered, "I wish he could be here so I could hug him too."
That night Kenny and I made love like never before. There was no genital involvement whatsoever; only gentle touching, embracing, kissing. Kenny was more overcome with grief than I had ever seen him, and I realized that for once it wasn't me in crisis, it was Kenny! I felt honored to be called upon to comfort him as he had done for me countless times. There were very few words, just gentleness and understanding. I doubt that I could ever love anyone as much as I loved Kenny that night.
As time went on we established a healthy guest list. My father and my sister were both coming, as was Mom Collins, Robbie and Tanya, and their two daughters. In my traditional fashion I found myself wondering what would happen to screw things all up.
When exams came we were more than ready. We had a fairly light course load and we knew, I mean KNEW, that we could deal with anything they could throw at us. That is, all except for one little three credit course. History! Kenny had tutored me and grilled me, several of our friends had quizzed me endlessly and even made up some crib notes for me, which I'm proud to say I refused to use.
The History final was on a Thursday morning. It was given by the instructor himself, Prof. Bascham. As he was handing out the papers he announced "I will be here in this room at our regular class time next Tuesday. If anyone is interested, we'll go over the exam at that time."
Was he nuts? We had never heard of such a thing before! I was certain no one would show up.
"You'll be there," Kenny announced firmly when I told him of the unusual offer.
"Why?" I argued, "I hate history! I just want it to be over!"
"But you told me you're pretty sure you flunked."
"Maybe not," I mused, "I'm pretty sure I spelled my name right, and I think I might've answered 5 or 6 questions out of the 120 or so."
"That's why you're gonna be there next Tuesday. You're gonna do some ass-kissing, Charlie! Bascham is so into history he'll be impressed when his worst student shows up to learn what he missed on the exam. And if that leads to physical ass-kissing, you're gonna do that too!"
"He'll see right through that. And besides, the thought of kissing his ass is disgusting!" I grinned.
"Yeah," Kenny laughed, "I guess you're right. But if it'll help, you're gonna do it! You're gonna be early too!"
Tuesday morning, thirty minutes before class time, I was sitting in my regular seat in Mr. Bascham's class. No one else was in the room except Mr. Bascham himself, who sat at the teacher's desk rustling through some papers. Aside from the soft rustling of paper there was silence in the room. It was as if we were the only two people in the entire building. Of course classes were out, so there were indeed few people around.
"You're graduating this term aren't you?" Bascham said suddenly. I was somewhat startled, but there being no one else there I knew he had to be talking to me.
"Well," I answered slowly, "I thought I was. Now I'm not so sure."
"You mean because of this?" he said, holding up a paper with red markings all over it.
"Yes sir," I answered, "I just can't seem to get it."
"What's your average?" he wanted to know.
"3.8," I answered.
"Hmmmm... Well, you obviously don't have that problem with the rest of your courses. I understand you already have a job?"
"Yes, sir."
"Then you'd better get ready to graduate with your class. I'm not going to stand in the way of your success over some history class that
you'll probably never use anyway."
YYYYYEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS! Thank you Kenny! Thank you Mr. Bascham!
I got a "D" on that course, the only "D" I got at Tech. But to me it was sweeter than any A+++! We did go over the exam, although he never did let me see my answer sheet. I could tell from all the red on it that it was at least as bad as I'd thought, but he spared me from the gory details. There were 5 or 6 of us in the room as he went over the questions, and you know what? I found myself listening attentively, and even retaining some of the facts, figures, and dates that I could never remember before.
"Thanks man," I said to Kenny, "Without your idea I would never have passed that course."
"Purely selfish," he assured me, "I didn't want to leave without you."
"Kenny," I said honestly, "You never did a selfish thing in your life! I doubt that you know how to be selfish." I meant that comment; it wasn't made to earn brownie points. But it did earn some, lots of them, which I collected as soon as we were in bed that night. The sex we shared seemed to be getting more intense as time went by. It was as if Kenny was doing his best to keep me so satisfied, so sexually fulfilled, that I wouldn't repeat my little fling with Jimmy. He assured me that this wasn't the case, that he simply couldn't get enough of me. That worked out well because I couldn't get enough of him either.
One week before the graduation I got a phone call. Actually looking back I'd been expecting it I think, only I didn't know it. "This is Aunt Hazel," the voice of my father's sister said to me, "Charlie, you father won't be able to come to your graduation. He's had a heart attack."
"A heart attack?" I echoed, Is he... is he all right?"
