LEARNIING HOW TO FLY The Sequel, Part III ~ Without You I'm Nothing ~
Hello all. This is it. The last part of Dragonfly, once and for all. As always, comments, praise and criticism are appreciated and should be sent to Pandora0071@lycos.com. Thanks.
Disclaimer: This story is purely fiction and in no way represents the true beliefs/opinions/sexualities of the celebrities mentioned. If you are underage or accessing material of this kind is illegal where you live, lock the door or butt out.
"I Take the plan, spin it sideways I Fall Without you I'm nothing Without you I'm nothing Without you I'm nothing Take the plan, spin it sideways Without you I'm nothing at all"
(lyrics by Placebo, `Without You I'm Nothing')
He formed his decisions on the plane, in the short moments of consciousness that interrupted the long procession of unsettling dreams. He felt sick and wasn't sure if it was from the turbulence or from his guilty conscience. Whenever he was awake he became agitated and walked up and down the isle until he felt tired and dizzy again and returned to his seat to fall back into restless sleep. Despite this, he wished that he could stay on the plane forever, distant and removed from the mess he had created. He had no solutions and he was frightened. The things that had happened in the surreal hours between midnight and morning, and the conversation he had had with Brian before leaving had opened his eyes about many things. He knew that his relationship with Colin was in danger and had been so for quite a while. But he also knew that he loved him more than anyone else in the world. He had no idea what it would take to fix things, and he feared that with his confessions would finish things off before they'd get the chance to work them out. For this much was sure: he would have to tell Colin about the last night.
When the plane finally touched down, he felt as though he had been painfully ripped out of a dream and pulled back into reality. Everything seemed overly real to him, the colors blinded him, the noise of people talking around him was deafening. His senses were so incredibly acute that it was almost painful. He carried his bag to the exit and caught a cab outside the airport. Once he was on his way, he fingered his pocket to get out his cell phone, but then decided not to call Colin. He wanted to postpone confrontation for as long as possible.
When Colin woke up, he thought he was in the wrong room. Then he realized he was only on the wrong side of the bed. Confused and puzzled, he turned around. The other side of the bed looked rumpled and slept-in, but was empty. As he slowly tried to collect his thoughts, memories from last night came back disjointed and blurry, like a slide show where the slides had been shuffled and rearranged. A scrap of paper on the nightstand caught his eye and he fumbled for his glasses, then reached for the paper.
Colin, I enjoyed last night and I hope it will not cause you too much trouble. I know about your boyfriend and I probably should not have tempted you. Take care of yourself. Heather.
With a loud groan he pulled the blanket over his head, the note crumbled up in his closed fist. What had he been thinking? `You weren't thinking at all' he reminded himself and groaned again. He was dissatisfied in his relationship, he had felt lonely and reckless and confused and yes, he had always wanted to find out what the other side was like. But all of this would sound ridiculous when put forward as an excuse or justification for cheating. Nothing could excuse or justify his behaviour. He was frightened.
By the time he put his key in the lock and turned it around, he felt dizzy and wired and he wished there was some way he could forego all conversation and crawl straight into his bed. The cab had had to stop a couple of feet up the street and he'd hurried back to his apartment through the rain, his collar pulled high, his shoulders hunched. Now he was drenched and the weight of the clammy clothes on his skin only added to the feeling of unease that refused to leave him.
The door opened before he had the chance to turn the knob. Colin stood before him, his clothes rumpled, his hair messy, bags underneath his eyes. Something was off. Nick dropped his luggage carelessly in the hallway and hugged his boyfriend. Burying his face in Colin's shoulder, tears stinging in his eyes. After a while he calmed down again and took a step back. He watched as Colin took in his appearance and he knew that he looked frightful as well. The dim light in the hallway did little to conceal his disheveled looks. He felt bare and surreal and wet and tired and before either of them could utter their first word, Nick picked up his bag again and fled to the bedroom. With a few minutes delay, Colin followed.
Nick was curled up on the still unmade bed, hugging his knees to his chest and burying his head in the sheets. He could feel the mattress shifting as Colin sat down and he shook his head.
"Don't touch me, Colin." He whispered. "There are things you need to know first." He stayed in his position because he could not stand to look at Colin. Keeping his eyes firmly shut, he started to speak in a low monotone.
"Brian and I had a talk and it turns out that he was so freaked out because I made him feel insecure when I came out. He began to question his own sexuality and naturally felt a bit confused. It was really getting to him. Even Leighanne began to notice that something was wrong and when he told her she got furious and moved out. He'd never tried anything with a guy though and still wasn't sure about anything. So when I was there we fell asleep on the couch and when we woke up there was this chemistry between us and before I knew what was going on we were making out." Nick paused. Because he did not know how to go on and because he wanted to hear a reaction from Colin. When it finally came, it was delivered in an icy tone, made hard by barely contained anger.
