Chapter 9: Journals
Entry: 113 Title: All From Deep Inside Mood: Distracted
What an eventful few days it has been for me. On Sunday after the report on Matt was finalized and he was moved to the morgue until the funeral, I got a call from his parents once again, apparently they have been calling everyone and spreading lies. Not that I care much what they have to think. Matt got what he deserved for taking actions, am I sad he's gone? Not really, I think it was a waste for him to have died, but he got himself into that position.
It's funny, every time I replay that moment back in my mind I come to the same conclusion; there was no other way for this to end, no, Matt was stuck in his ways and over-dosed on his medication. It's a wonder he didn't die from that!
I'm very curious to know what taking thirty-two pills is like. How did he feel inside, was it painful or mercifully pleasant?
I haven't been invited to the funeral, and am banned from seeing the body in accordance with Matt's parents request. Though he may have been a disturbed individual, I still wanted to pay my respects.
School was hell to. So many rumors floating around like icebergs, everywhere I turn I'm crashing into some new story about the incident. "Did you hear, Justin pulled the trigger" or "I heard Drew shot Matt" Its all bullshit, every word, Stupid people and their obsessive need for attention. They act like it's nothing when in reality it was a very disturbing moment to have to deal with.
On top of all the shit at school, I have to sit there all day and continue to do my work and pretend like nothing is bothering me. I still have to complete my assignments and interact with everyone. All I really want to do right now is go home and sleep a little until I feel I am ready to return to the world of social interacting.
After school though, I simply go home and stay in my room all night. Mom doesn't bother me, she knows I need the time alone to think and work it out. Dad hasn't been home much in the past few days and the only visitor I had was a police officer to get a final statement from me. How exhilarating.
In other news, I have been procrastinating on a project I was assigned. I'm relatively sure if I leave it where it is, it will complete itself on time and hand itself in for me. But there is only one way to test this theory and I'm not sure if I'm really ready to experiment with that.
So here I sit, writing in my journal wondering what life will throw at me next. It's so not fair.
Well I must go, thank you to my loyal readers, I love you all. -Drew
Drew leaned back and took a long stretch, his hands clenched and pulled above and behind his head. The muscles on his body glimmered slightly as light struck them from the window at his side.
Entry: 008 Title: Drowning Reality . . . Mood: Sad
I know I haven't made many entries, but can you blame me with all the shit that has been happening? Matt seriously needed help, something I'm not sure anyone could provide while he was dosed to the eyes on...whatever his medication was.
Mom and Dad have been getting phone calls late at night, the people calling just hang up and call back every few hours, so we have to change our phone number and make sure it unlisted. I know who it is; though I cant prove it. Its Matt's parents and this is their revenge, keeping us awake all hours of the night.
Morgan, for the time has gone back to her place to stay. I think she really left to get more of her things, slowly working her way into this house until she's living with us. Then again... I don't doubt that at all given mom's secrecy lately. What are they plotting!?
Speaking of Morgan, She dyed her hair before she left. It's not black... like... night black and its scary. It makes her look like some cracked-out gothic whore. But then again, she likes it, so who am I to interfere? Ok, ok, I'll tell her it sucks when she gets back, and prepare to have my head smashed off something. Haha.
I'm finally letting go of Drew. I see now that I really don't have any chance with him. I love him to death but he just isn't gay and I must learn to accept that and move on. But its not all bad, we're still friends and I think we've become closer since the incident. What more can I ask for then two loyal friends looking out for me and standing at my side? I know I couldn't have made it this far without Morgan, she really did hold me up when I just didn't want to go on anymore. And Drew, I can't see my life without him now. Lover or not, He is someone I will always remember.
I really am amazed at how far I have come in these past few years. I slipped into depression, only to be tossed from place to place, put on medication after medication and all it really took was me just letting it all go, letting my feelings burst from me and setting the darkness that inhabited my soul lose. I let my heart feel something again and wasn't disappointed to find out the world wasn't as bad as I had once thought. But when everyday you die a little more inside, you usually can't see the light. Morgan was there through it all, and I can't thank her enough, ever. I can't believe the shit I put her through when I was in one of my really bad moods. Heh, then again, that's what friends are for, no?
Oh, I have to tell you. There is a new guy at school. He is uber cute but so lonely. As far as I know his name is Nathaniel, Nate for short. He isn't very talkative but then again, he is new to our school.
The day he first arrived was interesting. I was in the cafeteria at lunch time and had just finished buying my lunch, and the room was looking at me and Drew, shifting back and forth with those friggin rumors. It made me so angry that people would think that I killed someone, so needless to say we weren't exactly welcome at a table, but there he sat, his curly red hair hanging down to his shoulders, alone in the corner table trying so hard to blend in with the wall. [btw: wearing a black shirt against a white wall doesn't blend well] So I gave Drew a look, using my eyes to point in the direction of Nate.
We really didn't have anywheres else to sit so we walked over to the table and stood there for a moment. He looked up at us in the worst possible face a guy like him should have, and sighed.
"Do you want me to move?" He asked. It was polite, but already filled with disappointment.
"No, actually we just wanted to sit with you, is that ok?" I was trying to sound reassuring but I'm not sure it worked.