"He's fine now," she answered, "But that would be too long a drive for him." I thanked her, we talked for a while... I had always liked Aunt Hazel, but I never realized until after she was dead how much she adored me. I had never had too much time for her, but thank God I was always nice to her, as nearly as I can remember.
I wondered why he hadn't called himself, but my main concern was that my sister wouldn't make it either. Dad was supposed to drive through Ottawa on he way and pick her and the family up, then we would all have a short vacation together. Now it seemed that Joan wouldn't be there either. That is until she phoned the next day. She asked me to meet a certain flight, stating emphatically that nothing was going to keep her away from her little brother's graduation. Now, I cannot state quite so confidently that I was always nice to Joan... as I have said before, I was a little brother, and a good one if you know what I mean.
Kenny was really frisky the night before graduation. Our apartment wasn't even close to big enough to house everyone, so we had all gone out to eat, then the visitors all went to a hotel. Kenny and I arrived home at about midnight. I went to the kitchen for a snack while he went into the bedroom and closed the door. When I opened the door ten minutes later, Kenny was standing there in his cap and gown, with the widest grin I'd ever seen on his angelic face. "What the..." I said with surprise, "What're you doing?"
"Gonna have our own little ceremony," he announced, "Soon as you get ready." I asked what he meant but he didn't tell me - he showed me instead. He took my hand and ran it along his side, around to his front to his groin. I realized he was naked under the gown, and he was giving every indication he wanted me in a similar state. In record time I had stripped and stood before him dressed in my black robe and mortarboard, with absolutely nothing underneath.
"Have you ever been sucked off by a graduate engineer?" Kenny asked with a grin that lit his whole face.
"Never," I assured him, "And I think it's high time we changed that, don't you?"
"I've never sucked an engineer either," he said as he sank to his knees. He lifted my gown enough to get his head under, then rose to his objective, and I felt his lips as he kissed my already raging erection gently. Then I felt the ring of warmth as he engulfed the head, then slid his lips slowly to the base. His body was completely under my gown now, so that I thought I must have looked a lot like a pregnant woman. I could hear muffled sounds of sucking intermixed with soft moans as the sensation of Kenny's efforts drove me at warp speed into another world. I didn't, couldn't move. I was truly transfixed as Kenny brought me to the brink, then released me to let me descend again. After he'd done this three times I backed away, pulled the gown from over his body and pulled him to his feet. Then it was my turn.
I followed Kenny's example and dropped to my knees, pulled his gown over my head and in the darkness sought out his extremely hard penis. I don't think I'd ever had a sensation like that before. I kissed my way up his slightly hairy legs until I reached my goal, then nuzzled the pubic hair I found there, till I reached the base of my desire. When I finally put my lips around his most sensitive body part, I could feel his knees tremble slightly. I knew it wouldn't be long. I tried to match his ministerings, but Kenny had a shorter sexual fuse than I did, and after the second time his knees really wobbled and I felt the familiar, wonderful gush of his seminal fluid as it invaded my mouth.
When he had more or less recovered, Kenny pulled me to my feet and again sank to his knees. It only took a few seconds and very light contact and I was shooting into his waiting mouth. The emotion, the sense of accomplishment, the feeling of intense, almost frantic love, were so strong my orgasm would have knocked me over had Kenny not been kneeling in front of me, his hands steadying me by grasping and holding my buttocks.
As soon as I was finished filling his mouth he stood and faced me. I looked into his eyes. Those liquid brown eyes that had always reduced me to a blithering idiot. "I love you, graduate!" he whispered, and then he kissed me. My mouth still held his semen and his mine. As our tongues entwined and our loads intermingled, the tears came to my eyes as I realized once more just how special was this beautiful creature that I called my lover. When the contents of our mouths were thoroughly mixed, we broke the kiss and swallowed in unison. I thought once more, it just doesn't get any better than this!
We had to spend a fair bit of time cleaning up our gowns before we slept that night, but no matter, we knew we wouldn't sleep anyway. And when we were finally with our classmates waiting for the speeches to be over so we could receive our diplomas, Kenny and I were both feeling that wonderful post-anal-sex glow. I seriously doubt that anyone who looked very carefully would not know what had happened only hours before.
"Geesh, you guys!" Robbie exclaimed when he arrived at 9:00 the next morning, "What'd you two do, fuck all night? It smells like a whorehouse in here!"
"Dunno what you're talking about," I answered, at which Kenny got a serious case of the giggles, which quickly spread to me. By the time we'd finished breakfast we were both giggling and cackling like a couple of twelve year old girls. And we kept it up until the actual ceremony had started.