"What happened then?" Colin asked. Nick squeezed his eyes shut.
"I went down on him." He waited for the explosion and when nothing happened, he uncurled himself and turned around. Colin sat unmoved, his eyes focused somewhere in outer space.
"Please say something!" Nick begged.
"I suppose that must have been a very convincing argument in favor of preserving your friendship?" The tone was acrid and dripping with sarcasm.
"I ... dammit, Colin! It wasn't like that!"
"Yeah, well, I don't care to know what it was like." With that he walked out.
The door slammed shut and Nick stared at it in disbelief. Rage and fury overcame him and he grabbed a pillow and tossed it at the door, then another one. He was about to wad up the sheet and send it flying, too, when a crumbled up piece of paper caught his eye. He reached for it and unfolded it. He read it once, twice, then a third time. And then he started to laugh.
Nick took a long, hot shower, then changed into drier clothes. Feeling warm and altogether more human, he wandered into the living room where Colin was hiding behind a book. He walked over and dropped the note in his lovers lap.
"You have some nerve, you know. Getting angry because I slept with Brian and neglecting to tell me that you spent the night screwing some random girl. Who is Heather, anyway?" Colin sighed.
"She moved into the apartment above us last week."
"Oh, right. So as a welcome gift you presented yourself?"
"You're in no position to talk." Colin shouted.
"Well, you ain't either!" Nick yelled back. "But at least I told you. And it was someone I know, someone I have a history with. Not some random hit-and-run."
"And that makes all the difference." Nick nodded.
"It does, dammit. I mean, here I was driving myself insane with guilt and figure out how to tell you and you didn't even see it fit to say something." Sighing and rubbing his temples, Colin tried to think of something to say.
"I wanted to forget about it, Nick."
"Oh right, yes, I see that." Nick said in mock understanding. "Well, there better not be something else you wanted to forget about, or else I'll forget about this relationship."
The last part of Nick's sentence shocked them both into silence. They stared at each other across the room, feeling part angry and hurt, part guilty.
"That's what this is about, isn't?" Colin whispered. "Not Heather or Brian or cheating, it's about us and the fact that we don't know what `us' is anymore." Nick sank to the floor and leaned his back to the wall, burying his head between his knees.
The rain was drumming against the window in a steady rhythm, interrupted every once in a while by the low rumble of thunder. The light of the streetlamp drew patters with the raindrops on the glass, the yellow glow breaking off into a million different angles.
No other noise was heard as they both sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts, unsure what to do next. When the clock struck midnight, Colin rose and gathered his bed things, taking them to the couch. Too hurt to say anything, Nick retreated to their bedroom. Not even bothering to undress he lay in the darkness, staring blankly at the ceiling. Thoughts played catch in his mind, swirling too fast for him to keep up, much less reach some sort of conclusion. He felt as though he was floating, completely disconnected from himself and his life.
The creaking of the floorboards in the hallway took him by surprise and he sat up, staring blindly at the door, blinking. The door opened and Colin's shadow was outlined by the light in the hallway. He remained in the doorway.
"Why did you do it?" He asked. His voice was husky and tainted only by sadness.
"We ran out of words." Was the first thing that came to Nick's mind. It was the truth, he realized, but would he make Colin understand? No reply came from the shadow in the doorway, and Nick continued, speaking more to himself than Colin.
"We didn't know how to sort things out verbally because we had lost our connection, the bond between us. It wasn't so much sex in a physical sense as much as a way to salvage something that we had lost somewhere along the lines. And when we talked about it later he said he now knows that his place is with women. He's straight. There is nothing between us but friendship." Colin shook his head slowly. Taking his cue, Nick asked,
"And why did you do it?" Communication was becoming easier, he realized. This afternoon he'd felt as though he'd been treading on thin eyes, ready to break through and fall into icy water at any second. Now the ground was firmer again.
"When you left I started to think about things, about the path we've been taking lately and I grew dissatisfied and became afraid that I'd lose you and it all seemed so vast and dangerous to me that I shut my mind off completely. And Heather gave me this opportunity to flee into oblivion by doing something I had never done before. It was a way to feel less myself, or to be another version of myself. Only it didn't work. It was more like an experiment where you mix two chemicals to see how they react together and it is sort of interesting but ultimately not very exciting and you don't really feel like ever doing it again. And I realized that the part of me that's real is the part that loves you. No matter what." He fell silent and moved towards the bed. Nick reached for Colin's hands, pulling him close and enveloping him in his arms.
"There are many things we need to fix." Nick whispered in his ear.
"But I love you and I am ready and willing to work things out. "
"Yes." Colin agreed. "It's about time we take this to the next level."
THE END. Once and for all, sadly. Hope you enjoyed my little flight of fancy. Check back in. Sooner or later, I'll be back with another story. joey