Hello everyone! Like I said last time, the holiday weekend has put me behind schedule, but here I am, ready to give you another chapter. I didn't forget you all!
I understand that many of you were bored or lost with the last chapter. That's alright, I hope. I wanted to do something different, and did. Another purely descriptive chapter probably won't happen for a long time, so don't worry your heads over it!
Disclaimer: I have no knowledge of NSYNC, anyone affiliated with them, or any other celebrities that may appear here. This is a work of fiction, so any mention of sexual orientations/habits or personalities are made up by me! If you are offended by stories about relationships between men, or are too young to legally read such things, please leave.
A Light in the Tunnel
Chapter 21
Traveling in the newly refurbished bus changed the entire trip from Indianapolis to Detroit. Though normally relaxed in their private enclave, the singers were now more so, lolling in the luxuries now available to them. A calm had fallen over them, a serenity usually available only back in Orlando. No one felt the pressures of fame as they lounged on the couches or played cards at the table. It was, like never before, a home. And, with simple smiles, they thanked Burke for making it so.
That pervasive peace, however, didn't possess everyone. He didn't act any different, but Burke withdrew into his private thoughts as he worked on the newspaper crossword. His attention was torn between the words to be placed within the grid, and what took place at the hotel a few mornings past. His brain, with its cold logic, told him Josh's body was responding to natural rhythms, just as his did, but his heart had problems accepting that. No, he had not done anything overtly provocative. But had he sent some unspoken gesture? Some sign that he was just being coy? He looked over every word and deed the night before. He had been passionate in his kisses, honest with his embraces. Would he have slept with Josh had it come to that? Yes, he admitted. But, luckily, his boyfriend had not asked for such a thing, even going as far as to discourage it. Burke had been silently thankful for that reprieve. He wanted to love Josh, to love him with every fiber of his being, but not to confuse that with carnal pleasure. Sex would come in its own time, but that time had not arrived yet. Yet, as much as he wished to deny it, there was a simple, horrifying truth. The thought that Josh's body was responding to him thrilled Burke. He was honored that this man, who could have any of a million people, wanted him. He loved looking at Josh, seeing the beauty and power in his soft skin and firm muscles. That, in itself, was the root of his conflict. How could he fear leading Josh on, but still be excited by it? The answer was also that basic. Living with his mother, he had been told one thing, over and over. To be gay meant hopping from bed to bed, having no connections stronger than a momentary bliss. Love was not in that picture. Though he tried to ignore the sad woman and her misguided judgments, he couldn't shake that. He didn't want to be someone only interested in selfish pleasure. He didn't want to have, or be, a plaything tossed aside with the dawn of a new day. He wanted to wake up every morning with Josh beside him, to know a love so great it could rearrange the stars.
Burke sat glumly, brooding over his torn feelings. He could easily imagine touching Josh, and being touched by him, but wondered how things would be when their bodies' cravings were sated. Could he stand to look at his boyfriend, or anyone else, if lust won out over the love he so desperately wanted? Looking over the top of his folded newspaper, he looked at Justin. There was no denying that he was handsome, one would have to be blind to say otherwise. He was laying on the floor, his long, toned legs sprawled negligently. He could see the singer's back muscles flexing and twisting beneath his tight shirt as he played a video game, and the bulge of his shoulders while holding himself up. Was Justin attractive? Yes. Could he envision them in the throes of passion? No. There was no stirring in his groin as he gazed upon the blond heartthrob, only the flutters of brotherly love. Burke repeated his observations on the others. He could find a quality about each that he liked: the thick muscle of Joe's arms, the dazzling shade of Lance's eyes. He found however, no sign of that in Chris, the tiniest thought of sex with the man making him nauseous. Chris was his father, and the idea disturbed him. But Josh was another story. Burke watched him intently, lost in the way his lips silently mouthed the words of the magazine he read. He had kissed those lips, and would do so again gladly. But was that physical longing, the tense yearning of his teenage hormones, a sure sign that he was a his mother predicted? Would Josh still love him after they had shared that intimacy? Would he still love Josh?
"Got one you can't figure out, little man?"
Burke's attention snapped back to find Joey staring at him. "Huh?"
"You looked like you were thinking pretty hard, so I figured you were stuck on one of the words."
"No, just spaced out for a minute."
"You ok?"
"Yeah, Joe. Just fine."
