Killing Loneliness 8
Chapter 8
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Signs and Portents
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This story describes the relationship and love life of two underage fictional boys. Any likeness between the characters of this story and real people are purely coincidental. If it is not legal to view this type of material, or you are not 18 years of age, read at your own risk. All material pertaining to this story is copyrighted to the author. Do not repost without permission.
Feedback is welcome, so please email me at shadowdragon4390@aol.com. Flamers will be ignored.
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Previously, in Killing Loneliness:
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The sun was down by now. The night was still warm. My tears had slowed, and only the occasional sob wracked my body. My heart felt like a flag after being battered and torn in a storm.
The question was, was this the end of the storm, or just the eye?
_Now:
But you always find a way, to keep me right here waiting
You always find the words to say to keep me right here waiting
And if I chose to walk away, would you be right here waiting
Searching for the things to say, to keep you right here waiting._
The last note to my favorite song rang out through the basement. It was my private domain, a place where I could sing my heart out and no one would see me cry. Well, at least that's what I thought. As the first tear slid down my cheek, I heard the door open.
"Blake..."
I turned, slightly surprised.
"Jase," I replied, wiping the tears away, "what's up?"
He stepped into the room and closed the door. His eyes shimmered, like he was on the brink of tears, and I noticed he was shivering slightly. His short hair was wet, as was his jacket.
"It's raining," he said, noticing my giving him the once over.
"Ah, ok."
"Blake..."
"I'm glad you came over Jase," I interrupted, "I don't think we really talked the other day."
He nodded slightly.
"Blake, I'm sorry," he said, hanging his head, "I was an ass. It's just...I never thought...I dunno..."
"I guess I should apologize to," I replied, "I put you through a lot of hurt. I wish there was some way to make it up to you."
He gave a short laugh.
"Dude, get your mind out of the gutter," I laughed, throwing my pick at him.
"What?" he asked, a look of hurt flashing across his face, but it was quickly replaced with a somewhat dimmed smile.
I thought for a minute before answering. That look on his face told me he could deteriorate quickly if I said the wrong thing.
"I dunno Jase, it's just..."
"Blake, you're right," he interrupted, "you need to apologize, I need to apologize, and we really do need to talk."
I nodded.
"Blake, I need to tell you some things, and I want you to keep your mouth shut while I say them, ok?"
It wasn't really a question, but I nodded again anyway.
"You broke my heart Blake," he said, his voice shaking slightly. "You tore it out and shredded it when you ignored me, and you ground what was left of that to dust when you moved. I fell in love with you Blake. I felt whole when you were around."
His eyes were glistening with tears. I stood up and went to him.
"Jase, I don't know what to say."
"I don't want you to say anything Blake," he said, his voice wavering, "I just want you in my life again. You don't have to be my boyfriend or anything, as much as I want you to be. Just be there."
A tears slid down his cheek. I reached out and rested my wrists on his shoulders and gently took his face in my hands.
"Please, Blake..."
"What do you want Jase?" I asked, my voice barely more than a whisper.
Another tear fell. I wiped it away.
"I want...I..." his body shook as a sob racked him.
"Tell me what it is Jase," I said, soothingly. "Tell me what you want."
"I want you, Blake," he sobbed, "I love you Blake. I loved you then, and I love you now."
"Jase, I-"
"Just shut up!" he cried, pulling himself out of my grasp and walking towards the mirrored wall.
"What the hell is wrong Jase?" I asked, slightly perturbed.
"You said you didn't want to hurt me," he said, sinking to his knees and turning to lean against the wall, "but it's hurting more to be here now than it was when you weren't there at all. With you not there, I could at least try to move on. Hell, I did move on. But then, I move here, and boom, you're back! What the hell does the fucking world want from me? WHY THE HELL CAN'T I JUST BE HAPPY!"
Another sob ripped through him, and his face contorted into the image of despair. His head then dropped into his knees and he cried.
I didn't know what to do. My mind was reeling. I sank to my knees next to him. My arms instinctively wrapped themselves protectively around him.
"Go away," he said between sobs, but made no attempt to push me away, "just leave me alone."
"I'm not going to Jase," I replied, tears now forming in my eyes. "Whatever it was Jase, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, now or back then."
"Then why?" he cried, "Why didn't you let me close? Why didn't you let me have you?"
"Because, Jase," I said, choking back a sob of my own, "I loved you to. I didn't realize that I wanted you like that till you came out to us. But then, I started to notice things. The way you looked at me. The smile you seemed to put on while I was around. I loved it. I don't know when it happened, but eventually I moved from loving the attention, to loving who was giving me the attention."
"Then why-"
"Because, I didn't want to leave you. I didn't want to get attached, and then say goodbye. I didn't want to devastate you," I squeezed him a little tighter. "You always seemed so fragile."
He was quiet for a while, his crying stopped. I noticed that I had been gently rocking him. After a few more minutes, I felt him moving, so I started to let go and move back, thinking he wanted me to go away. Instead, I felt his arms shoot out and wrap around me, his face pressed against my stomach.
"Don't let go," he whispered, "please."
I sank down a little more and held him again. I felt a sudden feeling of warmth spread through me, like this was were I belonged.
"I won't," I whispered, resting my chin on the top of his head, "I promise, Jase. I'll stay here this time."
Stay on the look out for the next chapter of Killing Loneliness
Epiphany