He was kind enough to let us sit and so I started up a conversation to break the ice. I mean, I know what its like to go to a new school, I had gone to quite a few before moving to this area. I started out with the basics, I told him my name, and introduced Drew. After getting his name that suited him well, I began to ask about him, and a very interesting person he is. He likes novels, preferably horror novels, writing and swimming, he won a few medals for his old school and was even a lifeguard for the local pool.
[I didn't mention that he was tall and skinny to the eyes did I? But he did have some muscle definition so he didn't look anorexic]
I'm really not sure how it all came about but we got on the topic of sexuality and I told him I was gay. Morgan learned the hard way to not ask how I get started on conversations... like the time in my old school when I started talking about circumcision during lunch. But that's another story for another time, back to Nate. Come to find out, Nate is gay as well, thank god, he's just what I needed to get my mind off Drew... oh god... Drew in that towel was so hot. Damnit, Nate doesn't seem to be doing his job.
Then I had to explain why Drew and I were getting looks from everyone. Not fun, I think we scared him. Drew had a blast showing off the wound... yeah, for some reason that just doesn't impress me... sorry Drew! He's fine with it now, I think. Anyways. Nate seemed to be happy to have some people to talk to and I'm not going to take that away from him anytime soon. 1. I like him. 2. He's gay. What more could I ask for?!
This is all I can think of for this entry. Thanks for reading.
With all this hectic events happening it seems my life has been turned upside down once again, oh well, as we all know, my life starts again...
-Justin-
Dear Diary,
My mission is complete. I have once again saved Justin's life from... Justin...I swear if that boy had a clue in his head he'd just drug Drew and do him right then and there, that's one fine piece of man there. Haha. I'm only kidding.
It surprises me that Justin wasn't in some way able to win Drew over for even a one night-er! Oh well, Justin seems to be happy and at the very least that means something to me. I will be returning to his area soon, I am actually finished university completely and have decided to move into town, I have an apartment arranged and everything. But it's a big surprise for Justin, I didn't want him to know until I was all moved in.
I also don't want to let him know how I feel about Drew. He is a very...intriguing individual if I ever met one. That and he's not a perverted asshole out to get in my pants.
Damn I'm out of time; the bus is arriving at the station.
Thanks again Diary, you never fail to listen to my banter.
Morgan.
Title: New Day! Mood: Confused
Today was an interesting day for me. It was my first day at the new school in this crummy town, though I really cant complain, two guys did sit with me and talked to me, that's more then I'm used to.
From what they have told me, Justin, the smaller, cute one is gay. He seems to be very nice and honest, if not a little distracted, I figure It's because he likes the other guy, Drew. I can certainly understand why he would like Drew like that; he's hot, nice body and has no problem with gay people. Its rare to find someone like him.
To be honest, I really like Justin, there's just something about him that draws me to him, makes me want to be closer, and for once, makes me want to come out. I would give almost anything to be free like that, he must really enjoy being out and care free.
Mom and dad are at it again, going on about my sexuality as if it's the biggest thing on the planet, but then again when I came out to them they were less than pleased with me. Mom flew into tears and dad got angry and left the room. Oh yeah, that went over SO well... They still wont talk about it...and dinners have been quiet since I did tell them, they both look down at their plates and don't say a word. I wish I hadn't told them at least, I mean, I love them and all but they are just too... too... close-minded.
Drew showed me a scar he has from being shot a few days ago, its pretty cool, and gross at the same time. Justin just sat there with his head propped up on his arm shaking his head and rolling his eyes slightly. Haha. But I must admit that it really wasn't that impressive, though I played along for Drew's sake... didn't want to appear rude.
Classes' suck here, I am in Calculus, Food Science, Biology 12 and have a Spare. None of my classes, nor my spare are with Justin and Drew. Though I don't need Calculus to graduate so I will drop that so I can hang around them, assuming that they will allow me to.
I'm kind of afraid that they really don't want to be my friend, and that the only reason they sat and talked with me is because the rest of the school is spreading rumors about them... Though a part of me can only be led to believe that they DO want me around and would like to spend time with me.
Argh! Mom and dad are sending their vocals through the roof; the neighbors could even hear this... if we had neighbors' close-by. I suppose I'll just crank my music and drown them out as usual.
That's one thing I cant complain about, they don't seem to care how loud my music is unless they're in or going to bed. What CD should I listen to? I know! Basement Jaxx. Hard to tell I'm gay isn't it? lol
I should be going now, I'm tired and frankly just want to lose myself in my music, it seems to be the only thing that can touch my soul in this house. I swear if I stay here much longer I'll die so much inside there will be nothing left of `me' when I do leave home. Then again, its grad-year so I can leave as soon as my diploma is in hand.
Later everyone, Nate
Comment 01:
Hey Nate! Don't sweat it, I'm sure everything will work out for you! Love always,
Katie
Comment 02:
Hi Hunny!
I'm glad to see that you wrote me, but I have to disagree, things aren't going to work out, not in this home, not now, not ever. I wish my parents would just divorce already and save themselves any more agony.
Nate
Comment 03:
You just need to sack that Justin guy. lol
-Katie
Comment 04:
Haha funny.
Nate