Our story began at the beginning of the winter. Our affair ended when the winter ended. It is now the summer. Wirting it down is like having a conclusion. It is not to forget. It is just for me to move on, telling myself the winter is a history now. I remember telling him that in a way, we were all like dinosaurs, strong but vulnerable at the same time. Got hurt, the wounds heal anyway. All that left are scars. One day, we will look at ourselves like scientists look at fossiles and remember that at this period, we fell, and at that period, we had a broken heart.
It is a small town in northwestern US. I was born in the south. When I was younger, I thought I could deal with any kind of weather. Four years later, I fully understand how big a role weather plays in our life. I dread the winter here. When you are alone most of the time, the cold weather becomes even more unbearable. I had several short relationships since I came here. But none worked out. We all grow in and out of love. Sometimes we break up because of pratical reasons. So I have nothing to complaint about.
My last relation before the winter was with a German guy. He just graduated from stanford and got a position there. At the same time he was running a company for his father in a city nearby. So he stayed here in the city for one week and flew to California for one week. If he was not here or California, he was somewhere else for business. I got to see him once or twice every month. I think I was kind of needy and scared of being hurt. So instead of taking things slowly, I decided to stop seeing him before things got complicated. At least, I could say I left him first and that was good for my ego. I wrote him an email to tell him my decision. He replied and wished the best for me. No drama. That's how relation between people goes. Everyone is rational. I did not know I was sad until a friend pointed it out on the bus.
"You look as if you are gonna cry." She said.
"yea, I just broke up with somone." I said half jokingly.
She did not say anything for a while, but raised her eyebrow.
"It is OK though. You don't have to play cool."
That was the beginning of my friendship with the girl. Her name is Judie. But I sank into a depression that winter. I stopped looking and spent all my time in the lab and at home. Talking with Judie helped a bit. She was also in a bad situation, loving someone who could not return it. But everytime weather turned bad, my depression became worse.
Spring came, followed by summer. If the day was beautiful, I wandered in parks. Listening to birds and feeling the wind caressing my body, I thought it was close to happiness. Sometimes, I wished there were someone to share all these with. I was still not looking. Why spoil it, if things are not gonna work out, I though, which is a ridiculous idea. But It made sense then. Expectation always brings disappointment.
Fall came too quickly. Fall is the most beautiful season here. It is also the shortest. Leaves turn into all kinds of shades of colors. The air is clean and clear. Like everything stops and waits and listens. That's when the loneliness set in. It is like you are waiting for someone you love to depart and you want so much for him to stay. The winter was gonna be dreadful. I felt desperate. I needed someone. The thought of going through the winter alone was so unbearable. I had to find someone.
I decided to go to bars. I had only been to a bar once. I went with an American friend. He was straight and had also all the shortcomings straight guys supposed to have. First, he liked girls too much. He ate too much and his was getting fat. He got too excited when there were girls around and could not stop talking. He never listened. But he could be attentive sometimes. That made him bearable occationally. He had a girlfriend then. She was a little bit overweight, so she managed to put up with him for a while. His girlfriend had a lesbian friend who was in a drag show in the bar that night. She invited her, and she invited him and he invited me. I had nothing else to do that night and I was curious, so I tagged along.
The bar was full of people. More than half were lesbian. Most of them were big. Guys in the bar were not impressive at all. Lots of middle age men who had lost their fight with body fat. The drag show was boring. Lesbians in guy's outfits, lip-synching. Or guys in girl's outfits. All of them were fat and ugly. It was so sad looking at them. I could not understand people's fascination of drag show. I think maybe it is supporting of the minor group in a minor group or it is some of craziness we want but dare not to try but like to see other people do it.
That was more than three years ago. I had never been to a bar afterwards. The bar is in the nearby city where the Germen guy lived. There is a bar in the town where I live. But I decided to go to the other bar for my solo-adventure, because I knew the setting. It was more familiar to me and it was half an hour away. If anything stupid happened, I could run away and no one was gonna notice.
I was nervous when I walked in the bar. It was about 10pm, still early. People scattered about. I really needed to pee. The restroom was empty. I was afraid that someone was gonna grab my butt. But it did not happened. So I was reliefed while a little disappointed. I sat down by the bar and asked for a bottle of water. The bartender was kinda cute but too fem. The music was loud. When he gave me a paper towel, I did not hear what he was saying. But there it was, a phone number on the paper. I actually felt flattered although I did not plan to call. After a while I moved away from the bar and found a seat by the dancing floor. A middle age guy came up to me, he touched my knee.
"Can I buy you a drink"
"no thank" I tried to be polite.
"Ok then, You've got my phone number. Give me a call sometimes if you want"
It dawned on me that the phone number was from him. I felt kind of violated although I knew I should not. I always tell myself you should be thankful if anyone likes you. But did he really like me or he thought I would settle for less. I did not dwell on the thought for long before I joined the crowd dancing on the floor. I had never really danced before. But soon I found that I was actually quite good at dancing. I felt free for the first time since I entered the bar.
That night there was a stripper show in the bar at 11pm. The Strippers were from chicago and were call Chicargo beef. A drag queen was hosting the show. It was much better than the drag show. At least they have nice bodies. Some of them were really cute. At the intermission, they moved about in the bar to mingle with the crowd. Some guys tried to chat them up. I saw the guy who gave me his phone number slipped one stripper some money and the stripper let him feel him up but the stripper had a disgusted look on his face.
After the show, people continued to dance. I danced with a guy for a while. There was this another guy who joined us after a while. I liked him. We shout out our name and nice to meet you. But that was it, we were both shy. The first guy wasn't shy at all. He tried to kiss me on the lip but I rejected. I fled the bar after that.
I went to the bar for a couple of times. The middle age guy and the guy who tried to kiss me were always there, but they pretended that they did not recgnize me at all. That's a relief. I was ready to tried out the bar in my town. It was in this bar where I met Ben.
Chapter 2
The bar in our town is quite different from the bar in the other city. Since it is a college town, the bar has a much younger crowd. The bartenders are almost all students. There are some middle age men. But they usually keep to themselves. They try so hard to enjoy themselves, but apparently, they know they don't fit in. And they are very self-concious about it. There are this middle age couple who are always in the bar dancing. They just have some clean fun. In another word, they are not dirty old men.
