Chapter Five: Dreams
Justin was standing all alone in his room looking out the window; for once it was a bright sunny day, no clouds in the sky, birds singing and no Drew, it sucked. Justin flopped down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. He ran his fingers gently across his lips stirring the memory of the kiss in his mind, that kiss was so amazing, even if it had only lasted a moment.
"Why" Justin spoke softly. He closed his eyes and brought back the memory.
"I will always be there for you, whenever you need me." Drew leaned in and gave Justin a light kiss on the lips; they were so soft, so sweet...
Justin was shocked but couldn't control himself; he leaned into the kiss wanting it to last a moment longer, just a few more seconds, anything to be this close to Drew. Those lips were so welcoming, moist and smooth, like silk. `I love you Drew' He thought to himself, his mind collapsing from the sheer joy of this moment.
"Drew..." He whispered as the slowly separated.
"I'm sorry...I just had to be sure." Drew replied as he turned to walk away.
"Be sure of what?! Drew!" Justin screamed as Drew disappeared into the vast gray blanket of mist, the only sound; footsteps spattering water on the ground, and even that disappeared after a short while.
Justin sat up and took a quick look around his room before walking over to his CD player and inserting his favorite techno mix. Having played it so much, he knew where every song was and skipped it ahead to "Angels Crying" and turned the volume up as loud as he could.
"Why? Why would you kiss me and then leave? Why would you say you had to be sure without telling me that either? Why? Why? Why damnit?" He was angry again, the music borrowing into his mind, making him feel sick to his stomach and weak. He stumbled back to is bed and fell face-first into the pillows.
Justin must have fell asleep because the next thing he knew he was laying face-up on his bed, with someone standing over him.
"I see you're as lazy as ever" The girl said.
Justin was startled and jumped off the bed, almost slamming into the wall. "Morgan!" He yelled as he regained his balance.
"Justin..." She said calmly as she took a seat on the edge of the bed. Her long red hair was draped behind her in a ponytail, and her greenish-yellow eyes stared at him through the `nerd glasses'.
"What are you doing here?" He said as he walked closer to her. "I thought you would be in University by now"
"The semester has ended, I don't go back for another two months" She replied, pulling him down beside her. "So I hear things with you and Drew aren't going well"
"No, they --- wait, how could you know this?" Justin questioned her.
"Your mom, your dad and you haven't emailed me in four weeks" she said as she gripped his ear and pinched as hard as she could, sending Justin to the floor on his knees begging for mercy.
"Ow! Ok ok! I get the message, have mercy for gods sake!" He pleaded.
She released her grip and allowed him to regain himself before asking him what was wrong.
Justin wearily took a seat beside her again, he loved Morgan with all his heart, she had always been there for him, hell, they had been friends for almost fifteen years. He looked at her not as a friend, but as a sister. No, that didn't quite describe it... Morgan was a part of him, like a conscience or a twin, whatever it was; she was here and truly concerned about him.
"Drew kissed me yesterday." He sighed.
"And...that a bad thing why?" She responded, cocking her head to the side.
"Because he didn't kiss me to show me affection, he kissed me to `be sure'" Justin continued.
" Be sure of what?"
"If I knew, I'd tell you... all I know is he kissed me, said he had to be sure and then walked off into the rain, leaving me there hanging by a string"
"Oh hunny!" She moved in and gave him a hug; though unresponsive she knew that Justin appreciated the gesture.
"So when did you get here? How did you find this place?" He asked, still in her embrace.
"I got here about six this morning and got directions from your mom the night before. I asked her not to say anything because I wanted this to be a surprise."
"And what a surprise!" Justin said giving a weak laugh.
"I'm here for a while too, and as you are suspended..." She gentle rubbed her finger over his chest innocently; "You can show me around this new town of yours"
Justin looked down at her awkwardly and shook his head. "Your not here to see the sights. I can bet almost everything I own that you just want to scope out men"
She winked at him and smiled, "As I said, show me around the town."
Drew was laying in his room, it was dark and dingy, the walls covered in posters of women and cars, photos of his friends and other knick-knacks. He looked depressed and exhausted, and with good reason. Drew hadn't slept all night; instead he had stay up thinking about the kiss he gave Justin.
"I'm not gay Justin, But I in some way, love you," He said staring at his one and only picture of Justin, taken a few days after they met. He remembered that day well; Joe had brought her camera to get some more group photos and had snuck up on both of them during lunch and snapped a picture. It was amazing how easily Joe had taken a shine to Justin, how everyone, minus Matt had. "Why do I feel this way?" He said, still staring into the picture.
"Because you're a good man, Drew" His mother said as she walked into his room.
"Were you spying on me?" He asked in an annoyed tone of voice.
"No, I just barge in and tell you what I think, remember" She smiled at him as he sat up. "You don't have to be gay to love another man. You simply love him because he is someone you've grown fond of." She paused for a moment and thought, "Dear, you have to understand that your feelings for him come from your desire to protect him"
"But he doesn't even want that" Drew said sternly.
"Yes, he does. He cant admit it, but he longs for you to stand up for him, to be there to help him" She turned to her son and rested a hand on his leg. "You may not love him the way he loves you, but that doesn't hinder your ability to be a friend to him."
