This story contains portrayals of homosexual actions and lifestyles. There may be references to, or explicit descriptions of, sex between consenting adults.
If homosexuality, sexually explicit language, or swearing offends you, or if reading material that contains these topics violates any law or personal or religious beliefs, or if you under 18 years of age, please leave now, without proceeding further.
This story is entirely fictional, and any resemblances to actual persons are completely coincidental. Actual locations are mentioned, and are used for 'background' only.
Many of the character's names are Finnish. For those who wish to know how they are pronounced, read on.
Mikko - MEEK-ko Paavo - PAH-vo Joel - YOE-el Halonen - HALL-oh-nen
Roy roynm@mac.com
Leith - chapter 2
The airplane bucked once again, awakening Leith with a start. He looked around the dimly lit cabin, groggily returning the smile of the man sitting next to him. "Go back to sleep, son. Everything's okay."
"Thanks, Dad," Leith murmured, the drone of the plane's engines lulling him back to sleep.
The man raised his eyebrows then smiled as he returned to the book he was reading. After a few moments the boy began to sleep quietly once again, apparently dreaming.
Mikko and Leith returned to the darkened apartment, both emotionally exhausted from their final court appearance. They changed out of their suits and Mikko began rummaging in the kitchen, preparing dinner. Leith wandered into the dimly lit living room and stood before the large windows wearing a pair of Mason's running shorts, his arms crossed over his bare chest, silently looking out onto the night lights of Chicago. There were snarls of traffic far below on Lakeshore Drive and in the distance, lights from a passing ship were reflected on the still water of Lake Michigan. The fact that the trial was over had done little to dispel his melancholy mood.
"What now, Dad?" he asked without turning around. The noise from the kitchen ceased and he saw the reflection of his father look up then wipe his hands on a towel and walk around the counter into the living room only to come to an abrupt stop. He hesitated, as if he feared touching his son's bare skin. Leith watched as he bit his lip then stepped closer enfolding his son in an embrace, his chest to Leith's back. Mikko could feel his son relax. He leaned his head back and sighed, reaching up to put a hand over his father's. Both men were silent for a few moments, each drawing comfort from the other's presence.
"I don't know what we do next." The voice that could make a person quail in the courtroom was soft, close to Leith's ear. "What is it you want? Do you still want to go to Purdue?"
Leith shrugged, continuing to study the city below. "I want to be with you." He paused a moment. "Since Mason . . . " He swallowed and took a shuddering breath. "Since Mason . . . died. I don't want to be alone. It's like if I'm alone too long, I become afraid you won't come back and I'll be alone forever." Mikko could feel a tremor sweep over his son. "I . . . I can't go to Purdue . . . not without Mason." His voice caught as he started to say more.
"Shhh," Mikko urged, drawing him closer. "I feel the same way, you know. When I'm at work I'm continually thinking about you, wondering where you are, if you're okay." He closed his eyes briefly when Leith squeezed his hand in understanding. "But, we both know we can't be together all the time," he continued. "We each have to work to rebuild our lives without your mother, or Mason."
"How, Dad?" Leith absently watched the world outside the window. It seemed as if he and his father had somehow stepped into a place where time had stopped. There was no sound; the only motion was far below. All that existed was his father, the warmth of their touch, and the feeling of being safe. "When we were alone . . . Mason would hold me like you are now, and things would be all right," Leith said, wistfully. "Mason was always there for me. You and Mom were too, but . . . Mason was different."
"Dad, Mason was more than a brother to me." He swallowed, trying to decide how to tell his father of his relationship with his brother.
"I know, Leith." His father's voice was soothing. "I've known for quite some time what kind of relationship the two of you had. I've always been happy for you both."
"You have?" Leith's body had become stiff with anxiety as he spoke, fearing his father's reaction to the news that he had two gay sons. "Did Mom . . . ?"
"No, I never told your mother," Mikko murmured, close to Leith's ear. He could feel his son's body begin to relax. "I'm glad the two of you found each other. I'm not displeased, and I'd like to think your mother would feel the same way if she knew how much you and your brother meant to each other." Mikko swallowed. "Your mother always believed just as I do, that she had two wonderful sons. I don't think the fact those sons were gay would have changed that opinion at all. The important thing to her would have been that both of her boys were happy."
"Dad, I've tried to not think about Mason and Mom. I . . . "
Mikko gently shushed his son. "Cherish the memories you have of your brother and mother, Leith. Don't try to push those memories aside because they are too painful to bear at the moment. If you've pushed your memories into some dark corner what will you have left of those you love? Remember Mason's voice, his laugh . . . his touch, or your mother's sense of humor, and how she would gently smile as she pushed your hair off of your forehead." Mikko took a ragged breath and hugged his son tighter. "I know you loved Mason as more than a brother. You may not think so right now, but there'll be others you will grow to love, though your brother will always be special because he was the first." There was a long pause. Leith glanced into the window and could see his father's haunted expression before he rested his head in the crook of his son's neck. "Believe me, Leith. I know what I'm talking about."