I met Ban at my second time there. The dance floor was very crowded. He moved over, and smiled at me. He had this very bright smile. His teeth were white and straight. I have always thought those teeth were capped. But I never had the courage to ask. His eyes were shining. He was blond. I had never liked blond very much. But his look suited him well. It gave him a sunny feeling, which went well with his personality. We danced, then he left. I did not give it much thought.
I went to the bar the following weekend. It was Halloween. I bought a small package of Halloween makeup late that night. That was all I wanted to spend. I had had better plans, but they turned out to require more time and more work, and I was too lazy to do it. The process needed to make myself ready for the party also turned out to be more time consuming than I had expected. The whole makeup took me more than half an hour. All I tried to do was to make my face look pale with the white paint and draw some red lines that looked like blood running down my eyes and nose.
When I got to the bar, it was packed. There were many huge drag queens and people dressed up in different outfits. Some guy had a big pair of wings on his back and when he walked, the wings kept brushing other people or got tangled up with their dresses. Some drag queens were lip synching on the dancing floor. I thought since I had to go throught it again. I'd better enjoy it. I had many more similar experiences later. Everytime, it striked me how sad their live seemed to be. One thing I noticed is that they usually leave when the show is over. They don't stay and party with others. I can't imagine how they look when they don't have the makeup and fancy dresses.
The drag show was finally over, and at once the dancing floor was flooded with people.
"Hey, we met again" There he was, having the same makeup as I had. But apparently he spent more time and money on it. He was wearing a black outfit. It was wide open showing his wide chest. He also wore a pair of tight pants and a black clock.
We danced. There were so many people. We were very close. He took my hand and held me close. It had been a long time since I was held. It felt really nice, kind of like home.
"You are a good dancer" He said.
I had never known how to reply when complimented. So I smiled.
"You are so sweet" He said, laughing as if I intrigued him.
"come" He took my hand and led me of to a concer of the bar, where he introduced me to some of his friends. Then he grabed a small asian boy and told me that he was his boyfriend.
"So he has a boyfriend" that was all I thought of "It is just some kind of flirting. We'll forget about each other the next day." Which did not bother me a bit. But I was a little annoied. The music was so loud. I did not feel like talking at all. I told them I was going back to the dancing floor.
Later, he came back to the dancing floor. So did his boyfriend. His boyfriend was dancing with someone else. I could never get how serious this boyfriend thing is. Every american boys in the unveristy has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Usually, it means someone you hang out with and make out with. A lot of times, I found that we have different definations for the same things like commitment, love, or freedom. So I thought if he did not mind, why would I. Looked like he flirted with everyone he liked.
Late that night, he led me to another part of the bar where no music was playing and people can actually talk.
"We have a party tomorrow, I want you to come"
"Here" He asked for a paper towel and wrote down his name and his number. "just some friends. We are not gonna do anything crazy. So you don't have too worry." He was quite sincere. And I always believe my judgement of people.
I gave him my number.
"I'll call you tomorrow and tell you my address. Promise me you will answere." He was quite eager. But I believed him.
Later he told me, when he saw me, he had this desire to have me in his life. "I just could not bear to not having you in my life." He said.
When the DJ finally announced the bar was closed, he was still holding my hand. He meet some other friends on our way out and he proudly presented me to them. "see, we even have the same makeup. It is fate, isn't it."
He gave me a hug, before I left. I saw that his boyfriend was a little amused but also annoied.
Chapter 3
The next day, I went to my lab. In the afternoon, I did some shopping and bought a bottle of red wine. When I got home, my answering machine was blinking. The message was from Ben. He gave me a detailed direction to his place. I called back. He sounded happy to hear from me.
I cleaned up and went to his place. It took me 20min to get there. His house was in a new development area. Most houses there looked similar, but they were all new and clean. I rang the bell. Someone opened the door. It was his boyfriend. He seemed enthuthestic.
"Hey mark, it is so nice to see you. Oh red wine, so sweet." He was like a housewife, fussy but pleasant.
"Ben, it is mark. He brought red wind."
Ben ran out. He gave me a hug. "It is so nice you come."
It sounded funny. Come also means ejeculation, so I am always careful to use it in a sentence. But his hug was comforting.
There was someone else in the house. "Tim, you remember him. Last night he was in a farmer outfit."
"That was very cute." He winked at Tim, then turned to me "Timis my best friend."
Tim was a very good example of average Joe. He was a nice person, someone everyone wanna be friend with, but very few wanna have him as a boyfriend. I knew later that he dated a lot. He fell for his dates quickly, but none of the affairs went to the second round.
"We are still waiting for someone. He is from D city, so it is gonna take a while."
We talked for a while, nothing special, just about this and that. What do I study; how long have I been here; How do you like it so far. Ben also showed me around the house. He seemed to be very proud of the house, which was understandable. It had a big sitting room, which opened to a patio. There were a lot of asian decorations. It was all mixed up. Some were Janpanese. Some were chinese. He asked me to translate the Chinese poets to him. On the patio, there was a table with writing brush and ink.
"You do chinese calligraphy?"
" a little bit."
"Someday, I am gonna ask you to write something for me."
"I can give you an oil painting if you want."
"That would be so lovely."
He showed me his bedroom and his boyfriend's bedroom. "Kay likes art too. Oh I called him Kay sometimes." His boyfriend's name is Kerry. The finding that they lived together gave me an reality check. It might be a blessing, who knows. I told myself. Never had I had a real gay friend. Maybe it could be the beginning. At least I had the chance to really know a person, before hormone messed up my rationality. I tended to jump into something if I liked someone. Then I got tired because when I got to know a person, I concentrated too much on his shortcomings. That's why friends always last longer than boyfriends.
The so called art was some copies of cartoon characters, like wonder woman, superman.
Finially it was the guestroom, which was totally Janpanese. "This is where you'll sleep some day."
"You know, I don't sleep in Janpanese bed. I don't eat Japanese food. I don't date Japanese boys." I said.
He thought this was very funny and told the others like a grandma telling everybody something her grandson just said which she thought was cute but not so funny by others' standards.
"Why?" They asked.
"Political reasons."
At last the other guest arrived. He was good looking. He looked jaded but at the same time like a spoiled child. This time Kerry showed him around.