"Guys, a special guest will be coming to your show tonight," Richard explained as he gave them the day's schedule. "I've been asked not to say who, only that it is a friend." "Oh, come on, Rich!" Justin whined. "I'm not going to be able to concentrate with a surprise hanging over me!" "Then you're going to have suffer. A secret is a secret. Any questions about the schedule?" The singers shook their heads. "Alright then. Off to work." "What are you going to do this morning, bro?" "I don't know. Maybe grab Warren and go see the sights. I don't really feel like doing much." "The touring finally catching up to you?" "I guess, Lance. I'm tired today. Maybe I'll just stick around here and find something to keep myself busy." Burke sat in the upper tier of seats in the arena, thinking about his recent conflict and things he had begun to notice about his little family. Being NSYNC was their job, and he understood all the time they devoted to that. But there were moments that he felt confused, unable to reconcile the performers with the men he loved so dearly. The people wowing crowds were not the same he woke up to every morning. He felt like a baby, like a school kid trying to monopolize his best friend. His only assurance was that the personas he knew were the true, unfiltered Justin, Chris, Joey, Lance, and Josh. He got all of them, not just the public smiles. "You know it's a bad day when a cute, young guy like you looks so down," a light, trilling voice spoke. Not having heard anyone coming up behind him, Burke jumped to his feet with a startled yelp. "Sorry about that. I didn't mean to scare you." It took no time at all for him to recognize the woman making her way down the aisle. "Uh, hi," he stammered nervously. "Hi to you too!" she smiled. "I'm not bothering you, am I?" "No ma'am, not at all." "Ma'am! How cute! I was hiding out from the guys, and saw you sitting all by yourself way up here, so I thought I'd come up. You're Burke, right?" He nodded stupidly. "I thought so. It's so great to meet you! Justin and Lynn have told me so much about you!" "It's nice to meet you too, Miss Spears." "Oh, please call me Brit. Miss Spears makes me feel old. What are you doing all the way up here?" "Just thinking and trying to keep out of the way." "We can keep each other busy, if you want. I know I'm bored just sitting in the back." "Oh wow! Uh--I mean, sure. That would be nice." "Come on, we'll go get a soda or something." "Alright, just let me get Warren." Burke, still star struck, slowly sipped his soda, every now and then taking the opportunity to admire his companion. He knew he was being silly, but couldn't help it. He had to constantly remind himself that he spent every day in the presence of celebrities, and that the woman across the table was just a normal person with an incredible job. "You're awfully quiet over there, Burke. Something wrong?" "No, ma'am--er--Britney. Just trying not to sound or act like an obsessed fan. It took me a little bit to get used to the guys too, so please forgive me." "No problem. I know what you mean. When I met Madonna, I was like, 'Duh!' We all have people we look up to, so it's natural to feel strange around them. Actually, I had to work up the courage to come talk to you earlier." Burke's jaw dropped. "Me? Why?" "Because of all the things that Just has told me, it was sort of like walking up to a God or something. He talks about you like you're the greatest thing since chocolate!" The boy blushed. "He's my big brother. I love him." "I know what you mean since I feel the same way. Justin is a great guy. They're all great, but Justin has a special place in my heart." She sighed, then waved her hand in the air as if driving off a fly. "Listen to me rattling on. I really wanted to get to know you. So, Mr. Burke Kirkpatrick, tell me about yourself. And I want to hear everything." He smiled evilly. "Are you sure? It's been a long road to where I am now.""Just to let you know, Old Man, but Burke is back. I saw him and your mystery guest drop a load of shopping bags off at the bus a few minutes ago." Darius snickered at Chris' relieved expression. He knew his son had left with someone, but was a little worried that he wasn't back yet.
"Shopping!" Justin huffed. "Burke's my shopping bud! I let the mom squad borrow him every now and then, but I've got dibs! There's no way I'm going to be replaced!"
"No one could ever replace you big brother," Burke chuckled, "so stop pouting. Besides, I was little more than a lackey."
"Except you got that cute shirt out of the deal!"
Justin jumped up at the new voice, and dashed across the room. "Brit!" He picked the woman up and spun her in a circle. "It's great to see you! Why didn't you tell me you were coming?"
"A girl's got to have some secrets, Justin!" she laughed as her feet hit the floor and she pushed her hair out of her face.
"Just so you know, Miss Charge It, Burke is mine. You keep your platinum card away from him!"
"But, Justin! How can I go shopping without a handsome guy on my arm? You know, they are the perfect accessory!" They playfully battled back and forth, each trying to assert their claim on Burke.
"Makes you feel loved, don't it?" Chris giggled to his son.
"Something like that. Have a good day?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Once I got over the whole 'Britney Spears' thing. It was the same when I first met you all. Then the whole idea was shattered."
"Our down to earth personalities?"
"Nope, hearing Lance burp!"
"So, Brit," Joe called out, tired of listening to them argue, "what are you doing here? Not that we mind at all."