When the speeches started I was in deep thought and didn't hear a word. I was thinking of the past five years and all I'd learned. Oh yes, I learned all about calculus and Ohm's Law, how to calculate the magnetic force around a coil of wire, how to determine the current carrying capacity of a power transistor, but I'd learned so much more. I learned how to mop a floor the right way, I learned through bitter experience how to run a power scrubber. And there was one particular incident that taught me that people around the world really aren't all that different.
It happened one Saturday afternoon in our Junior year. Our apartment was filled with students, some of our friends and some others we didn't even know: friends of friends of ours. It hadn't been arranged, it was just one of those times when everyone seemed to congregate in our apartment. A pillow fight erupted, and in no time the apartment was totally trashed. There were pillows and feathers and laughing students everywhere! When we finally tired of our game we sat around in the mess, totally exhausted. And that was when I realized the make-up of the group. There were Gay and Straight; white, black, brown and yellow; there were Canadians, Americans, Indians, orientals, and even one Russian. But we all enjoyed our pillow fight equally! We were all boys, doing what boys do best: having a good time! I told Kenny about my thoughts later, and he agreed that it was a totally awesome experience.
I had learned to write good, no, great technical reports, thanks to Dr. Steinbeck. The good doctor taught an English course titled "Technical report writing." He told us the first day of class that engineers had a reputation for being very bad writers, but that no one would pass his course unless they could write and write well. He was reputed to be a tough teacher and a tyrant, but Kenny and I loved him. Other students advised us to avoid him at all costs, but we thrived in his class. We learned a lot from him and were indeed good writers when the course was over, as evidenced by the many lab reports we had to write.
I learned to write newspaper stories, which, I found out, were exactly opposite to fiction and to perhaps a lesser extent, technical papers. A good newspaper article, I learned, was written with the most important facts, the climax if you will, first, then followed with each detail in decreasing importance, so that a reader did not have to go through the entire article to glean the points that were important points. The details were all there, but placed so that anyone who didn't care about them could still get the salient facts without going through the entire article.
I had also learned to love my life as a Gay lover. Kenny and I were accepted more or less for who and what we were, the important things being nothing about sex or even love for that matter. The world did indeed have tolerance, if one only could find it.
We had not told anyone a small aspect of the whole proceeding: We were not receiving one degree, but two. We both got our engineering degree, and we both also received a degree in Math. "You mischievous little shits!" Robbie exclaimed, "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Didn't think of it," I answered as I embraced my Kenny again, "By the time you get an engineering degree you're so close to having all the requirements for a math degree, we decided we might as well do it right." It's true, it was no big deal. But to our family it was proof positive of our dedication: to our education, to our upcoming career, and more than anything, our commitment to each other.
"I'm only sorry Dad couldn't be here today," Joan said with obvious sarcasm. She had evidently questioned his reasons for not coming the same as I had.
"It's his loss," I said defiantly, "Besides, I did this for ME! Me and Kenny! Not him, not anyone else, and this might sound a little conceited, but I'm damn proud of both of us! But I'm awful glad you're here, Big Sis. It means so much to me, your accepting what I am and supporting me here today. We don't really need anyone else in our family, long as the Collins family is a part of our lives."
Mom Collins tried to chastise us and convince us that we really did love and need our father, but neither Joan nor I at that moment felt anything but indifference. "You don't understand, Mom," I told her, "You just don't understand relationships that don't include love. And that's why I love you so much."
We didn't go home after graduation. There was another new computer course being offered during the summer, and although we'd get no credit for it, Kenny and I both thought we could benefit from the added experience, so we stayed and audited the course. To be honest I think we just wanted to delay our departure as much as possible. Fort Wayne had been good to us, and neither of us wanted it to end. When we finally got back to Moncton (Yeah, that's the name of the town where we grew up) it was early August. We had a full month to hang out, celebrate, party, whatever, before we had to report for work in Poughkeepsie. We probably would have been well advised to find a place to live, but we didn't. This was the time for rest and relaxation, for total brain-dead behavior. There would be lots of time to be serious and responsible the rest of our lives.
I have not introduced my friend Dave, and I probably should have. Dave was a good friend I'd met during my motorcycling, drinking days. He owned a motorcycle too, and the two of us had become very good friends. To my knowledge Dave had never had, nor did he want, a homosexual experience. He was a pretty good looking guy and once, when we were both pretty drunk, I had tried, but got absolutely nowhere. He didn't know then, and still doesn't to my knowledge, that I had the slightest gay inkling. We were just very good friends. Dave had somehow learned that I was coming to town and was on the phone calling me before I'd been home 24 hours. My father had asked me to stay with him, which Mom C. encouraged, and so I consented.