"It is gonna take a while." Ben said in a doting way " He is gonna tell him all the histories behind all the items we collect." He used the we word, which I did not like.
Dinner was OK, I did not talk much. Mostly Kerry and Tim's date Josh talked. Josh liked the attention. The way he talked was like he was superior and he criticized everything. I did not care much about him, so it did not bother me at all. Ben kept asking me "are you OK?" and touched my hands reassuringly. During the dinner, Kerry suddenly exclaimed "we have to find Mark a boyfriend."
I was a little offended. I did not need anyone's help to find a boyfriend. "I am not really looking. I enjoy being with myself most of the time." I lied. Still I partially believed that was true.
After the dinner, everyone got ready for the bar. It was the first total gay experience I had. Facial Mask, Hair gel, moisturizer. First we washed our face, then applied the Mask. You are not supposed to talked to much or smile with the Mask, otherwise it is gonna cause wrinkles. We talked with only our lips moving, without any facial expression. To me it was so funny, I could not help laughing. After we rinsed it off, we looked in the mirror.
"now look at yourself, you face is glowing." He looked at me for a minute.
"You don't like it, do you."
"No." I had to be honest.
"See that's the difference. You have naturally good skin. For us, we have to take good care of ourselves to be presentable."
When we went out, it was raining. The bar was desolate. No one was dancing. "hey let's get the party started." Ben said. We all moved to the dancing floor. Josh had this queen attitude. He had to be invited. I did know why. He did not quite enjoy it. Maybe he did not think he got enough attention. Soon, the dancing floor was crowded. I did not notice when they left the dancing floor. But when I left it to find them, they were nowhere to be found. I was angry, mostly of myself than of them. I went home alone. One side of me wanted to forget about them. The other side tried to put sense into my head. Finally, the rationality won over my ego. I called Ben and left a message on his cell phone.
Then next day, he called, apologizing. It turned out that Josh wanted to leave suddenly, and they did not even have time to say goodbye, which still not enough to sooth my ego. But after all, he cared, so he is forgiven.
Chapter 4
The following weekend, I called Ben. I told myself I just wanna say hello. But that was not true. I wanted to be near him. My place and I seemed cold. His place with nice lit rooms and his personality seemed so warm. I longed for the family feeling.
"You wanna go out for lunch tomorrow." He asked.
"Yes, I 'd like to." The night seemed longer but bearable, cause I had something to expect.
I brought a painting I did the previous Winter with me. All my paintings are kind of sad. I tend to be drawn to sad people and sad beatiful pictures. I tried to paint something warm the previous winter. It was cold and I wanted to have something to lift my spirit up. It was a man touching another man's face in a wild field. The late afternoon autumn sun casting on them gave the whole frame a warm feeling. Still it is a little sad like the tenderness is so poignant. It is not my best one. I did not want to part with my better ones, not as gifts.
Kerry was nowhere in the house. Ben told me he was working. We hugged. I thought I had addicted to it already. Holding each other, laying your head on each others shoulder, suddenly, you feel like whole, like all the acheing and yearning are fading away.
He liked the painting very much, and said I was really talented, which embarassed me a bit.
"It is too gay for my straight friends anyway. I thought your house could have a painting."
After he finally have enough look at the painting, we sat down in two different couches. It was cloudy that morning. The silver light from the sliding door to the patio gave the funiture a gentle cool look. It was like we were in a old black and white photo in the old time. We talked about friends, about how people adjust to environment. How we changed. How to maintain our own identity, not losing ourselves. It struck me how he could be so deep and shallow at the same time. He cared so much about his look, his body, and all these small distractions. I thought maybe that was a good attitude towards life, enjoying it and following it. And maybe I was the shallow one with all these analyzing.
He called Tim on our way to the restaurant. When we were in public place, he became all flirty again. He flirted with the waitress. Talked about Tim's hair style. But when he looked at me, it was with all the sincerity. Tim was dating a new guy again that weekend, a guy from Hongkong.
"I really like him. We hung out in my apartment, rent a movie and cuddle. I gave him my phone number. He has not called yet. I think it went well" Poor Tim. All the expectation and dissapointment.
Ben seemed to have been used to it. "welcome to our group. So you finally found how beatiful asian boys are."
Ben asked me if I was free in the afternoon. I told him that I needed to teach a friend to drive. Tim said he was a driving coach before. He seemed quite eager to help. I really feel sorry for him. I knew quite well what a pain loneliness could be sometimes. Tim left after the lunch. I went to walmart with Ben. He needed to do someone grocery shopping.
"Tell me what kinds of guys do you like." He asked.
"I like you." I said. It was quite easy for me. And I did not mean sexually. It was my general feeling for him. Something quite, peaceful and normal.
He did not answer but it did not bother me, cause I knew that he liked me. It was easy being with him, because I did not have to guess how he felt about me. It was just that clear.
I put my hand over his hand when we left walmart. It was not intentional. His hand was on the gear shift. When I was with my first German boyfriend, it had became a habit holding each other's hands when driving. I said sorry. He said he did not mind. But I kept my hands under control. I wanted this friendship to work out. I wanted it to last forever. I did not wanted to ruin it.
Chapter 5
One night, I was at home. I looked out of my window. What I saw was one of the most beautiful pictures of my life. There are moments when you stop and see something so beautiful, you feel happy and sad at the same time. You want so much to preserve the moments but you know nothing so beautiful could last. And you just want to share this fleeting moment with someone you love. One of this moment was in the first winter I was here. It was late afternoon. From my window, I could see two trees. The blanches were bare of leaves but they were covered by snow or ice. The late afternoon sunlight passing the blanches, lit up the snow and ice, it was like crystal and jade and heaven. I was sad because I had no one then. The second time was the second spring. It was in a morning, I woke up early and went to school on a early bus. There was fog, and the sun was coming up. So the fog was fading, but some still lingered by trees. It was like dream, you childhood and lost innocence. I sent my second German boyfriend an email decribing what I saw. He replied right away, telling me he saw the same thing too and my mail was beatiful. I was happy that day.
That night, an early winter night, when I looked out of my window, I saw something I wanna share with Ben. The night was quiet like deep sleep. The full moon was silver blue. Beside the moon was cloud like a lotus flower with silver lining lit up by moonlight. The sky was deep but approachable. On the ground, everything was calm and peaceful as if it was under the blessing of the half smile of a buddha. I felt like that if I kicked the ground hard enough, I could fly away like a spirit in a nirvana. I took my digital camera and tried to capture it, but it did not work. I wanted so much to call Ben and tell him "look out the window." But I did not. I called the other friend. She was single and alone. Still I felt there was something missing.
