Welcome to "Lance's Search," a multi-chapter exploration of a young man discovering himself. As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to take a realistic look into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he discovers the pains and the joys associated with loving his fellow man... or his fellow band mate as the case may be.
We are running behind on getting some writing done, but I still hope to continue posting once a week.
If you have any comments, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story.
BJ
Previously on Lance's Search...
"Well, you know Justin. He'll tell you when he's ready and not before. He's always seemed as if he has something he wants to tell me, but never gets around to it. I've just come to accept that about him. I figure if it's really important, he'll let me know."
"Guess so."
"Now, were you getting ready to use the head, cause if you don't need it, I sure as hell do."
"Go ahead. Really. As I said, I was just thinking."
"I'll be out in a few minutes, Lance. I'll catch up with you and maybe we can get your mind on something more pleasant."
"Sure." JC went into the small bathroom. Lance's mind was already onto something more pleasant. And it was beginning to make his pants tent out slightly.
Chapter 26
NSYNC's tour bus reached that day's destination well after sunset, which here in the in the middle of June was quite late into the night. They pulled up to the hotel du jour, which looked very much like every other hotel they stayed at. They got their gear together, headed down the bus steps into the lobby. Somehow or another, the local girls hadn't found out they were staying here. A welcomed, but rare occasion.
Management passed out the room keys as the boys were herded onto the elevator. Lance opened the door to his room for the evening, glancing over at Justin, hoping to catch his eye. It didn't happen. 'What's going on?' Lance thought. He made his way into the room. It was a familiar sight. The beds, the furniture, the framed prints of something or another on a couple of the walls. Sure, different hotels had varying amenities, but when it came to brass tacks, they were all really just about the same.
The telephone caught Lance's eye. He wanted to pick up the receiver and call Justin, but he didn't want to seem too eager or desperate. He would wait a few minutes. Maybe Justin will call or come over before Lance picked up that receiver. So he goes off to check the bathroom. Everything seemed in order there. Nice shower. The toilet paper dispenser in its usual, hard to reach location when you sit down. Lance wandered back into the main part of the room. He kicked off his shoes and sat down on the bed. After a couple of seconds, he swung his legs up on top of the bed and scooted back, positioning the pillows behind him. On the night stand he finds the television remote. He flipped on the television, and began what might seem to someone else an endless loop as Lance surfed through the channels one by one, over and over again.
Bored by the limited offerings on the television, he rings Justin's room.
"Hello?"
"Just, it's me."
"Hey, Lance."
"You coming over to my room or would you prefer me going to yours?"
"Why don't you come over here, if you don't mind."
"No prob. Be there in a minute."
Lance couldn't discern anything about Justin's mood from the short conversation. Not anxious. Not angry. Not happy. No clue. As for himself, Lance had a gnawing feeling in his stomach. Something was not right, he knew that. But the answer was just down the hall. He got himself off the bed. He decided not to worry about his shoes. He checked himself out in the mirror, then headed out the door.
He hesitated a moment before knocking on Justin's door. A part of him didn't really want to find out what was going on between him and Justin. All sorts of scenarios flashed through his mind, none of them good. But what if all this worrying is for nothing? Might as well get it over with as soon as possible.
He found his hand beginning to move. His knuckles struck the wooden door several times. He could hear the television being turned off inside the room. Then a few seconds later the door opened. There stood Justin. He had taken off his shirt, shoes and socks, but still had on his wife-beater and pants. The gold chain around his neck added an extra hint of sexiness. Lance felt stirrings in his crotch at the sight.
"Hey, guy. Come on in."
Lance took a longer look at Justin's face. The expression was serious. The stirrings in Lance's crotch subsided. "You OK, Justin?"
"Yeah. Sure. Why?"
"Well, you look tired, or serious, or something, I guess. Just concerned about you."
"Thanks, but I'm really OK."
"So, what was it you wanted to talk about? How come you didn't sleep with me last night? Did I do something to make you mad at me?"
"No. I'm not mad at ya. Really. You didn't do anything to make me mad. It's just... well..."
"Come on, Justin. If there's something wrong I want to help out, but I can't read your mind."