I found my father in pretty good health when I got home. He'd had a minor Angina attack, but was now fully recovered and back to work. He began dragging me all around town like I was some sort of 8th wonder of the world, bragging and blowing about his son that just got two degrees. I couldn't help feeling a little bitter. What did he have to be proud of? He had done nothing but put me down my whole life, even telling me I didn't have what it takes to go to college. And now it was HIS son who was so wonderful? But under threat of death from Mom C. I said nothing, just rolled with the flow. After the third day I'd had enough and announced that I was moving back to the Collins' using the excuse that my back was bothering me sleeping on that day bed in the den. The truth was it wasn't my back bothering me, it was my heart. I didn't feel that this was my home any more, and a day bed in the den just confirmed that feeling. I was also missing Kenny, even though he was only a five minute drive away.
"Damn it's good to talk to ya again," Dave said into the phone, "I got a real surprise for you. We're going to a party tonight, you and me. I've even got a date lined up for you!"
"A date?" I questioned, "With whom?"
"No one that you know. I'm going with a nurse in training, and Cathy is one of her classmates."
"But I don't know..." I protested.
"Come on!" he coaxed, "It's no big deal. Just a little party, and Cathy is a real nice girl."
I checked with Kenny, and he was no help at all. "You go," he said, "Your friends will probably all be there so you can see them all at once. Besides, I've been stuck with you for the past five years, I'll enjoy a night off."
"But I hate to go without you."
"Now why would I go? I don't know any of those guys. Naw, I'll just hang out here at home. Maybe I'll call some of my cousins and just kinda catch up on the gossip." And so I reluctantly agreed to double date with Dave, his girl Susan, and Cathy. Dave didn't have a car, so Kenny told me to take the old Chevy, that he could borrow his mom's car if he wanted to go anywhere.
I had a good time at the party in spite of myself. Most of my old friends were there and seemed genuinely glad to see me. There was lots to drink, but Cathy announced early in the evening that she didn't drink, so I stayed away from the booze as well. We didn't dance much because Cathy didn't enjoy dancing at all, so we just sat and talked, catching up on each other's lives and getting to know new friends. Cathy was living in the nurses' residence at the hospital, even though her parents lived only a few miles away. I wondered about this, but Cathy explained that living in was a requirement of the program she was in.
"I had a really nice time," she said when we were at the front door of the residence.
"Me too," I said. I kissed her softly, and discovered that I really enjoyed it. I cannot explain the difference, but I found myself wanting to do it again. And so I did.
"Can I see you again?" I found myself asking.
"I'd like that," she answered with a smile. So we agreed to go out to dinner and a movie on Friday, day after tomorrow.
"So how'd it go?" Kenny wanted to know as soon as I joined him in his bed.
"She was really nice," I told him, "We're going out again Friday night. You wanna get a girl so we can double date?"
"Maybe," he answered thoughtfully, "But it's been so long since I've taken out a girl it'll feel so strange."
Kenny did get a date with a girl named Judy, whom he'd dated once or twice before in high school. She was obviously ga-ga over him, but he offered her no encouragement, insisting to me that to him she was just a girl. As for Cathy and me, we had a wonderful time! I found myself wanting to see her again. For the next month we double dated, or when I took Cathy out alone Kenny took Judy and we each did our own thing.
By Labor Day weekend, our last weekend in town, it was pretty well known by our friends that Cathy and I were going together. Funny isn't it? Neither Kenny nor I realized what was happening, but everyone around us did. When it did dawn on me, I decided to tell her the truth about Kenny and me. I took her out that last Friday evening, and after dinner I just drove to a secluded spot that was frequented by lovers, and we talked. I fully anticipated that our month long romance would be over as soon as she knew what I was about to tell her.
"There's something I have to tell you before I leave, Cathy,"
"Charlie," she said with some concern, "You're so serious! What's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong," I answered, "Not exactly. It's... it's Kenny."
"What's the matter?" she queried, "Is he sick or something?"
"No, he's fine. It's just that... well..."
"What, Charlie? What is it?"
"This isn't easy for me, Cathy, but you have a right to know. I mean, I like you, a LOT! I really like you and I've enjoyed this month so much. But Kenny and I... well Cathy, Kenny is my boy friend."
"Is that all?" she laughed, "Well this might come as a shock to you but that's obvious to anyone who cares to look. You guys have been best friends forever! Almost like brothers, except that brothers fight and you don't."