That weekend, I invited Ben and Kerry out for dinner. The original plan was Saturday night, but Kerry had to work, so we postponed to Sunday night. I went to my lab on Saturday, working the whole day. When I pulled out of the parking lot. I was daydreaming. I could not remember what I was thinking about. But I sure got a lot on my mind. And I was sucking a candy. I tried to role down the window and throw out the stick in the candy. I lost control of my car. It ran into a car parked by the street. The alarming system of the other car went off. I managed to get out of my car. The front of my car and the other car were badly damaged. It was raining. I stood on the sideway waiting for the owner to come out. The sound of the alarm echoing on the barren street. Finally a couple of guys came out. We called the police and the towing company. They were nice, but apparently upset. The guys were from another state and here for the football. So it was gonna be a hassle to get home. "are you all right, you are shaking." One of the guys asked.
"It is the cold." I said.
After everything was settled. The police took me home. I called Jane and talked for a while. She said she had some dinner left. So I went there and ate.
The next day I called Ben and told him to picked me up for the dinner. In the car, he talked about how good a person Kerry was. Always willing to help his colleages out.
"You sound like a proud boyfriend." I said without showing my jealousy. I knew I had no right to be jealous. But I was a little bit bitter because of the car accident.
"Yes I am." He said.
The highway to the restaurant went over a hill. The fog was so thick we could barely see anything 30 feet away. Somehow I felt safe in it. The road and the air became all clear after the hill.
Tim was there waiting for us when we got there. The Chirstsmas was coming, so they talk about all the gifts they were buying for their family. Ben and Kerry were also talking about the vacation they were gonna take. Which made me even more miserable. Tim said he was making quilts for his family. He bought a sewing machine and began it a couple of weeks ago.
I was kind of quite the evening. Ben asked me if I was alright a couple of times. When we left. Tim showed us the quilt he had in his car. That must have being time comsuming with all the pattern.
"Now you are all have special talents. Mark and Kerry paint, you sew. I suck." Ben said jockingly.
"Oh, I am good at sucking though" he added. Everyone laughed.
They took me home. On the bus, I told them that I had a car accident last night. I did not plan to tell them, but I needed some attention. With all the holiday atmosphere, I was depressed. I hated holidays here. Holidays mean I have to spent time all by myself. It was gonna be the frist chrismas I spent by myself. The first chrismas I was in the American friend's home. The second was with my friend John. His wife was still in China then. The third year, John and his wife came over. They invited me over for Chrismas. But his wife had became such a pain in the ass, I did not feel like going at all.
I got the attention I was supposed to got from Ben. But it did not help at all.
Chapter 6
Fortunatly, my insurance covered both my car and the other car. I felt better as the days went by.
Ben called again, inviting me over for dinner. He asked Tim to pick me up. On our way to Ben's place. I asked him how was things going with Ken, the Hongkong guy.
"Pretty well, I guess." So they had a couple of more dates. I was wondering if I knew this Ken.
"are you going back to China when you finish your school here." He asked.
"Probably not, Too many people there. You could not even find a place to make out." He laughed, but we pretty much ran out of topics to talk about. With some people, you never have to worry about having awkward moments. Ben was an example. With Tim, I just did not have the connection.
They just bought this new Karaok machine and were quite excited about it. But they did not have many disks and were waiting for some friend to send them more. We sang along for a while. Kerry had a vioce as high as small girls, which could be terrifying sometimes. I just did not have the voice for high pitch songs.
They were planning this weekend getway. We were going to D city the next weekend. Ben asked me what I liked to do. I knew it was gonna be the same old. Shopping in malls, bar hopping.
"Why don't we go gambling."Last time I went gamble was in K city. I won some. I thought without love, I was gonna have luck. They thought that was a good idea.
We had another guest that night. He was a GI. Very tall and skinny. Short hair, big eyes. Baby face. He had this bad boy vibe, which made him quite charming. The dinner turned into a sex talk, which I did not participate much. But I did not mind at all. I told them some erotic story websites I went to. It was more about expectation and imagination. Ben was touching my feet with his.
Because I did not talk much, I drank too much. When the night ended, I was a little drunk. When we left, we all hugged each other. I was holding Ben from the back. With the courage from alchol, I kissed his neck.
Dave seemed to make quite an impression on Tim. On our way home, he kept talking about him. "Dave is quite cute, isn't he."
The next Friday night, Ben called to comfrim the trip. I was watching the victoria secret show on CBS. Sting was singing. It turned out that he was also a fan. We were so different yet so similar. We always had the similar outfits. We liked same kinds of films. We have similar opinions about many things. Sometimes, I think in a way we are all looking for allys. Someone to be on our side. It is so lonely fighting alone.
When we finally left for D city, It was kind of late. So we had to cancel the casino. We went to pick up Dave. He came out in a strange outfit like those worn by cult people. Black pants long and huge, with a lot of metal clips and chips and links and chains. Black shirt with skull images. The fragant he wore was sweet and heavy. It was such a huge contrast from the one I saw the other night.
He and Ben talked about his mother. From the talk, he seemed like a nice child taking care of his sick mother. Then they started talking about all the gay guys they knew in the city. Looked like they knew a lot about them too. So all the gay guys like to gossip. As far as you don't judge others, there is nothing wrong with it.
Our first stop was the mall. Tim was a little late. When we finally met, he was with this asian guy. He was Ken. And I knew him, but we had never talked before. I did not buy anything in the mall. While Ben spent quite a lot on cosmetic products. We checked out cute guys. A group of school girls looked at us giggling which was kind of funny.
In Gap, there was this black employee. He was so clearly a queen. He wiggled his big butt, pouting his big lips. Kept arranging his scarf and asking people "can I help you sir." "can I help you sir." A couple of cute guys came in the shop, he got totally excited and followed them around.
After the mall, we all went back to the hotel to take a rest and get ready for the bars. All the beautifying process repeated. I thought I could enjoy a life like this once for a while, but you got tired if you were too into it. Sometimes I prefer to be an outsider.