"I thought I was getting over him, Dad. It's been nearly a year. I've gone to school and worked my summer job sort of like I was in a dream. You know? Like nothing happening to me was really real." Leith bowed his head, "but today in that courtroom it's like it all happened last night." He shuddered. "Will this feeling ever go away?"
Mikko gently turned his son to face him, brushing the hair away from his forehead. "No, the feeling will never go away." Leith bowed his head in disappointment, closing his eyes. "It'll become blunted with time, but it never really disappears," he continued gently, reaching out and drawing his son to him in a loose embrace. "You'll learn to live with death, Leith. Mason's death, and your mother's won't be the only deaths you experience in your life. Each of us feels a terrible emptiness when someone we love has died. When they're gone the only thing left are memories." Mikko rubbed his hands over his son's back as Leith stood quietly. "Derive what happiness you can from those memories, and go on with your life. It's not easy, but that's all we can do. Life isn't an easy thing."
Mikko turned down the bedclothes and stepped to the floor-to-ceiling window of his bedroom, staring unseeing at the city beyond. Leith had already gone to bed and the apartment was quiet. He could hear the soft whir of the air conditioning, but otherwise he was surrounded by absolute silence. Times like this were the most difficult. The silence allowed him to think, and thinking led to the feelings of guilt. It seemed he was surrounded by guilt nowadays, guilt for not having told his wife and son how much he loved them before they drove off, never to return; guilt for the feelings that had developed over the past year for his remaining son; and worst of all, guilt that he didn't feel more devastated by the death of his wife. He tried to isolate those feelings, building a wall around them to keep from being overwhelmed. At times he felt he succeeded, but when he was alone, he realized he was only fooling himself. He leaned his head against the cold glass of the window and sighed, wondering how much more of his life he could possibly wall himself away from. He was doing exactly the thing he had earlier urged his son not to do; push painful memories into a dark corner.
He turned away from the window with a sigh and began to strip, draping his clothes over the back of a chair. He turned out the room's lights and crawled into bed, sitting cross-legged and leaning against the headboard. 'Maybe I'm only wallowing in self-pity,' he thought. 'Others have gone through similar situations, or worse.' Further thoughts were interrupted by the ring of the bedside telephone.
He answered, overjoyed to hear his brother's voice. Mikko answered Joel's questions about the trial and how he and Leith were faring. He asked what the weather in Arizona was like and laughed at the standard reply, "hot as hell." There was a brief pause when neither man knew what to say next.
"Mikko," Joel finally said. "I wish I were there to hold you. You know, like I used to?" Mikko silently nodded with a wistful smile. "You always told me you felt better after being hugged." There was another pause. Mikko could hear one of Joel's children yelling for his mother in the distance. "Does Leith hug you, Mikko?"
"Would you really hug me, Joel? I mean, with Susan and all? I wouldn't want to cause trouble for you. I've seen how she looks at us whenever we're together. She never wants us to be alone together."
"Mikko, you're my little brother. You've suffered a personal tragedy. No one could possibly complain if I held you. Susan'd be okay." He got a teasing tone to his voice. "Now, if the two of us were naked, hard and kissing while we were hugging, her tolerance might be stretched to the limit." He laughed, trying to lighten the mood.
Mikko chuckled at his brother's infectious humor. "That's the problem, Joel. I have to confess something. Since Julie and Mason's death, I've been thinking a lot about the relationship you and I had as we grew up. I've never felt as good as during those years when we would lay in each other's arms." The phone was totally silent. Someone was laughing in the background. "Joel?" The silence continued.
"I've never forgotten those times either, Mikko. I . . . " he paused a moment, then continued. "I've never loved anyone like I love you. I don't think it's possible." The laughing in the background stopped. Mikko could barely hear his brother's footsteps on the hardwood floor of his study. "When I had to leave you to come to Arizona I thought I was gonna die. I was all ready to quit my new job and move back to Michigan to be with you." Mikko could hear his brother sigh and the footsteps stop. "I didn't of course, and both of us created another life for ourselves. I've never regretted having married Susan. I love her just as you loved Julie. I love my children. . . . But, Mikko, they aren't you."
"Joel . . . " Mikko began but was silenced as his brother continued.
"I . . . I don't know how I'd feel if we were to ever get together again. I don't know if I'd feel like I was being unfaithful to Susan. I just don't know. I don't know if things could ever be exactly as they once were between us." There was a burst of laughter in the background. "I didn't feel guilty after that time in the sauna . . . remember?" he asked with a grin in his voice.
"Ohhh, yes," Mikko smiled in recollection. "I'm the one who felt guilty. Because Leith was there," he explained quickly. "It seems I'm feeling guilty about something all the time."
His brother continued speaking as if he hadn't heard. "I didn't feel guilty or unfaithful after the sauna-thing. I don't know how I'd feel if it were an ongoing affair. That's the word, isn't it?" he asked. "Affair. Mikko . . . if anything, I love you more today than when we were in college. I just don't know. Besides, you're in Chicago."