"Not like brothers, Cathy, like lovers! Kenny and I are... are Gay, and we're in love."
There was a deafening silence in the car for about five minutes. The car radio was playing softly but there was no other sound. Presently I couldn't stand the silence any more so I said "I'm sorry, Cathy, you didn't deserve to hear that, but I couldn't lie. Do you want me to take you home now?"
Another long silence. I could tell that Cathy was deep in thought.
"Please don't," she answered, her eyes beginning to fill with tears, "I've just been thinking about the past month. I've had a great time Charlie, and unless you just became gay five minutes ago, you're the same guy I met. You haven't changed, you just gave me more information about who and what you are. I'd like to see you again when you're in town, and right now I'd like you to kiss me. Telling me must've been difficult for you to do, and I appreciate it."
"But I can't promise you our relationship is going anywhere, in fact I can pretty well promise you it isn't. But I love being with you."
"That's enough for me," she said as she looked into my eyes, "I'm not looking for a husband, just someone I can go with and enjoy... someone I can trust. I think you fill that bill, Charlie.
I didn't see Cathy again because Kenny and I were leaving first thing Saturday morning for Poughkeepsie. We had to be at work in a week, and we had to find a place to stay until we could find an apartment, and we had to start shopping for two cars. The old Chevy had been a wonderful friend, but it was showing definite signs that it was looking toward retirement.
We had never heard the term 'bisexual,' nor were we aware that such a state existed. I was totally confused by what had happened. To my surprise I found myself very attracted to Cathy, but I was no less attracted to Kenny. I still craved intimacy with him, still loved him more than life, but I found myself more and more desiring Cathy.
We had been driving all day Saturday and had stopped just outside Boston for supper. We were sitting in a booth at a Howard Johnson's waiting for our order when Kenny said "That was some great vacation we had, wasn't it?"
"Yeah," I agreed, "It was really great."
That was when I astonished both of us. I started to cry!
No sooner had my eyes filled up with tears, Kenny's did too.
"It's Cathy, isn't it?" he said to me.
"How did you know?" I asked.
"Because... uh.... I'm already missing Judy too. What say we spend the night and talk?"
"Tonight? But we... we're supposed to drive straight through! And the money..."
"We've got enough, and I think this is important."
We did spend the night in Boston. As soon as our dinner was finished we found a cheap motel and checked in. Moments later we were naked and in bed. It was around 8:30. We made slow, deliberate, passionate love. It seemed that neither of us had initiated it, it just happened. But it was the first time in over a month that we hadn't just snatched a few minutes alone now and then, and it was truly beautiful.
"What d'you think?" Kenny asked as we lay together in our familiar pose after we'd finished.
"Think about what?" I asked dreamily.
"You know, what we just did. Did you enjoy it?"
"You know better than to ask, Kenny, of course I enjoyed it. Why? Was this some kinda test?"
"No," he said, "No test. I did it cause I wanted to, like always. But I kinda wondered if maybe you had lost interest. You know, going out with Cathy and all."
"Are you suggesting we're not gay after all? Cause if you are, you're holding one pretty screwed up straight guy who loves making love to you." And then it occurred to me. "Are... are you saying that you've changed?"
"I honestly don't know, Charlie. I enjoyed what we just did as much as I ever did, and there's no question I love you as much as ever. It's just... I dunno, I just..."
"Did you and Judy... you know... do it?"
"Hell no! She made it very clear that whoever marries her is going to marry a virgin. Did you and Cathy?"
"Nope, same answer."
"Then what's going on here, Charlie?"
"I dunno," I said, "But I got an idea a few more nights like tonight and we'll forget them, or at least stop crying for them. I want YOU, Kenny! And if you want me too, then there's no problem, is there?"
Kenny didn't answer my question, at least in words. We melted our bodies together, kissed deeply, and drifted off to sleep. In the morning we got up about 9, had breakfast, then drove the rest of the way to Poughkeepsie to begin our new life. We didn't talk much, just drove, each immersed in our own thoughts.
Our beginning days in Poughkeepsie were a mixture of pleasure and disappointment. Professionally we could not ask for more. I was working in a test lab, designing and building robots to be used for testing new hardware. I learned to my surprise that most robots were not the humanoid beings with lights and mechanical arms and legs that we saw on TV, but simple devices that had a singular purpose, usually repetitive. The first one I built was a rectangular device with a bunch of solenoids, all wired to a basic computer device. This thing was designed to test new keyboards by simulating human fingers, one solenoid with a rubber tip over each key, so that under control of the computer one could program the device to exercise the keyboard using a statistical program to determine which key to press and when, then analyze the keystrokes for accuracy and failure rate. I discovered I was very good at designing programs and procedures to thoroughly exercise a device. I wondered how much this particular talent had to do with my days on the farm, pushing a John Deere haybaler to the limit.