All the gay bars in the city were in a small downtown area. One bar was having a ten year anniversary than night. The bar was totally packed. We danced for a while then the drag show began. This one was acctually much better than the previous ones I saw. We saw the black Gap guy in the bar. He flirted with Dave and soon they dissappeared behind the bathroom door.
Over the dancing floor, a big web was holding hundreds of balloons. Inside the balloons were gifts. After the drag show, the web was loosed and everyone tried to catch as many as they could. I got one. I got a shirt with the ticket inside.
We decided to go to another bar. But Dave was nowhere to be found. Ben went to find him. He disappeared too. Kerry and I waited by the door for a while and went to find them. There they were in the middle of the bar, flirting with each other. Kerry did not went up to them. Instead, he went back to the door. I followed him. There was some saddness on his face. We kept silent and waited until they came out.
They did not waited for Tim and Ken. I was getting angrier but I did not say anything. The other bar was much quiter and it had huge dancing floor with mirror walls. Not many people were dancing. But I did not care. I danced and Ben joined me. I tried to pulled Kerry in, but he was reluctant.
In the middle of a song, I heard Ben whispering "Mark, what am I supposed to do with you." I pretended that I did not hear it.
When we left the bar, Dave came out of the bathroom. He was drunk and with a fem boy in a leather jecket. He was loud and rude. The boy left. I did not know what happened. But it did not take me long to figured out that they dated for a month and the boy left him. It sounded ridiculous to me that it deserved so much drama. Now I knew beside gossip, every gay guy liked drama. In the car, he was cursing everyone involved or not involved, which was quite a scene to watch if you were not in the same car. We all tried to calm him down but with no success. We stop at a restaurant for something to eat. The waitress was kind of rude, and everybody got pissed off. Even Tim began to curse. We left the restaurant without ordering anything. I was used to people being rude. It was acceptable that you got angry working at 2:00pm in the morning and having to deal with some drunk guy.
We got something to eat in a fastfood restaurant. With food, Dave seemed to gain some sanity. Ben seem to got a lot on his mind. On our way back to the hotel, he reached over and put his hand on my neck. It stayed there all the way back to the hotel.
We took turn taking shower. There were only two beds and we had six people. Ben, Kerry and Dave shared a bed. Ken, Tim and I share the same bed. Ken and I chated a bit when Tim was in the shower. He seemed to be a nice person, but he was not my type. When Tim came out he slid between us. I turned to the side. I heard Tim say "can I cuddle with you." Ken answered "sure"
I woke up early in the morning. I did not sleep well. The bed was too hot, while the air was cold. I had to opened the blanket and closed it again and again while afraid of waking them up.
Dave seemed to regret about last night and he apologized. On our way home, nobody talked much. We all listen to the music. Ben reached over and I took his hand. We dropped Dave off at his place. On our way to my place, Ben suddenly asked again. "what Kind of people do you like."
"Someone like myself I guess. I want a simple life."
Chapter 7
We talked on the phone for a couple of time after that. Once he asked me if I was gonna stay here after I graduate. I said "No I hate the winter here."
I complaint about the unstablity of gay relationship. When you leave one place, you usually leave someone one behind. He said not if you were really in love. One person could always move with the other one. I had never stayed or gone anywhere for anyone, so that made me a selfish person plus never being in love.
He said he would be knocking on my door at that very moment if he did not have a boyfriend. That was quite a compliment, but also sounded sad.
Then came the afternoon. I called him. He said he was coming over. We hugged when he stepped in my apartment. "I miss you." I said.
We sat down on my couch. He kissed me on the lips, which took me by surprise. I had promised myself never to make the first move. He pulled back and looked at me in the eyes. To reassure him, I moved forward and kissed him.
He sighed after we broke the kiss. "I have wanted to do this for so long." I heard him say.
We made out on the couch. At one point he asked "what are you thinking."
I said "nothing." Which hurt him a bit.
"People always say that." He thought I did not want to tell he what was on my mind. Truth was I did not know what to tell. I buried my face in his neck. I heard him wisper my name.
Time flew by. He said he still had some last minute chrismas shopping to do. When we put our clothes on. He said "so we fooled around. That was nice. Lets forget about it and still be friends." I knew he was trying to make the situation easy on both of us, so I was not offended at all. In a way, I thought he wanted to see my reaction to know how much I cared.
We went shopping together. I had nothing to buy, So I just walked around the stores. He was busy picking up things on his list. "you have this way of walking. Quiet and serene." He came up behind me. We touched each other here and there not intentionally but subconciouslly. One time he held my hand. When he realized it, he dropped and apoplgized "I did not mean to embarrass you in a public place." I said "I don't care."
We then went to car wash. We kissed in the car when it went through the washing tunnel. It was like the whole world was blocked out and there were only two of us. Then we went to the wine shop. The boss looked me up and asked how old I was and If I was of legal age. Ben was quite interested. "see, I told you. You look young. Don't ever say you feel old again."
On our way back to my apartment. He invited me over for dinner, but I rejected. I told him about the HBO movie Angles in America.
"so that's the reason you don't wanna come."
"NO."
"Then I guess you don't like the food I cook."
"Not really." I had to be honest.
He laughed. I thought that was the reason he liked to accept. The real reason was that I did not wanted to face Kerry. I did not know how I would reaction if I saw they were intimate. As the same time I felt sorry for him. I always say that I was not bound by commen morals. Different people have different heavens or hells. Every mistake because of loneliness or true feelings is forgivable. But I also tell myself not to do anything that I don't want others to do to me. And there I was doing it. At the same time I was not regreting it. The only person I felt sorry for was Kerry. Only later did I know that all three of us were victims of our desire for love.
The minute we were in my apartment, we started making out again. He seemed to have completely forgoten his earlier comment.
"are you scared of falling for me." I asked him in the middle of hugging and kissing.
"Are you." He asked.
"I am."
He sighed. A couple of minutes later "I have already fallen."
After the passion subsided, we lay there cuddling. I could see he got a lot on his mind. He was torn apart. "I don't wanna leave." I heard him murmured.
"What do you see in me, Mark." "why do you have to like me."
"never question yourself, Ben." I did not know how to comfort him. "You are the most selfless person I have seen." That was true. He was always kind to others, always considerate to how others feel, even with an asshole like Dave.