Drew tried to join his thoughts into one coherent message that he could relay to his mother, but he couldn't. His mind was swarming with things he wanted to do and say, creating situations and yet, nothing was clear to him. His mother just gave him a light pat on the leg and strode out of the room as quickly as she came in.
The dark void surrounded him and he was officially lost. It was too dark to see anything; even his own hands seemed distant, even though he knew they were less then a foot away from his face. Slowly he crept forward into the night, hoping to find a path that would lead him back home. "Well, I like to draw and write" He heard in the distance.
"Justin?!" Drew called out.
"I cant, my parents are expecting me to unpack some of my boxes tonight" The voice continued.
"Just me mom, oh, and a friend from school."
"Forty-two actually...but who's counting?"
"Shouldn't you attempt it on your own first?"
"Does this make you uncomfortable? If so, I can teach you another way, but it's a little more time consuming,"
God, why were all these memories playing back? Drew fell to his knees and listened to everything around him. Justin was everywhere, so was Joanne and all his other friends, memories were bombarding him yet, all he hear were voices, never once did he see a picture, as if someone merely recorded everything.
The void began to break and light slowly illuminated this universe of chaos; revealing a barren desert graveyard with no visible sign of life other then himself. Drew began to feel the heat of the sun coming down on him hard and he began to choke on the heavy air. His vision became blurred and he fell to the ground he looked around and was mortified when he saw Justin standing there looking down at him. "I just had to be sure," He said sardonically before turning and walking away.
"Jus^×" Drew said as his eyes forcefully shut.
Drew awoke dazed and in a cold eerie sweat, his eyes were insipid and the hair all over his body stood on end and breathing deeply, still choking on the heavy air. "Is that what it felt like for him?" He said as he tried to regain his breath.
Drew jumped from his bed in his boxer briefs and paced around his room, he was overcome with anxiety, shame and incongruity about the dream and how he had treated Justin.
Justin was sitting at his computer typing away as usual while Morgan lay asleep on his bed, he had to write something, and this whole mess was tearing his sanity apart.
"Rain"
The light pedals of heavenly tears flow across your face
And yet I hear you quicken you pace
I know you felt something when we kissed
It's not something that you can just miss
In our silence we hide the loudest of secrets in our heart
It feels as if you'd do anything to tear that apart
I have reached out once again, or something special
Rested my head, was held close, and nestled
A eulogy to myself I buried deep
For all this pain I gave there's just one thing we can keep
When we walk in the rain.
By: Justin Ellis.
Justin looked a the poem for a moment, reading it again and feeling the same feelings that washed over him a thousand times before, he held the Ctrl button and pressed the `s' key, saving his work to his poetry folder.
"More of my heart wasted" he sighed.
"It's not your fault Justin" Morgan said sleepily wiping her eyes.
"Why does it feel that way?" He asked, not turning to face her
"Because your love is so strong, that when you're broken, it kills you inside. You let yourself be taken over by regret, you believe everything is your fault"
"None of this would have happened had I just left my art at home, hid it."
"That's probably true," She said softly, giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"You really aren't helping me," He replied scornfully.
"I know, but it's about damn time someone kicked reality back into that mind of yours."
"Why you?" He asked, looking at her shadowy figure in the night.
"Because I'm your friend." A simple reply, he should have expected. "Now listen, get over this whole mental complex of yours and go out there and find him. Tell him how you feel, not just that you love him, but how you felt when he kissed you, when he left you, etc. Then, you two go get some coffee, talk it all out and come to an understanding. For gods sake Justin if you keep this up you'll suffer another mental breakdown"
"It's not that easy though!" he replied, not believe his lie for a second.
"Why not? Huh?"
"I uh, it's just that..."
"Well?"
"Ok, fine, it is that simple. I'm just afraid to face him now"
"Ten bucks says he'll be more afraid to talk to you then you to him, after all, he kissed you" Morgan stretched before laying back down on the bed, "Now get some rest!" She said throwing a pillow at Justin, hitting him in the back of the head.
"Alright, I'll go talk with him tomorrow, and see what happens, ok?" He said as he plopped down beside her.
"Ok, good" Morgan whispered as she began to drift back to sleep.
Tomorrow' Justin thought. Must speak with Drew...' Justin yawned and took one last look at the monitor, at his poem before closing his eyes and drifting to sleep.
Matt sat at the kitchen table of his house and stared out the window, plotting a way to get revenge on Justin for getting him suspended, and a way to get back at Drew for betraying his trust. They were friends and this is how he was repaid? They would both get exactly what was coming to them; that was for certain. He tapped his fist lightly against the wooden table and looked out into the blackness of the night gritting his teeth. A small bottle that rested on its side rolled gently across the table until it met the edge and fell to the floor with a light `ting' sound, the top popped open and spilled pills over the floor. Matt looked down at the mess but didn't move, he just eyed the pills and sank back into his thoughts.
Wow, even I didnt know how this chapter would come to a close... Definately the result of having no prior template / idea of what I was going to do, and Im very sure you can look forward to similar endings in future. If thats a good thing, im not sure.
Darren