Kenny, on the other hand, was involved in the development of telecommunications devices. By today's standards they were primitive, but the industry had to start somewhere, and Kenny was there, on the leading edge. We both absolutely loved our jobs. The labs were well equipped, the people were very professional and competent, and probably most important for us, more than willing to share their knowledge and experience.
Socially it was quite another story. From almost the first day we missed the friendly, somewhat protected environment of academia. There were very few people who knew about our relationship, and the atmosphere indicated very strongly that we should keep it that way. I think when you're Gay you develop a sixth sense that tells you when you should come out and when not to. It's probably not always accurate, but it's all we had to work with. There were four or five other Tech grads who'd started the same time we did, and they knew and accepted us as before; but for the most part we were back in the closet, and that closet soon became very stuffy!
We soon got a very nice apartment, but we seldom entertained because it was simply too much of a hassle to hide all the evidence that we were lovers. We traded the old Chevy on a new Chevy convertible, but there simply wasn't enough money to buy another car. So Kenny would drop me at work, or the other way round, depending on our mood or convenience. We could have lived with this plan easily, but it wasn't long before people started asking questions, so before we were ready financially we bought another car, a used Pontiac Bonneville. It was a truly awesome car, but I resented it because we shouldn't have needed it in the first place. We discussed the situation a lot. We were important to each other, but our careers were important to us too, so we started doing things like ignoring each other in public, something I had never thought we'd do. I'm sure other Gay people who lived in the 60's can relate; we've all been there, done that.
We had a lot of fun in Poughkeepsie too. We went into New York City a lot; we looked up Carlo, who we found working in a pizza parlor in the Bronx. The three of us ate at some very nice restaurants, went to Broadway plays, and generally had a good time together. Carlo was our refuge. With Carlo and Sin we could be ourselves. He had two daughters now, and we became surrogate uncles to them. It was understood that Sin always stayed home with the girls while we three roamed about New York, thoroughly enjoying all that the city had to offer.
Back in Poughkeepsie we went to various musical performances at West Point Military Academy, took weekend trips to Albany and Hartford. I had joined a Barbershop Chorus, which meant we were traveling every weekend if we wanted to. In good weather we often went to the Connecticut beaches, and there we snatched little spots of time where we simply didn't care who knew we were gay and who didn't. We would walk hand in hand, even hug sometimes, completely ignoring the catcalls from those who had noticed. But those times were far too short and infrequent to our liking.
I began telling my co-workers that I had a girl friend back in Canada, and Kenny did the same. It was partly, I think, to ward off any suspicions about our sexual orientation; but it was slowly becoming true. There were lots of phone calls, letters, even cards expressing "I miss you" or "I love you" sentiments. So it came as no surprise to anyone when we announced we were taking a couple extra days around the Thanksgiving holiday and driving to Canada.
We didn't say much on the way up the coast, at least until we got to Bangor. Again we had stopped for something to eat, when Kenny suddenly said, "Charlie, I think we ought to give it a try."
"Give what a try?" I questioned. I thought I knew exactly what he meant, but my heart was in my throat and my mind was going a million miles a second, trying to pursue all the possibilities. I was definitely in panic mode.
"You know," he went on, "With the girls. I'm not happy with the way we're living and I don't think you are. It's just so--so damned frustrating trying to live together and keeping our love a secret."
"I don't want to lose you, Kenny," I said.
"I don't want to lose you either," he answered. "It doesn't mean we can't be friends, roommates and maybe even more. It's just... well, I think we oughta give it a try. We'll probably learn it's not for us, and then we'll know and we can go back to the way we're living now. But I think we owe it to ourselves to find out for sure."
The rest of the trip was spent in a very heated discussion. We didn't argue, but we discussed intensely our dilemma. By the time we arrived home we had agreed that for the time being we would be friends, not lovers. I don't think either of us was very happy about it, but at the time it seemed to make sense.
"You two had another spat?" Mom C. asked when she noticed both twin beds had been slept in.
"No, mom," Kenny answered, "We... uh... well we just decided we'd sleep better in our own beds. We were pretty tired after the drive up." I think she knew there was something else going on, but she accepted Kenny's answer and said no more.