"You are so kind, you have so much great qulities. You deserve someone better. Someone that could love you unconditionally."
"I don't wanna hurt you or Kerry." That's the first time he brought up Kerry that day.
"Don't worry about me." Neither did I have any clue where this would went. I hoped that I could spare him any pain. He seemed to have fallen harder than I did. It was better I pulled out from this triangle.
When he finally left. I leaned on my kitchen counter. The apartment seemed darker and colder. My mind was all blank.
Chapter 8
Ben and Kerry left for a vacation the next week. I though of Ben when I was walking when I was eating. He was in my mind before I went to sleep and when I woke up in the morning. I did not sleep well. Sometimes I woke up at night, with all the longing. Like nowhere to go and you try to grab something solid. It drove me crazy.
I went to the bar alone that weekend. I danced alone. It was quiet at the beginning. Even with loud music if there were not many people around, you got this quiet feeling. More people came as the night deepened. Then came a group of people. Some were black and some were bi-racial. I always have a liking for bi-racial people. They look exotic. Fair skin. Beatiful faces. There was a boy in the group. He had this big doe eyes, full lips, short hair. He sat by the dancing floor, while his friends flirting with other people. Late that night he finally came up to the dancing floor. He danced around me for a while, apparently not a good dancer. He was shy and smile innocently. We move together. I made the first move. I took his hand and led him close.
We danced the whole night. When the bar closed, we were holding hands. We took a walk outside.
"what's your name." I asked.
"Larry. You."
"Mark."
"Where are your friends."
"I don't know."
Some of them were his cousins. Others were his cousins' friends. They came in a brand new Mercedes. They are from D city, which was one hour away. He asked me where I live. Here I said.
"Damn, all the good ones are far away." He talked like a teenager. It is really hard to tell their ages. It could be much older or much younger. "Can I have your phone number."
I gave it to him. He entered it into his cell phone. But I did not think anything was gonna happened. He might call, but if I did not pick up the phone, then that's the end.
The next day, I went to the lab. When I got home. I had a message from him. He said he was coming over tonight. When would he left home and when he was supposed to be here. I called him. He said he was on his way already. I asked him if he had to work tomorrow. There was a short silence.
I had a panick attack. Oh he was jobless. Then he said he was on vacation. So I asked him if he was a high school student. He laughed "NO, I go to college."
The next time he called he was already in the city. But he only knew the downtown area. I told him to find a parking place near the bar and I would go get him.
He reminded me of myself when I was younger. If I liked someone, just went and got him, never afraid of being hurt.
It was cold that night. It took me a while to find him. When I found him, he was only wearing a shirt. He followed me to my apartment. He was also quite impressed by the arts in there.
"You are a better artist than I am." He said.
"You also paint."
"No, I play some piano."
"I wish I could play some music instruments." "My hands are to clumsy."
He took my hands and looked at them "No, you have good hands."
"You were not speaking at all last night in the bar. I thought you were mute. I was a relief when you finally speak." He said.
"I like people with defects. I am especailly attracted to mute people."
"Sorry to disappoint you." He laughed like a child.
"How old are you." I asked.
"Nineteen, you."
"Twenty five." I never had a problem with my age.
"so when I am twenty five, you are gonna be thirty one."
"good calculation."
"I don't mind at all." He chuckled.
It turned that we had a lot in common. We talked about movie, music. He like white strip and thought Jake White was cute. I asked him about high school. He said that was tough if you were gay and out. He had two big rings on his fingers.
He told me one was high school graduation ring with his name on it. Apparently, he went to a private school. The other was from his father. His father was a marine. His father was black and his mother was Italian.
"I don't think my mother would have any trouble accepting me if she find out. But my father, that would be a different story."
At one point during our talk. He lean over and I hold him close.
"What are you looking for Mark." He asked.
"I don't think I could handle a full time boyfriend right now."
"I understand." He said, a little sad.
"I like you." I asid.
"I know."
Before we notice, it was twelve already. His phone rang. He did not take the call. After a minute, he picked it up and looked at the ID. "it is my Mother."
"Don't you wanna call her back."
"I will call her tomorrow morning."
We took shower separately. Then I gave him some mouthwash. "this stuff is tough." When he rinsed his mouth. He made face as if it was really disgusting. "I could be really whiny sometimes." He was like a kid again.
He went to bed with the towel on. I had my pajama on. After a while, he moved over and kissed me. He kissed all over. I thought he was possesive in a way but I did not mind. He also gave good massage. He was quite energetic. Soon it was three in the morning. I really needed to get some sleep.
"Hey, baby boy, I have to work tomorrow."
"But I could not sleep. You keep me awake."
"Why don't you jerk off."
"only if you jerk off with me."
He came but I did not.
"You were cheating."
"Who do you think of when you usually jerk off." I tried to divert his attention.
"This time, you." He said accusingly.
"I don't believe it." I went up to take his towel away. Then I took a look at myself in the mirror. My body and my neck were covered with kiss marks.
"Oh, how am I supposed to explain them to my semi-boyfriend." I referred to Ben. "And I hate to wear turtleneck." I could be quite insensitive sometimes. I saw the hurt look on his face.
We went to sleep eventually. I woke up early next morning. He was still sleepy. But he got up with me. I took him to the downtown area, where he could find his way home and I could take a bus to my lab. The sky was cloudy and he was moody.
Before I left his car. He said "give me a call."
I called him that night and asked how his day went.
"I slept the whole day off. You kept me awake the whole night." He was chuckling, seemed to be in a better mood.
"Can I came over this wensday." That was the Chrismas day. "Sure" I said. I was lonely.
That Wensday. He did not come, and did not call. I was not angry. I was upset. I called him many times. He did not pick up the phone. I believed that he was not such an inconsiderate person. There must be something happening. I thought that subconsciously I wanna believed this explaination too. Being stood up was too much for my ego. At one point, I was so upset, I called Ben. He did not pick up the phone either.
The next day Ben called, he left a message on my phone, saying he did not have his phone with him last night. At noon, when I was taking a nap, Larry called. My answering machine picked up the call. He said he was sorry. They had a family game night last night and he left his phone in his room. He was clearly lying. After a short period of silence, he exclaimed "I did not have money and gas." Like he wanted to get something out of his chest and embarassed.