"I'm on my way to New York, and thought I'd take a little detour. I haven't seen y'all in forever." Burke snickered as she lapsed into a soft drawl. "What?"
"Y'all! I purposely stopped saying that before I moved to Florida. I figured the guys would give me a hard time about it."
"They would," Lance averred. "They pretty much teased it out of me."
"I say y'all, but then I'm cute enough to get away with it," Justin beamed.
"In your dreams Curly!"
"I'm cute enough, right Brit?"
"Definitely."
"Burke?"
"I suppose," he muttered sarcastically, "but you're not really my type."
"For which I whole-heartedly thank you," Josh grinned, making Burke blush.
"Aha!" Britney squealed. "I knew there was something you were leaving out! Ooh! I'm so happy for the two of you! Any wedding bells yet?"
"Why is it that when a girl hears about a couple, she automatically starts thinking about marriage?" Joey's joking question saved both Josh and Burke from blubbering.
"How long are you staying?"
"I'm off to the airport as soon as your show is over. A promotional appearance at one of the TV networks. If I thought you'd let me, I'd steal Burke for a couple of days. New York would be so much more fun with him there, and I'd get to do a duet with him! Why haven't y'all convinced him to get up on stage with you?"
"He refuses to sing with us," Chris mockingly glared.
"Then he has good taste. We sang together all the way to the mall and back."
"Oh, he'll sing in the car and stuff-"
"He's going to be my opening act when I go on tour again. Aren't you, Burke?"
"Of course!" He stuck his tongue out at his family.
"Traitor!" Joey bellowed.
"So did you have fun hanging out with Brit?" "Yeah. She's so funny. Plus she knows lots of stories I haven't heard yet." Lance groaned. "That sounds a lot like blackmail." Burke chuckled, trying his hardest to sound like a villain from an old movie. "Maybe. She told me about a certain singer, who shall, for now, remain nameless, who tried to get his ear pierced, but threw up when they got the gun within ten feet of him." "I did not!" Josh yelled, defending himself. "I just decided not to get an earring!" "Did I say it was you, Joshua?" The man grinned, realizing he had walked into the trap. "She also told me that someone's cornrows were the result of having a big chunk of hair cut out since he fell asleep with gum in him mouth." "That was a Curly Classic!" Joey chuckled. "You ought to have seen his face when he realized it was stuck in his hair!" Justin opened his mouth to retort, but Lance cut him off. "It's time for sleep, guys. I don't want to have to put up with grumpy people all day tomorrow." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Hey, Joe. Whatcha reading?" The Italian singer looked up from the piece of paper in his hands. "I found this. I think it must have fallen out of Burke's notebook." He handed it to Chris. It took only a moment to read through the lines. "It's Burke's handwriting. We probably shouldn't have read this. He likes his privacy." "I know, dude. I didn't mean to snoop or anything. It's a little sad." He pointed to the paper. "I know he's been thinking about something for the last few days. Do you think this is his way of getting it out?" Chris scowled, looking over the half written poem again. "Maybe, but if it is, I want to have a talk with him. This is serious." "He'll talk if he needs to, Chris. If not to you, then one of us." "What are you guys talking about?" Lance asked, joining them at the table. "This. Burke accidentally left it out. What do you think?" "I think it says a lot," he replied after reading it. "He's been mulling over some things lately. I don't know what, but I'm willing to bet this is the result of it. Knowing Burke, there's more to this than it seems." "Dammit!" Chris muttered. "What?" "Things have been going so well. Why can't they just stay that way? I want him to be happy, but something always comes up to ruin that. I just get mad because I love him so much. Why can't things just go right?" "Why don't you just talk to him, Chris? I know he may not want to, but it's not good to keep feelings like this bottled up inside. Who knows? Maybe there isn't anything to talk about. It could've been a fleeting thing, but you should find out." "If Josh has done something, I'll-" "Don't do that, dude. All we have is a poem none of us know the meaning of. It could be about his mom for all we know. Don't start making assumptions." Chris nodded, and took the paper back to the lounge. He asked Justin and JC for some privacy, then sat down by Burke. "Son, can we talk for a minute?" "Sure, dad. What's up?" "I want to know if something is bothering you. You know you can talk to me about anything, don't you?" "Yeah. Why?" Chris laid Burke's poem on the couch. "Joe found this up front. He didn't mean to read it, but he did, and he showed it to me. I'm sorry if it seems like I was snooping into your stuff." "It's alright. I was just thinking about some stuff and this came out of that." "Like what? I'll respect your privacy if you want, but I'd like to know if there is something wrong. It's the only way I can make it better. This is about Josh, right?" "Only a little bit. It's about all of you actually." Burke closed his eyes and recited the lines from memory. There are times, When I long for morning's light. And there are times, I hope you never say