To my dismay we had a good time even though our visit was short. When we left we promised the girls and our families that we'd be home again for Christmas. Back in Poughkeepsie we still shared the same bed because there was only one, but there was no intimacy. I wanted Kenny so bad I could taste him, literally! I suspect he wanted me too, but a deal was a deal, a commitment was a commitment. So we were separate even though we were together.
We found our social lives, thought not terribly active, were more comfortable; so much so that we thoroughly enjoyed not having to watch what we said about our "roommate." After all, that's what we were now. I tried several times go get a kiss, just one little kiss, but Kenny was adamant that if we were going to try being straight, we had to act straight all the time, not just some of it.
"How are things with you and Kenny?" Cathy asked. We had just made the drive again for the Christmas holiday, had slept most of the day, and I had picked up Cathy for a date. We were in a fancy restaurant, again waiting for our order.
"If you mean what I think you mean," I answered, "Things aren't with Kenny and me."
"Aren't?" she questioned, "Did you have a fight?"
"Not exactly," I explained, "We just... well, we decided we'd try just being friends just to see how it'd work."
"And how is it working?"
"Ok I guess. It took some getting used to, but it's working out all right. I guess we just got so confused when I realized I was attracted to you and Kenny was attracted to Judy." I didn't tell her that when we were in Poughkeepsie I was half nuts with desire most of the time. It all seemed so far away when I was in Moncton anyway. When I was with Cathy, even though there was no sex, it was enough. She really was a nice girl, a lot of fun to be with, and I found myself falling for her big-time!
Cathy started getting really serious after our conversation. That's not to say that she was taking unfair advantage of the situation, nor do I believe she ever did anything to break up Kenny and me. But when I volunteered the fact that our love affair was over, she did the natural thing and expressed her love for me. It appeared that Kenny was having similar success, if that's what you call it, with Judy.
Back in Poughkeepsie I renewed my efforts to get Kenny into bed. It wasn't so much a planned thing as it was an urgent need. I loved Kenny as much as I ever had and I told him so. "I love you too, Charlie," he admitted, "But when I'm with Judy, I... well, it just sorta feels so right!"
"I know, Kenny." I agreed, "But we're not there now, we're here. And if we love each other I don't see why we shouldn't express it the same as we always did. I need you, my love!"
"But what about, you know, after we're married? Do you think the girls'll tolerate us fooling around then?"
"Probably not. But we're not married yet, and I miss you so much! I'll never stop loving you, and I don't see what harm it would do for us to get together until we are. Please, Kenny?"
"I dunno, Charlie. You think I don't want you too? I'm so fucking confused I wish I had no sex at all. Then we could all just be friends and not have to worry about who is doing what to whom."
"I know, Kenny," I agreed, "I'm confused too. I guess I don't know who I am any more. I only know I need you so bad!"
We did resume our lovemaking. Man, it was so sweet! We were so great together! We knew every inch of each other's body, knew where all the buttons were and how to push them. And push them we did. Kenny wasn't at all sure what we were doing was right, and neither was I for that matter; but we did it anyway.
I'm going to cut through the crud here and get to the point, for those who haven't already figured it out. The following September, in 1962, I gave Cathy an engagement ring and Kenny did the same with Judy. Cathy still had a year of nursing school, and the plan was to get married as soon as she graduated. Kenny and Judy made no specific plans, but it was pretty clear that they would be married, probably before Cathy and me. In the meantime we had rearranged our apartment with two twin beds. I still wanted Kenny desperately, but every time I made an effort in that direction he pleaded with me not to. That was proof to me that he wanted it as badly as I did, but he held firm to our commitment. It might seem odd that Kenny and I made our romance milestones at the same point in time, but there was that 800 mile gulf that separated us from our girl friends most of the time, and the sheer practicality of making the drive together more or less dictated our actions.
In November of that year the bombshell hit us. President Kennedy had blockaded Cuba some months earlier because of what appeared to be an arms buildup, and the US draft board had become very active. Kenny and I had been advised that we could be called up at any time, and if we waited until we received the fateful letter from Uncle Sam, we'd be draft dodgers if we left the country. So we were again in the job market.
Kenny had made some very good contacts at Northern Electric Company in Montreal, now called Northern Telecom, and had no problem getting a good job with them. I wasn't quite so lucky, but nevertheless with a few letters, a trip to Montreal, and some references from Kenny's friends, I got a very good job with Bell Telephone Company of Canada, also in Montreal. It seemed that the phone companies had been caught napping just a little when the computer companies began developing telecommunications equipment, and I happened along at precisely the right time. I'd had experience in both industries, so I was Bell's liaison with all the major computer vendors. It was a totally awesome job, flying around Canada and the US to trade shows, product announcements, all that sort of thing, then analyzing all the data and putting it in terms telephone people could understand. Thanks again to Dr. Steinbeck for his grueling English course. Kenny was doing much the same thing, so we often got to travel together. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
When we were looking for a new job, we had discussed the possibility that we might end up in different cities. "It doesn't make that much difference," Kenny pointed out, "We're getting married anyway so there won't be any need for us to be together."