So clearly something happened. He had this nice jeep and his family seemed well of enough to send him to a private school. My guess was that his father found out. That was what I wanted to believe. I called him that night and asked him if he was OK. He said he was. But I could tell he was upset. I did not asked for more information. At the end of the conversation, he asked "can I come over on December 31th."
I wasn't sure about that. I thought it meant something that he wanted to spent the new year eve with me. So I said "OK, if you want."
He did not come. And this time I did not call. I threw away his phone number. I am always wondering what happened. A cynical part of me wanted to believe that I got stood up, it was just a game I lost. A selfish and no so selfish part of me wanted to believed that he was not a player and his father found out. So he did not have the money to come over. I am wondering what I could have done if that was the truth. I felt kind of weak thinking of the idea. There was nothing I could have done. I could barly support myself, let along a rich Kids. Once he told me he spend two hundred on gas a month.
Chapter 9
Ben came back from his vacation shortly after the new year. He was having a gathering in his house. I knew quite well that If I went that night something bad was gonna happen. But I went anyway, partly because I wanted to see him partially because my defiance. If there was a god, If you wanted to give me bad luck, I did not care.
His house was warm and shining, with all the beautiful chrismas decoration. I havn't been there for a while. It became kind of crowded. There were small chrismas gifts everywhere. Glass turtle. All kinds of candles. Small water fountain. Sometimes, I thought chrismas in American had became such a nonsenese. Everybody accumulates lots of useless gifts.
Tim was with an quite attractive Latino that night. Clearly Ken had left him. From Ben, I knew that after Ken, he dated a closet Vitanim guy, some big dick black guy. He seemed to had a huge crush on the Latino boy.
The Latino boy was Nick, he was in nursing school. Just broke up with his boyfriend of four years. We sat around the fireplace and talked about new year resolutions. Tim wanted to find a new job, do some volenteer work. I thought the second part was just to impress Nick. Nick's resolution was to graduate nursing school, and work in the unversity hospital and start his graduate study. Kerry's was to work harder, shop less and spend more time with his friends. Ben's was to spend more time with his family and take things slowly and enjoy life more. I did not have a resolution.
"sometimes I want this, sometimes I want that. Sometimes I want a boyfriend, sometimes I think a full-time boyfriend is too much for me to handle." That was true, I could never imagine myself being in Kerry's position. "I just want my experiment to work well."
"That's pretty practical." Ben said.
"with less expectation, less the chance that you got disspointed." "I don't like to try too hard, that's unnatural."
"how do you know you try enough." Ben asked
"Try till you are satisfied."
"that's an interesting idea."
"Why don't you want a full-time boyfriend." Nick asked. He seemed interested.
"I might get tired." That's put an end to it.
Nick had to left early that night. Tim escorted him out. When he came back he was all smiling.
"He asked me if I am gonna be alright to be left alone with you guys. He is quite protective. Don't you think."
"What do you think of him?"
"I like him." Kerry said. We all agreed. Tim went to the computer and logged on the msn group and pull out a photo album of Nick's. There were photos he took with his friends, photos of himself and one his ex-boyfriend.
"I know his boyfriend. His name is Brad. Right?" I asked Tim.
"Did you go out with him." Ben asked.
"No, he is not my type."
Ben and Tim went to get ready for the bar. Kerry wasn't feel well. So he was not going. We sat on the couch watching Magaret Cho stand up. He soon feel asleep. He cuddled up to me and holding my hand. His fingers were shaking in his sleep. That was the first time he did not wear hair gel. I suddenly felt some tenderness welling up from my heart. Like he was my child and I could not bear to hurt him. I knew it was time I ended the affair with Ben.
I drove my own car following Ben and Tim. When we got out of the house, it was snowing. The snow was light. They took the highway. When we got close to the downtown, snow was much heavier. Its only a ten minute distance, there was a huge difference. So I wasn't prepared at all. When we went off the highway, it was downhill. Suddenly I found that I could not control my car. The brake lost it function. My car went sideway and sliding forward. I actually prayed that I did not hit Ben's car. His was a brand new sport car. I did not want to get into anything finantial with him. Luckly they speeded up the car.
My car ran into a ditch. It was a very short period of time, but you could hear yourself thinking. It was like looking at your own fate, knowing that you did not have any control. It was stopped by short bushes and snow. My mind went blank, like the light refleting on the snow in front of me. I got out of my car and climbed up the ditch. I stood by the side way, not knowing what to do. Cars running by, I thought Ben and Tim did not know. Then I had to walk home. Then I saw him running towards me. He pulled me into him.
"Mark, Are you Ok, you are not hurt, are you." He was more nervous than I was.
"I am alright." I laugh like an idiot. He took off his jacket and put it on me.
"No, you are gonna catch cold." I put it back.
He later told me that he thought he was gonna lose me when he saw the car run into the ditch, that's when he realized how much he loved me.
"Look like we have to deal with it tomorrow. You wanna go home or go to the bar."
"The bar." I said.
After dance, he led me to a quite corner.
"Mark, I am so sorry about the car."
"It is not a big deal." I said.
"sometimes I notice that you like to dance alone. I don't wanna hold you down." He was trying to say something. "I am so sad. Everyone I love is not well. My mom is dying. The doctor told me that she could not go through this winter. Kay, he has a tumor in his brain." He was crying.
I was heartbroken. I held him close. "Sorry Ben, I did not know it. I am so selfish dwelling on my feeling for you."
"No, you are my only comfort. When I think of you, everything seems much more bearable. Like I saw the light."
We went back to his place. Everyone sat in the kitchen talking about this and that. After Tim and Kerry went to sleep. Ben led me into the guestroom. We did not do anything, we just cuddled. I guessed we both needed the comfort. One moment, I told him to get back to Kerry. He did not hear it clearly. But I did not repeated either.
Then the door went open. Kerry stood there and call Ben. Ben got up and went back to their bedroom with Kerry.
I did not sleep well and woke up early in the morning. The room was cold. No one was up yet. I found a book and sat in the kitchen reading it, waiting for the day to break the night. I thought that I could never love Ben as much as Kerry do. I decided that I was not gonna see Ben again. Tim came up with a blanket warpping around himself. Apparently it was cold down there to. We kept quite. He went outside and picked up the newspaper. Aftering going throught it. He said "It is the heaviest snow this year. I am wondering if Nick got home safe last night."