goodbye. And I know my heart will break, When you walk through that door. But the next time I promise, I won't love you anymore. The shadows leave, I know you're gone. I can hear the silence ring. Your heart belongs to another, And my love don't mean a thing. I know the deal, I have your nights. Another has your days. I'm the dream left at daybreak, But can't hate you anyway. Chris sniffled as he son took a few measured breaths. "That's beautiful, Burke, but I don't understand. What's that got to do with us?" "When I wrote this, I was thinking about you guys. I get one part of you, but your fans get completely different people. Sometimes it hurts because I know you have to be these super awesome pop stars, and when you are being that, my dad and brothers aren't there." "Oh God, Burke. I didn't realize it was like that! I'm so sorry. I never meant for you to feel shut out or anything." Burke laid his hand on his father's arm. "I don't, dad. I realized something after I wrote that. Your fans get NSYNC, but I get the real men. Remember when I said that Lance burping ruined my illusions of you all? That was true. Lance Bass, the celebrity, would never burp, just like Joey Fatone doesn't snore. We both know that isn't true. I've seen the real Justin when he first wakes up in the morning, and that isn't the same person the fans see. Understand what I'm talking about?" "I guess so. It's the same way with your relationship with Josh. When he's in public, he's charming, single, and straight, but when he's around us, he's the guy who loves you." "Yeah." "I see why that bothers you. But like you said, you get the real Josh. I bet, if you ask him, he'll say that's one of the reasons he loves you. There's no pretending to be someone else. You let him be the real Josh. You let all of us be ourselves. I'm sure you don't know how much that means to us." Burke snickered. "Next time you feel like being yourselves, remind me not to let you all eat a whole bunch of spicy food. That's an experience I don't want to relive!" "Is there anything else you want to talk about?" "Nope. There was just that one thing, but I've already got it out of my system." He bit the inside of his cheek, not wanting to tell his father about the other problem he had. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about, though. I've been thinking about it for a few days now." "What's that?" "It's about you and Josh. I know I've been pretty tough on the two of you, but I realized that was wrong of me. You love each other. That's obvious. I think you will be together for a very long time. So, I'm going to lay off a bit. As much as I love you, I can't pretend that you're a little kid." "Dad, are you saying it's ok if Josh and I decide to have sex?" "No!" The man looked horrified. "You two are old enough to decide what's best for your relationship. As long as it's something you both truly want, I'd be wrong to stand in the way of that. But if you decide to be together like that, I want you to do it as a way to express love, not as something to make your bodies feel good." Burke snickered. "You aren't giving us permission to have sex, you're giving us permission to make love!" Chris blushed and buried his face in his hands. "Sheesh! No wonder my parents had such a hard time talking to me about that stuff! How embarrassing!" Burke laughed harder and kissed the man's cheek. "It'll be ok, dad. Your cheeks won't stay that color, I promise! And, if we decide to take that step, I promise we'll do it out of love, not hormones." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Burke lay in his bunk, the curtain drawn and a pillow over his face, softly crying. Chris had meant well, but there little talk made him even more confused. He was both scared and excited of taking the next step with Josh. There was no one else he would rather have for his first time, but didn't know if that introduction to intimacy would open a hidden door of evil, if it would loose a beast he didn't realize was inside him. His mind raced, keeping him awake and on edge. Too keyed up and exhausted to become calm on his own, he sought the first release that came to his mind. In the past, that meant scratching holes in his arms, but now there were other options. Crawling from his bunk, sniffling quietly, he crossed the aisle and clambered gently into another, seeking a strength he could find within. The body he found was warm and soft, and he curled up against it, his head nestling into the crook of the man's shoulder. Arms, so strong and secure, wrapped around his back. "Burke?" came a drowsy voice. "What's wrong, little man?" "Just hang on to me. Please?" "Shh. It's alright. Just go to sleep. I'm here." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's all for now. And it isn't a cliffhanger! Hooray for me! I added the last few lines at the last minute, just so you would be left wondering who Burke climbed into bed with. And of course it wasn't going to be JC. That wouldn't make any sense! How will Burke's turmoil affect his relationship, and will Josh have a hand in dispelling it? Only the Shadow knows! HA HA HA HA Well, I do too, but I'm not telling yet! I hope you liked this one. I'd love to hear your comments. You can write me at cameronwriter@hotmail.com Always, Cameron P.S. The poem Burke wrote is actually part of a song a friend and I wrote many years ago.