"That could change, Joel."
"Oh, how?"
"My office is thinking of opening a branch there. I've told them I'm interested in moving." There was silence on the other end of the phone. "Joel, everything I see here is too painful. Same is true for Leith. A move would be like starting over for us. A clean slate." He could hear his brother give a gusty sigh.
"Mikko, I've got to be honest with you. On one hand I want to try to renew our relationship. Fuck, I'm hard right now, thinking of holding you! On the other hand, I . . . don't know. Do you understand what I mean? I want it to work, and at the same time I'm afraid it might.
He nodded in the darkness. "I do, yes. Joel, even if we don't ever recapture what we once had, it would be wonderful to be near you again. I love our little brother, but my love for Paavo is not the same as my feelings for you."
"I understand. If you do come to Phoenix, we can . . . try. Neither of us can promise it'll work, but we can try. I . . . want to try, Mikko. I want to have what we once had. Is that okay?"
He leaned his head back against the wall and sighed, smiling the first genuine smile in weeks. "Yes, Joel. We can both try, but no promises on either of our parts, or hard feelings if it doesn't work out. Either way, I'll be with my big brother again."
"I love you, Mikko. More than anyone else in the world. I love you."
"Thank you, Joel. You have no idea how good I'm feeling right now. Hearing your voice is almost as good as touching you. I love you too."
"I know, but we better hang up before we're both teary-eyed." Joel chuckled. "See you soon. "Mina rakastan sinua, pikku veli." (I love you, little brother) The line went dead. Mikko slowly replaced the receiver and sighed in contentment, staring out to the brightly lit buildings of Chicago. He felt warmed that Joel would speak in Finnish. Joel's wife hated when he did, thinking he might be saying something he didn't want her to hear. Susan always had been a suspicious woman, and her husband had always been a little wild. She probably had reason to view his actions with uncertainty. Mikko smiled broadly, not caring about exactly what his brother's wife thought. He felt a flush of anticipation, remembering Joel's broad warm hands caressing the length of his back before they moved tenderly over his buttocks, cupping each cheek while the two of them would kiss. Maybe things would work out after all. He laid back, pulling the blanket up to his chin and tried to go to sleep. He must have drifted off because he was awakened by a soft knock on the bedroom door and the sound of his son's voice.
"Dad?"
Mikko propped himself up on one elbow, blinking. "Leith?" The door opened and he saw his son, a black silhouette against the lights of the city coming through the living room window. He was surprised at how broad his son's shoulders had become, and how his chest tapered to narrow waist and hips. Leith had one hand on the door frame. His hair appeared to be spiked from sleep. He didn't move.
"I can't sleep. Am I too old to sleep with you?" Mikko remembered the exact same words spoken when Leith was six. "Will you hold me . . . just for tonight?"
"You'll never be too old for me to hold you, Leith," he said, sitting up. "Just a moment; I'll put on some underwear. I'm naked." Mikko threw back the covers and moved to sit on the edge of the bed.
Leith closed the door and approached the opposite side of the bed, the only light in the room coming from the thousands of still-illuminated office windows in the distance. "Dad, I don't care about you being nude, I am too." Mikko froze in place. "I just want my father to hold me. If you do, maybe I can go to sleep."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure." Leith continued to stand at the side of the bed, waiting for permission. When his father had laid down, Leith climbed in beside him, grabbing the blanket and pulling it over them both. Mikko turned on his side facing away from his son, lying still as Leith snuggled close, draping one arm over his chest and pulling himself closer. Leith sighed and ran his fingers through the hair on Mikko's chest in an idle caress. Mikko quickly reached up and held his son's hand still, closing his eyes and biting his lower lip in frustration. He could feel each breath Leith took, as well as his son's pubes and flaccid penis, pressed against his buttocks.
Leith inhaled deeply in contentment and sighed once again. "Thank you, Dad." He kissed his father's shoulder. "I love you."
'When did Leith's voice become so rich and soft?' Mikko wondered as he lay still trying to breathe normally, willing himself to not have an erection. "I love you too, Leith." His son hummed in a sense of contentment. Mikko could imagine his smile. Eventually, he felt the boy relax and his breathing slow to an even rhythm against the back of his neck. 'I love you too, Leith. Ohhhh, how I love you.'
~ To be continued ~
As with my earlier story, 'Phalen,' (Nifty College Section) I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my work. I would also like to thank Carey for his ceaseless efforts to make me a better writer, Gwynne for her daily doses of humor and her insights into the characters, and Larry in Finland for helping me with the Finnish language and for being a good friend. Writing may be a solitary endeavor, but the thoughts of each of these people, as well as you, the story's readers, affect the story's course.
I always welcome email from readers and enjoy hearing your thoughts. If you would like me to send a pic of the character(s) please email me.
NOTE: This story happens during the same period of time as the 'Phalen' story. As 'Phalen' ends, the two story's timelines will coincide and this story will take over. Confused? I hope not.
Thanks for reading.
Roy roynm@mac.com