Ben came out. His cheerful self again. "what a host I am. I forgot to turn on the heat last night." He turned on the electric fire in the fireplace and asked us to sit around the fire. Then he grabed and blanket and put it over me. That morning Kerry called triple A to have my car towed out of the ditch. It was still snowing, we took Kerry's jeep there. When we were waiting, a car came off the highway. It lost control and ran into and lamppole. When Ben saw it, he got off the jeep and ran towards the car. The lady at the passenger seat were hurt. Ben call 911 and stayed by her side talking with her trying to keep her awake. I realized what a wonderful man I was gonna left behind.
The ambulance came, so did the police car. It was a total chaos. The guy from the towing company came and took a look at my car. He told us we had to wait until the snow stopped and the road cleared up. They took me back to my apartment. It was all cold and lifeless.
Chapter 10
The next day was Monday. When I got home from school. Ben left a message on the anwering machine. He had all the paper work done. And Tim would pick me up. That was a sunny day. The air was crispy and extremely cold. It was kind awkward being alone with Tim. I was happy that he had Nick to talk about.
"Tim, can I ask you a favor." I did not like it a bit.
"Sure, what is it."
"I am not gonna see Ben and Kerry for a while?"
"Why?" He asked, but I was sure he had known the reason.
"Some reason." I was not comfortable talking about it.
"Oh" It seemed to dawn on him and he stopped asking.
"Do you mind that I call you sometimes and ask about how they are doing."
"Not at all, you are very welcomed."
They pulled my car out of the ditch. It was still drivable but needed to be fixed. I wanted to buy Tim a dinner for the trouble. But he rejected. That was some relief to me. I drove my battered car home. I called Ben to thank him. My nose was running because I stayed outside for so long. He thought I was crying. He said he loved me. I was happy. I said I loved you too. I did not know if that was love or not. But I cared for him that much, I could not bear to not say it back. I did not care. Even if that was not real love, I had never been that close to being in love.
I told him that I wanted to be left alone for a while. "I need to get over this feeling for you Ben."
I could tell that was not what he wanted. The idea of me getting over him scared him. "I don't work that way. Once it is there it is there forever. You are the second person I really loved. But I respect you decision."
The next day I drove my car to an auto shop and had it check. This time, my insurance did not cover my own car. To have it fixed costed three thousand. I told them that even the car was intact, it worth less than three throusand.
That night, Tim called and asked about my car. So I told him about the checkup. The next day, I got an email from Ben, telling me that he wanted to help me have the car fixed. I told him that I had the money. I asked him not to be so good to me. How else was I supposed to get over him. My reply hurt him. He said he was not gonna bother me again. I could not bear to see him hurt. The whole morning I was sulking. I wrote him a letter telling him why I had to do that. I was not a cold hearted person. I just wanted to protect myself. And I did not wanna see him hurt too. So that was the best for us.
Chapter 11
Ben and Kerry went to P City to have the tumor removed the following week. I called Tim the day after the surgery. The surgery went well. I was happy. With Kerry getting better, Ben would have someone to lean on.
It was when you tried to get over someone that you realize how much he meant to you. I could not sleep well. I woke up in the middle of the night, wandering around my apartment like a ghost. I got angry. Once I was so angry, I sent him an email accusing him seducing me even when he was still in love with Kerry. Sometimes you like someone so much, you want to hurt him. I regretted right after I sent the mail. Days and weeks got by slowly.
One morning, I got an email from Ben. His mother passed away that morning. I called him that night, trying to comfort him. He cried in the phone. He said that was he first time he cried since he got there.
"Mark, I am so tired. I have been tried to be strong for everybody." I understood his outburst. If you are strong, people expect you to take the burden and suffer silently.
"Hey, you have us. Kerry, Tim, and me. We will be there for you."
"I love you." He said
"I love you too." I understood that he needed all the love he could get.
I sent him some jokes, trying to cheer him up. I did not think that helped much. But all I could do was listening and waiting.
Life went on. I knew if I suffered this much. He must have suffered much more than I do. We tried not to write or call each other.
One day, the longing became so unbearble, I sent him an email. There was nothing in it expect I miss you. He called that night, saying he almost came over.
"Lets meet sometime next week." He said.
"OK" I did not care. If I was gonna go to hell, then bring on the hell.
Chapter 12
That was Thursday. We had a seminar that morning. And after the seminar anyone who wanna talk with the seminar speaker could go to lunch with him. My lab collaborated with another lab. They had a new postdoc. Usually none of them went to the seminar in our department. That morning, my boss invited them all over, trying to impress the new postdoc. The guy was from China. I found an apartment for him and picked him up. He was very rude, so I did not like him at all. And He smelled. The first night he was here, my boss wanted to take him out for dinner. And he asked me along. But I did not want to go so I told them that I had to work that night. I did not know that my boss was mad at me because I refused to go to dinner with them.
He picked that morning to take out his anger at me. After the seminar, he told me I should go to lunch, which he never cared much about. I told him I could not. He went into a rage. It was ridiculous.
I went home anyway. Ben and I were supposed to meet at noon. When I got home, he was already there. The sideway outside of my apartment was cover with snow. He stood there, all black. I ran towards him. My scarf flew away, so I had to run back and pick it up. I ran into his arms.
"It was so nice to see you again." He murmured on my ear. It had been two monthes since we last saw each other.
We cuddled on my couch. At one point, I was on top of him "Ben, say you love me."
"I love you, Mark"
"I love you, Ben."
We then moved to my bed. "I want you to be happy, Mark."
We were so tired, like all the emotions were so heavy, it squeezed out the passion in us. He dozed off in my arms. Finally time came for him to leave. He had to get back to work.
On his way out he stop "Mark, say you love me."
"I love you, Ben."
"I love you, Mark."
We were in each other's arms again. "I have always wondering what it is like to be your boyfriend, to lead a life you lead." He said.
"Can we just like this. Meet once for a while. I have never wanted you to leave Kerry." I asked.
"That would be unfair for you and for Kerry. You deserved someone who could give you all the love he could give." I did not realize then that it would be even more unfair for him.
"Ben, stay for the afternoon, or stay forever." I said.
"Forever, you will get tired of me."
Somehow, we both knew that that would be the end.