OK gang, here we go with the big No. 30. For those of you who have been waiting for the big moment, it's getting closer and closer. What's the big moment? Stick around. Ohhh, that's evil, isn't it? Anyway, if you've made it this far, a big thanks for continuing to read my story.
Now for that legal stuff... As much as I would suspect otherwise, I have no actual proof of the sexual orientations of Lance Bass, Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez or for that matter anyone else that's famous who might be appearing in the future. Consequently anything you read in this story is the product of the mind of its author. That said, this story attempts to take a realistic look into the thoughts and feelings of a guy as he discovers the pains and the joys associated with loving his fellow man... or his fellow band mate as the case may be.
If you have any comments, please e-mail them to bjluver@gay.com. Otherwise, enjoy the story.
BJ
Previously on Lance's Search...
Lance finally blurted out to JC, "There's something I'd really like to tell you..."
Ring. Ring. The telephone.
"Hold on, Lance. Let me get this before they hang up," JC said.
"Sure. No problem." But it was a problem. The telephone had interrupted the big moment, and Lance wasn't sure if he could regain the magic. His spirits sank. He took another drink of his wine and stared blankly, thinking of opportunities lost.
Chapter 30
"Sorry about that," JC said as he returned from answering the telephone.
"Anything important?"
"Actually, no. But my answering machine got fried or something last week, so it's not picking up. So now I can't tell if the call is important or just an annoying sales call."
"I hear you. I hate those calls, especially the ones that are just computerized voices."
"Yeah. I gotta get a new answering machine. Just keep forgetting about it when I'm out. Anyway, before the phone rang you were about to tell me something, weren't you?"
"Uhhh... yeah. Yeah. I was going to say how great this meal is. Best lasagna I've had in a long time."
"Thanks, Scoop. Secret family recipe."
Of course, that really wasn't what Lance had planned to say before the telephone interrupted him. He was going to tell JC that he was in love with him and wanted to be with him forever. He was going to tell him how much he pained to touch his body, to connect his lips with JC's, to share every aspect of his life with the older singer. But that phone call - that pointless, useless call - changed everything for Lance.
They finished up the meal and cleared the table. Lance offered to help clean the dishes and the kitchen, but JC said the dishwasher would take care of most of it and the rest could wait. "Besides, we haven't finished up the wine yet. Why don't we go back to the living room, watch a movie and finish off the bottle?"
"Sure. Had any movie in mind?"
"No, let's just see what's on the pay channels tonight. Surely with as much money as I pay for all those hundreds of channels there will be something on."
They both collapsed on opposite ends of the couch. In reality, there wasn't anything that captured the attention of either boy. They flipped through channels, commented on various shows and sipped more wine. They laughed about some of the weirder shows and made fun of most of the people on them.
Eventually JC turned off the television, bored with the offerings. The duo sat there in the glow of the candles. "You feel more like talking about what happened today now?"
Lance got a pained expression on his face.
"It's cool if you're not. I'm just happy to see you smiling and more relaxed again."
Lance sat there for a moment thinking. Then he spoke. "Hey, JC. I need your help with a problem."
"Sure, man. Anything."
"You see, I've got this friend. And well, this friend knows something about another friend that the other friend might not want others to know about."
"OK. Sounds like a mess."
"Well, you see, this friend of mine wants to tell this guy that he knows, but he's not really sure how he'll react. He might end up denying it or get really angry with his friend. But in the end, this friend of mine, all he really wants to do is tell him that he's really cool with his secret. That nothing bad will come by his knowing the secret."
"Yeah. How big is this secret?"
"Big. Really big. It might alter his life if a lot of people knew about it. Maybe make him a target for some people. Could threaten his career."
"And your friend thinks that his friend might hate him for telling him he knows?"
"Possibly. He's not sure."
"He wouldn't be much of friend it that were the case. Friendship is a matter of trust. Unless the friend has murdered someone, or something like that, if they can't trust each other, it's not much of a friendship. You know?"
"Yeah. Well, we're not talking about a murder or really anything bad. Some people might think it's bad, but certainly my friend doesn't think so. Matter of fact, he thinks it's a good thing. Something perhaps the two share in common, but he just doesn't know how to talk to him about it."
"Well, I guess he could always start up the conversation by saying he has a friend with a problem."
JC's last statement caught Lance by surprise. He wasn't sure what he meant by that. If he was nervous before, Lance was ten times more nervous now. Suddenly, JC turned his body around on the couch so that he was sitting up facing Lance.
"So, are these friends anyone I know?" JC asked.
Lance stayed slouched on the couch at a right angle to JC. He didn't want to look directly at him. "Yeah, you do."
"And is one of those people me?"
Lance bit his lower lip and nodded his head up and down to say yes.
"Lance, are you really your friend in this story?"
"Yeah. I guess I am."
"Lance, look at me."
Lance sat up and turned his body around to face JC.
"Man, you know we're friends. I trust you completely. No matter what it is you have to say, you're not going to lose me as a friend. You need to trust me on that. OK?"
"Yeah."
"So?"
"It's still hard. ... OK. JC. Josh. I know about you being gay."
"Well, that came as kind of a shock. ... OK. I won't sit here and deny it. I am. But how is it you know about it."
"Well. I saw you in a gay bar dancing. And I saw you getting picked up by that escort at the airport."
"Wow. How did you know the guy was an escort?"
"I didn't really know. Let's just say a friend who was with me at the airport knew."
"I see. Another friend. So, now you know for sure. I am gay. I've known that for a few years. And I know I've kept it a secret from everyone, including you guys, but I just thought it was best for the group. I feel bad that I didn't tell my four closest friends, but it just seemed like the best thing for all. But ... you're OK with it?"
"Oh, yeah. Very much so."
"And are you?"
"Gay?" Lance paused for a moment. Even JC seemed a bit shocked by the suddenness of Lance's response. The blond took a deep breath and said calmly. "Yes."
"Wow. My gaydar really sucks," JC chuckled.
"Yeah, I guess we all have been performers with each other, hiding a bit of ourselves even from each other. All thinking about it the same way as you."
"So does any of this have anything to do with why you were sitting in your car this afternoon crying?"
"Well, sort of. I had just done, or almost done, kinda done something I wasn't proud of, something I had told myself I'd never do in my life. It hurt me. I was ashamed and sick to my stomach. I'm still ashamed."
"Hey man, whatever has past is in the past now. Learn from your mistakes and move on. That's all you can do and it's a lot better than beating yourself up over and over again. Trust me, I've done a number of stupid things in my life I wished I hadn't, but I can't change what has already happened. I just keep on searching for the right thing for me, hoping that whenever that right thing is in front of me I'll recognize it instead of continuing the search."
JC's words about being on a search struck a cord with Lance. He too had been on a search for these past months. Could it be that both of their searches had led up to this moment? Should he take the next step now? Was the potential gain worth the risk involved? Lance decided it was.
"JC. There's something else I really should tell you."
To be continued...