There was a slight pause as Lance stared at his friend, waiting for him to speak. Justin seemed to be struggling for words. But Lance was going to be patient. Whatever Justin had to tell him must be really serious.
"James, I think we need to stop sleeping together."
"What? Why?"
"Because I think it's the right thing to do."
"Isn't that something we should have talked about before you made a decision? Have I done something wrong? Is there another guy out there?"
"Actually, yes there is another guy?"
"Have you been sleeping with him?"
"No. It's not like that at all. Besides, when other than last night could I have slept with anyone other than you?"
"Well, then who is it?"
"I'm talking about JC."
"WHAT? What do you mean? You suddenly develop a thing for him?"
"No. Not at all. But nevertheless, he is the other guy."
"You've got me really confused. I am so lost here. What are you trying to say?"
"What I'm trying to say is that JC is the other guy here. You spend a lot of your day with him, getting to know him better, and then at the end of the day, you come back to my bed, where it's safe."
"Are you jealous? Is that what this is about?"
"No. Not jealous. Tired though. Tired of you using me for sex when you really want to get in JC's pants. Tired of being the fallback guy."
"Justin, listen, I'm really sorry if I've hurt you. You know I'm interested in JC."
"Are you really? Cause if you are, how come you haven't made a move yet? It's not like you have to wonder whether he's gay or not. You know. And you have known. But you haven't even had the courtesy of telling JC you know or that both of us are gay too. Instead, he thinks he's gotta keep hiding his secret from all of us. Don't you remember what it felt like for you before you found out I was gay and we were able to talk about it? To share our thoughts and feelings, not to mention our beds?"
"Yes, I remember. I remember very well. But I'm not ready to confront JC yet."
"Not ready? When the hell are you going to be ready? And why do you think it will be a confrontation anyway? It doesn't need to be one. Just tell him the truth. Tell him you're gay. Tell him you know about him being gay. Tell him you want to be with him, more than just friends."
"It's not that simple."
"Yes it is. You're making it out to be harder than it has to be."
"But what if he denies it. What if he says he's as straight as an arrow or that he really hates fags? What then?"
"And what if he's actually in love with you already, but just too scared to tell you because he thinks you're not gay like him? Are you going to tell me that's not just as likely as the scenario you came up with?"
"Yeah, that's what I'd like to have happen. But can't you see what might happen if he lashes out instead. The whole future of our group could be put in jeopardy. We might all be forced to split up because of me."
"Bullshit."
"What?"
"You heard me. Bullshit. The group isn't about to break up over you admitting to JC that you have a thing for him. The other guys wouldn't let it happen, and you know that. Besides, we work with plenty of gay people all the time. JC knows they're gay. He and everyone else gets along with them. Why would finding out you or I are gay be any different? Huh?"
"I don't know. Am just not ready. OK?"
"No. Not OK."
"What, you gonna tell him instead?"
"No. It's not my place."
"Well, why is it OK for me to do it, but not you?"
"Because I'm not the one here carrying a torch for him. I'm not hoping to become his boyfriend. That's you. And out of friendship and loyalty to you, I'm not going to tell him I know he's gay. That's what you said you wanted. And frankly, if you're wanting to have a relationship with him, it's better that you tell him, not me."
"Look, I will tell him, I'm just not ready."
"Well. That's fine, but until that happens, I don't think we ought to share a bed, kiss, hug or have any sex together. Frankly, I don't think we even need to see each other naked."
"Fine! No problem! You don't want to sleep together or even see me naked, that's the way it will be then. But just remember, it was you who wanted it that way."
"It's gotta be that way, James."
An awkward silence took over. Both young men were on the verge of breaking out in tears, but neither one wanted to show it. There was hurt on Lance's face. Determination was on Justin's face, but below the surface, Justin was hurting just as much.
"I'm going to my room now, seeing as you've made up your mind on this. Good night."
"Good night, Lance."
With that, Lance ran out the door of Justin's room, allowing the door to close loudly. From inside Justin's room, it sounded like a tomb door being shut. Justin collapsed on the bed and started to cry. It was the hardest thing he had ever done. But he knew it was the right thing. So why did he feel so lousy about it?
To be continued...