"Is that what you want?" I questioned.
"Well," he explained, "It would make it easier to get used to not having sex with each other."
"I'm not interested in getting used to it!" I exclaimed angrily, "It's gonna happen soon enough anyway, and I for one can wait. It seems to me that you're looking for excuses to break up now. If that's what you want, why don't you just say so and get it over with."
"Look at me!" Kenny ordered, "Look into my eyes. You've always said you could see my soul in my eyes, so look now and see if anything's changed."
"But you said..." I protested.
"Look in my fucking eyes, dammit!" Kenny ordered again. I did, and again I melted. It was true! I saw the same love there I'd always seen. Looking back now I should have known at that point that we could never be apart, but I didn't. I was still so confused, and so hell-bent on the course of action we'd laid out for ourselves I couldn't see anything further than the end of my nose. But we did decide to go to Montreal together and live together at least until one of us was married. So we tendered our resignations and accepted our new positions, effective the first working day in January. It was a particularly cold winter in Montreal that year, so we spent a lot of time in bed. The same bed!
Kenny was married in June, 1963. Judy would not hear of having me as Best Man, which I suspect was just as well. I did go as a member of the family, which under the circumstances I considered quite an honor. I expected Mom C. to be totally beaming, but she wasn't. She had taken me aside several times in the days preceding the wedding and asked, "Charlie, are you two sure about this?"
"Yeah, Mom," I assured her, "We've talked about it for months and I think it's gonna work out just fine. And you just might get grandchildren after all."
"I already have grandchildren," she pointed out, "And I love them. But your happiness is important to me too. You two were so happy together I had gotten used to the idea. Watching you two, your love, dedication, no one could say it wasn't right. I just don't want anyone hurt over all this."
"You sound as if you think Kenny doesn't love Judy." I accused.
"That's not for me to say, Charlie. I'm just asking you to talk it over with him really well and be sure. I don't want to see either of you hurt."
The Montreal apartment that had been ours - mine and Kenny's, suddenly seemed very large and lonely. I didn't see much of the newlyweds that summer, but that didn't surprise me. I still saw Kenny frequently at work, but our talk was mainly professional. We did discuss my upcoming wedding and all the arrangements, usually over lunch. That was when Kenny dropped the next bombshell.
"I don't think I can come to the wedding," Kenny announced one day in mid July.
"Can't come?" I exclaimed, "But why?"
"It's Judy. She's real uncomfortable about us... you know, what we've been to each other. She says we need some time away from each other just in case there's still a flicker there."
"I daresay there's a lot more than a flicker," I said angrily, "But if she can't trust us that far, then I'm sorry, Kenny, Judy's got a problem!"
"I know, Charlie. But I need some time with her, to reassure her that it's ok. So please don't push it, ok?" Well, those eyes got me again. But the eyes that demanded my compliance that day were not the Kenny eyes I'd known so well. They were sad eyes! They were eyes that had lost their sparkle, their very life! It hit my like a bolt of lightening, I had never seen those eyes so lifeless, even when we'd broken up in high school! And then I did once more what I do best, I misinterpreted what I was seeing.
"Kenny, I said as I reached for his hand, "Are you ok? I mean, is everything ok with you and Judy?"
"It's fine, Charlie," he answered, "I'm just disappointed. I wanted to come to your wedding so bad, just to be there for you. I know how much it meant for you to be at mine."
Kenny didn't seem to want to discuss it further, so we left the cafeteria and went our separate ways. At home I got on the phone to Cathy and explained the situation. I told her that Judy was giving every indication that she was going to keep Kenny and me as far apart as she could, and I asked her point blank if she had any similar thoughts or plans. I was truly in panic mode, and I probably said some things I shouldn't have. I've often wondered what I'd have done if her answer had been in the affirmative. I really wanted this thing to work now, we were really into being "normal!" But I still couldn't stand the prospect of being away from Kenny forever. But Cathy assured me that she understood, that she wouldn't dream of separating us like that. So the plans went forward.
As always, comments, suggestions, criticisms are welcome. Please email charlieje@mindspring.com